The Lady Geek Gazette - Experiencing A New Freedom

The Night Before My Birthday

2012-02-10T23:15:00.003-06:00

I took the day off from work. I played all day with my new cell phone (since January its new). I laid in bed with my phone and my little Shit zu, Deacon. He loves it when I am home with him all day. He stays right next to me all the time. I shop so much on my phone. I feel like its a game to find the most useful apps when I really don't use them much at all. Not enough time to use them a lot! I loved it, I slept in (8:30am), stayed in bed other than what I had to do. Deacon loved it too.

My family and I had dinner at a local Indian restaurant. My friend who is going through crazy stuff also came. It was good to see her having a good time. I love being with my family. Missed my dad a lot again. The kids gave me a card that made me almost cry again! And money! Woo hoo! I was surprised about that one! I think I will go purse shopping tomorrow with that! I also got two Taebo DVDs, some I had been looking at but had not purchased. Although I did find one - but it turned out to be not what I was wanting. But we will see. I have not bought any of the new Taebo stuff. Not sure why. I think I just like the Zumba and Biggest Loser DVDs more.

Work is going better since January is over! Its been crazy the last couple months. Seems like that for everyone though.

Still no meetings...but I think I want to go to Grief share again since Papa's death. It helped me with Mama's death immensely and I think I would benefit the same now. I know its still pretty fresh having happened in August but it is affecting me very differently now. I feel my concentration is gone! I make lots of mistakes at work, that I think I should have seen coming. If I get stuck on something I can't set it aside and try later - I stick with it but I don't get anywhere with it! I have never had so much trouble on a job before. The thing is, it started before my dad passed away and I also had a really bad year the year my mom passed away. Like it was a warning something big was coming in the future or something. Weird. But anyway, I seem to find comfort in my electronics, my online game, my nocturne romance books, anything to take me away from where I am in my real life.

I did start going back to church at the prodding of one of my kids. So that is great! I found an app of the Bible and so I don't need to carry my bible to church now. I do love that idea. I can also make notes in it and search it -- easier than the normal way. So we will see how that goes.

Well, bedtime. Gotta get up early tomorrow and I am late...

Been Quite A While for Me

2011-10-04T22:35:00.002-05:00

Well, its been a long time and I just suddenly thought of this blog once again. I am working so far away from home now. So far that I just stay out here with a co-worker during the week. Its great to have someone so similar to me to stay with. We like a lot of the same things and we get along great. We do differ on food though, big differences there.

Another big thing happened in my life in August. My dad has now passed away. It hurts so badly. I feel like I am not mourning like I think I should be yet again, like when Mama passed away. But like now when I blog about it, I feel it the most. And yesterday. My car was leaking oil and I was so daing lost as to who to take my car to for it to be fixed. Yes, Papa always had someone but that was also on the weekends only. I don't know why I don't just go see him. I think it will cause me to have memories and I WILL fall apart while I am there. And, he keeps the car, so there really is no place for me to go once he has it. Papa was always with me and we would go eat or do something else or whatever we needed to do so we did not sit around waiting. That was the fun part. I guess I would just have to take someone with me now to get me back and forth...but who? Its so far away but I trust him not to screw me over! I am not so sure about anyone else. So yet again I am a little lost. I did manage to find someone but I still need more work done...my leak is much smaller but still there due to another area that needs fixing. At least I hope that is true what they told me. They seemed to be trustful.

I can't believe its been more than a year since my last post. Not been to meetings at all...I work so far away when I get home I stay home. But I guess that makes sense...its been a little over a year since I started this job as a temp. Now I am a permanent employee. I love it but it is stressful. I need to find some way to better handle my stress. I know its affecting my skin, and my health. I am so tired, but I think that is mostly my fault. I still fight sleep...to play an online game where I have a partner. And a whole second life online. And dammit, I work too much there too. Its a great life there where I am taken care of and I get to have so much more than my own life. Its so opposite of my life but its a lot of work too. So it has been pretty easy to not get online to play, but even when I do not get online...I still stay up doing something...anything. Anything other than going to bed like I should! Why? I was so tired earlier and nearly falling asleep on the couch. But here I am now blogging.. and not tired again!

I also have a friend going thru a lot of craziness, its bringing back old memories too. And I invited my kids dad to go somewhere with me and some friends a few weeks ago and maybe he took it the wrong way, but thought he could ask for anything. And he did, so why did I think he might be a little more mature after going thru all that crap he went through? I have no idea. He hasn't changed at all it seems. But not a big surprise I guess. At least it should not have been.

I work right along the Missouri River where it has been flooded all summer and they recently re-opened the highway again for the shorter path home. It looks so dusty and muddy, and still plenty of water around the highway. Its pretty scary actually...the water is still too close to the road. The shoulder of the highway is actually gone now and there is water there. That is how close the water is to the highway now. So if it starts raining bad again...who knows. It may be shut down again. But it did not seem any faster this morning. I still made it into town around the same time as the longer way!

Well, I think I just needed to dump my thoughts somewhere safe...or maybe not so safe, huh? But, I needed to do this or journal. And I do not have a journal with me. So here I am --- and here I go! Until next time.

???

2010-06-14T22:26:00.002-05:00

Okay I know its not my problem but I can't help thinking about it anyway.... going thru the "what ifs" moment right now...

I have sporadically made it to a couple of meetings since the last post. And now I need more.

I made it to a meeting!!!

2009-09-20T21:24:00.001-05:00

I made it to a meeting a few weeks ago and forgot to post! I haven't made it back yet. It was good to see everyone.

All turning out well...

2009-08-16T22:26:00.002-05:00

Well, concerning my last post, it does seem to be turning out okay. I, on the other hand am still depriving myself of sleep. I am on vacation for a few days and seem to have stuffed my first day full of stuff I want to do. And I should be in bed, but fighting it again.

I just dropped my oldest off at college and I am glad she is going back. Still worried about the financial part of it. But it hasn't seemed to stop her from going.

One of my darlings got into some trouble and I don't want to post exactly what - even though if you are in AA or Al-Anon circles, it really applies here. She is working this matter out herself and I am glad to see that. I have helped her a little this week, glad to do so though. It doesn't get requested often. But it is in her hands and she is taking care of it.

I am getting quite a bit of exercise and my blood sugar numbers are looking really good. I did get my A1C down from 7.2 to 6.3! So very happy about that. My goal was 6.5, but I never thought it would drop down so fast!!! I am very tired though, maybe its the SLEEP I'm still missing!!! Ya Think???

I need to get to a meeting. I think I will go sometime this week!

Good night!

Speechless

2009-07-12T22:35:00.003-05:00

Received some bad news today...I am pretty speechless. Concerning a loved one. I hope it does not continue to progress in the wrong direction. That's all I can utter right now. All I am willing to post.

I am grateful for:
My God
My kids
My Grand baby
My Family
Al-Anon community
The ability to let go and know it will be okay
The ability to do the above and not fight with myself so much about it

Still Here!

2009-07-03T15:38:00.002-05:00

Still feeling stuck and things aren't moving still, but I feel better. Maybe this is where I am supposed to be right now...for what reason I don't know, but I'm still here. I guess I need to make it work while I am here. And be grateful I am not in a worse situation, because right now, I could be.

I am feeling stuck...in my life.

2009-05-17T22:28:00.003-05:00

Okay still gone for a while. My poor little car is now dead, I really need a major change in my life both professional and financial and I am very slow to make it happen. I have always been that way and I thought that had changed. But to my - somewhat - surprise it is still a bad habit. I am taking care of my diabetes, but the other stuff is what I am hesitating on. Like I can only concentrate on one area at a time. But it needs to be moving faster in the other areas. I am pretty disappointed with myself and I keep getting distracted by frivolous things in my life. They matter, but the financial and professional parts matter more. And I am at a standstill there and while I procrastinate....things are not getting better. I feel stuck in more ways than one and I can't move like I'm stuck in tar or something.

Been gone a minute or two!

2009-03-01T22:26:00.002-06:00

Well, its been a very long time since I've been here! I was diagnosed with Diabetes in December and I've been really working on me! Still haven't been to a meeting, still stressed at work, my beau has moved in now, and I am about to start a diet to lose weight so I can get off these meds I'm on! I hope I can do it. The Dr. Ian Four Day Diet. Myself and family members too. I am hoping this will be good to my body! I am doing well on watching what I eat and I am doing well with my blood sugar.

My body is getting used to the lower blood sugars too. It used to affect me when I got into the 300's but now it affects me when it goes into the 200's! I am staying pretty much into my target ranges, 100 - 150 except for some mornings I am over 120. I will see an educator this week so I can figure out what is going on there with my higher numbers in the morning!

I think I really need to get back to my meetings again. I just notice some codependent behavior I want to change or maybe that I just noticed. So I think I need to pick back up my meetings and my daily readings. Well, so much for now!

Elf Dance - starring us!

2008-12-10T21:38:00.001-06:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

This is what gives me joy

2008-11-29T23:03:00.004-06:00

This is what gives me joy this weekend. Been spending time with my grandbaby who loves to go to his cousins to play...cousins, right? He is the grandbaby and the two are my sisters kids. Well, whatever! He loves to go play with them.

Still no meeting. But looking to make a change here soon. I feel like I should but I am unsure again. I think I am letting a certain part of my life run wild and I can't seem reign it back in. I can't seem to start the change rolling and I know I need to. So I am starting to take baby steps to change that part of my life. And I need to get back to church! Missing God too...

Stressed and Sick this week

2008-10-25T09:58:00.004-05:00

Well, feeling stressed at work again and sick this week, but I am not going to just let it get to me. I am going to do what I can in the time I have been given. There is a lot not getting done. My duties are covered less some filing, but it can wait. But the extra is getting a lot harder to get to. I hate that. It does feel overwhelming. But I can only do what I can and I think I do that well. The extra too if I can get to it!

Still no meeting. I really need to take care of me. My boss is even taking time off and starting to take care of her needs first. So it got me to realizing that I am not. I need to care for me quite a bit right now! I need to see the doctor, dentist, pay bills, clean up around here, and relax! Besides do this side work I was planning on doing for a friend! So much stuff to do. My car is having trouble too but I need more money to handle it. I may just need to change mechanics! I am really thinking that may be my problem with my car.

I want to get back to my meetings but I am so tired at the end of the week. I just stay home. During the summer it was going out and doing things...now I'm just tired. Unless my car is down or something.

Well, back to my life!

Wandering in my thoughts

2008-09-10T22:34:00.003-05:00

Still have not made a meeting. Feeling better at work. But still a bit stressed. I am doing my readings. Well, one anyway. Not really reading the rest of my devotionals.

I am grateful for:

My kids
My grand baby
My Man
My Deacon - my dog
My Car
My Job
My faith, though I feel I really have to work at it too - at this moment in my life.
The weather being cooler!!! I love it but rainy...boo hoo.
My Home

I don't really know what to write...I think I must really get back to my meetings cause I just don't know what to say here. Its like I just can't think of what I am actually working on. I am slowly trying to change old habits. I feel like I keep falling back into them over and over. I try, a little progress happens, a compliment comes and I fall straight back into the old ways suddenly!

Well off to bed, I can at least do that correctly for once!

Ciao!

Historic Week

2008-08-30T10:42:00.004-05:00

I just am amazed by what I have seen this week. The first African-American to be the Presidential Candidate, and the first woman Vice Presidential Candidate! Okay, so not the first - I forgot about Ms Ferraro!!!! Still, I am so shocked and amazed at us(America)! And grateful! I didn't think I'd see either this soon in my life! I still think Hillary should be the VP, but it isn't over yet! I am in awe.

I ended up not taking on so much of the position that is leaving. It did seem impossible and I kept saying so. So now it was dumped on others. I feel pressure still, but it isn't so hard anymore. I feel like I can only do what I can do and they see that. I feel good about it but it always sits in my mind that they think I should do more. And it just doesn't happen. I don't know if its good or bad. Good for me, I'm not killing myself.

Tension due to work

2008-08-14T21:56:00.003-05:00

I feel the tension again. My job wants me to take on new responsibilities since someone is leaving. I want the learning experience but I think it will be a lot of pressure...not sure what I want to do. Its made me a little scared...I am not understanding that part. I am worried I guess of being more responsible for the things they are asking me to do. Much of which I do partly but not fully in my current position.

What to do... what to do....

Just some thoughts

2008-08-02T17:18:00.002-05:00

Well, I can sleep again much better now. When the little one isn't barking at anyone! He seemed more quiet when Timber was around. I don't recall him barking so much but, I could have just slept deeper at that time.

I still have not been back to my meetings on Fridays. I want to, but never feel like it. Though I am still posting to an online group. And reading but not too much. I am doing the daily reading of Courage to Change on a daily basis. Still seeing myself in there - a LOT! I am really not sure what to post today, just checking on my blog...somebody tagged me as SPAM for some reason. Or whatever happened. Anyway, I guess its okay, I am now on it so, I can access it again.

I was thinking about how I am late for work still. Or again actually. I still love my job. It is stressful, fast-paced, etc. I keep trying to change my early morning bad habits but I don't! As much as I plan for it to change things, it just doesn't happen. And I don't get it! I try going to bed earlier, then I feel groggy or bad the next morning. I get little sleep and most times I feel real good but I get tired after lunch. I don't know what to do. Maybe I need to keep praying.

I guess I'll try.

My Big Boy is gone

2008-07-21T07:52:00.004-05:00

Last Sunday morning I lost my Alaskan Malamute of 12 years. It was very sad. And very unexpected. Just wanted to post a picture of him. He had a tumor and had become suddenly very sick. I'm really gonna miss him. The house seems empty. Bye Timber.

My Fourth

2008-07-05T10:26:00.003-05:00

Hope everyone had a happy 4th!

Mine was pretty darn good this year. I hung out with my kids who had told their father (my ex) what we were going to do. So we all hung out together. Unfortunately, my bf didn't join us. I think he likes it more quiet. So he was missing but my energy was mostly focused on the grand baby and my ex's wife's baby. They made the whole night! Their reactions to all the fireworks was so cute. OOOOOs and Oh Man! All night long. The grand baby is 2 and the other is 3. They were so cute. I got some really crappy pictures of the fireworks display we watched. And a pretty good video. And I had a good time. We went out to eat after that and then ended our night.

It wasn't weird at all to hang out with them. My ex and his wife. No one seems to understand much how we even get along. But we do. I feel comfortable. I don't want to do it all the time or much really, but last night was fine. I'm sure something will come up sometime, but for now every thing is okay. This wife is the woman whom he cheated on me with - he ended up marrying her. You know it did bother me back then, but I still knew it wasn't meant for me to be with him. Even as we ended I knew it even then. So maybe that's why.

I did notice one thing, with all this stuff happening at my place, like a few things I'd need a handy man for, I always expect my ex to help - even still. I don't think that's good but I don't seem to want to trust anyone else in that area. I don't know anyone who does that kind of work that I can call. My bf doesn't seem to know all of what I need. Some stuff yes, but not all and what he had been able to help me with, he has. So I do feel uneasy about that within me. And especially now that I hear people are screwing over others who don't know in this carpentry and handyman area...I am even more jumpy and unwilling to call anyone else. I guess that was one area I never had a problem trusting my ex with. That he did well.

Today I am thankful for:
My kids
My grand baby
the relationship I can handle with my ex and his wife
My dogs
My God, who has allowed this to enhance my life instead of letting it tear me up inside
My program which has something to do with the above as well

Long time, no posts!

2008-06-21T23:35:00.005-05:00

Geez! Its been a long time since I've posted anything new. My Pom never came back. I already have another dog who was not able to stay with my cousin. He's been through two now...one left with his son, and now they've moved and can't take the dog with them. So now he's mine. He is so playful! Its a Shitzu. Such a happy dog. I really like him. He is bigger than I wanted but is so good. He minds and has been house trained very well. I've not had a dog like that before. I've always had to work with them - a lot! Probably since I don't have much time at home anyway. It's always been work.

My grand baby was here today with my daughter. They spent time here while waiting for her car to be fixed. He is just so talkative now. He tries to say everything he hears. I wish I was more grandma-like. I feel like I should just be keeping him often, but I don't and I don't want to. I do visit them a bit. But I just love my free weekends even if I do nothing! Maybe that will change in the future. Well, enough for now...

Still haven't been to a meeting...well. Its been maybe three weeks! I do a daily posting of Courage to Change though for an online group I am a member of. Which I forgot to do today!!! So I played catch-up about an hour ago!

Feeling Better Today...

2008-03-22T13:26:00.003-05:00

I'm finally feeling better. I physically feel better now than I have in the last couple of months. And I want to do stuff now. I think I need to keep up the exercise.

I recently lost my little Pom, she just took off when she was let out to go potty! Not like her. But she'd been acting a little crazy the last few weeks. Not wanting to come back inside. Spring Fever? Well, I just have a feeling she may be back. I hope so. I am currently watching my cousins dog while he is out of town. She's real cute but, bigger than I am used to. So I am having a bit of stress since I am not used to a dog who wants so much attention. Maybe we both are because I am gone most of the day. So she wants all my attention when I get home. My other dog is a Malamute and he's old. In good shape but, he doesn't like to play so much anymore. Its funny to see him get mad and check the little one, or scare her back into place.

Easter got here pretty fast I think. I won't see my grandbaby since he's with his dad this weekend. Wah. But I do see him often.

I have not been to a meeting since the end of January. A long time! I need to get back to them. I miss them both, but I need to get to one. And my Friday Al-Anon is the one I can make it to easily. Anyway, I will. Its next week in a new meeting place! It's gonna save us lots of money too!

Well, today I'm feeling better!

Another Loss

2008-03-09T18:33:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately, my daughter lost her baby the 25th of February. It was a little girl. I am very sorry for her but I know she's glad to be out of the hospital. I have no idea how she feels after all that. She is keeping herself busy. Very busy. I am not sure she's been home overnight yet. She seems well, as well as can be expected...me too I guess.

Feeling Helpless

2008-02-23T22:56:00.003-06:00

My daughter is still in the hospital and things seem to have come to a standstill. That's a good thing. At least the baby is hanging on. So many are praying for her. I am so sorry to see her this way and I wish I could do something to help her feel better. Just being there is all I can do. I can bring her stuff she wants too. I feel so helpless but very much in prayer for her too. Ups and downs in both her spirits and mine. I want to do whatever but I am power less....I guess not really...I can still pray and just be there for her and she loves that part. So let me stop all that.

I am thankful I can be there and my bf is supportive of me while I am gone for so long. I know it would be different with my ex even though it is his daughter. He is kinda not taking all this so well. I also feel like I am neglecting my new bf being up there all night after work. But he hasn't said anything and why I even feel that way I do not understand. So I figure its just my coda traits still trying to go to work on me. I think I can be there for everybody at all times! Who do I think I am? LOL!

Still pregnant!!!

2008-02-17T20:42:00.002-06:00

Well, my birthday, bellybutton birthday just passed on the 11th. I was in the hospital with my daughter who is pregnant. She had another problem and we though, well even the doctors thought, that she was losing the baby. I am happy to say she is still pregnant but will be on bed rest until the baby comes. She is only at 5 months this week.

Poor thing she is one who hates, absolutely hates to be alone. And now she can't stand the hospital so its worse. She can't get out of the bed for anything. I've seen her daily and I am very tired. I have to shorten my visits and maybe go every other day or just make sure I get some rest!

We got our first bunch of H2A workers this past week so payroll is gonna be a bit more taxing on me too. But I do have permanent help I think! Yeah! Okay, enough for now. I am tired and still not done with stuff for tomorrow!

Working on me this week!

2008-01-26T09:00:00.000-06:00

Well, this week was a struggle for me to get myself back on track to taking care of me! I forced myself to leave the office at 5:30 unless I absolutely had to get certain things done. For me, that is only two days a week. I have been staying nearly everyday! Needlessly! Work is never done and now we are shorthanded! One jumped ship and we need help again in an area that is very involved. Well, all our jobs are involved! ALL of THEM!!! So we are all helping in that area as well!

My daughter (oldest) just turned 23 this week and she is pregnant. She had a problem this week and it seemed it was not going to turn out good. But so far, so good. Dr said she was okay as far as he could tell. She had a previous miscarriage, so we are really antsy when she has any complaints or problems and this one seemed very bad. Praying that it will all be okay though!

I finally made it back to my meeting and it was good, its always good! I did share about a thing about me finally stopping working so long and not going home on time. And I was very surprised that it was a struggle for me to do it! It really was! I also went to a Spanish class on Wednesday. I was placed in an Advanced Spanish class and I actually could follow the entirely Spanish conversation. Mostly, not totally! But a lot more than I thought! That was very encouraging to me. I've said I was not good at speaking Spanish, I do stumble over my words a lot but still try. This experience gave me lots of confidence to keep working on it! So I think I will!

Rambling

2008-01-18T19:51:00.000-06:00

I miss blogging, reading, and being read as much as I used to do it. I am so busy I am tired when I get home and don't want to blog. I should be at my meeting too. Maybe I'll go.

Year-end mania!!!

2008-01-05T10:52:00.000-06:00

OMG! I thought I worked alot when I mentioned it in a couple of posts ago. No! Year-end is here and DAMN am I working hard! Every night was late. One extra late again and then...our computers died! No I mean our network went haywire. Besides needing a software upgrade for year end. Which I guess can only be done at year-end, the network or servers flipped out and the whole company was paralyzed! And since we do our payroll in house, we could not do it on the normal schedule. So it was all completely processed on Friday!!! That wasn't as bad as it seemed - but I had lots of help - three of us working on it all day long. Geez!!! It did get done! Very late but done!!! Everybody got paid!!!

I still love my job! And I thank God for it!

Merry Christmas!!!

2007-12-25T20:59:00.000-06:00

Well, I had a nice holiday this year. I spent plenty of time with my family and a little with my bf's family too. They don't hang together so much like my family does. It was nice though. They have lots of different problems too. Different than my own family. It was interesting hearing it. There are always others worse off than yourself. You see how much your own are blessed after hearing others problems or woes.

Bad thing. I've allowed other things get in the way of my meetings. The job is one thing on Thursdays but on Friday's life is mostly getting in the way. I need to discipline myself better and JUST DO IT! Go to my meetings on Fridays at the very least! It will be a while before I can get to the Thursday night meetings again. And now they've moved up to 5 pm again! I still lack in taking care of me mostly at work. I work thru lunch, work late, don't eat or eat too late. Or wait until I feel bad to eat. I am trying to become an early bird which isn't working very well. I try to make changes and can't seem to get them done. At least I recognize and I'm trying I keep thinking. I've forgotten to ask my HP for help too. Things will smooth out when I do that but I forget to do it mostly.

I was surprised by the generosity of my bf this Christmas. I didn't expect it. I guess I expected less. And I even tried to stop it a couple of times. Then I caught my self! What am I doing? Just let him do what he wanted to do for me!

Today I am thankful for:

My family.
My boyfriend.
My dogs.
My time off from work.
My Internet.
My blog time.
My program.
My ability to see what I need to change.
My willingness to change those things I need to change!
The many blessings I have which I can appreciate now and not take for granted.
My Heat!!! Not so far away from here is St. Jo, whose power took a hit a couple of weeks ago and stayed out for quite some time!!!!
My car - dependable even with a problem.
Those new tires my dad fussed at me about getting(another thing I didn't take care of me immediately as I should have).
The free Ham and Turkey I was blessed with this season!
Christmas time!

Merry Christmas!!!!

Workaholic...

2007-12-16T22:04:00.000-06:00

Talk about unmanageable! I have worked so much this week. As is expected in Accounting, but this job has gotten to be quite ridiculous on the overtime hours. Especially for me in a salaried position. It is really crazy. But my job does need to be done. I don't know what to think. OR what to do. Its payroll. All manual by the way. ALL MANUAL!!! Its only a local company but I am not very fast when it comes to calculating cards. I can do ten-key by touch but it really isn't the way we do them. We use a spreadsheet on Excel to calculate the cards. It still isn't faster it seems or I am just really slow. I don’t' know which it is. It is my first payroll job where I am in full charge of everything. That's new. I've only calc'd cards before and that was all I had to do. Here I calc them, code them, enter them, print them, and then distribute them. I do it all. I do have help. I guess I am just fussing. It will get better. I hope anyway. I love the job, I really do. I actually love it! I like who I work for and who I work with. I don't care for my boss' tone sometimes but I don't take it personally. I can thank my program for that. I am so tired today(Friday). I worked way too long last night and couldn't help it! I need a meeting but I am too tired. Maybe Sunday night I'm thinking. My car needs the rest anyway. Hopefully, it will be fixed tomorrow(Saturday)!

This was the kind of thing my ex complained about when we were together. I totally see it now. But now I am in a slightly different position. My job needs to be done to a certain point each Thursday and any thing less means I am behind. So I don't get it. Its been five months and I'm not getting any faster! It seems. She said give myself six to get it all, but of course I'm very impatient and it isn't making anything any better. And she seems to be losing patience too. Needless to say I am a bit worried. I love it but I am worried.

Thankful for the job God has provided...I pray he gives me the ability to perform it better, in a speedier manner!

I thank God for the man in my life. Even though I won't make a move he is still helping me around here. Improve my place so winter won't be so hard. But I need to be pushed to do it!

I just thank God for having so much patience with me...I am so hard headed sometimes....well, lots of times!

I thank God for my program too.

Strong feelings today

2007-11-27T21:09:00.000-06:00

I attended a Memorial Service today for a friends mom. I did get a bit worked up while I was there. When they were describing her. It made me miss my mom. It made me wonder what I'd like said about me. Got me thinking about my life. I am very happy with it. Most of it anyway. I wish I'd handle my finances better, well, I am but it will take me a while to progress to where I wished I was. I am always so slow to make the moves I know I need to make. I keep praying for me to get better at that. But I am still not moving. Its like I am afraid of something happening. Or maybe that I may make the wrong move. It is almost like I am still with the addict who is now out of my life! Still it was good to see a couple of friends and some Al-Anon folks!

I also couldn't get in touch with my bf tonite. I've had him around a lot lately and I felt bad that I couldn't help him with his situations. I couldn't get in touch with him today and I instantly thought something was wrong. I think I'm so weird with these suddenly so strong but wrong feelings. I thought he was mad at me since he wasn't returning my calls or texts. It came on me so strongly that it was over between us and I felt it was because I refused to help him with his needing a ride to work. He goes in very early and I don't. And the couple of times I've taken him in early, I've hurt so bad all day at work, that I really can't do my job well. It is very noticeable and taxing on me. So I said no. And based on his reaction, I think it was very unexpected. But he agreed. Then when I couldn't get ahold of him, my mind started to going and kept on going. I hate that! I think too that my daughter being here last night kept me company. I love it when they come visit, but then I feel needy when no one is here. I can even have plans and when I get like this, things go so crazy for me in the emotional department!!! I get weepy and lonely-acting. I can't stand it but it happens and I always end up over-reacting to nothing! Tonight it was nothing once again. At least I think it was nothing.

Well. I could still be thinking about Mama too...I get pretty weepy when I've stirred up thoughts of her. And the Memorial service today did that.

Progress here...Backtrack there

2007-11-17T23:33:00.000-06:00

It seems that I am making progress at home. Though at the same time, I am going backwards at work! I am slowing down there. And that is not a good thing. I think my boss was stressed this week. She seemed very irritated and moody all week.

At home I am getting a little bit more done. I am loving that. But I'm on late again and I'm tired. So this will be continued soon...

I did find some very hard to find music I loved and it was stolen from me twice!!! I had not been able to replace it for years since then. My sister located it and I made the purchase today! I am so looking forward to it arriving. It is Christmas music and Contemporary Church Hymns sung by popular Christian music singers. I so enjoyed these tapes!!!! I wore them out and found CDs for some but not the Christmas music! I found one! I am making copies of them all and NOT going to carry the originals any more!!! That is my treat to me for this week! And should be until Christmas!! It wasn't a large amount of money but more than I expected to pay. But very hard to find music that gives me so much joy! I am very satisfied!

A little progress...a little...

2007-11-10T21:36:00.000-06:00

Well, its been a while and I am finally getting a very little something done around here. I wish it were more, but it is a start. I am working long hours still and when I get here, I want to just relax or go to sleep! I can't wait for church tomorrow! I have been skipping, though I went back last week, I miss hearing the word. I love my church.

I have started exercising but I do need to just make it a little more regular. It is getting to that time of year when I will definately gain weight if I do not exercise - since I don't exercise very much control over the amount of treats I eat. I want to try everything!

I have a friend whose mom went into the hospital last night and it really didn't sound good at all. It brought back to me all those feelings when my mom was about to pass. It all just rushed back quite strongly too. Well, today she is doing much better, responsive again and speaking. She had a tumor removed earlier this year and it was an incredible difference and a good recovery. Unfortunately, it is back and has spread fast this time. I hope she comes out well and stays around a few more decades! That's my prayer, and I'm stickin' to it!!!

Well, I missed my meeting Friday. I stayed late at work and then got home and just sat in front of the TV! I was not wanting to do anything but sit there! I was a couch potato all night. I had a shoe catalog too! I was dreaming of what I wanted out of it! Not broke, just cheap, too cheap sometimes. I need stuff!

Today I am grateful for:

My program.
My church.
My dogs.
My life.
My kids.
My grand baby.
My car.
The quiet me time God so obviously wants me to have. I need to have it with him!
My God, who keeps giving the time to be with him...but do I recognize it! NO!
Visits from my kids.
My home.
My PC.
My Internet.
My blog, which has helped along with journalling in my program.
My friends in Al-Anon.
My job, I still love it!
My new bottle of Lime Verbena body lotion! Oh my gosh it smells so good! Almost like the Bath and Body works one I love so much but won't buy since I'm so cheap!!! But it ain't cheap for a small bottle of lotion!

Unmanageable???

2007-10-21T22:56:00.000-05:00

I've been kinda mopey today. Feeling down and, lonely? No, not lonely. My girls where here most of the day and the grand baby too. I just feel weird. I not real sad but down a little bit. I have needed a lot of rest lately and I actually got some today. I did nothing. I was so happy to make it to my kickboxing class again today, but it was cancelled. Well. I was looking forward to that.

I still don't want to do anything around here either and I start and then quit! I can't stand it. I feel like I need help but I don't want to ask for it. I feel like I should be able to do what I need to do around here too. With out any one's help. Its my place, I should be able to take care of it! But I am very slow at changing in that area. I'm not even online as much as I used to be and I still haven't done much of what I need to do around here. Maybe I should just admit my life is unmanageable in this area and get working to apply my program here....hmmm. Maybe that's a start.

Feeling good about me today!

2007-10-17T20:57:00.001-05:00

Boy! Finally it is slowing up a little. My workload is increasing but, I am getting a start of a good flow. Still going pretty fast but I feel like I can keep up now! I wish my speed would improve sooner, I always do! My job is a very manual job, lots of manual stuff! I am so used to everything automated. So I am very slow at it. I don't get how my support does it so quickly! I really don't but she has done it for many years and I am just starting to do it, so I really can't compare to her at all!

My support is an older retired woman, she loves doing payroll, and she is very good at it! She is having a very hard time letting go of it. I don't know how long she's been doing it before I got there. But she is seriously fast and has the flow down. I think I had a hard time letting her go too, I enjoy working with her. And I've not had an office before, its tucked away from everyone and I do enjoy her company. I want her to work with more often, but I do have to be able to do the payroll alone, she likes taking trips and I can see she will not be around very much at times. When she wants off, she will take off!

I felt so good when today I got to a point I wanted to reach prior to going home! And my limit was 7pm. I made it! Right on the dot! I've been trying to make it week after week, and finally I've made it! I am still slow but I made my first goal! Now I can improve upon it! I hope tomorrow goes as well as today. I can be checking my work by the end of the day and not stay so late! That's tomorrow's goal. I will need to go in early to accomplish it I think, so that's what I'll do. I did a lot of praying too today, for the ability to do my job as I need to!

Today, I am grateful for:

the job my God gave me! I still love it!
My dogs who love me so much, and are so glad to see me when I finally get home!
the little Mexican restaurant near my home! I love their tacos.
My grand baby! He's so beautiful.
My kids, they love me so much too!
My Partylite candles
The good feeling I got for reaching my goal tonight!
God meeting my needs, and giving me the ability to take care of me!
My willingness to change. God granting me the ability to change!
My time here!
Enough money for my bills
My Internet connection
My troubles, they help me grow.
My car! My small gas tank!!!
My TV!
Exercise that makes me feel great!
Wanting to break a bad habit!
My favorite foods in the fridge!

Slowing down!

2007-10-07T09:36:00.000-05:00

Today I am staying home! I still have a lot going! But I am staying home and taking care of home today! I am going to my Sunday School Class and the one tonight! But the rest of the day is for home! I'm feeling very tired but good about me today.

Running - Running - and more running!

2007-10-01T22:43:00.000-05:00

Well, since my last post I am still working late sometimes. Its lightened up but now I am just doing too much outside of work. I want to do everything with everybody and I am wearing myself out! I need to just relax and do nothing. Or catch up on some things I need to be doing!!! Like housework! Handling my finances better! Relaxing!!! Okay, that's my update! I gotta go to bed now!

Heck of a day today was!

2007-09-17T21:29:00.000-05:00

Hey! My sponsor called me this morning! It was so good to hear from her. She's been thru a few things lately! And since I haven't been to my meetings, she decided to call! It was very good to hear from her! I wish I spoke with her more often. I guess I feel like I am bothering her so I don't call. Bad girl again!

Today was such a nice quiet day at work! It was weird. But the boss took us all out to lunch today. Everyone was hard at work today too. We ate Chinese. It was a really nice place. An unexpected surprise. I like those days! Well, no issues arose today.

I wish my speed was a lot faster than it is. I know it takes a while for me to build it up. Then one day it'll just kick in and I'll not have to worry about my speed anymore. I know how I am. Slow to get there but watch out when I get there!

Well, I guess there is one issue gnawing at me...I am not taking care of my business here at home. First I am tired or gone all the time and I sell Avon too. And I am not handling that like I feel I should! And I am supposed to be doing some accounting work for a friend. Its not happening. I really want to do that but I'm not making time for it! I wish I'd do what I know I need to do! I need to give it to God I think and then do some things that make me uncomfortable each day just so I get things done! That's how I think I should approach that! Just do something regardless of what I feel about it!!! I keep saying "I don't wanna...I don't feel like it!" Not good once again.

Hmmmm, am I being to hard on me? But they are all pressing issues to me...I don't know.

Today I am grateful for:

My two dogs who love me so much. Poor things, they are here all day long alone. They fuss at me all night when I'm here. They don't like my absence.
My DSL being back on!!!! Yeah!!!!
My Sponsor's call this morning!!! Actually that should have been number one!!!
My car. I love it.
My job, its not easy, but very fulfilling. I love it.
My coworkers, they are all cool.
My sissy, and her post about me on her blog! Now I can handle it...in the past it would've been so different.
That Chinese we had for lunch today!!!!
My baby who paid me a visit tonight!
My other daughter who didn't visit tonight!!!
All you guys out here who visit me! Thanks for reading!

Working on me!!!

2007-09-16T21:51:00.000-05:00

Well, just call me the work-aholic! My hours are getting better now but I still am very tired. Still working alot. I really need to get back to exercising. That will make me feel better and not be so tired! But surely here soon, I will get a routine and things will smooth out!

I think my boss really liked a guy that left. He made sure we all had lunch at a descent time! Since he's been gone we aren't so good to ourselves in that way. And I mean he really did. We could count on it. Now that he's gone, we are all doing our own thing and many times she goes very late if at all! Not good. I do need to work on that myself but I think she wants me to ask her and do the same things he did. Which I will not be committing myself to do! I can't do it for me most of the time. Luckily, I don't feel a pull from inside to do this for her either, but I do notice it when she wants it. She hesitates and will not actually ask, she waits for me to ask her. Every now and then she will stop and ask, and then she'll treat me! So of course I'll go! Won't turn down a free meal! And I can get what I want!

So I need to work on taking care of me and that also includes rest. I don't get that like I should. And it is all me!!! I keep wanting to stay up late knowing I need my rest! Bad girl! Bad girl!!! I am so hard headed with that!

I am still missing my meetings but I don't feel that I am losing myself in my work or making bad mistakes. I struggle with the same stuff I've always had a problem with and now I keep thinking of all the things my ex used to say about me working so much. So it is on my mind to keep my self balanced as much as I can!

And look at me!!! Still up! I gotta go to bed! Nighty nite!!!

Check out my sissy's blog if you get a chance!!!

http://isa-scifantasy.blogspot.com

Coming up for air!!

2007-09-09T15:22:00.000-05:00

Well, this week was a really bad week! I thought it was going better at my job and then I was slammed with it all on my own during (of all things) month-end and a holiday pay week, new people, new jobs, and what else could we throw in???!!!! NOT FUN! NOT FUN! But VERY much a learning experience!

I miss my meetings, I kept thinking what am I gonna share? I am so tired at times I can't think. But who cares? I can share that! I miss seeing everyone! I miss releasing my pressures, which I am doing but not to recovering folks! LOL! The outsiders are getting my pressures!

And I notice one recurring behavior that I am not keeping a grip on...that is saying, NO. I don't say it but that is what I'll do. I won't do it or not show up, or avoid them. Or something to that effect. But where that has changed is at work. I do know my limits there and they are quickly voiced. But outside of that, there is no point where I have said NO unless I was seriously tired and just not willing to do anything more. I think it should come before I reach that point, but I'm still working on it! I need to get back into the habit of exercising, and I am eating a little better(but I still could do better), and doing my daily readings, both recovery and in the spiritual department. Although, I guess they are both really one and the same!!! But you know what I mean, bible readings and recovery program readings. I miss them all! I do read on the weekends in the mornings, but most of the time I am distracted it seems, and its just not the same.

And, I keep offering help that I should not be offering. Well, let me rephrase that. I keep getting ready to offer help that I should not be offering. In the case of my bf, I tend to offer it at times but then I stop. I got spending happy to with my new found breathing room due to my new job. I did handle and am still handling a few fires and mountains I'd built, but it is calming down and I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel now. But I did get me a few new pairs of shoes, sandals and I need more clothes for work! I spend more on my electronics than anything else besides food! And my clothes I tend to not want to spend a lot of money on. But my hours are such that I can't make it to any thrift stores at this time and that is where I want to go! I've recently heard of a few good ones lately I need to check out!

I go home, pass out, then get up and go the next day! Five days a week! So I'm not doing anything at home either! I'll be glad when I get a routine and get back exercising so I won't be so tired and gone so long anymore! And that will start tonight with a new kickboxing class at church!!! That'll get me going!!!

The G-baby is here!!!! Gotta go!

Today I am thankful for:

My beautiful grand son who will be here so I can get new pictures of him for my cell phone!!!

The ability to finally pay off some debt, replace my printer with a new one, get new stuff, etc.

The opportunity to get fit and not have to pay for a class! My church is offering free kickboxing classes! One is on-going and the other is a 12 week class of basics.

To have so many old and new friends around me and wanting to hang out! So I get to do many different things! A nice variety of things!

My health, the willingness to start caring for me and the ability to see when I need to make a move!

My car!!!

My church!!!

My recovery friends and those who care about me and want to see me succeed!

My blogosphere family!!!! I miss you guys too...Thanks for sharing!

Tired, tired, tired!!!!

2007-08-30T23:42:00.000-05:00

Phew! I am a tired Mammasita!!! Just saw the grand baby after a long day at work! He was quiet and ready to pass out - like me! Good night!

Happy HNT!!!

Back Online BABY!

2007-08-28T23:36:00.000-05:00

OMG! I am finally back online again! AT HOME! I started my new job on the sixth of August! I have been so busy and tired. Long hours (for right now) heavy workload. No time to surf at work anymore! I am really liking this!!! Well, I am again really tired so it will be a very short post. All is going well. I am glad I dont' think I do not need my meetings. Though, with such a few dealings that trouble me, I am at a loss of what to share. I guess I think it needs to trouble me to share it!

I really enjoy my new boss, she's great. I like the fact that she is allowing all of us to increase in skills here. And she is there as often as we need her. She is very very busy herself.

My BF's birthday is today! He didn't want to do anything special. I think he may have wanted to see me but he didn't ask. My end-of-the-day did not go well and I ended up staying late! Wah! Checks to get out!

Okay, what's troubling me is: I am so tired I do nothing around the house! Nothing! No Avon, no chores, nothing! I did finally get the grass cut! Tonight! I paid someone to do it! FINALLY! Well, one good thing was done around the house!

Oh, and I went to the Chiefs game last week!!!! We sucked but I had fun!

Okay gotta go to bed! Bye!

Tidbit post...

2007-08-11T18:45:00.000-05:00

The Chiefs are playing today!!! Yeah! Football is back!!! I love it! I'm going to hang with the girls and see the G-Baby! Its been two weeks! I've been so busy with my new job and late hours, learning and getting familiar with my duties there! I haven't seen my man either. He has a friend in town too and so he's busy. Anyway, I'll see both sometime this weekend. I am very tired. I need to adjust my sleeping patterns. I guess the heavier workload is not what I am used to. I need to take time to sleep as I need to. My body is telling me to change my patterns and I am fighting it but, I think I'd better not. My body is winning this time. I have a longer drive to and from and in this 100+ or - heat! That is probably what is getting me so tired - the heat! Daily high 90's and humidity. Its a weird thing that I do. I have a car which has AC, but do I use it? No! I am trying to conserve gas and the AC does run it down. Maybe, I will change that now too. Gas has dropped a bit in price but I still have lots of catching up to do with my bills yet!!! I see a lot of us are getting this heat too so I am not alone! I'm really liking the new job I have to step up the exercise too! It is helping! I'll be so glad to get my DSL back! Soon! I still miss every one!!! Hope to read you soon - still!

Romans 8:28 coming to pass!!!

2007-08-05T11:34:00.000-05:00

Things I feel I need to work on are steadily popping up here recently. I have the urge to help and to keep offering the help even if I am refused. My bf has gone thru some things lately that he needed to handle and I wanted to help instantly! And I was actually surprised at myself for feeling so strong an urge to help. But thank God for my program because I was in a struggle with myself! And it really is a struggle. At least the logic of the program is winning a majority of the time. And my bf doesn't want me to help him in certain areas. He doesn't want to be dependent on anyone is the feeling I'm getting. So I feel blessed to know him. It benefits me for him to be the way he is!

I'm in such wonder that I can leave it alone so much sooner than I actually feel I could do before! You know God is so good to me and I do keep asking for His help on a much more constant basis. Although not as constant as I feel it should be, I know I am improving. And asking for His forgiveness faster when I do opposite as He's directed me. Or when I don't trust Him as I know I can! He's proven himself over and over to me and there are things I've seen Him do for me what could only be His hand in those situations. But still I need to be redirected many times. I do feel it is a good balance of disobedience and obediance to the spirit! That may sound funny, but I really feel His presence and direction in my life recently. Like an Al-Anon dad says, "When you give it up, God shows up!" And that is definately the case in many of my recent situations.

So my struggling so much will ease up for me some now. Still there are things(one major) that I need to handle that God has given me clear direction on and I am being hard head. So if you are into praying for folks, lift me up on this situation. Its not my only situation, but it is currently the most important one right now. But you know, I've recently run into an old friend who has the ability to help me in that area and that actually may make it much easier for me to go ahead and handle it with his help. And this situation brings up a trust issue with me. I won't move due to trusting people with my financial information and their help. I really don't like anyone in that area of my life! Not even when I needed assistance and had to apply to get it. I don't care who it is, I hate giving up information about me. Funny...and I'm doing a blog! LOL!

Another friend I recently told about my new job had told me something very informative when I was complaining about the job I was leaving. I'd mentioned that I wished I had focused more on finding a job sooner than I did. I could have been gone sooner. She said "No, God had His purpose for you being there. It came right when He wanted you to have it, in His time. What did you learn?" And she said it with such authority and waited for my answer! She was right. Another friend had recently said something similar to me when I said I was still looking. He'd said, "How can you be trusted with more when you don't treat this job correctly? You need to do right for your current job first!" Not in those exact words, but that was the gist! And now I'm on the way up! Once again. And the skills gained here actually were what the next employer found most interesting. The very skills I felt I did not need for my career is all I was asked about at each interview! I started seeing all my thinking had been wrong concerning what I needed!!!! Isn't that funny?!

My attitude change towards my job made it bearable to do...the bonus at work I didn't except helped me to get a car...getting the car put an end to limiting myself to only seeking jobs nearby within my city....with my car I was able and willing to apply to jobs further away that I did not even consider....who needed the skills I was currently using!

Lord, thanks for being there for this hard-head chick! Just really thankful for all my situations because I really see them coming together for my good! Bad and Good ones! All of them worked out for my benefit in the end.

New Job!!! New chapter in recovery!

2007-08-04T16:37:00.000-05:00

Yeah! New job! I'm loving it. I wanted into a different area of accounting and I'm finally there! It is going to have an effect on my Thursday night meeting but I'll make it. I may only be late or not be able to attend for a while! Wah! I will be able to continue with the Friday meeting.

My dad's birthday just passed and it was fun, Strouds is a good place to eat around here. They are famous for their fried chicken. It was very good this time. Father's Day it needed to be less greasy. But the chicken was excellent Thursday.

It has been a bit of a struggle with all the stuff lately going on. It has been a test of a few of my traits I needed to work on in my recovery obviously. I just realized I needed the work when things started happening around me. I wanted to help out a friend and he isn't allowing it. But its good for me, and I know that, but I still wondered why isn't he letting me help? I did have to work at letting it go. I offered help and it wasn't needed. Anyway, I know I need to work on me in that area. I did understand that it was good he didn't want me to help and wanted to handle his stuff himself, but I felt the pull within me to keep pressing to help! It was pretty strong! Kinda shocking!

I'm glad today that I can recognize that and stop myself from continuing on! And causing some turmoil. I still do certain things that I know irk my friend. I do offer and then say stupid crap that I know needed to not be said. I need to learn to say I'm sorry for that. I haven't. Anyway I'm still happy with me in my recovery. And its only been two years, going on my third!

Obsessing? Or Normal Worry?

2007-07-30T10:55:00.001-05:00

Okay, I'm back. I continued to look for my missing man. I could not help but wonder what happened. All this after finding out he had not contacted his daughter either. So, I did finally find out from a friend of his. Unfortunately, I'm sure you can guess. He is okay. Not where he'd want to be but okay. I will wait for his okay to post his journey but I'm sure I don't need to.

Anyway, I am just wondering if my search was obsessing or not. I didn't go out of my way to see if he'd made it back but I went along my normal business (Avon) in which I also see his family (couple of them), my ex's family, and my friends and conveniently nearby one of his friends. His daughter was a little out of the way but not by much. So this is how i found out the situation. I was always able to find my ex. ALWAYS! He did not like that since I was placed in some pretty dangerous situations and was acting a fool to get him home! I was uncomfortable to approach his friend, whom I thought would have heard something. And I was right. He had. He gave me the info along with more and what I really didn't need. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. But I thanked him and went about my business. So then I was not obsessing about what happened anymore. All was better.

I did talk to my sponsor and it was a very long good talk we had. Each person who knew the story suggested action and I finally did try some action but was not allowed. So I was powerless once again. But all is well. Great now I can get back to me.

My oldest got her own place and she's loving it. She just got in there this weekend. I hope she's fine there. I do not like the neighborhood but it is not something we are not familiar with! Chaos and crime. She has no children, and does not live alone. Her friend from high school lives with her. I'm glad she did it. I just wish it was a nicer area. Well, back later with more....

Today I am grateful for answered prayers!

Sunday's here!

2007-07-22T16:36:00.000-05:00

I like Sundays. I relax on Sundays. Today I am not. I am keeping busy and hoping to get SS of my mind today. Anyway I am not acting on my impulse to go by and see if he is there again! He has a couple of messages from me and that is one voicemail and couple of texts. No more! Someone suggested hunt him down. I think not. I do care, I am upset, but I can't do that anymore and I am not chasing a man these days. If he wants to contact me he will. No need to get crazy again. I just hope he's okay. Once I got out of my cheating on me phase, the is he hurt one started!

I did talk to a friend in Al-Anon today. Of course, we joke around so much that I did think it would make me feel better. It did. But sometimes Mr.J is a little harsh. He did suggest a road trip! Sounds excellent! Well, I hope my funds cooperate! They have not lately! I don't see it but maybe if I really want it! Maybe God will let me have it. That would be a nice getaway! I haven't done that in quite some time!

I still haven't spoken to my sponsor! Bad sponsee!!! Okay misspelled but I don't know what the correction is! Anyway, happy sunday! My cuz went to church with me and I enjoyed her company. I think I will go home and play some games on my pc. Or get some things done around my house. Maybe talk to my sponsor finally!

Today I am grateful for

Sunday
My Al-Anon friend
Life no matter what...

Ups n downs today...

2007-07-21T23:52:00.000-05:00

Still a rollercoaster ride. Well, I'm still missing you all but will be doing some reading today. I feel like I am running too much and doing for others in this new car. I am not taking care of home. And for some reason I feel like I am not taking care of my man. Not that I should be. The time spent with him has been a lot less recently. Either of us is really trying to contact each other. And of course I feel I've done something wrong. But I haven't. I know he is the type of person who would tell me if something was on his mind, but I just have a weird feeling that he is not. And then this weekend, he is just no where to be found. No where, no call, no text, nothing. Totally not like him really. Very uncharacteristic of him. I'm not the only one leaving messages, his friends are too.

On a lighter note, my aunt did go home that weekend. She is doing better but still a very low blood pressure.

My youngest child turned twenty-one this week! And she is kicking it all weekend. I missed out on baby sitting the grand baby. :( A friend and I were trying to go to the drive in tonite and that didn't work out. I wanted to call her but got a little obsessed by my BF being MIA! And I think these are the feelings I got when my exBF started cheating on me. Only at first I was content since things were not good between us. Instantly that is what I initially thought. But I think I am jumpy like that. It really isn't anything new. Well, so much for trying not to obsess! LOL! But this IS where I am getting it out.

I did get my car worked on today. My mechanic disappeared on me too! So I went back to my dad's. I didn't have the money to replace the parts so again, my dad helped out. It was way less than I thought it was gonna be. That was excellent.

I did go to a Spa Party given by one of my friends. I felt bad that I couldn't buy anything to help her out. I felt like I came for the food. But I like and miss her company. I enjoy hanging out with her and her friends - they are so positive. It was so very nice. A very relaxing afternoon. You would not believe it. Just ladies and spa treatments for all! That was great! I need to really talk with my sponsor, we are just bad. We don't talk as we should and I still haven't completed my fifth step!

Well, done obsessing but probably not the last of it.

Tonight I am grateful for:
An empty house! I could mope as I wanted and not worry about anyone else wanting to know what is going on.
My love me unconditionally dogs!
Those in Al-Anon I can contact tomorrow.
My God who is always there to comfort me. Whom I can lean on anytime.
My church where I can go tomorrow to lift my spirits.
The Word, so I can get closer to my God on an anytime basis!

2007-07-08T13:52:00.000-05:00

Well, what an interesting while its been. My life jumped very busy suddenly and I've just been along for the ride. I have an aunt in the hospital, a couple of situations that tested my faith and my distance I've come in recovery, and then some. And the opportunity to help out, well, be there for a friend or two.

But you know God has been very good to me. Very good to me. I have had to work quite closely with the utility companies to get my bills under some form of control and keep my services on while I spend money on my cars needs. Not repairs,just the things I need to handle prior to me being ready within a month to have its plates, taxes paid, blah, blah, blah! Well, I'm okay and missing my Internet, but it is a luxury! And now I have a backup. So I can use it for a bit. Anyway, money is still very tight, but hopefully I can adapt to having less and lowering my bills, living on a budget and still getting things done! Hopefully there is someplace new in store for me as well! I've missed reading everyone again! I don't get enough time at work to read or do anything like that. I must do what is needed online while I have the access!

I had a friend whose mom went in to the doctor to find out she had a brain tumor. Surgery to have it removed, and it has been found to be malignant. He asked for prayer and I visited with him and his mom in the hospital. I really never know what to say at times but I know they enjoyed my company.

More later...

Missing my Internet!!!

2007-07-06T10:40:00.000-05:00

Hi All! I have been gone just busy with life and I had to let a few things go to get my car in shape and legal for the road! I wasn't ready for those expenses and so something had to go! My Internet was first!!! Wah!!! Man, I'm hurting too! Or nickin' I should say! Anyway, I'll be back soon I hope! Bye!

My car

2007-06-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

Tiny little thing isn't it? Nice though! I'm so loving it! And today we had thunderstorms producing HAIL! Not in my hood nor at my job, so no dings in it from hail. Previous dings yes, new dings, No... Yeah!

On a sad note, the girl who was missing from Overland Park was found dead in the Longview Lake area. OP is considered a part of the Greater Kansas City area. Longview as well. So both are close by. This came up in my CodA meeting today. She said she felt so helpless to do anything about such a thing and thinking about us single women in the group. How it could have been us. We are a close knit group, small but close. We care about each other so much. And we are missing a couple others lately, you know who you are! Come back!!!!

They treated me out to a meal tonight for my 2nd year anniversary with the group! I'd never been before so it was a treat! Fun night out with the ladies! I was so happy to see them and be there to vent my frustrations from the last two weeks. I've missed two weeks not feeling good and car problems. And work isn't helping anything, not even my wallet. I'm so glad the ladies are there to vent to and whine to, so I can get it off my chest. And maybe start moving on with what needs to be done....

Today I am grateful that I am still running on the same tank of gas from Sunday's fill up! That's a $60 difference!

I am grateful for the group! The new healthier friendships I have in CodA.

My grandbaby! Who smiles and runs to me when he sees me! He melts my heart way too fast!!!

It's a new car!!!! -to me anyway-

2007-06-03T18:32:00.001-05:00

Yeah! The car my dad found yesterday is the mine now. It is very nice! I did what immediately needed to be done and now, its fine. One kinda more than minor thing but at least not expensive. Not very! But my money is really tight and I owe my dad who is so glad to have me in a descent car. I love it!! My first foreign one. Its a Nissan Sentra 95. Power sunroof, nice, nice, nice! I was just thinking yesterday how badly I needed to find one. My father totally left it up to me to decide and I almost said no....but I kept asking God to guide me and here I am in it now. I was a really good deal. I haven't seen one near as nice and I wasn't even looking at cars newer than 90 - 91! And they were almost as much and had major stuff to fix! So off to do my Avon and check on a relatives house who is out of town! I so love it!

I thank God for this blessing!

I am grateful for my kids who got me out of bed this morning to go to church. I was gonna skip!
That was a rare thing for them to come.

I am grateful for my grand baby, who freaked out in the nursery this morning and I went to calm him down. So I just stayed with him in the nursery till the end of service. Our church is now pod casting? So I think I can hear this mornings sermon later today or when I want?

I am grateful the church provided lunch today for free for the congregation. Like I said, my money is tight!

I thank God I am keeping to my scheduled exercise routine, and I feel good!

Thanks for listening! I will be getting around to read everyone soon! By mid-week is my goal!

Busy with Life!

2007-06-02T12:55:00.000-05:00

I'm back! Sorry for the absence but it seems everyone else is busy too with life! And its nice outside! I have been out and about alot! My cousin was in town too for a while to see his son graduate. I haven't seen that guy that told me I wasn't a "good Mexican woman" anymore and that's good. Not that I am holding anything against him. I did have to keep giving it to God and now I'm good. I went out with my cousin's wife last night and that was fun. She needed to get her mind off the fact that her hubby is headed back to Afghanistan for ten months now. She gets depressed easy. Very easy and tends to stay in it longer than she should. I dont' know if she can help that or not. I would think not, so we get her out to get things off her mind. And so she doesn't just dwell in it! She has recently gone through a lot. They both have.

Anyway, life has been good and I still haven't found another car yet. Wah! I am so dying to get one but the process seems very slow since I can't travel much and gas prices are so high. I am seeking to buy a used car from and individual and it is taking longer than I thought. I wanted to buy the first one I saw!!! It did seem like a good deal to me, but, my dad said no. So here I sit! Well! just got word he found a Sentra for me so lets see!!! Maybe this weekend is my weekend!!!

It was great spending time with my cousin and his family. Now he's gone. I will miss him!

Mama Day Weekend

2007-05-14T21:57:00.000-05:00

Very good week for me this past week. I am still working on some issues but I am content with my life. I finally have the money I need to get a car and a little to spare. I am very slow at moving though, and gas just jumped over $3 here! I need help finding and choosing one. I am not good at that. Maybe I just need to pray about that huh?

My work week went pretty well. Good days, I got lots done. I am finally catching up my filing from a while back when our receptionist was out a unexpected week. Among various other days prior to that! I felt good at the end of the week that so many things were done and I was basically looking for work to do.

Friday's meeting was good but I could not get my thoughts together well enough to share effectively I think. So I kept it short and to the point! Then I saw my man after that. We went our separate ways on Saturday and I got to go shopping with my sister and her husband. We went shoe shopping and window shopping too. I found a pair of sandals I wanted and decided on them. My kids had been shopping for me and said they did not like the pair I wanted and I was not going to get them for Mother's day! So I got them myself! Well, I found another pair I liked a lot but not available in my size. So I gotta go online for them!

Sunday came and I went to church to meet the girls there. My kids had partied the night before and they overslept so I didn't get to see them. I went to church with SS and it was a very small church and it was very nice. It's been a very long time since I've been in another church. And even longer for a small one like this one was. I was very nice though. Everyone knew one another...well. I got lots of looks, but overall they were very nice. Many spoke to me and welcomed me and I got a very cool pen! I love it! I do not know if I mentioned...I am in an interracial relationship with SS, and his church is a small mostly all black church. I am Mexican. A very light Mexican. So I was actually expecting some dirty looks even in church, and maybe that was wrong on my part. I didn't get what I expected. Some surprised looks but not dirty looks.

But Sunday was great! After church we ate at a local Soul Food Buffet, which I thought would be better but it really was not to great. It was good. Just not what I had heard which was great. Later we went to his place and then to the movies to see NEXT. It was good. Hadn't heard about it much but it was good. Then I went home to wait for my girls, and only one made it but I did see them Monday. They both bought me some shoes. One casual tennis shoe and one dressy open toed wedge for work or casual.

My Mother's day was great. I hope all yours were too. I missed the Fiesta here again, but there's always next year. I just couldn't get down there. But I had a lovely weekend. I didn't have such a great Monday, I missed work due to a migraine. Not enough rest sleeping on the couch! I was so tired so I stayed home. And something did sit well with my stomach either. Anyway, it was still great! My dogs appreciated my presence at home all day with them though! They loved that!

Awaking to a better day.

2007-05-06T16:55:00.000-05:00

Today I feel so much better. I tended to the grand baby yesterday evening. Which kept my mind on him and not on me anymore. Until I started writing. Then the events of the day came back. And instead of focusing on the fun my baby had, I focused on the negative of the day. I do have a need to get it off my chest each time something bothers me like that though. I still think that is good. It always feels better.

I put the baby to bed after our outing to a neighbors Cinco De Mayo party. Early on there were but a very few kids. Later I went back and there were plenty of kids. My little chulo is now 1 and wandering all over the place. I love watching him. I found it hard to eat trying to keep track of him too though. He was eating with me but then got full and decided to play. Then we came home finally at 10:30! He was supposed to be in bed at 10! Out with his partying grandma!!! He didn't get to bed until 11!!! But he usually gets fussy when he's tired and he didn't. I hurried to make his bed and get it comfy so he could lay down and go to sleep. He patiently followed me around with his favorite blanket and thumb! He was ready to go to sleep as soon as we got home. Both dogs did the same. Followed me around. He laid down, I covered him and left him to sleep. Such a sweetie. We slept in today. Didn't go to church, the rain or thunderstorm, gave me the excuse not to take him out. He was sound asleep. So I watched my favorite preachers on tv this morning. And she'd only packed shorts for him and no warm clothes, it was cold this morning. Cold and wet.

I had a few bad dreams last night too though. I usually don't remember my dreams but they woke me up last night. All morning long too. I kept dozing until the kids came to pick up the baby.

Today I am grateful for a new morning.
Awaking to a better perspective of my life.
Awaking to care for my unconditionally loving pooches!
Awaking to a darling, still sleeping grand baby.
For the rainy morning...
For the inspiring posts of you other bloggers in my life.
For my wonderful God who keeps his hand on me.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!

2007-05-05T23:34:00.000-05:00

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!!

Now, today I had all kinds of plans, but earlier in the week, I agreed to watch the grand baby so my daughter could carry out hers. She doesn't do too much so I took the baby today. I was nickin' for a baby fix. I dreaded it cause I wanted to celebrate today, but for some reason wanted to see that baby worse than party! ~Or maybe that's just God putting me where I need to be, huh?~ Anyway, I was gonna clean up and straighten up and baby proof the house a bit so he could wander safely. Of course, that didn't happen. I did straighten up but I decided to run around with my man and a friend of his before I started.

That is where my man's friend decided he'd test me to see how Mexican I was. Being born here I am not your typical Mexican woman. I do not fit the mold. I am a career woman since I had to handle all the bills most of the time. I can't cook the way lots of Mexican women can cook. I'd like to, but I can't and I have never felt bad because of it. I had a man who didn't like authentic Mexican food. I was with him for 23 years and met him in high school. He did not like it when I tried to get more culturally in line with my own kind. And I let him direct my thinking in such a way that I just did what he wanted and let him talk me out of what I wanted to do or be. Except for my education, but he disliked even that about me. Even though he wanted me to be at home, barefoot and pregnant, I still got my education and had to support us most of the time. So I was not home a lot to do a lot of tending to my household. That is another full time job in itself. I do feel like I should be the way others say I should be.

But my heart now tells me I am as I should be. My program says I am exactly where God wants me to be at this point in my life. I do have lots to work on, but I do not need to fit into any one's mold. No one's idea of what I should do or not do and how they define "a good Mexican woman". Or even a good woman...

Earlier today I didn't let it bother me so much. I am happy with me as I am and my man says the same. He knows I can't cook well but he is happy for whatever I've fixed for him. I do not do it much but I do it when I can. If there is an opportunity, I usually take it. We don't live together, so I don't do it much anyway. I do cook for me. But I feel support from him and not shame. There is something funny though....as I write this it hurts me. I was steel earlier and now I am crying. I think I should be the way he said, but I am not. There was also no way I was going to show any weakness to this man who I felt was judging me. I also think my "man" should have stopped his "friend" from being like that to me. He did interrupt, but his "friend" kept on going. Later his friend said he was just teasing and didn't mean to be so hard on me. I told him I wasn't worried about what he thought of me. But other than the more rampant judgement of not being Mexican enough because I am not a fluent speaker of Spanish (although I do understand and speak a lot of the language), my experience of taking care of home has been quite limited. I know I am lacking, but I also know I am working on me no matter what others think. And I don't pretend to be more than I am. I wasn't faking like I know more than I do.

Then this friend admitted he couldn't speak Spanish. He can understand it but can't speak it! Can you believe that?! Mexican-Americans who are not fluent would understand that is a big thing, the same as he thinks I should be "a good Mexican woman" he doesn't even fit under the stereotypical "Real Mexican" as someone who is fluent in the Spanish language!!!!! And that was my way to start in on him. But because he is my man's friend, and I didn't want to be disrespectful, or continue a stupid arguement, even though we had just met and he didn't hold back, I didn't say anything but gave him a look and didn't say a thing. But maybe a "Really?" comment. That made it so much easier to let go of what he said to me. And the fact that, for him to even talk to me in such a way, some woman had to have hurt him quite a bit. Maybe she was a "good Mexican woman?"

I was already told a while back that he was still hurting over his woman leaving him and that was mostly all he talked about. And its been years. I forgot how many. But I do think I need to talk with my "man" about his allowing that. I know I should defend myself, but I don't have good comebacks at all when it comes to arguing. And I don't think I should have to against his friends. It seemed he tried but I just feel he didn't try hard enough. I guess that is why I am hurt. Justified or unjustified, I still hurt. The combination of those two things just has gotten to me and it is coming out now. But I am content with who I am and I am working this program to love me and fix me. And that is still happening. But this bugs me - tonight.

So today I am grateful for being "ME"! And having a Loving, caring God who loves me as I am. And Who does for me what I can't do for myself!

Making it through!

2007-04-30T22:33:00.000-05:00

I had that rough weekend a couple of weeks ago. Well, maybe last weekend. This weekend was cool even though it didn't go as I wanted it to at all. It was a good weekend. I got my grass cut, it was hurting for that, sadly. But it is done now. My niece's birthday party was Sunday and that was fun. Today I started to feel lonely again! I couldn't get my guy on the phone and of course, I started to plunge into sadness again. I do NOT like that in me. It isn't seeming that serious. Only one day? Not even 24 hours sometimes. I wish that would stop. But its not it is happening more often it seems. But another friend called and we caught up on each other's lives. So I made it through and then the man finally called.

I missed out on an AA celebration weekend due to all the stuff I needed to do around the house. But they taped it all so I can at least purchase who I wanted to hear over the weekend! Happy Day! I will do that soon.

My guy came to cut my grass this weekend, and my daughter was here too. We all three sat and talked after he was done outside. We ate, we chatted a while. She left and he suggested we sit outside. We sat out there quiet mostly, sometimes talking, chatting with the neighbor and watching the dramas play out up and down the block. Mostly down the block...lol. I felt so good just holding his arm as we sat saying nothing. Actually, I love his arms, he's working out so much now and they are looking mighty good if you know what I mean! I just have to touch them. I need to step it up a notch! I still haven't gotten back into the routine of doing my Taebo every other day as I want to. My stomach is still here! Not shrinking!

There was a man going around shooting up lots of folks this weekend here. At one of the malls in a much better part of town too! He killed his neighbor, took her car, stopped at a gas station and shot a cop there, then went to the mall to shoot up more folks! Then he was killed by the cops. What is going on out here??? My guy told me tonight that he was going to go up to that very mall yesterday when it was happening. He wanted to go to a store they have there and just got busy and didn't go. Thank God! He may have been involved!!!

Today I am grateful for:

~my dogs who love me and crave my attention.
~my guy and his decision to stay home yesterday.
~my friend who called me tonight to catch up.
~my empty (no drama filled) house.
~the ability to relax completely in my house.
~my cell phone pics of the grand baby!
~my Internet connection!!!
~my digital camera pics of the grand baby and life in general.
~Trusting that my God is watching over me in my home life alone.
~the visit from my guy this weekend. Sitting on the porch together.
~my neighbors on both sides, they are good neighbors.
~me wanting to straighten up around here. Live better. Look better.
~my time I spend here, searching and learning about me.
~the time I spend here reading about you all.

Thanks for letting me share...

Finding my own truth...

2007-04-25T10:38:00.000-05:00

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Finding Our Own Truth

We must each discover our own truth.It does not help us if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us.

It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves.

We must each discover and stand in our own light.We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated. That's how we break through our struggle; that's how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.

We can share information with others. Others can tell us what may predictably happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, and our knowledge.

There is no easy way to break through and find our truth.But we can and will, if we want to.

We may want to make it easier. We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our discovery easier. They cannot. Light will shed itself in its own time.

Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours.

Encouragement helps. Support helps. A firm belief that each person has truth available - appropriate to each situation - is what will help.

Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed. Don't give up until you find it - for yourself.

We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone.

Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision and the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries - the ones that are right for us today.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Expectations

2007-04-24T22:34:00.000-05:00

Well, after talking to a friend in the program, I discovered that I was expecting a certain result....even though the new guy had told me what he planned to do Saturday evening. I thought I was acting on a change in routine from every weekend. I know that was a sign from my last relationship that my ex was cheating. But I do trust the new guy. I don't have any reason to think badly of his behavior. I knew it was me but I couldn't see what in me was bugging me. I know I hated the way I felt this past weekend. I am also used to him calling me daily, and he still does, so if one day is missed, I start thinking something is wrong! And nothing has changed, he's just not contacted me. And I guess I expected it!

Well, it is sometimes hard to see why I am feeling the way I feel. I should have called my sponsor, I didn't think of it. I thought to call no one...it never crossed my mind. That is pretty weird that I did that. I usually think of calling some one when I feel bad. But this time it didn't happen.

Today, I am grateful to discover this about me. And hopefully I can use this knowledge to maintain my serenity. Cause I surely lost it!!! LOL!

Today, I am grateful to the program for helping to discover the things within me that make me crazy! And to be able with the help of my God, to change those things. Or rather, to allow Him mold me. To call on Him and trust He can do it, because I alone cannot!

Today, I am grateful for the friends I have in the program, and their ability to see within me. And to not be critical but accepting of my nuttiness!

The Blahs

2007-04-21T23:36:00.000-05:00

What a week. I am so glad it is over. I am home tonight. The new guy is out with his friend. You know, I get confused when this happens on the weekend. I don't get why. I think that something is wrong. Anytime he does something different. Maybe its just that the newness of the relationship is now cooling off some. I do not like this feeling - again! I don't feel like doing anything and it almost seems like I get a little depressed. I hate that! But I am not too sad. Just wondering why...and he calls me whenever he is with his friends. Its like he's checking in to let me know what they are doing. I think that's weird too. I don't do that when I'm with my friends. I was gonna go to a new Salsa club tonight but didn't even think about it when he said he was going to be with his friend tonight. I totally forgot it. I had stuff to do here, and, I didn't do them...I think I did maybe half of all I wanted to do. I can't stand that about me either.

But I went to the movies early today and I thought it was going to be a group from church. It wasn't. It was the guy who asked me if we could "hang out" from this past Sunday. We've known each other for a long time and I thought just hanging out was okay. I still think its okay. We talked alot this week. I felt like he was trying to lead me in a relationship kind of direction. Romantic direction. So Friday I had to have a "lets make everything clear" talk with him. He seemed to be wanting that and I didn't' think I should mislead him. He said he wanted friendship and only to have someone to hang out with. So that's where we are today. He seemed pretty sad though. But, his apartment has been closed due to a fire recently and luckily, his apt didn't burn up but it does have smoke damage. So he can't stay there until Monday now. I felt kinda sad for him. He is staying with a friend of his. I felt the need to help him too, when he mentioned he couldn't stay at his own place! Just like I wanted to help the kids earlier this week, I wanted to help him.

I did have a good time with him. He was very polite and it was funny, he kept his distance from me and it was noticeable. In the movie, we sat with one empty chair in between us. I thought, weird, but not for this guy, really. Anyway, the movie was funny. Blades of Glory.

I do know my dogs are glad I didn't go anywhere. They were dying for my attention. All day long! It was eighty degrees here and they wanted to be in the house with me! Well, such was my day...church tomorrow.

Hey...maybe that's who I need to give it to...my HP....hmmm. Night...

Troubled again

2007-04-16T20:04:00.000-05:00

So many things are happening again. My kids keep getting in trouble, not bad trouble just money troubles and getting on their feet struggles and I so wish I could help them. So badly! I hurt so much due to the fact that I can't help them in anyway. Not even financially basically. I am not in such good shape myself and I can't do anything. Their father is currently in bad shape himself (which I didn't know) and he can't help either. I feel so bad. I want to help and can't. I guess this is the way it is supposed to be, there must be a reason. This feels horrible. I can't stand it. I can if I try I guess. Just let go of what I can't change. But boy does this hurt my heart.

Monday rantings

2007-04-02T21:53:00.000-05:00

I am not doing my exercises again! I keep getting very unmotivated! The new guy is doing his. Like he has a really good reason for it but me, I have a good reasons too, but I'm not doing it! Why! Why! Why?! I can't stand this!

I am grateful that I want to do them and realize I should take care of me! But I am not continuing to do it!

Sorry, I just needed to rant! I can't stand when I won't do what I need to do! I want to get in shape, clean up around here, get things done in the yard and around the house, move my furniture around, unclutter around here!!!! But am I? No! I really hope it is not this new relationship. I spend a lot of time with him. It is just now dying down a little.

There are a few things on my mind. I still need more money. It is just too tight.

I do think about what the new guy thinks about many things. I keep trying to figure him out when I could just ask. But do I? NO!

I feel convicted because I think I should be closer to God than I feel I am. Though, I do feel pretty darn close to God at times. Many times.

Maybe I just needed to confess. Maybe this will help. Now I want to get up and do a little something!

My New Life is so good!

2007-03-26T22:23:00.000-05:00

Life is good. I love where I am at today in my new life in recovery. I have new friends who understand me and my craziness, listen to me, but still tell me what needs to be said. And I can accept it and see my part in it. Where I may be wrong and right. Usually where I was wrong! LOL! I love to be still learning and learning to be in a normal relationship. I know not completely normal, but very different than what I was used to. It shows sometimes too that I am not accustomed to being treated the way SS treats me. He sees it, but I don't know if he realizes it. But he is surprised at times by how I think. It hasn't happened lately enough for him to see, but its there. Anyway, life is good. I am having a good time. Things aren't perfect, but they never are. And I am happy.

I saw the baby tonight, he is just wandering all over the place now. He will be one year old soon. He's such a cutie pie. A gorgeous boy! He's talking baby gibberish too. Lots of it. Life is good.

I mentioned some of my pretty recent past with SS tonight and he was surprised I think. Somehow we got on the subject of my kids and their boyfriends. I told him of a couple of run-ins I've had with them. One where I actually popped one in the mouth and busted his lip. He immediately said, "you could have gone to jail". And, if any woman hit him, they will go to jail. Well! I understand, really. But I was still surprised. I never thought this way when I got hit. Nor did I think that I had that option when I or my girls got into trouble. I thought I was gonna take up for them. Period. No cops. I can handle it. I'll finish it really... It kinda caught me off guard a bit. But that was an option I never realized was even available. That is so strange how I was thinking back then.

Thank God for my program. The more I live and interact with all these new people in my life, those in the program and outside of the program but who do not have similar problems, the more I learn how to live. Hearing it around the tables and living my life in recovery. I am so loving it but so surprised at times by what I am learning. And I guess reflecting on my life in the past. I feel sad that I did the things I did. But I am so happy and grateful that nothing worse happened to me or my girls. I am thankful things smoothed out and I can learn instead of just react to those around me. Not near as much fear is involved anymore. For that I am grateful.

I am so glad to have all these new people in my life. Good or bad. They all teach me something. Today I am so glad to be able to learn from all my experiences and not feel like a victim of my circumstances anymore! God is so good!

Good Friday night/Home Makeover In KC!

2007-03-17T14:28:00.000-05:00

I had an okay week. Mostly just work and running around at night! Just busy, not being bad or anything! Friday comes and I go to a sparsely attended Al-Anon. We discussed the Third step, Acceptance and Surrender. It was a good meeting as always! It even went over about twenty minutes! Not normal for us! Then, I was leaving and a friend of my ex mentioned to me, "What goes around comes around - You know what I mean, don't cha?" I told her I thought so. She commenced to tell me about my ex and his woman who is also a recovering addict. She's doing to him what he'd always done to me but it is a bit more extreme. He's getting back the same treatment. Anyway, I knew of all she mentioned since he called me to tell me all the dirt anyway as soon as it happened. I had to step away from the conversation after thinking, I don't really want the worst for him. I am not like that. Wishing badly on him, even if many women think he deserves it. Or I should hate. But I can't. I've never been that way, probably never will be and now that I am in Al-Anon? That's not what they teach nor what I have learned in the program. And its just not my God's way!

So, I had to direct the conversation in a different direction. It did change. She mentioned how she always prays for me to have some one who treats me well. Someone who would be good to me. And right now, that is what I have. His maturity level alone is so much more on my same level. He's confident enough not to be jealous. He's so different. He's a good guy. My ex is a really good guy too, but very self-centered and will use people very easily. Especially those closest to him. But he's working on it. He really is - to a point. But I guess I did detach because I knew it wasn't good to gossip about him either. It was all true and this is God's will for the both of us, but no need to keep re-living it. And God (my HP) has truely blessed me to meet men who do not have those types of problems (not problem-free in any way! but!) and I won't have a problem trusting them in the same room with my purse or car keys!

God has been so good to me. I complain here and there, but He's been better to me than I ever would be. Pruning me and that stinks sometimes, and sometimes not. Proving He will care for me and I still have a hard time believing He will. I still hesitate when He says "Do this". And quite hard headed in a few other areas. He keeps showing me what to do and I still hesitate! What a mess! But, I am working on it! Sometimes its a struggle, well, most times recently. But due to my hard-headedness! He is still good as usual!

Didn't go to the St. Patty's Day parade, too cold. It turned out not to be so bad. Interesting note!!! Kansas City is featured again on the TV show Extreme Home Makeover! Keith Green construction is doing the home. The Jacobo family in North KC is getting a new home with nine bedrooms tomorrow!!! They had 900 sq feet to live in and will have 5000 sq feet!!! I wanna go see, I may try to go. It sounds like fun. Being in the crowd may be fun. I'll definately write if I do!

I watched an HBO special on "Addictions" Thursday night. I thought it was pretty interesting. It was very much on the scientific side of addictions and treating it as a disease. Very interesting if you like documentaries! I love them! It is a 9 week series. Myself and a couple of friends are getting together to watch it. There was very little mention of the 12 step programs. That was sad to not have that along with the drugs they kept talking about. But it is just the first episode! Looking forward to the rest of them!

Lonely weekend

2007-03-11T22:40:00.000-05:00

My weekend went pretty okay. Saturday didn't turn out like I had wished but, it came out okay. I did have some weird moments again...

Saturday I was going back and forth with inviting friends over to have Margaritas. I had missed one's birthday and that is what she wanted to do. I love Margaritas myself. So OK, let's do it! So I finally picked up a bit around here...I can't believe I am taking so long to take care of things around here! That's what I noticed first. And, I am not a very willing host. One lady I knew how she is when she drinks, she's a hoot! She falls asleep! I can handle that. But the other I don't know. Anyway, they say they are coming and so I wait. I bought all the stuff, and waited. Told the new guy I was getting together with the girls tonight and wouldn't be by this evening. And I waited. And waited. I really had debated a lot in my mind as to whether or not to do this at all! It is also the first time I've had any company since the break up. Maybe longer! Its been almost two years since the break up. So this really was a big step for me. I invited SS (the new guy) over too along with his friend. They were supposed to be coming anyway to look at my drain in the basement - clogged!!

Okay, so nobody shows, nobody. Nobody calls, nothing. I called SS and his friend forgot. So there goes that. The friends never call. I didn't call either. I wasn't feeling good with a cough anyway, and I was getting tired. So I didn't make a big deal out of it.

In the past I would have been calling to the point that they may not even continue answering and then started a pity party! Today it was no big deal. I finally got some things done and I have Marg fixin's when I want them. It will sit there too. I always let alcohol just sit there since I don't drink much at all. Maybe God is using these incidents to prune me. As my sister says. That was a Joyce Meyer thing. That is probably why things are constantly happening.

I did feel the pangs of loneliness which I don't understand. It was only one night. I am fine all week and if I am alone on the weekend suddenly I feel lonely. But I am quick to find something to busy my time with. And so I've felt it but I can make it. Its fine. Maybe I am still adjusting to my empty nest. If I hadn't mentioned, my oldest moved out in early January and even though it seems she doesn't care for it much, she is still there. I hate the neighborhood. It is a pretty bad area. I pray for her protection all the time. I'm glad Saturday is over.

Sunday, SS invited me to his sister's for dinner. I went excited to meet some of his family. I felt very extremely shy. I was really not me. Very quiet. I had a good time. But his sister did get a chance to chat with me for a few minutes. She had no idea who I was. I was a little surprised by the fact that he hadn't told anyone about me yet. But I am pretty new to this dating thing, and he did mention he didn't like to make the first move in a relationship. But we've already been intimate and I just assumed he'd at least mentioned me. So I felt a little weird, I was vague with my answers about us and just left it at that. We haven't had any discussion on what we are exactly, I guess its time to find out. That has made me nervous. And I don't know why. Maybe I fear rejection? But I honestly don't think that will happen. So who knows? The next relationship jitters??? LOL! Maybe so....I'm not sure how to proceed except to just ask.

But I had a good time at his sister's place, I felt very welcomed, and went home with a plate of food! Always good!

Church was just for me today. And a few others. The message was not to isolate, because then you are accountable to no one. And you do whatever and your thinking can be your greatest enemy. Pastor was talking about Stinkin' Thinkin' being bad for us. Saying something negative to yourself over and over causes you to believe it and not live up to what God intended for you. And believing in God and acting on that belief are two very different things. I love my church! It is really starting to feel different. Like more open, less condemning and I don't have to be perfect to fit in. I felt like that before.

One of the guys there had asked me to go to lunch after church a few weeks ago. I refused due to $$ and he said he'd cover it. Well, he changed his mind I guess and then just dodged me. Instead of telling me it was more than he'd expected. It didn't upset me, I just assumed that is what was going on and let it go. It had surprised me that he'd even offered and I asked if he was sure. That was a few weeks ago. He saw me today and we just said our "Hello" as normal. I was leaving and he stopped me. He told me it was too expensive for him and that's what had happened. And then he mentioned that I knew his name and always used it when I saw him. He apologized for not remembering mine and then we chatted a little about how long we have attended the same church. Over 10 years for both of us! He is pretty unforgettable, a little off it seems and sometimes pretty hard hearted or condemning to some of his lady friends. From how he describes his interactions with them. Those of us in the church can be a bit self-righteous to others at times, if not always. And I used to be the same with my ex. I'm so glad that has changed.

Anyway, he seemed to really want to talk to me and I just kept taking care of my business, but you know, I felt uncomfortable. Like, since I am seeing SS, that I shouldn't be even chatting with this guy. I felt like I was leading him on or something. There has never been anything romantic even slightly with my friend at church. It was the first time he'd invited me to lunch or even spoken to me other than in passing. But I felt wrong. So is this CodA behavior too? I guess I should do some reading on it. To help me understand. Okay, enough ranting for tonight.

I am very thankful for my weekend. It ain't perfect here, but I finally got something done! One major thing is done now! Next step!!!!

HP and my program, amazing

2007-03-06T06:49:00.000-06:00

Nice, quiet, weekend. I love those kinda weekends. Didn't do too much and actually just lazied around all day Saturday. I got to see the grand baby Sunday. It was pretty quiet. A single weird incident on Sunday though. Saturday my ex got married to the girlfriend he left me for. And Sunday, he contacts me. Said he was wondering if I was okay and if I knew what he had done. I knew. I was truly fine. I was with the new guy when I was reminded of it, and so tired that once I got off the phone that morning, I passed out again and didn't think of it anymore until later in the day. My kids hadn't contacted me. I thought I was gonna do some baby sitting and didn't have to. Good thing, I was busy anyway! LOL

Last week a lady at work was so rude to me on the phone. NO big deal, I am a receptionist and I deal with that daily sometimes. I am always professional about it. She didn't hesitate to show her attitude towards me. It was very bad over the phone due to the fact that I would not identify myself and she was demanding information. When people come at me like that I am very professional with them but I do not give out any information. And that is for everyone, but once they tell me who they are I can decide to open up. But only once I know who they are and if I am allowed to give them the information they desire. So, me holding my ground upset her. She wasn't identifying herself. Finally she did. And I happily gave her the info and transferred her. She was a coworker calling from her cell so I had no idea who she was.

Later in the day, actually not too much later, she came at me in my face about it. She was still highly upset. And she started to tell every one how wrong I did her on the phone. She told the story wrong, so I corrected her. I did not explain why I had not told her who I was. Maybe I should have. She started trying to turn the story around to make it seem like I did her so wrong. All the ladies were gathered for a birthday celebration at this time. By the end of our words, she understood completely that I was not going to just let her tell her story or blame me for how she felt. I did nothing wrong and I didn't know who she was. I would have done the same to anyone else demanding information from me. I was still nice to her even after we had our words! Very nice. I am pretty darn good at letting things go - I always have been except with my ex!!!! And some family!!! LOL! She went back to her department and commenced to tell all of them what I had done to her yet again! So then they came to me!!! And it started all over again. While explaining to them what happened, I realized I gave them a more clear explanation of what went on and why I responded the way I did. I guess without the attitude being in my face, I was better able to express what happened and why. She ignored me the rest of the week. Until Friday. Then she spoke again, just to say good-bye. It was unexpected. Very unexpected since we don't work together we don't have much interaction. But it was good for me to see that she seemed not to hold a grudge. She is infamous for that. Its like her thing! And, every one was telling me how I was on her "shit list" now and it was always going to be bad between us. And I see her do it to others, she is like that.

The point to me was, I have a program, she was attacking me deliberately it seemed. I know she's not a happy person. I did choose to defend myself which, I normally would have just let her tell it and not said a thing. Nothing in my defense. I am glad I did it still very courteously, and it was done a few days later when she let it go too. It felt good to have said something. To have defended me and my actions. And the HP helped too! He did a much larger part. She seriously pissed me off and I feel my anger more so now than prior to Al-Anon and CodA. I am also not afraid to show others how I feel either. I feel more true to me than ever before in my life and I want to keep going forward with that! Thanks to my program! And to God for answering my prayers that morning. "Please Lord, let me just do this right, not evil, not hateful, just let me express what I feel constructively! And don't let me go off on her!"

Thanks, Lord! You are truly amazing!

I'm Back to Blogging!!!

2007-02-26T20:26:00.000-06:00

I miss blogging. I want to get back to normal. Just been so busy. Birthdays, Roundups, Outings, tons of activities have gone on. And if I am home to blog there is always something to do around the house or I am tired! Oh, and PC problems. Just slowwww moving problems with my PC. And that is if I am home for any length of time!

My Al-Anon Mom & Dad had their birthdays recently. One in January and one in February. Of course I must be there! If Ma is doing anything. Hers is coming up in a few days! The Sunflower Roundup was excellent! I didn't get a CD of the one speaker who just cracked me up! They sold out of him completely! I have to order online now. He was Doug R. from Tujunga, California. He was hilarious! A riot! Anyway, I gotta order him online! They had a tape but I don't have a tape player anymore! I needed a CD! I made it to the Roundup every day. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Quite a while on Saturday too. I did not attend the dance this year since I was going to see the new guy!!! But everyone I knew who might have gone was not staying for the dance. They all went home!!! So, I left! My girls didn't make it on Sunday like I had asked them to. They went with their father for his birthday lunch get together his family had on Sunday. I was disappointed but he doesn't see them near as often as I do, and they chose to go with him anyway! OOOOOoooo, that hurt! Not really! I know they didn't really want to go! One went with me last year and she liked the speaker, oh well, there's always next year.

My ex announced their plans to be married in June back in December last year. Its been moved up to this Saturday now. My oldest is not liking that idea and doesn't speak well about it! My youngest is quite accepting of the whole thing. I am not feeling badly or upset over it - I am so glad! Actually it is a relief, since it seemed like he kept picking the exact same days we had marked our anniversaries and significant dates from our time together. It seemed he was trying to replace me with her. But who knows, I didn't think he was actually choosing those specific dates as similar milestones in their relationship. He couldn't possibly be, I know his memory, and it is not good. Never really has been. But it did seem like it and now with them marrying in March, it is not a big deal anymore.

Anyone heard of this HBO series on Addictions? I've gotten an email about it and it starts in March...I forgot what day. I have a friend who says I can watch with him. I hope so, I hope he doesn't forget. I know very few people who have HBO and most I don't know what their plans are and they may not even be interested in it enough to watch. I want to see this series though. Sounds very interesting. And I have no cable whatsoever! LOL!

I keep noticing I am still doing little CodA behavior with the new guy. I wait for approvals(not just with him either!), do things that he is not expecting me to do for him, I feel like I need to be at his side if he walks away. Its weird to see myself doing this. And I can stop myself but you know, I gotta think about it and apply my program constantly thinking on it. It isn't as bad as I may sound, but I do see these things. Sometimes its funny and sometimes not. I don't know if he notices some things, but I think he does. He seems surprised at times.

I am glad he (the new guy) is accepting of my meetings. I figured it would be a problem in my next relationship since I do go on Friday nights. My Thursday is early enough to not take my whole night. But the Friday meeting does. We get done at 9 but sometimes chat until 10 or so if its nice out. Its been a while since we've done anything after the meeting. I am grateful for someone in my life who doesn't insist on his way all the time. I am free to do what I need to do for me. It is such a blessing for someone to understand and support me, especially one who is not in the program but is part of my life. An important part of my life.

I did get a rather funny question from him recently.... I attend so many meetings regularly, he thinks I am not telling him the truth about not having an addiction. And since I attended the Sunflower Roundup, which is an AA thing, he thinks I was an alcoholic and just not telling him so. He's not seen me drink and I am with him sometimes all weekend long. So hopefully he can tell I am not lying to him. He doesn't seem to be real serious when he asks me that. I thought that was funny. And of all days my father asked me if I went to church Sunday, and I didn't - I went to the Roundup Spiritual Meeting that morning! So I told him I went to hear ex-drunks tell their stories! He seemed to get a kick out of that one!

Today I am grateful for:
My program helping me recognize my little CodA behaviors and things I need to watch.
My Sponsor
A man who thinks I deserve to be treated well. (I've never heard those words before!)
My Al-Anon Ma and Pa, and their love for me...And my love for them!
Each of you who read me. So many of you that I read.
My dogs - even though they are making me nuts right now! (One is in heat!!!!)
My friend who brought me soup when I was sick.
My Al-Anon friends who miss me when I'm gone!
My father who pours it all out when we see each other. And him treating me out to eat!
My CodA friends who miss me when I'm gone!

God is Amazing, Life is unbelievable sometimes...

2007-02-17T15:46:00.000-06:00

You know God is so good. My friend at work, her daughter was hit by car on the highway just this past Tuesday. She was fine, nothing broken. She was back to work on Thursday! We had just had a new snow and she lost control and ended up in a ditch. A tow truck pulled her out. Her and her car were fine. Then someone else lost control, hit the tow truck, hit her, knocking her twenty feet away in the air, and then hit her car too! She ended up face-down in the snow, and she is fine except for bruising on her legs! Amazing!

You know, God is good to me. I've met a very nice new guy(same new guy), I've eaten all week long for free, my car is still running well even in this bone chilling weather, and although my finances are extremely tight, I have everything I need. My friend from one of my meetings said he missed me - in his own way. I've missed him too. I received a thank you note from my Al-Anon Dad, for attending his birthday celebration. I have a connection to the Internet at my beck and call!!!! Yahooooooo!!!!

Well, I am sick today. I had a good Valentine's Day too. My dinner didn't turn out right, but he still liked it. I am determined to make it again. It was too easy and it didn't turn out right. So I must do it again. I liked it too, I want to try again. It was a quiet evening. It was nice. And we had lunch for the next day!

I wanted to write more, because more has happened. I'm tired. I'll be back....Haven't seen my cousin yet either since I've been sick!

Birthday Weekend

2007-02-13T20:51:00.000-06:00

I keep having trouble with my connection again. Well, no my PC keeps locking up on me, hence the not coming back to post again! No one was hurt in the explosion last week. Everyone was out before it blew. Then the next day, it blew again, but not so big, just before firefighters went in! They weren't hurt either. And the wind blew the smoke west, so it didn't fall in my neighborhood and we didn't need to evacuate! Thank goodness.

I took Friday off for my birthday and tried to get a little business done. Of course, that didn't happen! Not good! I am scrambling this week to do it now. And I need to get this stuff done! But I did have a good weekend. Friday I made my meeting, late, but I made it! It was a good one. Saturday, I wasted, I should have cleaned house and only did a little bit. Then felt down for some reason and slept instead. I don't know what discouraged me. Things aren't going well again at work though. I didn't get a raise I was expecting. That hurt! So that was probably it. I found out Thursday and then went to the new guys at his invitation. To help get my mind off of it. Once I came home on Saturday, I felt down and slept. S, the new guy, took me to a movie and then to dinner. It was nice. It was also hard to find a place not packed!!! So it wasn't what I think he wanted to do but it was still good. The local casinos were very busy this past weekend!

Then Sunday my family gathered at a local Chinese Food Buffet and it also served Mexican food. Not much but they had Menudo! My favorite! Then to my sister's for cake and ice cream. Instead of a Valentine shaped cake, my sister bought me cupcakes with Valentine rings on them! I loved my weekend. My boss took me out for lunch Monday and Wednesday we are having food for my birthday and Valentine's Day at work! Yeah! It is my birthday week! I am making a small dinner for S, hopefully he will like it. That's for Valentine's Day! I found the perfect card too! And a few manly items I think he will like. So I need to get around and see how everyone else is doing!

OH! My cousin who is going to Afghanistan is coming back for one final weekend before he goes this weekend. He wants to meet S, and we all go out somewhere. It will be so good to see him again before he is actually gone for a year! This is an unexpected visit!

Also, during this past week, I have found myself noticing lots of little things I keep doing that are so codependent! Its just small stuff, but I do notice it. I keep awaiting approval from those I am around. Even though the decision is mine to make. Almost everytime. I am seeking approval from everyone lately. I need to work on that I think. I am also seeking company constantly, which keeps me from doing the things I need to do. I need to take care of me as well, and I am slacking up on that as well. I guess at least I recognize or notice what I am doing. Now to apply my program. I'm trying...

Explosion here!!!!

2007-02-08T15:42:00.000-06:00

Hey! We had an explosion here yesterday! It made the national news. Here is a link with really good pictures of what was happening and what we saw from all around the metro area!!!

http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/16648470.htm

And there you will find a Photo Gallery link. I did get a couple myself. Be back later!

The Crazies

2007-02-05T00:13:00.000-06:00

You know, I know when I do something wrong to someone and I need to change something. Recently, I felt like I had done something wrong due to how someone was behaving with me. They weren't doing anything wrong. I thought they were being kinda distant. I don't know why, or how their behavior led me to believe that they were. I believe if I did something wrong or hurtful, this person would tell me. But they didn't need to tell me anything. I knew nothing was wrong, but I still felt like I had done something wrong. I may have screwed up somewhere. But that wasn't the case either! I can't stand when I feel like that! I think about it - or rather, obsess about it - the remainder of the day! Does anyone share this feeling at times??? I have to mentally or physically stop myself from thinking about it constantly. It sucks! I hate when I do that and I've done it a couple of times recently. Anyway, after some work, that feeling disappeared! I'm so glad. By the end of today, I felt new all over again!

On a more pleasant note, my family met the new guy today! My father and both my sisters and brother-in-law and his parents too. He met the Familia, they liked him. My dad wasn't vocal at all about it but, I could see he was pleased. He probably wants to hear how he treats me as things progress between us. He is taking the cautious route of accepting him. But then again, don't all dads? LOL! We watched the Superbowl at my sister's house. It was a pleasant evening. Yeah!

OKay bedtime!!!!

Roundup info and Birthday plans!!!

2007-01-30T23:04:00.000-06:00

Yes, the RoundUp is a good time to be had! I didn't know anyone last year when I went and I went with the lady who runs our Al-Anon meeting. I went with her and her husband on Friday. They didn't stay long but I stayed until midnight. I stayed for a late meeting and the two speakers that day. There was lots to do. And lots of vendors and stuff to see and buy. I checked out all the AA books and devotionals I had a chance to look at. I will probably buy a Big Book this year. Or some other AA publication. I went back all weekend long. And that was alone! Saturday most of the day I was there except for lunch which was pretty pricey for me so I went out to get some lunch. I went to the dance and only danced a couple of times. I was afraid to ask anyone, since no one was asking me! So finally I did, and met someone who knew folks who attended the AA meeting in my same building. That was pretty cool! He was pretty young too. Too bad! Too young for me, but that is probably good! LOL! I was there Sunday and took my youngest daughter who liked it as well. It sounds like gossip to her, so she liked the stories she heard from the AA speaker that morning. Needless to say, I was hooked. It was great! I look forward to it this year again! If I could figure out how to post a file or something I could post the registration flyer and all that so you can see what the agenda is and the speakers who will be there.

It is cold here again this week. Its supposed to be frigid for the next two weeks! I don't like the cold. I really don't like it! I am taking a vacation day for my birthday. And it is supposed to be cold!!! Hopefully, I can spend it with the new guy I am seeing. It should be a busy weekend. Or maybe not! That maybe nice too! We have planned to see a new movie that Friday! So plans are already in the works.

Birthdays, Sponsors & Roundups!!!

2007-01-23T19:22:00.000-06:00

Friday's meeting was really packed! The table was full and I arrived late and had to find a place along the wall! It was a cozy seat right next to the heater! So at least I wasn't cold! I usually am in there at this time of year! I welcomed the ESH from those who shared. And the appreciation from those who didn't but shared their appreciation to those of us who did! We have a few newcomers and they seem to be really enjoying the meetings - they keep coming back!!! LOL

My sponsor wasn't there due to the weather here. We had an ice storm the week before and then the next weekend we had snow! But it remained so cold a lot of the ice didn't melt. So I didn't really expect her to show. She lives an hour away from here and I'm sure it is even harder to get around out there! Further north! I think I will give her a call tonight! We don't talk as much as we should, I know, but I always learn from her sharing. I need to continue with my fourth step too. It kinda got put on the back burner around the holidays and now things are slowing down again.

My birthday is next month!!! Hope things happen for me to have a really good one! Our CodA group will be celebrating our two year anniversary for the founding of the group! And one of us will be having her two year birthday with us as well! Two celebrations in one!!! We are going to a soul food buffet for our celebration. I love their food!! It is excellent!!!

My daughter's birthday was Monday, she's now 22!!! Can you believe it!!! I am 38 (39 this yr), I have two grown girls and a grandbaby! It is still sinking in! That little melt - my - heart baby boy!!! Oh!!! My daughter had a good time and we will be doing cake and ice cream this weekend! We waited since we had some kind of cinnamon dessert at the pizza place! She absolutely loves pizza. We all had a good time last night.

The Sunflower Roundup is coming up in February too! I loved it last year, I think I will go again this year! I love hearing the stories! They are truly amazing!!! Very inspirational too! Hope a few more of my fellow Al-Anons go, it was really good last year! I am looking forward to it this year!

Yet another change to be made...

2007-01-17T22:49:00.000-06:00

Well, my vehicle is just about done I think! It's been faithful to me for a few years, I love this car. But its got to go! I am glad it keeps on making it though. I keep calling myself taking care of it but I am not so good at that. I am just barely starting to take care of me better! I'm gonna miss it when its gone!!! The seats are plush like just right firm pillows, it rides pretty smooth even with all its problems. Well, not all its problems, just a costly transmission I am not willing to fix! I wish I had the money to put into it to restore it. I would love to have a low rider that looks like this!!!! It is in pretty darn good shape though. Only a few things as far as the body need to be done. And just keeping it clean and running properly. Wah, I do need something more economical. That is the main reason I want out of it. At the over $3 a gallon of gas period, I thought I was gonna go broke! If there was a bus that would take me even any where close to my job I'd be on it!!! This baby would be parked and I'd be on that bus daily!!!

And young men really like this car. I've had so many offers to buy it when I didn't want to sell it. And it draws a lot of attention. So much that they like trying to take it and got it once. Usually they only get my CDs! I always put on my club no matter how short my stop may be. I'm gonna miss it!!!

Just feeling grateful

2007-01-13T10:11:00.000-06:00

I love my face 2 face groups that I attend. I attended my CodA group this week, my Al-Anon group was cancelled due to the weather Friday. We got hit with freezing rain, sleet all day long on Friday, so no one came out. But at the CodA meeting, we discussed a work situation I was dealing with. I want to stand up for me, but in this case I think, it may not be the wisest thing to do! I could loose my job, and I am pretty angry about it. But I don't see any change that could arise from me saying anything. I've heard many stories too about how this situation will not change. All due to higher up execs and friends and all that kinda thing. I got some very good advice that I could handle doing in this case.

This is what I love about my f2f groups, I can immediately address my concerns that others may have gone through, and their ESH makes me able to figure out what to do when I am at a standstill. They had a question for me too concerning my last post, about the new guy. It was, "You were waiting for what????!!!" LOL, I thought it was funny, that is all I could do - laugh!
I love my groups. I am grateful for the family I have in both those circles. I feel so safe and so accepting and accepted of them! I love the contact I maintain between the different members and I. I like talking with them, sharing with them, and feeling the love I feel from them. They are great!

Today I guess, in the absence of my meeting last night, I am just feeling grateful for what my program of recovery has brought me today! I love my programs and what each has taught me and continues to teach me. May I stay ever so more willing to change as I grow older!

My New Year's Eve

2007-01-07T19:40:00.000-06:00

I forgot to post my New Year's Eve night happenings!!! It was quite different this year! One thing I did that was an as usual thing was to go to the church event we were having. But we had a singer I absolutely love! So I had to go! And my friend from work and lots of her singles group from her church were coming to see him too! They had no New Years Watch service this year. So, I had also planned to leave church early to hang out with another friend at a local restuarant/bar. I hadn't been there before and I really wanted to go to a party this year since I normally don't do that. And I wanted to have a drink too (I am an Al-Anon - if you didn't know) for once on New Year's Eve at a party or something like that. Basically, I wanted to do something different this year and I was dead set on making it happen. I did have a few options but things just didn't work out that way!

My cousin called me the same day folks were calling me to invite me or ask me what I was doing for New Year's eve. He was back from NJ for the holidays and he needed to go back to the armory by 2:00 am New Year's morning! So, if I drink, I know I can't drive, I am no good even after one (strong one). So since he needed a ride that basically cut my option to drink. So that was out! No drinking for the night. I had to pick him up at 1 am. And church ended at 12:30 or so.

I wasn't going to stay for the full service at church. I was going to leave early to catch up to another friend. I ended up staying at the church until 12:15 then left to go to my cousins house! I got a call from a friend who was near Westport (our party area here in KC) who needed a ride. So after getting my cousin, we went to get my friend. Who had been sitting at least an hour and it was cold that night too! So my cousin, his wife, my friend and I took him to the armory. NO one was there of course when we got there. So we had to wait. Then the new guy had called to invite me to his friends get together he always goes to. So I told him if he was still there, I would join him as well. But after my cousin left and my friend got home. My friend happens to live in that part of town anyway. And my cousin's wife wanted to come too so she wouldn't have to think about my cousin leaving, and we have a good time together anyway.

So we dropped off my friend, and headed for the new guys get together! He didn't give me correct directions and the party was over by the time I was headed in the right direction. So now we needed gas. He met us at the closest QT and gave me a hug. Then he asked for a ride home - he was driving a friend's truck home for him who had been drinking. He always does this for him he says. Anyway, okay, so now I need to follow him and give him a ride back north to his place and then take my cousin home back to KCK! I was all over the city all night long! I actually don't mind the long drives and can drive straight thru for five hours at a time. I was thinking from the time my friend called me, man, this night is not turning out quite like I had hoped! But the new guy ended up not needing a ride, so I finally took my cousin's wife home and I got home about 4:15. Went to bed about 4:30! I was SO tired by then and was so glad to be home!

But even though the night didn't go any way I had planned, I had fun driving everyone to their destinations and I still got to see everyone I wanted to see that night! Very different and I still had fun. Maybe God didn't really want me to have that drink, huh? That's what I was thinking. And, I had plenty of coolers in my fridge so I could drink later(can you tell I'm a heavy drinker? COOLERS!). And they are still in there today. Just sitting, getting old - if that happens. They probably will sit there until my birthday now - next month. I think I've had them since Christmas.

Today I am also grateful for:
The chance to help out my cousin and my friend that evening. My cousin almost let me out of it that night. Actually, he did. But I really wanted to do it for him, so I insisted he let me take him. It was my chance to see him just before he left for NJ and later to Afghanistan. We will not see him prior to his leaving for Afghanistan. Now we won't see him until 2008.
My ability to ask for what I want when I feel really strongly about it - now. I didn't feel I had that option before.
My higher power, God, who keeps my butt in line when I try so hard at times to do my own thing. For His ability to change me when I still think it can't happen.

New Year - New things

2007-01-07T13:48:00.000-06:00

Well, this year is starting out pretty good so far. I've just been so busy. My oldest moved out Friday, and it was kind of sudden. I don't think she was planning to, but then the opportunity came up and she's gone. I thought my place would be a little more empty, but its not. Which means I have lots of crap!!!! I need to straighten up and throw out my crap!!! Well, I think I was placing my cluttered life on my kids? I think I was! Not all of it, but a really good portion of it. So reality hits me on that one!!! LOL.

I haven't heard much from my ex since Christmas either. That was when he told me he was engaged. But since this new guy has been in my life, I haven't really much thought about it until today. My girls I know are going by to visit with him. They mentioned it to me recently.

And the new guy, I am very comfortable with him. Very comfortable. Unfortunately, I jumped into the physical way before I wanted to. I did want to, just not so soon, but I was just always wanting it a lot. And that was way prior to meeting him. I was fighting off lust all the time. Not that I am into casual sex with anyone, I am not. It was pretty overwhelming for me to feel the way I was feeling. But, you know, now this conflicts with the way I think my religious beliefs say I should live. I wanted to uphold that standard but it was getting so much harder on me - or maybe I just think that it was. Or I just want what I want. And my program says I can find out what I want for my life and its okay for me to be happy. And I still am happy, but I feel very convicted still due to my religious beliefs. I've wanted this for quite some time and it was just getting worse. I mentioned to a friend about finding a lover(joking but not!) to fill that void for a while. Even though I feel its wrong too. My friend told me to pace myself...well, to me that meant wait. And that was not long ago. That went right out the window on New Year's Day when I visited the new guy. Well, it wouldn't have if I held out on the kiss. That was the start of it. It was kinda funny too though. I kept thinking to stop in my mind but was physically doing the opposite. But one thing I do remember...I was wanting to not upset him by stopping. Even though I did actually say I didn't want to go so far. It made me think about my motives, but still, I was wanting to, so its hard for me to say I was trying to please him or just doing what I wanted. But I tell you one thing, I didn't regret it for long! Maybe the next day tops! Then it was not a big deal anymore until church time! Well, middle of the week, then it started to bug me again-due to my convictions. I do welcome feedback on this issue in my life....feel free! I would love to hear from you all on this.

Today I am grateful for:
My girls, making their paths, hoping they do better than I did.
My dogs, for their happy faces and attitudes when I've been gone too long!!!! Which is a lot lately.
The new guy, some one who treats me better than any man I have come to know so far. And his direct way he communicates with me. My comfort level with him.
The New Year, with its new circumstances and more changes that aren't so hard to accept anymore!

Touching Bases

2007-01-06T20:38:00.000-06:00

Hi All!
I am touching bases with you all. I am busy with my family and my new friend. I think things should be calming down pretty soon. I'll be back to fill you in!

Miss you all!!!
~MsManna~

Playing Catch Up!

2006-12-24T21:11:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back! Thanks for the notes from you all to say "Hi! what's up?" I appreciate it! I had no idea I hadn't blogged in so long. I met a new guy and I think we've been on the phone nightly since I handed over my number. That's been a few weeks now. Things have been crazy at work too, I think worse, but I also think I am making it harder on me by thinking about it so much while I am at work, and that does make me crazy at times. I don't think they want me there anymore and they seem to be very picky about everything I do. But my job is getting done and done very well, so that is confusing to me! Why when I do so well, are they starting to nag me on everything? I have to be perfect it seems now. True, I was not the ideal employee even up to a few months ago. I have been sick more often this year than in the past TEN! But that amounts to 8 days! Too much for the company. But I am still doing what I am supposed to do and doing it way better than before!

Anyway, I think they want me gone for whatever reason. I have accepted that too. Hell, I've been wanting out anyway! I don't see much in the way of opportunity there for me at all. And no respect for my position either. Normally, they would have a lot of turnover in this position. Until a CodA took the job!!! LOL! So I need to step up my searching and move on. I didn't get the last one I was sure I was going to get. But it didn't feel like it anyway. All went well, but just didn't feel comfortable or like a good fit. I pray I find something I like doing and pays me well. This one does neither! That's my New Year's Wish, or should I say goal.

Now the new guy... He's very laid back, not a dancer(hmmm, I don't' know about this part!), doesn't really do much(not that it is a bad thing), and loves to go to the movies! He is on a budget, and made that known immediately, he has an eleven year old daughter. I thought that was funny about the budget! But hey, so am I, so am I! He's very nice to me, doesn't even hint (so far) at anything out of line or off limits, unless I started it! And now that I think about it, I did! I opened a door I didn't mean to yet, but he hasn't kept it open. I think he is actually a bit shy, and I am not. I kinda like that, its not been like that with others except the other guy who kept wanting to see me! Then he kinda came out of that shell and asked for stuff I had no intention of beginning to give! So that fizzled out after the NO. This guy seems pretty direct even though he is shy! Well, this one feels very different. I hope he is. I hope I handle him well. I don't think that sounded right! LOL! Anyway, I have a feeling I will be learning a lot in this next relationship. Well, dating relationship. I am not sure I am ready for a boyfriend yet. But this one is a nice start! Maybe I can catch up reading tonight!

Today I am grateful for my program:
I was in a very different place at this time last year. Acceptance is wonderful...
My new friends in the program are great! We share such common bonds and I miss you guys when I do not hear from you or see you. I do check in to read though!
I miss my friends I haven't seen or heard from a while, hope you are having a good Christmas season!
Today I am thankful for my recovery!

Pondering Acceptance

2006-12-04T22:51:00.000-06:00

I was just thinking about how far I've come from last year at the time of my break-up. I have quite a ways to go yet, and I am only at the beginning but, I've come a long way in a short time. I was considering the fact that with all that has happened, I am still greatful and still enjoying the journey my life is now taking.

Just last night, I attended a concert of a family member here in town. My ex was there and his girlfriend. In the previous month before the concert, he would call me and if we talked about the upcoming concert, he reminded me that his girlfriend would be attending and we could not talk to each other in her presence. His exact words were, "Act as if you do not know me". Excuse me? I took it to mean don't speak. He even told this to the kids - our kids! Of course, they did not like it at all, what, now he can't talk to his own children? Ridiculous! Anyway, he didn't get that direct until the day before the concert. So up until then I thought he was joking. Anyway, Sunday morning he calls and asks me my opinion concerning his request of us. So I told him I thought it was ridiculous. Well, a Hello is okay, but nothing more. Still ridiculous. I am always civil with her and never show her any attitude - I accept her purpose in my life and in his actually. I know I am where I should be and he is too. So being face to face with her is no longer hard for me. If it gets a little physical between them I still have trouble, but I don't tend to chat long enough for that to happen around me. And she does try to show her territory - but she doesn't know that she really doesn't need to. But that's her insecurity - and his I guess. He's told me I did not show enough jealously over him.

Anyway, I was more nervous than previous times running into them. I had a pimple! It is the chocolate season! And my body (face!) doesn't handle it well if I over indulge - and I did over the Thanksgiving weekend and it still is healing now! I wasn't dressed as nicely as they were, and before they showed up I didn't care! I was sitting with his family and they love and adore the girls and I to no end! They came in late, sat away from everyone, and not once did she seem happy. But I didn't see that, I saw how she was dressed. Dressed up and me in tennis shoes, a nice sweater, but in tennis shoes and a break out still healing on my face! All outside stuff. All vanity. The whole time, the girls and I, along with his family, were laughing, talking, yelling at the stage, cracking jokes on each other and discussing business at times, and just having a good time. A smile on my face all evening. It was odd and I hoped we wouldn't come face to face, but we did. Hellos were exchanged and he did talk with the girls. She was silent and actually so was I, just waiting for them to finish. It was odd. But at that time I could really see her face and how seemingly uncomfortable or unhappy she was. Meanwhile, his family is coming up to me and the girls, greeting us, hugging us, kissing us, talking with us, all kinds of affection and recognition being shown to us. Normal stuff. That is when I finally stopped tripping off how I looked which was not bad, just casual. He even seemed uncomfortable. I actually felt sad for her.

I was comfortable. It just fell off me instantly. I have accepted our situations, I am happy with just me and my girls, mostly happy with the me I've discovered. And, did I mention I was happy? No, all is not well in my life. I have found that I caused a lot of my own problems - imagine that! But I am still happy and grateful for my current position. And I think it shows!

Earlier at church on Sunday, I was attending the last session of a class I love. The book we went through talks about dealing with offenses and how God wants us to deal with them. Kind of "turning the other cheek" mentality. And it isn't as I may make it sound. Not letting people run over you, but learning to let things go we can't control (sound familiar?). It was an excellent book. Not taking things personally. Living in truth and speaking the truth in love when needed. It has taught me to deal more effectively with offenses against me and while going through it, I was tested on the matter a few times! With increasing intensity from test to test. Not easy and not always handling things well or correctly. But with baby steps or leaps and bounds, I did get through with a lot of hard work. I feel like I work at applying the program and this book just spoke on the very specific area of offenses. It was a great help. It took acceptance to a very specific area of my life and one which many of us tend to just give up on when it comes to dealing with others. We get offended and start to write them off as purposefully trying to hurt us. And most times it has nothing to do with us at all!

It's not about you, its about me. And I am not God.

Today, I am as happy as I allow myself to be!

Sick Daze

2006-12-01T22:58:00.001-06:00

Sick again! I got the sickness that is being passed around the family finally. I think the alcohol I had the day before Thanksgiving is what kept it away for a while. Then I saw the G-baby Tuesday and was sick the next day. He was still sick and I didn't know it. Of course I was all over him! I can't stand being sick but I like the fact that I got to stay home a couple days. But it was so uncomfortable and boring. I discovered some things about me in the process.

I still, even though I was sick, tried to figure out a way, for my daughter with grandbaby, to get him to his doctor's appointment today!!! Me sick, barely able to make it to the bathroom without stumbling, was still worried about her getting what she needed done! My two girls really don't communicate very well sometimes and I see that in myself and my family members. I finally realized what I was doing and stopped myself! Of course their father for some reason just cannot help them recently. I just don't get that. Here in the Midwest, we've been iced over and then snowed on a little bit. Our area didn't get hit too hard but we did get both still. My oldest daughter's car was not buried but it did get frozen shut. And me being sick, (not that if I was well would I have prepared for it any sooner) did not get any ice melt so our driveway was, and still is, a sheet of ice. Then snow covered that. Wednesday we got the ice, Thursday we got snow. So she was stuck and was supposed to take my youngest to the doctor appointment on today. So for whatever reason, he would not come dig her out - I chose not to argue, he has his reasons I suppose. And my oldest doesn't really act on her own half the time. So my youngest still didn't have a ride as far as it seemed.

I left it alone finally, but not until I suggested how to find herself a ride. Of course, the word spread that I was not going to give her a ride or let them use my car (which is horrible in the snow-rear wheel drive) and I was really sick, I couldn't do anything. So my ex calls, wants to know what the deal is and then I just explain. M is stuck in the driveway, I can't help, she needs help or the other needs a ride. So then he offered the youngest a ride. Do you know how relieved I was? I think you may! LOL! Still trying to work stuff out for others but sick as I don't know what! Achy all over and stomach cramping and all that going on.

I also took a personality test, it actually described me almost to the tee! Except that I am in recovery now, so some of those traits are actually already changed or changing! But mainly still described me as a Giver. So funny, I never really believed those things like that. I did take a step to meeting someone new today. I invited a new male aquaintence (who may be interested in dating me) and his daughter to the annual Christmas play at my church. He accepted with out hesitation. I don't know why I am nervous about it. I guess that is my norm. But it should be a nice evening.

Today I am thankful for:
Two days off even though they were miserable.
The rest I caught up on or needed.
My program.
Friends in the program I have been bugging due to me being bored. And they just take it.
Or they bear it! LOL
An outlet like this to rant on! To get it all out! Phew!

2006-12-01T22:58:00.000-06:00

Fessin' Up

2006-11-27T23:12:00.000-06:00

Thank you all for your words about the loss of my cousin, thank you so much.

Sunday was pretty nice. It was quiet, calm, and church was good. And it was the last day of the long weekend. Man, today wasn't bad but it didn't go well for hardly anyone at work today. I guess no one wanted to be back today. LOL. I know I didn't!

You know, Sunday my ex showed up in church at the same service the girls and I were in. He started texting me to find out if we were there. I told him we were and then he came to join us. It didn't bother me at first, but then he kept just staring at me across the kids. I told him to behave because I know the look he gave me. And I always got it in church. Well, we all went to breakfast and then we talked a little bit before he took the kids home and I went on back to church. My class starts almost an hour after the first service. We (class) eat before the class usually.

This was a nice visit considering the way I felt he was taunting me at the funeral while we were eating. Thank goodness I was able to turn away from him at that time and stop listening. He really pissed me off Saturday. Then he came to explain why he did what he did that day. He wouldn't help me for some reason and it was his girlfriend. She keeps him paranoid I guess even though he isn't doing anything wrong - as far as it goes with me anyway! But Sunday made me want his attention, not him back, just his attention again. And in that short time! I felt uneasy and he's been on my mind. Probably due to no significant other right now. But I can handle it. I know I am exactly where I should be today. And that is with no one right now. Just God, me and my girls. Okay, and my dogs. But for once it felt uneasy and it still does, guess I need to give it to God since I haven't yet! I am glad we have a good relationship between us. And it is funny to see my girls defend me when he says something stupid or out of line. They threaten to tell his girlfriend! And they knew about Saturday and mentioned that. Too funny! Well, just wanted to fess up and maybe now I can leave it alone. Its out and I can give it away. Fess up and get rid of its hold on me! Good Night!

From Hectic to Calm

2006-11-24T22:31:00.000-06:00

It's good to be back! I've just been so busy! Many things have happened. I did lose another family member, a cousin on my ex's side. She was very young, 23 or 24, and just had a baby. The baby was only two days old and my cousin passed away from an aneurysm (spelling?). She only had a younger brother and sister left, her mother passed away from terminal cancer two years ago this month, and her father had been shot when she was very young quite a few years ago. So there is very little left of their family. I hope my young cousins will be okay. I can't imagine it, I just can't! I will be going to the funeral in the morning.

More stuff with my youngest daughter, a little friction with my oldest, a little with my family, and a lotta stuff going on at my job that I can't stand much more of. And you know what? It makes me thankful for the program, that even though, I may not let things go immediately, I can still do it eventually. And sooner than I think if I do not give up and let my anger take over. I did kinda blow up at my oldest, but I do realize why. I just held it in for too long and the minute a situation presented itself, there I went. But I didn't feel bad afterwards, I felt good. I know she needed to hear some of it, not exactly the way I did it, but it still needed to be said.

But today I am still grateful. I am not perfect. I do not get it right most of the time, but I am still working and applying my program today. And I know it will take time for me to change all I need to change and I want to change. There was a time when I wouldn't change, accept that maybe I was wrong or not accepting the facts, and I wouldn't do what needed to be done. There is so much work to be done with me and this first year and a half is only the beginning. I am still pretty hard-headed at times or slow to change, but I want to make changes. I am taking my baby steps to get there. I am also very fearful, of what exactly, I don't yet understand. In time I will if I need to know I guess. It will be revealed.

Unfortunately, when I did blow up, my sister was there and she was not used to seeing this in me, I guess it freaked her out a little. I don't know what to think about that one. Anyway, all is well right now. Things seem to be trying to quiet down again. I went to my Friday meeting and it was a good one. So good to be back.

Call of Duty

2006-11-11T19:55:00.000-06:00

Today was a tough one. My favorite cousin was deployed to Afghanistan today. I went to see him off and to drive his wife and kids (whom I adore and love) back home from the ceremony. I felt so unprepared for the reaction of his wife at the end of the ceremony. She told me earlier that she had been crying all week. She was angry at him, at the Army for his needing to go. She didn't want to cry. I kept telling her it was okay. That is normal, hell I wanted to cry. It just became reality today. It didn't hit me until today. She will be here while he is gone, and they have a large family. He has seven kids. One is hers and the rest are from a previous marriage and girlfriend. She will have to deal with all that and the fact that he is gone for 18 months. Overseas, she can't drive, the kids are Teens, pre-teens and a four year old! She is preparing to drive though, practicing.

She fell into my arms and cried very hard for a few minutes. She didn't want to go over to him at the end. I gently walked her over to him so she could hug him good-bye. She was a mess and me without Kleenex! Today of all days I forget the Kleenex and my camera! I did get some cell shots of the family and him and her. It really was so moving, I had to stop listening to the speeches given. Even the high-ranking officers doing the talking were choking up! If those men had cried, I would have lost it! Its a thing I have, if a man cries I lose it!

After the bus was loaded she immediately wanted to leave. She didn't want to see the bus go. So I complied, and we left. We talked about her feelings, she vented some more, and we talked about grief. She just lost her brother on Halloween and they rushed to Louisiana to the funeral. She was never told he was sick. So she's quite angry that she didn't get a chance to say good-bye. Her brother died of a heart attack, but had been sick for a while before, but her family didn't contact her. He was only 32! She just turned 30 this year. She has one younger brother left. Her mom and dad are still alive. Well, my Grief Share classes have placed me in the position to help answer her questions. I was able to do that tonight. She seemed comforted by what knowledge I did have on the subject. I felt so helpless in the ceremony, not knowing what to say and then falling apart when she did too. I didn't fall apart as I normally do. I did hold my self together enough I think. She just cut loose. And I held her while she did so. I had no words for her, except that she'll be okay, he'd be okay. And to please call and lean on God for everything. And call me whenever she needs. To vent, if I can help her, I will, whatever. Any time she wants to call please do so. So when she asked me about grief, I felt so good to at least be able to offer her some comfort there about her feelings.

And I got to sort of 'witness' for Al-Anon too. My Aunt asked me about the Friday meetings I go to. She is an Adult child as well and then her husband was an alcoholic too. He's been sober many years now. She really noticed how I am faithful to attend the meetings and asked me if I felt they helped me. So there I went! I went on about how the meetings help me get better and help me understand why I am the way I am. And how they've helped me to change my life. I told her the topic we discussed last night(11th step) and how it has helped me get closer to God. She was pretty interested so I invited her to go with me anytime if she wanted. Just to call me. That was a fun part of the day too! I felt so good to be able to do that too.

Today:
I pray that my cousin stays safe and comes back to us safely.
I pray that God's protection surrounds them and the other troops out there daily.
I trust God will protect him while he is away from his family.
I thank God for the opportunity to share what I know from Al-Anon and Grief Share to help someone else.
I thank God for my program that keeps me grounded and in a much better place mentally than I was at this time last year.
I thank God for my growth in the program, and pray for my continued growth.
I thank God for the opportunity to blog about it all here whenever I need.

Stinkin' Thinkin'?

2006-11-08T23:36:00.000-06:00

I made it through the annual review. My bosses ideas and new schedule have actually worked. Imagine that. I am actually improving! Another good thing. I did mention this to my friend at work who I am accused of spending too much time talking to on the computer. And this was one thing I knew could not be so in the review, because her and I have stopped talking as much as we used to. We kinda had a thing, a spat, a little bit ago, and I did actually stop sharing so much with her. It seemed like I shouldn't do it anymore. I don't know if I mentioned it on here or not. But she kinda threw it back at me and that was twice and I became a little more reserved about how much I share with her now. So I know it isn't slowing me down at work. My boss sees me using that program and thinks it is always her I am talking to and its really not! I do more communicating with all the branches now. Among others in the company and not for chit chat, its for work. As a matter of fact, I am keeping track of my communication with her myself just as a self-check now.

I feel good about me but tonight I saw my ex. He came by to say hello. Showing off a new outfit. I felt sad and I guess I showed it too. I didn't really know why until he left. I feel like my finances are so tight and I haven't tried to find another job to compensate or to just change jobs to make a difference. And here he comes talking about his new outfit. He just keeps getting new things and I feel like I'm struggling just to make ends meet. If I do spend frivolously, it will hurt me. My car is going downhill. That's another reason to change jobs. The bus doesn't go where I need to go for work. Not to my current job anyway. But my boss is willing to give me a ride if I need it. Amazing. Of course, he is not the owner of his own home, doesn't have utility bills to pay, he does keep a vehicle and it is costing him quite a lot more than my own to maintain, etc, etc. I have a home, car, kids, animals, utilities, cell phones, Internet, telephone, medical insurance for me and the girls, paying student loans, paying off old debts, I have it all really. All I need(and luxuries). Just a little tight on cash and I am finally wanting to do something about it! I want to be where I was financially when he was messing up his money and it didn't matter quite as much because I made enough to handle it all and then had extra after saving. It really hurt but we could make it. I want to be able to make that kind of money again. I want it bad, I want all my debt paid off and mine isn't as great as the normal debt now a days! Mine is pretty small except for student loans really.

Well, I go to church tonight and God reinforces what I have been pondering. Can I live as He wants me to live? Of course I can with His help. In His power, but I keep thinking -- "I" can' t do it. "I" am getting tired. When is it going to be "My" turn to take it easy?! God is talking to me a lot. He is telling me how He is going to bless me. I need to keep working my program, it takes work, but it works if I work it. And I know it works! This program and my new life is an entire lifestyle change, it won't happen over night and I've been doing it wrong since high school! And now I am a grandma(young! Only 38 yrs old!!!!)! I will pray for His strength to carry me through and keep reading, writing, blogging. And work as if I am working for God and not man. And then do something about my situation, because I can, but only with His help. Making sure to consult with Him, trust Him, Give it to Him, Ask Him for it, Even beg Him for it if need be then accept His direction! And I found I am quite hard headed. I still want my way, I am able to change, but certain parts of me I have to really work at to accomplish the changes needed and finances happens to be one area I feel I need to control. There goes that "I" again!

I watched the baby tonight. My daughter stressed out I guess and my oldest had the baby while I was at church. So when I got home the little bundle of joy was at my house! I just laid on my bed with him crawling all over it and exploring. No fuss, no crying. Fed him and he passed out! He was easy tonight. Thank you God for my grandbaby! I saw him and forgot all that was troubling me tonight. He just has that effect on me.

I am grateful for:
My program.
My God who has helped me to be more welcome to change in my life, even if I am hard headed and He has to knock me around a lot to get my attention.
My G-Baby!
My dogs...Lady and Timber.
My recovery books, devotionals, friends, etc.
The fellowships encouraging words I keep getting...Thank you all so much, I need to hear those things!
My job...Really!
My future job!
That my car is still running! It is still getting me there.
My Sponsor, whom I just do not talk to enough. I call once a week. And you know, this week I haven't talked to her! Oh my!
My new found daily time with God, praying, talking, or reading His word.

Geez! Do I feel better! Good Night!

My Annual Review

2006-11-03T22:45:00.000-06:00

Boy, boy, boy! What a program does for me! Today I had an annual review. And, it was not real good. Upon my first reading, I felt like I was doing nothing right, like all my efforts where not being noticed, and it made me very angry. I knew I couldn't just blow up on my boss, I was at fault, but from the way I took it, I couldn't understand how I even had a job if this is the way my boss felt! I then had to discuss it today with my boss. She wanted to have a discussion since it was overdue anyway. I felt so not ready to do this since I felt it was so bad. I quickly realized what I was doing to myself, and had to immediately stop my mind from racing. I prayed to take it as constructive, I could see alot was me, but I wasn't willing to accept that I was as bad as it sounded. And it sounded bad. Like I'd said, I couldn't believe I even had the job. So I prayed and prayed to let it go and wait for the discussion, it couldn't be that bad! I put it aside and kept on working. That was a struggle too.

When that discussion time came, I told my boss exactly how I felt. How her review made me feel. Which is not normal for me, actually, in a previous review she said many of the same things and all I did was agree with her although I didn't feel she was totally right on all of it. I had no opinion and just agreed and signed it. It turns out she didn't mean it to sound that bad. I asked her to explain and on one point, she actually couldn't tell me. Then she started adding things in that gave me some praise. Other things started coming to mind when she did this. She was finding the good points and things I've done to help her and lift some burdens she had been carrying. So it turns out even though I was bad, and I was bad! I didn't deny it. I still agreed, but there were positive things that I felt needed to be in my review. And the scoring I didn't understand so that was explained. Which also turned out to not be so bad. And I agreed then with the scoring as an accurate picture of me. I'm so glad I didn't let the anger lead me. And not just accepting it either. I actually spoke up for me for once at work. And it helped me feel so good about me to do it. Much easier than I thought. I thanked God later, He is so good!

Only bad thing is they are going to throw more work at me because she feels I can do more, even still! They may run me out of there too! That may be a good thing though. The strongest point I had in my review was I am making it on time to work and even getting there before my boss! She absolutely loved that although it is not in my report. Hmmmm...I still need to make comments on it too, so it will be...

I am thankful for my program today. It helped me to look at what I thought was a very bad situation in a different way, I struggled but I could think more clearly by backing up and thinking along a different track. And then fully explain myself and listen to her explain herself. It helped me...It helped me...It helped me...and I am so grateful!

Old stuff/New stuff

2006-10-30T21:31:00.000-06:00

It's so funny that the day I am so early for church was daylight savings weekend! It just let me know I still have other areas to work on with me. I am also still in a pinch financially due to my unfinished business! God, please help me to move! Oh! I am getting slightly frustrated again with me! Tonight I finally admitted this to my Sponsor! Finally! She told me I needed to get a move on it! What was I waiting for? I have no idea...

This weekend my ex mentioned some old stuff to me again. He said, "I wish you would find a man so I could feel better!" And, other stuff about me hurting his feelings and being angry a lot. I couldn't believe he was talking this way about me yet again. I mean how many times do I need to apologize for what I did that I didn't realize was hurting him? I said I was sorry a couple of times already. He just won't leave it alone. How often are we going to relive all that stuff? I knew that if I kept the conversation going, it would probably turn into an argument. So I politely excused myself from the conversation and went about my day.

As far as the man comment, I figure he still feels guilty for doing what he did. I am pretty much okay with it now. No, I didn't like it and still don't, but I can look past all that now and I still know it is God's will we are not together. How can I dwell on it if I know that for a fact? I can't! It's okay with me now. He does apologize a lot! Still. And I keep saying its okay. Really. But I keep getting the same thing. Anyway, I guess that is his problem not mine. I did say his happiness should not depend on if I have a man or not. What I do shouldn't matter to how he feels. That's like, Codependency, right?

He's also said his girlfriend is so unbelievably jealous. And he's told me previously that I wasn't jealous enough in our relationship. True, I am not the jealous type. I guess you get what you ask for... I trusted my man was all, and I knew he was mine. I even knew when he was no longer mine, if I think about it. I knew something was going on, way to obvious, he wasn't like that and I could instantly tell, but not willing to accept it at that time. But at least it doesn't stick with me anymore. It took a little while before I let it go! God is good!

God also spoke to my needs this Sunday. The sermon was directed at those of us who feel like "Why is God blessing them in such a way and he doesn't do that for me?" I guess I have to get the tape because I suddenly can't remember the answer. Although there may not be one set answer, he could be seeing the attitude we have, us questioning him. He has specific plans for us that are different from those we see getting blessed. We don't know what they've been through for them to get what they've received from God. I know me, I am hard-headed, I don't want to do certain things I think God wants me to do, and I don't trust Him with everything. And finances is a hard thing to let go of for me. I do want to be in control of it all on a constant basis, but in my way. Not necessarily the "right" way. Or the way God wants me to do things! You know, that trust thing keeps getting right in my face all the time! I know I have an issue there and I am trying to work on it, just a little unsure how to change it...or am I? Hmmmm.

Today I am thankful for:
...My dogs even though they are driving me nuts!
...My G-Baby not getting Strep!
...Me not having Strep!
...The peacefulness in my house!
...Me having two couches. Its a pain, but it will get worked out! And the one we are babysitting is more comfortable than mine anyway!
...My Sponsor!
...My friends in recovery!
...Everyone who reads me, comments to me, and/or checks on me if I am M.I.A.! Thanks to you all! I wouldn't have thought of a fellowship out here but there is one out here.
...That no matter how hard-headed I get, God is still providing for me.
...God giving me chance after chance for me to trust Him to change me.

More brought to my attention

2006-10-26T15:04:00.000-05:00

Well, today I am home. I am sick. I have a sore throat that I was afraid was strep throat. I don't think so. Or at least the doctor doesn't think so. Thank God! She didn't even run the quick test for strep but gave me antibiotics for my sore throat anyway. I have a headache, stuffy nose and bad sore throat. I have been putting off the doctor visit for ever - since 2004 to be exact. I thought it was longer. But I decided to ask the doctor about other ailments or happenings I thought needed her attention. And she isn't my doctor, she's a new doctor there in the clinic. I got her postcard earlier this week. And I planned on seeing her soon, but no move to make an appointment. I never have chosen a doctor. Since I signed up for the insurance plan at work last year! My mom would always go to the doctor but not me!!! I favor my dad's opinion and don't go unless something freaks me out or takes me down! So there I went today. My boss was in to work with Strep and then two days later I wake up with a sore throat! I used to get these bad sore throats every year and then have lost my voice for a week or so and all was well. Its been a few years now that this has happened again. Only I still have my voice. Anyway, I kept telling God I'd go to the doctor when I got a chance. I guess He said "you will go now." LOL So hear I am blogging about it and feeling bad but glad it is not Strep! I was just kissing that beautiful baby boy (my G Baby) just last night when I saw him! Okay, well I am pretty tired, so I am heading back to bed. Hopefully to feel better!

Today I am thankful...
...That I get to rest.
...That I didn't have Strep!
...That I get to sleep as long as I want.
...That I can read my recovery devotionals, talk with God, read my literature on a quiet, rainy day, and in a quiet, empty house. So relaxing! Now all I need is soup! Maybe I can get a baby to bring that to me! And I can be grateful again!

Its good to be back!

2006-10-25T23:38:00.000-05:00

Well, suddenly my DSL started working again. Yeah! You cannot, I repeat, cannot, take a geeks Internet access away! It will KILL them! Anyway, back up and running for now.

The past weekend was pretty nice too. We did our annual meeting room cleaning Saturday and though we didn't really get to talk much, I enjoyed just being around all those who came to help out. It was a nice two and a half hours.

Nothing dramatic all week, praise be to God! I am still being disciplined though. I have been given a break from my job, I thought for a while. But no. Our receptionist was in the hospital and will be on bed rest for two more weeks. So I was getting comfortable in her job since I am the back up. This also meant I needed to be there early to bring the switchboard up on time and answer phones at 8 am! And I am not the most punctual person. I never have been! This was forcing me to get there early, thus finally on time!
Well, last week they brought in a temp. So I'm thinking, well daing what did I do wrong? Oh nothing! I was needed in my previous position cause my boss was getting a bit stressed and we need all our people for our department to run smoothly. Anyway, I still had to be there on time to let her in, bring up the board, so I still need to be there early! And train her! Now she finally has her own login but no security card to get in on her own. So I still need to be there early and she likes to be there 20 minutes early! This is tough for me folks! Very tough. You see how late I am posting! I am making it 15 minutes early now but it is tough. Sometimes I still make it only ten minutes early. But early! I think God knows what he is doing! Could he possibly being creating a new habit through my situation? I think so. It is still tough but that is because my nights haven't changed and they must! I feel better when I sleep longer. So goodnight! And this is actually early for me! Miss Midnight!

Its so good to be back!

A Nice Weekend

2006-10-15T21:37:00.000-05:00

I am still struggling with what happened with my daughter last Sunday. I shared Friday that I feel 'right' about my actions but I know they were not. I feel I should be able to handle it and like I am being hard on me, but they are my girls. Yes, grown girls, but my kids. Anyway, maybe that stuff about how I set the example being thrown at me kinda sunk in a little bit. Anyway, I am slowly letting that go and trying to stop dwelling on it. I feel responsible but I know they know what is good for them and what is not. I should leave it at that. It is still not mine.

Saturday, I kinda got volunteered to watch the grandbaby without my advance knowledge. I did make a small stink to my ex, who was the one who volunteered me because he wanted to take the kids out to dinner and a movie. That was fine with me except that I got drafted as the baby sitter. I don't know if that sounds bad but my daughter knows she isn't to do that. She understands how I feel about just dropping him on me. I love him very much, but don't impose. I didn't fuss with her, I had to talk with my ex. I guess my daughter felt guilty and kept calling to see if I was okay and let me know they would be later than expected. I really was fine, I hadn't seen the baby since last Sunday and I was nickin' for a baby fix! He was a little fussy so I decided to dress him up and go with my sister to a friends birthday party I had previously declined. Ok, my sis really didn't want to go by herself and so went the baby woke up, we took off to meet her. She lured me out with lots of food! I was hungry! And I hadn't seen her friend in a while and time to show off the grandbaby! LOL! I had fun. He was fussy, he doesn't go out much and so he cried a bit. Took a little time to adjust and then he was happy being passed around and seeing the other kids. He's such a sweetie even when he's fussy!

Later that night, both my sisters and I went on a graveyard tour of the Elmwood Cemetary here in KCMO. It is the 2nd oldest cemetary in the city and supposedly the most haunted. The tour started at midnight and ended about 2 am! We didn't see any ghosts but it was pretty interesting. I didn't feel scared either, I thought I would. But I was fine. I am very easily spooked! Its just crazy, I am. The kids don't like to sit by me in scary movies because I jump and scream and what ever else I do! They know they secretly love it! LOL!

Today I watched that horrible Chiefs game! We lost big time! I fell asleep before the end of the game, it was bad.

Pastor preached today on Trusting God with everything. Even the small things, I know I need to work on that. I need to work on listening too. He was leading me to stay out of that last Sunday and I didn't listen. I guess that's why I got the call right in the heat of it. To keep me from jumping back in the middle of it! I felt caught in the act. And it stopped me in my tracks. It worked. But I was not happy about it. And I never said thanks, which I feel I need to do. It did get me out of the situation in a hurry. I appreciated it although I could not show that or say it at the time the call ended. But I did even though I still struggle with my feelings concerning the whole thing. I'll get it right. No matter how long it takes, I'll get it right.

I also started going to a new class this morning at church, one dealing with offenses. I don't totally understand it, but I did like the testimonies and what we talked about today. We had lyrics to a song by Lee Ann Womack, "I Hope You Dance". It was not what I thought it was about. I just never understood all the words. Of course it started the waterworks going with me! So glad I picked up a napkin with my sandwich they were serving. It was great. The last class I attended was great for me, I feel this one may be the same as well. The talk was about how God created us with needs and those needs point us back to him. I need to get the book so I can really follow along.

Pastor also mentioned something to singles today. We are complete in Christ. He mentioned that our mates need to share our faith. I believe this, and think it is a guideline I should follow, but then I thought about the man I am seeing. I haven't asked this question and I am pretty sure I know the answer. He's a sports buff so he doesn't go to church, because he is at the games on Sunday. I don't know what his beliefs are or if he has any opinion on God. Guess I need to have that discussion. Kinda worries me. I usually make it a point to ask very early in a dating relationship what their beliefs are and here I didn't. That kinda sucks if it turns out I feel lead to leave him alone and end that relationship. Especially since he is kinda growing on me now! I didn't see it going anywhere before but I like the very slow pace it is going. He is a good man as far as I can tell. He works a lot though. Anyway, it would really suck to feel I needed to end it! I guess I really need to pray on this...

Internet down! Wah!

2006-10-13T15:16:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to get a new post on here for a few days now. My DSL line is down for some reason, could be my modem jacking up! Who knows! Hopefully it will be resolved soon and I can resume my Internet access more easily from home. Just an FYI for my absence!

Wednesday made 1 year that my mom passed. My sister called to remind me of that and now I am weepy! For the last three days! But guess I'll be okay. Today has been tough. Weepy all day long...

A Hectic Sunday afternoon

2006-10-09T22:40:00.000-05:00

Sunday started out unpleasant. My car gave me crap and wouldn't start. I hadn't been to church in a while and was dying to go! By the time it started finally, church was over! And mind you, I haven' tbeen to church in about a month now! So I was not in the best of moods. And, I hadn't read my readings for the day yet!!! My oldest and her BF were arguing and we were all going to my sister's house and I didn't want him to go if he was going to be constantly arguing with my daughter. So I said something and not in the nicest of ways. But definitely not in the worst way either. Of course, he tried to make it look like I was picking on him and then he did disrespect me - not surprising, really. Then I got upset and kept saying stuff to him. It did only make things worse. I was finally pulled away by my youngest who said to just leave them there. So finally, I did.

I was about to head back over there again to voice more of my opinion to him when a friend in recovery called. Upon seeing who was calling me, I was stopped in my tracks, I almost didn't answer the call. Then I did. The call kept me from getting back into it. I felt like I had been caught, or rather, stopped from continuing on back into what was not mine to handle. It was hers and I wanted to protect her. It was a relief really, but I did feel caught. I know they could probably hear the struggle I was having with myself, I also almost excused myself from the call and was going to say I would call back later. I was fighting back tears. I was trying to hide all the emotions I was feeling from my friend, I don't know if they could tell, I could hear it all in my voice and I was so mad I was shaking.

As I continued with the call, he asked if I was taking sides and I did have to say I did. That is my child, I felt compelled to take her side. But I was honest in my answer. He talked to me almost until I made it to my sisters house, out of the situation, finally calmed down, and still trying to not think about the situation I'd just left my daughter in. A more pissed off BF than when I pulled up. But he doesn't put his hands on her, but it is all verbal abuse. He's never happy but it still wasn't mine to handle. She's grown, she can handle it, she's getting tired of it I can tell. Maybe that is why it is getting worse. But I still need to give it to God, He will protect her and can handle it better than me.

I had to fight it today too. Each time I thought about it, I got angry all over again. I had to keep giving it back to God again throughout the day. God is good. I am glad to have a program and can't believe how it worked out to get me out of what wasn't mine to begin with. This journey is amazing. Especially one day at a time.

Tonight I had a long talk with my sponsor. We were deciding on how to handle my fourth step workbook. And it is set for us to start going over it. This is my first fourth step. I guess I have one more section to go over and it will be complete. This is going to be interesting.

Happy for the Chiefs winning again! I hope this keeps up!

Spirit of the meeting

2006-10-07T19:43:00.000-05:00

Last nights meeting was so unbelievable to me. Someone came in and shared how something was hurting her deeply. She felt judged by others and mainly her family. She was very hurt by it, and it had been going on quite some time. Others around the table responded and one woman told her directly "They are mad at you because they wish they were you. You know who you are and aren't afraid to be that. They are the ones with the issue, not you." She also told her how beautiful she was and the way she said it was so amazing. That lady almost had me crying! It was great! God was really moving in there last night. People had so much ESH for each other there and it was all so helpful to hear and wonderful to see that kind of spirit in the group. I don't think I've seen it flow that well before! Not quite like that. It was great!

Amazed at God's ability

2006-10-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

As a result of the loss of twin grandbabies, I attend Grief Share classes at my church on Tuesday nights. My daughter does too and my sister. Well, last night we talked about holding on to anger, bitterness, resentments, and forgiveness - all leading to depression. I was trying to identify with what the people on the video were saying. They each said for a time they were angry at God. They were angry at the loved one who died, and held on to their anger. Some took it out on others and some went into depression. I didn't feel those things when my Mom, Grandmother and now the grandbabies passed. As I listened to each one in the group share, I still didn't feel the same degree of anger these people expressed. I did share a few of the prayers they shared. And one was to not harbor any bitterness toward my ex. I kept praying that often in the months following the break up. God answered my prayers.

When my grandmother passed, it was immediately the next day that my Mom went into the hospital. I immediately requested of God, "Please not both of them in the same week!" He waited a couple more weeks before Mama passed. But not once did I get angry with God. I knew she would feel better. She wasn't happy with her condition it made her so uncomfortable to go thru Dialysis three days a week. I'm not saying "How could they be angry", I was trying to identify with them and was wondering why I hadn't felt the same.

When it came time for me to share, I had identified with the lady sitting next to me. Concerning her ex. That relationship ending taught me to rely on God for my support. I hadn't been doing that while in that relationship. Then I'd been lead to attend Al-Anon! And CodA! Which then taught me to "Let Go and Let God". And forgiveness had always come easy for me, always. I can forgive and in almost all cases, forget it. But the tools I used to help me deal and heal with my new life, had helped me handle my losses which still seem non-stop since just before the break up. I didn't feel so bad due to my relationship with Christ, trusting Him to care for me, change what I couldn't change, and Letting go! And sharing with others in group, talking to others in the group, etc, etc. So my tools are reaching into my entire life. And it is so amazing to see God working thru this program in my life. It is truly amazing.

The thing the video kept stressing was anger, when held on to, creates resentments and bitterness. And if not released or dealt with, could lead to depression. And without forgiveness to those who had passed away, for whatever reason one is upset with them about, you hinder your own growth. And hinder your own healing process. Its just all around bad for you. Basically, forgiveness is necessary for our healing and growth. My sister saw herself in the testimonies of those on the video tape. She realized for the first time where and why she is depressed. And stated she knows what to do about it. She needs to work on it!

God is so amazing! So Amazing! I am so glad today to have a God that can change you in an instant. He can reach you where ever you may be at any point in time! God is so good!

Help from my friends...

2006-09-30T11:51:00.000-05:00

Last night at my Al-Anon meeting, we talked about the 10th step. I haven't worked that far but it did make me think, I am beginning to actually wonder why I am doing the things I do. Why I seem to respond so slowly to the pressing issues in my life? I normally am very willing to improve myself. In the programs (CodA and Al-Anon), I am the focus but, I am now quite a bit slower to change. But still very willing, the desire to change is there all the time. I am finally recognizing the fact that there needs to be a change for me to get better!

Just yesterday, I was talking with a friend in recovery, and we were discussing me wanting to have more money and a better job. He had all kinds of suggestions, and I had an excuse for why each one wouldn't work for me! Then I started to hear myself, I felt like I was playing the victim role as far as my career and finances. And the reading from The Language of Letting Go, had already spoken to me about finances and it was really speaking to me. I don't know why I keep holding myself back but I think I feel I don't deserve it yet. But while talking to him I realized what I was doing. And I was going to ask him what he thought of my excuses, or what he thought he was really hearing me say, but I hesitated and I didn't ask him. Probably because I already know. Or am finally accepting and coming to realize what I am actually doing. My ex used to say I was making excuses and his sister always said I wasn't confident enough with myself to do anything. I needed to change that. I never liked what they said, but now I am thinking that maybe the problem. I also want to change my career too and to me that means less money to begin with. Starting again at the bottom and working my way up. Which, if I think about it, is actually exactly where I am now. At the bottom waiting to work my way up. Which, in my current company, will be very hard to do. So a lateral move wouldn't hurt me really. What have I to lose? Sounds like not much. I am always taking chances elsewhere, why not here? I do not have an answer...But I know nearly every time I talk to this friend I learn something about me that I usually am not willing to accept yet. Or I am fighting to accept within myself. This is something I didn't realize and now I will need to fight to accept about me. I want better but I am afraid to make a move. I am remaining in yet another situation that is not helpful to me. I am a very loyal employee, friend, etc. Except, at many times, maybe not to myself and what I need! I feel I deserve better but won't try to make it happen.

Later last night, I hung out with another friend in recovery. I remember noticing before that she didn't smile so much and when we went out I thought she didn't really want to go due to the fact that she didn't look so happy. I did ask her about it then and she explained lots of people express the same thing. Then I saw in her what I used to be like before I started to do little things for me to change my appearance. To look better, hence, feel better about me. Its funny how much in common I find I have with the other members of the group sometimes. But it makes me feel more willing to be honest, open and understanding with them - and even some others outside the groups. Anyway, I noticed she has a very pretty smile. I should have told her. I did comment on her picture she showed me. We stayed there talking until about 12:30 am, then I went home. I had a good time. We shared a lot with one another. I love learning about folks and hearing what makes them happy, sad, excited, whatever and I do always learn something new, no matter how small it may be. I learn something.

Today I am thankful to have a growing list of friends in the fellowship who support me, love me, let me gripe, let me weep, let me be me and be comfortable with me at all times.
I thank God and the program because I am really starting to think about why I am the way I am, and what may need to change to make me better. To improve my life.
I thank God for my car, that is still running, I keep trying to treat her well, as best I can. And with all its problems, it still gets me there. I pray that it lasts until I get another one.
I am thankful for those of you who read my blog and appreciate the comments you leave. Thank you so much for sharing your insights with me.

OH my gosh!!! And I am thankful for the fact that I had two invites to the CHIEFS game tomorrow!!!!! YYYYYyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! FOOTBALL!!!!! I will be going with my brother-in-law to the game!!!!! I gotta pick out my gear for tomorrow!

A Good Word

2006-09-28T22:34:00.000-05:00

This little boy is so beautiful. I decided to add this picture at the last minute. My HNT pic for the week. When I look at him I feel so euphoric. I feel so good when I see him or hear his laugh, his voice. My cell phone pics are with me at all times, when I feel down I can look at this and I instantly feel different! This feeling is so much better than those I express below. God is so good. God is always good no matter what.

I did get a good word from my sponsor. She believes I did what any parent would do in that situation. I did what I could do. Yes, I maybe pressed it being tough, and my ex pressed it trying to force our daughter to take action she obviously isn't willing to take. But the only one out of control was the BF. I feel the anger coming again. It is very surprising how much disrespect this boy has for the entire family. I guess I can't take that route, even here. It doesn't feel good at all. I don't like it. I can just give it up to God again.

I feel like God is giving me so much to work on at once. I know I need to work on everything He's sending and I keep trying to avoid so much of what I'm being directed to work on. I guess that's why it seems to get overwhelming to me - I keep avoiding issues I just don't want to deal with. Not good. I will set my priorities and get to work. And ask for His help to get all my issues dealt with, keep me on track, and direct me which to deal with as I go along. Please pray for me to continue to handle my issues that I need to deal with. I start and stop when discouraged. And many times I am discouraged easily. I think my problem is accepting that I need help in these other areas and I won't look for it. I don't know why I am paralyzed. Things will only get worse if I just sit here. And things seem to be piling up again.

Today I am exactly where my God has placed me. He will guide me and keep me lifted up through all I am dealing with. I will be happy with my life regardless of my setbacks and stressfull events going on in my life. I will trust that God has allowed all this to teach me a thing or two, or three, or four....You get me? :) And I'm so glad I have a God I can depend on. Lean on, talk to, pour my heart out to, It makes such a big difference in my life. I can keep going knowing He is there.

Drama filled weekend

2006-09-25T23:30:00.000-05:00

This weekend was very hard Saturday evening. I had to see my daughters BF just get entirely belligerent with her trying to take the baby. There was a struggle in my house with the baby (though he was fine) due to the BF wanting to take him away with him, and to where? Who knows, he has no home, no car, and supposedly had no money. So there was no way he was going to leave with the baby. I had to stand by my door because he wasn't about to just run off with him. He refused to leave without the baby, so I called the cops. Then he had to leave they informed him. He has no paperwork to just take the baby away from his mother. So he left but only off the property. He stayed pacing up and down the block waiting for my daughter to leave with her friends. Of course they never did, it took police so long to get there and tell him to leave that they just called it a night and went home.

I don't handle this situation well. I get very upset because he keeps my daughter scared and I am not afraid of him. And if I show this to him, he backs off slightly and isn't so quick to talk big anymore. He did kind of buck up to their dad when he arrived at around 12:30 at night! I couldn't believe he did it since he doesn't appear to do this to me at all - unless he has the baby in his hands. And seeing this makes me more confident that I get very stand off-ish with him. And I know this isn't right, but he does back off enough to where I will back off thinking he's coming to his senses, but as soon as I leave him and her alone again, the ignorance is back on. He stayed around the neighborhood till at least 2 am. By that time, we didn't see him anymore but figured he was still around. No one in his family or friends would come get him. I kept the baby, my daughter went home with my sister, and everyone else left.

I also had like a flashback or something. I couldn't rest all night. I slept with the baby but didn't really sleep or even relax. Every noise I heard kept me awake. I felt like some one was going to break in and I didn't think it was true of the BF to do something like that for any reason. So why did I feel like that? I guess I was thinking of the times I actually was worried my ex was going to break in and take something, those were the times I couldn't sleep. And the times I wouldn't leave the house cause I knew he was waiting around the corner for me to leave so he could come in and get something. And I was not about to let that happen yet again. But it was scary and paralyzing during those times. I hated it but felt it was necessary. At first I thought it was my daughter, I thought she went home but she hadn't, she went home with my sister. So she was safe. The baby was safe. I was too but didn't sleep or relax. Anyway, that episode is over now. He hasn't returned except for his things from her place, and left without any trouble. I don't get it. No trouble today, only the night she wanted to go out.

Her father didn't handle it as well as he normally does this time either. We thought he was going to fight him when he got here! But he did make him go further down the block and kept him away from the house. The cops were called three more times and they still wouldn't take him away. Even though they could see what he was doing was stalking. They told us since he hadn't harmed anyone, they wouldn't take him away or make him leave. It was ridiculous. She must be hurt before anything can be done. That makes no sense to me. And if she doesn't file, and I think she will not yet, he will just do it again. Her father and I discussed it a bit after everything calmed down and he was trying to force her to do something. Of course she couldn't. I don't think she would anyway, not yet. He came to the conclusion he was powerless. I did try to tell him to let her decide, he wasn't having it, not listening to me at all. I just hope the BF doesn't hurt her before she finally decides to stop accepting this crazy behavior from him.

I'm happy to have a God I can call on for the protection I can't provide my daughter. I can ask him to keep her safe.
I'm glad I have a program, even though I didn't think once about the principles in the heat of the moment this weekend. All weekend.

Maybe I need to say to God I am powerless, please help me to let this go and let her handle it. Still confused about how far I should be in it in my own home. Guess it is a good time to call my sponsor. I also found that hard. I guess cause I feel I failed to work it while all this was going on. But that will be on my agenda in the morning. I will call her to discuss this weekends drama. Then maybe an update on me after that!

I finally made it back!

2006-09-23T00:32:00.000-05:00

I made it back to my Al-Anon meeting this week! I haven't been since my daughter went into early labor(back on Labor Day weekend). There's been something going on every week since then. Or maybe I am just trying to keep me busy and not dwell on what happened. It felt so good on the way there, and a little weird on the way into the room. But it was an excellent meeting on making amends. And what a relief to finally be there! It really feels like family. A perfect end to my frustrating week. And one that calmed me down and made me ready for the weekend!

A really tough day!

2006-09-20T22:35:00.000-05:00

Man, I seriously need a meeting. I have no car, it is in the shop right now, and I need a meeting. I may need to just jump on the bus and pray someone will take me home. I have been so angry today. My friend at work misunderstood something I said or tried to communicate to me and she seemed to be all upset at me and for what? I have no idea! Then when I asked her about it, she just didn't seem to be able to tell me what. So I left it alone. I think she must be stressed over something. All morning back and forth with her. I wasn't even arguing, but she seemed to think I was. I was seriously misunderstood. I felt like she was trying to make sure she had the last word, or win a fight we weren't really having? I don't know. Anyway, I did finally talk to her face to face and she didn't seem so stand-offish anymore, she thinks she's misunderstood too for some reason. She thinks we are being driven apart too. Why? I don't know, that's the first mention of it to me. We do spend less time together but I don't feel the same, we talk the same. We act the same. Just less time together. That's it.

Then I come home to my daughter and the grandbaby. That's great! I am very happy to see them. It's been a while. But my oldest is having trouble with her man. He wants her to spend time with him and he just makes her cry all the time. Of course, he has no car, no money. Oh now he does since she seems to be tiring of his whining ass. But he still has total control of her. And she's stressing, not taking care of herself and trying to do as he says all the time. When she should be resting. Then she's also running her friends around too and she's stressed about that! They give her money, which she has none of, and so there she goes running all day, instead of resting. Then she disrespects me due to herself stressing. So I got on her too. It wasn't totally good. But I was truthful and it wasn't nice. I try to be but it just doesn't seem to be heard if its nice. It seems anyway. So I had my say and I just want to be alone now. I want to call someone so bad, but what do I say? I feel like I am just whining myself. I know I should stay out of it, but she's going run herself down if she isn't told anything. I do feel I have a duty to help her, but only by suggesting what she should be doing. Not telling her. She ended up staying home and sleeping. I took my other daughter and the grandbaby home. Now I am here. Venting yet again.

I do feel like I need to whine, cry, vent, yell, I wish I could scream. It is not pleasant tonight. I talk to God, but I am not completely comforted. I wish I could reach some one by phone. I finally can relax and let the tears run now. They feel so good. I was weepy yesterday too. I was working on some grief stuff for my Grief Share class and the tears just kept coming. I guess I just need to release it and let God have it. And maybe cry. I wish things were different, I feel so powerless just watching what is going on. I have no problem with not touching anything that isn't mine to touch, but I wish I wasn't at home to see it either. It hurts to hear it. It hurts to hold back and just let things happen. I hope they get it faster than I did. I feel they are, but I wish it was faster. And let me not even begin with my example for them. I took way too long to get out. Okay I think I am heading in the wrong direction with that last comment, so let me stop and gather myself again and I'll just say good night.

I am still grateful I have a program as hard as it may be to apply it at times, I am willing to keep trying. And I am still thanking God for my new chance at a new, more fulfilling life.

Good Night...

Venting again!

2006-09-18T21:30:00.000-05:00

A friend whom I confide in said something which made me feel bad. Maybe I am complaining too much, I am looking at me to see if I am. But I also think she was being mean. I am glad to have a program which helps me deal with this. I can not let it stick and give her the space she needs. I can also choose not to share with her anymore information that she could use against me. Which I did once again and she did the same thing. She will not do it again. I do complain a lot about my job, maybe I can just do something about it. I was just jacking around like I always do. And I kept jacking around and it seems she didn't care for it or she thought I was serious. But I wouldn't use information like that against her if she shared it with me. Actually, she was doing the very same thing when I first met her, complaining about everyone she works with! Many times she still does! Anyway, I actually try to encourage her but I get her maybe I should call it a justification of why she is entitled to feel the way she does. My word doesn't get thru, so I just end up listening.

And I need to remember she has no program. I need to remember her views concerning the program. Which she changes quite often. Anyway, so much for that. I feel better now. I am so glad I can vent here. Even those who have a program do this so it isn't just her. And I can still have serenity in the midst of crap happening to me. I can give it to God and leave it with Him!

Today I am thankful I can talk to God about it and leave it alone if it bothers me. I can let it go and not take it personally or let it define me. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in my life!

Downer Evening

2006-09-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

I don't know what the deal is tonight. Besides the fact that my football team lost and they were ahead! I've still not done what I need to do around here. I feel like it is too overwhelming. There is so much to do here and I have no motivation to do it. I want to talk to someone and can't seem to pick up the phone. I haven't really felt like this so heavily before. Maybe its just a phase. I'm sure it'll pass. I feel just sleepy and not wanting to do anything! I am listening to music and I want to just lay down. I can't stand these downer days, or hours. It wasn't all day long. Maybe I will hit the sheets early to night and be refreshed tomorrow. I may need to just get on my knees and cry out to God. Gospel music seems to be the ticket tonight. I feel like He wants me to spend time there with Him. I think that is what I will do! Good night!