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Msmanna

 

 

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Anna
Anna Mendoza

Msmanna      https://u.to/aXP6Fw      Anna

It's Been A While...And Here Are My Current Thoughts And Struggles

Well, I've been at home sick for four years now. I have Stage IV Breast Cancer and Diabetes. I still get tired quick even though I am much, much better now. The doctor is seeing me less and less because things are going so well. I don't have a car anymore, and I am pretty slow now (according to my girls, I always was!), so not sure the bus is the best option for me, but it's so crazy out there now. I feel like I can't defend myself properly if needed. And I never really was much of a fighter, but now I definitely feel more vulnerable now than I did when I wasn't sick. I don't know, I may just get real serious again about exercising and getting stronger, maybe that will help all the other stuff I feel vulnerable about.

So, here it is... I need to get serious about getting myself back in good shape and then maybe I can get back to a real job. Hopefully, I will be able to afford insurance or even be able to get some when I am able to work again. Seeing how things are going, the pre-existing conditions may cut me off if 45 gets his way and they make so many roll backs and changes to the Affordable Care Act that it will make it out of reach for those of us who actually need it! I surely hope not! Or maybe I will win the lottery! Yeah, right... I don't even find the time to get one ticket...EVER. Or even better, maybe I can find some way to make some real money at home. Though you must be disciplined to do that I am sure. If it is something I love, I am sure that won't be a problem. But what? I am already looking into some things I've seen. Or I should say, my sister is looking and signing up for stuff, and then I get to see that and maybe help her with it. But she shares the information of the things she thinks will help her get a side income and so I get to see that without the added expense most of those things seem to require before you can learn more about them. I am very lucky to have that opportunity, but geez, I don't take much advantage of it. Maybe because its what she is interested in or I am just hoping for the wrong things? Not sure about why I don't. It's confusing to me. In this situation, I thought I would jump on it. But I do not.

So, I guess being diabetic also I should also get more serious about how I eat. My nurse keeps saying eating green is best. She is seriously very picky and weary about what she eats (but still just bought McDonald's too so...surprised I am!). I have also been told by another nurse that I actually eat much better than most others that she has worked for (or with) before. So that is good news. I do get on my sprees where I eat what I want or lots of the bad stuff. Not that it is an excuse, but I ate very well before I got Breast Cancer. I mean I really did eat better after my diagnosis of Diabetes. It scared me so I ate very differently and found that my lactose intolerance dropped away when I ate the new way. And keeping my blood sugars under control on the same dose of Metformin until maybe late 2016, I was doing very well. But I fell off the wagon and just ate as I pleased. Hopefully, my breast cancer did not hinder my ability to control my blood sugars, because I am still struggling with it now. It is better, but not where it should be still, and jumps up here and there. Now I get crazy bored eating more green and tired when I stand to prepare it so there is my struggle or my Achilles heel in this whole thing. So I tend to do well for a while, then slowly drop off. But I bounce back and forth quite a bit recently. Though I think I am on more than off since I realized it was so off track.

I want to make eating green easy and more enticing yet, affordable because I am on a limited income now. And get back to some real exercising. I hate being so tired so quickly and that will also help my blood sugars too. When I was walking daily it really helped and I was losing weight again. But now it's cold and I can't go walking. I guess I could walk the stairs in my house, lol. Boring! Or I should pull out those old VHS tapes and get to trying to do those. But, gotta ask the doctor first! I normally wouldn't but fragile bones means I really shouldn't skip that part. So I will do that on my next visit this week at my chemo treatment. And walk in the meantime around my house and do some Physical Therapy exercises I have for now.

I guess this was a dump all my current thoughts post. Confession time of the things I need to change. I welcome your comments, but I have had some spammers recently and so I needed to turn on moderation of the comments so they won't show up until I look at them now. But I will get an email when one in submitted. I hope to get back in the habit of checking those emails and posting more often too.

Oh and...

HOW ABOUT THEM CHIEEEEEFFFSSS!!!! YEAH! TAKE THAT BRONCOS!!! 

Planet Comicon Weekend May 20-22

Wow! What can I say about Planet Comicon? I LOVED IT! SO MUCH! It was my first year volunteering and I would do it all over again! Maybe all three days next time. It was great! I have been so tired ever since! But I've been pretty busy on the weekends since that weekend too. So, it could be that as well. I am not in shape, I need to exercise here at home too. That may increase my stamina too on a daily basis. So I have a few pictures I wanted to share while I write. Here is the first one. 

THE QUIET BEFORE THE STORM! SATURDAY MORNING BEFORE THE CON OPENS

So I had to use my walker since I was going to be walking so much and all day long. I had forgotten it on Orientation night. What a mistake! I was so pooped that night and it was so hard to keep up with the group. Well, but in the end they slowed down for me to keep up with them. There are so many volunteers that are needed for one of these events its just crazy how many of us were in the orientation room that night. It was standing room only by the time it started. So the instruction, don't be a fan girl/boy when you see the celebrities, they need down time too. Darn! I hope I don't run into anyone I know! I don't know if I can contain it, really, I do not know! But it didn't happen, sadly I was so far away from the celebrities most of the time that I couldn't get all fan-girly anyway. I do regret not walking up and talking to Edward James Olmos(Battlestar Galactica, Agnets of Shield, Selena, Mi Familia), there were two times where no one was stopping anyone from coming in and talking to him and I got scared I might get in trouble both times! Ugh!!! I should have just done it! Who knows if he will be back the next time or not, and that will be a whole year away now. Booo! Regrets! 

 There was so much to see there and working it gave me whole different perspective on the event. I had fun, met a bunch of people who share the same fandom as I do. Though I did feel a bit behind on all the details and new stuff like, Dr. Who, I still felt at ease or understood there! But it was funny, people were still pretty quiet when they sat in the break room and I felt the need to start up conversations with those I did not know. I wore the perfect shoes and they had T-Shirts made up for us. I should have taken a picture of me in it! I did with my grandson but you can't see the shirt at all. I may take that later and add it as my profile picture here. I had a ride from someone who volunteered at the con and she was great, she knew her stuff, all the details most know, I can't remember anything and I never really have been able to do that anyway. Maybe I am not spending as much time as these folks do watching, reading and studying the movies, books, etc. Who knows but I don't recall details like that except for maybe some Star Wars lines, because that is the series I am totally into. I like Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Avengers, and on and on. I love Science Fiction movies and books, I like so much I get them all mixed up. But I guess Star Wars and the Avengers would be the ones I really love and add to that the Alien and Predator movies too. Love them Aliens and Predators to death!

MY GRANDSON AND I HAD TO FIND THESE GUYS EVERY DAY IF WE COULD - FOUND THEM TWO DAYS IN A ROW!

  Being in this bunch of people got me to thinking...why don't I have all the things and figures and collectors items and all that stuff they so adore and try so hard to get? I could only guess that I was going to college a long time, raising kids, dealing with a crazy man, and I was lucky to have just seen the movies I guess, but my family was very big on going to the movies. Ever since I was little, it was something we did all the time. We saw lots of movies, I think my dad really loved them, all kinds of them too. Anyway, we loved movies so I saw a ton of them. And I think with school and kids and work and they crazy baby daddy, I didn't have the money to get all those things. But my parents did get us all the Star Wars toys when we were young, so I had plenty! Now I am on disability and therefore I really don't have the money to do all that now. I would love to though. I wish I could but maybe I will strike it rich one day and be able to do that. But that is exactly why I volunteered, so I wouldn't have to pay to get in and do something to help in an event that I love! And it did not disappoint! I had a ball and I will be doing it again in the future. 

MORTAL KOMBAT CHARACTERS

STAR WARS PICK UP TRUCK

My grandson made his own Predator costume when we heard how much the real one costs! I think he did well with cardboard and notebook paper so quickly! But he took it off at the con, I suspect since his didn't look like everyone else's costumes. :( I thought it was good considering he stayed up all night making it. It was good for what he had, which wasn't much to work with! He did get in trouble for marking up his blue t-shirt though...Lol. He did purchase a new Predator figure the first day of the con and loves it. And we got to taking pictures of it at the restaurant after the event that day. This final picture is the Ancient Predator action figure. 

          

Returning to write again...

Wow! It's been forever since I've blogged here. I think I left you last when my father passed away. I have been through a lot again and am now fighting like a girl. To catch you up since my last post in 2012, the very next year I was diagnosed with stage 4 Breast Cancer. And the doctor actually did not think I would make it much longer. I was having a lot of pain and they did not expect me to make it. But! Alas! Here I am now two and a half years later. And I know that isn't long but I've come from "We can keep you comfortable and let it run its course", to "I still can't believe how well you are doing!" So it seems like a long time. And being housebound now, it also feels like an extremely long time!

So, sadly, I am not able to make it to the meetings anymore since I don't drive and I sold my car because it was just sitting there going no where! Because I have discovered, I actually can drive without any problems but I didn't think I would because of bad cramping in my right hip. So, oh well, now I am dependent on others to get me here and there. Which is actually nice most of the time but when I really want to just get up and go, I can't. So everything is usually planned now.

I talk to some of the people in my groups here and there but not too much anymore. I miss them. But, I've had tons of support and I do frequent an online Cancer Support Group now. So still into groups but with a way different topic. I have a whole new set of support and much more experienced at this struggle than I am! I think I am the youngest one in the group too. That's kinda sad. But I could my blessings and I am so glad I am still around. I have grand babies to see and watch grow up and I have a higher power who watches over me! I know without Him, and all the prayers from those I requested from, I may not even be here. And  for that, I am very thankful!

Now I do depend on others a lot for a lot of things. I have a daily (during the week) nurse who comes to cook and clean and help me with whatever I need so I am not always alone - even though many times I would like to be though. I am just like that now it seems. My boyfriend has been very supportive beyond what I expected but hey, from what I had before him...I was expecting very little. But he has had this in his family before and maybe he knew what might be to come. And he did it without complaint at all! I am so grateful for him and that part of him. Much of the burden has been on him from the beginning, he was with me most all the time so he became my caregiver. At least until we got the daily nurse. I still feel very blessed to have him because he still does a lot for me even with the nurses around. I mean they can't be here all day (thank goodness!).  I have my Shitzu still who loves it that I am home with him all day long. He loved laying around with me when I was sick home from work and now I am here full time. I am looking into doing something to make more money because I really need it and I think it would make me feel much more productive.

Now to the geeky part. I depend on my Internet as my connection to the outside world. My cell phone doesn't have to be the newest but I prefer it. I use it the most of anything now. Texting to keep in contact with family and friends. And its easier to hold if I need to lay down. Especially since Chemo wears me out! TV, I still love watching the news and knowing what is going on in the world around me, no matter how saddening it is. I use Hulu and Netflix a lot now, I wish the local Price Chopper would do call-in orders for my groceries but I think the nurse likes to get away and do those things for me anyway. But it would fix the mistakes or misunderstanding we may have on my grocery lists! Oh okay the geeky part is I do actually do more blogging but it is for an online character I have in an online game called Second Life. I 've been in there since 2009 but now I am at home and have found something to do in there to earn me some stuff and talk about the stuff I love in that game. I've done that for a year now and I really enjoy that rather than the aimless wandering and doing nothing but partying, or chatting (if anyone was around) or just doing things with no point. I did start building in there but I am having trouble learning Blender, GIMP, Photoshop and those things which would very much increase my ability and expand what I could make so maybe I could earn a little bit of money (if even only to support my habit!). But blogging for events and stores in Second Life does take a lot of time. And it does help to support my habit in that I do get those items I blog for free. Whereas before I did not and I was blogging them back then too, just not in great detail. And since I love doing this in Second Life, I think I may enjoy it in my normal life too. And maybe I can earn a little money somehow.

And the geekier part of this story is I am going to a local convention called PlanetComicon. It is here every year and this year to save the money of admission, I am volunteering.  I think this will be so much fun! I am in contact with other volunteers and it seems like a crazy bunch of folks! I expect to be one of the more tame ones. They know so many details about the characters I love so much and the genres I follow. But even before chemo, I could never remember lines from movies and backstories and character origins and all that! And now that I am going thru chemo regularly, there is no way I could remember now! I would have to watch and re-read so many things over and over. I just do not have a memory like that and I never have.

And there you have it! Maybe not all the details but a lot of them. I know I've skipped a ton of the details but to spare you the book, I chose to do that.

The Night Before My Birthday

I took the day off from work. I played all day with my new cell phone (since January its new). I laid in bed with my phone and my little Shit zu, Deacon. He loves it when I am home with him all day. He stays right next to me all the time. I shop so much on my phone. I feel like its a game to find the most useful apps when I really don't use them much at all. Not enough time to use them a lot! I loved it, I slept in (8:30am), stayed in bed other than what I had to do. Deacon loved it too.

My family and I had dinner at a local Indian restaurant. My friend who is going through crazy stuff also came. It was good to see her having a good time. I love being with my family. Missed my dad a lot again. The kids gave me a card that made me almost cry again! And money! Woo hoo! I was surprised about that one! I think I will go purse shopping tomorrow with that! I also got two Taebo DVDs, some I had been looking at but had not purchased. Although I did find one - but it turned out to be not what I was wanting. But we will see. I have not bought any of the new Taebo stuff. Not sure why. I think I just like the Zumba and Biggest Loser DVDs more.

Work is going better since January is over! Its been crazy the last couple months. Seems like that for everyone though.

Still no meetings...but I think I want to go to Grief share again since Papa's death. It helped me with Mama's death immensely and I think I would benefit the same now. I know its still pretty fresh having happened in August but it is affecting me very differently now. I feel my concentration is gone! I make lots of mistakes at work, that I think I should have seen coming. If I get stuck on something I can't set it aside and try later - I stick with it but I don't get anywhere with it! I have never had so much trouble on a job before. The thing is, it started before my dad passed away and I also had a really bad year the year my mom passed away. Like it was a warning something big was coming in the future or something. Weird. But anyway, I seem to find comfort in my electronics, my online game, my nocturne romance books, anything to take me away from where I am in my real life.

I did start going back to church at the prodding of one of my kids. So that is great! I found an app of the Bible and so I don't need to carry my bible to church now. I do love that idea. I can also make notes in it and search it -- easier than the normal way. So we will see how that goes.

Well, bedtime. Gotta get up early tomorrow and I am late...

Been Quite A While for Me

Well, its been a long time and I just suddenly thought of this blog once again. I am working so far away from home now. So far that I just stay out here with a co-worker during the week. Its great to have someone so similar to me to stay with. We like a lot of the same things and we get along great. We do differ on food though, big differences there.

Another big thing happened in my life in August. My dad has now passed away. It hurts so badly. I feel like I am not mourning like I think I should be yet again, like when Mama passed away. But like now when I blog about it, I feel it the most. And yesterday. My car was leaking oil and I was so daing lost as to who to take my car to for it to be fixed. Yes, Papa always had someone but that was also on the weekends only. I don't know why I don't just go see him. I think it will cause me to have memories and I WILL fall apart while I am there. And, he keeps the car, so there really is no place for me to go once he has it. Papa was always with me and we would go eat or do something else or whatever we needed to do so we did not sit around waiting. That was the fun part. I guess I would just have to take someone with me now to get me back and forth...but who? Its so far away but I trust him not to screw me over! I am not so sure about anyone else. So yet again I am a little lost. I did manage to find someone but I still need more work done...my leak is much smaller but still there due to another area that needs fixing. At least I hope that is true what they told me. They seemed to be trustful.

I can't believe its been more than a year since my last post. Not been to meetings at all...I work so far away when I get home I stay home. But I guess that makes sense...its been a little over a year since I started this job as a temp. Now I am a permanent employee. I love it but it is stressful. I need to find some way to better handle my stress. I know its affecting my skin, and my health. I am so tired, but I think that is mostly my fault. I still fight sleep...to play an online game where I have a partner. And a whole second life online. And dammit, I work too much there too. Its a great life there where I am taken care of and I get to have so much more than my own life. Its so opposite of my life but its a lot of work too. So it has been pretty easy to not get online to play, but even when I do not get online...I still stay up doing something...anything. Anything other than going to bed like I should! Why? I was so tired earlier and nearly falling asleep on the couch. But here I am now blogging.. and not tired again!

I also have a friend going thru a lot of craziness, its bringing back old memories too. And I invited my kids dad to go somewhere with me and some friends a few weeks ago and maybe he took it the wrong way, but thought he could ask for anything. And he did, so why did I think he might be a little more mature after going thru all that crap he went through? I have no idea. He hasn't changed at all it seems. But not a big surprise I guess. At least it should not have been.

I work right along the Missouri River where it has been flooded all summer and they recently re-opened the highway again for the shorter path home. It looks so dusty and muddy, and still plenty of water around the highway. Its pretty scary actually...the water is still too close to the road. The shoulder of the highway is actually gone now and there is water there. That is how close the water is to the highway now. So if it starts raining bad again...who knows. It may be shut down again. But it did not seem any faster this morning. I still made it into town around the same time as the longer way!

Well, I think I just needed to dump my thoughts somewhere safe...or maybe not so safe, huh? But, I needed to do this or journal. And I do not have a journal with me. So here I am --- and here I go! Until next time.

???

Okay I know its not my problem but I can't help thinking about it anyway.... going thru the "what ifs" moment right now...

I have sporadically made it to a couple of meetings since the last post. And now I need more.

I made it to a meeting!!!

I made it to a meeting a few weeks ago and forgot to post! I haven't made it back yet. It was good to see everyone.

All turning out well...

Well, concerning my last post, it does seem to be turning out okay. I, on the other hand am still depriving myself of sleep. I am on vacation for a few days and seem to have stuffed my first day full of stuff I want to do. And I should be in bed, but fighting it again.

I just dropped my oldest off at college and I am glad she is going back. Still worried about the financial part of it. But it hasn't seemed to stop her from going.

One of my darlings got into some trouble and I don't want to post exactly what - even though if you are in AA or Al-Anon circles, it really applies here. She is working this matter out herself and I am glad to see that. I have helped her a little this week, glad to do so though. It doesn't get requested often. But it is in her hands and she is taking care of it.

I am getting quite a bit of exercise and my blood sugar numbers are looking really good. I did get my A1C down from 7.2 to 6.3! So very happy about that. My goal was 6.5, but I never thought it would drop down so fast!!! I am very tired though, maybe its the SLEEP I'm still missing!!! Ya Think???

I need to get to a meeting. I think I will go sometime this week!

Good night!

Speechless

Received some bad news today...I am pretty speechless. Concerning a loved one. I hope it does not continue to progress in the wrong direction. That's all I can utter right now. All I am willing to post.

I am grateful for:
My God
My kids
My Grand baby
My Family
Al-Anon community
The ability to let go and know it will be okay
The ability to do the above and not fight with myself so much about it

Still Here!

Still feeling stuck and things aren't moving still, but I feel better. Maybe this is where I am supposed to be right now...for what reason I don't know, but I'm still here. I guess I need to make it work while I am here. And be grateful I am not in a worse situation, because right now, I could be.

I am feeling stuck...in my life.

Okay still gone for a while. My poor little car is now dead, I really need a major change in my life both professional and financial and I am very slow to make it happen. I have always been that way and I thought that had changed. But to my - somewhat - surprise it is still a bad habit. I am taking care of my diabetes, but the other stuff is what I am hesitating on. Like I can only concentrate on one area at a time. But it needs to be moving faster in the other areas. I am pretty disappointed with myself and I keep getting distracted by frivolous things in my life. They matter, but the financial and professional parts matter more. And I am at a standstill there and while I procrastinate....things are not getting better. I feel stuck in more ways than one and I can't move like I'm stuck in tar or something.

Been gone a minute or two!

Well, its been a very long time since I've been here! I was diagnosed with Diabetes in December and I've been really working on me! Still haven't been to a meeting, still stressed at work, my beau has moved in now, and I am about to start a diet to lose weight so I can get off these meds I'm on! I hope I can do it. The Dr. Ian Four Day Diet. Myself and family members too. I am hoping this will be good to my body! I am doing well on watching what I eat and I am doing well with my blood sugar.

My body is getting used to the lower blood sugars too. It used to affect me when I got into the 300's but now it affects me when it goes into the 200's! I am staying pretty much into my target ranges, 100 - 150 except for some mornings I am over 120. I will see an educator this week so I can figure out what is going on there with my higher numbers in the morning!

I think I really need to get back to my meetings again. I just notice some codependent behavior I want to change or maybe that I just noticed. So I think I need to pick back up my meetings and my daily readings. Well, so much for now!

Elf Dance - starring us!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

This is what gives me joy

This is what gives me joy this weekend. Been spending time with my grandbaby who loves to go to his cousins to play...cousins, right? He is the grandbaby and the two are my sisters kids. Well, whatever! He loves to go play with them.

Still no meeting. But looking to make a change here soon. I feel like I should but I am unsure again. I think I am letting a certain part of my life run wild and I can't seem reign it back in. I can't seem to start the change rolling and I know I need to. So I am starting to take baby steps to change that part of my life. And I need to get back to church! Missing God too...

Stressed and Sick this week

Well, feeling stressed at work again and sick this week, but I am not going to just let it get to me. I am going to do what I can in the time I have been given. There is a lot not getting done. My duties are covered less some filing, but it can wait. But the extra is getting a lot harder to get to. I hate that. It does feel overwhelming. But I can only do what I can and I think I do that well. The extra too if I can get to it!

Still no meeting. I really need to take care of me. My boss is even taking time off and starting to take care of her needs first. So it got me to realizing that I am not. I need to care for me quite a bit right now! I need to see the doctor, dentist, pay bills, clean up around here, and relax! Besides do this side work I was planning on doing for a friend! So much stuff to do. My car is having trouble too but I need more money to handle it. I may just need to change mechanics! I am really thinking that may be my problem with my car.

I want to get back to my meetings but I am so tired at the end of the week. I just stay home. During the summer it was going out and doing things...now I'm just tired. Unless my car is down or something.

Well, back to my life!

Wandering in my thoughts

Still have not made a meeting. Feeling better at work. But still a bit stressed. I am doing my readings. Well, one anyway. Not really reading the rest of my devotionals.

I am grateful for:

My kids
My grand baby
My Man
My Deacon - my dog
My Car
My Job
My faith, though I feel I really have to work at it too - at this moment in my life.
The weather being cooler!!! I love it but rainy...boo hoo.
My Home

I don't really know what to write...I think I must really get back to my meetings cause I just don't know what to say here. Its like I just can't think of what I am actually working on. I am slowly trying to change old habits. I feel like I keep falling back into them over and over. I try, a little progress happens, a compliment comes and I fall straight back into the old ways suddenly!

Well off to bed, I can at least do that correctly for once!

Ciao!

Historic Week

I just am amazed by what I have seen this week. The first African-American to be the Presidential Candidate, and the first woman Vice Presidential Candidate! Okay, so not the first - I forgot about Ms Ferraro!!!! Still, I am so shocked and amazed at us(America)! And grateful! I didn't think I'd see either this soon in my life! I still think Hillary should be the VP, but it isn't over yet! I am in awe.

I ended up not taking on so much of the position that is leaving. It did seem impossible and I kept saying so. So now it was dumped on others. I feel pressure still, but it isn't so hard anymore. I feel like I can only do what I can do and they see that. I feel good about it but it always sits in my mind that they think I should do more. And it just doesn't happen. I don't know if its good or bad. Good for me, I'm not killing myself.

Tension due to work

I feel the tension again. My job wants me to take on new responsibilities since someone is leaving. I want the learning experience but I think it will be a lot of pressure...not sure what I want to do. Its made me a little scared...I am not understanding that part. I am worried I guess of being more responsible for the things they are asking me to do. Much of which I do partly but not fully in my current position.

What to do... what to do....