I've been trying to get a new post on here for a few days now. My DSL line is down for some reason, could be my modem jacking up! Who knows! Hopefully it will be resolved soon and I can resume my Internet access more easily from home. Just an FYI for my absence!
Wednesday made 1 year that my mom passed. My sister called to remind me of that and now I am weepy! For the last three days! But guess I'll be okay. Today has been tough. Weepy all day long...
Friday, October 13, 2006
Monday, October 09, 2006
A Hectic Sunday afternoon
Sunday started out unpleasant. My car gave me crap and wouldn't start. I hadn't been to church in a while and was dying to go! By the time it started finally, church was over! And mind you, I haven' tbeen to church in about a month now! So I was not in the best of moods. And, I hadn't read my readings for the day yet!!! My oldest and her BF were arguing and we were all going to my sister's house and I didn't want him to go if he was going to be constantly arguing with my daughter. So I said something and not in the nicest of ways. But definitely not in the worst way either. Of course, he tried to make it look like I was picking on him and then he did disrespect me - not surprising, really. Then I got upset and kept saying stuff to him. It did only make things worse. I was finally pulled away by my youngest who said to just leave them there. So finally, I did.
I was about to head back over there again to voice more of my opinion to him when a friend in recovery called. Upon seeing who was calling me, I was stopped in my tracks, I almost didn't answer the call. Then I did. The call kept me from getting back into it. I felt like I had been caught, or rather, stopped from continuing on back into what was not mine to handle. It was hers and I wanted to protect her. It was a relief really, but I did feel caught. I know they could probably hear the struggle I was having with myself, I also almost excused myself from the call and was going to say I would call back later. I was fighting back tears. I was trying to hide all the emotions I was feeling from my friend, I don't know if they could tell, I could hear it all in my voice and I was so mad I was shaking.
As I continued with the call, he asked if I was taking sides and I did have to say I did. That is my child, I felt compelled to take her side. But I was honest in my answer. He talked to me almost until I made it to my sisters house, out of the situation, finally calmed down, and still trying to not think about the situation I'd just left my daughter in. A more pissed off BF than when I pulled up. But he doesn't put his hands on her, but it is all verbal abuse. He's never happy but it still wasn't mine to handle. She's grown, she can handle it, she's getting tired of it I can tell. Maybe that is why it is getting worse. But I still need to give it to God, He will protect her and can handle it better than me.
I had to fight it today too. Each time I thought about it, I got angry all over again. I had to keep giving it back to God again throughout the day. God is good. I am glad to have a program and can't believe how it worked out to get me out of what wasn't mine to begin with. This journey is amazing. Especially one day at a time.
Tonight I had a long talk with my sponsor. We were deciding on how to handle my fourth step workbook. And it is set for us to start going over it. This is my first fourth step. I guess I have one more section to go over and it will be complete. This is going to be interesting.
Happy for the Chiefs winning again! I hope this keeps up!
I was about to head back over there again to voice more of my opinion to him when a friend in recovery called. Upon seeing who was calling me, I was stopped in my tracks, I almost didn't answer the call. Then I did. The call kept me from getting back into it. I felt like I had been caught, or rather, stopped from continuing on back into what was not mine to handle. It was hers and I wanted to protect her. It was a relief really, but I did feel caught. I know they could probably hear the struggle I was having with myself, I also almost excused myself from the call and was going to say I would call back later. I was fighting back tears. I was trying to hide all the emotions I was feeling from my friend, I don't know if they could tell, I could hear it all in my voice and I was so mad I was shaking.
As I continued with the call, he asked if I was taking sides and I did have to say I did. That is my child, I felt compelled to take her side. But I was honest in my answer. He talked to me almost until I made it to my sisters house, out of the situation, finally calmed down, and still trying to not think about the situation I'd just left my daughter in. A more pissed off BF than when I pulled up. But he doesn't put his hands on her, but it is all verbal abuse. He's never happy but it still wasn't mine to handle. She's grown, she can handle it, she's getting tired of it I can tell. Maybe that is why it is getting worse. But I still need to give it to God, He will protect her and can handle it better than me.
I had to fight it today too. Each time I thought about it, I got angry all over again. I had to keep giving it back to God again throughout the day. God is good. I am glad to have a program and can't believe how it worked out to get me out of what wasn't mine to begin with. This journey is amazing. Especially one day at a time.
Tonight I had a long talk with my sponsor. We were deciding on how to handle my fourth step workbook. And it is set for us to start going over it. This is my first fourth step. I guess I have one more section to go over and it will be complete. This is going to be interesting.
Happy for the Chiefs winning again! I hope this keeps up!
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Spirit of the meeting
Last nights meeting was so unbelievable to me. Someone came in and shared how something was hurting her deeply. She felt judged by others and mainly her family. She was very hurt by it, and it had been going on quite some time. Others around the table responded and one woman told her directly "They are mad at you because they wish they were you. You know who you are and aren't afraid to be that. They are the ones with the issue, not you." She also told her how beautiful she was and the way she said it was so amazing. That lady almost had me crying! It was great! God was really moving in there last night. People had so much ESH for each other there and it was all so helpful to hear and wonderful to see that kind of spirit in the group. I don't think I've seen it flow that well before! Not quite like that. It was great!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Amazed at God's ability
As a result of the loss of twin grandbabies, I attend Grief Share classes at my church on Tuesday nights. My daughter does too and my sister. Well, last night we talked about holding on to anger, bitterness, resentments, and forgiveness - all leading to depression. I was trying to identify with what the people on the video were saying. They each said for a time they were angry at God. They were angry at the loved one who died, and held on to their anger. Some took it out on others and some went into depression. I didn't feel those things when my Mom, Grandmother and now the grandbabies passed. As I listened to each one in the group share, I still didn't feel the same degree of anger these people expressed. I did share a few of the prayers they shared. And one was to not harbor any bitterness toward my ex. I kept praying that often in the months following the break up. God answered my prayers.
When my grandmother passed, it was immediately the next day that my Mom went into the hospital. I immediately requested of God, "Please not both of them in the same week!" He waited a couple more weeks before Mama passed. But not once did I get angry with God. I knew she would feel better. She wasn't happy with her condition it made her so uncomfortable to go thru Dialysis three days a week. I'm not saying "How could they be angry", I was trying to identify with them and was wondering why I hadn't felt the same.
When it came time for me to share, I had identified with the lady sitting next to me. Concerning her ex. That relationship ending taught me to rely on God for my support. I hadn't been doing that while in that relationship. Then I'd been lead to attend Al-Anon! And CodA! Which then taught me to "Let Go and Let God". And forgiveness had always come easy for me, always. I can forgive and in almost all cases, forget it. But the tools I used to help me deal and heal with my new life, had helped me handle my losses which still seem non-stop since just before the break up. I didn't feel so bad due to my relationship with Christ, trusting Him to care for me, change what I couldn't change, and Letting go! And sharing with others in group, talking to others in the group, etc, etc. So my tools are reaching into my entire life. And it is so amazing to see God working thru this program in my life. It is truly amazing.
The thing the video kept stressing was anger, when held on to, creates resentments and bitterness. And if not released or dealt with, could lead to depression. And without forgiveness to those who had passed away, for whatever reason one is upset with them about, you hinder your own growth. And hinder your own healing process. Its just all around bad for you. Basically, forgiveness is necessary for our healing and growth. My sister saw herself in the testimonies of those on the video tape. She realized for the first time where and why she is depressed. And stated she knows what to do about it. She needs to work on it!
God is so amazing! So Amazing! I am so glad today to have a God that can change you in an instant. He can reach you where ever you may be at any point in time! God is so good!
When my grandmother passed, it was immediately the next day that my Mom went into the hospital. I immediately requested of God, "Please not both of them in the same week!" He waited a couple more weeks before Mama passed. But not once did I get angry with God. I knew she would feel better. She wasn't happy with her condition it made her so uncomfortable to go thru Dialysis three days a week. I'm not saying "How could they be angry", I was trying to identify with them and was wondering why I hadn't felt the same.
When it came time for me to share, I had identified with the lady sitting next to me. Concerning her ex. That relationship ending taught me to rely on God for my support. I hadn't been doing that while in that relationship. Then I'd been lead to attend Al-Anon! And CodA! Which then taught me to "Let Go and Let God". And forgiveness had always come easy for me, always. I can forgive and in almost all cases, forget it. But the tools I used to help me deal and heal with my new life, had helped me handle my losses which still seem non-stop since just before the break up. I didn't feel so bad due to my relationship with Christ, trusting Him to care for me, change what I couldn't change, and Letting go! And sharing with others in group, talking to others in the group, etc, etc. So my tools are reaching into my entire life. And it is so amazing to see God working thru this program in my life. It is truly amazing.
The thing the video kept stressing was anger, when held on to, creates resentments and bitterness. And if not released or dealt with, could lead to depression. And without forgiveness to those who had passed away, for whatever reason one is upset with them about, you hinder your own growth. And hinder your own healing process. Its just all around bad for you. Basically, forgiveness is necessary for our healing and growth. My sister saw herself in the testimonies of those on the video tape. She realized for the first time where and why she is depressed. And stated she knows what to do about it. She needs to work on it!
God is so amazing! So Amazing! I am so glad today to have a God that can change you in an instant. He can reach you where ever you may be at any point in time! God is so good!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Help from my friends...
Last night at my Al-Anon meeting, we talked about the 10th step. I haven't worked that far but it did make me think, I am beginning to actually wonder why I am doing the things I do. Why I seem to respond so slowly to the pressing issues in my life? I normally am very willing to improve myself. In the programs (CodA and Al-Anon), I am the focus but, I am now quite a bit slower to change. But still very willing, the desire to change is there all the time. I am finally recognizing the fact that there needs to be a change for me to get better!
Just yesterday, I was talking with a friend in recovery, and we were discussing me wanting to have more money and a better job. He had all kinds of suggestions, and I had an excuse for why each one wouldn't work for me! Then I started to hear myself, I felt like I was playing the victim role as far as my career and finances. And the reading from The Language of Letting Go, had already spoken to me about finances and it was really speaking to me. I don't know why I keep holding myself back but I think I feel I don't deserve it yet. But while talking to him I realized what I was doing. And I was going to ask him what he thought of my excuses, or what he thought he was really hearing me say, but I hesitated and I didn't ask him. Probably because I already know. Or am finally accepting and coming to realize what I am actually doing. My ex used to say I was making excuses and his sister always said I wasn't confident enough with myself to do anything. I needed to change that. I never liked what they said, but now I am thinking that maybe the problem. I also want to change my career too and to me that means less money to begin with. Starting again at the bottom and working my way up. Which, if I think about it, is actually exactly where I am now. At the bottom waiting to work my way up. Which, in my current company, will be very hard to do. So a lateral move wouldn't hurt me really. What have I to lose? Sounds like not much. I am always taking chances elsewhere, why not here? I do not have an answer...But I know nearly every time I talk to this friend I learn something about me that I usually am not willing to accept yet. Or I am fighting to accept within myself. This is something I didn't realize and now I will need to fight to accept about me. I want better but I am afraid to make a move. I am remaining in yet another situation that is not helpful to me. I am a very loyal employee, friend, etc. Except, at many times, maybe not to myself and what I need! I feel I deserve better but won't try to make it happen.
Later last night, I hung out with another friend in recovery. I remember noticing before that she didn't smile so much and when we went out I thought she didn't really want to go due to the fact that she didn't look so happy. I did ask her about it then and she explained lots of people express the same thing. Then I saw in her what I used to be like before I started to do little things for me to change my appearance. To look better, hence, feel better about me. Its funny how much in common I find I have with the other members of the group sometimes. But it makes me feel more willing to be honest, open and understanding with them - and even some others outside the groups. Anyway, I noticed she has a very pretty smile. I should have told her. I did comment on her picture she showed me. We stayed there talking until about 12:30 am, then I went home. I had a good time. We shared a lot with one another. I love learning about folks and hearing what makes them happy, sad, excited, whatever and I do always learn something new, no matter how small it may be. I learn something.
Today I am thankful to have a growing list of friends in the fellowship who support me, love me, let me gripe, let me weep, let me be me and be comfortable with me at all times.
I thank God and the program because I am really starting to think about why I am the way I am, and what may need to change to make me better. To improve my life.
I thank God for my car, that is still running, I keep trying to treat her well, as best I can. And with all its problems, it still gets me there. I pray that it lasts until I get another one.
I am thankful for those of you who read my blog and appreciate the comments you leave. Thank you so much for sharing your insights with me.
OH my gosh!!! And I am thankful for the fact that I had two invites to the CHIEFS game tomorrow!!!!! YYYYYyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! FOOTBALL!!!!! I will be going with my brother-in-law to the game!!!!! I gotta pick out my gear for tomorrow!
Just yesterday, I was talking with a friend in recovery, and we were discussing me wanting to have more money and a better job. He had all kinds of suggestions, and I had an excuse for why each one wouldn't work for me! Then I started to hear myself, I felt like I was playing the victim role as far as my career and finances. And the reading from The Language of Letting Go, had already spoken to me about finances and it was really speaking to me. I don't know why I keep holding myself back but I think I feel I don't deserve it yet. But while talking to him I realized what I was doing. And I was going to ask him what he thought of my excuses, or what he thought he was really hearing me say, but I hesitated and I didn't ask him. Probably because I already know. Or am finally accepting and coming to realize what I am actually doing. My ex used to say I was making excuses and his sister always said I wasn't confident enough with myself to do anything. I needed to change that. I never liked what they said, but now I am thinking that maybe the problem. I also want to change my career too and to me that means less money to begin with. Starting again at the bottom and working my way up. Which, if I think about it, is actually exactly where I am now. At the bottom waiting to work my way up. Which, in my current company, will be very hard to do. So a lateral move wouldn't hurt me really. What have I to lose? Sounds like not much. I am always taking chances elsewhere, why not here? I do not have an answer...But I know nearly every time I talk to this friend I learn something about me that I usually am not willing to accept yet. Or I am fighting to accept within myself. This is something I didn't realize and now I will need to fight to accept about me. I want better but I am afraid to make a move. I am remaining in yet another situation that is not helpful to me. I am a very loyal employee, friend, etc. Except, at many times, maybe not to myself and what I need! I feel I deserve better but won't try to make it happen.
Later last night, I hung out with another friend in recovery. I remember noticing before that she didn't smile so much and when we went out I thought she didn't really want to go due to the fact that she didn't look so happy. I did ask her about it then and she explained lots of people express the same thing. Then I saw in her what I used to be like before I started to do little things for me to change my appearance. To look better, hence, feel better about me. Its funny how much in common I find I have with the other members of the group sometimes. But it makes me feel more willing to be honest, open and understanding with them - and even some others outside the groups. Anyway, I noticed she has a very pretty smile. I should have told her. I did comment on her picture she showed me. We stayed there talking until about 12:30 am, then I went home. I had a good time. We shared a lot with one another. I love learning about folks and hearing what makes them happy, sad, excited, whatever and I do always learn something new, no matter how small it may be. I learn something.
Today I am thankful to have a growing list of friends in the fellowship who support me, love me, let me gripe, let me weep, let me be me and be comfortable with me at all times.
I thank God and the program because I am really starting to think about why I am the way I am, and what may need to change to make me better. To improve my life.
I thank God for my car, that is still running, I keep trying to treat her well, as best I can. And with all its problems, it still gets me there. I pray that it lasts until I get another one.
I am thankful for those of you who read my blog and appreciate the comments you leave. Thank you so much for sharing your insights with me.
OH my gosh!!! And I am thankful for the fact that I had two invites to the CHIEFS game tomorrow!!!!! YYYYYyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! FOOTBALL!!!!! I will be going with my brother-in-law to the game!!!!! I gotta pick out my gear for tomorrow!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
A Good Word
This little boy is so beautiful. I decided to add this picture at the last minute. My HNT pic for the week. When I look at him I feel so euphoric. I feel so good when I see him or hear his laugh, his voice. My cell phone pics are with me at all times, when I feel down I can look at this and I instantly feel different! This feeling is so much better than those I express below. God is so good. God is always good no matter what.
I did get a good word from my sponsor. She believes I did what any parent would do in that situation. I did what I could do. Yes, I maybe pressed it being tough, and my ex pressed it trying to force our daughter to take action she obviously isn't willing to take. But the only one out of control was the BF. I feel the anger coming again. It is very surprising how much disrespect this boy has for the entire family. I guess I can't take that route, even here. It doesn't feel good at all. I don't like it. I can just give it up to God again.
I feel like God is giving me so much to work on at once. I know I need to work on everything He's sending and I keep trying to avoid so much of what I'm being directed to work on. I guess that's why it seems to get overwhelming to me - I keep avoiding issues I just don't want to deal with. Not good. I will set my priorities and get to work. And ask for His help to get all my issues dealt with, keep me on track, and direct me which to deal with as I go along. Please pray for me to continue to handle my issues that I need to deal with. I start and stop when discouraged. And many times I am discouraged easily. I think my problem is accepting that I need help in these other areas and I won't look for it. I don't know why I am paralyzed. Things will only get worse if I just sit here. And things seem to be piling up again.
Today I am exactly where my God has placed me. He will guide me and keep me lifted up through all I am dealing with. I will be happy with my life regardless of my setbacks and stressfull events going on in my life. I will trust that God has allowed all this to teach me a thing or two, or three, or four....You get me? :) And I'm so glad I have a God I can depend on. Lean on, talk to, pour my heart out to, It makes such a big difference in my life. I can keep going knowing He is there.
I feel like God is giving me so much to work on at once. I know I need to work on everything He's sending and I keep trying to avoid so much of what I'm being directed to work on. I guess that's why it seems to get overwhelming to me - I keep avoiding issues I just don't want to deal with. Not good. I will set my priorities and get to work. And ask for His help to get all my issues dealt with, keep me on track, and direct me which to deal with as I go along. Please pray for me to continue to handle my issues that I need to deal with. I start and stop when discouraged. And many times I am discouraged easily. I think my problem is accepting that I need help in these other areas and I won't look for it. I don't know why I am paralyzed. Things will only get worse if I just sit here. And things seem to be piling up again.
Today I am exactly where my God has placed me. He will guide me and keep me lifted up through all I am dealing with. I will be happy with my life regardless of my setbacks and stressfull events going on in my life. I will trust that God has allowed all this to teach me a thing or two, or three, or four....You get me? :) And I'm so glad I have a God I can depend on. Lean on, talk to, pour my heart out to, It makes such a big difference in my life. I can keep going knowing He is there.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Drama filled weekend
This weekend was very hard Saturday evening. I had to see my daughters BF just get entirely belligerent with her trying to take the baby. There was a struggle in my house with the baby (though he was fine) due to the BF wanting to take him away with him, and to where? Who knows, he has no home, no car, and supposedly had no money. So there was no way he was going to leave with the baby. I had to stand by my door because he wasn't about to just run off with him. He refused to leave without the baby, so I called the cops. Then he had to leave they informed him. He has no paperwork to just take the baby away from his mother. So he left but only off the property. He stayed pacing up and down the block waiting for my daughter to leave with her friends. Of course they never did, it took police so long to get there and tell him to leave that they just called it a night and went home.
I don't handle this situation well. I get very upset because he keeps my daughter scared and I am not afraid of him. And if I show this to him, he backs off slightly and isn't so quick to talk big anymore. He did kind of buck up to their dad when he arrived at around 12:30 at night! I couldn't believe he did it since he doesn't appear to do this to me at all - unless he has the baby in his hands. And seeing this makes me more confident that I get very stand off-ish with him. And I know this isn't right, but he does back off enough to where I will back off thinking he's coming to his senses, but as soon as I leave him and her alone again, the ignorance is back on. He stayed around the neighborhood till at least 2 am. By that time, we didn't see him anymore but figured he was still around. No one in his family or friends would come get him. I kept the baby, my daughter went home with my sister, and everyone else left.
I also had like a flashback or something. I couldn't rest all night. I slept with the baby but didn't really sleep or even relax. Every noise I heard kept me awake. I felt like some one was going to break in and I didn't think it was true of the BF to do something like that for any reason. So why did I feel like that? I guess I was thinking of the times I actually was worried my ex was going to break in and take something, those were the times I couldn't sleep. And the times I wouldn't leave the house cause I knew he was waiting around the corner for me to leave so he could come in and get something. And I was not about to let that happen yet again. But it was scary and paralyzing during those times. I hated it but felt it was necessary. At first I thought it was my daughter, I thought she went home but she hadn't, she went home with my sister. So she was safe. The baby was safe. I was too but didn't sleep or relax. Anyway, that episode is over now. He hasn't returned except for his things from her place, and left without any trouble. I don't get it. No trouble today, only the night she wanted to go out.
Her father didn't handle it as well as he normally does this time either. We thought he was going to fight him when he got here! But he did make him go further down the block and kept him away from the house. The cops were called three more times and they still wouldn't take him away. Even though they could see what he was doing was stalking. They told us since he hadn't harmed anyone, they wouldn't take him away or make him leave. It was ridiculous. She must be hurt before anything can be done. That makes no sense to me. And if she doesn't file, and I think she will not yet, he will just do it again. Her father and I discussed it a bit after everything calmed down and he was trying to force her to do something. Of course she couldn't. I don't think she would anyway, not yet. He came to the conclusion he was powerless. I did try to tell him to let her decide, he wasn't having it, not listening to me at all. I just hope the BF doesn't hurt her before she finally decides to stop accepting this crazy behavior from him.
I'm happy to have a God I can call on for the protection I can't provide my daughter. I can ask him to keep her safe.
I'm glad I have a program, even though I didn't think once about the principles in the heat of the moment this weekend. All weekend.
Maybe I need to say to God I am powerless, please help me to let this go and let her handle it. Still confused about how far I should be in it in my own home. Guess it is a good time to call my sponsor. I also found that hard. I guess cause I feel I failed to work it while all this was going on. But that will be on my agenda in the morning. I will call her to discuss this weekends drama. Then maybe an update on me after that!
I don't handle this situation well. I get very upset because he keeps my daughter scared and I am not afraid of him. And if I show this to him, he backs off slightly and isn't so quick to talk big anymore. He did kind of buck up to their dad when he arrived at around 12:30 at night! I couldn't believe he did it since he doesn't appear to do this to me at all - unless he has the baby in his hands. And seeing this makes me more confident that I get very stand off-ish with him. And I know this isn't right, but he does back off enough to where I will back off thinking he's coming to his senses, but as soon as I leave him and her alone again, the ignorance is back on. He stayed around the neighborhood till at least 2 am. By that time, we didn't see him anymore but figured he was still around. No one in his family or friends would come get him. I kept the baby, my daughter went home with my sister, and everyone else left.
I also had like a flashback or something. I couldn't rest all night. I slept with the baby but didn't really sleep or even relax. Every noise I heard kept me awake. I felt like some one was going to break in and I didn't think it was true of the BF to do something like that for any reason. So why did I feel like that? I guess I was thinking of the times I actually was worried my ex was going to break in and take something, those were the times I couldn't sleep. And the times I wouldn't leave the house cause I knew he was waiting around the corner for me to leave so he could come in and get something. And I was not about to let that happen yet again. But it was scary and paralyzing during those times. I hated it but felt it was necessary. At first I thought it was my daughter, I thought she went home but she hadn't, she went home with my sister. So she was safe. The baby was safe. I was too but didn't sleep or relax. Anyway, that episode is over now. He hasn't returned except for his things from her place, and left without any trouble. I don't get it. No trouble today, only the night she wanted to go out.
Her father didn't handle it as well as he normally does this time either. We thought he was going to fight him when he got here! But he did make him go further down the block and kept him away from the house. The cops were called three more times and they still wouldn't take him away. Even though they could see what he was doing was stalking. They told us since he hadn't harmed anyone, they wouldn't take him away or make him leave. It was ridiculous. She must be hurt before anything can be done. That makes no sense to me. And if she doesn't file, and I think she will not yet, he will just do it again. Her father and I discussed it a bit after everything calmed down and he was trying to force her to do something. Of course she couldn't. I don't think she would anyway, not yet. He came to the conclusion he was powerless. I did try to tell him to let her decide, he wasn't having it, not listening to me at all. I just hope the BF doesn't hurt her before she finally decides to stop accepting this crazy behavior from him.
I'm happy to have a God I can call on for the protection I can't provide my daughter. I can ask him to keep her safe.
I'm glad I have a program, even though I didn't think once about the principles in the heat of the moment this weekend. All weekend.
Maybe I need to say to God I am powerless, please help me to let this go and let her handle it. Still confused about how far I should be in it in my own home. Guess it is a good time to call my sponsor. I also found that hard. I guess cause I feel I failed to work it while all this was going on. But that will be on my agenda in the morning. I will call her to discuss this weekends drama. Then maybe an update on me after that!
Saturday, September 23, 2006
I finally made it back!
I made it back to my Al-Anon meeting this week! I haven't been since my daughter went into early labor(back on Labor Day weekend). There's been something going on every week since then. Or maybe I am just trying to keep me busy and not dwell on what happened. It felt so good on the way there, and a little weird on the way into the room. But it was an excellent meeting on making amends. And what a relief to finally be there! It really feels like family. A perfect end to my frustrating week. And one that calmed me down and made me ready for the weekend!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
A really tough day!
Man, I seriously need a meeting. I have no car, it is in the shop right now, and I need a meeting. I may need to just jump on the bus and pray someone will take me home. I have been so angry today. My friend at work misunderstood something I said or tried to communicate to me and she seemed to be all upset at me and for what? I have no idea! Then when I asked her about it, she just didn't seem to be able to tell me what. So I left it alone. I think she must be stressed over something. All morning back and forth with her. I wasn't even arguing, but she seemed to think I was. I was seriously misunderstood. I felt like she was trying to make sure she had the last word, or win a fight we weren't really having? I don't know. Anyway, I did finally talk to her face to face and she didn't seem so stand-offish anymore, she thinks she's misunderstood too for some reason. She thinks we are being driven apart too. Why? I don't know, that's the first mention of it to me. We do spend less time together but I don't feel the same, we talk the same. We act the same. Just less time together. That's it.
Then I come home to my daughter and the grandbaby. That's great! I am very happy to see them. It's been a while. But my oldest is having trouble with her man. He wants her to spend time with him and he just makes her cry all the time. Of course, he has no car, no money. Oh now he does since she seems to be tiring of his whining ass. But he still has total control of her. And she's stressing, not taking care of herself and trying to do as he says all the time. When she should be resting. Then she's also running her friends around too and she's stressed about that! They give her money, which she has none of, and so there she goes running all day, instead of resting. Then she disrespects me due to herself stressing. So I got on her too. It wasn't totally good. But I was truthful and it wasn't nice. I try to be but it just doesn't seem to be heard if its nice. It seems anyway. So I had my say and I just want to be alone now. I want to call someone so bad, but what do I say? I feel like I am just whining myself. I know I should stay out of it, but she's going run herself down if she isn't told anything. I do feel I have a duty to help her, but only by suggesting what she should be doing. Not telling her. She ended up staying home and sleeping. I took my other daughter and the grandbaby home. Now I am here. Venting yet again.
I do feel like I need to whine, cry, vent, yell, I wish I could scream. It is not pleasant tonight. I talk to God, but I am not completely comforted. I wish I could reach some one by phone. I finally can relax and let the tears run now. They feel so good. I was weepy yesterday too. I was working on some grief stuff for my Grief Share class and the tears just kept coming. I guess I just need to release it and let God have it. And maybe cry. I wish things were different, I feel so powerless just watching what is going on. I have no problem with not touching anything that isn't mine to touch, but I wish I wasn't at home to see it either. It hurts to hear it. It hurts to hold back and just let things happen. I hope they get it faster than I did. I feel they are, but I wish it was faster. And let me not even begin with my example for them. I took way too long to get out. Okay I think I am heading in the wrong direction with that last comment, so let me stop and gather myself again and I'll just say good night.
I am still grateful I have a program as hard as it may be to apply it at times, I am willing to keep trying. And I am still thanking God for my new chance at a new, more fulfilling life.
Good Night...
Then I come home to my daughter and the grandbaby. That's great! I am very happy to see them. It's been a while. But my oldest is having trouble with her man. He wants her to spend time with him and he just makes her cry all the time. Of course, he has no car, no money. Oh now he does since she seems to be tiring of his whining ass. But he still has total control of her. And she's stressing, not taking care of herself and trying to do as he says all the time. When she should be resting. Then she's also running her friends around too and she's stressed about that! They give her money, which she has none of, and so there she goes running all day, instead of resting. Then she disrespects me due to herself stressing. So I got on her too. It wasn't totally good. But I was truthful and it wasn't nice. I try to be but it just doesn't seem to be heard if its nice. It seems anyway. So I had my say and I just want to be alone now. I want to call someone so bad, but what do I say? I feel like I am just whining myself. I know I should stay out of it, but she's going run herself down if she isn't told anything. I do feel I have a duty to help her, but only by suggesting what she should be doing. Not telling her. She ended up staying home and sleeping. I took my other daughter and the grandbaby home. Now I am here. Venting yet again.
I do feel like I need to whine, cry, vent, yell, I wish I could scream. It is not pleasant tonight. I talk to God, but I am not completely comforted. I wish I could reach some one by phone. I finally can relax and let the tears run now. They feel so good. I was weepy yesterday too. I was working on some grief stuff for my Grief Share class and the tears just kept coming. I guess I just need to release it and let God have it. And maybe cry. I wish things were different, I feel so powerless just watching what is going on. I have no problem with not touching anything that isn't mine to touch, but I wish I wasn't at home to see it either. It hurts to hear it. It hurts to hold back and just let things happen. I hope they get it faster than I did. I feel they are, but I wish it was faster. And let me not even begin with my example for them. I took way too long to get out. Okay I think I am heading in the wrong direction with that last comment, so let me stop and gather myself again and I'll just say good night.
I am still grateful I have a program as hard as it may be to apply it at times, I am willing to keep trying. And I am still thanking God for my new chance at a new, more fulfilling life.
Good Night...
Monday, September 18, 2006
Venting again!
A friend whom I confide in said something which made me feel bad. Maybe I am complaining too much, I am looking at me to see if I am. But I also think she was being mean. I am glad to have a program which helps me deal with this. I can not let it stick and give her the space she needs. I can also choose not to share with her anymore information that she could use against me. Which I did once again and she did the same thing. She will not do it again. I do complain a lot about my job, maybe I can just do something about it. I was just jacking around like I always do. And I kept jacking around and it seems she didn't care for it or she thought I was serious. But I wouldn't use information like that against her if she shared it with me. Actually, she was doing the very same thing when I first met her, complaining about everyone she works with! Many times she still does! Anyway, I actually try to encourage her but I get her maybe I should call it a justification of why she is entitled to feel the way she does. My word doesn't get thru, so I just end up listening.
And I need to remember she has no program. I need to remember her views concerning the program. Which she changes quite often. Anyway, so much for that. I feel better now. I am so glad I can vent here. Even those who have a program do this so it isn't just her. And I can still have serenity in the midst of crap happening to me. I can give it to God and leave it with Him!
Today I am thankful I can talk to God about it and leave it alone if it bothers me. I can let it go and not take it personally or let it define me. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in my life!
And I need to remember she has no program. I need to remember her views concerning the program. Which she changes quite often. Anyway, so much for that. I feel better now. I am so glad I can vent here. Even those who have a program do this so it isn't just her. And I can still have serenity in the midst of crap happening to me. I can give it to God and leave it with Him!
Today I am thankful I can talk to God about it and leave it alone if it bothers me. I can let it go and not take it personally or let it define me. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in my life!
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Downer Evening
I don't know what the deal is tonight. Besides the fact that my football team lost and they were ahead! I've still not done what I need to do around here. I feel like it is too overwhelming. There is so much to do here and I have no motivation to do it. I want to talk to someone and can't seem to pick up the phone. I haven't really felt like this so heavily before. Maybe its just a phase. I'm sure it'll pass. I feel just sleepy and not wanting to do anything! I am listening to music and I want to just lay down. I can't stand these downer days, or hours. It wasn't all day long. Maybe I will hit the sheets early to night and be refreshed tomorrow. I may need to just get on my knees and cry out to God. Gospel music seems to be the ticket tonight. I feel like He wants me to spend time there with Him. I think that is what I will do! Good night!
Busy Days
Well! I have been hopping for the last few days. I've enjoyed myself, but I've been busy, very busy. Home late, rushing to work, repeat, repeat. Thursday I had a good CodA meeting, then to dinner for some catching up with the group. Mostly men talk. That was fun. And an excellent steak!
Friday I had a Passion Party to attend for a friend. She was needing my friends to attend since hers wouldn't! But then they all showed up! It was done very tastefully, not lewd, nor very shocking. And it was fun, so much fun. My friend's friends got quite rowdy, I knew they would! They always do. And they did get checked a couple of times, not just by me. LOL! Still it was fun. Very informative and quite the learning experience. I found I was quite abnormal, and that will be as far as I go with that! That lasted from 6:30p to 12:30a! Party was over at 10:30 though. We just visited for two more hours, as women sometimes do.
Saturday, Avon delivery 8 am, Walking at 10:30 am, then Ice Cream on the Plaza, then my cousin and I shared a burrito, then the downtown air show was going on and I pulled over so I wouldn't crash, and watched the remainder of the show! I love the air show! I love the rumble of the jets as they go by! I can't tell you how much I love it! I got some good shots of them on Thursday and Friday! They were practicing and they flew numerous times over the building I work in! They were so close, so LOUD! Oh! I should have been a pilot! Nope! I'm scared of rollercoasters, so I wouldn't have passed the training I think! But I absolutely love the rumble!!! I feel like a kid watching them. I saw the Stealth Bomber as it flew over KCKS today! I will be attending the Hispanic Festival tomorrow and hoping to get a glimpse of the Bomber again and the Blue Angels! Oh! I love it!
I am so thankful I can enjoy my life more fully now! I missed seeing the planes and its only been a year. I love the natural high those jets bring when I hear and see them! I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT!!!
I am thankful my kids know they can call on God when they are in need of his help.
I am thankful for my dogs, Timber and Lady, who shower me with love.
I am thankful for my car, I mistreat it and it keeps on going for me.
I am thankful for CodA, and Al-Anon meetings I attend, I miss my Al-Anon.
I am thankful for standing up for me now a days!
I am thankful for the program everyday!
I am thankful for my daily readings! They help me so much.
Friday I had a Passion Party to attend for a friend. She was needing my friends to attend since hers wouldn't! But then they all showed up! It was done very tastefully, not lewd, nor very shocking. And it was fun, so much fun. My friend's friends got quite rowdy, I knew they would! They always do. And they did get checked a couple of times, not just by me. LOL! Still it was fun. Very informative and quite the learning experience. I found I was quite abnormal, and that will be as far as I go with that! That lasted from 6:30p to 12:30a! Party was over at 10:30 though. We just visited for two more hours, as women sometimes do.
Saturday, Avon delivery 8 am, Walking at 10:30 am, then Ice Cream on the Plaza, then my cousin and I shared a burrito, then the downtown air show was going on and I pulled over so I wouldn't crash, and watched the remainder of the show! I love the air show! I love the rumble of the jets as they go by! I can't tell you how much I love it! I got some good shots of them on Thursday and Friday! They were practicing and they flew numerous times over the building I work in! They were so close, so LOUD! Oh! I should have been a pilot! Nope! I'm scared of rollercoasters, so I wouldn't have passed the training I think! But I absolutely love the rumble!!! I feel like a kid watching them. I saw the Stealth Bomber as it flew over KCKS today! I will be attending the Hispanic Festival tomorrow and hoping to get a glimpse of the Bomber again and the Blue Angels! Oh! I love it!
I am so thankful I can enjoy my life more fully now! I missed seeing the planes and its only been a year. I love the natural high those jets bring when I hear and see them! I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT!!!
I am thankful my kids know they can call on God when they are in need of his help.
I am thankful for my dogs, Timber and Lady, who shower me with love.
I am thankful for my car, I mistreat it and it keeps on going for me.
I am thankful for CodA, and Al-Anon meetings I attend, I miss my Al-Anon.
I am thankful for standing up for me now a days!
I am thankful for the program everyday!
I am thankful for my daily readings! They help me so much.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
My First HNT pic!
There are a few things I love dearly... I think this picture represents them well. I love God, so glad for the faith I have in Christ, I love technology, and I am happy today. Last year at this time I was still going thru withdrawals from the toxic relationship I was in. Today I am Happy, Joyous, and Free!
Happy HNT!
I have a Sponsor
After so much time has passed and not even thinking of a sponsor, I've finally asked someone to be my sponsor and she's accepted! I'm so glad! She shares what I am not willing to share, I learn so much from her everytime she shares, she says out loud what I would never (previously) admit. I think this is going to be a much greater level of learning and growing. And, accountability. Whoa! I was wanting that a few months ago, huh? It's coming I'm sure. It's been a whole year without a sponsor. I think I've done good but it was on my mind to be getting one soon. Especially when my need for accountability surfaced. Anyway, I have one now and we've talked a couple times. I'm liking it.
More later!
More later!
Monday, September 04, 2006
Another Loss in the family
Last week was a wild ride once again. My oldest daughter who is pregnant, or was, had problems last Sunday evening. She thought her water broke (and it did, come to find out later) and we rushed her to emergency. They sent her home saying it wasn't so. Thursday night she had bad cramping which to me appeared to be labor! So again, we took her to emergency. Again they said, not so. Discharged her and before we could leave the hospital, she started bleeding. They said she was miscarrying. She was admitted, but they said she was not miscarrying but going into early labor. At four months. She ended up losing the babies, there were two, she was carrying twins. Twin boys. Both babies did not make it. It was a great shock, to all of us. They were developing correctly we were told and they had no idea why this happened. I think I am going back to work Wednesday. Kinda numb, still in a daze, but I think its okay to go. I've slept most of today away, not wanting to really do anything. I was supposed to go out tonight but was glad he didn't call.
I am so glad to have God in my life. A higher power that I can count on. One I can lean on and trust to help us all through. I have a lot of folks praying for my daughter to help get her through and to fight any depression that may try to set in. She was just getting used to the idea of being a mom. God must have other plans for her. God has not failed me or my family and I pray that we just keep going through. I haven't been to my meetings since all this began, I am looking forward to a meeting this week. I still may not make it if my daughter isn't feeling well. She also had to have a blood transfusion this past Sunday due to her loss of blood during the delivery. And you know, I think God was telling us this was coming. She was having dreams and I had one too about her losing the baby she was carrying. Only it was two!
Her father, my ex - seldom one to say something uplifting, upset me while we were talking about it Monday evening. I can't believe the crap that comes out of his mouth! I think he feels we should be more upset than we are. But yet he didn't go see her the last two days because he didn't feel grief for the babies? I don't get it. But I stopped myself short of going off on him and just ended the conversation. I am reminded of why I couldn't stand to be his woman many a time, he never could just talk anything out. He'd get stressed easily and just seem to get all loopy or lost. Unable to talk about any issue. I felt he was avoiding whatever the issue was that required his involvement or action! It was so infuriating and frustrating to hear him just trying to end it and get out of it! I am glad I can vent here. This feels good and it isn't harming him or belittling him in anyway. I did vent to a friend but I just needed someone to listen and not comment. I am so grateful for the ability to just let him be the way he is and stop allowing it to affect me.
Today, I am so grateful for my program!
I am thankful that even during this stressful event, I can still apply my program and be peaceful and serene, even though it takes work. I can Let go and Let God, and Live and Let Live. He(my ex) can freely be who he is and I can be okay with that today. Even if it reminds me of where I was just over a year ago. But that in itself isn't so bad, tells me how far I've come since then too. I can be grateful that my codependency doesn't have the grip it did just a year ago. I can be thankful my beautiful daughter is getting better. She looks better, I can tell she feels better. I can thank God for my two girls and the fact that they are just maturing at a better rate than I did. I thank God They are able to take care of themselves. I thank God I took them to church while they were young so they also know God. I thank God I have these two girls to go through with me. And the support of all my family in the program, including those of you who read my blog!
And I must end...Work tomorrow...Back to life as usual...Kinda.
I am so glad to have God in my life. A higher power that I can count on. One I can lean on and trust to help us all through. I have a lot of folks praying for my daughter to help get her through and to fight any depression that may try to set in. She was just getting used to the idea of being a mom. God must have other plans for her. God has not failed me or my family and I pray that we just keep going through. I haven't been to my meetings since all this began, I am looking forward to a meeting this week. I still may not make it if my daughter isn't feeling well. She also had to have a blood transfusion this past Sunday due to her loss of blood during the delivery. And you know, I think God was telling us this was coming. She was having dreams and I had one too about her losing the baby she was carrying. Only it was two!
Her father, my ex - seldom one to say something uplifting, upset me while we were talking about it Monday evening. I can't believe the crap that comes out of his mouth! I think he feels we should be more upset than we are. But yet he didn't go see her the last two days because he didn't feel grief for the babies? I don't get it. But I stopped myself short of going off on him and just ended the conversation. I am reminded of why I couldn't stand to be his woman many a time, he never could just talk anything out. He'd get stressed easily and just seem to get all loopy or lost. Unable to talk about any issue. I felt he was avoiding whatever the issue was that required his involvement or action! It was so infuriating and frustrating to hear him just trying to end it and get out of it! I am glad I can vent here. This feels good and it isn't harming him or belittling him in anyway. I did vent to a friend but I just needed someone to listen and not comment. I am so grateful for the ability to just let him be the way he is and stop allowing it to affect me.
Today, I am so grateful for my program!
I am thankful that even during this stressful event, I can still apply my program and be peaceful and serene, even though it takes work. I can Let go and Let God, and Live and Let Live. He(my ex) can freely be who he is and I can be okay with that today. Even if it reminds me of where I was just over a year ago. But that in itself isn't so bad, tells me how far I've come since then too. I can be grateful that my codependency doesn't have the grip it did just a year ago. I can be thankful my beautiful daughter is getting better. She looks better, I can tell she feels better. I can thank God for my two girls and the fact that they are just maturing at a better rate than I did. I thank God They are able to take care of themselves. I thank God I took them to church while they were young so they also know God. I thank God I have these two girls to go through with me. And the support of all my family in the program, including those of you who read my blog!
And I must end...Work tomorrow...Back to life as usual...Kinda.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Flying too close to the flame??? Again?
A close friend just mentioned I am spending lots of time with my ex again. I am not spending time with him. I am talking to him again - a lot. And, he is apologizing and crying and all that kinda thing. No, I am not thinking of taking him back. I do know why he is calling me, she's gone right now. She will be back and it isn't me contacting him, and things are different now. Boy! If that didn't sound defensive! But, we can actually talk about what happened between us and both of us know it was meant to happen. So instead of getting upset about what she says this time, I can look at me and evaluate what's going on, if there is any truth to what she says. And there isn't. We do share recovery and that is almost our entire conversation each time we talk, besides the kids troubles and happenings. Yes, he does throw in his - can we do anything line. If we are together, he doesn't touch me. I refuse, and yes, he gets upset and pouts. Not trying to show it to me though. Then he says he knows he shouldn't ask, but he does anyway. Well, I was informed his mom was out of town for a week or so, so if I get lonely, I could call. I haven't talked to him all week except once. And it wasn't about being lonely it was again about whatever he is revealing to his therapist and feels he wants to share with me I guess? It is some pretty disturbing stuff I knew somewhat a little about when I met him, but I had no idea how bad it was.
And you know what? While he shared these things with me, he mentioned something that he had previously told me but I thought nothing about. He described an incident that brought back to my memory my past abuse. The issue that bothers me about my kids to this day. Well, it isn't the exact same issue, but it just seems like me needing to deal with this past abuse keeps coming up again. When he previously shared it, I didn't think of his experience as abuse, but it is. Like I was numb to it or didn't recognize it as abuse since I feel it happens to everyone. Only now is it really coming clear since I've been in the Al-Anon program. And I remember how someone shared with me that codependents sometimes think we are responsible for our own abuses, even at the hands of someone else. I thought, no, I'd never feel like that. But I do, I know it wasn't right for that person to do as they did, but I feel like I could have stopped it at any time and didn't! Now I know that it is what it was - abuse. Not my fault, I was young, very young and the person responsible was an adult. As a matter of fact, since then, I kept such a close eye on my girls, especially with this man. I taught them to say something if anyone does put their hands on them inappropriately. It didn't matter who the person was, it was wrong. My abuse was not near what many others go thru, but it still has an affect on me to this day! And no, I haven't yet sought counseling...I know I need to...soon. The fear I felt a couple of weeks ago was not pleasant. I don't want to have that reaction with any and every man who comes into contact with my kids. My grown kids...
But maybe I am flying too close to the flame again. Well, this time I don't feel the pull like I did before. And if I again get to feeling like I want to see him or be with him, I know it will pass if I just ask God for His help. I hear it from those I share this with, if I hear some concern in a comment or like my friend who says it straight out, I listen to it and examine me. The person that I used to be is still too fresh to be non-chalant about it. It's only been a year or so. I used to be offended by such a comment. Now I just feel its God prodding me to get back in line. To "Watch it". At least I can look at myself honestly now. And, I know my culture plays a strong part in it too. I am very submissive, especially with men. I still try not to offend someone's feelings, especially if I am not familiar with them (which does not apply to my ex! I offend him quite often - now, joking though - but not really!). But I heard and I feel I am responding appropriately. In a way that will keep me safe and taking care of me. In another area, I am not doing that! I need sleep and here I am! Good night!
Jazz Fest anyone??? http://www.kansascitymusic.com/festival/
And you know what? While he shared these things with me, he mentioned something that he had previously told me but I thought nothing about. He described an incident that brought back to my memory my past abuse. The issue that bothers me about my kids to this day. Well, it isn't the exact same issue, but it just seems like me needing to deal with this past abuse keeps coming up again. When he previously shared it, I didn't think of his experience as abuse, but it is. Like I was numb to it or didn't recognize it as abuse since I feel it happens to everyone. Only now is it really coming clear since I've been in the Al-Anon program. And I remember how someone shared with me that codependents sometimes think we are responsible for our own abuses, even at the hands of someone else. I thought, no, I'd never feel like that. But I do, I know it wasn't right for that person to do as they did, but I feel like I could have stopped it at any time and didn't! Now I know that it is what it was - abuse. Not my fault, I was young, very young and the person responsible was an adult. As a matter of fact, since then, I kept such a close eye on my girls, especially with this man. I taught them to say something if anyone does put their hands on them inappropriately. It didn't matter who the person was, it was wrong. My abuse was not near what many others go thru, but it still has an affect on me to this day! And no, I haven't yet sought counseling...I know I need to...soon. The fear I felt a couple of weeks ago was not pleasant. I don't want to have that reaction with any and every man who comes into contact with my kids. My grown kids...
But maybe I am flying too close to the flame again. Well, this time I don't feel the pull like I did before. And if I again get to feeling like I want to see him or be with him, I know it will pass if I just ask God for His help. I hear it from those I share this with, if I hear some concern in a comment or like my friend who says it straight out, I listen to it and examine me. The person that I used to be is still too fresh to be non-chalant about it. It's only been a year or so. I used to be offended by such a comment. Now I just feel its God prodding me to get back in line. To "Watch it". At least I can look at myself honestly now. And, I know my culture plays a strong part in it too. I am very submissive, especially with men. I still try not to offend someone's feelings, especially if I am not familiar with them (which does not apply to my ex! I offend him quite often - now, joking though - but not really!). But I heard and I feel I am responding appropriately. In a way that will keep me safe and taking care of me. In another area, I am not doing that! I need sleep and here I am! Good night!
Jazz Fest anyone??? http://www.kansascitymusic.com/festival/
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Needing Direction!!!
Today I am glad I have a program to apply to my daily dealings. Sometimes folks you work with can rub you the wrong way and, if they don't get the response they were looking for, they will try harder rather than quit. I guess misery loves company. Anyway, I see an opportunity opening up and I am not sure if it is the one I am supposed to take, so I am needing prayer for my God's direction. As always I am lacking in skills needed to fit a certain job description and it intimidates me to try. I am feeling this intimidation right now. I want to try since I am so bored with my current position, and I always excel at what I have done professionally, but I am still lacking in a couple of areas. Anyway, I just want to know if this is an opportunity I am to take. I guess if God wants me there he'll give it to me. Then if not, he won't put me there. Maybe that is my answer! LOL! Whenever I ask for direction, I don't always get a certain answer or I could be confusing myself in some way. It still sounds interesting but comes with a lot more responsibility. I've been avoiding that but this feels different for some reason, hopefully not just because I am bored to death in my position!!!! Thanks to those who do lift me up to the HP for my direction on this matter!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Miami!!!! I'm going!!!
Well, just talked to my high school friend about going to Miami in November! We are going!!! We have chosen to drive since flying seems to cost so much at this time. $1000 - $800 range! Too much! Good thing I can drive a spell! I can last at least six hours at a time! But I do need to be rested and comfortable! Now hopefully, no one has asked for the same time block off!!!! I just need to schedule that time off! Then I will be set to go!!!! Yipeee!!! Please let it all work out! We would get to stay in her new home near the beach! Shopping and whatever else she has in store for us! I haven't really spent time with her since she left for the Army. So that will be a pleasure!
I am feeling a little lonely in the house, just a little and just tonight really. I enjoy the solitude but not for very long! I kinda wish I had a roommate sometimes just to have someone around, but I've never done that. I think it may be kinda weird. And I may still consider it. Who knows. Enough for now. I don't like feeling weird like this, I feel something is wrong, but when I really think about it, there really isn't anything wrong. Weird, I know. Anyway, Sex and the City is about to start so, adios!!!!
I am feeling a little lonely in the house, just a little and just tonight really. I enjoy the solitude but not for very long! I kinda wish I had a roommate sometimes just to have someone around, but I've never done that. I think it may be kinda weird. And I may still consider it. Who knows. Enough for now. I don't like feeling weird like this, I feel something is wrong, but when I really think about it, there really isn't anything wrong. Weird, I know. Anyway, Sex and the City is about to start so, adios!!!!
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Busy Weekend
I have had some good times this weekend. I went Salsa dancing Friday night, well, Salsa learning actually! The ladies I was with taught me basics and then some one asked me to dance, and that was the entire rest of the evening. The same stuff that happened to me in Chicago happened to me again Friday night. This one guy danced with me all night - no one else was asking though, and then at the end of the night he was thinking I was his woman. We had just met that night too. So, when it happened again, I felt I was better prepared to handle it this time. This guy was a little more well-behaved than the last one, although pretty drunk. So he said whatever he felt, but kept his hands to himself. And, since I was driving, I couldn't drink and he didn't like that either. So he did keep asking me if I needed a drink. But I was good. I know me and my abilities very well as far as drinking goes! I never really was a drinker and so it takes only a single drink to cause me to be afraid to drive and if I am afraid, it ain't gonna happen! So I thank God for that knowledge and ability to know my limits in that area. I still had a good time though. I did dance all night and that's what I wanted.
Saturday was the Ethnic Festival here in KC and my family and I always go. We are even on the commercial that ran this year and last year for it. We were just enjoying the Fest last year and got taped and so we got run on the news last year and in the commercial this year! Woo hoo! I am a celebrity! Ha ha! Anyway, my family and I started getting calls when they started running the ads this year. Funny! It was great! You can try foods from 45 different countries. I love trying new foods. I am a risk taker in that area! I will try almost anything! I had a ball and was full trying so many different foods. Here is a link to an article in our paper about the fest:
http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/news/15315309.htm?source=yahoodist&content=ksc_news
One of the highlights was Saturday, when I was leaving the fest. My daughter and the grandbaby were walking ahead of me and I kept fanning the baby since he was fussy and very hot. I tripped and he laughed that adorable little baby giggle! Of course, I needed to hear more of it so I started jumping around causing him to giggle all the way to the car! That was my wonderful moment of the day! Man, I sound like such a grandma!!! I can hardly wait for the next one to arrive!
Well, no Reggaefest for me this Sunday, it costed too much! so that was out! I have a friend whose band was there but I guess it will have to wait until next year when I can plan for that cost! Still hoping to go to Miami in November and another trip to Chicago next year!
Saturday I went back to the Ethnic Fest with my cousin and his wife. They had a great time, I was so glad they came, they hadn't been to one before. So we stayed until 10 and went to the Isle of Capri for some drinks and trivia. It was a pretty quiet evening. But I had a good time with them too! I just adore his wife and I love spending time with them. He is about to be sent to Iraq for 18 months with the National Guard! This is my favorite cousin we've always been very close, I hate to see him go. I can't imagine if my husband were to go overseas to fight for our freedoms! I can't imagine how that feels, just compared to what I feel about it. I do love her dearly. I will be checking on here and keeping in touch. We don't live very far apart so it will be easy to do so. He has 7 children, I can't imagine how they feel.
Saturday was the Ethnic Festival here in KC and my family and I always go. We are even on the commercial that ran this year and last year for it. We were just enjoying the Fest last year and got taped and so we got run on the news last year and in the commercial this year! Woo hoo! I am a celebrity! Ha ha! Anyway, my family and I started getting calls when they started running the ads this year. Funny! It was great! You can try foods from 45 different countries. I love trying new foods. I am a risk taker in that area! I will try almost anything! I had a ball and was full trying so many different foods. Here is a link to an article in our paper about the fest:
http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/news/15315309.htm?source=yahoodist&content=ksc_news
One of the highlights was Saturday, when I was leaving the fest. My daughter and the grandbaby were walking ahead of me and I kept fanning the baby since he was fussy and very hot. I tripped and he laughed that adorable little baby giggle! Of course, I needed to hear more of it so I started jumping around causing him to giggle all the way to the car! That was my wonderful moment of the day! Man, I sound like such a grandma!!! I can hardly wait for the next one to arrive!
Well, no Reggaefest for me this Sunday, it costed too much! so that was out! I have a friend whose band was there but I guess it will have to wait until next year when I can plan for that cost! Still hoping to go to Miami in November and another trip to Chicago next year!
Saturday I went back to the Ethnic Fest with my cousin and his wife. They had a great time, I was so glad they came, they hadn't been to one before. So we stayed until 10 and went to the Isle of Capri for some drinks and trivia. It was a pretty quiet evening. But I had a good time with them too! I just adore his wife and I love spending time with them. He is about to be sent to Iraq for 18 months with the National Guard! This is my favorite cousin we've always been very close, I hate to see him go. I can't imagine if my husband were to go overseas to fight for our freedoms! I can't imagine how that feels, just compared to what I feel about it. I do love her dearly. I will be checking on here and keeping in touch. We don't live very far apart so it will be easy to do so. He has 7 children, I can't imagine how they feel.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Fun Weekend Planned!
This weekend is going to be very busy. I am going to a Salsa club Friday night after my Al-Anon meeting and a few of the ladies will be going with me. I hope we like it. It is a new place and none of us has ever been there! Then there is the Ethnic Festival this weekend. You can try all kinds of different foods from many different countries there, we go every year! I love it, my whole family loves it! I like trying new foods. Then there is the Reggae Fest too, although, I haven't heard anything about it! Even if not! I will go back to the Ethnic Festival on Sunday! Yeah! I gotta call friends and family and make a big outing of it! More later!!!!
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