Roundup info and Birthday plans!!!

Yes, the RoundUp is a good time to be had! I didn't know anyone last year when I went and I went with the lady who runs our Al-Anon meeting. I went with her and her husband on Friday. They didn't stay long but I stayed until midnight. I stayed for a late meeting and the two speakers that day. There was lots to do. And lots of vendors and stuff to see and buy. I checked out all the AA books and devotionals I had a chance to look at. I will probably buy a Big Book this year. Or some other AA publication. I went back all weekend long. And that was alone! Saturday most of the day I was there except for lunch which was pretty pricey for me so I went out to get some lunch. I went to the dance and only danced a couple of times. I was afraid to ask anyone, since no one was asking me! So finally I did, and met someone who knew folks who attended the AA meeting in my same building. That was pretty cool! He was pretty young too. Too bad! Too young for me, but that is probably good! LOL! I was there Sunday and took my youngest daughter who liked it as well. It sounds like gossip to her, so she liked the stories she heard from the AA speaker that morning. Needless to say, I was hooked. It was great! I look forward to it this year again! If I could figure out how to post a file or something I could post the registration flyer and all that so you can see what the agenda is and the speakers who will be there.

It is cold here again this week. Its supposed to be frigid for the next two weeks! I don't like the cold. I really don't like it! I am taking a vacation day for my birthday. And it is supposed to be cold!!! Hopefully, I can spend it with the new guy I am seeing. It should be a busy weekend. Or maybe not! That maybe nice too! We have planned to see a new movie that Friday! So plans are already in the works.

Birthdays, Sponsors & Roundups!!!

Friday's meeting was really packed! The table was full and I arrived late and had to find a place along the wall! It was a cozy seat right next to the heater! So at least I wasn't cold! I usually am in there at this time of year! I welcomed the ESH from those who shared. And the appreciation from those who didn't but shared their appreciation to those of us who did! We have a few newcomers and they seem to be really enjoying the meetings - they keep coming back!!! LOL

My sponsor wasn't there due to the weather here. We had an ice storm the week before and then the next weekend we had snow! But it remained so cold a lot of the ice didn't melt. So I didn't really expect her to show. She lives an hour away from here and I'm sure it is even harder to get around out there! Further north! I think I will give her a call tonight! We don't talk as much as we should, I know, but I always learn from her sharing. I need to continue with my fourth step too. It kinda got put on the back burner around the holidays and now things are slowing down again.

My birthday is next month!!! Hope things happen for me to have a really good one! Our CodA group will be celebrating our two year anniversary for the founding of the group! And one of us will be having her two year birthday with us as well! Two celebrations in one!!! We are going to a soul food buffet for our celebration. I love their food!! It is excellent!!!

My daughter's birthday was Monday, she's now 22!!! Can you believe it!!! I am 38 (39 this yr), I have two grown girls and a grandbaby! It is still sinking in! That little melt - my - heart baby boy!!! Oh!!! My daughter had a good time and we will be doing cake and ice cream this weekend! We waited since we had some kind of cinnamon dessert at the pizza place! She absolutely loves pizza. We all had a good time last night.

The Sunflower Roundup is coming up in February too! I loved it last year, I think I will go again this year! I love hearing the stories! They are truly amazing!!! Very inspirational too! Hope a few more of my fellow Al-Anons go, it was really good last year! I am looking forward to it this year!

Yet another change to be made...

Well, my vehicle is just about done I think! It's been faithful to me for a few years, I love this car. But its got to go! I am glad it keeps on making it though. I keep calling myself taking care of it but I am not so good at that. I am just barely starting to take care of me better! I'm gonna miss it when its gone!!! The seats are plush like just right firm pillows, it rides pretty smooth even with all its problems. Well, not all its problems, just a costly transmission I am not willing to fix! I wish I had the money to put into it to restore it. I would love to have a low rider that looks like this!!!! It is in pretty darn good shape though. Only a few things as far as the body need to be done. And just keeping it clean and running properly. Wah, I do need something more economical. That is the main reason I want out of it. At the over $3 a gallon of gas period, I thought I was gonna go broke! If there was a bus that would take me even any where close to my job I'd be on it!!! This baby would be parked and I'd be on that bus daily!!!

And young men really like this car. I've had so many offers to buy it when I didn't want to sell it. And it draws a lot of attention. So much that they like trying to take it and got it once. Usually they only get my CDs! I always put on my club no matter how short my stop may be. I'm gonna miss it!!!

Just feeling grateful

I love my face 2 face groups that I attend. I attended my CodA group this week, my Al-Anon group was cancelled due to the weather Friday. We got hit with freezing rain, sleet all day long on Friday, so no one came out. But at the CodA meeting, we discussed a work situation I was dealing with. I want to stand up for me, but in this case I think, it may not be the wisest thing to do! I could loose my job, and I am pretty angry about it. But I don't see any change that could arise from me saying anything. I've heard many stories too about how this situation will not change. All due to higher up execs and friends and all that kinda thing. I got some very good advice that I could handle doing in this case.

This is what I love about my f2f groups, I can immediately address my concerns that others may have gone through, and their ESH makes me able to figure out what to do when I am at a standstill. They had a question for me too concerning my last post, about the new guy. It was, "You were waiting for what????!!!" LOL, I thought it was funny, that is all I could do - laugh!
I love my groups. I am grateful for the family I have in both those circles. I feel so safe and so accepting and accepted of them! I love the contact I maintain between the different members and I. I like talking with them, sharing with them, and feeling the love I feel from them. They are great!

Today I guess, in the absence of my meeting last night, I am just feeling grateful for what my program of recovery has brought me today! I love my programs and what each has taught me and continues to teach me. May I stay ever so more willing to change as I grow older!

My New Year's Eve

I forgot to post my New Year's Eve night happenings!!! It was quite different this year! One thing I did that was an as usual thing was to go to the church event we were having. But we had a singer I absolutely love! So I had to go! And my friend from work and lots of her singles group from her church were coming to see him too! They had no New Years Watch service this year. So, I had also planned to leave church early to hang out with another friend at a local restuarant/bar. I hadn't been there before and I really wanted to go to a party this year since I normally don't do that. And I wanted to have a drink too (I am an Al-Anon - if you didn't know) for once on New Year's Eve at a party or something like that. Basically, I wanted to do something different this year and I was dead set on making it happen. I did have a few options but things just didn't work out that way!

My cousin called me the same day folks were calling me to invite me or ask me what I was doing for New Year's eve. He was back from NJ for the holidays and he needed to go back to the armory by 2:00 am New Year's morning! So, if I drink, I know I can't drive, I am no good even after one (strong one). So since he needed a ride that basically cut my option to drink. So that was out! No drinking for the night. I had to pick him up at 1 am. And church ended at 12:30 or so.

I wasn't going to stay for the full service at church. I was going to leave early to catch up to another friend. I ended up staying at the church until 12:15 then left to go to my cousins house! I got a call from a friend who was near Westport (our party area here in KC) who needed a ride. So after getting my cousin, we went to get my friend. Who had been sitting at least an hour and it was cold that night too! So my cousin, his wife, my friend and I took him to the armory. NO one was there of course when we got there. So we had to wait. Then the new guy had called to invite me to his friends get together he always goes to. So I told him if he was still there, I would join him as well. But after my cousin left and my friend got home. My friend happens to live in that part of town anyway. And my cousin's wife wanted to come too so she wouldn't have to think about my cousin leaving, and we have a good time together anyway.

So we dropped off my friend, and headed for the new guys get together! He didn't give me correct directions and the party was over by the time I was headed in the right direction. So now we needed gas. He met us at the closest QT and gave me a hug. Then he asked for a ride home - he was driving a friend's truck home for him who had been drinking. He always does this for him he says. Anyway, okay, so now I need to follow him and give him a ride back north to his place and then take my cousin home back to KCK! I was all over the city all night long! I actually don't mind the long drives and can drive straight thru for five hours at a time. I was thinking from the time my friend called me, man, this night is not turning out quite like I had hoped! But the new guy ended up not needing a ride, so I finally took my cousin's wife home and I got home about 4:15. Went to bed about 4:30! I was SO tired by then and was so glad to be home!

But even though the night didn't go any way I had planned, I had fun driving everyone to their destinations and I still got to see everyone I wanted to see that night! Very different and I still had fun. Maybe God didn't really want me to have that drink, huh? That's what I was thinking. And, I had plenty of coolers in my fridge so I could drink later(can you tell I'm a heavy drinker? COOLERS!). And they are still in there today. Just sitting, getting old - if that happens. They probably will sit there until my birthday now - next month. I think I've had them since Christmas.

Today I am also grateful for:
The chance to help out my cousin and my friend that evening. My cousin almost let me out of it that night. Actually, he did. But I really wanted to do it for him, so I insisted he let me take him. It was my chance to see him just before he left for NJ and later to Afghanistan. We will not see him prior to his leaving for Afghanistan. Now we won't see him until 2008.
My ability to ask for what I want when I feel really strongly about it - now. I didn't feel I had that option before.
My higher power, God, who keeps my butt in line when I try so hard at times to do my own thing. For His ability to change me when I still think it can't happen.

New Year - New things

Well, this year is starting out pretty good so far. I've just been so busy. My oldest moved out Friday, and it was kind of sudden. I don't think she was planning to, but then the opportunity came up and she's gone. I thought my place would be a little more empty, but its not. Which means I have lots of crap!!!! I need to straighten up and throw out my crap!!! Well, I think I was placing my cluttered life on my kids? I think I was! Not all of it, but a really good portion of it. So reality hits me on that one!!! LOL.

I haven't heard much from my ex since Christmas either. That was when he told me he was engaged. But since this new guy has been in my life, I haven't really much thought about it until today. My girls I know are going by to visit with him. They mentioned it to me recently.

And the new guy, I am very comfortable with him. Very comfortable. Unfortunately, I jumped into the physical way before I wanted to. I did want to, just not so soon, but I was just always wanting it a lot. And that was way prior to meeting him. I was fighting off lust all the time. Not that I am into casual sex with anyone, I am not. It was pretty overwhelming for me to feel the way I was feeling. But, you know, now this conflicts with the way I think my religious beliefs say I should live. I wanted to uphold that standard but it was getting so much harder on me - or maybe I just think that it was. Or I just want what I want. And my program says I can find out what I want for my life and its okay for me to be happy. And I still am happy, but I feel very convicted still due to my religious beliefs. I've wanted this for quite some time and it was just getting worse. I mentioned to a friend about finding a lover(joking but not!) to fill that void for a while. Even though I feel its wrong too. My friend told me to pace myself...well, to me that meant wait. And that was not long ago. That went right out the window on New Year's Day when I visited the new guy. Well, it wouldn't have if I held out on the kiss. That was the start of it. It was kinda funny too though. I kept thinking to stop in my mind but was physically doing the opposite. But one thing I do remember...I was wanting to not upset him by stopping. Even though I did actually say I didn't want to go so far. It made me think about my motives, but still, I was wanting to, so its hard for me to say I was trying to please him or just doing what I wanted. But I tell you one thing, I didn't regret it for long! Maybe the next day tops! Then it was not a big deal anymore until church time! Well, middle of the week, then it started to bug me again-due to my convictions. I do welcome feedback on this issue in my life....feel free! I would love to hear from you all on this.

Today I am grateful for:
My girls, making their paths, hoping they do better than I did.
My dogs, for their happy faces and attitudes when I've been gone too long!!!! Which is a lot lately.
The new guy, some one who treats me better than any man I have come to know so far. And his direct way he communicates with me. My comfort level with him.
The New Year, with its new circumstances and more changes that aren't so hard to accept anymore!

Touching Bases

Hi All!
I am touching bases with you all. I am busy with my family and my new friend. I think things should be calming down pretty soon. I'll be back to fill you in!

Miss you all!!!
~MsManna~

Playing Catch Up!

Well, I'm back! Thanks for the notes from you all to say "Hi! what's up?" I appreciate it! I had no idea I hadn't blogged in so long. I met a new guy and I think we've been on the phone nightly since I handed over my number. That's been a few weeks now. Things have been crazy at work too, I think worse, but I also think I am making it harder on me by thinking about it so much while I am at work, and that does make me crazy at times. I don't think they want me there anymore and they seem to be very picky about everything I do. But my job is getting done and done very well, so that is confusing to me! Why when I do so well, are they starting to nag me on everything? I have to be perfect it seems now. True, I was not the ideal employee even up to a few months ago. I have been sick more often this year than in the past TEN! But that amounts to 8 days! Too much for the company. But I am still doing what I am supposed to do and doing it way better than before!

Anyway, I think they want me gone for whatever reason. I have accepted that too. Hell, I've been wanting out anyway! I don't see much in the way of opportunity there for me at all. And no respect for my position either. Normally, they would have a lot of turnover in this position. Until a CodA took the job!!! LOL! So I need to step up my searching and move on. I didn't get the last one I was sure I was going to get. But it didn't feel like it anyway. All went well, but just didn't feel comfortable or like a good fit. I pray I find something I like doing and pays me well. This one does neither! That's my New Year's Wish, or should I say goal.

Now the new guy... He's very laid back, not a dancer(hmmm, I don't' know about this part!), doesn't really do much(not that it is a bad thing), and loves to go to the movies! He is on a budget, and made that known immediately, he has an eleven year old daughter. I thought that was funny about the budget! But hey, so am I, so am I! He's very nice to me, doesn't even hint (so far) at anything out of line or off limits, unless I started it! And now that I think about it, I did! I opened a door I didn't mean to yet, but he hasn't kept it open. I think he is actually a bit shy, and I am not. I kinda like that, its not been like that with others except the other guy who kept wanting to see me! Then he kinda came out of that shell and asked for stuff I had no intention of beginning to give! So that fizzled out after the NO. This guy seems pretty direct even though he is shy! Well, this one feels very different. I hope he is. I hope I handle him well. I don't think that sounded right! LOL! Anyway, I have a feeling I will be learning a lot in this next relationship. Well, dating relationship. I am not sure I am ready for a boyfriend yet. But this one is a nice start! Maybe I can catch up reading tonight!

Today I am grateful for my program:
I was in a very different place at this time last year. Acceptance is wonderful...
My new friends in the program are great! We share such common bonds and I miss you guys when I do not hear from you or see you. I do check in to read though!
I miss my friends I haven't seen or heard from a while, hope you are having a good Christmas season!
Today I am thankful for my recovery!

Pondering Acceptance

I was just thinking about how far I've come from last year at the time of my break-up. I have quite a ways to go yet, and I am only at the beginning but, I've come a long way in a short time. I was considering the fact that with all that has happened, I am still greatful and still enjoying the journey my life is now taking.

Just last night, I attended a concert of a family member here in town. My ex was there and his girlfriend. In the previous month before the concert, he would call me and if we talked about the upcoming concert, he reminded me that his girlfriend would be attending and we could not talk to each other in her presence. His exact words were, "Act as if you do not know me". Excuse me? I took it to mean don't speak. He even told this to the kids - our kids! Of course, they did not like it at all, what, now he can't talk to his own children? Ridiculous! Anyway, he didn't get that direct until the day before the concert. So up until then I thought he was joking. Anyway, Sunday morning he calls and asks me my opinion concerning his request of us. So I told him I thought it was ridiculous. Well, a Hello is okay, but nothing more. Still ridiculous. I am always civil with her and never show her any attitude - I accept her purpose in my life and in his actually. I know I am where I should be and he is too. So being face to face with her is no longer hard for me. If it gets a little physical between them I still have trouble, but I don't tend to chat long enough for that to happen around me. And she does try to show her territory - but she doesn't know that she really doesn't need to. But that's her insecurity - and his I guess. He's told me I did not show enough jealously over him.

Anyway, I was more nervous than previous times running into them. I had a pimple! It is the chocolate season! And my body (face!) doesn't handle it well if I over indulge - and I did over the Thanksgiving weekend and it still is healing now! I wasn't dressed as nicely as they were, and before they showed up I didn't care! I was sitting with his family and they love and adore the girls and I to no end! They came in late, sat away from everyone, and not once did she seem happy. But I didn't see that, I saw how she was dressed. Dressed up and me in tennis shoes, a nice sweater, but in tennis shoes and a break out still healing on my face! All outside stuff. All vanity. The whole time, the girls and I, along with his family, were laughing, talking, yelling at the stage, cracking jokes on each other and discussing business at times, and just having a good time. A smile on my face all evening. It was odd and I hoped we wouldn't come face to face, but we did. Hellos were exchanged and he did talk with the girls. She was silent and actually so was I, just waiting for them to finish. It was odd. But at that time I could really see her face and how seemingly uncomfortable or unhappy she was. Meanwhile, his family is coming up to me and the girls, greeting us, hugging us, kissing us, talking with us, all kinds of affection and recognition being shown to us. Normal stuff. That is when I finally stopped tripping off how I looked which was not bad, just casual. He even seemed uncomfortable. I actually felt sad for her.

I was comfortable. It just fell off me instantly. I have accepted our situations, I am happy with just me and my girls, mostly happy with the me I've discovered. And, did I mention I was happy? No, all is not well in my life. I have found that I caused a lot of my own problems - imagine that! But I am still happy and grateful for my current position. And I think it shows!

Earlier at church on Sunday, I was attending the last session of a class I love. The book we went through talks about dealing with offenses and how God wants us to deal with them. Kind of "turning the other cheek" mentality. And it isn't as I may make it sound. Not letting people run over you, but learning to let things go we can't control (sound familiar?). It was an excellent book. Not taking things personally. Living in truth and speaking the truth in love when needed. It has taught me to deal more effectively with offenses against me and while going through it, I was tested on the matter a few times! With increasing intensity from test to test. Not easy and not always handling things well or correctly. But with baby steps or leaps and bounds, I did get through with a lot of hard work. I feel like I work at applying the program and this book just spoke on the very specific area of offenses. It was a great help. It took acceptance to a very specific area of my life and one which many of us tend to just give up on when it comes to dealing with others. We get offended and start to write them off as purposefully trying to hurt us. And most times it has nothing to do with us at all!

It's not about you, its about me. And I am not God.

Today, I am as happy as I allow myself to be!

Sick Daze

Sick again! I got the sickness that is being passed around the family finally. I think the alcohol I had the day before Thanksgiving is what kept it away for a while. Then I saw the G-baby Tuesday and was sick the next day. He was still sick and I didn't know it. Of course I was all over him! I can't stand being sick but I like the fact that I got to stay home a couple days. But it was so uncomfortable and boring. I discovered some things about me in the process.

I still, even though I was sick, tried to figure out a way, for my daughter with grandbaby, to get him to his doctor's appointment today!!! Me sick, barely able to make it to the bathroom without stumbling, was still worried about her getting what she needed done! My two girls really don't communicate very well sometimes and I see that in myself and my family members. I finally realized what I was doing and stopped myself! Of course their father for some reason just cannot help them recently. I just don't get that. Here in the Midwest, we've been iced over and then snowed on a little bit. Our area didn't get hit too hard but we did get both still. My oldest daughter's car was not buried but it did get frozen shut. And me being sick, (not that if I was well would I have prepared for it any sooner) did not get any ice melt so our driveway was, and still is, a sheet of ice. Then snow covered that. Wednesday we got the ice, Thursday we got snow. So she was stuck and was supposed to take my youngest to the doctor appointment on today. So for whatever reason, he would not come dig her out - I chose not to argue, he has his reasons I suppose. And my oldest doesn't really act on her own half the time. So my youngest still didn't have a ride as far as it seemed.

I left it alone finally, but not until I suggested how to find herself a ride. Of course, the word spread that I was not going to give her a ride or let them use my car (which is horrible in the snow-rear wheel drive) and I was really sick, I couldn't do anything. So my ex calls, wants to know what the deal is and then I just explain. M is stuck in the driveway, I can't help, she needs help or the other needs a ride. So then he offered the youngest a ride. Do you know how relieved I was? I think you may! LOL! Still trying to work stuff out for others but sick as I don't know what! Achy all over and stomach cramping and all that going on.

I also took a personality test, it actually described me almost to the tee! Except that I am in recovery now, so some of those traits are actually already changed or changing! But mainly still described me as a Giver. So funny, I never really believed those things like that. I did take a step to meeting someone new today. I invited a new male aquaintence (who may be interested in dating me) and his daughter to the annual Christmas play at my church. He accepted with out hesitation. I don't know why I am nervous about it. I guess that is my norm. But it should be a nice evening.

Today I am thankful for:
Two days off even though they were miserable.
The rest I caught up on or needed.
My program.
Friends in the program I have been bugging due to me being bored. And they just take it.
Or they bear it! LOL
An outlet like this to rant on! To get it all out! Phew!

Sick again! I got the sickness that is being passed around the family finally. I think the alcohol I had the day before Thanksgiving is what kept it away for a while. Then I saw the G-baby Tuesday and was sick the next day. He was still sick and I didn't know it. Of course I was all over him! I can't stand being sick but I like the fact that I got to stay home a couple days. But it was so uncomfortable and boring. I discovered some things about me in the process.

I still, even though I was sick, tried to figure out a way, for my daughter with grandbaby, to get him to his doctor's appointment today!!! Me sick, barely able to make it to the bathroom without stumbling, was still worried about her getting what she needed done! My two girls really don't communicate very well sometimes and I see that in myself and my family members. I finally realized what I was doing and stopped myself! Of course their father for some reason just cannot help them recently. I just don't get that. Here in the Midwest, we've been iced over and then snowed on a little bit. Our area didn't get hit too hard but we did get both still. My oldest daughter's car was not buried but it did get frozen shut. And me being sick, (not that if I was well would I have prepared for it any sooner) did not get any ice melt so our driveway was, and still is, a sheet of ice. Then snow covered that. Wednesday we got the ice, Thursday we got snow. So she was stuck and was supposed to take my youngest to the doctor appointment on today. So for whatever reason, he would not come dig her out - I chose not to argue, he has his reasons I suppose. And my oldest doesn't really act on her own half the time. So my youngest still didn't have a ride as far as it seemed.

I left it alone finally, but not until I suggested how to find herself a ride. Of course, the word spread that I was not going to give her a ride or let them use my car (which is horrible in the snow-rear wheel drive) and I was really sick, I couldn't do anything. So my ex calls, wants to know what the deal is and then I just explain. M is stuck in the driveway, I can't help, she needs help or the other needs a ride. So then he offered the youngest a ride. Do you know how relieved I was? I think you may! LOL! Still trying to work stuff out for others but sick as I don't know what! Achy all over and stomach cramping and all that going on.

I also took a personality test, it actually described me almost to the tee! Except that I am in recovery now, so some of those traits are actually already changed or changing! But mainly still described me as a Giver. So funny, I never really believed those things like that. I did take a step to meeting someone new today. I invited a new male aquaintence (who may be interested in dating me) and his daughter to the annual Christmas play at my church. He accepted with out hesitation. I don't know why I am nervous about it. I guess that is my norm. But it should be a nice evening.

Today I am thankful for:
Two days off even though they were miserable.
The rest I caught up on or needed.
My program.
Friends in the program I have been bugging due to me being bored. And they just take it.
Or they bear it! LOL
An outlet like this to rant on! To get it all out! Phew!

Fessin' Up

Thank you all for your words about the loss of my cousin, thank you so much.

Sunday was pretty nice. It was quiet, calm, and church was good. And it was the last day of the long weekend. Man, today wasn't bad but it didn't go well for hardly anyone at work today. I guess no one wanted to be back today. LOL. I know I didn't!

You know, Sunday my ex showed up in church at the same service the girls and I were in. He started texting me to find out if we were there. I told him we were and then he came to join us. It didn't bother me at first, but then he kept just staring at me across the kids. I told him to behave because I know the look he gave me. And I always got it in church. Well, we all went to breakfast and then we talked a little bit before he took the kids home and I went on back to church. My class starts almost an hour after the first service. We (class) eat before the class usually.

This was a nice visit considering the way I felt he was taunting me at the funeral while we were eating. Thank goodness I was able to turn away from him at that time and stop listening. He really pissed me off Saturday. Then he came to explain why he did what he did that day. He wouldn't help me for some reason and it was his girlfriend. She keeps him paranoid I guess even though he isn't doing anything wrong - as far as it goes with me anyway! But Sunday made me want his attention, not him back, just his attention again. And in that short time! I felt uneasy and he's been on my mind. Probably due to no significant other right now. But I can handle it. I know I am exactly where I should be today. And that is with no one right now. Just God, me and my girls. Okay, and my dogs. But for once it felt uneasy and it still does, guess I need to give it to God since I haven't yet! I am glad we have a good relationship between us. And it is funny to see my girls defend me when he says something stupid or out of line. They threaten to tell his girlfriend! And they knew about Saturday and mentioned that. Too funny! Well, just wanted to fess up and maybe now I can leave it alone. Its out and I can give it away. Fess up and get rid of its hold on me! Good Night!

From Hectic to Calm

It's good to be back! I've just been so busy! Many things have happened. I did lose another family member, a cousin on my ex's side. She was very young, 23 or 24, and just had a baby. The baby was only two days old and my cousin passed away from an aneurysm (spelling?). She only had a younger brother and sister left, her mother passed away from terminal cancer two years ago this month, and her father had been shot when she was very young quite a few years ago. So there is very little left of their family. I hope my young cousins will be okay. I can't imagine it, I just can't! I will be going to the funeral in the morning.

More stuff with my youngest daughter, a little friction with my oldest, a little with my family, and a lotta stuff going on at my job that I can't stand much more of. And you know what? It makes me thankful for the program, that even though, I may not let things go immediately, I can still do it eventually. And sooner than I think if I do not give up and let my anger take over. I did kinda blow up at my oldest, but I do realize why. I just held it in for too long and the minute a situation presented itself, there I went. But I didn't feel bad afterwards, I felt good. I know she needed to hear some of it, not exactly the way I did it, but it still needed to be said.

But today I am still grateful. I am not perfect. I do not get it right most of the time, but I am still working and applying my program today. And I know it will take time for me to change all I need to change and I want to change. There was a time when I wouldn't change, accept that maybe I was wrong or not accepting the facts, and I wouldn't do what needed to be done. There is so much work to be done with me and this first year and a half is only the beginning. I am still pretty hard-headed at times or slow to change, but I want to make changes. I am taking my baby steps to get there. I am also very fearful, of what exactly, I don't yet understand. In time I will if I need to know I guess. It will be revealed.

Unfortunately, when I did blow up, my sister was there and she was not used to seeing this in me, I guess it freaked her out a little. I don't know what to think about that one. Anyway, all is well right now. Things seem to be trying to quiet down again. I went to my Friday meeting and it was a good one. So good to be back.

Call of Duty

Today was a tough one. My favorite cousin was deployed to Afghanistan today. I went to see him off and to drive his wife and kids (whom I adore and love) back home from the ceremony. I felt so unprepared for the reaction of his wife at the end of the ceremony. She told me earlier that she had been crying all week. She was angry at him, at the Army for his needing to go. She didn't want to cry. I kept telling her it was okay. That is normal, hell I wanted to cry. It just became reality today. It didn't hit me until today. She will be here while he is gone, and they have a large family. He has seven kids. One is hers and the rest are from a previous marriage and girlfriend. She will have to deal with all that and the fact that he is gone for 18 months. Overseas, she can't drive, the kids are Teens, pre-teens and a four year old! She is preparing to drive though, practicing.

She fell into my arms and cried very hard for a few minutes. She didn't want to go over to him at the end. I gently walked her over to him so she could hug him good-bye. She was a mess and me without Kleenex! Today of all days I forget the Kleenex and my camera! I did get some cell shots of the family and him and her. It really was so moving, I had to stop listening to the speeches given. Even the high-ranking officers doing the talking were choking up! If those men had cried, I would have lost it! Its a thing I have, if a man cries I lose it!

After the bus was loaded she immediately wanted to leave. She didn't want to see the bus go. So I complied, and we left. We talked about her feelings, she vented some more, and we talked about grief. She just lost her brother on Halloween and they rushed to Louisiana to the funeral. She was never told he was sick. So she's quite angry that she didn't get a chance to say good-bye. Her brother died of a heart attack, but had been sick for a while before, but her family didn't contact her. He was only 32! She just turned 30 this year. She has one younger brother left. Her mom and dad are still alive. Well, my Grief Share classes have placed me in the position to help answer her questions. I was able to do that tonight. She seemed comforted by what knowledge I did have on the subject. I felt so helpless in the ceremony, not knowing what to say and then falling apart when she did too. I didn't fall apart as I normally do. I did hold my self together enough I think. She just cut loose. And I held her while she did so. I had no words for her, except that she'll be okay, he'd be okay. And to please call and lean on God for everything. And call me whenever she needs. To vent, if I can help her, I will, whatever. Any time she wants to call please do so. So when she asked me about grief, I felt so good to at least be able to offer her some comfort there about her feelings.

And I got to sort of 'witness' for Al-Anon too. My Aunt asked me about the Friday meetings I go to. She is an Adult child as well and then her husband was an alcoholic too. He's been sober many years now. She really noticed how I am faithful to attend the meetings and asked me if I felt they helped me. So there I went! I went on about how the meetings help me get better and help me understand why I am the way I am. And how they've helped me to change my life. I told her the topic we discussed last night(11th step) and how it has helped me get closer to God. She was pretty interested so I invited her to go with me anytime if she wanted. Just to call me. That was a fun part of the day too! I felt so good to be able to do that too.

Today:
I pray that my cousin stays safe and comes back to us safely.
I pray that God's protection surrounds them and the other troops out there daily.
I trust God will protect him while he is away from his family.
I thank God for the opportunity to share what I know from Al-Anon and Grief Share to help someone else.
I thank God for my program that keeps me grounded and in a much better place mentally than I was at this time last year.
I thank God for my growth in the program, and pray for my continued growth.
I thank God for the opportunity to blog about it all here whenever I need.

Stinkin' Thinkin'?

I made it through the annual review. My bosses ideas and new schedule have actually worked. Imagine that. I am actually improving! Another good thing. I did mention this to my friend at work who I am accused of spending too much time talking to on the computer. And this was one thing I knew could not be so in the review, because her and I have stopped talking as much as we used to. We kinda had a thing, a spat, a little bit ago, and I did actually stop sharing so much with her. It seemed like I shouldn't do it anymore. I don't know if I mentioned it on here or not. But she kinda threw it back at me and that was twice and I became a little more reserved about how much I share with her now. So I know it isn't slowing me down at work. My boss sees me using that program and thinks it is always her I am talking to and its really not! I do more communicating with all the branches now. Among others in the company and not for chit chat, its for work. As a matter of fact, I am keeping track of my communication with her myself just as a self-check now.

I feel good about me but tonight I saw my ex. He came by to say hello. Showing off a new outfit. I felt sad and I guess I showed it too. I didn't really know why until he left. I feel like my finances are so tight and I haven't tried to find another job to compensate or to just change jobs to make a difference. And here he comes talking about his new outfit. He just keeps getting new things and I feel like I'm struggling just to make ends meet. If I do spend frivolously, it will hurt me. My car is going downhill. That's another reason to change jobs. The bus doesn't go where I need to go for work. Not to my current job anyway. But my boss is willing to give me a ride if I need it. Amazing. Of course, he is not the owner of his own home, doesn't have utility bills to pay, he does keep a vehicle and it is costing him quite a lot more than my own to maintain, etc, etc. I have a home, car, kids, animals, utilities, cell phones, Internet, telephone, medical insurance for me and the girls, paying student loans, paying off old debts, I have it all really. All I need(and luxuries). Just a little tight on cash and I am finally wanting to do something about it! I want to be where I was financially when he was messing up his money and it didn't matter quite as much because I made enough to handle it all and then had extra after saving. It really hurt but we could make it. I want to be able to make that kind of money again. I want it bad, I want all my debt paid off and mine isn't as great as the normal debt now a days! Mine is pretty small except for student loans really.

Well, I go to church tonight and God reinforces what I have been pondering. Can I live as He wants me to live? Of course I can with His help. In His power, but I keep thinking -- "I" can' t do it. "I" am getting tired. When is it going to be "My" turn to take it easy?! God is talking to me a lot. He is telling me how He is going to bless me. I need to keep working my program, it takes work, but it works if I work it. And I know it works! This program and my new life is an entire lifestyle change, it won't happen over night and I've been doing it wrong since high school! And now I am a grandma(young! Only 38 yrs old!!!!)! I will pray for His strength to carry me through and keep reading, writing, blogging. And work as if I am working for God and not man. And then do something about my situation, because I can, but only with His help. Making sure to consult with Him, trust Him, Give it to Him, Ask Him for it, Even beg Him for it if need be then accept His direction! And I found I am quite hard headed. I still want my way, I am able to change, but certain parts of me I have to really work at to accomplish the changes needed and finances happens to be one area I feel I need to control. There goes that "I" again!

I watched the baby tonight. My daughter stressed out I guess and my oldest had the baby while I was at church. So when I got home the little bundle of joy was at my house! I just laid on my bed with him crawling all over it and exploring. No fuss, no crying. Fed him and he passed out! He was easy tonight. Thank you God for my grandbaby! I saw him and forgot all that was troubling me tonight. He just has that effect on me.

I am grateful for:
My program.
My God who has helped me to be more welcome to change in my life, even if I am hard headed and He has to knock me around a lot to get my attention.
My G-Baby!
My dogs...Lady and Timber.
My recovery books, devotionals, friends, etc.
The fellowships encouraging words I keep getting...Thank you all so much, I need to hear those things!
My job...Really!
My future job!
That my car is still running! It is still getting me there.
My Sponsor, whom I just do not talk to enough. I call once a week. And you know, this week I haven't talked to her! Oh my!
My new found daily time with God, praying, talking, or reading His word.

Geez! Do I feel better! Good Night!

My Annual Review

Boy, boy, boy! What a program does for me! Today I had an annual review. And, it was not real good. Upon my first reading, I felt like I was doing nothing right, like all my efforts where not being noticed, and it made me very angry. I knew I couldn't just blow up on my boss, I was at fault, but from the way I took it, I couldn't understand how I even had a job if this is the way my boss felt! I then had to discuss it today with my boss. She wanted to have a discussion since it was overdue anyway. I felt so not ready to do this since I felt it was so bad. I quickly realized what I was doing to myself, and had to immediately stop my mind from racing. I prayed to take it as constructive, I could see alot was me, but I wasn't willing to accept that I was as bad as it sounded. And it sounded bad. Like I'd said, I couldn't believe I even had the job. So I prayed and prayed to let it go and wait for the discussion, it couldn't be that bad! I put it aside and kept on working. That was a struggle too.

When that discussion time came, I told my boss exactly how I felt. How her review made me feel. Which is not normal for me, actually, in a previous review she said many of the same things and all I did was agree with her although I didn't feel she was totally right on all of it. I had no opinion and just agreed and signed it. It turns out she didn't mean it to sound that bad. I asked her to explain and on one point, she actually couldn't tell me. Then she started adding things in that gave me some praise. Other things started coming to mind when she did this. She was finding the good points and things I've done to help her and lift some burdens she had been carrying. So it turns out even though I was bad, and I was bad! I didn't deny it. I still agreed, but there were positive things that I felt needed to be in my review. And the scoring I didn't understand so that was explained. Which also turned out to not be so bad. And I agreed then with the scoring as an accurate picture of me. I'm so glad I didn't let the anger lead me. And not just accepting it either. I actually spoke up for me for once at work. And it helped me feel so good about me to do it. Much easier than I thought. I thanked God later, He is so good!

Only bad thing is they are going to throw more work at me because she feels I can do more, even still! They may run me out of there too! That may be a good thing though. The strongest point I had in my review was I am making it on time to work and even getting there before my boss! She absolutely loved that although it is not in my report. Hmmmm...I still need to make comments on it too, so it will be...

I am thankful for my program today. It helped me to look at what I thought was a very bad situation in a different way, I struggled but I could think more clearly by backing up and thinking along a different track. And then fully explain myself and listen to her explain herself. It helped me...It helped me...It helped me...and I am so grateful!

Old stuff/New stuff

It's so funny that the day I am so early for church was daylight savings weekend! It just let me know I still have other areas to work on with me. I am also still in a pinch financially due to my unfinished business! God, please help me to move! Oh! I am getting slightly frustrated again with me! Tonight I finally admitted this to my Sponsor! Finally! She told me I needed to get a move on it! What was I waiting for? I have no idea...

This weekend my ex mentioned some old stuff to me again. He said, "I wish you would find a man so I could feel better!" And, other stuff about me hurting his feelings and being angry a lot. I couldn't believe he was talking this way about me yet again. I mean how many times do I need to apologize for what I did that I didn't realize was hurting him? I said I was sorry a couple of times already. He just won't leave it alone. How often are we going to relive all that stuff? I knew that if I kept the conversation going, it would probably turn into an argument. So I politely excused myself from the conversation and went about my day.

As far as the man comment, I figure he still feels guilty for doing what he did. I am pretty much okay with it now. No, I didn't like it and still don't, but I can look past all that now and I still know it is God's will we are not together. How can I dwell on it if I know that for a fact? I can't! It's okay with me now. He does apologize a lot! Still. And I keep saying its okay. Really. But I keep getting the same thing. Anyway, I guess that is his problem not mine. I did say his happiness should not depend on if I have a man or not. What I do shouldn't matter to how he feels. That's like, Codependency, right?

He's also said his girlfriend is so unbelievably jealous. And he's told me previously that I wasn't jealous enough in our relationship. True, I am not the jealous type. I guess you get what you ask for... I trusted my man was all, and I knew he was mine. I even knew when he was no longer mine, if I think about it. I knew something was going on, way to obvious, he wasn't like that and I could instantly tell, but not willing to accept it at that time. But at least it doesn't stick with me anymore. It took a little while before I let it go! God is good!

God also spoke to my needs this Sunday. The sermon was directed at those of us who feel like "Why is God blessing them in such a way and he doesn't do that for me?" I guess I have to get the tape because I suddenly can't remember the answer. Although there may not be one set answer, he could be seeing the attitude we have, us questioning him. He has specific plans for us that are different from those we see getting blessed. We don't know what they've been through for them to get what they've received from God. I know me, I am hard-headed, I don't want to do certain things I think God wants me to do, and I don't trust Him with everything. And finances is a hard thing to let go of for me. I do want to be in control of it all on a constant basis, but in my way. Not necessarily the "right" way. Or the way God wants me to do things! You know, that trust thing keeps getting right in my face all the time! I know I have an issue there and I am trying to work on it, just a little unsure how to change it...or am I? Hmmmm.

Today I am thankful for:
...My dogs even though they are driving me nuts!
...My G-Baby not getting Strep!
...Me not having Strep!
...The peacefulness in my house!
...Me having two couches. Its a pain, but it will get worked out! And the one we are babysitting is more comfortable than mine anyway!
...My Sponsor!
...My friends in recovery!
...Everyone who reads me, comments to me, and/or checks on me if I am M.I.A.! Thanks to you all! I wouldn't have thought of a fellowship out here but there is one out here.
...That no matter how hard-headed I get, God is still providing for me.
...God giving me chance after chance for me to trust Him to change me.

More brought to my attention

Well, today I am home. I am sick. I have a sore throat that I was afraid was strep throat. I don't think so. Or at least the doctor doesn't think so. Thank God! She didn't even run the quick test for strep but gave me antibiotics for my sore throat anyway. I have a headache, stuffy nose and bad sore throat. I have been putting off the doctor visit for ever - since 2004 to be exact. I thought it was longer. But I decided to ask the doctor about other ailments or happenings I thought needed her attention. And she isn't my doctor, she's a new doctor there in the clinic. I got her postcard earlier this week. And I planned on seeing her soon, but no move to make an appointment. I never have chosen a doctor. Since I signed up for the insurance plan at work last year! My mom would always go to the doctor but not me!!! I favor my dad's opinion and don't go unless something freaks me out or takes me down! So there I went today. My boss was in to work with Strep and then two days later I wake up with a sore throat! I used to get these bad sore throats every year and then have lost my voice for a week or so and all was well. Its been a few years now that this has happened again. Only I still have my voice. Anyway, I kept telling God I'd go to the doctor when I got a chance. I guess He said "you will go now." LOL So hear I am blogging about it and feeling bad but glad it is not Strep! I was just kissing that beautiful baby boy (my G Baby) just last night when I saw him! Okay, well I am pretty tired, so I am heading back to bed. Hopefully to feel better!

Today I am thankful...
...That I get to rest.
...That I didn't have Strep!
...That I get to sleep as long as I want.
...That I can read my recovery devotionals, talk with God, read my literature on a quiet, rainy day, and in a quiet, empty house. So relaxing! Now all I need is soup! Maybe I can get a baby to bring that to me! And I can be grateful again!

Its good to be back!

Well, suddenly my DSL started working again. Yeah! You cannot, I repeat, cannot, take a geeks Internet access away! It will KILL them! Anyway, back up and running for now.

The past weekend was pretty nice too. We did our annual meeting room cleaning Saturday and though we didn't really get to talk much, I enjoyed just being around all those who came to help out. It was a nice two and a half hours.

Nothing dramatic all week, praise be to God! I am still being disciplined though. I have been given a break from my job, I thought for a while. But no. Our receptionist was in the hospital and will be on bed rest for two more weeks. So I was getting comfortable in her job since I am the back up. This also meant I needed to be there early to bring the switchboard up on time and answer phones at 8 am! And I am not the most punctual person. I never have been! This was forcing me to get there early, thus finally on time!
Well, last week they brought in a temp. So I'm thinking, well daing what did I do wrong? Oh nothing! I was needed in my previous position cause my boss was getting a bit stressed and we need all our people for our department to run smoothly. Anyway, I still had to be there on time to let her in, bring up the board, so I still need to be there early! And train her! Now she finally has her own login but no security card to get in on her own. So I still need to be there early and she likes to be there 20 minutes early! This is tough for me folks! Very tough. You see how late I am posting! I am making it 15 minutes early now but it is tough. Sometimes I still make it only ten minutes early. But early! I think God knows what he is doing! Could he possibly being creating a new habit through my situation? I think so. It is still tough but that is because my nights haven't changed and they must! I feel better when I sleep longer. So goodnight! And this is actually early for me! Miss Midnight!

Its so good to be back!

A Nice Weekend

I am still struggling with what happened with my daughter last Sunday. I shared Friday that I feel 'right' about my actions but I know they were not. I feel I should be able to handle it and like I am being hard on me, but they are my girls. Yes, grown girls, but my kids. Anyway, maybe that stuff about how I set the example being thrown at me kinda sunk in a little bit. Anyway, I am slowly letting that go and trying to stop dwelling on it. I feel responsible but I know they know what is good for them and what is not. I should leave it at that. It is still not mine.

Saturday, I kinda got volunteered to watch the grandbaby without my advance knowledge. I did make a small stink to my ex, who was the one who volunteered me because he wanted to take the kids out to dinner and a movie. That was fine with me except that I got drafted as the baby sitter. I don't know if that sounds bad but my daughter knows she isn't to do that. She understands how I feel about just dropping him on me. I love him very much, but don't impose. I didn't fuss with her, I had to talk with my ex. I guess my daughter felt guilty and kept calling to see if I was okay and let me know they would be later than expected. I really was fine, I hadn't seen the baby since last Sunday and I was nickin' for a baby fix! He was a little fussy so I decided to dress him up and go with my sister to a friends birthday party I had previously declined. Ok, my sis really didn't want to go by herself and so went the baby woke up, we took off to meet her. She lured me out with lots of food! I was hungry! And I hadn't seen her friend in a while and time to show off the grandbaby! LOL! I had fun. He was fussy, he doesn't go out much and so he cried a bit. Took a little time to adjust and then he was happy being passed around and seeing the other kids. He's such a sweetie even when he's fussy!

Later that night, both my sisters and I went on a graveyard tour of the Elmwood Cemetary here in KCMO. It is the 2nd oldest cemetary in the city and supposedly the most haunted. The tour started at midnight and ended about 2 am! We didn't see any ghosts but it was pretty interesting. I didn't feel scared either, I thought I would. But I was fine. I am very easily spooked! Its just crazy, I am. The kids don't like to sit by me in scary movies because I jump and scream and what ever else I do! They know they secretly love it! LOL!

Today I watched that horrible Chiefs game! We lost big time! I fell asleep before the end of the game, it was bad.

Pastor preached today on Trusting God with everything. Even the small things, I know I need to work on that. I need to work on listening too. He was leading me to stay out of that last Sunday and I didn't listen. I guess that's why I got the call right in the heat of it. To keep me from jumping back in the middle of it! I felt caught in the act. And it stopped me in my tracks. It worked. But I was not happy about it. And I never said thanks, which I feel I need to do. It did get me out of the situation in a hurry. I appreciated it although I could not show that or say it at the time the call ended. But I did even though I still struggle with my feelings concerning the whole thing. I'll get it right. No matter how long it takes, I'll get it right.

I also started going to a new class this morning at church, one dealing with offenses. I don't totally understand it, but I did like the testimonies and what we talked about today. We had lyrics to a song by Lee Ann Womack, "I Hope You Dance". It was not what I thought it was about. I just never understood all the words. Of course it started the waterworks going with me! So glad I picked up a napkin with my sandwich they were serving. It was great. The last class I attended was great for me, I feel this one may be the same as well. The talk was about how God created us with needs and those needs point us back to him. I need to get the book so I can really follow along.

Pastor also mentioned something to singles today. We are complete in Christ. He mentioned that our mates need to share our faith. I believe this, and think it is a guideline I should follow, but then I thought about the man I am seeing. I haven't asked this question and I am pretty sure I know the answer. He's a sports buff so he doesn't go to church, because he is at the games on Sunday. I don't know what his beliefs are or if he has any opinion on God. Guess I need to have that discussion. Kinda worries me. I usually make it a point to ask very early in a dating relationship what their beliefs are and here I didn't. That kinda sucks if it turns out I feel lead to leave him alone and end that relationship. Especially since he is kinda growing on me now! I didn't see it going anywhere before but I like the very slow pace it is going. He is a good man as far as I can tell. He works a lot though. Anyway, it would really suck to feel I needed to end it! I guess I really need to pray on this...