Tired, tired, tired!!!!

Phew! I am a tired Mammasita!!! Just saw the grand baby after a long day at work! He was quiet and ready to pass out - like me! Good night!

Happy HNT!!!

Back Online BABY!

OMG! I am finally back online again! AT HOME! I started my new job on the sixth of August! I have been so busy and tired. Long hours (for right now) heavy workload. No time to surf at work anymore! I am really liking this!!! Well, I am again really tired so it will be a very short post. All is going well. I am glad I dont' think I do not need my meetings. Though, with such a few dealings that trouble me, I am at a loss of what to share. I guess I think it needs to trouble me to share it!

I really enjoy my new boss, she's great. I like the fact that she is allowing all of us to increase in skills here. And she is there as often as we need her. She is very very busy herself.

My BF's birthday is today! He didn't want to do anything special. I think he may have wanted to see me but he didn't ask. My end-of-the-day did not go well and I ended up staying late! Wah! Checks to get out!

Okay, what's troubling me is: I am so tired I do nothing around the house! Nothing! No Avon, no chores, nothing! I did finally get the grass cut! Tonight! I paid someone to do it! FINALLY! Well, one good thing was done around the house!

Oh, and I went to the Chiefs game last week!!!! We sucked but I had fun!

Okay gotta go to bed! Bye!

Tidbit post...

The Chiefs are playing today!!! Yeah! Football is back!!! I love it! I'm going to hang with the girls and see the G-Baby! Its been two weeks! I've been so busy with my new job and late hours, learning and getting familiar with my duties there! I haven't seen my man either. He has a friend in town too and so he's busy. Anyway, I'll see both sometime this weekend. I am very tired. I need to adjust my sleeping patterns. I guess the heavier workload is not what I am used to. I need to take time to sleep as I need to. My body is telling me to change my patterns and I am fighting it but, I think I'd better not. My body is winning this time. I have a longer drive to and from and in this 100+ or - heat! That is probably what is getting me so tired - the heat! Daily high 90's and humidity. Its a weird thing that I do. I have a car which has AC, but do I use it? No! I am trying to conserve gas and the AC does run it down. Maybe, I will change that now too. Gas has dropped a bit in price but I still have lots of catching up to do with my bills yet!!! I see a lot of us are getting this heat too so I am not alone! I'm really liking the new job I have to step up the exercise too! It is helping! I'll be so glad to get my DSL back! Soon! I still miss every one!!! Hope to read you soon - still!

Romans 8:28 coming to pass!!!

Things I feel I need to work on are steadily popping up here recently. I have the urge to help and to keep offering the help even if I am refused. My bf has gone thru some things lately that he needed to handle and I wanted to help instantly! And I was actually surprised at myself for feeling so strong an urge to help. But thank God for my program because I was in a struggle with myself! And it really is a struggle. At least the logic of the program is winning a majority of the time. And my bf doesn't want me to help him in certain areas. He doesn't want to be dependent on anyone is the feeling I'm getting. So I feel blessed to know him. It benefits me for him to be the way he is!

I'm in such wonder that I can leave it alone so much sooner than I actually feel I could do before! You know God is so good to me and I do keep asking for His help on a much more constant basis. Although not as constant as I feel it should be, I know I am improving. And asking for His forgiveness faster when I do opposite as He's directed me. Or when I don't trust Him as I know I can! He's proven himself over and over to me and there are things I've seen Him do for me what could only be His hand in those situations. But still I need to be redirected many times. I do feel it is a good balance of disobedience and obediance to the spirit! That may sound funny, but I really feel His presence and direction in my life recently. Like an Al-Anon dad says, "When you give it up, God shows up!" And that is definately the case in many of my recent situations.

So my struggling so much will ease up for me some now. Still there are things(one major) that I need to handle that God has given me clear direction on and I am being hard head. So if you are into praying for folks, lift me up on this situation. Its not my only situation, but it is currently the most important one right now. But you know, I've recently run into an old friend who has the ability to help me in that area and that actually may make it much easier for me to go ahead and handle it with his help. And this situation brings up a trust issue with me. I won't move due to trusting people with my financial information and their help. I really don't like anyone in that area of my life! Not even when I needed assistance and had to apply to get it. I don't care who it is, I hate giving up information about me. Funny...and I'm doing a blog! LOL!

Another friend I recently told about my new job had told me something very informative when I was complaining about the job I was leaving. I'd mentioned that I wished I had focused more on finding a job sooner than I did. I could have been gone sooner. She said "No, God had His purpose for you being there. It came right when He wanted you to have it, in His time. What did you learn?" And she said it with such authority and waited for my answer! She was right. Another friend had recently said something similar to me when I said I was still looking. He'd said, "How can you be trusted with more when you don't treat this job correctly? You need to do right for your current job first!" Not in those exact words, but that was the gist! And now I'm on the way up! Once again. And the skills gained here actually were what the next employer found most interesting. The very skills I felt I did not need for my career is all I was asked about at each interview! I started seeing all my thinking had been wrong concerning what I needed!!!! Isn't that funny?!

My attitude change towards my job made it bearable to do...the bonus at work I didn't except helped me to get a car...getting the car put an end to limiting myself to only seeking jobs nearby within my city....with my car I was able and willing to apply to jobs further away that I did not even consider....who needed the skills I was currently using!

Lord, thanks for being there for this hard-head chick! Just really thankful for all my situations because I really see them coming together for my good! Bad and Good ones! All of them worked out for my benefit in the end.

New Job!!! New chapter in recovery!

Yeah! New job! I'm loving it. I wanted into a different area of accounting and I'm finally there! It is going to have an effect on my Thursday night meeting but I'll make it. I may only be late or not be able to attend for a while! Wah! I will be able to continue with the Friday meeting.

My dad's birthday just passed and it was fun, Strouds is a good place to eat around here. They are famous for their fried chicken. It was very good this time. Father's Day it needed to be less greasy. But the chicken was excellent Thursday.

It has been a bit of a struggle with all the stuff lately going on. It has been a test of a few of my traits I needed to work on in my recovery obviously. I just realized I needed the work when things started happening around me. I wanted to help out a friend and he isn't allowing it. But its good for me, and I know that, but I still wondered why isn't he letting me help? I did have to work at letting it go. I offered help and it wasn't needed. Anyway, I know I need to work on me in that area. I did understand that it was good he didn't want me to help and wanted to handle his stuff himself, but I felt the pull within me to keep pressing to help! It was pretty strong! Kinda shocking!

I'm glad today that I can recognize that and stop myself from continuing on! And causing some turmoil. I still do certain things that I know irk my friend. I do offer and then say stupid crap that I know needed to not be said. I need to learn to say I'm sorry for that. I haven't. Anyway I'm still happy with me in my recovery. And its only been two years, going on my third!

Obsessing? Or Normal Worry?

Okay, I'm back. I continued to look for my missing man. I could not help but wonder what happened. All this after finding out he had not contacted his daughter either. So, I did finally find out from a friend of his. Unfortunately, I'm sure you can guess. He is okay. Not where he'd want to be but okay. I will wait for his okay to post his journey but I'm sure I don't need to.

Anyway, I am just wondering if my search was obsessing or not. I didn't go out of my way to see if he'd made it back but I went along my normal business (Avon) in which I also see his family (couple of them), my ex's family, and my friends and conveniently nearby one of his friends. His daughter was a little out of the way but not by much. So this is how i found out the situation. I was always able to find my ex. ALWAYS! He did not like that since I was placed in some pretty dangerous situations and was acting a fool to get him home! I was uncomfortable to approach his friend, whom I thought would have heard something. And I was right. He had. He gave me the info along with more and what I really didn't need. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. But I thanked him and went about my business. So then I was not obsessing about what happened anymore. All was better.

I did talk to my sponsor and it was a very long good talk we had. Each person who knew the story suggested action and I finally did try some action but was not allowed. So I was powerless once again. But all is well. Great now I can get back to me.

My oldest got her own place and she's loving it. She just got in there this weekend. I hope she's fine there. I do not like the neighborhood but it is not something we are not familiar with! Chaos and crime. She has no children, and does not live alone. Her friend from high school lives with her. I'm glad she did it. I just wish it was a nicer area. Well, back later with more....

Today I am grateful for answered prayers!

Sunday's here!

I like Sundays. I relax on Sundays. Today I am not. I am keeping busy and hoping to get SS of my mind today. Anyway I am not acting on my impulse to go by and see if he is there again! He has a couple of messages from me and that is one voicemail and couple of texts. No more! Someone suggested hunt him down. I think not. I do care, I am upset, but I can't do that anymore and I am not chasing a man these days. If he wants to contact me he will. No need to get crazy again. I just hope he's okay. Once I got out of my cheating on me phase, the is he hurt one started!

I did talk to a friend in Al-Anon today. Of course, we joke around so much that I did think it would make me feel better. It did. But sometimes Mr.J is a little harsh. He did suggest a road trip! Sounds excellent! Well, I hope my funds cooperate! They have not lately! I don't see it but maybe if I really want it! Maybe God will let me have it. That would be a nice getaway! I haven't done that in quite some time!

I still haven't spoken to my sponsor! Bad sponsee!!! Okay misspelled but I don't know what the correction is! Anyway, happy sunday! My cuz went to church with me and I enjoyed her company. I think I will go home and play some games on my pc. Or get some things done around my house. Maybe talk to my sponsor finally!

Today I am grateful for

Sunday
My Al-Anon friend
Life no matter what...

Ups n downs today...

Still a rollercoaster ride. Well, I'm still missing you all but will be doing some reading today. I feel like I am running too much and doing for others in this new car. I am not taking care of home. And for some reason I feel like I am not taking care of my man. Not that I should be. The time spent with him has been a lot less recently. Either of us is really trying to contact each other. And of course I feel I've done something wrong. But I haven't. I know he is the type of person who would tell me if something was on his mind, but I just have a weird feeling that he is not. And then this weekend, he is just no where to be found. No where, no call, no text, nothing. Totally not like him really. Very uncharacteristic of him. I'm not the only one leaving messages, his friends are too.


On a lighter note, my aunt did go home that weekend. She is doing better but still a very low blood pressure.

My youngest child turned twenty-one this week! And she is kicking it all weekend. I missed out on baby sitting the grand baby. :( A friend and I were trying to go to the drive in tonite and that didn't work out. I wanted to call her but got a little obsessed by my BF being MIA! And I think these are the feelings I got when my exBF started cheating on me. Only at first I was content since things were not good between us. Instantly that is what I initially thought. But I think I am jumpy like that. It really isn't anything new. Well, so much for trying not to obsess! LOL! But this IS where I am getting it out.


I did get my car worked on today. My mechanic disappeared on me too! So I went back to my dad's. I didn't have the money to replace the parts so again, my dad helped out. It was way less than I thought it was gonna be. That was excellent.


I did go to a Spa Party given by one of my friends. I felt bad that I couldn't buy anything to help her out. I felt like I came for the food. But I like and miss her company. I enjoy hanging out with her and her friends - they are so positive. It was so very nice. A very relaxing afternoon. You would not believe it. Just ladies and spa treatments for all! That was great! I need to really talk with my sponsor, we are just bad. We don't talk as we should and I still haven't completed my fifth step!

Well, done obsessing but probably not the last of it.

Tonight I am grateful for:
An empty house! I could mope as I wanted and not worry about anyone else wanting to know what is going on.
My love me unconditionally dogs!
Those in Al-Anon I can contact tomorrow.
My God who is always there to comfort me. Whom I can lean on anytime.
My church where I can go tomorrow to lift my spirits.
The Word, so I can get closer to my God on an anytime basis!

Well, what an interesting while its been. My life jumped very busy suddenly and I've just been along for the ride. I have an aunt in the hospital, a couple of situations that tested my faith and my distance I've come in recovery, and then some. And the opportunity to help out, well, be there for a friend or two.

But you know God has been very good to me. Very good to me. I have had to work quite closely with the utility companies to get my bills under some form of control and keep my services on while I spend money on my cars needs. Not repairs,just the things I need to handle prior to me being ready within a month to have its plates, taxes paid, blah, blah, blah! Well, I'm okay and missing my Internet, but it is a luxury! And now I have a backup. So I can use it for a bit. Anyway, money is still very tight, but hopefully I can adapt to having less and lowering my bills, living on a budget and still getting things done! Hopefully there is someplace new in store for me as well! I've missed reading everyone again! I don't get enough time at work to read or do anything like that. I must do what is needed online while I have the access!

I had a friend whose mom went in to the doctor to find out she had a brain tumor. Surgery to have it removed, and it has been found to be malignant. He asked for prayer and I visited with him and his mom in the hospital. I really never know what to say at times but I know they enjoyed my company.

More later...

Missing my Internet!!!

Hi All! I have been gone just busy with life and I had to let a few things go to get my car in shape and legal for the road! I wasn't ready for those expenses and so something had to go! My Internet was first!!! Wah!!! Man, I'm hurting too! Or nickin' I should say! Anyway, I'll be back soon I hope! Bye!

My car

Tiny little thing isn't it? Nice though! I'm so loving it! And today we had thunderstorms producing HAIL! Not in my hood nor at my job, so no dings in it from hail. Previous dings yes, new dings, No... Yeah!

On a sad note, the girl who was missing from Overland Park was found dead in the Longview Lake area. OP is considered a part of the Greater Kansas City area. Longview as well. So both are close by. This came up in my CodA meeting today. She said she felt so helpless to do anything about such a thing and thinking about us single women in the group. How it could have been us. We are a close knit group, small but close. We care about each other so much. And we are missing a couple others lately, you know who you are! Come back!!!!

They treated me out to a meal tonight for my 2nd year anniversary with the group! I'd never been before so it was a treat! Fun night out with the ladies! I was so happy to see them and be there to vent my frustrations from the last two weeks. I've missed two weeks not feeling good and car problems. And work isn't helping anything, not even my wallet. I'm so glad the ladies are there to vent to and whine to, so I can get it off my chest. And maybe start moving on with what needs to be done....

Today I am grateful that I am still running on the same tank of gas from Sunday's fill up! That's a $60 difference!

I am grateful for the group! The new healthier friendships I have in CodA.

My grandbaby! Who smiles and runs to me when he sees me! He melts my heart way too fast!!!

It's a new car!!!! -to me anyway-

Yeah! The car my dad found yesterday is the mine now. It is very nice! I did what immediately needed to be done and now, its fine. One kinda more than minor thing but at least not expensive. Not very! But my money is really tight and I owe my dad who is so glad to have me in a descent car. I love it!! My first foreign one. Its a Nissan Sentra 95. Power sunroof, nice, nice, nice! I was just thinking yesterday how badly I needed to find one. My father totally left it up to me to decide and I almost said no....but I kept asking God to guide me and here I am in it now. I was a really good deal. I haven't seen one near as nice and I wasn't even looking at cars newer than 90 - 91! And they were almost as much and had major stuff to fix! So off to do my Avon and check on a relatives house who is out of town! I so love it!


I thank God for this blessing!

I am grateful for my kids who got me out of bed this morning to go to church. I was gonna skip!
That was a rare thing for them to come.

I am grateful for my grand baby, who freaked out in the nursery this morning and I went to calm him down. So I just stayed with him in the nursery till the end of service. Our church is now pod casting? So I think I can hear this mornings sermon later today or when I want?

I am grateful the church provided lunch today for free for the congregation. Like I said, my money is tight!

I thank God I am keeping to my scheduled exercise routine, and I feel good!

Thanks for listening! I will be getting around to read everyone soon! By mid-week is my goal!

Busy with Life!

I'm back! Sorry for the absence but it seems everyone else is busy too with life! And its nice outside! I have been out and about alot! My cousin was in town too for a while to see his son graduate. I haven't seen that guy that told me I wasn't a "good Mexican woman" anymore and that's good. Not that I am holding anything against him. I did have to keep giving it to God and now I'm good. I went out with my cousin's wife last night and that was fun. She needed to get her mind off the fact that her hubby is headed back to Afghanistan for ten months now. She gets depressed easy. Very easy and tends to stay in it longer than she should. I dont' know if she can help that or not. I would think not, so we get her out to get things off her mind. And so she doesn't just dwell in it! She has recently gone through a lot. They both have.

Anyway, life has been good and I still haven't found another car yet. Wah! I am so dying to get one but the process seems very slow since I can't travel much and gas prices are so high. I am seeking to buy a used car from and individual and it is taking longer than I thought. I wanted to buy the first one I saw!!! It did seem like a good deal to me, but, my dad said no. So here I sit! Well! just got word he found a Sentra for me so lets see!!! Maybe this weekend is my weekend!!!

It was great spending time with my cousin and his family. Now he's gone. I will miss him!

Mama Day Weekend

Very good week for me this past week. I am still working on some issues but I am content with my life. I finally have the money I need to get a car and a little to spare. I am very slow at moving though, and gas just jumped over $3 here! I need help finding and choosing one. I am not good at that. Maybe I just need to pray about that huh?

My work week went pretty well. Good days, I got lots done. I am finally catching up my filing from a while back when our receptionist was out a unexpected week. Among various other days prior to that! I felt good at the end of the week that so many things were done and I was basically looking for work to do.

Friday's meeting was good but I could not get my thoughts together well enough to share effectively I think. So I kept it short and to the point! Then I saw my man after that. We went our separate ways on Saturday and I got to go shopping with my sister and her husband. We went shoe shopping and window shopping too. I found a pair of sandals I wanted and decided on them. My kids had been shopping for me and said they did not like the pair I wanted and I was not going to get them for Mother's day! So I got them myself! Well, I found another pair I liked a lot but not available in my size. So I gotta go online for them!

Sunday came and I went to church to meet the girls there. My kids had partied the night before and they overslept so I didn't get to see them. I went to church with SS and it was a very small church and it was very nice. It's been a very long time since I've been in another church. And even longer for a small one like this one was. I was very nice though. Everyone knew one another...well. I got lots of looks, but overall they were very nice. Many spoke to me and welcomed me and I got a very cool pen! I love it! I do not know if I mentioned...I am in an interracial relationship with SS, and his church is a small mostly all black church. I am Mexican. A very light Mexican. So I was actually expecting some dirty looks even in church, and maybe that was wrong on my part. I didn't get what I expected. Some surprised looks but not dirty looks.

But Sunday was great! After church we ate at a local Soul Food Buffet, which I thought would be better but it really was not to great. It was good. Just not what I had heard which was great. Later we went to his place and then to the movies to see NEXT. It was good. Hadn't heard about it much but it was good. Then I went home to wait for my girls, and only one made it but I did see them Monday. They both bought me some shoes. One casual tennis shoe and one dressy open toed wedge for work or casual.

My Mother's day was great. I hope all yours were too. I missed the Fiesta here again, but there's always next year. I just couldn't get down there. But I had a lovely weekend. I didn't have such a great Monday, I missed work due to a migraine. Not enough rest sleeping on the couch! I was so tired so I stayed home. And something did sit well with my stomach either. Anyway, it was still great! My dogs appreciated my presence at home all day with them though! They loved that!

Awaking to a better day.

Today I feel so much better. I tended to the grand baby yesterday evening. Which kept my mind on him and not on me anymore. Until I started writing. Then the events of the day came back. And instead of focusing on the fun my baby had, I focused on the negative of the day. I do have a need to get it off my chest each time something bothers me like that though. I still think that is good. It always feels better.

I put the baby to bed after our outing to a neighbors Cinco De Mayo party. Early on there were but a very few kids. Later I went back and there were plenty of kids. My little chulo is now 1 and wandering all over the place. I love watching him. I found it hard to eat trying to keep track of him too though. He was eating with me but then got full and decided to play. Then we came home finally at 10:30! He was supposed to be in bed at 10! Out with his partying grandma!!! He didn't get to bed until 11!!! But he usually gets fussy when he's tired and he didn't. I hurried to make his bed and get it comfy so he could lay down and go to sleep. He patiently followed me around with his favorite blanket and thumb! He was ready to go to sleep as soon as we got home. Both dogs did the same. Followed me around. He laid down, I covered him and left him to sleep. Such a sweetie. We slept in today. Didn't go to church, the rain or thunderstorm, gave me the excuse not to take him out. He was sound asleep. So I watched my favorite preachers on tv this morning. And she'd only packed shorts for him and no warm clothes, it was cold this morning. Cold and wet.

I had a few bad dreams last night too though. I usually don't remember my dreams but they woke me up last night. All morning long too. I kept dozing until the kids came to pick up the baby.

Today I am grateful for a new morning.
Awaking to a better perspective of my life.
Awaking to care for my unconditionally loving pooches!
Awaking to a darling, still sleeping grand baby.
For the rainy morning...
For the inspiring posts of you other bloggers in my life.
For my wonderful God who keeps his hand on me.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!!

Now, today I had all kinds of plans, but earlier in the week, I agreed to watch the grand baby so my daughter could carry out hers. She doesn't do too much so I took the baby today. I was nickin' for a baby fix. I dreaded it cause I wanted to celebrate today, but for some reason wanted to see that baby worse than party! ~Or maybe that's just God putting me where I need to be, huh?~ Anyway, I was gonna clean up and straighten up and baby proof the house a bit so he could wander safely. Of course, that didn't happen. I did straighten up but I decided to run around with my man and a friend of his before I started.

That is where my man's friend decided he'd test me to see how Mexican I was. Being born here I am not your typical Mexican woman. I do not fit the mold. I am a career woman since I had to handle all the bills most of the time. I can't cook the way lots of Mexican women can cook. I'd like to, but I can't and I have never felt bad because of it. I had a man who didn't like authentic Mexican food. I was with him for 23 years and met him in high school. He did not like it when I tried to get more culturally in line with my own kind. And I let him direct my thinking in such a way that I just did what he wanted and let him talk me out of what I wanted to do or be. Except for my education, but he disliked even that about me. Even though he wanted me to be at home, barefoot and pregnant, I still got my education and had to support us most of the time. So I was not home a lot to do a lot of tending to my household. That is another full time job in itself. I do feel like I should be the way others say I should be.

But my heart now tells me I am as I should be. My program says I am exactly where God wants me to be at this point in my life. I do have lots to work on, but I do not need to fit into any one's mold. No one's idea of what I should do or not do and how they define "a good Mexican woman". Or even a good woman...

Earlier today I didn't let it bother me so much. I am happy with me as I am and my man says the same. He knows I can't cook well but he is happy for whatever I've fixed for him. I do not do it much but I do it when I can. If there is an opportunity, I usually take it. We don't live together, so I don't do it much anyway. I do cook for me. But I feel support from him and not shame. There is something funny though....as I write this it hurts me. I was steel earlier and now I am crying. I think I should be the way he said, but I am not. There was also no way I was going to show any weakness to this man who I felt was judging me. I also think my "man" should have stopped his "friend" from being like that to me. He did interrupt, but his "friend" kept on going. Later his friend said he was just teasing and didn't mean to be so hard on me. I told him I wasn't worried about what he thought of me. But other than the more rampant judgement of not being Mexican enough because I am not a fluent speaker of Spanish (although I do understand and speak a lot of the language), my experience of taking care of home has been quite limited. I know I am lacking, but I also know I am working on me no matter what others think. And I don't pretend to be more than I am. I wasn't faking like I know more than I do.

Then this friend admitted he couldn't speak Spanish. He can understand it but can't speak it! Can you believe that?! Mexican-Americans who are not fluent would understand that is a big thing, the same as he thinks I should be "a good Mexican woman" he doesn't even fit under the stereotypical "Real Mexican" as someone who is fluent in the Spanish language!!!!! And that was my way to start in on him. But because he is my man's friend, and I didn't want to be disrespectful, or continue a stupid arguement, even though we had just met and he didn't hold back, I didn't say anything but gave him a look and didn't say a thing. But maybe a "Really?" comment. That made it so much easier to let go of what he said to me. And the fact that, for him to even talk to me in such a way, some woman had to have hurt him quite a bit. Maybe she was a "good Mexican woman?"

I was already told a while back that he was still hurting over his woman leaving him and that was mostly all he talked about. And its been years. I forgot how many. But I do think I need to talk with my "man" about his allowing that. I know I should defend myself, but I don't have good comebacks at all when it comes to arguing. And I don't think I should have to against his friends. It seemed he tried but I just feel he didn't try hard enough. I guess that is why I am hurt. Justified or unjustified, I still hurt. The combination of those two things just has gotten to me and it is coming out now. But I am content with who I am and I am working this program to love me and fix me. And that is still happening. But this bugs me - tonight.

So today I am grateful for being "ME"! And having a Loving, caring God who loves me as I am. And Who does for me what I can't do for myself!

Making it through!

I had that rough weekend a couple of weeks ago. Well, maybe last weekend. This weekend was cool even though it didn't go as I wanted it to at all. It was a good weekend. I got my grass cut, it was hurting for that, sadly. But it is done now. My niece's birthday party was Sunday and that was fun. Today I started to feel lonely again! I couldn't get my guy on the phone and of course, I started to plunge into sadness again. I do NOT like that in me. It isn't seeming that serious. Only one day? Not even 24 hours sometimes. I wish that would stop. But its not it is happening more often it seems. But another friend called and we caught up on each other's lives. So I made it through and then the man finally called.

I missed out on an AA celebration weekend due to all the stuff I needed to do around the house. But they taped it all so I can at least purchase who I wanted to hear over the weekend! Happy Day! I will do that soon.

My guy came to cut my grass this weekend, and my daughter was here too. We all three sat and talked after he was done outside. We ate, we chatted a while. She left and he suggested we sit outside. We sat out there quiet mostly, sometimes talking, chatting with the neighbor and watching the dramas play out up and down the block. Mostly down the block...lol. I felt so good just holding his arm as we sat saying nothing. Actually, I love his arms, he's working out so much now and they are looking mighty good if you know what I mean! I just have to touch them. I need to step it up a notch! I still haven't gotten back into the routine of doing my Taebo every other day as I want to. My stomach is still here! Not shrinking!

There was a man going around shooting up lots of folks this weekend here. At one of the malls in a much better part of town too! He killed his neighbor, took her car, stopped at a gas station and shot a cop there, then went to the mall to shoot up more folks! Then he was killed by the cops. What is going on out here??? My guy told me tonight that he was going to go up to that very mall yesterday when it was happening. He wanted to go to a store they have there and just got busy and didn't go. Thank God! He may have been involved!!!

Today I am grateful for:

~my dogs who love me and crave my attention.
~my guy and his decision to stay home yesterday.
~my friend who called me tonight to catch up.
~my empty (no drama filled) house.
~the ability to relax completely in my house.
~my cell phone pics of the grand baby!
~my Internet connection!!!
~my digital camera pics of the grand baby and life in general.
~Trusting that my God is watching over me in my home life alone.
~the visit from my guy this weekend. Sitting on the porch together.
~my neighbors on both sides, they are good neighbors.
~me wanting to straighten up around here. Live better. Look better.
~my time I spend here, searching and learning about me.
~the time I spend here reading about you all.

Thanks for letting me share...

Finding my own truth...

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Finding Our Own Truth

We must each discover our own truth.It does not help us if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us.

It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves.

We must each discover and stand in our own light.We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated. That's how we break through our struggle; that's how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.

We can share information with others. Others can tell us what may predictably happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, and our knowledge.

There is no easy way to break through and find our truth.But we can and will, if we want to.

We may want to make it easier. We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our discovery easier. They cannot. Light will shed itself in its own time.

Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours.

Encouragement helps. Support helps. A firm belief that each person has truth available - appropriate to each situation - is what will help.

Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed. Don't give up until you find it - for yourself.

We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone.

Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision and the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries - the ones that are right for us today.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Expectations

Well, after talking to a friend in the program, I discovered that I was expecting a certain result....even though the new guy had told me what he planned to do Saturday evening. I thought I was acting on a change in routine from every weekend. I know that was a sign from my last relationship that my ex was cheating. But I do trust the new guy. I don't have any reason to think badly of his behavior. I knew it was me but I couldn't see what in me was bugging me. I know I hated the way I felt this past weekend. I am also used to him calling me daily, and he still does, so if one day is missed, I start thinking something is wrong! And nothing has changed, he's just not contacted me. And I guess I expected it!

Well, it is sometimes hard to see why I am feeling the way I feel. I should have called my sponsor, I didn't think of it. I thought to call no one...it never crossed my mind. That is pretty weird that I did that. I usually think of calling some one when I feel bad. But this time it didn't happen.

Today, I am grateful to discover this about me. And hopefully I can use this knowledge to maintain my serenity. Cause I surely lost it!!! LOL!

Today, I am grateful to the program for helping to discover the things within me that make me crazy! And to be able with the help of my God, to change those things. Or rather, to allow Him mold me. To call on Him and trust He can do it, because I alone cannot!

Today, I am grateful for the friends I have in the program, and their ability to see within me. And to not be critical but accepting of my nuttiness!

The Blahs

What a week. I am so glad it is over. I am home tonight. The new guy is out with his friend. You know, I get confused when this happens on the weekend. I don't get why. I think that something is wrong. Anytime he does something different. Maybe its just that the newness of the relationship is now cooling off some. I do not like this feeling - again! I don't feel like doing anything and it almost seems like I get a little depressed. I hate that! But I am not too sad. Just wondering why...and he calls me whenever he is with his friends. Its like he's checking in to let me know what they are doing. I think that's weird too. I don't do that when I'm with my friends. I was gonna go to a new Salsa club tonight but didn't even think about it when he said he was going to be with his friend tonight. I totally forgot it. I had stuff to do here, and, I didn't do them...I think I did maybe half of all I wanted to do. I can't stand that about me either.

But I went to the movies early today and I thought it was going to be a group from church. It wasn't. It was the guy who asked me if we could "hang out" from this past Sunday. We've known each other for a long time and I thought just hanging out was okay. I still think its okay. We talked alot this week. I felt like he was trying to lead me in a relationship kind of direction. Romantic direction. So Friday I had to have a "lets make everything clear" talk with him. He seemed to be wanting that and I didn't' think I should mislead him. He said he wanted friendship and only to have someone to hang out with. So that's where we are today. He seemed pretty sad though. But, his apartment has been closed due to a fire recently and luckily, his apt didn't burn up but it does have smoke damage. So he can't stay there until Monday now. I felt kinda sad for him. He is staying with a friend of his. I felt the need to help him too, when he mentioned he couldn't stay at his own place! Just like I wanted to help the kids earlier this week, I wanted to help him.

I did have a good time with him. He was very polite and it was funny, he kept his distance from me and it was noticeable. In the movie, we sat with one empty chair in between us. I thought, weird, but not for this guy, really. Anyway, the movie was funny. Blades of Glory.

I do know my dogs are glad I didn't go anywhere. They were dying for my attention. All day long! It was eighty degrees here and they wanted to be in the house with me! Well, such was my day...church tomorrow.

Hey...maybe that's who I need to give it to...my HP....hmmm. Night...