The Night Before My Birthday

I took the day off from work. I played all day with my new cell phone (since January its new). I laid in bed with my phone and my little Shit zu, Deacon. He loves it when I am home with him all day. He stays right next to me all the time. I shop so much on my phone. I feel like its a game to find the most useful apps when I really don't use them much at all. Not enough time to use them a lot! I loved it, I slept in (8:30am), stayed in bed other than what I had to do. Deacon loved it too.

My family and I had dinner at a local Indian restaurant. My friend who is going through crazy stuff also came. It was good to see her having a good time. I love being with my family. Missed my dad a lot again. The kids gave me a card that made me almost cry again! And money! Woo hoo! I was surprised about that one! I think I will go purse shopping tomorrow with that! I also got two Taebo DVDs, some I had been looking at but had not purchased. Although I did find one - but it turned out to be not what I was wanting. But we will see. I have not bought any of the new Taebo stuff. Not sure why. I think I just like the Zumba and Biggest Loser DVDs more.

Work is going better since January is over! Its been crazy the last couple months. Seems like that for everyone though.

Still no meetings...but I think I want to go to Grief share again since Papa's death. It helped me with Mama's death immensely and I think I would benefit the same now. I know its still pretty fresh having happened in August but it is affecting me very differently now. I feel my concentration is gone! I make lots of mistakes at work, that I think I should have seen coming. If I get stuck on something I can't set it aside and try later - I stick with it but I don't get anywhere with it! I have never had so much trouble on a job before. The thing is, it started before my dad passed away and I also had a really bad year the year my mom passed away. Like it was a warning something big was coming in the future or something. Weird. But anyway, I seem to find comfort in my electronics, my online game, my nocturne romance books, anything to take me away from where I am in my real life.

I did start going back to church at the prodding of one of my kids. So that is great! I found an app of the Bible and so I don't need to carry my bible to church now. I do love that idea. I can also make notes in it and search it -- easier than the normal way. So we will see how that goes.

Well, bedtime. Gotta get up early tomorrow and I am late...

Been Quite A While for Me

Well, its been a long time and I just suddenly thought of this blog once again. I am working so far away from home now. So far that I just stay out here with a co-worker during the week. Its great to have someone so similar to me to stay with. We like a lot of the same things and we get along great. We do differ on food though, big differences there.

Another big thing happened in my life in August. My dad has now passed away. It hurts so badly. I feel like I am not mourning like I think I should be yet again, like when Mama passed away. But like now when I blog about it, I feel it the most. And yesterday. My car was leaking oil and I was so daing lost as to who to take my car to for it to be fixed. Yes, Papa always had someone but that was also on the weekends only. I don't know why I don't just go see him. I think it will cause me to have memories and I WILL fall apart while I am there. And, he keeps the car, so there really is no place for me to go once he has it. Papa was always with me and we would go eat or do something else or whatever we needed to do so we did not sit around waiting. That was the fun part. I guess I would just have to take someone with me now to get me back and forth...but who? Its so far away but I trust him not to screw me over! I am not so sure about anyone else. So yet again I am a little lost. I did manage to find someone but I still need more work done...my leak is much smaller but still there due to another area that needs fixing. At least I hope that is true what they told me. They seemed to be trustful.

I can't believe its been more than a year since my last post. Not been to meetings at all...I work so far away when I get home I stay home. But I guess that makes sense...its been a little over a year since I started this job as a temp. Now I am a permanent employee. I love it but it is stressful. I need to find some way to better handle my stress. I know its affecting my skin, and my health. I am so tired, but I think that is mostly my fault. I still fight sleep...to play an online game where I have a partner. And a whole second life online. And dammit, I work too much there too. Its a great life there where I am taken care of and I get to have so much more than my own life. Its so opposite of my life but its a lot of work too. So it has been pretty easy to not get online to play, but even when I do not get online...I still stay up doing something...anything. Anything other than going to bed like I should! Why? I was so tired earlier and nearly falling asleep on the couch. But here I am now blogging.. and not tired again!

I also have a friend going thru a lot of craziness, its bringing back old memories too. And I invited my kids dad to go somewhere with me and some friends a few weeks ago and maybe he took it the wrong way, but thought he could ask for anything. And he did, so why did I think he might be a little more mature after going thru all that crap he went through? I have no idea. He hasn't changed at all it seems. But not a big surprise I guess. At least it should not have been.

I work right along the Missouri River where it has been flooded all summer and they recently re-opened the highway again for the shorter path home. It looks so dusty and muddy, and still plenty of water around the highway. Its pretty scary actually...the water is still too close to the road. The shoulder of the highway is actually gone now and there is water there. That is how close the water is to the highway now. So if it starts raining bad again...who knows. It may be shut down again. But it did not seem any faster this morning. I still made it into town around the same time as the longer way!

Well, I think I just needed to dump my thoughts somewhere safe...or maybe not so safe, huh? But, I needed to do this or journal. And I do not have a journal with me. So here I am --- and here I go! Until next time.

???

Okay I know its not my problem but I can't help thinking about it anyway.... going thru the "what ifs" moment right now...

I have sporadically made it to a couple of meetings since the last post. And now I need more.

I made it to a meeting!!!

I made it to a meeting a few weeks ago and forgot to post! I haven't made it back yet. It was good to see everyone.

All turning out well...

Well, concerning my last post, it does seem to be turning out okay. I, on the other hand am still depriving myself of sleep. I am on vacation for a few days and seem to have stuffed my first day full of stuff I want to do. And I should be in bed, but fighting it again.

I just dropped my oldest off at college and I am glad she is going back. Still worried about the financial part of it. But it hasn't seemed to stop her from going.

One of my darlings got into some trouble and I don't want to post exactly what - even though if you are in AA or Al-Anon circles, it really applies here. She is working this matter out herself and I am glad to see that. I have helped her a little this week, glad to do so though. It doesn't get requested often. But it is in her hands and she is taking care of it.

I am getting quite a bit of exercise and my blood sugar numbers are looking really good. I did get my A1C down from 7.2 to 6.3! So very happy about that. My goal was 6.5, but I never thought it would drop down so fast!!! I am very tired though, maybe its the SLEEP I'm still missing!!! Ya Think???

I need to get to a meeting. I think I will go sometime this week!

Good night!

Speechless

Received some bad news today...I am pretty speechless. Concerning a loved one. I hope it does not continue to progress in the wrong direction. That's all I can utter right now. All I am willing to post.

I am grateful for:
My God
My kids
My Grand baby
My Family
Al-Anon community
The ability to let go and know it will be okay
The ability to do the above and not fight with myself so much about it

Still Here!

Still feeling stuck and things aren't moving still, but I feel better. Maybe this is where I am supposed to be right now...for what reason I don't know, but I'm still here. I guess I need to make it work while I am here. And be grateful I am not in a worse situation, because right now, I could be.

I am feeling stuck...in my life.

Okay still gone for a while. My poor little car is now dead, I really need a major change in my life both professional and financial and I am very slow to make it happen. I have always been that way and I thought that had changed. But to my - somewhat - surprise it is still a bad habit. I am taking care of my diabetes, but the other stuff is what I am hesitating on. Like I can only concentrate on one area at a time. But it needs to be moving faster in the other areas. I am pretty disappointed with myself and I keep getting distracted by frivolous things in my life. They matter, but the financial and professional parts matter more. And I am at a standstill there and while I procrastinate....things are not getting better. I feel stuck in more ways than one and I can't move like I'm stuck in tar or something.

Been gone a minute or two!

Well, its been a very long time since I've been here! I was diagnosed with Diabetes in December and I've been really working on me! Still haven't been to a meeting, still stressed at work, my beau has moved in now, and I am about to start a diet to lose weight so I can get off these meds I'm on! I hope I can do it. The Dr. Ian Four Day Diet. Myself and family members too. I am hoping this will be good to my body! I am doing well on watching what I eat and I am doing well with my blood sugar.

My body is getting used to the lower blood sugars too. It used to affect me when I got into the 300's but now it affects me when it goes into the 200's! I am staying pretty much into my target ranges, 100 - 150 except for some mornings I am over 120. I will see an educator this week so I can figure out what is going on there with my higher numbers in the morning!

I think I really need to get back to my meetings again. I just notice some codependent behavior I want to change or maybe that I just noticed. So I think I need to pick back up my meetings and my daily readings. Well, so much for now!

Elf Dance - starring us!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

This is what gives me joy

This is what gives me joy this weekend. Been spending time with my grandbaby who loves to go to his cousins to play...cousins, right? He is the grandbaby and the two are my sisters kids. Well, whatever! He loves to go play with them.

Still no meeting. But looking to make a change here soon. I feel like I should but I am unsure again. I think I am letting a certain part of my life run wild and I can't seem reign it back in. I can't seem to start the change rolling and I know I need to. So I am starting to take baby steps to change that part of my life. And I need to get back to church! Missing God too...

Stressed and Sick this week

Well, feeling stressed at work again and sick this week, but I am not going to just let it get to me. I am going to do what I can in the time I have been given. There is a lot not getting done. My duties are covered less some filing, but it can wait. But the extra is getting a lot harder to get to. I hate that. It does feel overwhelming. But I can only do what I can and I think I do that well. The extra too if I can get to it!

Still no meeting. I really need to take care of me. My boss is even taking time off and starting to take care of her needs first. So it got me to realizing that I am not. I need to care for me quite a bit right now! I need to see the doctor, dentist, pay bills, clean up around here, and relax! Besides do this side work I was planning on doing for a friend! So much stuff to do. My car is having trouble too but I need more money to handle it. I may just need to change mechanics! I am really thinking that may be my problem with my car.

I want to get back to my meetings but I am so tired at the end of the week. I just stay home. During the summer it was going out and doing things...now I'm just tired. Unless my car is down or something.

Well, back to my life!

Wandering in my thoughts

Still have not made a meeting. Feeling better at work. But still a bit stressed. I am doing my readings. Well, one anyway. Not really reading the rest of my devotionals.

I am grateful for:

My kids
My grand baby
My Man
My Deacon - my dog
My Car
My Job
My faith, though I feel I really have to work at it too - at this moment in my life.
The weather being cooler!!! I love it but rainy...boo hoo.
My Home

I don't really know what to write...I think I must really get back to my meetings cause I just don't know what to say here. Its like I just can't think of what I am actually working on. I am slowly trying to change old habits. I feel like I keep falling back into them over and over. I try, a little progress happens, a compliment comes and I fall straight back into the old ways suddenly!

Well off to bed, I can at least do that correctly for once!

Ciao!

Historic Week

I just am amazed by what I have seen this week. The first African-American to be the Presidential Candidate, and the first woman Vice Presidential Candidate! Okay, so not the first - I forgot about Ms Ferraro!!!! Still, I am so shocked and amazed at us(America)! And grateful! I didn't think I'd see either this soon in my life! I still think Hillary should be the VP, but it isn't over yet! I am in awe.

I ended up not taking on so much of the position that is leaving. It did seem impossible and I kept saying so. So now it was dumped on others. I feel pressure still, but it isn't so hard anymore. I feel like I can only do what I can do and they see that. I feel good about it but it always sits in my mind that they think I should do more. And it just doesn't happen. I don't know if its good or bad. Good for me, I'm not killing myself.

Tension due to work

I feel the tension again. My job wants me to take on new responsibilities since someone is leaving. I want the learning experience but I think it will be a lot of pressure...not sure what I want to do. Its made me a little scared...I am not understanding that part. I am worried I guess of being more responsible for the things they are asking me to do. Much of which I do partly but not fully in my current position.

What to do... what to do....

Just some thoughts

Well, I can sleep again much better now. When the little one isn't barking at anyone! He seemed more quiet when Timber was around. I don't recall him barking so much but, I could have just slept deeper at that time.

I still have not been back to my meetings on Fridays. I want to, but never feel like it. Though I am still posting to an online group. And reading but not too much. I am doing the daily reading of Courage to Change on a daily basis. Still seeing myself in there - a LOT! I am really not sure what to post today, just checking on my blog...somebody tagged me as SPAM for some reason. Or whatever happened. Anyway, I guess its okay, I am now on it so, I can access it again.

I was thinking about how I am late for work still. Or again actually. I still love my job. It is stressful, fast-paced, etc. I keep trying to change my early morning bad habits but I don't! As much as I plan for it to change things, it just doesn't happen. And I don't get it! I try going to bed earlier, then I feel groggy or bad the next morning. I get little sleep and most times I feel real good but I get tired after lunch. I don't know what to do. Maybe I need to keep praying.

I guess I'll try.

My Big Boy is gone

Last Sunday morning I lost my Alaskan Malamute of 12 years. It was very sad. And very unexpected. Just wanted to post a picture of him. He had a tumor and had become suddenly very sick. I'm really gonna miss him. The house seems empty. Bye Timber.

My Fourth

Hope everyone had a happy 4th!

Mine was pretty darn good this year. I hung out with my kids who had told their father (my ex) what we were going to do. So we all hung out together. Unfortunately, my bf didn't join us. I think he likes it more quiet. So he was missing but my energy was mostly focused on the grand baby and my ex's wife's baby. They made the whole night! Their reactions to all the fireworks was so cute. OOOOOs and Oh Man! All night long. The grand baby is 2 and the other is 3. They were so cute. I got some really crappy pictures of the fireworks display we watched. And a pretty good video. And I had a good time. We went out to eat after that and then ended our night.

It wasn't weird at all to hang out with them. My ex and his wife. No one seems to understand much how we even get along. But we do. I feel comfortable. I don't want to do it all the time or much really, but last night was fine. I'm sure something will come up sometime, but for now every thing is okay. This wife is the woman whom he cheated on me with - he ended up marrying her. You know it did bother me back then, but I still knew it wasn't meant for me to be with him. Even as we ended I knew it even then. So maybe that's why.

I did notice one thing, with all this stuff happening at my place, like a few things I'd need a handy man for, I always expect my ex to help - even still. I don't think that's good but I don't seem to want to trust anyone else in that area. I don't know anyone who does that kind of work that I can call. My bf doesn't seem to know all of what I need. Some stuff yes, but not all and what he had been able to help me with, he has. So I do feel uneasy about that within me. And especially now that I hear people are screwing over others who don't know in this carpentry and handyman area...I am even more jumpy and unwilling to call anyone else. I guess that was one area I never had a problem trusting my ex with. That he did well.

Today I am thankful for:
My kids
My grand baby
the relationship I can handle with my ex and his wife
My dogs
My God, who has allowed this to enhance my life instead of letting it tear me up inside
My program which has something to do with the above as well

Long time, no posts!

Geez! Its been a long time since I've posted anything new. My Pom never came back. I already have another dog who was not able to stay with my cousin. He's been through two now...one left with his son, and now they've moved and can't take the dog with them. So now he's mine. He is so playful! Its a Shitzu. Such a happy dog. I really like him. He is bigger than I wanted but is so good. He minds and has been house trained very well. I've not had a dog like that before. I've always had to work with them - a lot! Probably since I don't have much time at home anyway. It's always been work.

My grand baby was here today with my daughter. They spent time here while waiting for her car to be fixed. He is just so talkative now. He tries to say everything he hears. I wish I was more grandma-like. I feel like I should just be keeping him often, but I don't and I don't want to. I do visit them a bit. But I just love my free weekends even if I do nothing! Maybe that will change in the future. Well, enough for now...

Still haven't been to a meeting...well. Its been maybe three weeks! I do a daily posting of Courage to Change though for an online group I am a member of. Which I forgot to do today!!! So I played catch-up about an hour ago!

Feeling Better Today...

I'm finally feeling better. I physically feel better now than I have in the last couple of months. And I want to do stuff now. I think I need to keep up the exercise.

I recently lost my little Pom, she just took off when she was let out to go potty! Not like her. But she'd been acting a little crazy the last few weeks. Not wanting to come back inside. Spring Fever? Well, I just have a feeling she may be back. I hope so. I am currently watching my cousins dog while he is out of town. She's real cute but, bigger than I am used to. So I am having a bit of stress since I am not used to a dog who wants so much attention. Maybe we both are because I am gone most of the day. So she wants all my attention when I get home. My other dog is a Malamute and he's old. In good shape but, he doesn't like to play so much anymore. Its funny to see him get mad and check the little one, or scare her back into place.

Easter got here pretty fast I think. I won't see my grandbaby since he's with his dad this weekend. Wah. But I do see him often.

I have not been to a meeting since the end of January. A long time! I need to get back to them. I miss them both, but I need to get to one. And my Friday Al-Anon is the one I can make it to easily. Anyway, I will. Its next week in a new meeting place! It's gonna save us lots of money too!

Well, today I'm feeling better!