More issues to deal with!!!!

I have found so much this week that I need to work on. Besides trying not to allow the situation with my daughter and her ex to affect me, I also chatted with a friend in the program about the situation and he offered some help. I know it is just that, help. But due to things in my past, and my children's past, it bothered me. It really bothered me. I totally trust this man, but my experience in the past with a few men caused me to immediately question him. And unfortunately, I was not very nice about it. I would totally trust in any other area, except this one, I trust only one. I really didn't even realize it was still there so strongly. And, I think since in the past I wouldn't really show my anger and I do now, I come across quite mean sometimes. I really wish this wasn't so strong and I know that I am not really willing to budge on this issue yet. I don't want to be this way, but it is something I feel very strongly about. Unfortunately, I don't necessarily trust the men in my own family so, I think will have a very hard time changing this attitude towards men when it comes to my children. And yes, they are grown, maybe that is how I need to look at it.
I tend to stand on the defensive when it comes to them and anyone I know interacting with them. A while back, quite a few years, a man I worked with did something I jumped all over him for. I'd known him for a couple years and I would take my children with me to work and when him and I became closer friends he started to interact with one of my kids. Just playing around with them, it was innocent but as I watched, I got more upset and just walked right over and told him NEVER to do it again. I do not trust any man but their father dealing with them in that way. No play uncles, cousins, whatever! It is just not allowed. Of course, the girls were a lot younger then. And their father wasn't around. This is also why I would never invite any male friends over to my place and I still won't. Only if my ex was there. Anyway, when I did this to him(back then) it hurt his feelings and he said he meant nothing by it, he was quite stunned. I really didn't care whether he was hurt or not, we did remain friends though, I know he understood my point too. This time when it happened, I felt badly because of who it was, and I needed to talk about it with someone else. I know he meant well, but I was not willing to accept that at this time, and my attitude wouldn't change. I had to give that to God and ask for the change in attitude and even that was a struggle. I do think this is normal for a mom, especially if there is abuse in the past. I never did deal with my issue in any real way and I really don't know how. I guess since it has come up, it is now time to deal with it. So another season in my recovery has started.

Along with that, I have another surprise I can't yet mention, I am not real happy about but I accept it, and as soon as she lets it out, I will too. My ex's girlfriend is now in jail and he is calling often(daily, though I don't always answer) and is on me to come see him. The bad thing is I want to. I do resist though, I do talk to him and he is fine on the phone, but if it is face to face alone, he pushes the limits again. Now that she's gone I assume that is what is on his mind. And me without a man, huh? I know it isn't the road to travel again and I will not go there, but surprising to me, it is suddenly hard to resist. He claims the reason he likes to talk to me is my ability to be so non-judgmental concerning his life - I don't say what everyone else is saying or anything hurtful. I really think I need to be accountable to someone regarding this area, although I don't know how that might work, or even if I am supposed to do that in recovery, since I am supposed to make the decisions for me. I do feel bad because I feel this way too, not totally, but I do feel like I am nuts for even having trouble with it at all!

Being non-judgmental...I hope I can get to that point with my daughters ex...Anger jumps on me so quickly when I hear anything bad between them. And I know he has problems too that need treatment and a program. I just am not so compassionate towards him at all right now.

On a lighter note, I did the American Heart Association Walk today on the Plaza. Two and a half miles this morning with my company's team. We had fun, I forgot my camera though! I also attended a friend's Quinceanera(15th birthday) today. That was fun too, my first, it was very casual. Only the birthday girl had to dress up. And she looked good! Not so much dancing though, not that I would anyway. I may have tried to...maybe. But it was fun nonetheless.

And if you are not familiar with the Quinceanera, I found info on it that explains it very well:

A Quinceanera (in the tradition of it) is for Mexicans and other Hispanics, it started out with the Aztec Indians and the Mexicans picked up the tradition and changed it a little, Sweet 16's are for EVERYONE, not just white, black. Hispanics have them, Indians have them and even Asians have them. The difference is that the Quince is a tradition, there is a wonderful religious service dedicating the young lady to the Lord and guiding her in the steps so that she knows and honors him. A Sweet 16 can have all of those things but it is really on the lines of having a coming out party, contillion or debutante ball. It was a way of announcing to society that your daughter is at the age for marriage and family. Today the tradition has changed as women are now allowed to be educated. There is no longer the announcing to society and having the special family gathering (I do still see this!) it is a celebration of a girl becomming a young woman. Quinceaneras have held their traditions and that is what makes them wonderful.