Flying too close to the flame??? Again?

A close friend just mentioned I am spending lots of time with my ex again. I am not spending time with him. I am talking to him again - a lot. And, he is apologizing and crying and all that kinda thing. No, I am not thinking of taking him back. I do know why he is calling me, she's gone right now. She will be back and it isn't me contacting him, and things are different now. Boy! If that didn't sound defensive! But, we can actually talk about what happened between us and both of us know it was meant to happen. So instead of getting upset about what she says this time, I can look at me and evaluate what's going on, if there is any truth to what she says. And there isn't. We do share recovery and that is almost our entire conversation each time we talk, besides the kids troubles and happenings. Yes, he does throw in his - can we do anything line. If we are together, he doesn't touch me. I refuse, and yes, he gets upset and pouts. Not trying to show it to me though. Then he says he knows he shouldn't ask, but he does anyway. Well, I was informed his mom was out of town for a week or so, so if I get lonely, I could call. I haven't talked to him all week except once. And it wasn't about being lonely it was again about whatever he is revealing to his therapist and feels he wants to share with me I guess? It is some pretty disturbing stuff I knew somewhat a little about when I met him, but I had no idea how bad it was.

And you know what? While he shared these things with me, he mentioned something that he had previously told me but I thought nothing about. He described an incident that brought back to my memory my past abuse. The issue that bothers me about my kids to this day. Well, it isn't the exact same issue, but it just seems like me needing to deal with this past abuse keeps coming up again. When he previously shared it, I didn't think of his experience as abuse, but it is. Like I was numb to it or didn't recognize it as abuse since I feel it happens to everyone. Only now is it really coming clear since I've been in the Al-Anon program. And I remember how someone shared with me that codependents sometimes think we are responsible for our own abuses, even at the hands of someone else. I thought, no, I'd never feel like that. But I do, I know it wasn't right for that person to do as they did, but I feel like I could have stopped it at any time and didn't! Now I know that it is what it was - abuse. Not my fault, I was young, very young and the person responsible was an adult. As a matter of fact, since then, I kept such a close eye on my girls, especially with this man. I taught them to say something if anyone does put their hands on them inappropriately. It didn't matter who the person was, it was wrong. My abuse was not near what many others go thru, but it still has an affect on me to this day! And no, I haven't yet sought counseling...I know I need to...soon. The fear I felt a couple of weeks ago was not pleasant. I don't want to have that reaction with any and every man who comes into contact with my kids. My grown kids...

But maybe I am flying too close to the flame again. Well, this time I don't feel the pull like I did before. And if I again get to feeling like I want to see him or be with him, I know it will pass if I just ask God for His help. I hear it from those I share this with, if I hear some concern in a comment or like my friend who says it straight out, I listen to it and examine me. The person that I used to be is still too fresh to be non-chalant about it. It's only been a year or so. I used to be offended by such a comment. Now I just feel its God prodding me to get back in line. To "Watch it". At least I can look at myself honestly now. And, I know my culture plays a strong part in it too. I am very submissive, especially with men. I still try not to offend someone's feelings, especially if I am not familiar with them (which does not apply to my ex! I offend him quite often - now, joking though - but not really!). But I heard and I feel I am responding appropriately. In a way that will keep me safe and taking care of me. In another area, I am not doing that! I need sleep and here I am! Good night!

Jazz Fest anyone??? http://www.kansascitymusic.com/festival/