New Grandbaby Pics, Final Episodes night

There he is! My little grand baby! He's just so cute! I just purchased a digital camera and am having so much fun with it! For you geeks out there it is a SONY Cybershot 5.1 Megapixel Camera. I only have a 512MB card in it so I only will fit about 300 pictures on it. I love it! It's great! I know I could have splurged more but I am a cheap geek! And rather tight right now so that explains why I don't have the latest and greatest! And why I am just now buying one! The reason is who you see above! Didn't have a legitimate reason why I should have one before he came along!!!!

This little boy is so fussy at night and in particular today! What with all the TV finale stuff going on all night! He sure did pick a night to do his wailing! Grey's Anatomy was on, Bush was on, Prison Break! Man! We needed to be taping it all! They were good by the way, the parts we did get to concentrate on anyway!

Being grateful for today

Today was a very good day. I worked my Avon, did deliveries, spent time with my sister and her husband. Then passed out after a very good meal that was paid for! Even after the nap I was starting to feel kind of down or unappreciated. Why? I really don't know. I just did. So I started reading some of my fellow bloggers postings once I got home. And this one is one I needed to hear for today...Check it out: Sober Chick: Hi-5 2 5 senses It made me think of what I am grateful for today and everyday. I needed to think on these things.

I guess I wish I had a new man in my life. I actually do, kind of, that's kind of sad, I didn't even realize I actually do. I have been seeing the man who took me to the Chiefs game in December. He is very nice to me. I am attracted to him in a different way than I have been attracted to men in the past. I am attracted to him due to the way he treats me - with kindness, compliments that seem never ending, he reminds me of what he thinks of me whenever we talk. He thinks very highly of me it seems. I am definitely not used to that - at least not for the past few years. I know my ex doesn't think badly of me, he has told me many times he is not holding anything against me for what has happened (not that it was my fault, it was him who left - my fault to a point I've learned). But this new man, I haven't known him long and I actually miss him when I don't hear from him. He isn't what I normally am attracted to and maybe that is why I am sort of resisting this a little. It is different, and I am a little scared to even start down that road, but it is starting. Okay, let me be very honest, I am quite scared to start down that road, but I am allowing it.

I notice that he seems to cater to me and I love it, but I am not used to it. I think codependence, my culture, and my own beliefs make me think this is wrong. It should be me catering to him, not the other way around. But, I still love it. Now he's asked me to attend the opening practice for the Chiefs and, unlike the last man who asked when we were going out, I immediately said yes! I am attracted to the other man sexually, which is more of what I am used to. Not that I am or had been acting on that impulse, because I do not. Because I feel that he treats me as if I need to learn from him or I feel that he treats me somewhat inferior, I don't care to spend time with him. I believe all he wants is sex. Not too interested in that attitude. Wow, I think that is an excellent change happening within me. Something I hadn't noticed before this post! I wanted to go out with #2(sexual interest guy) but chose to spend time with #1(football guy). I thought, and still do to some extent, that sexual interest was to come first. Thank goodness for recovery teaching me a thing or two - I see I am developing new thinking. I am very grateful for the friends I have in recovery, I know their experience and sharing has helped me develop my thinking as well.

Codependency says, I need to change for him...to make him happy. The Mexican culture shows me the man is head of the household. He leads, I am to follow his lead, regardless of what I want. Of course, the younger the generation is, I think the less this is true. Or maybe I just always left out the fact that he should be treating me good, period. I have seen this many times over in the Mexican culture. The woman is interested in pursuing something - if he doesn't approve, it will not happen, no matter how badly she wants it.
The bible says I am to be submissive to my husband and he is the head of the household. Now, I know God did not intend for women to be mistreated, so I obviously haven't understood these beliefs correctly. I know what I had was not a godly relationship. But I sure was working to make it that way I thought, and we wasn't ever my husband! If you go by Common Law, maybe so, he used to say this to me repeatedly too, he felt we were already married. Common Law I didn't care for.

Now I know codependency is something I need to work on and change in my life. And I misinterpreted, or just carried too far my religious beliefs where they should not have been applied yet in my life. But in order for me to recover I did need to go through this, so God is at work in my life regardless of my screw ups! He can, and has turned things around for His good! And mine! But you know, there is that culture part, I also believe that it is correct and know that I need to watch myself and not let me lose sight of me in the process of another relationship. I want to be that wife who can cater to her man. I want him to lead. When a man leaves all the decisions to me, I don't like it. I also want to be cared for as well. I want to be happy. So I think I really need to be careful. It seems there is a very fine line between my past and my present. Okay, I now see there may be some deep fourth step work involved here, and I need to work on it. I started and stopped just before the grand baby arrived. Therein may lie my answer to why I believe as I do. And what I must do to gain some balance in my life. Thanks for listening.

And a share on serenity that touched me today as well...
http://cupcakemonkey.blogspot.com/2006/05/serenity-is-always-available-to-me-but.html

God never fails!

I feel a little silly sharing this story of what has troubled me the last two days. Over the weekend has been the long awaited time for my new cube to be built. It was built so I could be back in the same area as the Accounting department. A previous move had placed me completely out of the department. My boss didn't care for that at all. It wasn't convenient at all.

Okay, so they built my cube. I knew it was not going to be ideal. But the CEO didn't care for the design and, at the last minute, changed them for the better. Only thing is my cube only has three walls and is open towards the main hallway of the building. I am pretty much visible to any and everyone who passes by and all the way to the rear of the building. I don't care for it and after a little more tweaking, I still don't. Monday I was asked what I thought of it and how I felt. I was fuming until that point. This was my chance to let the top guy know exactly how I felt! So I did. I do like the space but I feel naked! Referring to the opening in my cube. He did mention it had been changed for the better, and I replied yes, but I still feel naked. Then I explained that was the only gripe I had. Nothing else was said...by either of us. I guessed, well, who knows. I really was not happy and I think you could tell it.

So today I felt better, went to work, but started pouting after I arrived in my cube. I felt like nothing I could say would make any difference. I got angry again. I had to keep asking God not to let me stay angry. Each time I felt it, I had to ask for His help again. It happened most of the morning. Finally it went away after I kept thinking, I can't change this, it doesn't help to complain or be angry about it. Complaining may be okay, but I knew if I did I would just get very smart ass....and that was not going to be professional. I felt quite a bit out of control and I'd better let God handle this because I could tell I was not going to handle it correctly myself! Well, later in the day, actually, for the last two days, people looking into my cube either voiced their opinions about being able to see so much of it; visitors were totally able to see me working and see my PC screen; and my supervisor could see it into my cube too well, I guess. I don't think she liked the view(hmmm). So at the end of the day I hear her saying she wants me closed up a little more. She took others to the rear of the building to show how much she could see and only a small panel is needed to cover me up just enough. Yeah!!!! So now we will see what is going to be adjusted tomorrow! I just started thanking God that I listened and He helped me to deal with it and left it up to Him. He's taking care of it! That I can trust!

This really bothered me to no end today (this morning). I am glad it will be worked out. I can just give it my all again. And just do my job in my new space, which, actually is bigger than my last space, brighter, closer to everything I used frequently and close to the bathrooms! LOL! Okay, I'm done! God is faithful!

More Cinco de Mayo & Unexpected visits

So much for taking my father to any Cinco de Mayo stuff. He doesn't care to go. He said he wanted to see the Aguilars, but never mentioned it to anyone. And all the groups at Crown Center aren't of any interest to him. So maybe my sister and I will go. She wants to do something and doesn't know about anything going on, so we are still on. Only I have a couple things to do today so it breaks up my day pretty much until tonight! Still early though. We will still be able to do something. It is someone by the name of Flaco Jiminez tonight. I wish it was warmer though...Not too nice out side, chilly.

I was paid a very unexpected visit by my ex yesterday evening and this morning. He was coming to see the grandbaby,who was not there yet. I guess they don't have a phone so he can check if we are here. Anyway, he was very uneasy, nervous, or paranoid. It freaked me out but I kept on preparing for the evening. He continued to tell me what had been happening in his life. As expected, things aren't going well. He's going to go to court for domestic violence, they told him he would need a lawyer. He seems to be a little worried about it. Of course, he jokingly said "If only your Mama had married me, I wouldn't be going thru this now." My daughter said, "Oh yeah, I bet that's the real reason, huh?" Then we all laughed. He asked her if he could come back to us. He asked me that yesterday, actually, he didn't ask, he told me he was. "You can't come here" I told him. He keeps saying he's going to leave her, as if that will change our answer. He talks so badly of her and it sounds exactly how the kids and I used to describe him. He called her the Devil. I said, "Man, that's what we thought of you at the time you lived here!" It only makes me think I am seeing him get back what he's given out. That's really kinda spooky too!

She has lost custody of her kids and her family will not allow her to see the kids anymore. I can't imagine how that feels. She is already disturbed, now I can't imagine how she feels. I miss my grandbaby almost the minute he goes out the door, and he isn't even my child. Boy, I just can't imagine, and then she has to put up with this ass of a man. Anyway, I feel bad for her. The kids became fond of her baby too.

Well, I am about to attend a graduation for a friend today. And catch up to my sister later. Another link for Cinco de Mayo in KC! www.fiestakc.org
And another! KCK Events: http://aztecadegreaterkansascity.org/html/events.html

Something else I remembered after posting yesterday. My ex said he didn't like how I was able to find out about my culture so easily. That was his reason for me not to try to find out more or be a part of it and, it somehow changes me. He says he has no history to discover, I find that very hard to believe. They have an entire month devoted to African-American History and more and more of it keeps coming out! Oh, excuse me! There I go trying to figure him out again! Sorry! Bye!

Rediscovering my own culture

Today is a very popular Mexican...holiday? No, day of celebration! Historical day in Mexican history. And, in the past I never really paid it much attention. I was so involved in my relationship, with someone who didn't have the same culture and didn't care to know anymore about it. Maybe, who knows why he felt that way. He always said I wasn't like that when we met. But you know, as you mature, you realize the importance of your own history. It does finally become important or meaningful to you. I want to, and have always wanted to learn more about it...Since I feel I neglected it for so long.

I had the pleasure of attending a concert last night where there were only Mexican entertainers. None of which I knew or have ever heard of! I almost didn't go. I had not been out with this friend in a while and I wanted to spend time with her. She is Mexican as well, when I hang out with her it is very different than any other close friends I have. Her circle of friends are almost entirely Hispanic. I have never hung out with any Hispanic people except for my family and we have adopted the American culture much more so than most other Hispanic families. Or it has just slowly drifted out of our lives little by little. It seems that way anyway. Maybe that is just in my life. Since he really didn't like for me to 'so called' change, I would pursue my interests in my culture for a time and then just let it go when he made too much fuss about it. As I was with so many Mexicans last evening enjoying the concert, I was thinking, how much more of this have I missed - I felt a little sad because of it! I didn't know who this singer (entire family - Aguilars) was, I didn't know the words to the songs, didn't recognize most of the songs, but I had such a good time watching the crowd interact, listening to the music, and trying to understand the language and learning more of it as the night went on. I had a great time! I did have to ask a few times for translation, but for the most part, I understood the language a lot better than I thought I would. If I were asked to translate I would have had a problem though. A lot of what I understood was due to the context it was being used mostly, I understood the gist of the conversation or jokes. The jokes were the hardest to follow, but I think I did good.

It was good to be there although, if I had not been with my friend, I would have felt totally out of place and very uncomfortable. I did notice there was no other culture represented there. Purely Mexican culture was there last night. I heard the gritos(shouts) all around me in response to the songs, and it was very familiar even though my family doesn't really attend concerts like this. I think, I know, my father would have loved this concert. It was available for free to me at the very last minute, and only one ticket. I must find out more of our celebrations around town this weekend and get my dad and maybe my sister to go with me. It is so fun finding out about my culture more and without any hindrances! I am loving it. It really is a journey thru this recovery process. What I used to say was I was upset about having to start all over again, not anymore! Now I am totally enjoying it!

History behind Cinco De Mayo: http://www.inside-mexico.com/featurecinco.htm

Letting go...

I mentioned in the last post about having a hard time with my anger and rescuing... It did linger a little bit this past week. Every time someone mentioned him or I knew my daughter was talking to him, I got angry. I decided to share with a lady friend via email. She suggested I give him over to God. Man! Why didn't I just think if that? So simple. But very hard to do. I did pray for protection of the baby and my daughter. Not that anything is happening. Just did so to feel comfortable. So I did this with him too. Well I did this probably Monday, I didn't realize until Thursday that those feelings were gone! All gone! I hadn't thought about it or anything until the meeting Thursday night. It worked! I know how I am to handle things most times, but when it comes to giving it up or letting it go and let God, I usually need to be reminded! Her suggestion helped me so much! She also could relate having been in a similar situation.

This past Sunday we had a guest speaker at our church. He was excellent! He spoke on relationships, sexual issues and gave his own testimony. His story is pretty interesting. Anyway, I've not heard anyone speak so openly on sexual issues before. Of course, he did not do this at our church, there was a CD with an interview he did on those topics. Very good by the way. Nothing I EVER would have asked any pastor or minister - EVER! I will leave you with a link to his site. I think he's great! His name is Sy Rogers. I've not heard someone be so open about their past sexual history as he was in church. I've only heard that in meetings really. He did talk about acceptance within the Christian community of those whom we know are in lifestyles that are not accepted by the church. Basically, we don't know how to begin to share Christ in a loving and accepting way to those who are currently living in sin. Our approach is usually wrong. Instead of just trying to win a debate, we should just share Christ, not try to prove who is right! I got a lot out of this speaker this Sunday, and acceptance is just the beginning!

www.syrogers.com

New life and old ways

Before this baby came, I was dreading his arrival. I just didn't feel the motherly or grandmotherly instinct kicking in. I could wait forever for him to come. Well, it did kick in! And, now I am fine after sleeping thru the night again. I don't mind holding him while he is waiting for a bottle and not very quiet! I feel the wanting to serve and help pulling me all the time now.

I sure did have quite a problem this past Friday. I wanted to take control of a situation that I probably couldn't have helped anyway. My daughter was having a hard time with the father of the baby and she instantly called me for help. Of course, I tried to jump in to action. But I think God had another plan, as soon as I figured out that I couldn't go anywhere (my car keys where suddenly lost), the situation was solved without my input. I wanted into that situation so badly, extremely bad! My need to rescue her kicked in like before when she would call on my help, and, when I did try to help, it didn't help at all. Things calmed down, but my input was never really received. And if I really think about it, I was trying to tell them how they should be or how they should act. I wanted them to change their thinking and that clearly was not going to happen. I do remember seeing that while I was talking to them. I am beginning to think that we are dealing with someone who isn't mentally well. The things he does just don't make any sense at all. And I just hope things do not escalate.

Even after the situation was resolved, I kept it going in my head, worrying and wondering what was next. I was talking to my sister who kept stopping me from continuing on. She kept saying it wasn't my problem, she must deal with that. And I knew she was right, who knows what I would do once I had arrived there. I was very angry that there was any trouble at all. It just didn't make sense. But I did need someone telling me I couldn't do anything and she was going to have to resolve it, not me. So it eventually helped. I stayed on the phone until I could let it all go or accept it. Then I still didn't find my keys until it was time for my meeting that evening! Isn't that amazing! I found them exactly when I needed them!

At the meeting, many of us had trouble that day, or this past week. We were all talking about an eventful week...So I really wasn't alone. I can't say that it felt good to know that, but it does feel good that others understand and I feel support just in that fact!

Yes! He's finally here! He arrived last week. April 5th. That is where I've been! He is such a cutie pie! This little boy was a lot of work on his mom. Poor thing, she can't take much discomfort and it took him a while to get here and she was very uncomfortable during the whole thing. Nothing really seemed to comfort her well enough. But she's made it and now he's here. I am rather speechless at this time or tired. So I will just have to write more later! There were so many ups and downs during the labor. I just really don't feel like going into it all. Everything is fine - everyone is doing good and it is all said and done! Hasta Luego!

Still no grandbaby...And not too much else

No grandbaby yet. I wonder what the child's hold up is...God must have a plan. Or maybe He's holding out so I can finish the few things I want to finish before the baby comes. There is so much to do. We will probably have visitors after the baby comes and I would really like the parlor to be free and clear of objects that don't necessarily need to be there, but they are pretty large for me to move. Anyway, I want to tidy up. I hope that's it! LOL I better get to it, huh? Maybe He's allowing for the grandpa to be able to be there and he's in rehab right now. His time is almost over. Well, we'll see soon huh?

I felt pretty lonely Monday evening, I can't stand that feeling, I really am very rarely ever alone in my house and this feeling just hits me so hard sometimes. At least it only lasted an evening this time. Tuesday I was fine. And today I am great! I hope the rest of the week goes quickly. I have a Dr appointment tonight and really need to get to work at home! I am going to do something at home tonight. I've been relaxing too much I think for all the stuff I need to get done.

I did get asked out again and I haven't yet answered back. I am assuming I will need my own money and that really limits me to where I can go and what I can do. So I am not really pushing it since I don't know how this guy really feels. Maybe I should just be very direct, it worked in the past and things are very clear when I do that. I do think he is being very sweet to me after not talking to me for a while. He's from out of town and now lives here, but doesn't really hang out with anyone - at least that is what he says. Oh well, I am not pursuing that, I will just see what happens or what he comes up with. I am not sure how to proceed with him. I am assuming we are friends. That would probably be the safest, but that again means I need my own $$$ and so I can't really do much at all. Money is too tight right now.

Nothing really interesting happening except my daughter having her false labor.... Sunday I thought we were going to the hospital but, nope! Nothing happened, they went away and we are still waiting! Well, more time to accept the fact that there will be a baby in the house again after so long! Almost 20 years!

My 20 year class reunion is coming up in July! I will be there. Not too happy about going cause of course I feel like I should be in a better position than I am now but I am not. I am happy though, I feel better about me, I wish I was a little more fit, but that can be worked on. I still have a little bit of time before I attend! Maybe that should be my focus! It will benefit me in more than one way to get into shape. Okay, now I have a goal....Now if I will just stick to it!!! Gotta go!!!

Grandbaby, Friends, & my Ex's girlfriend

No Grandbaby yet...I think we are all anxious for the baby to get here! But he's taking his time. Let's see. What has transpired since the 15th? They sent my daughter home from work Monday, and want her to stay home! They did give her a gift and a card. Then they sent her home at 9 am! LOL! She's so uncomfortable. Poor baby! I don't miss that!

My friend I had disagreed with last week, again said something I thought was very unsupportive of me! I said I wouldn't allow my daughters boyfriend to live here with us, and in one instant she told me, "Good for you!" Then in the next few minutes she was telling me I was going to let him move in! I really think she feels I have no backbone whatsoever! It hurt for her to say that too! So, it was like flipping a switch for me! I asked why I felt like she supported me at first and then she says something to make me feel like she isn't supporting me anymore all of a sudden! She did say she was sorry. Then we had lunch and she sort of explained how she really doesn't know how it feels to be on the inside of the relationship and it makes her appear to be judgmental. Okay, I think she got my point anyway. It's my path, not hers. I don't think we will have that problem again. At least I hope not.

I went to pick up some party purchases from my ex's Mom, Monday evening. His girlfriend was there. I think she felt the need to try to mark her territory. She seemed to have an attitude but didn't show it - she just expressed it in her voice. I felt like we were in high school or something. I didn't play into it. It really doesn't matter, I just didn't like it and I know she feels threatened by me being around. But if it keeps happening, I may just have to say something. And if I do, I hope to do it in a way so she doesn't think I want him back in any way! I don't plan on going over there much anyway. I felt like crap that day too, so of course I think I looked like crap! His Mom asked me for help with her browser buttons that were missing. I was all too happy to help - PC's are my thing. A hobby I guess... She also told me I was looking pretty too with my new lipstick, I welcomed that since I felt like crap and had a lingering headache due to the dentist visit. I wished I hadn't come, it seemed like she(his girlfriend) knew I was coming and she kinda spruced herself up. She was dressed a bit nicer than I'd seen her before and had makeup on. Still I don't see it...And that's all I'm going to say about that! She let me know that she knew about his truck being at my place. She wanted to know how his truck was - what kind of question was that anyway? Hell, it's there and that's all there is to it. She made sure to let me know he wants me to call him when our daughter goes into labor, oh, and that he calls her almost daily. LOL it was kinda funny to see a grown woman act like that. Well, actually it was a bit weird to tell the truth. It seemed very out of place and strange for some reason. I was going to say something but felt it was just not worth it or not really necessary to do so. So, I didn't. Maybe I won't have to either.

My dad finally got his tamales, well, they are here and now he is no where to be found! I get them so he will stop talking about the lady and calling her names and where is he? Who knows! I think I have a good guess, but we'll leave that alone too.

It's late I must go to sleep. Work, a meeting, taxes to finish and Avon to pass out tomorrow! I'm leaving a link for the geeks out there. My favorite PC magazine: Maximum PC! www.maximumpc.com Enjoy!

Taking Care of Me

The past few weeks I have had headaches so badly on the weekend and this week they started to stay with me. So for the last few days I've had headaches! Man, all this starts happening just after my insurance went into affect at work. So I only have to pay a copay to see the doctor. It still hurt to pay just the copay! Anyway, the doctor cracked me and cracked me and I feel great. I was so sleepy during my meeting tonight but I feel so good! I am not all in knots anymore.

But I was also so relaxed that I had to go to sleep. I have continued to feel great. I really don't think I need to go back Monday but, I think I will anyway!

I guess the news this week is that a friend and I disagreed about the way I handle my last relationship. She thinks I shouldn't have any contact. And I do. I am not initiating this contact, but it is still happening. It is actually happening more often. But I am happy the way it is and it really is my business, I think I am being very open and am not trying to hide anything. And even that is a big step for me. I never wanted anyone to know all the things I've gone thru with him over the years. And even when we broke up I still tried to keep it going for a very short time before I finally accepted it and started to admit what had happened. But it seems like she feels I should be pissed at him and I was for a while, but when I finally forgave, it just went away. I begged God to please help me not to be mad or rather, stay mad at him, that is all I ever did in the past. I didn't want to be hateful to him. Number one reason: he is still the kids father, he will interact with them from time to time. And we are putting them through college and we still need his help in any way we can get it. I don't want turmoil in my life now that he is gone, I want peace and serenity. Well, we will probably never agree, but it didn't matter. I know she does not hesitate to expresses her opinion and she is entitled to it but I felt like she just wants me to be the same way and I am not. I am not one to hold grudges and stay mad forever. I don't hate folks no matter what they do. Of course I get upset with people like anyone else, it just doesn't stick with me. And now after being in Al-Anon and CodA for a few months, things don't stick with me for very long at all. If something upsets me, I can choose to be pissed off or choose to be happy, or let it go so it doesn't affect me so much. I want to live to be content in whatever situation I find myself in. The bible teaches us we should be that way. And the program says each experience we go thru will is meant to teach us something. And, we are always right where we should be and we can trust God to lead us thru each one. So, my friend and I kinda left it at that, we just differ on that point, it is not the only point. As a matter of fact, we are having lots of differing opinions. Maybe this is my learning time to deal with someone who has such a different opinion from my own and it will help me to figure out why I hold this position, or teach me to stand up for my own position. Who knows but it is helping me to learn how to deal with someone with such strong opinions on this subject. I think I finally held my own for once. I do see my own part in this too. I let her tell me over and over about how she felt. And not once before this did I stop her, or mention what my position was, that I was not happy with her opinion or whatever, I usually gave no indication of how I felt. I know its been suggested that I practice more detachment in my previous dealings with my ex. And I do listen to what people see, where before I didn't at all. They may think I am not, and I may show that I don't like what you are suggesting, but believe me, I am listening. And I will think on it, I think on many more things about changing me now than ever before. Improving and trying to live a new happier life.

No Grandbaby yet either! Preparations are taking place finally. We are getting ready! Maybe by the next post I'll have a Grandbaby.

Discovering Me...

This week was pretty uneventful. But I discovered a few things about me this week. Early in the week, I was asked out by an older Hispanic man, much older, by maybe 20+ years. Well, It really just kinda upsets me that he is so old and wants to take me out. Anytime a Mexican or Hispanic man wants to do this, he's very old. This man is old enough to be my father! And it just made me upset along with something I found out about another Mexican man who is with a young friend of mine. Why do they need to be looking for women who are so young? I started thinking about this after making a joke about it to a friend. I was joking but they could not tell I was (an IM cell msg) joking. So when they commented that I was bitter, I laughed it off but after the conversation was over, I started thinking about my comments. They were pretty ugly and I was only joking, but did I really believe it? And my determination is I do. The comment was possessive, cradle-robbing, drunks! Now I am Mexican myself, and for me to say that was pretty bad I think. I felt that it is true as far as I have seen. Of course, I don't feel that way about my father and I do know that all Mexican or Hispanic men are not like that. It's just that I haven't met any that aren't!!!

One friend I talked to about it said, yes, in many cases we know of, it is true. Or appears to be true but, we still forgive that, and try to win them to Christ anyway, so He can work on them to change them from the inside out. They don't know any better - yet. And it is not up to us to change anyone but ourselves! I brought it up in a meeting this week and was informed that it is not just one race of men who are like that. Other men are like that but we can't dwell on what we think or get depressed thinking all men are alike! They aren't and I've met quite a few men who aren't like that. Unfortunately, none were Mexican! But we aren't to focus on people's quirks or problems, we just need to work on us and let the other stuff go. If it starts to hurt someone and we can do something about it, then maybe we should act if we can. If it will change the situation favorably for whomever is on the victim end of that. But mostly, we can't do anything about those situations.

And, why was I dwelling on it? I don't know, just the information I had found out in the last few days had pissed me off! I don't date any Hispanic men for no special reasons, and I don't really meet them or many of them anyway. Just not interested and I actually never have been and that's just me. Maybe I will meet some in the future...And find some who don't fit my stereotype! That's bad to have those, I never thought I did, but I guess I do! And I don't think I am alone!

I also found that I am really enjoying my life now. I am happy and smile often. I used to think losing my ex-bf would be the end of my life, and I couldn't make it without him. It seemed to feel that way for many months. I hated to feel like I had to start my life over after investing so much time with him. Now I am finding that discovering myself, my likes, dislikes, hanging out with friends and so on is quite interesting and fun! I have new friends and old to hang out with and I am doing okay, there are still major issues in my life I need to conquer and deal with but, for the most part, I am still very happy. I am just working on me and fixing me up so I can be a better person for the next relationship. I like to try new things, I will try most any food, I do like going to new places and I am having a good time discovering these things! I am free to do as I please, when I please! Yippeee!!!

I did do a favor for my ex-bf today. He is going back to rehab and he needed a place to store his truck. So, I allowed it. Don't know if it is right or wrong to do this, but I did. He'll be gone for a while and no one will mess with it here. We've been apart long enough for his new acquaintances not to know he's stored it here. His mom was afraid someone may come looking for him at her place. It's a little busted up. I guess his new friends aren't very friendly. His gf chose to live in the streets again in a former lifestyle and left. This was shocking to me and I started reacting to her story with so much disbelief like I used to react to him leaving our house for the streets! I still really can't believe she chose to leave. She has two children...It is amazing what an addiction will make you do. I understand Alcoholism and Addictions better now than ever but it still amazes me what people will do to fulfill that dependency. I guess I was the same, I had a dependency too, to stay in a really bad relationship and try to change him, I just knew I could fix him. So now I understand from both sides really, not completely from their side, but a lot more than I used to understand. They really don't have a choice of whether or not to stop doing whatever they do, the addiction just takes over. And, in many cases, the addict will do whatever they need to do to satisfy themselves. Pretty sad, the things they, or we, will do. I thank God I don't have a chemical dependency! My life could really be a lot worse.

On a lighter note, I am going to the movies this Friday to see Madea's Family Reunion. A friend and his wife are taking me to the movies for my birthday! Yes, it was last month, but I can handle belated birthday gifts! I don't care when they come! LOL! I am very happy to get them! Yeah!

So Much Change, So Little Time

Well, I can't believe how quickly things change in my life and in so little time! My ex left rehab after not even a week. I got caught up in his crap as if I was still with him, and learned a few unmentionables in the process about a few others! Man!

The worst part, I think, is the fact that I got caught up in his crap so very easily. I just handed over control to him as if we were still together. He asked for a ride, I gave him a ride, kinda. When he asked for the ride, he asked to drive. I had told him I wasn't going to run him around in search of his drug of choice, well according to him that was not what he was doing. So okay, I can give the ride, I wasn't going to let him drive, but when he asked I did. Reluctantly, I just scooted right over and let him drive and he drove a bit fast. He was pretty frantic. He kept saying he needed to talk but not to me and couldn't get a hold of his sponsor. So I really didn't know what was going on just assumed he was lying to me. He calmed down, slowed down and we went our separate ways that evening.

The next day was his birthday, he called at 3:30 A M! To apologize to me for everything he had done to me and all he put me through over the years. I was too tired to get mad and I wouldn't be mad if anyone called me that late normally anyway. But if it keeps happening, then I start to get mad. I did wish him a happy birthday and that was the end of it. The next morning I was over an hour late to work and I had to make it up. That was hard! I already had time to make up this week! It sucked! Big time! He called two more times while I was at work and finally told me what was up. His girlfriend had taken off on him while he was in rehab, that is why he left. The rest is not good, but it boiled down to this, she's giving him a taste of his own medicine. He now understands what exactly I was going thru with him while we were together. And this was why the apology came again.

Once all that was over, I attended the Sunflower Roundup this weekend and it was excellent! I liked all the speakers I heard! I only missed one and I hope he was good because I purchased that CD. All the stories were very interesting and I learned alot! I also went to the dance on Saturday night. It was okay I went so late. It was after eleven when I arrived. Maybe almost twelve! Everyone I sat with were soon leaving. I felt dumped! Anyway, I met a young man who has an uncle who attends the AA meeting held the same night as my Al-Anon meeting. He knew some of the people I know who attend the meeting sometimes. And a few regulars. We danced the last dance of the night. What a coincidence to meet him! I had a blast at the Roundup this weekend. I may have to go to the meeting my group leader told me about in Jeff City this summer. I really would like to attend the one in Osage Beach too. I loved it while we were there one summer. I would like to go back again to see it...and attending the meetings would be a plus!
Well, my dad just found out I am attending Al-Anon, and he seems to be offended! I didn't realize I hadn't told him, I really thought I had and he doesn't understand - I think he thinks that I am attending AA meetings for Alcoholics. Maybe that is it. I did try to explain but he doesn't seem to be getting it. He asked me if I had some kind of problems to be going to them kind of meetings! My ex's grandmother didn't at first either! I had to explain to her as well. Well, maybe that chance will come soon with Papa! Right now, I gotta go mimis(to sleep)!!!

I am blessed and God is good, All the time!

Since my birthday, I've had quite a bit of contact with my ex, who seems to keep wanting to go over our past and what I did wrong or what I should have done to make things right. One time I did blow up, that was before my birthday...since then I can accept what he feels and just leave it alone once I realize what is happening. If I start to argue, I realize it shortly after. At least I am not getting all bent out of shape, like I did a few weeks ago. I know I handled it badly that day. But it was a slip and I am still learning to accept and deal with so many changes in my life. He is now gone to rehab and all of us (his family) are quite relieved.

My youngest daughter had her baby shower this weekend and it was great! She has nearly everything she needs now and we will need to buy very little! God really blessed us through Alex's family and our families! Many, many came on both sides and friends, etc, etc. She was very blessed, thank God, we really don't have the money to do much but keep the ridiculously high-priced gas from getting shut off!!! Besides all the rest of the bills! And the shower was fun! Plenty of food, gifts, and we got to know each other. I like his family.

Our Friday meeting had to be cancelled due to the cold...wah! The readings were so good that day. I wanted to share how they had helped me through the day. But another time I guess.

Here I am once again missing church! This is not good! I don't like getting out in the cold and I just am so tired! Maybe I will make a meeting tonight. There is one I've been wanting to go to on Sunday night. Well, I think this is it for my entry today. My life has been pretty quiet, calm, serene and uneventful for the past week or so! Thank God for that! I am happy, my kids are happy and we are coming up on that new baby's due date fast approaching!

I will leave a link to my church's website. Yes, the one I have recently NOT been attending due to my own excuses of the cold, and being tired!!! http://www.sflc.net

Birthdays, Old & New times, Squabbles, Life!!!!

What's new? I went to a friend's birthday gathering at Niecie's this past weekend and it was excellent! The food was great! I had Catfish there and it was soooo good. Not that I am picky or anything like that because I am not in anyway. I like most of anything as far as food! But I am picky about fish, it's got to be good, real good. Houston's and Niecie's here in KC do it right! The Mahi Mahi fish sandwich is the best at Houston's on the Plaza and the Catfish is it at Niecie's! Well, I like it so much we are going for my birthday on Saturday, the 11th! I hope everyone else likes it as much as I do.

Well, my ex informs me he has to go back to a rehab - phew! Thank God! He was worried about jail time, but nope, I said that ain't happening! You NEVER go to jail - ever! Well, all that worrying I did a couple of weeks ago was all for nothing(and I knew that then, but, you know!) so I am glad that is over. Actually, it was over later that evening that I started freaking out, thanks to the time spent by a couple of friends that night (Thx J & F! U guys don't know how much I appreciate u!). And a house full of college girls! My daughter had some friends in from Columbia, MO that night. It was like old times when my house was always full of girls, kids. I loved it then. And I still love it now! I miss those times. Wish I had more money to host the whole lot many times but I don't. It was nice for the short time they were there. Good to see them all again and spend a little time with them too - I miss all you girls! Or rather, Ladies!

Sashi has one more month, ok almost two, to go on her pregnancy. We're gonna have a boy! That freaks me out too. Never raised a boy and not sure I want to, I think he may give me a heart attack just from the bumps and the dings he will endure. And that is just the beginning. I really hope the maternal instincts kick in when the baby comes, cause I sure don't feel 'em! I can SO WAIT for this grand baby to come! Too bad Mama will miss it - but I guess she really won't miss it, huh?

Mia and I butted heads this week. She has one chore and though we all don't do any of our duties very well, I get a pretty bad attitude and even less cooperation out of Mia. Who knows why, maybe since she's been out on her own for a short time at college, but it just showed a lot the other day and I had to say something about it. Well, she disappeared for the night and I hope blew off some steam. I did. I called up my sis and just released it. She had a story about one of her friends who has the same problem. I think my lieniancy with Mia is the culprit and trying to change things now is really way too late! But she got away for a while and I hung on to it all day until I spoke with my sister, then I felt better. I was able to release it! I was once again speaking as if it was a fact and not just a feeling!!!! So I recognized that and that is when I called my sister. So I could vent and let it go! Then the day went back to normal. Mia called, we chatted or kinda vented to one another for a few minutes, I told her what I needed, what we would try, and left it at that. We are going to switch around chores and see if that works better, but if not, then we switch back or try something else. Either way, something has to change. And I have an amend i need to make to her too, since I was upset, I had eaten her leftovers she came home looking for after work....and didn't care. The minute she said something about it, gave me the opportunity I was waiting for to confront her. So, even though I replaced it with someone else's help (since I am SO poor at the moment), I still need to make amends to her. And as yet, she hasn't made it home...so that's later!!!!!

This week has been pretty darn good. I am blessed but I do need to keep reminding myself who lives inside of me and keeps me going and who I can trust to lead me on my path! That is definately where the thought of the amends came from! Okay Lord! Okay! I know you are just molding me to be what you know I can be...but it ain't easy. As a matter of fact, I am getting lots of dings!!!! Hard head maybe? LOL! Even though things aren't right and seem so bad, you are still in control.

"No more crying about my situation! I know what I gotta do! Gotta pray, gotta trust, gotta believe! Depend on You!" (It's Gon' Be Nice - Yolanda Adams, Day by Day)
http://music.yahoo.com/release/23297352

This CD is excellent by the way! This is my uplifting music! If I haven't already shared...and I think I have. So I guess I am really trying to impress upon you how much I love this music! It is helping me stay focused on God along with my Al-Anon & CodA literature. A Joyce Meyer devotional and my church's quarterly devotional which is recently working itself back into my daily readings! All these things keep me grounded!

Didn't make it to the Wed night meeting but just hung out with Sashi. I've been away from home so much that I just didn't want to go anywhere and it is frickin' COLD outside!!!! Still, got out for a short minute so she could go to the store. Poor baby, she always stays in the house, just barely starting to get out now, but still not much. Then when the baby comes who knows. She hasn't been a real homebody till now...

Okay, I think I've caught you up to today! This weekend is my birthday and I am looking for something to do since most of my friends are either working, or have grandbabies or kids, or whatever the case may be are busy! Wah! Well, there's always another time too, I can do something later! So I am still hoping! But I am having a Quake 4 party Friday night ( http://www.quake4game.com/ ) with my sisters after the meeting! So I can blow up some stuff!!! Blow off some steam I mean, yeah...Adios!!!!

Serene Week but Stuff still happening...

What a week!!! This past week was very peaceful and serene. I got quite a bit done at work, which had not been happening lately. I couldn't concentrate very well last week!

Anyway, I got some really uplifting music this past Sunday and it has made all the difference in my interactions with happenings around me. It is some gospel music by Yolanda Adams - Day by Day. It has a song on it 'Victory' from the movie "The Gospel". I never did see the movie but this song captured my attention just hearing it on the commercials! It is excellent! So they are tracks numbered 1, 7, & 8 that are my favorites. The first is 'Victory', then 'It's Gon Be Nice' which talks about trusting God for the things in the future and His plan for your life, and mentions letting things go and trusting God to handle it. Then there is 'Be Blessed' which is talking about praying for a friend that God will be there for them. I feel so uplifted when I hear this music and it does remind me to remember God is in control - Not me! I can't know what He has in store for me but if I just trust Him and live according to His word, He will not fail me! It won't always be easy or fun, but I have to keep on stepping praying, trusting, and believing He is in control.

This has helped me to better accept what is constantly going on around me. My daughter, who is pregnant, and her boyfriend broke up. She seems to have felt threatened but it has recently changed. So I hope she was just mad at him and things actually will not escalate into any violence. But I lived the same way and I guess they need to make their own decisions and go through things on their own. Too bad they won't learn from my mistakes! Maybe they will now see how to better handle things. That is what I am hoping anyway....

I'm back! And what a week!

Well, so much for returning on Sunday, I felt horrible the rest of the day. Chatted with a friend in one of my groups whom I actually have a lot in common with and didn't realize it but I do. And they have a Godly side to them too which did show a lot in the meetings. They along with other things that happened made me realize that what I have gone thru is necessary for me to help others. I do forget that sometimes. I was listening to another person tell about her experience in church and she was very, very depressed and wondered, "When is my morning coming???" Mentioning the scripture which says, "Sorrow endures for the night, but joy comes in the morning." She is in bad health, in pain, and it seems like it isn't getting better. But I did relate with her in the happenings in my life. It seemed like nothing was going any better for me either for the last six months of the year!!!! Seven actually. Then, God placed a few things in my path to where I would need to tell what has happened to me and how I got thru it so someone else could see there is hope. Or their morning will come, my situation is more easily seen than hers but the point is you must cling to and trust in God, we don't know His purposes, His ways, why we must endure the things we go thru sometimes before we make it to His intended ending or place for us. Or just to make it to where we feel comforted by Him. But we prayed for her and many of us just said a few words of encouragement before leaving. I wondered all week about her.

The past week was very up and down for me. I was happy but in pain, Monday, my new space at work is isolating me from my department and I am not liking it but still getting used to it. New neighbors are the IT dept, they are cool, but they don't talk too much. I do have one neighbor whom I can chat about games with at any given time. He's pretty cool but pretty doggone busy too! I hear him working all day long on the computers, if it weren't for them making noises, I wouldn't know he was there. I was complaining so much this week that I had to check myself and just be grateful for what I have there. I shouldn't let things like what where happening get to me. I just need to adjust and keep moving, grumbling only makes things worse and there isn't anything I could do about these various situations anyway. Absolutely nothing! So that is what I did.

I also went out with a bunch of Mexican women, who are very new acquaintances of mine. I met them thru a friend at work. I've never gone out in such a large group of women outside of my own family. They are very entertaining!!! To say the least! I know three very well and the others are those I am getting to know...I met most thru the bible study group they had going at once. One had a birthday and we went out to eat and celebrate!!! We sang kareoke in Spanish!!! It was a Mexican bar, tiny place and they had nothing but beer there, pop and water. Beer! Gross! What kinda place was that !!!! I don't go out much to places like that at all, or bars for that matter, but these ladies, when they get together they want to go cut up! They are fun and they are all older than me. Forties thru their sixties, and I can't believe the way they act!!! Locas!!!

Sunday Blues

Boy, today I feel like crap! I had a good time at church this morning but I feel bad! I am headachy today. I had a candle party yesterday and did pretty good. I still have quite a few orders to get for my credit too, so maybe, it will be even better! Wow, I think I will stop and come back to post later I need rest! Stay tuned...

New Work Year Begins

Boy, things are going so slowly this morning, I think no one wants to be here. Half of us are in a dark mood and the others are very quiet. Geez, folks let's get with the program! Be happy! Be Joyous! Be thankful we have jobs to go to!!! Let's laugh a little bit! The link is a geeky site I was introduced to by my new cubicle neighbor, one of the IT guys here at work. Funny if you understand geekspeak! www.bbspot.com

Update on my life now!!!!

2005 was just not a very good year to me emotionally. My long time boyfriend and I split up. Our girls are in college, one is about to have a grandbaby, I lost both my grandmother and my Mom, my car is a wreck (but at least still running) and the holidays were extremely tight and very hard to go thru this year without Mama. That is this year in a nutshell.

It did cause me to get closer to God, start attending Al-Anon & CodA meetings. And just work on changing me. I am feeling lots better and have quite a few really good new friends and plenty of people to go out with now. I am keeping busy. Probably still too busy at times but I am at least having some fun now too. I have met some really great guys I dated. Totally different than what I have been used to in the past.

So for that I am greatful. I have more peace and sanity now than I have had in a long time. I can see God moving in my life more again and I was missing that or just not seeing it. I know he didn't just leave me out there, he did let me have what I wanted, even though it was not good for me. But I see now how all this definately had to happen and how God is fixing me up and helping me change.

And all these changes at once are quite hard. I don't handle alot of the changes very well sometimes, but I am beginning to feel more comfortable with changes now than ever before. And the most amazing thing is, I can accept them better and trust God on its benefits without knowing what they are yet. God is really teaching me to trust in him more than I have ever done before. And that has been scary for me, but necessary. I thank God for the changes and just pray for the strength for each day as it comes.

I am a little hesitant for posting this online for the world, but I don't believe the world will be reading it anyway. Just some of the world. And the really involved items will probably be kept in confidence within my journals. So as not to hurt anyone I have rantings about. Not sure how often I will be posting but hopefully alot more than before, weekly should be a good start. Maybe more often in the beginning since I really need to catch up. Or catch the readers up. Hope you keep checking me out and I hope you gain something from my reflections that might help you even in the smallest of ways.

Thanks for reading...