Being grateful for today

Today was a very good day. I worked my Avon, did deliveries, spent time with my sister and her husband. Then passed out after a very good meal that was paid for! Even after the nap I was starting to feel kind of down or unappreciated. Why? I really don't know. I just did. So I started reading some of my fellow bloggers postings once I got home. And this one is one I needed to hear for today...Check it out: Sober Chick: Hi-5 2 5 senses It made me think of what I am grateful for today and everyday. I needed to think on these things.

I guess I wish I had a new man in my life. I actually do, kind of, that's kind of sad, I didn't even realize I actually do. I have been seeing the man who took me to the Chiefs game in December. He is very nice to me. I am attracted to him in a different way than I have been attracted to men in the past. I am attracted to him due to the way he treats me - with kindness, compliments that seem never ending, he reminds me of what he thinks of me whenever we talk. He thinks very highly of me it seems. I am definitely not used to that - at least not for the past few years. I know my ex doesn't think badly of me, he has told me many times he is not holding anything against me for what has happened (not that it was my fault, it was him who left - my fault to a point I've learned). But this new man, I haven't known him long and I actually miss him when I don't hear from him. He isn't what I normally am attracted to and maybe that is why I am sort of resisting this a little. It is different, and I am a little scared to even start down that road, but it is starting. Okay, let me be very honest, I am quite scared to start down that road, but I am allowing it.

I notice that he seems to cater to me and I love it, but I am not used to it. I think codependence, my culture, and my own beliefs make me think this is wrong. It should be me catering to him, not the other way around. But, I still love it. Now he's asked me to attend the opening practice for the Chiefs and, unlike the last man who asked when we were going out, I immediately said yes! I am attracted to the other man sexually, which is more of what I am used to. Not that I am or had been acting on that impulse, because I do not. Because I feel that he treats me as if I need to learn from him or I feel that he treats me somewhat inferior, I don't care to spend time with him. I believe all he wants is sex. Not too interested in that attitude. Wow, I think that is an excellent change happening within me. Something I hadn't noticed before this post! I wanted to go out with #2(sexual interest guy) but chose to spend time with #1(football guy). I thought, and still do to some extent, that sexual interest was to come first. Thank goodness for recovery teaching me a thing or two - I see I am developing new thinking. I am very grateful for the friends I have in recovery, I know their experience and sharing has helped me develop my thinking as well.

Codependency says, I need to change for him...to make him happy. The Mexican culture shows me the man is head of the household. He leads, I am to follow his lead, regardless of what I want. Of course, the younger the generation is, I think the less this is true. Or maybe I just always left out the fact that he should be treating me good, period. I have seen this many times over in the Mexican culture. The woman is interested in pursuing something - if he doesn't approve, it will not happen, no matter how badly she wants it.
The bible says I am to be submissive to my husband and he is the head of the household. Now, I know God did not intend for women to be mistreated, so I obviously haven't understood these beliefs correctly. I know what I had was not a godly relationship. But I sure was working to make it that way I thought, and we wasn't ever my husband! If you go by Common Law, maybe so, he used to say this to me repeatedly too, he felt we were already married. Common Law I didn't care for.

Now I know codependency is something I need to work on and change in my life. And I misinterpreted, or just carried too far my religious beliefs where they should not have been applied yet in my life. But in order for me to recover I did need to go through this, so God is at work in my life regardless of my screw ups! He can, and has turned things around for His good! And mine! But you know, there is that culture part, I also believe that it is correct and know that I need to watch myself and not let me lose sight of me in the process of another relationship. I want to be that wife who can cater to her man. I want him to lead. When a man leaves all the decisions to me, I don't like it. I also want to be cared for as well. I want to be happy. So I think I really need to be careful. It seems there is a very fine line between my past and my present. Okay, I now see there may be some deep fourth step work involved here, and I need to work on it. I started and stopped just before the grand baby arrived. Therein may lie my answer to why I believe as I do. And what I must do to gain some balance in my life. Thanks for listening.

And a share on serenity that touched me today as well...
http://cupcakemonkey.blogspot.com/2006/05/serenity-is-always-available-to-me-but.html