I did have a drama filled week last week and it has since calmed down a little. I didn't feel I handled my anger well, or that I wanted to handle it well actually. Didn't really want to hear what the program had to say, although it was in my mind constantly from day one of all the drama. But, I did make it through and no broken principles or departing from my program - with the exception of all the readings during this time, and some old thinking. I did have to go thru a bit of accepting what I cannot change, what really was not mine to change. I did go thru a few days of that.
My daughter broke up with her boyfriend and he is not handling it well at all. He is still trying to control, being very jealous, not helping with the baby, and still trying to get her alone to his place. Only for what I expect can only be to hurt her. I was reminded that I shouldn't get involved and while I did know this, I really didn't feel just sitting back and watching was going to be my way of handling it. I did argue with him and needless to say, I did realize how stupid that was to do after having been in the same kind of relationship myself, except that mine didn't jump into violence so quickly. I really can't say quickly, I knew it was there and the first time this happened, I made sure he knew I was not scared of him and would deal with him if he brought it to my house. I know he seems to think that since there is no man around the house that he can do whatever he pleases. And early in Al-Anon I think I did allow that to happen. As soon as he started being disrespectful my patience ended and so did his visits. So when it happened again, I was not so willing to hear any reason, I quickly jumped to her defense and made it known again, I was not afraid of him, and right or wrong I would deal with him if need be. I had been in a similar relationship, I do know what to do, right and wrong. I felt so much anger and was so willing to deal with it in an unacceptable way. I basically wanted to deal out my own vengeance.
This is really a change for me in a way. My big hang up really was not taking up for myself or standing by my children when it was really needed. But I think this was easy, he provoked me in a way I've never been provoked before, it was automatic to defend my child who, by the way is now 19! But it is normal to defend them, and although I was dying and just praying for him to give me a reason, nothing happened. I had taken it to God in prayer and kept trying to let it go. It was extremely hard. It was unbelievable. I was extremely confident in my ability to handle him since I had fought with a man bigger than him in the past! I was battling myself, what I learned in the program on how to deal with these situations, what my Christian beliefs are told me the same, I was apologizing to God for what I wanted to do, what my plan was, and please help me not to do it, but forgive me if I do! Because I SO want to handle it my way. But you know, she didn't react as I expected, wanting me to help or even wanting to do anything. Except avoid contact with him. I do have to hand it to her, she knows what she does and doesn't want. Which is a lot more than I did in my relationship with her father, I just let it continue, I did want to be with him but in the end, I just could not end it even though it was so far past obvious that he was not good for me or our girls. He wasn't good for himself or anyone.
It did take lots of going to God all week, each day all day long, and at work I was very silent all week and didn't really socialize much as I normally do. Didn't want to talk to any friends in the program after the first night. I did mention it to a couple of people but then just got silent, I didn't pursue it like I normally would if something is bothering me and I know sharing experiences or just talking about it would help me with a solution. I did go back to church on Wednesday evening, and I think that really helped me to let go completely. I am so glad God is so long suffering! It is taking me so long to get my life in some kind of order or as it should and getting God back into my daily life in more than just prayer. I feel myself being drawn to Him more and more on a daily basis, yet I still hesitate or get distracted!
Even though all this happened I do feel I did well. Considering I have only been in the program for one year and so much continues to happen. God is good all the time, if I am going thru something like the above I am meant to learn something from it. I learned about me, I am still very willing to just jump right in, I need to just set an example and offer my suggestions on what to do if she asks me for it. And offer her the program as help, which let me tell you, is not acceptable to her at this point in time. She did offer that bit of clarity to me! And on a more upbeat note, I did start my Tae-bo workouts last week! And have been faithful to every other day! I am feeling really good about that. I already see results after one week! I am also off to Chicago this weekend! Finally! One year since the last time I was there. Hope the weather is nice, I'll be going rain or shine!
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