Reminders...

Please check out this link! It is a wonderful quote. I have to remember this and apply in my life. http://girladdicted.com/?p=107

And about our self worth and our careers: http://soberchick.blogspot.com/2006/08/another-furball-4-hnt.html#links

And last but not least, something I keep getting reminded of many times over by those within the program...Because I am still working on not reacting!
http://cupcakemonkey.blogspot.com/2006/08/ughnote-to-self-respond-not-react.html

Thanks to all three for sharing these principles, of which we may all need reminding every now and then!

Fear hits hard

Well, the issue I mentioned a few weeks ago reared its head again last week. Only this time it came at me in a fear that I haven't experienced before. I think I'd better start trying to deal with this for real. I know I said I was going to see a counselor or something, but I didn't pursue it any further. I figured oh well, I'll be okay. Not so, I had to keep giving that fear up to God over and over again. It was very hard to let go of and usually, fear doesn't stick with me or make me feel that badly. It affected me physically. I instantly got a headache, I got this knot in my stomach, and just felt extremely scared. I couldn't concentrate so I had to do something simple at work to keep working. It subsided after a while, maybe two or three hours later. I need to deal with what is bugging me mentally. It came again after a comment from a friend about my daughter. Nothing bad, suggestive or anything like that. Just a comment. That's it. Last time anger took over, this time it was some very strong fear that I felt. I wasn't in a dangerous situation, but that is how I felt, like I was in a seriously dangerous situation. I think it means I need to deal with this and deal with it soon. Before things get worse. A warning perhaps that I need to continue to deal with it, or rather, to start dealing with it in a real way. Not just thinking it will go away if I ignore it or just act as if things are okay. Acting as if is not working in this situation, I am only hiding my true feelings and not dealing with them. Great! Now I need to find the time to go see a counselor, what time? I guess I will have to look for the time or just make time for it.

On the downside of the hill....I think

Finally back! I am finally seeing life get calm again. I guess giving me a rest up for the next episode! I've seen my children's lives calm down too. That I love. Yet and still, my youngest called me out on my own program! I obviously said way too much about her situation to her. She told me she thought they taught me not to be in her business or making so many comments that where hurtful about her life. I really had to think about it, I remember saying one thing to her about it but not all she said. I remember holding back because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I knew I didn't want to say what she claims I said! But no! She says I did say those things to her. I really can't recall so I just apologized to my child. She is 20 years old now. And this was last Sunday when we had this talk. My jaw probably hit the floor I was so surprised to hear what she said. Then she commenced to blame me for her life being the way it is. Now that I did not just let rest. I stood up for me and told her she was grown, she is making her own decisions now and cannot blame me for her life situations. I had no part in creating them. Needless to say that ended the conversation as far as blaming me. I shouldn't have been so far into it true, but I am not responsible for the state of her affairs.

A friend from work also called me on my program. I complained about work, and kept on, thinking I was justified in my feelings. I guess yes, in my feelings but not accepting that I can't do anything about what is happening and to make the best of what I have. Following the rules as nearly everyone else does(see! There I go again!) and doing what I am supposed to do. She quoted Step 1 on me and then pulled out scriptures on me to show me what God's word says about doing my job as if I am working for God Himself! Okay, that shut me up good! Can't I just get a good venting out just once!!!! That is all I wanted, was to vent and get it out! LOL!

I still need a car and now my A/C is out in my house and I have not the money to fix it. I have a single window unit to cool a room and fans. But nothing more. I've been spending the hot evenings over at my daughters new apartment. With the grand baby and my oldest practically lives there! So here we go again all hanging out together again. Good thing we can stand each other for so long. We love being together a lot. Then the phase comes where we just don't see each other for a while. I love it all! We spent time together yesterday with my sisters and my Dad for his birthday. Steaks are his thing so I bought KC Strips and we grilled them for him. He ate to his hearts content as we all did. And I learned how to grill KC Strips! I learned how to grill, period! That was fun too. I like learning new stuff.

God had lots of lessons for me this week. Lots. It seems that though I thought I wasn't hearing His voice, I was, and wasn't paying attention to it. I thought I knew better. Of course, when I think about it, I don't follow the direction of my earthly father either!!!!! I always wait until the very last second or too late to do as he has told me and then I need his help. And, I usually get fussed at for it - as I should! Well, I ran out of gas, locked myself and my father out of the house, missed meetings and church, jacked up my finances yet again, and wonder why I am stressed, have headaches, worry, and am boo hooing to God about it all...all the while wondering why I am going through so much crap! If I just listened, maybe I would go the right direction for once! I bet God is getting a little tired of me just aimlessly meandering about as if I know where I am going and what I am supposed to do! It seems quite a few called me on my program this past week and maybe there is a reason why. I need to check me and stay in my meetings, keep up my readings, my fourth step work, and take a look at me and ask God for more help. And when I get it....LISTEN to it! Then DO IT! LOL!

Lord, just help me please, I'm trying, but I need lots of help still! Thanks for the blessings I know you have in store for my future!

I did get a new camera phone! Yeah, and no, I didn't' have to pay for it! I've had an account so long with one company, that I get free phone offers all the time, maybe every couple of years or so. And the one thing I will not do, even though I love having the latest gadgets, phones, PC components or what have you, I will not pay for a new cell phone. They will have to give it to me or my phone must break before I will call for another and I always take the free phone, never anything I must buy! I think I have ten pics of the grand baby already, and I've only had the phone maybe 5 days. Only two of which I have spent with the baby! That's actually a lot less than my normal amount across two days! LOL I'd better get crackin' huh? hee hee!

Have a wonderful Sunday! I missed being here. And church was so excellent today! I did make it back. I had a nice evening Friday with a friend in the program. It was good talking to her one on one that evening.

A very hectic week

Well, it seems life is at it again. My daughter's lives are going wacko again. One day its the oldest having trouble, the next day its the youngest. Boy, I feel I set a horrible example of how to accept so much unacceptable shit from a man(addict) and continue to survive. But how much of it am I to blame for as far as it pertains to their lives? I feel from things the kids and some family members have said it is my fault they are going thru these things. Although I know I did set the example, and a very bad one at that, they do have their own minds, right? They do see me handling things very differently than before. Its not like they don't know right from wrong and they can make their own decisions. I know they need to follow their own path, even if it is very similar to my own. But my path was not the same as my mother's. She set an example very different from what I have displayed to my girls. It was actually very normal, or what most of us perceive to be normal. No drama, drinking, drugging, or fighting, arguing yes, but no fighting. So why my example was so different I think was due to my own rebellious reasons. Can anyone help me out here? Any ESH to share on how much a part of their lives am I really to blame for? How am I to defend myself? And maybe I just need to forgive myself...

It is so hard to stay out of my children's drama filled life! So hard! I want to see them do better than me but they have nuttier men than their own father!!!! One called her father to help her with the situation, and thank God! I wouldn't have handled it the way he did but, he did excellent. He is in the program too with AA, or NA, and it seems he really is trying to work the program. Anyway, myself and my daughters were all very upset by the fact that he talked to him and gave him a ride home. He feels it is better to try to calm him down than just beat him down! So we were not happy! LOL We really weren't! Anyway it is horrendously hard to stay out of it. I want to take action and know I shouldn't but keep trying to get into the situation. I must of prayed for the Lord to keep me right, because I can't seem to get anywhere near it anymore. LOL! I do think that is it!

The week ended on a quiet note and tho I did lots of calling people this week, it was very hard to find someone to talk to. I assumed that meant I was to trust in God and lean on him for support. I did talk to one person who called me back and she had some ESH for me. I think too just talking about it makes me all the more able to deal with it.

I attended my 20 year high school reunion this past weekend too. I so didn't want to go. The usual stuff, not being where I feel I should be (even though I say I know I am where I should be as far as God's will for my life), not making enough money as I should (this too is according to others), and possibly not looking as great as I'd like (this is totally me, I've become so vain since I started Al-Anon for some reason). But all this I do realize is just the outside, not the real me, inside I am happy, content, assured that God is leading and guiding (finally!), and that I am exactly where I should be at this point in my life. So even though I was kinda reserved about my life right now, I had a good time. I am glad I went, it was good to see everyone again. I didn't go to the 10 year so I hadn't seen anyone except my two best friends since high school. I did get lots of compliments. I enjoyed that very much. I've not been called gorgeous in who knows how long, if ever. I have been working on it too. Trying to get into good shape and lose my belly that's stayed with me for years! Since my first child! It ended all too soon for me, I didn't get to visit with lots of people I intended to visit with and wanted to, but maybe emails will suffice for now.

I missed blogging too, my busy two weeks seems to have me scrambling for time to get back to blogging. I missed reading too. It will be good to catch up. Did I mention I went to the MO State AA Convention in Jeff City? That was one weekend and the next was my class reunion. The week prior I was still helping my child get settled into her new apartment. So time to get back to meetings and blogging and finishing my fourth step!

A nite out and ex issues

I have just been exhausted this past few days. My intention was to blog on Sunday but that didn't happen. I do miss it. I had some journaling to do though. And recuperating from a Saturday night out. I did a late night thing again and had a little more than my limit in alcohol and it seems like it has taken me a while to get my head together again. At least no hangovers or headaches. But I sure needed, and still do, tons of rest that seems to be eluding me!

Anyway, my ex and I have really slowed down our conversations and done so as a mutual agreement. If you recall, I was all hot and bothered a while back and my conversations with my ex, although they were mostly concerning recovery issues, really needed to end. I felt tempted but not due to his girlfriend(who isn't around), but knew he was and I think I really enjoyed toying with him even though I knew it was wrong. I really did it for selfish reasons, totally selfish reasons which made me feel very empowered but I know it is still wrong - or maybe manipulation? Wow! That just hit me as I was writing this. I think we both saw the direction we were headed and he kept pushing but was very sorry later. He felt extremely guilty and then started to blame me for it! And this was face to face. Anyway, the distance has cooled our jets! I hope we both stay this way. I have ceased to ask for his help and hope I can find someone else to do those things I've always entrusted to him. Maintenance on my car, house, yard, etc. He should not be my absolutely last resort! We are better friends now than when we were together but it has to stay at very little contact for a while. This actually feels very freeing! Its a new way of handling us. We do look at each other very differently than before.

My child is leaving the nest - sounds like more acceptance work

Just in the past week, my daughter had another run in with her ex, she was awaiting word on an apartment she was trying to get, and then she got it, and then she moved out! All along saying he was not going to be around, and then he was! On moving day, her father was there too! Not good, he was highly upset by his presence and immediately called his sponsor to ask for help with this anger. I immediately felt his anger too. I have already been through this anger part concerning my daughter and her hectic life with her ex(I no longer think he is an ex anymore), and I knew exactly how he would feel! He asked me what to do too. As much as I wanted to tell him to please get in his ass about his treatment of our daughter, I knew it was not right to say that - its controlling and he won't accept it anyway. The program does not teach me to be like that. So I started to say what I wanted him to do but kept stopping myself from actually saying it. I knew what his sponsor would say too! And he said do nothing, she is allowing it by inviting him back in. And we both see that is exactly what is going on. So we both needed to accept what was happening and give it to God, letting it go. And praying for God's protection over her and the grand baby. And the day went well. Everyone got along well. I was very surprised.

I do keep having to work on this almost daily, I wish she would do what needs to be done, but it is up to her, not me. I am powerless! One good thing, she is questioning her actions and is wanting to go to a support group of some kind to see what it is about. So I told her I would go with her to whatever group she was interested in attending. Saying it was a good idea. I hope she does follow up on that. I do see God beginning His work in her, and His prodding me to leave it up to Him.

My weekend was spent getting her packed and moving her and seeing to it that she had the basic necessities she needed. Actually fun but tiring! I had my cry looking at her empty room and missing the grandbaby cooing and crying! Missing him so much already and worrying but working on letting go of the fears I have concerning her ex knowing where she lives - very much alone. She does have a long time friend living in the same apartment complex too. That makes me feel better. She's not totally alone. Many opportunities are opening up rather quickly too, where she can easily take care of herself and her baby. Wow, God is so good.

I do actually like the peace and quiet in the house now and the chance to rearrange my furniture and change things around the house. It has kept me busy! I thank God for the new changes, new opportunities, peace and serenity in my home. I can relax and really truly relax in my own home. It hasn't been this way in such a long time. I can study my recovery materials in any part of my home in peace now. Wow! A new season in my life once again. My fourth step is almost done. I am three quarters of the way through it. I am learning so much about me and my current position in my life. I like me with all my strengths and weaknesses. I am happy to be me and happy with my life today. I am progressing, becoming happier by the day! And God is doing His thing in my life and in those around me!

Today I am so grateful to put my trust where it belongs, in God. And be able to leave it there trusting he will take care of it -- He knows best!

My child is leaving the nest - sounds like more acceptance work

Just in the past week, my daughter had another run in with her ex, she was awaiting word on an apartment she was trying to get, and then she got it, and then she moved out! Saying he was not going to be around, and then he was! And her father was there too! Not good, he was highly upset by his presence and immediately called his sponsor to ask for help with this anger. I immediately felt his anger too. I have already been through this part concerning my daughter and her hectic life with her ex(I no longer think he is an ex anymore), and I knew exactly how he would feel! He asked me what to do too. As much as I wanted to tell him to please get in his ass about his treatment of our daughter, I knew it was not right to say that. The program does not teach me to be like that. So I started to say what I wanted him to do but kept stopping myself from actually saying it. I knew what his sponsor would say too! And he said do nothing, she is allowing it by inviting him back in. And we both see that is exactly what is going on. So we both needed to accept what was happening and give it to God, letting it go. And praying for God's protection over her and the grand baby. And the day went well. Everyone got along well.

I do keep having to work on this almost daily, I wish she would do what needs to be done, but it is up to her, not me. I am powerless! One good thing, she is questioning her actions and is wanting to go to a support group of some kind to see what it is about. So I told her I would go with her to whatever group she was interested in attending. Saying it was a good idea. I hope she does follow up on that. I do see God beginning His work in her.

My weekend was spent getting her packed and moving her and seeing to it that she had the basic necessities she needed. Actually fun but tiring! I had my cry looking at her empty room and missing the grandbaby cooing and crying! Missing him so much already and worrying but letting go of the fears I have concerning her ex knowing where she lives - very much alone. She does have a long time friend living in the same apartment complex too. That makes me feel better. She's not totally alone. Many opportunities are opening up rather quickly too, where she can easily take care of herself and her baby. Wow, God is so good.

I do actually like the peace and quiet in the house now and the chance to rearrange my furniture and change things around the house. It has kept me busy! I thank God for the new changes, new opportunities, peace and serenity in my home. I can relax and really truly relax in my own home. It hasn't been this way in such a long time. I can study my recovery materials in any part of my home in peace now. Wow! A new season in my life once again. My fourth step is almost done. I am three quarters of the way through it. I am learning so much about me and my current position in my life. I like me with all my strengths and weaknesses. I am happy to be me and happy with my life today. I am progressing, becoming happier by the day! And God is doing His thing in my life and in those around me!

Today I am so grateful to put my trust where it belongs, in God. And be able to leave it there trusting he will take care of it -- He knows best!

Detaching with Love

I have recently had a few times when I needed to badly detach with love. In the instance of my child and her boyfriend troubles, my ex and his girlfriend troubles in which they tried to involve me, my coworker who is very outspoken and seems to want to tell me how to live, these are just a few cases. I am very sure there are even more I just haven't acknowledged yet. This post on detaching with love at Cupcake Monkey's site is so beautiful. And I just love it. Take a look...

http://cupcakemonkey.blogspot.com/2006/06/learning-to-detach-with-love.html

While I am still talking to my ex, it is not quite as often as before, and our conversations are changing to what I might have with those in my own group. Mostly about recovery. I hear him changing his thinking, or trying to change it. I hear more hope. I also hear a lot about what he was doing while he was using! It is shocking but not. He would never tell me any of this prior to me being in recovery. I would pass judgement on him immediately and make him feel badly for it. Now that I have been in the program for a little bit, I am a lot more non-judgmental and compassionate. Not only with my ex (which to me seems very unusually easy given our past) but with those I meet as well. If I know they've had a problem, I listen differently. And this is actually starting to seep into all my other relationships as well. I am so glad, it feels so good. I can handle things now I couldn't handle at all before recovery! I am happier and comfortable with me more so now than ever before, and that feels great!

I am also thankful for God revealing to me that I have an issue to deal with. It keeps coming back up so much and I know I need to deal with it because I don't want to. It makes me upset immediately and I know that I need to handle it - and do it soon, before I blow up on someone. I think I need some professional help and, to me takes a lot to admit. Before recovery, I would never have admitted I needed help, especially professional help, but today I see that I do. Honesty was the topic of the reading in Courage to Change for Friday, the 23rd. Being honest with ourselves. I do still have a bit of reservation revealing what it is I need help with around the tables and even in a one on one discussion with someone in my group. And when I am trying to avoid something, I know it needs to be dealt with. So I plan to seek out that help tomorrow. I don't know if I need to reveal that in my group, but you know, I feel that I do for some reason. Maybe that is the accountability thing I was wondering about...hmmm.

I am so thankful for -- The Victoria's Secret Annual Sale!!!!! :) I am so bad about getting things I need for me. I will wear my clothes til they have holes or they start falling off of me!!! I stocked up today. It was great! My daughter - who loves shopping - asked me to go with her to the sale and I went kinda nuts! I felt bad too afterwards, but not for long. I spent quite a bit, I normally wouldn't spend so much on me anytime I go there but the deals were great and I am happy with my purchases. I need a better job! I want more of that stuff! LOL

Learning who to spend time with...

Late last week, a friend and I had lunch. She and I have been quite close, she knows a lot about me. Apparently, it is enough to hurt me when she chooses to do so. I don't think she did it purposely, but I just don't know. I felt it was unkind to make the remark she made about something I had told her in confidence and I feel like it was used against me. I noticed my response - I didn't have one and I think I should have. I should have defended myself and didn't. I think I didn't because besides being surprised. I didn't want to get into an argument with her in public. I was avoiding conflict. I did feel hurt and what she mentioned was true at one time although it is no longer true of my feelings anymore. I was pretty quiet the rest of the week. Didn't really talk much with her. She noticed. Then again I shared and she, as usual, doesn't get how I can possibly talk to my ex - period! Without being upset and angry with him. So I commenced to explain why I feel that it is not necessary for me to be upset with him - I experience more serenity when I accept him as he is. He's not changing anyway, no matter what I say or even what he experiences! And the program teaches me a new way of life. I have already been told maybe three times now that she may not need to be involved in my recovery since she has no program and she doesn't understand. Her part in my life is helping me remember to include God in my life and that is where it needs to end. I did stop sharing so much about my recovery part of my life but the drama in my life that continues on, keeps me sharing with her so much. I do share with her about the program and she doesn't really want to hear it. Although she does need it. Her family is full of alcoholics and addicts. She was a former drinker/user herself. They have been affected just as I have, I can see it (of course). She has absolutely no patience for any part of that lifestyle anymore but I feel she is still angered by it, she carries lots of anger behind it. Then there's her anger over her ex! Oh my! When I bring that up, she says she isn't upset over it anymore, but actions and her feelings of anger at him just seem to speak differently to me. Like she's denying she's still angry and not affected by his actions. I actually feel sorry for her being so upset still even after all these years they've been divorced! She looks at me in amazement at things I share about me and my ex in the short time since we've been broken up (just over a year now).

Since Friday, we talked a little and that day when we kinda went back and forth over how I can stand to speak to my ex at all, she asked, "Doesn't that bother you?" Of course, but getting upset doesn't make me feel any better and doesn't change a thing. I also said I don't want to be upset over what he does, I don't want to be like that(reacting like her - I actually pointed at her when I said it!). Going ballistic over what he says or does or doesn't do for me or the kids. And I've found for me, it works, I'm happy with my life and how I am learning to handle it by applying my program. She feels God is all I need and that is that! All this other stuff, CodA, Al-Anon, is not necessary(and that is putting it lightly).

At one time I felt the same, I do feel that God is all I need but the program taught me how to live what I was being told in church. I had it all wrong before my recovery began. I've had my faith since I was a child. And all through this relationship too! You just don't get this stuff in church like you get it in the meetings! AA, Al-Anon, CodA, NA, Etc, etc, they are all here for a reason! Today I am happy being me, not too long ago, I was not.

Oh by the way, this stemmed from today's reading from The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beatty. http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/hazelden/thoughts?page_id=25020

Today:
Serenity approaches in the arms of acceptance.

I allow myself to be me today.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be!

AA Mo State Convention, anyone???

Anybody out here going to the AA MO State Convention in July?? The 14th - 16th in Jefferson City, Missouri? I am looking forward to this, I enjoyed the Sunflower Roundup earlier this year and I am ready for this one too. Hope I get that Friday off but it's looking like not. But who knows! Just gotta ask and see what happens!

Grandson Pics!!!!

More pics of my little Papasito! He's such a darling little boy, I know I am being such a grandma, huh? I know, huh! I hope so much for him, mommy and daddy. I can't wait to see him grow up. He is already cooing and laughing. But still not sleeping thru the night yet! LOL! He had us going late Sunday night...The boy would not go to sleep. I was helping and I was in bad shape the next morning for work. Being up at 2am does not feel good the next day at 7am! Coffee was my drug of choice and so was pop that day! And imagine, there is another on the way! Boy! They are just rolling 'em in ain't they!!!!

Fourth Step Work & my bad habits are back!

I really am discovering lots about me in my fourth step. There's a lot to deal with and I figured I'd better deal with the important stuff first. Thank goodness this at our own pace and we can take as long as we want. I think the abuse issues may take a while, since I don't know the first how to deal with it and I thought that stuff was over with and dealt with! But NO! It popped up a couple of weeks ago or something like that, I shared it here on the blog. I currently don't have a sponsor either and that probably isn't good. I really need to get one who I can talk to regularly.

Last night I felt kind of down in the dumps. I don't really know why, I was doing my fourth step workbook when it hit me. It did last until I went to bed but it wasn't very strong and as far as I remember, there wasn't anything real disturbing in my work I was doing. Just maybe some thing trying to bring me down is all. Sleep shook it off! Today I had a good day. Very productive, but I am being late again! Last week a friend in recovery asked how I was doing with that and I was doing good actually! Then the next day, LATE!!! And since then, LATE!!!! I just don't get it! I noticed that when I say something good about me or what I am doing, suddenly things change! And not for the good! I started Taebo as exercise a month or so ago. I was faithful for two weeks prior to going to Chicago. Came back and started right back faithfully again. Then I mention to someone I am doing Taebo and what happens? I stop doing it faithfully! I am currently struggling to get back in to my routine of doing it every other day! It is so hard....And I don't know why. I am struggling to get up in the morning again and I am going to bed earlier!!!!! It doesn't make sense, does anyone know what is happening? I am getting more done at work though, even though I am getting there late! Today it was lunch too! Late back from lunch. And that is not normal either! I guess I will ask God to change those bad habits, I don't think I've ever asked Him to change me in those areas. Exercise yes, but being late, no. I haven't included Him. I guess its high time to do so!

Another Serene Sunday

Wow! It's been over a week since I posted last! My life kept me busy this past week I guess. I had a very serene Sunday again. My afternoon I spent with my dad, sister, kids, and finally the grandbaby too. My dad didn't seem to want to hang too long with us. He must have had other plans. We took him for his steak, to a place called the Bamboo Hut. He loves it there, we watched the World Cup while we ate on a big screen TV, He loved it! I'm so glad!

Meanwhile, my ex was flipping out today. He was upset because the kids didn't seem to want to spend time with him. The kids and him never really seem to communicate well. It makes me wonder if I was always in the middle while we were together and I think I was, although I can't remember that. I bet he'd tell me if I asked him, but I'm not! :) He kept calling me to ask if they were coming over and I told him I didn't know, why don't you call them? I tried to make things happen last year and this year I am not doing it. It isn't for me to do it. They are grown (19 & 21), they can chose what to do and I know from what has recently happened this year, things are not good between them at all. So he says he's not going to call them, okay, fine, I'm staying out of that. They know it is Father's Day, I have no idea what the plan is but it should not include me. But you know, my codependency kicked in and I wanted to help, or fix, or make him feel better. I almost called but I know what it was, I didn't want to spend time with him, I just wanted to fix it for him. I resisted telling the kids what to do, or what I thought they should do. And they opened up about it. They felt that he wants everything to just be okay because he isn't using right now. He's been clean for two weeks I think he mentioned. And it's like he's forgotten what had recently happened between him and the kids. While I was in Chicago, the kids had trouble and called him to help, and he was in the streets again.
They wanted to come see him and he thought I had Put them up to it, so then he was tripping again. He basically didn't believe them and was now mad at me for it. So it just didn't happen on Father's Day since he upset them.

My announcement that was held up was that I have another grand baby on the way! My other daughter who is 21, is now pregnant. Shocking, seeing that she seemed so freaked out about my youngest having her baby. And she's due in January now. She's as far along as the grandson is old. Wow. I did accept this one a lot better than I did the first one. Anyway, that's the news! Good thing is they both want to move out. I hope they do. This place is way too small for all of us.

Soccer is in the air! I was just saying how I was not going to watch any soccer but my dad watching it Sunday made me kinda want to see it again and hearing the guys at work cheering even though they shouldn't be watching it at work in their cube, got me wanting to at least keep up with Mexico's progress. I guess I will be watching! And you can find the scores here: http://msn.foxsports.com/soccer/worldcup

A Sort of Serene Sunday

Ahhh, just like a picture of the sea on another blog, did I have a very serene Sunday. I took the grandbaby to church with me, while the mommy went to work. Of course he went to the nursery, so I could be in peace in the service and in my Sunday school class. I may take him on Wednesday night too. She can have a rest and I can still go to my Wednesday night class at church I've wanted to get back to so much!

We, my daughter and I, hung out at the Great Grandma's house this afternoon. I was supposed to be going to the Great Grandpa's house this afternoon right after church. He wasn't home so we were (well, I was) invited to bring the baby over to the Great Grandma's house and so I did. It also is where my ex now lives again. I didn't know his mother (Great Grandma) wasn't there. But God is good, I know he watches over me. You know how I felt in my post yesterday. Well, I decided to tell my daughter I was going to take the baby over there. She immediately called, she was just leaving work - early at that. She asked if I wanted her to meet me there. So I decided No, I would rather ride in the air conditioned car she was driving. So I would wait for her to come pick the baby and I up first then we'd all go together. Meanwhile, while I waited for her to arrive, the ex called wondering where I was with the baby. I told him why I was waiting. Then he tells me his mother isn't there, so I questioned why am I bringing the baby, I thought she invited us over so she could see him. So he called his mom and both her and his sister were coming home now. So along with my daughter, his mom and sister would be there with us. He normally acts well in the company of others. But seeing his looks and hearing some quick comments toward me did make me uncomfortable and although I felt comfortable with his family there(they've kept in contact with me), I still saw this as not a good idea. Not good. He thinks things are still open for him to walk in. He was trying to control everyone not just me. He talks differently with his mom, seeming more forceful though joking at the same time. He still has a huge ego, and seems to think he needs to tell me many times of something he's asked me to do even though I already agreed to do it(upload baby photos so they could see them and print some off). I felt like he was trying to get me to do it NOW. Right NOW. And quite a bit more moody than before and easily offended.

Then he dropped the bomb on me...he asked if I wanted to have anymore children with him. Of course the answer was NO. He's known that for quite some time and it is a reason he left, to start another family, which, by the way is now taken from him yet again. He lost what new family he had due to her drug problem. This did make me upset. But still, I didn't prepare to leave. And I don't know if his mom still wants us together or not, but I notice that they never say anything when he says stuff to me like that knowing he has a girlfriend. But I guess that is not for them to handle, huh? That's mine, totally mine to handle. I did tell him that was the purpose of his new woman...lol.

I think, no, I know it upset my daughter too. My kids do not want him back around and neither do I. I don't think they see me really displaying that. One always wants me to hang out with him and I wouldn't, but today she seemed to see it differently and she asked me about it. I did tell her I don't want to be involved with him again, not to worry. I do miss hanging out with his family though, I did it a lot before we broke up. They all still keep in contact with me. His family loved and cared for me. So did his friends even though I didn't know that.

Anyway, not a good idea, I better heed my instincts the next time I am invited. And then not go. The less contact, the better! I don't need to be there. But God did watch over me today as he does every day. Even though I felt uncomfortable at times, I still had my serenity today.

More issues to deal with!!!!

I have found so much this week that I need to work on. Besides trying not to allow the situation with my daughter and her ex to affect me, I also chatted with a friend in the program about the situation and he offered some help. I know it is just that, help. But due to things in my past, and my children's past, it bothered me. It really bothered me. I totally trust this man, but my experience in the past with a few men caused me to immediately question him. And unfortunately, I was not very nice about it. I would totally trust in any other area, except this one, I trust only one. I really didn't even realize it was still there so strongly. And, I think since in the past I wouldn't really show my anger and I do now, I come across quite mean sometimes. I really wish this wasn't so strong and I know that I am not really willing to budge on this issue yet. I don't want to be this way, but it is something I feel very strongly about. Unfortunately, I don't necessarily trust the men in my own family so, I think will have a very hard time changing this attitude towards men when it comes to my children. And yes, they are grown, maybe that is how I need to look at it.
I tend to stand on the defensive when it comes to them and anyone I know interacting with them. A while back, quite a few years, a man I worked with did something I jumped all over him for. I'd known him for a couple years and I would take my children with me to work and when him and I became closer friends he started to interact with one of my kids. Just playing around with them, it was innocent but as I watched, I got more upset and just walked right over and told him NEVER to do it again. I do not trust any man but their father dealing with them in that way. No play uncles, cousins, whatever! It is just not allowed. Of course, the girls were a lot younger then. And their father wasn't around. This is also why I would never invite any male friends over to my place and I still won't. Only if my ex was there. Anyway, when I did this to him(back then) it hurt his feelings and he said he meant nothing by it, he was quite stunned. I really didn't care whether he was hurt or not, we did remain friends though, I know he understood my point too. This time when it happened, I felt badly because of who it was, and I needed to talk about it with someone else. I know he meant well, but I was not willing to accept that at this time, and my attitude wouldn't change. I had to give that to God and ask for the change in attitude and even that was a struggle. I do think this is normal for a mom, especially if there is abuse in the past. I never did deal with my issue in any real way and I really don't know how. I guess since it has come up, it is now time to deal with it. So another season in my recovery has started.

Along with that, I have another surprise I can't yet mention, I am not real happy about but I accept it, and as soon as she lets it out, I will too. My ex's girlfriend is now in jail and he is calling often(daily, though I don't always answer) and is on me to come see him. The bad thing is I want to. I do resist though, I do talk to him and he is fine on the phone, but if it is face to face alone, he pushes the limits again. Now that she's gone I assume that is what is on his mind. And me without a man, huh? I know it isn't the road to travel again and I will not go there, but surprising to me, it is suddenly hard to resist. He claims the reason he likes to talk to me is my ability to be so non-judgmental concerning his life - I don't say what everyone else is saying or anything hurtful. I really think I need to be accountable to someone regarding this area, although I don't know how that might work, or even if I am supposed to do that in recovery, since I am supposed to make the decisions for me. I do feel bad because I feel this way too, not totally, but I do feel like I am nuts for even having trouble with it at all!

Being non-judgmental...I hope I can get to that point with my daughters ex...Anger jumps on me so quickly when I hear anything bad between them. And I know he has problems too that need treatment and a program. I just am not so compassionate towards him at all right now.

On a lighter note, I did the American Heart Association Walk today on the Plaza. Two and a half miles this morning with my company's team. We had fun, I forgot my camera though! I also attended a friend's Quinceanera(15th birthday) today. That was fun too, my first, it was very casual. Only the birthday girl had to dress up. And she looked good! Not so much dancing though, not that I would anyway. I may have tried to...maybe. But it was fun nonetheless.

And if you are not familiar with the Quinceanera, I found info on it that explains it very well:

A Quinceanera (in the tradition of it) is for Mexicans and other Hispanics, it started out with the Aztec Indians and the Mexicans picked up the tradition and changed it a little, Sweet 16's are for EVERYONE, not just white, black. Hispanics have them, Indians have them and even Asians have them. The difference is that the Quince is a tradition, there is a wonderful religious service dedicating the young lady to the Lord and guiding her in the steps so that she knows and honors him. A Sweet 16 can have all of those things but it is really on the lines of having a coming out party, contillion or debutante ball. It was a way of announcing to society that your daughter is at the age for marriage and family. Today the tradition has changed as women are now allowed to be educated. There is no longer the announcing to society and having the special family gathering (I do still see this!) it is a celebration of a girl becomming a young woman. Quinceaneras have held their traditions and that is what makes them wonderful.

Drama kicks in and so did my program!

Of course, when I go out of town, more hell breaks loose at home! My daughter and her ex-bf had another fight. He came to do this and he's using the baby to as an excuse to come by here. Things did not go well and the girls called me in Chicago. Of course I must have looked pale as a ghost! My friend said, "Now you are just going to be sick aren't you!" I had just kind of frozen in time thinking, how could this happen, but I knew it, if it was going to happen, it would be while I was away from the house. That is probably good though, I really would've tried to hurt him had I been there. I would have lost it - for sure. Well, I figured she was watching me react and I was oblivious to her reaction to me. I was actually praying! After trying to figure out what happened for a few seconds. I was thinking, if I am going to have a good time this weekend, I can't let this overwhelm me within my mind. Steps 1 thru 3 came to mind in my prayer.

(1)I am not in control of that situation... It is not mine to handle anyway... There is absolutely nothing I can or should do...it is hers to handle and I must accept it no matter how she handles it! All this went thru my mind as I was praying. Lord please help me let this go...I know it isn't mine. I know what the program says...it says I am not in control of anothers life! Everything is already over! It is done.

(2)If I want to have peace today, right now, I can believe that God can help me regain a peaceful mind. And he can keep it that way.

(3)I started calling on God to please restore my peace. Help me leave it where it is, back in Kansas City. It is done, all over anyway. Help me not to keep worrying or allow doubt to enter my mind! Give it up! Cast my cares on Him, He can handle it. Everything was actually okay.

So I said to her, "Before Al-Anon, I would have immediately left Chicago!!! But today is different." That was my first thought(to leave) when they told me what had happened. But what could I do 8 - 9 hours away? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I just needed to lean on God.

So almost as quickly as it took hold of my mind, I started working to let it go. I knew if I hung on to it, I would not be in a very good mood and I was already hungry. This was at the long awaited Giordano's we'd looked forward too all day long. Chicago stuffed pizza and there was nothing stopping me from getting it. We'd had a hard time finding it and my friend was about to give up. So I started asking people again where this elusive pizza parlor was! And they directed us. So while we waited for it, my mind returned to normal and I redirected my attention to my friend and the little girl whom we were babysitting and keeping her entertained! I enjoyed my dinner and the day continued on! Oh it did try to re-enter my mind, it always does. But I know if I am just as persistant on giving it back to God, it will disappear!

I am so thankful for the recovery programs of Al-Anon and CodA. Along with my faith, actually exercised effectively to produce so much change and serenity in my new life. It kicks in when I need it!

In the past, I would not have been able to make this trip, at least not without my ex. And if I were to guess, I wouldn't have done it if he didn't want me to, and surely he would not have wanted me to take this trip. And the dancing would have been out of the question as well. I almost hesitated to start dancing. I didn't recognize any of the music! I didn't know any of the latin dances! No idea, I just watched a few and then someone asked me to dance. I accepted. They looked simple enough to do. It didn't seem to bother him, I can follow if he leads and I did. I had to relax and let him lead and then it was as if I knew how. Some were harder to do and I didn't attempt those, well, yes I did one. I didn't fare well, but it was funny!

Of course, folks were all drinking here and it was so hot! By the time we left, we had to fight off the guys, who were pretty drunk and becoming very possessive. And not happy with our responses to stop trying to paw us or make things happen that were not going to happen. And the fact that the drink I wanted was WATER! LOL! It was REAL HOT! So we made a quick exit and got home to have some soup before bed and share a few stories about our night.

I've not had the chance to do these things before. I was involved with my ex since high school. So it is all new to me. I thank God for my new life, I feel so free and so much more content without all the craziness I had come to accept as normal in my life. Yeah, it is still drama filled to a certain extent, but it is just different. Better. A journey I am enjoying. And God is working it all out right before my eyes.

Road Trip!!!! Chicago!!!

Finally able to post again! I really missed my PC over the three day weekend I took! Boy, the week was hard. Only three days to finish all my work and get ready for Chicago. So much to do! The week went fast and then we left for Chicago! I don't normally do well when I am tired and we didn't leave until 10pm Thursday night. So I took first shift. I drove all the way to St. Louis, my friend drove all the way to Chicago. We arrived at 5:45 am, directly into a traffic jam! The AM traffic on Friday morning. Each of us slept while the other drove so we each only had - if we were lucky- only four hours of sleep. And you know we didn't. We kept going all day long on Friday too! We visited a friend of hers whom we spent the night with(couple and their child) and had Menudo for breakfast. Then to the top of The John Hancock Tower to see the sights, shopping, movies, Bubba Gumps Shrimp for dinner, Navy Pier, and that was just Friday!

Saturday: The Art Institute, shopping on Michigan Ave & State, Millennium Park, The Bean, Fountains, Gardens of the World display, Chicago Style Pizza - Giordano's, then dropping off the 4 yr old we had with us all day! Then off to another friends house, to visit, catch up and dancing to many different kinds of Latin music all night long until 4 am! We had so much fun, just doing things as they came up. Getting around on the buses was easy. People there were very helpful and willing to get us where we needed to go. They just started up conversations as if they knew you as a friend!

My friends friends were so open and telling me their home was my home, help myself to whatever! And they were sad to see us go. They gave us their beds to sleep on and fed us and kept us entertained. They were so nice and were calling me family as well even though we had just met! I had fun with them and I will miss them.

Of course the dancing was quite a thrill. I didn't think anyone would ask me to dance, it was a Mexican club, and normally I do not get asked to dance, at least not in my home town! Well, that was not so in Chicago! I was dancing nearly non-stop the entire time I was there! I had to beg to sit down or go to the ladies room! The ladies told to me just stick to my guns because these men tend to think they own you if they dance with you, buy you a drink, or just get too drunk! And that started to happen near the end of the night! They did get very possessive and one got down right psychotic with my friend! Well, he started getting quite angry hovering too much and too close for comfort. I did have to decide between being "nice" or setting them straight about why I was there - just to dance and nothing more! I feel I needed to get a little bit evil but he just kept coming, and therefore, was asking for it. Not accepting "No" for an answer turned me off and got me a little upset and uncomfortable. As I stood my ground, he finally backed of and let me be, but I still had to leave because I could tell he was not very happy with me either! Same as their men who kept being clingy and possessive! But I did have fun dancing while it lasted! I did observe the other two ladies who were with me to see how they were doing since I felt I didn't really know what I was doing. I've never dated before and everything I did at the dance club was very new to me. I didn't know the dances and don't even listen to Latin music on a normal basis! I would normally turn down men too if I didn't know how to dance, but not so this time, I just told them what was up and they helped me out! With others I just looked to see what everyone else was doing and did the same! I had a great time! And all these men and her friends spoke Spanish as their first or only language so I was practicing my Spanish all weekend as well!!! I learned a lot of terms this weekend.

But I really missed my email and blog reading and all that stuff, no geeky stuff this past weekend for me! I am nickin' for it too! More soon! Of course all Hell had to break loose while I was gone! So far away and I am powerless over it anyway! There's where the program kicked in! Thank God for Him and my program!

My Drama filled week..And I'm still okay.

I did have a drama filled week last week and it has since calmed down a little. I didn't feel I handled my anger well, or that I wanted to handle it well actually. Didn't really want to hear what the program had to say, although it was in my mind constantly from day one of all the drama. But, I did make it through and no broken principles or departing from my program - with the exception of all the readings during this time, and some old thinking. I did have to go thru a bit of accepting what I cannot change, what really was not mine to change. I did go thru a few days of that.

My daughter broke up with her boyfriend and he is not handling it well at all. He is still trying to control, being very jealous, not helping with the baby, and still trying to get her alone to his place. Only for what I expect can only be to hurt her. I was reminded that I shouldn't get involved and while I did know this, I really didn't feel just sitting back and watching was going to be my way of handling it. I did argue with him and needless to say, I did realize how stupid that was to do after having been in the same kind of relationship myself, except that mine didn't jump into violence so quickly. I really can't say quickly, I knew it was there and the first time this happened, I made sure he knew I was not scared of him and would deal with him if he brought it to my house. I know he seems to think that since there is no man around the house that he can do whatever he pleases. And early in Al-Anon I think I did allow that to happen. As soon as he started being disrespectful my patience ended and so did his visits. So when it happened again, I was not so willing to hear any reason, I quickly jumped to her defense and made it known again, I was not afraid of him, and right or wrong I would deal with him if need be. I had been in a similar relationship, I do know what to do, right and wrong. I felt so much anger and was so willing to deal with it in an unacceptable way. I basically wanted to deal out my own vengeance.

This is really a change for me in a way. My big hang up really was not taking up for myself or standing by my children when it was really needed. But I think this was easy, he provoked me in a way I've never been provoked before, it was automatic to defend my child who, by the way is now 19! But it is normal to defend them, and although I was dying and just praying for him to give me a reason, nothing happened. I had taken it to God in prayer and kept trying to let it go. It was extremely hard. It was unbelievable. I was extremely confident in my ability to handle him since I had fought with a man bigger than him in the past! I was battling myself, what I learned in the program on how to deal with these situations, what my Christian beliefs are told me the same, I was apologizing to God for what I wanted to do, what my plan was, and please help me not to do it, but forgive me if I do! Because I SO want to handle it my way. But you know, she didn't react as I expected, wanting me to help or even wanting to do anything. Except avoid contact with him. I do have to hand it to her, she knows what she does and doesn't want. Which is a lot more than I did in my relationship with her father, I just let it continue, I did want to be with him but in the end, I just could not end it even though it was so far past obvious that he was not good for me or our girls. He wasn't good for himself or anyone.

It did take lots of going to God all week, each day all day long, and at work I was very silent all week and didn't really socialize much as I normally do. Didn't want to talk to any friends in the program after the first night. I did mention it to a couple of people but then just got silent, I didn't pursue it like I normally would if something is bothering me and I know sharing experiences or just talking about it would help me with a solution. I did go back to church on Wednesday evening, and I think that really helped me to let go completely. I am so glad God is so long suffering! It is taking me so long to get my life in some kind of order or as it should and getting God back into my daily life in more than just prayer. I feel myself being drawn to Him more and more on a daily basis, yet I still hesitate or get distracted!

Even though all this happened I do feel I did well. Considering I have only been in the program for one year and so much continues to happen. God is good all the time, if I am going thru something like the above I am meant to learn something from it. I learned about me, I am still very willing to just jump right in, I need to just set an example and offer my suggestions on what to do if she asks me for it. And offer her the program as help, which let me tell you, is not acceptable to her at this point in time. She did offer that bit of clarity to me! And on a more upbeat note, I did start my Tae-bo workouts last week! And have been faithful to every other day! I am feeling really good about that. I already see results after one week! I am also off to Chicago this weekend! Finally! One year since the last time I was there. Hope the weather is nice, I'll be going rain or shine!

Today's reading, A Better Understanding

You know sometimes I wonder why I keep needing to deal with the same situation over and over. Okay, so maybe God is teaching me to stay out of the situation. I really don't know. I just knew that once my ex was out of the picture, my life would change and things would calm down - way down. Not so. Anyway, let me not dwell on the fact that things are livening up again!

Today I read from the Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beatty. Today's reading was on reprogramming. It made me think about where I have come from, where I used to be at this time last year. I was a mess. My life was a serious mess. Things aren't so miserable anymore, I am happier with my choices and my life today. I am just grateful for me, able to appreciate me, love and care for me, things I really hadn't done hardly ever prior to recovery.
I know that without God's help, I wouldn't be where I am today. I had to take Step 3 to heart and give things up that I had never, ever given to God before. And it has made all the difference! Now I can do it with a lot less effort, I am trusting God more and more each time I give Him my cares. I now understand what "Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you" meant! Today, I can actually apply this principle! It is basically, Let Go and Let God! My faith even seems as if it is brand new. I have a much better understanding of what God wants of me and how to apply His word to my life. Thank you Lord, for those things you are teaching me in recovery. And for all I will continue to learn in the coming years!

Some things I just don't care/want to know

Last night was a night that just really did not go my way at all! I was planning to go to my Al Anon meeting as usual, then a friend and I started discussing what to do that night. We wanted to spend time together since we hadn't in a while, so we chose (or I thought we chose) to take a road trip! To Chicago! Once I started canceling my plans for the night, it suddenly changed. She had lots of important family stuff to do this weekend. So she really couldn't go. Then the plan was to see the new movie, The DaVinci Code, we didn't catch an early enough show and I forgot my daughter wanted to use the car to take the baby to his father's for the weekend. Movie plans were now shot! Okay, we'll just go to her place and soak in the hot tub and pool. Great! That was the plan. I got to her place finally about an hour before sundown and found out the pool had been drained and the hot tub as well. So now, no pool or hot tub either! I should have just gone to my meeting as previously planned. But No! I just kept ignoring the signs! Not usually me, well, okay maybe it is(yet another discovery)!

I was so looking forward to that soak in the hot tub due to my week!!! Movies and chatting all night was the agenda for Friday night. This is always interesting with my friend and especially so when her other friends are over too. It is always quite lively to hear their interactions. This too, is the only place outside my family, where I can spend time with other Mexicans/Mexican-Americans. Which sheds more light on my own culture for me, and these ladies(and a few men) are all older than me, so I learn a lot from them and their experiences.

After this entire week, which really started on Tuesday as far as issues for me to deal with and learn about myself, I was really ready to relax! I found out things about me that I really didn't care to know. Things I had said were not like me to do, I was doing! I did continue with my fourth step work on my inventory where I had left off. I still think I am coming out with more good than bad, which of course means (joking)I must be doing something wrong! I must be worse than this. And also makes me question, why do we in recovery feel this is such a hard step to take? I hear so much about how nobody wants to work on this step, yet, I think it really isn't so bad. But, I do have to think, I was never addicted to drugs or alcohol, just to the addict. So it is very different for me to do an inventory than them. I'm the other side of the story, so to speak.

Things I discovered:

Attitudes: I found that I feel I am above the rules or entitled to extra benefits at work. Because I do good work, my employers always like me and defend me, I get along with everyone, I do what is required and usually more (what a shocker!), I think I am entitled to come and go as I please and no one should say anything about it! LOL! Including being late, which started since I moved into my new cube. Not good. My boss knows because we can all see each other now. But she was not the one complaining. Actually, no one is but one person decided to get in my business and I got offended that she did. It really isn't any of her business, I do know what I am doing is wrong and it doesn't feel good. I actually want to change it, and I will. Note: But in the past, I did not care to change it. I did feel entitled. A church devotional I read that next day straightened me out. I was destroying my witness to others by being late, it mentioned a few other things that I do, or have done in the past. So I was checked on my coming and goings! I almost complained to my boss about some one saying something to me about it - and I actually am in the wrong! Notice I said, "I am"!

Worry: I heard about an incident with my daughter and her now ex-boyfriend and it messed with my head quite a bit. Each time I hear about anything with them, I do get worried. Yes, it is part of motherhood, but I carry it quite a ways further until I am obsessing about what is going to happen in the future, the near future and then I tend to start trying to figure out what I am going to do to prevent it from happening! And let me tell you this takes up lots of time as I play the plans over and over in my head! Not controlling my thoughts, not realizing that feelings aren't necessarily facts, not giving it to God and letting him handle it! When I couldn't sleep last night, I finally realized what I was doing and took it to God in prayer. Thankfully I can report that it has been placed in his hands and left there! I was feeling much better today due to this principle being applied! I am so glad to know how to do this now. It takes some work, but it can finally be done effectively, Praise God! Note: the meeting topic I missed Friday evening was Detachment!

Neither one of these discoveries was pleasant this week. But both of them happening has helped me understand me a little more and caused me to apply the principles learned in recovery. To get a better understanding of those principles and even more so, to gain more serenity in my life and in my mind. I saw the world so differently before, it is amazing how much change can happen in one year! It is almost exactly one year since I started Al-Anon and CodA! May 27th is my Al-Anon anniversary(or birthday?) and June 2nd is my CodA anniversary. One year people! I made a year! A hard one, but so fruitful in so many ways! I am truly blessed and happier today! And for that I am very grateful!