My child is leaving the nest - sounds like more acceptance work

Just in the past week, my daughter had another run in with her ex, she was awaiting word on an apartment she was trying to get, and then she got it, and then she moved out! All along saying he was not going to be around, and then he was! On moving day, her father was there too! Not good, he was highly upset by his presence and immediately called his sponsor to ask for help with this anger. I immediately felt his anger too. I have already been through this anger part concerning my daughter and her hectic life with her ex(I no longer think he is an ex anymore), and I knew exactly how he would feel! He asked me what to do too. As much as I wanted to tell him to please get in his ass about his treatment of our daughter, I knew it was not right to say that - its controlling and he won't accept it anyway. The program does not teach me to be like that. So I started to say what I wanted him to do but kept stopping myself from actually saying it. I knew what his sponsor would say too! And he said do nothing, she is allowing it by inviting him back in. And we both see that is exactly what is going on. So we both needed to accept what was happening and give it to God, letting it go. And praying for God's protection over her and the grand baby. And the day went well. Everyone got along well. I was very surprised.

I do keep having to work on this almost daily, I wish she would do what needs to be done, but it is up to her, not me. I am powerless! One good thing, she is questioning her actions and is wanting to go to a support group of some kind to see what it is about. So I told her I would go with her to whatever group she was interested in attending. Saying it was a good idea. I hope she does follow up on that. I do see God beginning His work in her, and His prodding me to leave it up to Him.

My weekend was spent getting her packed and moving her and seeing to it that she had the basic necessities she needed. Actually fun but tiring! I had my cry looking at her empty room and missing the grandbaby cooing and crying! Missing him so much already and worrying but working on letting go of the fears I have concerning her ex knowing where she lives - very much alone. She does have a long time friend living in the same apartment complex too. That makes me feel better. She's not totally alone. Many opportunities are opening up rather quickly too, where she can easily take care of herself and her baby. Wow, God is so good.

I do actually like the peace and quiet in the house now and the chance to rearrange my furniture and change things around the house. It has kept me busy! I thank God for the new changes, new opportunities, peace and serenity in my home. I can relax and really truly relax in my own home. It hasn't been this way in such a long time. I can study my recovery materials in any part of my home in peace now. Wow! A new season in my life once again. My fourth step is almost done. I am three quarters of the way through it. I am learning so much about me and my current position in my life. I like me with all my strengths and weaknesses. I am happy to be me and happy with my life today. I am progressing, becoming happier by the day! And God is doing His thing in my life and in those around me!

Today I am so grateful to put my trust where it belongs, in God. And be able to leave it there trusting he will take care of it -- He knows best!

My child is leaving the nest - sounds like more acceptance work

Just in the past week, my daughter had another run in with her ex, she was awaiting word on an apartment she was trying to get, and then she got it, and then she moved out! Saying he was not going to be around, and then he was! And her father was there too! Not good, he was highly upset by his presence and immediately called his sponsor to ask for help with this anger. I immediately felt his anger too. I have already been through this part concerning my daughter and her hectic life with her ex(I no longer think he is an ex anymore), and I knew exactly how he would feel! He asked me what to do too. As much as I wanted to tell him to please get in his ass about his treatment of our daughter, I knew it was not right to say that. The program does not teach me to be like that. So I started to say what I wanted him to do but kept stopping myself from actually saying it. I knew what his sponsor would say too! And he said do nothing, she is allowing it by inviting him back in. And we both see that is exactly what is going on. So we both needed to accept what was happening and give it to God, letting it go. And praying for God's protection over her and the grand baby. And the day went well. Everyone got along well.

I do keep having to work on this almost daily, I wish she would do what needs to be done, but it is up to her, not me. I am powerless! One good thing, she is questioning her actions and is wanting to go to a support group of some kind to see what it is about. So I told her I would go with her to whatever group she was interested in attending. Saying it was a good idea. I hope she does follow up on that. I do see God beginning His work in her.

My weekend was spent getting her packed and moving her and seeing to it that she had the basic necessities she needed. Actually fun but tiring! I had my cry looking at her empty room and missing the grandbaby cooing and crying! Missing him so much already and worrying but letting go of the fears I have concerning her ex knowing where she lives - very much alone. She does have a long time friend living in the same apartment complex too. That makes me feel better. She's not totally alone. Many opportunities are opening up rather quickly too, where she can easily take care of herself and her baby. Wow, God is so good.

I do actually like the peace and quiet in the house now and the chance to rearrange my furniture and change things around the house. It has kept me busy! I thank God for the new changes, new opportunities, peace and serenity in my home. I can relax and really truly relax in my own home. It hasn't been this way in such a long time. I can study my recovery materials in any part of my home in peace now. Wow! A new season in my life once again. My fourth step is almost done. I am three quarters of the way through it. I am learning so much about me and my current position in my life. I like me with all my strengths and weaknesses. I am happy to be me and happy with my life today. I am progressing, becoming happier by the day! And God is doing His thing in my life and in those around me!

Today I am so grateful to put my trust where it belongs, in God. And be able to leave it there trusting he will take care of it -- He knows best!

Detaching with Love

I have recently had a few times when I needed to badly detach with love. In the instance of my child and her boyfriend troubles, my ex and his girlfriend troubles in which they tried to involve me, my coworker who is very outspoken and seems to want to tell me how to live, these are just a few cases. I am very sure there are even more I just haven't acknowledged yet. This post on detaching with love at Cupcake Monkey's site is so beautiful. And I just love it. Take a look...

http://cupcakemonkey.blogspot.com/2006/06/learning-to-detach-with-love.html

While I am still talking to my ex, it is not quite as often as before, and our conversations are changing to what I might have with those in my own group. Mostly about recovery. I hear him changing his thinking, or trying to change it. I hear more hope. I also hear a lot about what he was doing while he was using! It is shocking but not. He would never tell me any of this prior to me being in recovery. I would pass judgement on him immediately and make him feel badly for it. Now that I have been in the program for a little bit, I am a lot more non-judgmental and compassionate. Not only with my ex (which to me seems very unusually easy given our past) but with those I meet as well. If I know they've had a problem, I listen differently. And this is actually starting to seep into all my other relationships as well. I am so glad, it feels so good. I can handle things now I couldn't handle at all before recovery! I am happier and comfortable with me more so now than ever before, and that feels great!

I am also thankful for God revealing to me that I have an issue to deal with. It keeps coming back up so much and I know I need to deal with it because I don't want to. It makes me upset immediately and I know that I need to handle it - and do it soon, before I blow up on someone. I think I need some professional help and, to me takes a lot to admit. Before recovery, I would never have admitted I needed help, especially professional help, but today I see that I do. Honesty was the topic of the reading in Courage to Change for Friday, the 23rd. Being honest with ourselves. I do still have a bit of reservation revealing what it is I need help with around the tables and even in a one on one discussion with someone in my group. And when I am trying to avoid something, I know it needs to be dealt with. So I plan to seek out that help tomorrow. I don't know if I need to reveal that in my group, but you know, I feel that I do for some reason. Maybe that is the accountability thing I was wondering about...hmmm.

I am so thankful for -- The Victoria's Secret Annual Sale!!!!! :) I am so bad about getting things I need for me. I will wear my clothes til they have holes or they start falling off of me!!! I stocked up today. It was great! My daughter - who loves shopping - asked me to go with her to the sale and I went kinda nuts! I felt bad too afterwards, but not for long. I spent quite a bit, I normally wouldn't spend so much on me anytime I go there but the deals were great and I am happy with my purchases. I need a better job! I want more of that stuff! LOL

Learning who to spend time with...

Late last week, a friend and I had lunch. She and I have been quite close, she knows a lot about me. Apparently, it is enough to hurt me when she chooses to do so. I don't think she did it purposely, but I just don't know. I felt it was unkind to make the remark she made about something I had told her in confidence and I feel like it was used against me. I noticed my response - I didn't have one and I think I should have. I should have defended myself and didn't. I think I didn't because besides being surprised. I didn't want to get into an argument with her in public. I was avoiding conflict. I did feel hurt and what she mentioned was true at one time although it is no longer true of my feelings anymore. I was pretty quiet the rest of the week. Didn't really talk much with her. She noticed. Then again I shared and she, as usual, doesn't get how I can possibly talk to my ex - period! Without being upset and angry with him. So I commenced to explain why I feel that it is not necessary for me to be upset with him - I experience more serenity when I accept him as he is. He's not changing anyway, no matter what I say or even what he experiences! And the program teaches me a new way of life. I have already been told maybe three times now that she may not need to be involved in my recovery since she has no program and she doesn't understand. Her part in my life is helping me remember to include God in my life and that is where it needs to end. I did stop sharing so much about my recovery part of my life but the drama in my life that continues on, keeps me sharing with her so much. I do share with her about the program and she doesn't really want to hear it. Although she does need it. Her family is full of alcoholics and addicts. She was a former drinker/user herself. They have been affected just as I have, I can see it (of course). She has absolutely no patience for any part of that lifestyle anymore but I feel she is still angered by it, she carries lots of anger behind it. Then there's her anger over her ex! Oh my! When I bring that up, she says she isn't upset over it anymore, but actions and her feelings of anger at him just seem to speak differently to me. Like she's denying she's still angry and not affected by his actions. I actually feel sorry for her being so upset still even after all these years they've been divorced! She looks at me in amazement at things I share about me and my ex in the short time since we've been broken up (just over a year now).

Since Friday, we talked a little and that day when we kinda went back and forth over how I can stand to speak to my ex at all, she asked, "Doesn't that bother you?" Of course, but getting upset doesn't make me feel any better and doesn't change a thing. I also said I don't want to be upset over what he does, I don't want to be like that(reacting like her - I actually pointed at her when I said it!). Going ballistic over what he says or does or doesn't do for me or the kids. And I've found for me, it works, I'm happy with my life and how I am learning to handle it by applying my program. She feels God is all I need and that is that! All this other stuff, CodA, Al-Anon, is not necessary(and that is putting it lightly).

At one time I felt the same, I do feel that God is all I need but the program taught me how to live what I was being told in church. I had it all wrong before my recovery began. I've had my faith since I was a child. And all through this relationship too! You just don't get this stuff in church like you get it in the meetings! AA, Al-Anon, CodA, NA, Etc, etc, they are all here for a reason! Today I am happy being me, not too long ago, I was not.

Oh by the way, this stemmed from today's reading from The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beatty. http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/hazelden/thoughts?page_id=25020

Today:
Serenity approaches in the arms of acceptance.

I allow myself to be me today.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be!

AA Mo State Convention, anyone???

Anybody out here going to the AA MO State Convention in July?? The 14th - 16th in Jefferson City, Missouri? I am looking forward to this, I enjoyed the Sunflower Roundup earlier this year and I am ready for this one too. Hope I get that Friday off but it's looking like not. But who knows! Just gotta ask and see what happens!

Grandson Pics!!!!

More pics of my little Papasito! He's such a darling little boy, I know I am being such a grandma, huh? I know, huh! I hope so much for him, mommy and daddy. I can't wait to see him grow up. He is already cooing and laughing. But still not sleeping thru the night yet! LOL! He had us going late Sunday night...The boy would not go to sleep. I was helping and I was in bad shape the next morning for work. Being up at 2am does not feel good the next day at 7am! Coffee was my drug of choice and so was pop that day! And imagine, there is another on the way! Boy! They are just rolling 'em in ain't they!!!!

Fourth Step Work & my bad habits are back!

I really am discovering lots about me in my fourth step. There's a lot to deal with and I figured I'd better deal with the important stuff first. Thank goodness this at our own pace and we can take as long as we want. I think the abuse issues may take a while, since I don't know the first how to deal with it and I thought that stuff was over with and dealt with! But NO! It popped up a couple of weeks ago or something like that, I shared it here on the blog. I currently don't have a sponsor either and that probably isn't good. I really need to get one who I can talk to regularly.

Last night I felt kind of down in the dumps. I don't really know why, I was doing my fourth step workbook when it hit me. It did last until I went to bed but it wasn't very strong and as far as I remember, there wasn't anything real disturbing in my work I was doing. Just maybe some thing trying to bring me down is all. Sleep shook it off! Today I had a good day. Very productive, but I am being late again! Last week a friend in recovery asked how I was doing with that and I was doing good actually! Then the next day, LATE!!! And since then, LATE!!!! I just don't get it! I noticed that when I say something good about me or what I am doing, suddenly things change! And not for the good! I started Taebo as exercise a month or so ago. I was faithful for two weeks prior to going to Chicago. Came back and started right back faithfully again. Then I mention to someone I am doing Taebo and what happens? I stop doing it faithfully! I am currently struggling to get back in to my routine of doing it every other day! It is so hard....And I don't know why. I am struggling to get up in the morning again and I am going to bed earlier!!!!! It doesn't make sense, does anyone know what is happening? I am getting more done at work though, even though I am getting there late! Today it was lunch too! Late back from lunch. And that is not normal either! I guess I will ask God to change those bad habits, I don't think I've ever asked Him to change me in those areas. Exercise yes, but being late, no. I haven't included Him. I guess its high time to do so!

Another Serene Sunday

Wow! It's been over a week since I posted last! My life kept me busy this past week I guess. I had a very serene Sunday again. My afternoon I spent with my dad, sister, kids, and finally the grandbaby too. My dad didn't seem to want to hang too long with us. He must have had other plans. We took him for his steak, to a place called the Bamboo Hut. He loves it there, we watched the World Cup while we ate on a big screen TV, He loved it! I'm so glad!

Meanwhile, my ex was flipping out today. He was upset because the kids didn't seem to want to spend time with him. The kids and him never really seem to communicate well. It makes me wonder if I was always in the middle while we were together and I think I was, although I can't remember that. I bet he'd tell me if I asked him, but I'm not! :) He kept calling me to ask if they were coming over and I told him I didn't know, why don't you call them? I tried to make things happen last year and this year I am not doing it. It isn't for me to do it. They are grown (19 & 21), they can chose what to do and I know from what has recently happened this year, things are not good between them at all. So he says he's not going to call them, okay, fine, I'm staying out of that. They know it is Father's Day, I have no idea what the plan is but it should not include me. But you know, my codependency kicked in and I wanted to help, or fix, or make him feel better. I almost called but I know what it was, I didn't want to spend time with him, I just wanted to fix it for him. I resisted telling the kids what to do, or what I thought they should do. And they opened up about it. They felt that he wants everything to just be okay because he isn't using right now. He's been clean for two weeks I think he mentioned. And it's like he's forgotten what had recently happened between him and the kids. While I was in Chicago, the kids had trouble and called him to help, and he was in the streets again.
They wanted to come see him and he thought I had Put them up to it, so then he was tripping again. He basically didn't believe them and was now mad at me for it. So it just didn't happen on Father's Day since he upset them.

My announcement that was held up was that I have another grand baby on the way! My other daughter who is 21, is now pregnant. Shocking, seeing that she seemed so freaked out about my youngest having her baby. And she's due in January now. She's as far along as the grandson is old. Wow. I did accept this one a lot better than I did the first one. Anyway, that's the news! Good thing is they both want to move out. I hope they do. This place is way too small for all of us.

Soccer is in the air! I was just saying how I was not going to watch any soccer but my dad watching it Sunday made me kinda want to see it again and hearing the guys at work cheering even though they shouldn't be watching it at work in their cube, got me wanting to at least keep up with Mexico's progress. I guess I will be watching! And you can find the scores here: http://msn.foxsports.com/soccer/worldcup

A Sort of Serene Sunday

Ahhh, just like a picture of the sea on another blog, did I have a very serene Sunday. I took the grandbaby to church with me, while the mommy went to work. Of course he went to the nursery, so I could be in peace in the service and in my Sunday school class. I may take him on Wednesday night too. She can have a rest and I can still go to my Wednesday night class at church I've wanted to get back to so much!

We, my daughter and I, hung out at the Great Grandma's house this afternoon. I was supposed to be going to the Great Grandpa's house this afternoon right after church. He wasn't home so we were (well, I was) invited to bring the baby over to the Great Grandma's house and so I did. It also is where my ex now lives again. I didn't know his mother (Great Grandma) wasn't there. But God is good, I know he watches over me. You know how I felt in my post yesterday. Well, I decided to tell my daughter I was going to take the baby over there. She immediately called, she was just leaving work - early at that. She asked if I wanted her to meet me there. So I decided No, I would rather ride in the air conditioned car she was driving. So I would wait for her to come pick the baby and I up first then we'd all go together. Meanwhile, while I waited for her to arrive, the ex called wondering where I was with the baby. I told him why I was waiting. Then he tells me his mother isn't there, so I questioned why am I bringing the baby, I thought she invited us over so she could see him. So he called his mom and both her and his sister were coming home now. So along with my daughter, his mom and sister would be there with us. He normally acts well in the company of others. But seeing his looks and hearing some quick comments toward me did make me uncomfortable and although I felt comfortable with his family there(they've kept in contact with me), I still saw this as not a good idea. Not good. He thinks things are still open for him to walk in. He was trying to control everyone not just me. He talks differently with his mom, seeming more forceful though joking at the same time. He still has a huge ego, and seems to think he needs to tell me many times of something he's asked me to do even though I already agreed to do it(upload baby photos so they could see them and print some off). I felt like he was trying to get me to do it NOW. Right NOW. And quite a bit more moody than before and easily offended.

Then he dropped the bomb on me...he asked if I wanted to have anymore children with him. Of course the answer was NO. He's known that for quite some time and it is a reason he left, to start another family, which, by the way is now taken from him yet again. He lost what new family he had due to her drug problem. This did make me upset. But still, I didn't prepare to leave. And I don't know if his mom still wants us together or not, but I notice that they never say anything when he says stuff to me like that knowing he has a girlfriend. But I guess that is not for them to handle, huh? That's mine, totally mine to handle. I did tell him that was the purpose of his new woman...lol.

I think, no, I know it upset my daughter too. My kids do not want him back around and neither do I. I don't think they see me really displaying that. One always wants me to hang out with him and I wouldn't, but today she seemed to see it differently and she asked me about it. I did tell her I don't want to be involved with him again, not to worry. I do miss hanging out with his family though, I did it a lot before we broke up. They all still keep in contact with me. His family loved and cared for me. So did his friends even though I didn't know that.

Anyway, not a good idea, I better heed my instincts the next time I am invited. And then not go. The less contact, the better! I don't need to be there. But God did watch over me today as he does every day. Even though I felt uncomfortable at times, I still had my serenity today.

More issues to deal with!!!!

I have found so much this week that I need to work on. Besides trying not to allow the situation with my daughter and her ex to affect me, I also chatted with a friend in the program about the situation and he offered some help. I know it is just that, help. But due to things in my past, and my children's past, it bothered me. It really bothered me. I totally trust this man, but my experience in the past with a few men caused me to immediately question him. And unfortunately, I was not very nice about it. I would totally trust in any other area, except this one, I trust only one. I really didn't even realize it was still there so strongly. And, I think since in the past I wouldn't really show my anger and I do now, I come across quite mean sometimes. I really wish this wasn't so strong and I know that I am not really willing to budge on this issue yet. I don't want to be this way, but it is something I feel very strongly about. Unfortunately, I don't necessarily trust the men in my own family so, I think will have a very hard time changing this attitude towards men when it comes to my children. And yes, they are grown, maybe that is how I need to look at it.
I tend to stand on the defensive when it comes to them and anyone I know interacting with them. A while back, quite a few years, a man I worked with did something I jumped all over him for. I'd known him for a couple years and I would take my children with me to work and when him and I became closer friends he started to interact with one of my kids. Just playing around with them, it was innocent but as I watched, I got more upset and just walked right over and told him NEVER to do it again. I do not trust any man but their father dealing with them in that way. No play uncles, cousins, whatever! It is just not allowed. Of course, the girls were a lot younger then. And their father wasn't around. This is also why I would never invite any male friends over to my place and I still won't. Only if my ex was there. Anyway, when I did this to him(back then) it hurt his feelings and he said he meant nothing by it, he was quite stunned. I really didn't care whether he was hurt or not, we did remain friends though, I know he understood my point too. This time when it happened, I felt badly because of who it was, and I needed to talk about it with someone else. I know he meant well, but I was not willing to accept that at this time, and my attitude wouldn't change. I had to give that to God and ask for the change in attitude and even that was a struggle. I do think this is normal for a mom, especially if there is abuse in the past. I never did deal with my issue in any real way and I really don't know how. I guess since it has come up, it is now time to deal with it. So another season in my recovery has started.

Along with that, I have another surprise I can't yet mention, I am not real happy about but I accept it, and as soon as she lets it out, I will too. My ex's girlfriend is now in jail and he is calling often(daily, though I don't always answer) and is on me to come see him. The bad thing is I want to. I do resist though, I do talk to him and he is fine on the phone, but if it is face to face alone, he pushes the limits again. Now that she's gone I assume that is what is on his mind. And me without a man, huh? I know it isn't the road to travel again and I will not go there, but surprising to me, it is suddenly hard to resist. He claims the reason he likes to talk to me is my ability to be so non-judgmental concerning his life - I don't say what everyone else is saying or anything hurtful. I really think I need to be accountable to someone regarding this area, although I don't know how that might work, or even if I am supposed to do that in recovery, since I am supposed to make the decisions for me. I do feel bad because I feel this way too, not totally, but I do feel like I am nuts for even having trouble with it at all!

Being non-judgmental...I hope I can get to that point with my daughters ex...Anger jumps on me so quickly when I hear anything bad between them. And I know he has problems too that need treatment and a program. I just am not so compassionate towards him at all right now.

On a lighter note, I did the American Heart Association Walk today on the Plaza. Two and a half miles this morning with my company's team. We had fun, I forgot my camera though! I also attended a friend's Quinceanera(15th birthday) today. That was fun too, my first, it was very casual. Only the birthday girl had to dress up. And she looked good! Not so much dancing though, not that I would anyway. I may have tried to...maybe. But it was fun nonetheless.

And if you are not familiar with the Quinceanera, I found info on it that explains it very well:

A Quinceanera (in the tradition of it) is for Mexicans and other Hispanics, it started out with the Aztec Indians and the Mexicans picked up the tradition and changed it a little, Sweet 16's are for EVERYONE, not just white, black. Hispanics have them, Indians have them and even Asians have them. The difference is that the Quince is a tradition, there is a wonderful religious service dedicating the young lady to the Lord and guiding her in the steps so that she knows and honors him. A Sweet 16 can have all of those things but it is really on the lines of having a coming out party, contillion or debutante ball. It was a way of announcing to society that your daughter is at the age for marriage and family. Today the tradition has changed as women are now allowed to be educated. There is no longer the announcing to society and having the special family gathering (I do still see this!) it is a celebration of a girl becomming a young woman. Quinceaneras have held their traditions and that is what makes them wonderful.

Drama kicks in and so did my program!

Of course, when I go out of town, more hell breaks loose at home! My daughter and her ex-bf had another fight. He came to do this and he's using the baby to as an excuse to come by here. Things did not go well and the girls called me in Chicago. Of course I must have looked pale as a ghost! My friend said, "Now you are just going to be sick aren't you!" I had just kind of frozen in time thinking, how could this happen, but I knew it, if it was going to happen, it would be while I was away from the house. That is probably good though, I really would've tried to hurt him had I been there. I would have lost it - for sure. Well, I figured she was watching me react and I was oblivious to her reaction to me. I was actually praying! After trying to figure out what happened for a few seconds. I was thinking, if I am going to have a good time this weekend, I can't let this overwhelm me within my mind. Steps 1 thru 3 came to mind in my prayer.

(1)I am not in control of that situation... It is not mine to handle anyway... There is absolutely nothing I can or should do...it is hers to handle and I must accept it no matter how she handles it! All this went thru my mind as I was praying. Lord please help me let this go...I know it isn't mine. I know what the program says...it says I am not in control of anothers life! Everything is already over! It is done.

(2)If I want to have peace today, right now, I can believe that God can help me regain a peaceful mind. And he can keep it that way.

(3)I started calling on God to please restore my peace. Help me leave it where it is, back in Kansas City. It is done, all over anyway. Help me not to keep worrying or allow doubt to enter my mind! Give it up! Cast my cares on Him, He can handle it. Everything was actually okay.

So I said to her, "Before Al-Anon, I would have immediately left Chicago!!! But today is different." That was my first thought(to leave) when they told me what had happened. But what could I do 8 - 9 hours away? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I just needed to lean on God.

So almost as quickly as it took hold of my mind, I started working to let it go. I knew if I hung on to it, I would not be in a very good mood and I was already hungry. This was at the long awaited Giordano's we'd looked forward too all day long. Chicago stuffed pizza and there was nothing stopping me from getting it. We'd had a hard time finding it and my friend was about to give up. So I started asking people again where this elusive pizza parlor was! And they directed us. So while we waited for it, my mind returned to normal and I redirected my attention to my friend and the little girl whom we were babysitting and keeping her entertained! I enjoyed my dinner and the day continued on! Oh it did try to re-enter my mind, it always does. But I know if I am just as persistant on giving it back to God, it will disappear!

I am so thankful for the recovery programs of Al-Anon and CodA. Along with my faith, actually exercised effectively to produce so much change and serenity in my new life. It kicks in when I need it!

In the past, I would not have been able to make this trip, at least not without my ex. And if I were to guess, I wouldn't have done it if he didn't want me to, and surely he would not have wanted me to take this trip. And the dancing would have been out of the question as well. I almost hesitated to start dancing. I didn't recognize any of the music! I didn't know any of the latin dances! No idea, I just watched a few and then someone asked me to dance. I accepted. They looked simple enough to do. It didn't seem to bother him, I can follow if he leads and I did. I had to relax and let him lead and then it was as if I knew how. Some were harder to do and I didn't attempt those, well, yes I did one. I didn't fare well, but it was funny!

Of course, folks were all drinking here and it was so hot! By the time we left, we had to fight off the guys, who were pretty drunk and becoming very possessive. And not happy with our responses to stop trying to paw us or make things happen that were not going to happen. And the fact that the drink I wanted was WATER! LOL! It was REAL HOT! So we made a quick exit and got home to have some soup before bed and share a few stories about our night.

I've not had the chance to do these things before. I was involved with my ex since high school. So it is all new to me. I thank God for my new life, I feel so free and so much more content without all the craziness I had come to accept as normal in my life. Yeah, it is still drama filled to a certain extent, but it is just different. Better. A journey I am enjoying. And God is working it all out right before my eyes.

Road Trip!!!! Chicago!!!

Finally able to post again! I really missed my PC over the three day weekend I took! Boy, the week was hard. Only three days to finish all my work and get ready for Chicago. So much to do! The week went fast and then we left for Chicago! I don't normally do well when I am tired and we didn't leave until 10pm Thursday night. So I took first shift. I drove all the way to St. Louis, my friend drove all the way to Chicago. We arrived at 5:45 am, directly into a traffic jam! The AM traffic on Friday morning. Each of us slept while the other drove so we each only had - if we were lucky- only four hours of sleep. And you know we didn't. We kept going all day long on Friday too! We visited a friend of hers whom we spent the night with(couple and their child) and had Menudo for breakfast. Then to the top of The John Hancock Tower to see the sights, shopping, movies, Bubba Gumps Shrimp for dinner, Navy Pier, and that was just Friday!

Saturday: The Art Institute, shopping on Michigan Ave & State, Millennium Park, The Bean, Fountains, Gardens of the World display, Chicago Style Pizza - Giordano's, then dropping off the 4 yr old we had with us all day! Then off to another friends house, to visit, catch up and dancing to many different kinds of Latin music all night long until 4 am! We had so much fun, just doing things as they came up. Getting around on the buses was easy. People there were very helpful and willing to get us where we needed to go. They just started up conversations as if they knew you as a friend!

My friends friends were so open and telling me their home was my home, help myself to whatever! And they were sad to see us go. They gave us their beds to sleep on and fed us and kept us entertained. They were so nice and were calling me family as well even though we had just met! I had fun with them and I will miss them.

Of course the dancing was quite a thrill. I didn't think anyone would ask me to dance, it was a Mexican club, and normally I do not get asked to dance, at least not in my home town! Well, that was not so in Chicago! I was dancing nearly non-stop the entire time I was there! I had to beg to sit down or go to the ladies room! The ladies told to me just stick to my guns because these men tend to think they own you if they dance with you, buy you a drink, or just get too drunk! And that started to happen near the end of the night! They did get very possessive and one got down right psychotic with my friend! Well, he started getting quite angry hovering too much and too close for comfort. I did have to decide between being "nice" or setting them straight about why I was there - just to dance and nothing more! I feel I needed to get a little bit evil but he just kept coming, and therefore, was asking for it. Not accepting "No" for an answer turned me off and got me a little upset and uncomfortable. As I stood my ground, he finally backed of and let me be, but I still had to leave because I could tell he was not very happy with me either! Same as their men who kept being clingy and possessive! But I did have fun dancing while it lasted! I did observe the other two ladies who were with me to see how they were doing since I felt I didn't really know what I was doing. I've never dated before and everything I did at the dance club was very new to me. I didn't know the dances and don't even listen to Latin music on a normal basis! I would normally turn down men too if I didn't know how to dance, but not so this time, I just told them what was up and they helped me out! With others I just looked to see what everyone else was doing and did the same! I had a great time! And all these men and her friends spoke Spanish as their first or only language so I was practicing my Spanish all weekend as well!!! I learned a lot of terms this weekend.

But I really missed my email and blog reading and all that stuff, no geeky stuff this past weekend for me! I am nickin' for it too! More soon! Of course all Hell had to break loose while I was gone! So far away and I am powerless over it anyway! There's where the program kicked in! Thank God for Him and my program!

My Drama filled week..And I'm still okay.

I did have a drama filled week last week and it has since calmed down a little. I didn't feel I handled my anger well, or that I wanted to handle it well actually. Didn't really want to hear what the program had to say, although it was in my mind constantly from day one of all the drama. But, I did make it through and no broken principles or departing from my program - with the exception of all the readings during this time, and some old thinking. I did have to go thru a bit of accepting what I cannot change, what really was not mine to change. I did go thru a few days of that.

My daughter broke up with her boyfriend and he is not handling it well at all. He is still trying to control, being very jealous, not helping with the baby, and still trying to get her alone to his place. Only for what I expect can only be to hurt her. I was reminded that I shouldn't get involved and while I did know this, I really didn't feel just sitting back and watching was going to be my way of handling it. I did argue with him and needless to say, I did realize how stupid that was to do after having been in the same kind of relationship myself, except that mine didn't jump into violence so quickly. I really can't say quickly, I knew it was there and the first time this happened, I made sure he knew I was not scared of him and would deal with him if he brought it to my house. I know he seems to think that since there is no man around the house that he can do whatever he pleases. And early in Al-Anon I think I did allow that to happen. As soon as he started being disrespectful my patience ended and so did his visits. So when it happened again, I was not so willing to hear any reason, I quickly jumped to her defense and made it known again, I was not afraid of him, and right or wrong I would deal with him if need be. I had been in a similar relationship, I do know what to do, right and wrong. I felt so much anger and was so willing to deal with it in an unacceptable way. I basically wanted to deal out my own vengeance.

This is really a change for me in a way. My big hang up really was not taking up for myself or standing by my children when it was really needed. But I think this was easy, he provoked me in a way I've never been provoked before, it was automatic to defend my child who, by the way is now 19! But it is normal to defend them, and although I was dying and just praying for him to give me a reason, nothing happened. I had taken it to God in prayer and kept trying to let it go. It was extremely hard. It was unbelievable. I was extremely confident in my ability to handle him since I had fought with a man bigger than him in the past! I was battling myself, what I learned in the program on how to deal with these situations, what my Christian beliefs are told me the same, I was apologizing to God for what I wanted to do, what my plan was, and please help me not to do it, but forgive me if I do! Because I SO want to handle it my way. But you know, she didn't react as I expected, wanting me to help or even wanting to do anything. Except avoid contact with him. I do have to hand it to her, she knows what she does and doesn't want. Which is a lot more than I did in my relationship with her father, I just let it continue, I did want to be with him but in the end, I just could not end it even though it was so far past obvious that he was not good for me or our girls. He wasn't good for himself or anyone.

It did take lots of going to God all week, each day all day long, and at work I was very silent all week and didn't really socialize much as I normally do. Didn't want to talk to any friends in the program after the first night. I did mention it to a couple of people but then just got silent, I didn't pursue it like I normally would if something is bothering me and I know sharing experiences or just talking about it would help me with a solution. I did go back to church on Wednesday evening, and I think that really helped me to let go completely. I am so glad God is so long suffering! It is taking me so long to get my life in some kind of order or as it should and getting God back into my daily life in more than just prayer. I feel myself being drawn to Him more and more on a daily basis, yet I still hesitate or get distracted!

Even though all this happened I do feel I did well. Considering I have only been in the program for one year and so much continues to happen. God is good all the time, if I am going thru something like the above I am meant to learn something from it. I learned about me, I am still very willing to just jump right in, I need to just set an example and offer my suggestions on what to do if she asks me for it. And offer her the program as help, which let me tell you, is not acceptable to her at this point in time. She did offer that bit of clarity to me! And on a more upbeat note, I did start my Tae-bo workouts last week! And have been faithful to every other day! I am feeling really good about that. I already see results after one week! I am also off to Chicago this weekend! Finally! One year since the last time I was there. Hope the weather is nice, I'll be going rain or shine!

Today's reading, A Better Understanding

You know sometimes I wonder why I keep needing to deal with the same situation over and over. Okay, so maybe God is teaching me to stay out of the situation. I really don't know. I just knew that once my ex was out of the picture, my life would change and things would calm down - way down. Not so. Anyway, let me not dwell on the fact that things are livening up again!

Today I read from the Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beatty. Today's reading was on reprogramming. It made me think about where I have come from, where I used to be at this time last year. I was a mess. My life was a serious mess. Things aren't so miserable anymore, I am happier with my choices and my life today. I am just grateful for me, able to appreciate me, love and care for me, things I really hadn't done hardly ever prior to recovery.
I know that without God's help, I wouldn't be where I am today. I had to take Step 3 to heart and give things up that I had never, ever given to God before. And it has made all the difference! Now I can do it with a lot less effort, I am trusting God more and more each time I give Him my cares. I now understand what "Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you" meant! Today, I can actually apply this principle! It is basically, Let Go and Let God! My faith even seems as if it is brand new. I have a much better understanding of what God wants of me and how to apply His word to my life. Thank you Lord, for those things you are teaching me in recovery. And for all I will continue to learn in the coming years!

Some things I just don't care/want to know

Last night was a night that just really did not go my way at all! I was planning to go to my Al Anon meeting as usual, then a friend and I started discussing what to do that night. We wanted to spend time together since we hadn't in a while, so we chose (or I thought we chose) to take a road trip! To Chicago! Once I started canceling my plans for the night, it suddenly changed. She had lots of important family stuff to do this weekend. So she really couldn't go. Then the plan was to see the new movie, The DaVinci Code, we didn't catch an early enough show and I forgot my daughter wanted to use the car to take the baby to his father's for the weekend. Movie plans were now shot! Okay, we'll just go to her place and soak in the hot tub and pool. Great! That was the plan. I got to her place finally about an hour before sundown and found out the pool had been drained and the hot tub as well. So now, no pool or hot tub either! I should have just gone to my meeting as previously planned. But No! I just kept ignoring the signs! Not usually me, well, okay maybe it is(yet another discovery)!

I was so looking forward to that soak in the hot tub due to my week!!! Movies and chatting all night was the agenda for Friday night. This is always interesting with my friend and especially so when her other friends are over too. It is always quite lively to hear their interactions. This too, is the only place outside my family, where I can spend time with other Mexicans/Mexican-Americans. Which sheds more light on my own culture for me, and these ladies(and a few men) are all older than me, so I learn a lot from them and their experiences.

After this entire week, which really started on Tuesday as far as issues for me to deal with and learn about myself, I was really ready to relax! I found out things about me that I really didn't care to know. Things I had said were not like me to do, I was doing! I did continue with my fourth step work on my inventory where I had left off. I still think I am coming out with more good than bad, which of course means (joking)I must be doing something wrong! I must be worse than this. And also makes me question, why do we in recovery feel this is such a hard step to take? I hear so much about how nobody wants to work on this step, yet, I think it really isn't so bad. But, I do have to think, I was never addicted to drugs or alcohol, just to the addict. So it is very different for me to do an inventory than them. I'm the other side of the story, so to speak.

Things I discovered:

Attitudes: I found that I feel I am above the rules or entitled to extra benefits at work. Because I do good work, my employers always like me and defend me, I get along with everyone, I do what is required and usually more (what a shocker!), I think I am entitled to come and go as I please and no one should say anything about it! LOL! Including being late, which started since I moved into my new cube. Not good. My boss knows because we can all see each other now. But she was not the one complaining. Actually, no one is but one person decided to get in my business and I got offended that she did. It really isn't any of her business, I do know what I am doing is wrong and it doesn't feel good. I actually want to change it, and I will. Note: But in the past, I did not care to change it. I did feel entitled. A church devotional I read that next day straightened me out. I was destroying my witness to others by being late, it mentioned a few other things that I do, or have done in the past. So I was checked on my coming and goings! I almost complained to my boss about some one saying something to me about it - and I actually am in the wrong! Notice I said, "I am"!

Worry: I heard about an incident with my daughter and her now ex-boyfriend and it messed with my head quite a bit. Each time I hear about anything with them, I do get worried. Yes, it is part of motherhood, but I carry it quite a ways further until I am obsessing about what is going to happen in the future, the near future and then I tend to start trying to figure out what I am going to do to prevent it from happening! And let me tell you this takes up lots of time as I play the plans over and over in my head! Not controlling my thoughts, not realizing that feelings aren't necessarily facts, not giving it to God and letting him handle it! When I couldn't sleep last night, I finally realized what I was doing and took it to God in prayer. Thankfully I can report that it has been placed in his hands and left there! I was feeling much better today due to this principle being applied! I am so glad to know how to do this now. It takes some work, but it can finally be done effectively, Praise God! Note: the meeting topic I missed Friday evening was Detachment!

Neither one of these discoveries was pleasant this week. But both of them happening has helped me understand me a little more and caused me to apply the principles learned in recovery. To get a better understanding of those principles and even more so, to gain more serenity in my life and in my mind. I saw the world so differently before, it is amazing how much change can happen in one year! It is almost exactly one year since I started Al-Anon and CodA! May 27th is my Al-Anon anniversary(or birthday?) and June 2nd is my CodA anniversary. One year people! I made a year! A hard one, but so fruitful in so many ways! I am truly blessed and happier today! And for that I am very grateful!

New Grandbaby Pics, Final Episodes night

There he is! My little grand baby! He's just so cute! I just purchased a digital camera and am having so much fun with it! For you geeks out there it is a SONY Cybershot 5.1 Megapixel Camera. I only have a 512MB card in it so I only will fit about 300 pictures on it. I love it! It's great! I know I could have splurged more but I am a cheap geek! And rather tight right now so that explains why I don't have the latest and greatest! And why I am just now buying one! The reason is who you see above! Didn't have a legitimate reason why I should have one before he came along!!!!

This little boy is so fussy at night and in particular today! What with all the TV finale stuff going on all night! He sure did pick a night to do his wailing! Grey's Anatomy was on, Bush was on, Prison Break! Man! We needed to be taping it all! They were good by the way, the parts we did get to concentrate on anyway!

Being grateful for today

Today was a very good day. I worked my Avon, did deliveries, spent time with my sister and her husband. Then passed out after a very good meal that was paid for! Even after the nap I was starting to feel kind of down or unappreciated. Why? I really don't know. I just did. So I started reading some of my fellow bloggers postings once I got home. And this one is one I needed to hear for today...Check it out: Sober Chick: Hi-5 2 5 senses It made me think of what I am grateful for today and everyday. I needed to think on these things.

I guess I wish I had a new man in my life. I actually do, kind of, that's kind of sad, I didn't even realize I actually do. I have been seeing the man who took me to the Chiefs game in December. He is very nice to me. I am attracted to him in a different way than I have been attracted to men in the past. I am attracted to him due to the way he treats me - with kindness, compliments that seem never ending, he reminds me of what he thinks of me whenever we talk. He thinks very highly of me it seems. I am definitely not used to that - at least not for the past few years. I know my ex doesn't think badly of me, he has told me many times he is not holding anything against me for what has happened (not that it was my fault, it was him who left - my fault to a point I've learned). But this new man, I haven't known him long and I actually miss him when I don't hear from him. He isn't what I normally am attracted to and maybe that is why I am sort of resisting this a little. It is different, and I am a little scared to even start down that road, but it is starting. Okay, let me be very honest, I am quite scared to start down that road, but I am allowing it.

I notice that he seems to cater to me and I love it, but I am not used to it. I think codependence, my culture, and my own beliefs make me think this is wrong. It should be me catering to him, not the other way around. But, I still love it. Now he's asked me to attend the opening practice for the Chiefs and, unlike the last man who asked when we were going out, I immediately said yes! I am attracted to the other man sexually, which is more of what I am used to. Not that I am or had been acting on that impulse, because I do not. Because I feel that he treats me as if I need to learn from him or I feel that he treats me somewhat inferior, I don't care to spend time with him. I believe all he wants is sex. Not too interested in that attitude. Wow, I think that is an excellent change happening within me. Something I hadn't noticed before this post! I wanted to go out with #2(sexual interest guy) but chose to spend time with #1(football guy). I thought, and still do to some extent, that sexual interest was to come first. Thank goodness for recovery teaching me a thing or two - I see I am developing new thinking. I am very grateful for the friends I have in recovery, I know their experience and sharing has helped me develop my thinking as well.

Codependency says, I need to change for him...to make him happy. The Mexican culture shows me the man is head of the household. He leads, I am to follow his lead, regardless of what I want. Of course, the younger the generation is, I think the less this is true. Or maybe I just always left out the fact that he should be treating me good, period. I have seen this many times over in the Mexican culture. The woman is interested in pursuing something - if he doesn't approve, it will not happen, no matter how badly she wants it.
The bible says I am to be submissive to my husband and he is the head of the household. Now, I know God did not intend for women to be mistreated, so I obviously haven't understood these beliefs correctly. I know what I had was not a godly relationship. But I sure was working to make it that way I thought, and we wasn't ever my husband! If you go by Common Law, maybe so, he used to say this to me repeatedly too, he felt we were already married. Common Law I didn't care for.

Now I know codependency is something I need to work on and change in my life. And I misinterpreted, or just carried too far my religious beliefs where they should not have been applied yet in my life. But in order for me to recover I did need to go through this, so God is at work in my life regardless of my screw ups! He can, and has turned things around for His good! And mine! But you know, there is that culture part, I also believe that it is correct and know that I need to watch myself and not let me lose sight of me in the process of another relationship. I want to be that wife who can cater to her man. I want him to lead. When a man leaves all the decisions to me, I don't like it. I also want to be cared for as well. I want to be happy. So I think I really need to be careful. It seems there is a very fine line between my past and my present. Okay, I now see there may be some deep fourth step work involved here, and I need to work on it. I started and stopped just before the grand baby arrived. Therein may lie my answer to why I believe as I do. And what I must do to gain some balance in my life. Thanks for listening.

And a share on serenity that touched me today as well...
http://cupcakemonkey.blogspot.com/2006/05/serenity-is-always-available-to-me-but.html

God never fails!

I feel a little silly sharing this story of what has troubled me the last two days. Over the weekend has been the long awaited time for my new cube to be built. It was built so I could be back in the same area as the Accounting department. A previous move had placed me completely out of the department. My boss didn't care for that at all. It wasn't convenient at all.

Okay, so they built my cube. I knew it was not going to be ideal. But the CEO didn't care for the design and, at the last minute, changed them for the better. Only thing is my cube only has three walls and is open towards the main hallway of the building. I am pretty much visible to any and everyone who passes by and all the way to the rear of the building. I don't care for it and after a little more tweaking, I still don't. Monday I was asked what I thought of it and how I felt. I was fuming until that point. This was my chance to let the top guy know exactly how I felt! So I did. I do like the space but I feel naked! Referring to the opening in my cube. He did mention it had been changed for the better, and I replied yes, but I still feel naked. Then I explained that was the only gripe I had. Nothing else was said...by either of us. I guessed, well, who knows. I really was not happy and I think you could tell it.

So today I felt better, went to work, but started pouting after I arrived in my cube. I felt like nothing I could say would make any difference. I got angry again. I had to keep asking God not to let me stay angry. Each time I felt it, I had to ask for His help again. It happened most of the morning. Finally it went away after I kept thinking, I can't change this, it doesn't help to complain or be angry about it. Complaining may be okay, but I knew if I did I would just get very smart ass....and that was not going to be professional. I felt quite a bit out of control and I'd better let God handle this because I could tell I was not going to handle it correctly myself! Well, later in the day, actually, for the last two days, people looking into my cube either voiced their opinions about being able to see so much of it; visitors were totally able to see me working and see my PC screen; and my supervisor could see it into my cube too well, I guess. I don't think she liked the view(hmmm). So at the end of the day I hear her saying she wants me closed up a little more. She took others to the rear of the building to show how much she could see and only a small panel is needed to cover me up just enough. Yeah!!!! So now we will see what is going to be adjusted tomorrow! I just started thanking God that I listened and He helped me to deal with it and left it up to Him. He's taking care of it! That I can trust!

This really bothered me to no end today (this morning). I am glad it will be worked out. I can just give it my all again. And just do my job in my new space, which, actually is bigger than my last space, brighter, closer to everything I used frequently and close to the bathrooms! LOL! Okay, I'm done! God is faithful!

More Cinco de Mayo & Unexpected visits

So much for taking my father to any Cinco de Mayo stuff. He doesn't care to go. He said he wanted to see the Aguilars, but never mentioned it to anyone. And all the groups at Crown Center aren't of any interest to him. So maybe my sister and I will go. She wants to do something and doesn't know about anything going on, so we are still on. Only I have a couple things to do today so it breaks up my day pretty much until tonight! Still early though. We will still be able to do something. It is someone by the name of Flaco Jiminez tonight. I wish it was warmer though...Not too nice out side, chilly.

I was paid a very unexpected visit by my ex yesterday evening and this morning. He was coming to see the grandbaby,who was not there yet. I guess they don't have a phone so he can check if we are here. Anyway, he was very uneasy, nervous, or paranoid. It freaked me out but I kept on preparing for the evening. He continued to tell me what had been happening in his life. As expected, things aren't going well. He's going to go to court for domestic violence, they told him he would need a lawyer. He seems to be a little worried about it. Of course, he jokingly said "If only your Mama had married me, I wouldn't be going thru this now." My daughter said, "Oh yeah, I bet that's the real reason, huh?" Then we all laughed. He asked her if he could come back to us. He asked me that yesterday, actually, he didn't ask, he told me he was. "You can't come here" I told him. He keeps saying he's going to leave her, as if that will change our answer. He talks so badly of her and it sounds exactly how the kids and I used to describe him. He called her the Devil. I said, "Man, that's what we thought of you at the time you lived here!" It only makes me think I am seeing him get back what he's given out. That's really kinda spooky too!

She has lost custody of her kids and her family will not allow her to see the kids anymore. I can't imagine how that feels. She is already disturbed, now I can't imagine how she feels. I miss my grandbaby almost the minute he goes out the door, and he isn't even my child. Boy, I just can't imagine, and then she has to put up with this ass of a man. Anyway, I feel bad for her. The kids became fond of her baby too.

Well, I am about to attend a graduation for a friend today. And catch up to my sister later. Another link for Cinco de Mayo in KC! www.fiestakc.org
And another! KCK Events: http://aztecadegreaterkansascity.org/html/events.html

Something else I remembered after posting yesterday. My ex said he didn't like how I was able to find out about my culture so easily. That was his reason for me not to try to find out more or be a part of it and, it somehow changes me. He says he has no history to discover, I find that very hard to believe. They have an entire month devoted to African-American History and more and more of it keeps coming out! Oh, excuse me! There I go trying to figure him out again! Sorry! Bye!

Rediscovering my own culture

Today is a very popular Mexican...holiday? No, day of celebration! Historical day in Mexican history. And, in the past I never really paid it much attention. I was so involved in my relationship, with someone who didn't have the same culture and didn't care to know anymore about it. Maybe, who knows why he felt that way. He always said I wasn't like that when we met. But you know, as you mature, you realize the importance of your own history. It does finally become important or meaningful to you. I want to, and have always wanted to learn more about it...Since I feel I neglected it for so long.

I had the pleasure of attending a concert last night where there were only Mexican entertainers. None of which I knew or have ever heard of! I almost didn't go. I had not been out with this friend in a while and I wanted to spend time with her. She is Mexican as well, when I hang out with her it is very different than any other close friends I have. Her circle of friends are almost entirely Hispanic. I have never hung out with any Hispanic people except for my family and we have adopted the American culture much more so than most other Hispanic families. Or it has just slowly drifted out of our lives little by little. It seems that way anyway. Maybe that is just in my life. Since he really didn't like for me to 'so called' change, I would pursue my interests in my culture for a time and then just let it go when he made too much fuss about it. As I was with so many Mexicans last evening enjoying the concert, I was thinking, how much more of this have I missed - I felt a little sad because of it! I didn't know who this singer (entire family - Aguilars) was, I didn't know the words to the songs, didn't recognize most of the songs, but I had such a good time watching the crowd interact, listening to the music, and trying to understand the language and learning more of it as the night went on. I had a great time! I did have to ask a few times for translation, but for the most part, I understood the language a lot better than I thought I would. If I were asked to translate I would have had a problem though. A lot of what I understood was due to the context it was being used mostly, I understood the gist of the conversation or jokes. The jokes were the hardest to follow, but I think I did good.

It was good to be there although, if I had not been with my friend, I would have felt totally out of place and very uncomfortable. I did notice there was no other culture represented there. Purely Mexican culture was there last night. I heard the gritos(shouts) all around me in response to the songs, and it was very familiar even though my family doesn't really attend concerts like this. I think, I know, my father would have loved this concert. It was available for free to me at the very last minute, and only one ticket. I must find out more of our celebrations around town this weekend and get my dad and maybe my sister to go with me. It is so fun finding out about my culture more and without any hindrances! I am loving it. It really is a journey thru this recovery process. What I used to say was I was upset about having to start all over again, not anymore! Now I am totally enjoying it!

History behind Cinco De Mayo: http://www.inside-mexico.com/featurecinco.htm

Letting go...

I mentioned in the last post about having a hard time with my anger and rescuing... It did linger a little bit this past week. Every time someone mentioned him or I knew my daughter was talking to him, I got angry. I decided to share with a lady friend via email. She suggested I give him over to God. Man! Why didn't I just think if that? So simple. But very hard to do. I did pray for protection of the baby and my daughter. Not that anything is happening. Just did so to feel comfortable. So I did this with him too. Well I did this probably Monday, I didn't realize until Thursday that those feelings were gone! All gone! I hadn't thought about it or anything until the meeting Thursday night. It worked! I know how I am to handle things most times, but when it comes to giving it up or letting it go and let God, I usually need to be reminded! Her suggestion helped me so much! She also could relate having been in a similar situation.

This past Sunday we had a guest speaker at our church. He was excellent! He spoke on relationships, sexual issues and gave his own testimony. His story is pretty interesting. Anyway, I've not heard anyone speak so openly on sexual issues before. Of course, he did not do this at our church, there was a CD with an interview he did on those topics. Very good by the way. Nothing I EVER would have asked any pastor or minister - EVER! I will leave you with a link to his site. I think he's great! His name is Sy Rogers. I've not heard someone be so open about their past sexual history as he was in church. I've only heard that in meetings really. He did talk about acceptance within the Christian community of those whom we know are in lifestyles that are not accepted by the church. Basically, we don't know how to begin to share Christ in a loving and accepting way to those who are currently living in sin. Our approach is usually wrong. Instead of just trying to win a debate, we should just share Christ, not try to prove who is right! I got a lot out of this speaker this Sunday, and acceptance is just the beginning!

www.syrogers.com

New life and old ways

Before this baby came, I was dreading his arrival. I just didn't feel the motherly or grandmotherly instinct kicking in. I could wait forever for him to come. Well, it did kick in! And, now I am fine after sleeping thru the night again. I don't mind holding him while he is waiting for a bottle and not very quiet! I feel the wanting to serve and help pulling me all the time now.

I sure did have quite a problem this past Friday. I wanted to take control of a situation that I probably couldn't have helped anyway. My daughter was having a hard time with the father of the baby and she instantly called me for help. Of course, I tried to jump in to action. But I think God had another plan, as soon as I figured out that I couldn't go anywhere (my car keys where suddenly lost), the situation was solved without my input. I wanted into that situation so badly, extremely bad! My need to rescue her kicked in like before when she would call on my help, and, when I did try to help, it didn't help at all. Things calmed down, but my input was never really received. And if I really think about it, I was trying to tell them how they should be or how they should act. I wanted them to change their thinking and that clearly was not going to happen. I do remember seeing that while I was talking to them. I am beginning to think that we are dealing with someone who isn't mentally well. The things he does just don't make any sense at all. And I just hope things do not escalate.

Even after the situation was resolved, I kept it going in my head, worrying and wondering what was next. I was talking to my sister who kept stopping me from continuing on. She kept saying it wasn't my problem, she must deal with that. And I knew she was right, who knows what I would do once I had arrived there. I was very angry that there was any trouble at all. It just didn't make sense. But I did need someone telling me I couldn't do anything and she was going to have to resolve it, not me. So it eventually helped. I stayed on the phone until I could let it all go or accept it. Then I still didn't find my keys until it was time for my meeting that evening! Isn't that amazing! I found them exactly when I needed them!

At the meeting, many of us had trouble that day, or this past week. We were all talking about an eventful week...So I really wasn't alone. I can't say that it felt good to know that, but it does feel good that others understand and I feel support just in that fact!

Yes! He's finally here! He arrived last week. April 5th. That is where I've been! He is such a cutie pie! This little boy was a lot of work on his mom. Poor thing, she can't take much discomfort and it took him a while to get here and she was very uncomfortable during the whole thing. Nothing really seemed to comfort her well enough. But she's made it and now he's here. I am rather speechless at this time or tired. So I will just have to write more later! There were so many ups and downs during the labor. I just really don't feel like going into it all. Everything is fine - everyone is doing good and it is all said and done! Hasta Luego!

Still no grandbaby...And not too much else

No grandbaby yet. I wonder what the child's hold up is...God must have a plan. Or maybe He's holding out so I can finish the few things I want to finish before the baby comes. There is so much to do. We will probably have visitors after the baby comes and I would really like the parlor to be free and clear of objects that don't necessarily need to be there, but they are pretty large for me to move. Anyway, I want to tidy up. I hope that's it! LOL I better get to it, huh? Maybe He's allowing for the grandpa to be able to be there and he's in rehab right now. His time is almost over. Well, we'll see soon huh?

I felt pretty lonely Monday evening, I can't stand that feeling, I really am very rarely ever alone in my house and this feeling just hits me so hard sometimes. At least it only lasted an evening this time. Tuesday I was fine. And today I am great! I hope the rest of the week goes quickly. I have a Dr appointment tonight and really need to get to work at home! I am going to do something at home tonight. I've been relaxing too much I think for all the stuff I need to get done.

I did get asked out again and I haven't yet answered back. I am assuming I will need my own money and that really limits me to where I can go and what I can do. So I am not really pushing it since I don't know how this guy really feels. Maybe I should just be very direct, it worked in the past and things are very clear when I do that. I do think he is being very sweet to me after not talking to me for a while. He's from out of town and now lives here, but doesn't really hang out with anyone - at least that is what he says. Oh well, I am not pursuing that, I will just see what happens or what he comes up with. I am not sure how to proceed with him. I am assuming we are friends. That would probably be the safest, but that again means I need my own $$$ and so I can't really do much at all. Money is too tight right now.

Nothing really interesting happening except my daughter having her false labor.... Sunday I thought we were going to the hospital but, nope! Nothing happened, they went away and we are still waiting! Well, more time to accept the fact that there will be a baby in the house again after so long! Almost 20 years!

My 20 year class reunion is coming up in July! I will be there. Not too happy about going cause of course I feel like I should be in a better position than I am now but I am not. I am happy though, I feel better about me, I wish I was a little more fit, but that can be worked on. I still have a little bit of time before I attend! Maybe that should be my focus! It will benefit me in more than one way to get into shape. Okay, now I have a goal....Now if I will just stick to it!!! Gotta go!!!

Grandbaby, Friends, & my Ex's girlfriend

No Grandbaby yet...I think we are all anxious for the baby to get here! But he's taking his time. Let's see. What has transpired since the 15th? They sent my daughter home from work Monday, and want her to stay home! They did give her a gift and a card. Then they sent her home at 9 am! LOL! She's so uncomfortable. Poor baby! I don't miss that!

My friend I had disagreed with last week, again said something I thought was very unsupportive of me! I said I wouldn't allow my daughters boyfriend to live here with us, and in one instant she told me, "Good for you!" Then in the next few minutes she was telling me I was going to let him move in! I really think she feels I have no backbone whatsoever! It hurt for her to say that too! So, it was like flipping a switch for me! I asked why I felt like she supported me at first and then she says something to make me feel like she isn't supporting me anymore all of a sudden! She did say she was sorry. Then we had lunch and she sort of explained how she really doesn't know how it feels to be on the inside of the relationship and it makes her appear to be judgmental. Okay, I think she got my point anyway. It's my path, not hers. I don't think we will have that problem again. At least I hope not.

I went to pick up some party purchases from my ex's Mom, Monday evening. His girlfriend was there. I think she felt the need to try to mark her territory. She seemed to have an attitude but didn't show it - she just expressed it in her voice. I felt like we were in high school or something. I didn't play into it. It really doesn't matter, I just didn't like it and I know she feels threatened by me being around. But if it keeps happening, I may just have to say something. And if I do, I hope to do it in a way so she doesn't think I want him back in any way! I don't plan on going over there much anyway. I felt like crap that day too, so of course I think I looked like crap! His Mom asked me for help with her browser buttons that were missing. I was all too happy to help - PC's are my thing. A hobby I guess... She also told me I was looking pretty too with my new lipstick, I welcomed that since I felt like crap and had a lingering headache due to the dentist visit. I wished I hadn't come, it seemed like she(his girlfriend) knew I was coming and she kinda spruced herself up. She was dressed a bit nicer than I'd seen her before and had makeup on. Still I don't see it...And that's all I'm going to say about that! She let me know that she knew about his truck being at my place. She wanted to know how his truck was - what kind of question was that anyway? Hell, it's there and that's all there is to it. She made sure to let me know he wants me to call him when our daughter goes into labor, oh, and that he calls her almost daily. LOL it was kinda funny to see a grown woman act like that. Well, actually it was a bit weird to tell the truth. It seemed very out of place and strange for some reason. I was going to say something but felt it was just not worth it or not really necessary to do so. So, I didn't. Maybe I won't have to either.

My dad finally got his tamales, well, they are here and now he is no where to be found! I get them so he will stop talking about the lady and calling her names and where is he? Who knows! I think I have a good guess, but we'll leave that alone too.

It's late I must go to sleep. Work, a meeting, taxes to finish and Avon to pass out tomorrow! I'm leaving a link for the geeks out there. My favorite PC magazine: Maximum PC! www.maximumpc.com Enjoy!

Taking Care of Me

The past few weeks I have had headaches so badly on the weekend and this week they started to stay with me. So for the last few days I've had headaches! Man, all this starts happening just after my insurance went into affect at work. So I only have to pay a copay to see the doctor. It still hurt to pay just the copay! Anyway, the doctor cracked me and cracked me and I feel great. I was so sleepy during my meeting tonight but I feel so good! I am not all in knots anymore.

But I was also so relaxed that I had to go to sleep. I have continued to feel great. I really don't think I need to go back Monday but, I think I will anyway!

I guess the news this week is that a friend and I disagreed about the way I handle my last relationship. She thinks I shouldn't have any contact. And I do. I am not initiating this contact, but it is still happening. It is actually happening more often. But I am happy the way it is and it really is my business, I think I am being very open and am not trying to hide anything. And even that is a big step for me. I never wanted anyone to know all the things I've gone thru with him over the years. And even when we broke up I still tried to keep it going for a very short time before I finally accepted it and started to admit what had happened. But it seems like she feels I should be pissed at him and I was for a while, but when I finally forgave, it just went away. I begged God to please help me not to be mad or rather, stay mad at him, that is all I ever did in the past. I didn't want to be hateful to him. Number one reason: he is still the kids father, he will interact with them from time to time. And we are putting them through college and we still need his help in any way we can get it. I don't want turmoil in my life now that he is gone, I want peace and serenity. Well, we will probably never agree, but it didn't matter. I know she does not hesitate to expresses her opinion and she is entitled to it but I felt like she just wants me to be the same way and I am not. I am not one to hold grudges and stay mad forever. I don't hate folks no matter what they do. Of course I get upset with people like anyone else, it just doesn't stick with me. And now after being in Al-Anon and CodA for a few months, things don't stick with me for very long at all. If something upsets me, I can choose to be pissed off or choose to be happy, or let it go so it doesn't affect me so much. I want to live to be content in whatever situation I find myself in. The bible teaches us we should be that way. And the program says each experience we go thru will is meant to teach us something. And, we are always right where we should be and we can trust God to lead us thru each one. So, my friend and I kinda left it at that, we just differ on that point, it is not the only point. As a matter of fact, we are having lots of differing opinions. Maybe this is my learning time to deal with someone who has such a different opinion from my own and it will help me to figure out why I hold this position, or teach me to stand up for my own position. Who knows but it is helping me to learn how to deal with someone with such strong opinions on this subject. I think I finally held my own for once. I do see my own part in this too. I let her tell me over and over about how she felt. And not once before this did I stop her, or mention what my position was, that I was not happy with her opinion or whatever, I usually gave no indication of how I felt. I know its been suggested that I practice more detachment in my previous dealings with my ex. And I do listen to what people see, where before I didn't at all. They may think I am not, and I may show that I don't like what you are suggesting, but believe me, I am listening. And I will think on it, I think on many more things about changing me now than ever before. Improving and trying to live a new happier life.

No Grandbaby yet either! Preparations are taking place finally. We are getting ready! Maybe by the next post I'll have a Grandbaby.

Discovering Me...

This week was pretty uneventful. But I discovered a few things about me this week. Early in the week, I was asked out by an older Hispanic man, much older, by maybe 20+ years. Well, It really just kinda upsets me that he is so old and wants to take me out. Anytime a Mexican or Hispanic man wants to do this, he's very old. This man is old enough to be my father! And it just made me upset along with something I found out about another Mexican man who is with a young friend of mine. Why do they need to be looking for women who are so young? I started thinking about this after making a joke about it to a friend. I was joking but they could not tell I was (an IM cell msg) joking. So when they commented that I was bitter, I laughed it off but after the conversation was over, I started thinking about my comments. They were pretty ugly and I was only joking, but did I really believe it? And my determination is I do. The comment was possessive, cradle-robbing, drunks! Now I am Mexican myself, and for me to say that was pretty bad I think. I felt that it is true as far as I have seen. Of course, I don't feel that way about my father and I do know that all Mexican or Hispanic men are not like that. It's just that I haven't met any that aren't!!!

One friend I talked to about it said, yes, in many cases we know of, it is true. Or appears to be true but, we still forgive that, and try to win them to Christ anyway, so He can work on them to change them from the inside out. They don't know any better - yet. And it is not up to us to change anyone but ourselves! I brought it up in a meeting this week and was informed that it is not just one race of men who are like that. Other men are like that but we can't dwell on what we think or get depressed thinking all men are alike! They aren't and I've met quite a few men who aren't like that. Unfortunately, none were Mexican! But we aren't to focus on people's quirks or problems, we just need to work on us and let the other stuff go. If it starts to hurt someone and we can do something about it, then maybe we should act if we can. If it will change the situation favorably for whomever is on the victim end of that. But mostly, we can't do anything about those situations.

And, why was I dwelling on it? I don't know, just the information I had found out in the last few days had pissed me off! I don't date any Hispanic men for no special reasons, and I don't really meet them or many of them anyway. Just not interested and I actually never have been and that's just me. Maybe I will meet some in the future...And find some who don't fit my stereotype! That's bad to have those, I never thought I did, but I guess I do! And I don't think I am alone!

I also found that I am really enjoying my life now. I am happy and smile often. I used to think losing my ex-bf would be the end of my life, and I couldn't make it without him. It seemed to feel that way for many months. I hated to feel like I had to start my life over after investing so much time with him. Now I am finding that discovering myself, my likes, dislikes, hanging out with friends and so on is quite interesting and fun! I have new friends and old to hang out with and I am doing okay, there are still major issues in my life I need to conquer and deal with but, for the most part, I am still very happy. I am just working on me and fixing me up so I can be a better person for the next relationship. I like to try new things, I will try most any food, I do like going to new places and I am having a good time discovering these things! I am free to do as I please, when I please! Yippeee!!!

I did do a favor for my ex-bf today. He is going back to rehab and he needed a place to store his truck. So, I allowed it. Don't know if it is right or wrong to do this, but I did. He'll be gone for a while and no one will mess with it here. We've been apart long enough for his new acquaintances not to know he's stored it here. His mom was afraid someone may come looking for him at her place. It's a little busted up. I guess his new friends aren't very friendly. His gf chose to live in the streets again in a former lifestyle and left. This was shocking to me and I started reacting to her story with so much disbelief like I used to react to him leaving our house for the streets! I still really can't believe she chose to leave. She has two children...It is amazing what an addiction will make you do. I understand Alcoholism and Addictions better now than ever but it still amazes me what people will do to fulfill that dependency. I guess I was the same, I had a dependency too, to stay in a really bad relationship and try to change him, I just knew I could fix him. So now I understand from both sides really, not completely from their side, but a lot more than I used to understand. They really don't have a choice of whether or not to stop doing whatever they do, the addiction just takes over. And, in many cases, the addict will do whatever they need to do to satisfy themselves. Pretty sad, the things they, or we, will do. I thank God I don't have a chemical dependency! My life could really be a lot worse.

On a lighter note, I am going to the movies this Friday to see Madea's Family Reunion. A friend and his wife are taking me to the movies for my birthday! Yes, it was last month, but I can handle belated birthday gifts! I don't care when they come! LOL! I am very happy to get them! Yeah!

So Much Change, So Little Time

Well, I can't believe how quickly things change in my life and in so little time! My ex left rehab after not even a week. I got caught up in his crap as if I was still with him, and learned a few unmentionables in the process about a few others! Man!

The worst part, I think, is the fact that I got caught up in his crap so very easily. I just handed over control to him as if we were still together. He asked for a ride, I gave him a ride, kinda. When he asked for the ride, he asked to drive. I had told him I wasn't going to run him around in search of his drug of choice, well according to him that was not what he was doing. So okay, I can give the ride, I wasn't going to let him drive, but when he asked I did. Reluctantly, I just scooted right over and let him drive and he drove a bit fast. He was pretty frantic. He kept saying he needed to talk but not to me and couldn't get a hold of his sponsor. So I really didn't know what was going on just assumed he was lying to me. He calmed down, slowed down and we went our separate ways that evening.

The next day was his birthday, he called at 3:30 A M! To apologize to me for everything he had done to me and all he put me through over the years. I was too tired to get mad and I wouldn't be mad if anyone called me that late normally anyway. But if it keeps happening, then I start to get mad. I did wish him a happy birthday and that was the end of it. The next morning I was over an hour late to work and I had to make it up. That was hard! I already had time to make up this week! It sucked! Big time! He called two more times while I was at work and finally told me what was up. His girlfriend had taken off on him while he was in rehab, that is why he left. The rest is not good, but it boiled down to this, she's giving him a taste of his own medicine. He now understands what exactly I was going thru with him while we were together. And this was why the apology came again.

Once all that was over, I attended the Sunflower Roundup this weekend and it was excellent! I liked all the speakers I heard! I only missed one and I hope he was good because I purchased that CD. All the stories were very interesting and I learned alot! I also went to the dance on Saturday night. It was okay I went so late. It was after eleven when I arrived. Maybe almost twelve! Everyone I sat with were soon leaving. I felt dumped! Anyway, I met a young man who has an uncle who attends the AA meeting held the same night as my Al-Anon meeting. He knew some of the people I know who attend the meeting sometimes. And a few regulars. We danced the last dance of the night. What a coincidence to meet him! I had a blast at the Roundup this weekend. I may have to go to the meeting my group leader told me about in Jeff City this summer. I really would like to attend the one in Osage Beach too. I loved it while we were there one summer. I would like to go back again to see it...and attending the meetings would be a plus!
Well, my dad just found out I am attending Al-Anon, and he seems to be offended! I didn't realize I hadn't told him, I really thought I had and he doesn't understand - I think he thinks that I am attending AA meetings for Alcoholics. Maybe that is it. I did try to explain but he doesn't seem to be getting it. He asked me if I had some kind of problems to be going to them kind of meetings! My ex's grandmother didn't at first either! I had to explain to her as well. Well, maybe that chance will come soon with Papa! Right now, I gotta go mimis(to sleep)!!!

I am blessed and God is good, All the time!

Since my birthday, I've had quite a bit of contact with my ex, who seems to keep wanting to go over our past and what I did wrong or what I should have done to make things right. One time I did blow up, that was before my birthday...since then I can accept what he feels and just leave it alone once I realize what is happening. If I start to argue, I realize it shortly after. At least I am not getting all bent out of shape, like I did a few weeks ago. I know I handled it badly that day. But it was a slip and I am still learning to accept and deal with so many changes in my life. He is now gone to rehab and all of us (his family) are quite relieved.

My youngest daughter had her baby shower this weekend and it was great! She has nearly everything she needs now and we will need to buy very little! God really blessed us through Alex's family and our families! Many, many came on both sides and friends, etc, etc. She was very blessed, thank God, we really don't have the money to do much but keep the ridiculously high-priced gas from getting shut off!!! Besides all the rest of the bills! And the shower was fun! Plenty of food, gifts, and we got to know each other. I like his family.

Our Friday meeting had to be cancelled due to the cold...wah! The readings were so good that day. I wanted to share how they had helped me through the day. But another time I guess.

Here I am once again missing church! This is not good! I don't like getting out in the cold and I just am so tired! Maybe I will make a meeting tonight. There is one I've been wanting to go to on Sunday night. Well, I think this is it for my entry today. My life has been pretty quiet, calm, serene and uneventful for the past week or so! Thank God for that! I am happy, my kids are happy and we are coming up on that new baby's due date fast approaching!

I will leave a link to my church's website. Yes, the one I have recently NOT been attending due to my own excuses of the cold, and being tired!!! http://www.sflc.net

Birthdays, Old & New times, Squabbles, Life!!!!

What's new? I went to a friend's birthday gathering at Niecie's this past weekend and it was excellent! The food was great! I had Catfish there and it was soooo good. Not that I am picky or anything like that because I am not in anyway. I like most of anything as far as food! But I am picky about fish, it's got to be good, real good. Houston's and Niecie's here in KC do it right! The Mahi Mahi fish sandwich is the best at Houston's on the Plaza and the Catfish is it at Niecie's! Well, I like it so much we are going for my birthday on Saturday, the 11th! I hope everyone else likes it as much as I do.

Well, my ex informs me he has to go back to a rehab - phew! Thank God! He was worried about jail time, but nope, I said that ain't happening! You NEVER go to jail - ever! Well, all that worrying I did a couple of weeks ago was all for nothing(and I knew that then, but, you know!) so I am glad that is over. Actually, it was over later that evening that I started freaking out, thanks to the time spent by a couple of friends that night (Thx J & F! U guys don't know how much I appreciate u!). And a house full of college girls! My daughter had some friends in from Columbia, MO that night. It was like old times when my house was always full of girls, kids. I loved it then. And I still love it now! I miss those times. Wish I had more money to host the whole lot many times but I don't. It was nice for the short time they were there. Good to see them all again and spend a little time with them too - I miss all you girls! Or rather, Ladies!

Sashi has one more month, ok almost two, to go on her pregnancy. We're gonna have a boy! That freaks me out too. Never raised a boy and not sure I want to, I think he may give me a heart attack just from the bumps and the dings he will endure. And that is just the beginning. I really hope the maternal instincts kick in when the baby comes, cause I sure don't feel 'em! I can SO WAIT for this grand baby to come! Too bad Mama will miss it - but I guess she really won't miss it, huh?

Mia and I butted heads this week. She has one chore and though we all don't do any of our duties very well, I get a pretty bad attitude and even less cooperation out of Mia. Who knows why, maybe since she's been out on her own for a short time at college, but it just showed a lot the other day and I had to say something about it. Well, she disappeared for the night and I hope blew off some steam. I did. I called up my sis and just released it. She had a story about one of her friends who has the same problem. I think my lieniancy with Mia is the culprit and trying to change things now is really way too late! But she got away for a while and I hung on to it all day until I spoke with my sister, then I felt better. I was able to release it! I was once again speaking as if it was a fact and not just a feeling!!!! So I recognized that and that is when I called my sister. So I could vent and let it go! Then the day went back to normal. Mia called, we chatted or kinda vented to one another for a few minutes, I told her what I needed, what we would try, and left it at that. We are going to switch around chores and see if that works better, but if not, then we switch back or try something else. Either way, something has to change. And I have an amend i need to make to her too, since I was upset, I had eaten her leftovers she came home looking for after work....and didn't care. The minute she said something about it, gave me the opportunity I was waiting for to confront her. So, even though I replaced it with someone else's help (since I am SO poor at the moment), I still need to make amends to her. And as yet, she hasn't made it home...so that's later!!!!!

This week has been pretty darn good. I am blessed but I do need to keep reminding myself who lives inside of me and keeps me going and who I can trust to lead me on my path! That is definately where the thought of the amends came from! Okay Lord! Okay! I know you are just molding me to be what you know I can be...but it ain't easy. As a matter of fact, I am getting lots of dings!!!! Hard head maybe? LOL! Even though things aren't right and seem so bad, you are still in control.

"No more crying about my situation! I know what I gotta do! Gotta pray, gotta trust, gotta believe! Depend on You!" (It's Gon' Be Nice - Yolanda Adams, Day by Day)
http://music.yahoo.com/release/23297352

This CD is excellent by the way! This is my uplifting music! If I haven't already shared...and I think I have. So I guess I am really trying to impress upon you how much I love this music! It is helping me stay focused on God along with my Al-Anon & CodA literature. A Joyce Meyer devotional and my church's quarterly devotional which is recently working itself back into my daily readings! All these things keep me grounded!

Didn't make it to the Wed night meeting but just hung out with Sashi. I've been away from home so much that I just didn't want to go anywhere and it is frickin' COLD outside!!!! Still, got out for a short minute so she could go to the store. Poor baby, she always stays in the house, just barely starting to get out now, but still not much. Then when the baby comes who knows. She hasn't been a real homebody till now...

Okay, I think I've caught you up to today! This weekend is my birthday and I am looking for something to do since most of my friends are either working, or have grandbabies or kids, or whatever the case may be are busy! Wah! Well, there's always another time too, I can do something later! So I am still hoping! But I am having a Quake 4 party Friday night ( http://www.quake4game.com/ ) with my sisters after the meeting! So I can blow up some stuff!!! Blow off some steam I mean, yeah...Adios!!!!