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This is what gives me joy

This is what gives me joy this weekend. Been spending time with my grandbaby who loves to go to his cousins to play...cousins, right? He is the grandbaby and the two are my sisters kids. Well, whatever! He loves to go play with them.

Still no meeting. But looking to make a change here soon. I feel like I should but I am unsure again. I think I am letting a certain part of my life run wild and I can't seem reign it back in. I can't seem to start the change rolling and I know I need to. So I am starting to take baby steps to change that part of my life. And I need to get back to church! Missing God too...

Stressed and Sick this week

Well, feeling stressed at work again and sick this week, but I am not going to just let it get to me. I am going to do what I can in the time I have been given. There is a lot not getting done. My duties are covered less some filing, but it can wait. But the extra is getting a lot harder to get to. I hate that. It does feel overwhelming. But I can only do what I can and I think I do that well. The extra too if I can get to it!

Still no meeting. I really need to take care of me. My boss is even taking time off and starting to take care of her needs first. So it got me to realizing that I am not. I need to care for me quite a bit right now! I need to see the doctor, dentist, pay bills, clean up around here, and relax! Besides do this side work I was planning on doing for a friend! So much stuff to do. My car is having trouble too but I need more money to handle it. I may just need to change mechanics! I am really thinking that may be my problem with my car.

I want to get back to my meetings but I am so tired at the end of the week. I just stay home. During the summer it was going out and doing things...now I'm just tired. Unless my car is down or something.

Well, back to my life!

Wandering in my thoughts

Still have not made a meeting. Feeling better at work. But still a bit stressed. I am doing my readings. Well, one anyway. Not really reading the rest of my devotionals.

I am grateful for:

My kids
My grand baby
My Man
My Deacon - my dog
My Car
My Job
My faith, though I feel I really have to work at it too - at this moment in my life.
The weather being cooler!!! I love it but rainy...boo hoo.
My Home

I don't really know what to write...I think I must really get back to my meetings cause I just don't know what to say here. Its like I just can't think of what I am actually working on. I am slowly trying to change old habits. I feel like I keep falling back into them over and over. I try, a little progress happens, a compliment comes and I fall straight back into the old ways suddenly!

Well off to bed, I can at least do that correctly for once!

Ciao!

Historic Week

I just am amazed by what I have seen this week. The first African-American to be the Presidential Candidate, and the first woman Vice Presidential Candidate! Okay, so not the first - I forgot about Ms Ferraro!!!! Still, I am so shocked and amazed at us(America)! And grateful! I didn't think I'd see either this soon in my life! I still think Hillary should be the VP, but it isn't over yet! I am in awe.

I ended up not taking on so much of the position that is leaving. It did seem impossible and I kept saying so. So now it was dumped on others. I feel pressure still, but it isn't so hard anymore. I feel like I can only do what I can do and they see that. I feel good about it but it always sits in my mind that they think I should do more. And it just doesn't happen. I don't know if its good or bad. Good for me, I'm not killing myself.

Tension due to work

I feel the tension again. My job wants me to take on new responsibilities since someone is leaving. I want the learning experience but I think it will be a lot of pressure...not sure what I want to do. Its made me a little scared...I am not understanding that part. I am worried I guess of being more responsible for the things they are asking me to do. Much of which I do partly but not fully in my current position.

What to do... what to do....

Just some thoughts

Well, I can sleep again much better now. When the little one isn't barking at anyone! He seemed more quiet when Timber was around. I don't recall him barking so much but, I could have just slept deeper at that time.

I still have not been back to my meetings on Fridays. I want to, but never feel like it. Though I am still posting to an online group. And reading but not too much. I am doing the daily reading of Courage to Change on a daily basis. Still seeing myself in there - a LOT! I am really not sure what to post today, just checking on my blog...somebody tagged me as SPAM for some reason. Or whatever happened. Anyway, I guess its okay, I am now on it so, I can access it again.

I was thinking about how I am late for work still. Or again actually. I still love my job. It is stressful, fast-paced, etc. I keep trying to change my early morning bad habits but I don't! As much as I plan for it to change things, it just doesn't happen. And I don't get it! I try going to bed earlier, then I feel groggy or bad the next morning. I get little sleep and most times I feel real good but I get tired after lunch. I don't know what to do. Maybe I need to keep praying.

I guess I'll try.

My Big Boy is gone

Last Sunday morning I lost my Alaskan Malamute of 12 years. It was very sad. And very unexpected. Just wanted to post a picture of him. He had a tumor and had become suddenly very sick. I'm really gonna miss him. The house seems empty. Bye Timber.

My Fourth

Hope everyone had a happy 4th!

Mine was pretty darn good this year. I hung out with my kids who had told their father (my ex) what we were going to do. So we all hung out together. Unfortunately, my bf didn't join us. I think he likes it more quiet. So he was missing but my energy was mostly focused on the grand baby and my ex's wife's baby. They made the whole night! Their reactions to all the fireworks was so cute. OOOOOs and Oh Man! All night long. The grand baby is 2 and the other is 3. They were so cute. I got some really crappy pictures of the fireworks display we watched. And a pretty good video. And I had a good time. We went out to eat after that and then ended our night.

It wasn't weird at all to hang out with them. My ex and his wife. No one seems to understand much how we even get along. But we do. I feel comfortable. I don't want to do it all the time or much really, but last night was fine. I'm sure something will come up sometime, but for now every thing is okay. This wife is the woman whom he cheated on me with - he ended up marrying her. You know it did bother me back then, but I still knew it wasn't meant for me to be with him. Even as we ended I knew it even then. So maybe that's why.

I did notice one thing, with all this stuff happening at my place, like a few things I'd need a handy man for, I always expect my ex to help - even still. I don't think that's good but I don't seem to want to trust anyone else in that area. I don't know anyone who does that kind of work that I can call. My bf doesn't seem to know all of what I need. Some stuff yes, but not all and what he had been able to help me with, he has. So I do feel uneasy about that within me. And especially now that I hear people are screwing over others who don't know in this carpentry and handyman area...I am even more jumpy and unwilling to call anyone else. I guess that was one area I never had a problem trusting my ex with. That he did well.

Today I am thankful for:
My kids
My grand baby
the relationship I can handle with my ex and his wife
My dogs
My God, who has allowed this to enhance my life instead of letting it tear me up inside
My program which has something to do with the above as well

Long time, no posts!

Geez! Its been a long time since I've posted anything new. My Pom never came back. I already have another dog who was not able to stay with my cousin. He's been through two now...one left with his son, and now they've moved and can't take the dog with them. So now he's mine. He is so playful! Its a Shitzu. Such a happy dog. I really like him. He is bigger than I wanted but is so good. He minds and has been house trained very well. I've not had a dog like that before. I've always had to work with them - a lot! Probably since I don't have much time at home anyway. It's always been work.

My grand baby was here today with my daughter. They spent time here while waiting for her car to be fixed. He is just so talkative now. He tries to say everything he hears. I wish I was more grandma-like. I feel like I should just be keeping him often, but I don't and I don't want to. I do visit them a bit. But I just love my free weekends even if I do nothing! Maybe that will change in the future. Well, enough for now...

Still haven't been to a meeting...well. Its been maybe three weeks! I do a daily posting of Courage to Change though for an online group I am a member of. Which I forgot to do today!!! So I played catch-up about an hour ago!

Feeling Better Today...

I'm finally feeling better. I physically feel better now than I have in the last couple of months. And I want to do stuff now. I think I need to keep up the exercise.

I recently lost my little Pom, she just took off when she was let out to go potty! Not like her. But she'd been acting a little crazy the last few weeks. Not wanting to come back inside. Spring Fever? Well, I just have a feeling she may be back. I hope so. I am currently watching my cousins dog while he is out of town. She's real cute but, bigger than I am used to. So I am having a bit of stress since I am not used to a dog who wants so much attention. Maybe we both are because I am gone most of the day. So she wants all my attention when I get home. My other dog is a Malamute and he's old. In good shape but, he doesn't like to play so much anymore. Its funny to see him get mad and check the little one, or scare her back into place.

Easter got here pretty fast I think. I won't see my grandbaby since he's with his dad this weekend. Wah. But I do see him often.

I have not been to a meeting since the end of January. A long time! I need to get back to them. I miss them both, but I need to get to one. And my Friday Al-Anon is the one I can make it to easily. Anyway, I will. Its next week in a new meeting place! It's gonna save us lots of money too!

Well, today I'm feeling better!

Another Loss

Unfortunately, my daughter lost her baby the 25th of February. It was a little girl. I am very sorry for her but I know she's glad to be out of the hospital. I have no idea how she feels after all that. She is keeping herself busy. Very busy. I am not sure she's been home overnight yet. She seems well, as well as can be expected...me too I guess.

Feeling Helpless

My daughter is still in the hospital and things seem to have come to a standstill. That's a good thing. At least the baby is hanging on. So many are praying for her. I am so sorry to see her this way and I wish I could do something to help her feel better. Just being there is all I can do. I can bring her stuff she wants too. I feel so helpless but very much in prayer for her too. Ups and downs in both her spirits and mine. I want to do whatever but I am power less....I guess not really...I can still pray and just be there for her and she loves that part. So let me stop all that.

I am thankful I can be there and my bf is supportive of me while I am gone for so long. I know it would be different with my ex even though it is his daughter. He is kinda not taking all this so well. I also feel like I am neglecting my new bf being up there all night after work. But he hasn't said anything and why I even feel that way I do not understand. So I figure its just my coda traits still trying to go to work on me. I think I can be there for everybody at all times! Who do I think I am? LOL!

Still pregnant!!!

Well, my birthday, bellybutton birthday just passed on the 11th. I was in the hospital with my daughter who is pregnant. She had another problem and we though, well even the doctors thought, that she was losing the baby. I am happy to say she is still pregnant but will be on bed rest until the baby comes. She is only at 5 months this week.

Poor thing she is one who hates, absolutely hates to be alone. And now she can't stand the hospital so its worse. She can't get out of the bed for anything. I've seen her daily and I am very tired. I have to shorten my visits and maybe go every other day or just make sure I get some rest!

We got our first bunch of H2A workers this past week so payroll is gonna be a bit more taxing on me too. But I do have permanent help I think! Yeah! Okay, enough for now. I am tired and still not done with stuff for tomorrow!

Working on me this week!

Well, this week was a struggle for me to get myself back on track to taking care of me! I forced myself to leave the office at 5:30 unless I absolutely had to get certain things done. For me, that is only two days a week. I have been staying nearly everyday! Needlessly! Work is never done and now we are shorthanded! One jumped ship and we need help again in an area that is very involved. Well, all our jobs are involved! ALL of THEM!!! So we are all helping in that area as well!

My daughter (oldest) just turned 23 this week and she is pregnant. She had a problem this week and it seemed it was not going to turn out good. But so far, so good. Dr said she was okay as far as he could tell. She had a previous miscarriage, so we are really antsy when she has any complaints or problems and this one seemed very bad. Praying that it will all be okay though!

I finally made it back to my meeting and it was good, its always good! I did share about a thing about me finally stopping working so long and not going home on time. And I was very surprised that it was a struggle for me to do it! It really was! I also went to a Spanish class on Wednesday. I was placed in an Advanced Spanish class and I actually could follow the entirely Spanish conversation. Mostly, not totally! But a lot more than I thought! That was very encouraging to me. I've said I was not good at speaking Spanish, I do stumble over my words a lot but still try. This experience gave me lots of confidence to keep working on it! So I think I will!

Rambling

I miss blogging, reading, and being read as much as I used to do it. I am so busy I am tired when I get home and don't want to blog. I should be at my meeting too. Maybe I'll go.

Year-end mania!!!

OMG! I thought I worked alot when I mentioned it in a couple of posts ago. No! Year-end is here and DAMN am I working hard! Every night was late. One extra late again and then...our computers died! No I mean our network went haywire. Besides needing a software upgrade for year end. Which I guess can only be done at year-end, the network or servers flipped out and the whole company was paralyzed! And since we do our payroll in house, we could not do it on the normal schedule. So it was all completely processed on Friday!!! That wasn't as bad as it seemed - but I had lots of help - three of us working on it all day long. Geez!!! It did get done! Very late but done!!! Everybody got paid!!!

I still love my job! And I thank God for it!