Well, it seems life is at it again. My daughter's lives are going wacko again. One day its the oldest having trouble, the next day its the youngest. Boy, I feel I set a horrible example of how to accept so much unacceptable shit from a man(addict) and continue to survive. But how much of it am I to blame for as far as it pertains to their lives? I feel from things the kids and some family members have said it is my fault they are going thru these things. Although I know I did set the example, and a very bad one at that, they do have their own minds, right? They do see me handling things very differently than before. Its not like they don't know right from wrong and they can make their own decisions. I know they need to follow their own path, even if it is very similar to my own. But my path was not the same as my mother's. She set an example very different from what I have displayed to my girls. It was actually very normal, or what most of us perceive to be normal. No drama, drinking, drugging, or fighting, arguing yes, but no fighting. So why my example was so different I think was due to my own rebellious reasons. Can anyone help me out here? Any ESH to share on how much a part of their lives am I really to blame for? How am I to defend myself? And maybe I just need to forgive myself...
It is so hard to stay out of my children's drama filled life! So hard! I want to see them do better than me but they have nuttier men than their own father!!!! One called her father to help her with the situation, and thank God! I wouldn't have handled it the way he did but, he did excellent. He is in the program too with AA, or NA, and it seems he really is trying to work the program. Anyway, myself and my daughters were all very upset by the fact that he talked to him and gave him a ride home. He feels it is better to try to calm him down than just beat him down! So we were not happy! LOL We really weren't! Anyway it is horrendously hard to stay out of it. I want to take action and know I shouldn't but keep trying to get into the situation. I must of prayed for the Lord to keep me right, because I can't seem to get anywhere near it anymore. LOL! I do think that is it!
The week ended on a quiet note and tho I did lots of calling people this week, it was very hard to find someone to talk to. I assumed that meant I was to trust in God and lean on him for support. I did talk to one person who called me back and she had some ESH for me. I think too just talking about it makes me all the more able to deal with it.
I attended my 20 year high school reunion this past weekend too. I so didn't want to go. The usual stuff, not being where I feel I should be (even though I say I know I am where I should be as far as God's will for my life), not making enough money as I should (this too is according to others), and possibly not looking as great as I'd like (this is totally me, I've become so vain since I started Al-Anon for some reason). But all this I do realize is just the outside, not the real me, inside I am happy, content, assured that God is leading and guiding (finally!), and that I am exactly where I should be at this point in my life. So even though I was kinda reserved about my life right now, I had a good time. I am glad I went, it was good to see everyone again. I didn't go to the 10 year so I hadn't seen anyone except my two best friends since high school. I did get lots of compliments. I enjoyed that very much. I've not been called gorgeous in who knows how long, if ever. I have been working on it too. Trying to get into good shape and lose my belly that's stayed with me for years! Since my first child! It ended all too soon for me, I didn't get to visit with lots of people I intended to visit with and wanted to, but maybe emails will suffice for now.
I missed blogging too, my busy two weeks seems to have me scrambling for time to get back to blogging. I missed reading too. It will be good to catch up. Did I mention I went to the MO State AA Convention in Jeff City? That was one weekend and the next was my class reunion. The week prior I was still helping my child get settled into her new apartment. So time to get back to meetings and blogging and finishing my fourth step!
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Thursday, July 13, 2006
A nite out and ex issues
I have just been exhausted this past few days. My intention was to blog on Sunday but that didn't happen. I do miss it. I had some journaling to do though. And recuperating from a Saturday night out. I did a late night thing again and had a little more than my limit in alcohol and it seems like it has taken me a while to get my head together again. At least no hangovers or headaches. But I sure needed, and still do, tons of rest that seems to be eluding me!
Anyway, my ex and I have really slowed down our conversations and done so as a mutual agreement. If you recall, I was all hot and bothered a while back and my conversations with my ex, although they were mostly concerning recovery issues, really needed to end. I felt tempted but not due to his girlfriend(who isn't around), but knew he was and I think I really enjoyed toying with him even though I knew it was wrong. I really did it for selfish reasons, totally selfish reasons which made me feel very empowered but I know it is still wrong - or maybe manipulation? Wow! That just hit me as I was writing this. I think we both saw the direction we were headed and he kept pushing but was very sorry later. He felt extremely guilty and then started to blame me for it! And this was face to face. Anyway, the distance has cooled our jets! I hope we both stay this way. I have ceased to ask for his help and hope I can find someone else to do those things I've always entrusted to him. Maintenance on my car, house, yard, etc. He should not be my absolutely last resort! We are better friends now than when we were together but it has to stay at very little contact for a while. This actually feels very freeing! Its a new way of handling us. We do look at each other very differently than before.
Anyway, my ex and I have really slowed down our conversations and done so as a mutual agreement. If you recall, I was all hot and bothered a while back and my conversations with my ex, although they were mostly concerning recovery issues, really needed to end. I felt tempted but not due to his girlfriend(who isn't around), but knew he was and I think I really enjoyed toying with him even though I knew it was wrong. I really did it for selfish reasons, totally selfish reasons which made me feel very empowered but I know it is still wrong - or maybe manipulation? Wow! That just hit me as I was writing this. I think we both saw the direction we were headed and he kept pushing but was very sorry later. He felt extremely guilty and then started to blame me for it! And this was face to face. Anyway, the distance has cooled our jets! I hope we both stay this way. I have ceased to ask for his help and hope I can find someone else to do those things I've always entrusted to him. Maintenance on my car, house, yard, etc. He should not be my absolutely last resort! We are better friends now than when we were together but it has to stay at very little contact for a while. This actually feels very freeing! Its a new way of handling us. We do look at each other very differently than before.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
My child is leaving the nest - sounds like more acceptance work
Just in the past week, my daughter had another run in with her ex, she was awaiting word on an apartment she was trying to get, and then she got it, and then she moved out! All along saying he was not going to be around, and then he was! On moving day, her father was there too! Not good, he was highly upset by his presence and immediately called his sponsor to ask for help with this anger. I immediately felt his anger too. I have already been through this anger part concerning my daughter and her hectic life with her ex(I no longer think he is an ex anymore), and I knew exactly how he would feel! He asked me what to do too. As much as I wanted to tell him to please get in his ass about his treatment of our daughter, I knew it was not right to say that - its controlling and he won't accept it anyway. The program does not teach me to be like that. So I started to say what I wanted him to do but kept stopping myself from actually saying it. I knew what his sponsor would say too! And he said do nothing, she is allowing it by inviting him back in. And we both see that is exactly what is going on. So we both needed to accept what was happening and give it to God, letting it go. And praying for God's protection over her and the grand baby. And the day went well. Everyone got along well. I was very surprised.
I do keep having to work on this almost daily, I wish she would do what needs to be done, but it is up to her, not me. I am powerless! One good thing, she is questioning her actions and is wanting to go to a support group of some kind to see what it is about. So I told her I would go with her to whatever group she was interested in attending. Saying it was a good idea. I hope she does follow up on that. I do see God beginning His work in her, and His prodding me to leave it up to Him.
My weekend was spent getting her packed and moving her and seeing to it that she had the basic necessities she needed. Actually fun but tiring! I had my cry looking at her empty room and missing the grandbaby cooing and crying! Missing him so much already and worrying but working on letting go of the fears I have concerning her ex knowing where she lives - very much alone. She does have a long time friend living in the same apartment complex too. That makes me feel better. She's not totally alone. Many opportunities are opening up rather quickly too, where she can easily take care of herself and her baby. Wow, God is so good.
I do actually like the peace and quiet in the house now and the chance to rearrange my furniture and change things around the house. It has kept me busy! I thank God for the new changes, new opportunities, peace and serenity in my home. I can relax and really truly relax in my own home. It hasn't been this way in such a long time. I can study my recovery materials in any part of my home in peace now. Wow! A new season in my life once again. My fourth step is almost done. I am three quarters of the way through it. I am learning so much about me and my current position in my life. I like me with all my strengths and weaknesses. I am happy to be me and happy with my life today. I am progressing, becoming happier by the day! And God is doing His thing in my life and in those around me!
Today I am so grateful to put my trust where it belongs, in God. And be able to leave it there trusting he will take care of it -- He knows best!
I do keep having to work on this almost daily, I wish she would do what needs to be done, but it is up to her, not me. I am powerless! One good thing, she is questioning her actions and is wanting to go to a support group of some kind to see what it is about. So I told her I would go with her to whatever group she was interested in attending. Saying it was a good idea. I hope she does follow up on that. I do see God beginning His work in her, and His prodding me to leave it up to Him.
My weekend was spent getting her packed and moving her and seeing to it that she had the basic necessities she needed. Actually fun but tiring! I had my cry looking at her empty room and missing the grandbaby cooing and crying! Missing him so much already and worrying but working on letting go of the fears I have concerning her ex knowing where she lives - very much alone. She does have a long time friend living in the same apartment complex too. That makes me feel better. She's not totally alone. Many opportunities are opening up rather quickly too, where she can easily take care of herself and her baby. Wow, God is so good.
I do actually like the peace and quiet in the house now and the chance to rearrange my furniture and change things around the house. It has kept me busy! I thank God for the new changes, new opportunities, peace and serenity in my home. I can relax and really truly relax in my own home. It hasn't been this way in such a long time. I can study my recovery materials in any part of my home in peace now. Wow! A new season in my life once again. My fourth step is almost done. I am three quarters of the way through it. I am learning so much about me and my current position in my life. I like me with all my strengths and weaknesses. I am happy to be me and happy with my life today. I am progressing, becoming happier by the day! And God is doing His thing in my life and in those around me!
Today I am so grateful to put my trust where it belongs, in God. And be able to leave it there trusting he will take care of it -- He knows best!
My child is leaving the nest - sounds like more acceptance work
Just in the past week, my daughter had another run in with her ex, she was awaiting word on an apartment she was trying to get, and then she got it, and then she moved out! Saying he was not going to be around, and then he was! And her father was there too! Not good, he was highly upset by his presence and immediately called his sponsor to ask for help with this anger. I immediately felt his anger too. I have already been through this part concerning my daughter and her hectic life with her ex(I no longer think he is an ex anymore), and I knew exactly how he would feel! He asked me what to do too. As much as I wanted to tell him to please get in his ass about his treatment of our daughter, I knew it was not right to say that. The program does not teach me to be like that. So I started to say what I wanted him to do but kept stopping myself from actually saying it. I knew what his sponsor would say too! And he said do nothing, she is allowing it by inviting him back in. And we both see that is exactly what is going on. So we both needed to accept what was happening and give it to God, letting it go. And praying for God's protection over her and the grand baby. And the day went well. Everyone got along well.
I do keep having to work on this almost daily, I wish she would do what needs to be done, but it is up to her, not me. I am powerless! One good thing, she is questioning her actions and is wanting to go to a support group of some kind to see what it is about. So I told her I would go with her to whatever group she was interested in attending. Saying it was a good idea. I hope she does follow up on that. I do see God beginning His work in her.
My weekend was spent getting her packed and moving her and seeing to it that she had the basic necessities she needed. Actually fun but tiring! I had my cry looking at her empty room and missing the grandbaby cooing and crying! Missing him so much already and worrying but letting go of the fears I have concerning her ex knowing where she lives - very much alone. She does have a long time friend living in the same apartment complex too. That makes me feel better. She's not totally alone. Many opportunities are opening up rather quickly too, where she can easily take care of herself and her baby. Wow, God is so good.
I do actually like the peace and quiet in the house now and the chance to rearrange my furniture and change things around the house. It has kept me busy! I thank God for the new changes, new opportunities, peace and serenity in my home. I can relax and really truly relax in my own home. It hasn't been this way in such a long time. I can study my recovery materials in any part of my home in peace now. Wow! A new season in my life once again. My fourth step is almost done. I am three quarters of the way through it. I am learning so much about me and my current position in my life. I like me with all my strengths and weaknesses. I am happy to be me and happy with my life today. I am progressing, becoming happier by the day! And God is doing His thing in my life and in those around me!
Today I am so grateful to put my trust where it belongs, in God. And be able to leave it there trusting he will take care of it -- He knows best!
I do keep having to work on this almost daily, I wish she would do what needs to be done, but it is up to her, not me. I am powerless! One good thing, she is questioning her actions and is wanting to go to a support group of some kind to see what it is about. So I told her I would go with her to whatever group she was interested in attending. Saying it was a good idea. I hope she does follow up on that. I do see God beginning His work in her.
My weekend was spent getting her packed and moving her and seeing to it that she had the basic necessities she needed. Actually fun but tiring! I had my cry looking at her empty room and missing the grandbaby cooing and crying! Missing him so much already and worrying but letting go of the fears I have concerning her ex knowing where she lives - very much alone. She does have a long time friend living in the same apartment complex too. That makes me feel better. She's not totally alone. Many opportunities are opening up rather quickly too, where she can easily take care of herself and her baby. Wow, God is so good.
I do actually like the peace and quiet in the house now and the chance to rearrange my furniture and change things around the house. It has kept me busy! I thank God for the new changes, new opportunities, peace and serenity in my home. I can relax and really truly relax in my own home. It hasn't been this way in such a long time. I can study my recovery materials in any part of my home in peace now. Wow! A new season in my life once again. My fourth step is almost done. I am three quarters of the way through it. I am learning so much about me and my current position in my life. I like me with all my strengths and weaknesses. I am happy to be me and happy with my life today. I am progressing, becoming happier by the day! And God is doing His thing in my life and in those around me!
Today I am so grateful to put my trust where it belongs, in God. And be able to leave it there trusting he will take care of it -- He knows best!
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