Sunday, December 24, 2006

Playing Catch Up!

Well, I'm back! Thanks for the notes from you all to say "Hi! what's up?" I appreciate it! I had no idea I hadn't blogged in so long. I met a new guy and I think we've been on the phone nightly since I handed over my number. That's been a few weeks now. Things have been crazy at work too, I think worse, but I also think I am making it harder on me by thinking about it so much while I am at work, and that does make me crazy at times. I don't think they want me there anymore and they seem to be very picky about everything I do. But my job is getting done and done very well, so that is confusing to me! Why when I do so well, are they starting to nag me on everything? I have to be perfect it seems now. True, I was not the ideal employee even up to a few months ago. I have been sick more often this year than in the past TEN! But that amounts to 8 days! Too much for the company. But I am still doing what I am supposed to do and doing it way better than before!

Anyway, I think they want me gone for whatever reason. I have accepted that too. Hell, I've been wanting out anyway! I don't see much in the way of opportunity there for me at all. And no respect for my position either. Normally, they would have a lot of turnover in this position. Until a CodA took the job!!! LOL! So I need to step up my searching and move on. I didn't get the last one I was sure I was going to get. But it didn't feel like it anyway. All went well, but just didn't feel comfortable or like a good fit. I pray I find something I like doing and pays me well. This one does neither! That's my New Year's Wish, or should I say goal.

Now the new guy... He's very laid back, not a dancer(hmmm, I don't' know about this part!), doesn't really do much(not that it is a bad thing), and loves to go to the movies! He is on a budget, and made that known immediately, he has an eleven year old daughter. I thought that was funny about the budget! But hey, so am I, so am I! He's very nice to me, doesn't even hint (so far) at anything out of line or off limits, unless I started it! And now that I think about it, I did! I opened a door I didn't mean to yet, but he hasn't kept it open. I think he is actually a bit shy, and I am not. I kinda like that, its not been like that with others except the other guy who kept wanting to see me! Then he kinda came out of that shell and asked for stuff I had no intention of beginning to give! So that fizzled out after the NO. This guy seems pretty direct even though he is shy! Well, this one feels very different. I hope he is. I hope I handle him well. I don't think that sounded right! LOL! Anyway, I have a feeling I will be learning a lot in this next relationship. Well, dating relationship. I am not sure I am ready for a boyfriend yet. But this one is a nice start! Maybe I can catch up reading tonight!

Today I am grateful for my program:
I was in a very different place at this time last year. Acceptance is wonderful...
My new friends in the program are great! We share such common bonds and I miss you guys when I do not hear from you or see you. I do check in to read though!
I miss my friends I haven't seen or heard from a while, hope you are having a good Christmas season!
Today I am thankful for my recovery!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Pondering Acceptance

I was just thinking about how far I've come from last year at the time of my break-up. I have quite a ways to go yet, and I am only at the beginning but, I've come a long way in a short time. I was considering the fact that with all that has happened, I am still greatful and still enjoying the journey my life is now taking.

Just last night, I attended a concert of a family member here in town. My ex was there and his girlfriend. In the previous month before the concert, he would call me and if we talked about the upcoming concert, he reminded me that his girlfriend would be attending and we could not talk to each other in her presence. His exact words were, "Act as if you do not know me". Excuse me? I took it to mean don't speak. He even told this to the kids - our kids! Of course, they did not like it at all, what, now he can't talk to his own children? Ridiculous! Anyway, he didn't get that direct until the day before the concert. So up until then I thought he was joking. Anyway, Sunday morning he calls and asks me my opinion concerning his request of us. So I told him I thought it was ridiculous. Well, a Hello is okay, but nothing more. Still ridiculous. I am always civil with her and never show her any attitude - I accept her purpose in my life and in his actually. I know I am where I should be and he is too. So being face to face with her is no longer hard for me. If it gets a little physical between them I still have trouble, but I don't tend to chat long enough for that to happen around me. And she does try to show her territory - but she doesn't know that she really doesn't need to. But that's her insecurity - and his I guess. He's told me I did not show enough jealously over him.

Anyway, I was more nervous than previous times running into them. I had a pimple! It is the chocolate season! And my body (face!) doesn't handle it well if I over indulge - and I did over the Thanksgiving weekend and it still is healing now! I wasn't dressed as nicely as they were, and before they showed up I didn't care! I was sitting with his family and they love and adore the girls and I to no end! They came in late, sat away from everyone, and not once did she seem happy. But I didn't see that, I saw how she was dressed. Dressed up and me in tennis shoes, a nice sweater, but in tennis shoes and a break out still healing on my face! All outside stuff. All vanity. The whole time, the girls and I, along with his family, were laughing, talking, yelling at the stage, cracking jokes on each other and discussing business at times, and just having a good time. A smile on my face all evening. It was odd and I hoped we wouldn't come face to face, but we did. Hellos were exchanged and he did talk with the girls. She was silent and actually so was I, just waiting for them to finish. It was odd. But at that time I could really see her face and how seemingly uncomfortable or unhappy she was. Meanwhile, his family is coming up to me and the girls, greeting us, hugging us, kissing us, talking with us, all kinds of affection and recognition being shown to us. Normal stuff. That is when I finally stopped tripping off how I looked which was not bad, just casual. He even seemed uncomfortable. I actually felt sad for her.

I was comfortable. It just fell off me instantly. I have accepted our situations, I am happy with just me and my girls, mostly happy with the me I've discovered. And, did I mention I was happy? No, all is not well in my life. I have found that I caused a lot of my own problems - imagine that! But I am still happy and grateful for my current position. And I think it shows!

Earlier at church on Sunday, I was attending the last session of a class I love. The book we went through talks about dealing with offenses and how God wants us to deal with them. Kind of "turning the other cheek" mentality. And it isn't as I may make it sound. Not letting people run over you, but learning to let things go we can't control (sound familiar?). It was an excellent book. Not taking things personally. Living in truth and speaking the truth in love when needed. It has taught me to deal more effectively with offenses against me and while going through it, I was tested on the matter a few times! With increasing intensity from test to test. Not easy and not always handling things well or correctly. But with baby steps or leaps and bounds, I did get through with a lot of hard work. I feel like I work at applying the program and this book just spoke on the very specific area of offenses. It was a great help. It took acceptance to a very specific area of my life and one which many of us tend to just give up on when it comes to dealing with others. We get offended and start to write them off as purposefully trying to hurt us. And most times it has nothing to do with us at all!

It's not about you, its about me. And I am not God.

Today, I am as happy as I allow myself to be!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Sick Daze

Sick again! I got the sickness that is being passed around the family finally. I think the alcohol I had the day before Thanksgiving is what kept it away for a while. Then I saw the G-baby Tuesday and was sick the next day. He was still sick and I didn't know it. Of course I was all over him! I can't stand being sick but I like the fact that I got to stay home a couple days. But it was so uncomfortable and boring. I discovered some things about me in the process.

I still, even though I was sick, tried to figure out a way, for my daughter with grandbaby, to get him to his doctor's appointment today!!! Me sick, barely able to make it to the bathroom without stumbling, was still worried about her getting what she needed done! My two girls really don't communicate very well sometimes and I see that in myself and my family members. I finally realized what I was doing and stopped myself! Of course their father for some reason just cannot help them recently. I just don't get that. Here in the Midwest, we've been iced over and then snowed on a little bit. Our area didn't get hit too hard but we did get both still. My oldest daughter's car was not buried but it did get frozen shut. And me being sick, (not that if I was well would I have prepared for it any sooner) did not get any ice melt so our driveway was, and still is, a sheet of ice. Then snow covered that. Wednesday we got the ice, Thursday we got snow. So she was stuck and was supposed to take my youngest to the doctor appointment on today. So for whatever reason, he would not come dig her out - I chose not to argue, he has his reasons I suppose. And my oldest doesn't really act on her own half the time. So my youngest still didn't have a ride as far as it seemed.

I left it alone finally, but not until I suggested how to find herself a ride. Of course, the word spread that I was not going to give her a ride or let them use my car (which is horrible in the snow-rear wheel drive) and I was really sick, I couldn't do anything. So my ex calls, wants to know what the deal is and then I just explain. M is stuck in the driveway, I can't help, she needs help or the other needs a ride. So then he offered the youngest a ride. Do you know how relieved I was? I think you may! LOL! Still trying to work stuff out for others but sick as I don't know what! Achy all over and stomach cramping and all that going on.

I also took a personality test, it actually described me almost to the tee! Except that I am in recovery now, so some of those traits are actually already changed or changing! But mainly still described me as a Giver. So funny, I never really believed those things like that. I did take a step to meeting someone new today. I invited a new male aquaintence (who may be interested in dating me) and his daughter to the annual Christmas play at my church. He accepted with out hesitation. I don't know why I am nervous about it. I guess that is my norm. But it should be a nice evening.

Today I am thankful for:
Two days off even though they were miserable.
The rest I caught up on or needed.
My program.
Friends in the program I have been bugging due to me being bored. And they just take it.
Or they bear it! LOL
An outlet like this to rant on! To get it all out! Phew!
Sick again! I got the sickness that is being passed around the family finally. I think the alcohol I had the day before Thanksgiving is what kept it away for a while. Then I saw the G-baby Tuesday and was sick the next day. He was still sick and I didn't know it. Of course I was all over him! I can't stand being sick but I like the fact that I got to stay home a couple days. But it was so uncomfortable and boring. I discovered some things about me in the process.

I still, even though I was sick, tried to figure out a way, for my daughter with grandbaby, to get him to his doctor's appointment today!!! Me sick, barely able to make it to the bathroom without stumbling, was still worried about her getting what she needed done! My two girls really don't communicate very well sometimes and I see that in myself and my family members. I finally realized what I was doing and stopped myself! Of course their father for some reason just cannot help them recently. I just don't get that. Here in the Midwest, we've been iced over and then snowed on a little bit. Our area didn't get hit too hard but we did get both still. My oldest daughter's car was not buried but it did get frozen shut. And me being sick, (not that if I was well would I have prepared for it any sooner) did not get any ice melt so our driveway was, and still is, a sheet of ice. Then snow covered that. Wednesday we got the ice, Thursday we got snow. So she was stuck and was supposed to take my youngest to the doctor appointment on today. So for whatever reason, he would not come dig her out - I chose not to argue, he has his reasons I suppose. And my oldest doesn't really act on her own half the time. So my youngest still didn't have a ride as far as it seemed.

I left it alone finally, but not until I suggested how to find herself a ride. Of course, the word spread that I was not going to give her a ride or let them use my car (which is horrible in the snow-rear wheel drive) and I was really sick, I couldn't do anything. So my ex calls, wants to know what the deal is and then I just explain. M is stuck in the driveway, I can't help, she needs help or the other needs a ride. So then he offered the youngest a ride. Do you know how relieved I was? I think you may! LOL! Still trying to work stuff out for others but sick as I don't know what! Achy all over and stomach cramping and all that going on.

I also took a personality test, it actually described me almost to the tee! Except that I am in recovery now, so some of those traits are actually already changed or changing! But mainly still described me as a Giver. So funny, I never really believed those things like that. I did take a step to meeting someone new today. I invited a new male aquaintence (who may be interested in dating me) and his daughter to the annual Christmas play at my church. He accepted with out hesitation. I don't know why I am nervous about it. I guess that is my norm. But it should be a nice evening.

Today I am thankful for:
Two days off even though they were miserable.
The rest I caught up on or needed.
My program.
Friends in the program I have been bugging due to me being bored. And they just take it.
Or they bear it! LOL
An outlet like this to rant on! To get it all out! Phew!

Monday, November 27, 2006

Fessin' Up

Thank you all for your words about the loss of my cousin, thank you so much.

Sunday was pretty nice. It was quiet, calm, and church was good. And it was the last day of the long weekend. Man, today wasn't bad but it didn't go well for hardly anyone at work today. I guess no one wanted to be back today. LOL. I know I didn't!

You know, Sunday my ex showed up in church at the same service the girls and I were in. He started texting me to find out if we were there. I told him we were and then he came to join us. It didn't bother me at first, but then he kept just staring at me across the kids. I told him to behave because I know the look he gave me. And I always got it in church. Well, we all went to breakfast and then we talked a little bit before he took the kids home and I went on back to church. My class starts almost an hour after the first service. We (class) eat before the class usually.

This was a nice visit considering the way I felt he was taunting me at the funeral while we were eating. Thank goodness I was able to turn away from him at that time and stop listening. He really pissed me off Saturday. Then he came to explain why he did what he did that day. He wouldn't help me for some reason and it was his girlfriend. She keeps him paranoid I guess even though he isn't doing anything wrong - as far as it goes with me anyway! But Sunday made me want his attention, not him back, just his attention again. And in that short time! I felt uneasy and he's been on my mind. Probably due to no significant other right now. But I can handle it. I know I am exactly where I should be today. And that is with no one right now. Just God, me and my girls. Okay, and my dogs. But for once it felt uneasy and it still does, guess I need to give it to God since I haven't yet! I am glad we have a good relationship between us. And it is funny to see my girls defend me when he says something stupid or out of line. They threaten to tell his girlfriend! And they knew about Saturday and mentioned that. Too funny! Well, just wanted to fess up and maybe now I can leave it alone. Its out and I can give it away. Fess up and get rid of its hold on me! Good Night!

Friday, November 24, 2006

From Hectic to Calm

It's good to be back! I've just been so busy! Many things have happened. I did lose another family member, a cousin on my ex's side. She was very young, 23 or 24, and just had a baby. The baby was only two days old and my cousin passed away from an aneurysm (spelling?). She only had a younger brother and sister left, her mother passed away from terminal cancer two years ago this month, and her father had been shot when she was very young quite a few years ago. So there is very little left of their family. I hope my young cousins will be okay. I can't imagine it, I just can't! I will be going to the funeral in the morning.

More stuff with my youngest daughter, a little friction with my oldest, a little with my family, and a lotta stuff going on at my job that I can't stand much more of. And you know what? It makes me thankful for the program, that even though, I may not let things go immediately, I can still do it eventually. And sooner than I think if I do not give up and let my anger take over. I did kinda blow up at my oldest, but I do realize why. I just held it in for too long and the minute a situation presented itself, there I went. But I didn't feel bad afterwards, I felt good. I know she needed to hear some of it, not exactly the way I did it, but it still needed to be said.

But today I am still grateful. I am not perfect. I do not get it right most of the time, but I am still working and applying my program today. And I know it will take time for me to change all I need to change and I want to change. There was a time when I wouldn't change, accept that maybe I was wrong or not accepting the facts, and I wouldn't do what needed to be done. There is so much work to be done with me and this first year and a half is only the beginning. I am still pretty hard-headed at times or slow to change, but I want to make changes. I am taking my baby steps to get there. I am also very fearful, of what exactly, I don't yet understand. In time I will if I need to know I guess. It will be revealed.

Unfortunately, when I did blow up, my sister was there and she was not used to seeing this in me, I guess it freaked her out a little. I don't know what to think about that one. Anyway, all is well right now. Things seem to be trying to quiet down again. I went to my Friday meeting and it was a good one. So good to be back.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Call of Duty

Today was a tough one. My favorite cousin was deployed to Afghanistan today. I went to see him off and to drive his wife and kids (whom I adore and love) back home from the ceremony. I felt so unprepared for the reaction of his wife at the end of the ceremony. She told me earlier that she had been crying all week. She was angry at him, at the Army for his needing to go. She didn't want to cry. I kept telling her it was okay. That is normal, hell I wanted to cry. It just became reality today. It didn't hit me until today. She will be here while he is gone, and they have a large family. He has seven kids. One is hers and the rest are from a previous marriage and girlfriend. She will have to deal with all that and the fact that he is gone for 18 months. Overseas, she can't drive, the kids are Teens, pre-teens and a four year old! She is preparing to drive though, practicing.

She fell into my arms and cried very hard for a few minutes. She didn't want to go over to him at the end. I gently walked her over to him so she could hug him good-bye. She was a mess and me without Kleenex! Today of all days I forget the Kleenex and my camera! I did get some cell shots of the family and him and her. It really was so moving, I had to stop listening to the speeches given. Even the high-ranking officers doing the talking were choking up! If those men had cried, I would have lost it! Its a thing I have, if a man cries I lose it!

After the bus was loaded she immediately wanted to leave. She didn't want to see the bus go. So I complied, and we left. We talked about her feelings, she vented some more, and we talked about grief. She just lost her brother on Halloween and they rushed to Louisiana to the funeral. She was never told he was sick. So she's quite angry that she didn't get a chance to say good-bye. Her brother died of a heart attack, but had been sick for a while before, but her family didn't contact her. He was only 32! She just turned 30 this year. She has one younger brother left. Her mom and dad are still alive. Well, my Grief Share classes have placed me in the position to help answer her questions. I was able to do that tonight. She seemed comforted by what knowledge I did have on the subject. I felt so helpless in the ceremony, not knowing what to say and then falling apart when she did too. I didn't fall apart as I normally do. I did hold my self together enough I think. She just cut loose. And I held her while she did so. I had no words for her, except that she'll be okay, he'd be okay. And to please call and lean on God for everything. And call me whenever she needs. To vent, if I can help her, I will, whatever. Any time she wants to call please do so. So when she asked me about grief, I felt so good to at least be able to offer her some comfort there about her feelings.

And I got to sort of 'witness' for Al-Anon too. My Aunt asked me about the Friday meetings I go to. She is an Adult child as well and then her husband was an alcoholic too. He's been sober many years now. She really noticed how I am faithful to attend the meetings and asked me if I felt they helped me. So there I went! I went on about how the meetings help me get better and help me understand why I am the way I am. And how they've helped me to change my life. I told her the topic we discussed last night(11th step) and how it has helped me get closer to God. She was pretty interested so I invited her to go with me anytime if she wanted. Just to call me. That was a fun part of the day too! I felt so good to be able to do that too.

I pray that my cousin stays safe and comes back to us safely.
I pray that God's protection surrounds them and the other troops out there daily.
I trust God will protect him while he is away from his family.
I thank God for the opportunity to share what I know from Al-Anon and Grief Share to help someone else.
I thank God for my program that keeps me grounded and in a much better place mentally than I was at this time last year.
I thank God for my growth in the program, and pray for my continued growth.
I thank God for the opportunity to blog about it all here whenever I need.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Stinkin' Thinkin'?

I made it through the annual review. My bosses ideas and new schedule have actually worked. Imagine that. I am actually improving! Another good thing. I did mention this to my friend at work who I am accused of spending too much time talking to on the computer. And this was one thing I knew could not be so in the review, because her and I have stopped talking as much as we used to. We kinda had a thing, a spat, a little bit ago, and I did actually stop sharing so much with her. It seemed like I shouldn't do it anymore. I don't know if I mentioned it on here or not. But she kinda threw it back at me and that was twice and I became a little more reserved about how much I share with her now. So I know it isn't slowing me down at work. My boss sees me using that program and thinks it is always her I am talking to and its really not! I do more communicating with all the branches now. Among others in the company and not for chit chat, its for work. As a matter of fact, I am keeping track of my communication with her myself just as a self-check now.

I feel good about me but tonight I saw my ex. He came by to say hello. Showing off a new outfit. I felt sad and I guess I showed it too. I didn't really know why until he left. I feel like my finances are so tight and I haven't tried to find another job to compensate or to just change jobs to make a difference. And here he comes talking about his new outfit. He just keeps getting new things and I feel like I'm struggling just to make ends meet. If I do spend frivolously, it will hurt me. My car is going downhill. That's another reason to change jobs. The bus doesn't go where I need to go for work. Not to my current job anyway. But my boss is willing to give me a ride if I need it. Amazing. Of course, he is not the owner of his own home, doesn't have utility bills to pay, he does keep a vehicle and it is costing him quite a lot more than my own to maintain, etc, etc. I have a home, car, kids, animals, utilities, cell phones, Internet, telephone, medical insurance for me and the girls, paying student loans, paying off old debts, I have it all really. All I need(and luxuries). Just a little tight on cash and I am finally wanting to do something about it! I want to be where I was financially when he was messing up his money and it didn't matter quite as much because I made enough to handle it all and then had extra after saving. It really hurt but we could make it. I want to be able to make that kind of money again. I want it bad, I want all my debt paid off and mine isn't as great as the normal debt now a days! Mine is pretty small except for student loans really.

Well, I go to church tonight and God reinforces what I have been pondering. Can I live as He wants me to live? Of course I can with His help. In His power, but I keep thinking -- "I" can' t do it. "I" am getting tired. When is it going to be "My" turn to take it easy?! God is talking to me a lot. He is telling me how He is going to bless me. I need to keep working my program, it takes work, but it works if I work it. And I know it works! This program and my new life is an entire lifestyle change, it won't happen over night and I've been doing it wrong since high school! And now I am a grandma(young! Only 38 yrs old!!!!)! I will pray for His strength to carry me through and keep reading, writing, blogging. And work as if I am working for God and not man. And then do something about my situation, because I can, but only with His help. Making sure to consult with Him, trust Him, Give it to Him, Ask Him for it, Even beg Him for it if need be then accept His direction! And I found I am quite hard headed. I still want my way, I am able to change, but certain parts of me I have to really work at to accomplish the changes needed and finances happens to be one area I feel I need to control. There goes that "I" again!

I watched the baby tonight. My daughter stressed out I guess and my oldest had the baby while I was at church. So when I got home the little bundle of joy was at my house! I just laid on my bed with him crawling all over it and exploring. No fuss, no crying. Fed him and he passed out! He was easy tonight. Thank you God for my grandbaby! I saw him and forgot all that was troubling me tonight. He just has that effect on me.

I am grateful for:
My program.
My God who has helped me to be more welcome to change in my life, even if I am hard headed and He has to knock me around a lot to get my attention.
My G-Baby!
My dogs...Lady and Timber.
My recovery books, devotionals, friends, etc.
The fellowships encouraging words I keep getting...Thank you all so much, I need to hear those things!
My job...Really!
My future job!
That my car is still running! It is still getting me there.
My Sponsor, whom I just do not talk to enough. I call once a week. And you know, this week I haven't talked to her! Oh my!
My new found daily time with God, praying, talking, or reading His word.

Geez! Do I feel better! Good Night!

Friday, November 03, 2006

My Annual Review

Boy, boy, boy! What a program does for me! Today I had an annual review. And, it was not real good. Upon my first reading, I felt like I was doing nothing right, like all my efforts where not being noticed, and it made me very angry. I knew I couldn't just blow up on my boss, I was at fault, but from the way I took it, I couldn't understand how I even had a job if this is the way my boss felt! I then had to discuss it today with my boss. She wanted to have a discussion since it was overdue anyway. I felt so not ready to do this since I felt it was so bad. I quickly realized what I was doing to myself, and had to immediately stop my mind from racing. I prayed to take it as constructive, I could see alot was me, but I wasn't willing to accept that I was as bad as it sounded. And it sounded bad. Like I'd said, I couldn't believe I even had the job. So I prayed and prayed to let it go and wait for the discussion, it couldn't be that bad! I put it aside and kept on working. That was a struggle too.

When that discussion time came, I told my boss exactly how I felt. How her review made me feel. Which is not normal for me, actually, in a previous review she said many of the same things and all I did was agree with her although I didn't feel she was totally right on all of it. I had no opinion and just agreed and signed it. It turns out she didn't mean it to sound that bad. I asked her to explain and on one point, she actually couldn't tell me. Then she started adding things in that gave me some praise. Other things started coming to mind when she did this. She was finding the good points and things I've done to help her and lift some burdens she had been carrying. So it turns out even though I was bad, and I was bad! I didn't deny it. I still agreed, but there were positive things that I felt needed to be in my review. And the scoring I didn't understand so that was explained. Which also turned out to not be so bad. And I agreed then with the scoring as an accurate picture of me. I'm so glad I didn't let the anger lead me. And not just accepting it either. I actually spoke up for me for once at work. And it helped me feel so good about me to do it. Much easier than I thought. I thanked God later, He is so good!

Only bad thing is they are going to throw more work at me because she feels I can do more, even still! They may run me out of there too! That may be a good thing though. The strongest point I had in my review was I am making it on time to work and even getting there before my boss! She absolutely loved that although it is not in my report. Hmmmm...I still need to make comments on it too, so it will be...

I am thankful for my program today. It helped me to look at what I thought was a very bad situation in a different way, I struggled but I could think more clearly by backing up and thinking along a different track. And then fully explain myself and listen to her explain herself. It helped me...It helped me...It helped me...and I am so grateful!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Old stuff/New stuff

It's so funny that the day I am so early for church was daylight savings weekend! It just let me know I still have other areas to work on with me. I am also still in a pinch financially due to my unfinished business! God, please help me to move! Oh! I am getting slightly frustrated again with me! Tonight I finally admitted this to my Sponsor! Finally! She told me I needed to get a move on it! What was I waiting for? I have no idea...

This weekend my ex mentioned some old stuff to me again. He said, "I wish you would find a man so I could feel better!" And, other stuff about me hurting his feelings and being angry a lot. I couldn't believe he was talking this way about me yet again. I mean how many times do I need to apologize for what I did that I didn't realize was hurting him? I said I was sorry a couple of times already. He just won't leave it alone. How often are we going to relive all that stuff? I knew that if I kept the conversation going, it would probably turn into an argument. So I politely excused myself from the conversation and went about my day.

As far as the man comment, I figure he still feels guilty for doing what he did. I am pretty much okay with it now. No, I didn't like it and still don't, but I can look past all that now and I still know it is God's will we are not together. How can I dwell on it if I know that for a fact? I can't! It's okay with me now. He does apologize a lot! Still. And I keep saying its okay. Really. But I keep getting the same thing. Anyway, I guess that is his problem not mine. I did say his happiness should not depend on if I have a man or not. What I do shouldn't matter to how he feels. That's like, Codependency, right?

He's also said his girlfriend is so unbelievably jealous. And he's told me previously that I wasn't jealous enough in our relationship. True, I am not the jealous type. I guess you get what you ask for... I trusted my man was all, and I knew he was mine. I even knew when he was no longer mine, if I think about it. I knew something was going on, way to obvious, he wasn't like that and I could instantly tell, but not willing to accept it at that time. But at least it doesn't stick with me anymore. It took a little while before I let it go! God is good!

God also spoke to my needs this Sunday. The sermon was directed at those of us who feel like "Why is God blessing them in such a way and he doesn't do that for me?" I guess I have to get the tape because I suddenly can't remember the answer. Although there may not be one set answer, he could be seeing the attitude we have, us questioning him. He has specific plans for us that are different from those we see getting blessed. We don't know what they've been through for them to get what they've received from God. I know me, I am hard-headed, I don't want to do certain things I think God wants me to do, and I don't trust Him with everything. And finances is a hard thing to let go of for me. I do want to be in control of it all on a constant basis, but in my way. Not necessarily the "right" way. Or the way God wants me to do things! You know, that trust thing keeps getting right in my face all the time! I know I have an issue there and I am trying to work on it, just a little unsure how to change it...or am I? Hmmmm.

Today I am thankful for:
...My dogs even though they are driving me nuts!
...My G-Baby not getting Strep!
...Me not having Strep!
...The peacefulness in my house!
...Me having two couches. Its a pain, but it will get worked out! And the one we are babysitting is more comfortable than mine anyway!
...My Sponsor!
...My friends in recovery!
...Everyone who reads me, comments to me, and/or checks on me if I am M.I.A.! Thanks to you all! I wouldn't have thought of a fellowship out here but there is one out here.
...That no matter how hard-headed I get, God is still providing for me.
...God giving me chance after chance for me to trust Him to change me.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

More brought to my attention

Well, today I am home. I am sick. I have a sore throat that I was afraid was strep throat. I don't think so. Or at least the doctor doesn't think so. Thank God! She didn't even run the quick test for strep but gave me antibiotics for my sore throat anyway. I have a headache, stuffy nose and bad sore throat. I have been putting off the doctor visit for ever - since 2004 to be exact. I thought it was longer. But I decided to ask the doctor about other ailments or happenings I thought needed her attention. And she isn't my doctor, she's a new doctor there in the clinic. I got her postcard earlier this week. And I planned on seeing her soon, but no move to make an appointment. I never have chosen a doctor. Since I signed up for the insurance plan at work last year! My mom would always go to the doctor but not me!!! I favor my dad's opinion and don't go unless something freaks me out or takes me down! So there I went today. My boss was in to work with Strep and then two days later I wake up with a sore throat! I used to get these bad sore throats every year and then have lost my voice for a week or so and all was well. Its been a few years now that this has happened again. Only I still have my voice. Anyway, I kept telling God I'd go to the doctor when I got a chance. I guess He said "you will go now." LOL So hear I am blogging about it and feeling bad but glad it is not Strep! I was just kissing that beautiful baby boy (my G Baby) just last night when I saw him! Okay, well I am pretty tired, so I am heading back to bed. Hopefully to feel better!

Today I am thankful...
...That I get to rest.
...That I didn't have Strep!
...That I get to sleep as long as I want.
...That I can read my recovery devotionals, talk with God, read my literature on a quiet, rainy day, and in a quiet, empty house. So relaxing! Now all I need is soup! Maybe I can get a baby to bring that to me! And I can be grateful again!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Its good to be back!

Well, suddenly my DSL started working again. Yeah! You cannot, I repeat, cannot, take a geeks Internet access away! It will KILL them! Anyway, back up and running for now.

The past weekend was pretty nice too. We did our annual meeting room cleaning Saturday and though we didn't really get to talk much, I enjoyed just being around all those who came to help out. It was a nice two and a half hours.

Nothing dramatic all week, praise be to God! I am still being disciplined though. I have been given a break from my job, I thought for a while. But no. Our receptionist was in the hospital and will be on bed rest for two more weeks. So I was getting comfortable in her job since I am the back up. This also meant I needed to be there early to bring the switchboard up on time and answer phones at 8 am! And I am not the most punctual person. I never have been! This was forcing me to get there early, thus finally on time!
Well, last week they brought in a temp. So I'm thinking, well daing what did I do wrong? Oh nothing! I was needed in my previous position cause my boss was getting a bit stressed and we need all our people for our department to run smoothly. Anyway, I still had to be there on time to let her in, bring up the board, so I still need to be there early! And train her! Now she finally has her own login but no security card to get in on her own. So I still need to be there early and she likes to be there 20 minutes early! This is tough for me folks! Very tough. You see how late I am posting! I am making it 15 minutes early now but it is tough. Sometimes I still make it only ten minutes early. But early! I think God knows what he is doing! Could he possibly being creating a new habit through my situation? I think so. It is still tough but that is because my nights haven't changed and they must! I feel better when I sleep longer. So goodnight! And this is actually early for me! Miss Midnight!

Its so good to be back!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

A Nice Weekend

I am still struggling with what happened with my daughter last Sunday. I shared Friday that I feel 'right' about my actions but I know they were not. I feel I should be able to handle it and like I am being hard on me, but they are my girls. Yes, grown girls, but my kids. Anyway, maybe that stuff about how I set the example being thrown at me kinda sunk in a little bit. Anyway, I am slowly letting that go and trying to stop dwelling on it. I feel responsible but I know they know what is good for them and what is not. I should leave it at that. It is still not mine.

Saturday, I kinda got volunteered to watch the grandbaby without my advance knowledge. I did make a small stink to my ex, who was the one who volunteered me because he wanted to take the kids out to dinner and a movie. That was fine with me except that I got drafted as the baby sitter. I don't know if that sounds bad but my daughter knows she isn't to do that. She understands how I feel about just dropping him on me. I love him very much, but don't impose. I didn't fuss with her, I had to talk with my ex. I guess my daughter felt guilty and kept calling to see if I was okay and let me know they would be later than expected. I really was fine, I hadn't seen the baby since last Sunday and I was nickin' for a baby fix! He was a little fussy so I decided to dress him up and go with my sister to a friends birthday party I had previously declined. Ok, my sis really didn't want to go by herself and so went the baby woke up, we took off to meet her. She lured me out with lots of food! I was hungry! And I hadn't seen her friend in a while and time to show off the grandbaby! LOL! I had fun. He was fussy, he doesn't go out much and so he cried a bit. Took a little time to adjust and then he was happy being passed around and seeing the other kids. He's such a sweetie even when he's fussy!

Later that night, both my sisters and I went on a graveyard tour of the Elmwood Cemetary here in KCMO. It is the 2nd oldest cemetary in the city and supposedly the most haunted. The tour started at midnight and ended about 2 am! We didn't see any ghosts but it was pretty interesting. I didn't feel scared either, I thought I would. But I was fine. I am very easily spooked! Its just crazy, I am. The kids don't like to sit by me in scary movies because I jump and scream and what ever else I do! They know they secretly love it! LOL!

Today I watched that horrible Chiefs game! We lost big time! I fell asleep before the end of the game, it was bad.

Pastor preached today on Trusting God with everything. Even the small things, I know I need to work on that. I need to work on listening too. He was leading me to stay out of that last Sunday and I didn't listen. I guess that's why I got the call right in the heat of it. To keep me from jumping back in the middle of it! I felt caught in the act. And it stopped me in my tracks. It worked. But I was not happy about it. And I never said thanks, which I feel I need to do. It did get me out of the situation in a hurry. I appreciated it although I could not show that or say it at the time the call ended. But I did even though I still struggle with my feelings concerning the whole thing. I'll get it right. No matter how long it takes, I'll get it right.

I also started going to a new class this morning at church, one dealing with offenses. I don't totally understand it, but I did like the testimonies and what we talked about today. We had lyrics to a song by Lee Ann Womack, "I Hope You Dance". It was not what I thought it was about. I just never understood all the words. Of course it started the waterworks going with me! So glad I picked up a napkin with my sandwich they were serving. It was great. The last class I attended was great for me, I feel this one may be the same as well. The talk was about how God created us with needs and those needs point us back to him. I need to get the book so I can really follow along.

Pastor also mentioned something to singles today. We are complete in Christ. He mentioned that our mates need to share our faith. I believe this, and think it is a guideline I should follow, but then I thought about the man I am seeing. I haven't asked this question and I am pretty sure I know the answer. He's a sports buff so he doesn't go to church, because he is at the games on Sunday. I don't know what his beliefs are or if he has any opinion on God. Guess I need to have that discussion. Kinda worries me. I usually make it a point to ask very early in a dating relationship what their beliefs are and here I didn't. That kinda sucks if it turns out I feel lead to leave him alone and end that relationship. Especially since he is kinda growing on me now! I didn't see it going anywhere before but I like the very slow pace it is going. He is a good man as far as I can tell. He works a lot though. Anyway, it would really suck to feel I needed to end it! I guess I really need to pray on this...

Friday, October 13, 2006

Internet down! Wah!

I've been trying to get a new post on here for a few days now. My DSL line is down for some reason, could be my modem jacking up! Who knows! Hopefully it will be resolved soon and I can resume my Internet access more easily from home. Just an FYI for my absence!

Wednesday made 1 year that my mom passed. My sister called to remind me of that and now I am weepy! For the last three days! But guess I'll be okay. Today has been tough. Weepy all day long...

Monday, October 09, 2006

A Hectic Sunday afternoon

Sunday started out unpleasant. My car gave me crap and wouldn't start. I hadn't been to church in a while and was dying to go! By the time it started finally, church was over! And mind you, I haven' tbeen to church in about a month now! So I was not in the best of moods. And, I hadn't read my readings for the day yet!!! My oldest and her BF were arguing and we were all going to my sister's house and I didn't want him to go if he was going to be constantly arguing with my daughter. So I said something and not in the nicest of ways. But definitely not in the worst way either. Of course, he tried to make it look like I was picking on him and then he did disrespect me - not surprising, really. Then I got upset and kept saying stuff to him. It did only make things worse. I was finally pulled away by my youngest who said to just leave them there. So finally, I did.

I was about to head back over there again to voice more of my opinion to him when a friend in recovery called. Upon seeing who was calling me, I was stopped in my tracks, I almost didn't answer the call. Then I did. The call kept me from getting back into it. I felt like I had been caught, or rather, stopped from continuing on back into what was not mine to handle. It was hers and I wanted to protect her. It was a relief really, but I did feel caught. I know they could probably hear the struggle I was having with myself, I also almost excused myself from the call and was going to say I would call back later. I was fighting back tears. I was trying to hide all the emotions I was feeling from my friend, I don't know if they could tell, I could hear it all in my voice and I was so mad I was shaking.

As I continued with the call, he asked if I was taking sides and I did have to say I did. That is my child, I felt compelled to take her side. But I was honest in my answer. He talked to me almost until I made it to my sisters house, out of the situation, finally calmed down, and still trying to not think about the situation I'd just left my daughter in. A more pissed off BF than when I pulled up. But he doesn't put his hands on her, but it is all verbal abuse. He's never happy but it still wasn't mine to handle. She's grown, she can handle it, she's getting tired of it I can tell. Maybe that is why it is getting worse. But I still need to give it to God, He will protect her and can handle it better than me.

I had to fight it today too. Each time I thought about it, I got angry all over again. I had to keep giving it back to God again throughout the day. God is good. I am glad to have a program and can't believe how it worked out to get me out of what wasn't mine to begin with. This journey is amazing. Especially one day at a time.

Tonight I had a long talk with my sponsor. We were deciding on how to handle my fourth step workbook. And it is set for us to start going over it. This is my first fourth step. I guess I have one more section to go over and it will be complete. This is going to be interesting.

Happy for the Chiefs winning again! I hope this keeps up!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Spirit of the meeting

Last nights meeting was so unbelievable to me. Someone came in and shared how something was hurting her deeply. She felt judged by others and mainly her family. She was very hurt by it, and it had been going on quite some time. Others around the table responded and one woman told her directly "They are mad at you because they wish they were you. You know who you are and aren't afraid to be that. They are the ones with the issue, not you." She also told her how beautiful she was and the way she said it was so amazing. That lady almost had me crying! It was great! God was really moving in there last night. People had so much ESH for each other there and it was all so helpful to hear and wonderful to see that kind of spirit in the group. I don't think I've seen it flow that well before! Not quite like that. It was great!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Amazed at God's ability

As a result of the loss of twin grandbabies, I attend Grief Share classes at my church on Tuesday nights. My daughter does too and my sister. Well, last night we talked about holding on to anger, bitterness, resentments, and forgiveness - all leading to depression. I was trying to identify with what the people on the video were saying. They each said for a time they were angry at God. They were angry at the loved one who died, and held on to their anger. Some took it out on others and some went into depression. I didn't feel those things when my Mom, Grandmother and now the grandbabies passed. As I listened to each one in the group share, I still didn't feel the same degree of anger these people expressed. I did share a few of the prayers they shared. And one was to not harbor any bitterness toward my ex. I kept praying that often in the months following the break up. God answered my prayers.

When my grandmother passed, it was immediately the next day that my Mom went into the hospital. I immediately requested of God, "Please not both of them in the same week!" He waited a couple more weeks before Mama passed. But not once did I get angry with God. I knew she would feel better. She wasn't happy with her condition it made her so uncomfortable to go thru Dialysis three days a week. I'm not saying "How could they be angry", I was trying to identify with them and was wondering why I hadn't felt the same.

When it came time for me to share, I had identified with the lady sitting next to me. Concerning her ex. That relationship ending taught me to rely on God for my support. I hadn't been doing that while in that relationship. Then I'd been lead to attend Al-Anon! And CodA! Which then taught me to "Let Go and Let God". And forgiveness had always come easy for me, always. I can forgive and in almost all cases, forget it. But the tools I used to help me deal and heal with my new life, had helped me handle my losses which still seem non-stop since just before the break up. I didn't feel so bad due to my relationship with Christ, trusting Him to care for me, change what I couldn't change, and Letting go! And sharing with others in group, talking to others in the group, etc, etc. So my tools are reaching into my entire life. And it is so amazing to see God working thru this program in my life. It is truly amazing.

The thing the video kept stressing was anger, when held on to, creates resentments and bitterness. And if not released or dealt with, could lead to depression. And without forgiveness to those who had passed away, for whatever reason one is upset with them about, you hinder your own growth. And hinder your own healing process. Its just all around bad for you. Basically, forgiveness is necessary for our healing and growth. My sister saw herself in the testimonies of those on the video tape. She realized for the first time where and why she is depressed. And stated she knows what to do about it. She needs to work on it!

God is so amazing! So Amazing! I am so glad today to have a God that can change you in an instant. He can reach you where ever you may be at any point in time! God is so good!

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Help from my friends...

Last night at my Al-Anon meeting, we talked about the 10th step. I haven't worked that far but it did make me think, I am beginning to actually wonder why I am doing the things I do. Why I seem to respond so slowly to the pressing issues in my life? I normally am very willing to improve myself. In the programs (CodA and Al-Anon), I am the focus but, I am now quite a bit slower to change. But still very willing, the desire to change is there all the time. I am finally recognizing the fact that there needs to be a change for me to get better!

Just yesterday, I was talking with a friend in recovery, and we were discussing me wanting to have more money and a better job. He had all kinds of suggestions, and I had an excuse for why each one wouldn't work for me! Then I started to hear myself, I felt like I was playing the victim role as far as my career and finances. And the reading from The Language of Letting Go, had already spoken to me about finances and it was really speaking to me. I don't know why I keep holding myself back but I think I feel I don't deserve it yet. But while talking to him I realized what I was doing. And I was going to ask him what he thought of my excuses, or what he thought he was really hearing me say, but I hesitated and I didn't ask him. Probably because I already know. Or am finally accepting and coming to realize what I am actually doing. My ex used to say I was making excuses and his sister always said I wasn't confident enough with myself to do anything. I needed to change that. I never liked what they said, but now I am thinking that maybe the problem. I also want to change my career too and to me that means less money to begin with. Starting again at the bottom and working my way up. Which, if I think about it, is actually exactly where I am now. At the bottom waiting to work my way up. Which, in my current company, will be very hard to do. So a lateral move wouldn't hurt me really. What have I to lose? Sounds like not much. I am always taking chances elsewhere, why not here? I do not have an answer...But I know nearly every time I talk to this friend I learn something about me that I usually am not willing to accept yet. Or I am fighting to accept within myself. This is something I didn't realize and now I will need to fight to accept about me. I want better but I am afraid to make a move. I am remaining in yet another situation that is not helpful to me. I am a very loyal employee, friend, etc. Except, at many times, maybe not to myself and what I need! I feel I deserve better but won't try to make it happen.

Later last night, I hung out with another friend in recovery. I remember noticing before that she didn't smile so much and when we went out I thought she didn't really want to go due to the fact that she didn't look so happy. I did ask her about it then and she explained lots of people express the same thing. Then I saw in her what I used to be like before I started to do little things for me to change my appearance. To look better, hence, feel better about me. Its funny how much in common I find I have with the other members of the group sometimes. But it makes me feel more willing to be honest, open and understanding with them - and even some others outside the groups. Anyway, I noticed she has a very pretty smile. I should have told her. I did comment on her picture she showed me. We stayed there talking until about 12:30 am, then I went home. I had a good time. We shared a lot with one another. I love learning about folks and hearing what makes them happy, sad, excited, whatever and I do always learn something new, no matter how small it may be. I learn something.

Today I am thankful to have a growing list of friends in the fellowship who support me, love me, let me gripe, let me weep, let me be me and be comfortable with me at all times.
I thank God and the program because I am really starting to think about why I am the way I am, and what may need to change to make me better. To improve my life.
I thank God for my car, that is still running, I keep trying to treat her well, as best I can. And with all its problems, it still gets me there. I pray that it lasts until I get another one.
I am thankful for those of you who read my blog and appreciate the comments you leave. Thank you so much for sharing your insights with me.

OH my gosh!!! And I am thankful for the fact that I had two invites to the CHIEFS game tomorrow!!!!! YYYYYyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! FOOTBALL!!!!! I will be going with my brother-in-law to the game!!!!! I gotta pick out my gear for tomorrow!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

A Good Word

This little boy is so beautiful. I decided to add this picture at the last minute. My HNT pic for the week. When I look at him I feel so euphoric. I feel so good when I see him or hear his laugh, his voice. My cell phone pics are with me at all times, when I feel down I can look at this and I instantly feel different! This feeling is so much better than those I express below. God is so good. God is always good no matter what.

I did get a good word from my sponsor. She believes I did what any parent would do in that situation. I did what I could do. Yes, I maybe pressed it being tough, and my ex pressed it trying to force our daughter to take action she obviously isn't willing to take. But the only one out of control was the BF. I feel the anger coming again. It is very surprising how much disrespect this boy has for the entire family. I guess I can't take that route, even here. It doesn't feel good at all. I don't like it. I can just give it up to God again.

I feel like God is giving me so much to work on at once. I know I need to work on everything He's sending and I keep trying to avoid so much of what I'm being directed to work on. I guess that's why it seems to get overwhelming to me - I keep avoiding issues I just don't want to deal with. Not good. I will set my priorities and get to work. And ask for His help to get all my issues dealt with, keep me on track, and direct me which to deal with as I go along. Please pray for me to continue to handle my issues that I need to deal with. I start and stop when discouraged. And many times I am discouraged easily. I think my problem is accepting that I need help in these other areas and I won't look for it. I don't know why I am paralyzed. Things will only get worse if I just sit here. And things seem to be piling up again.

Today I am exactly where my God has placed me. He will guide me and keep me lifted up through all I am dealing with. I will be happy with my life regardless of my setbacks and stressfull events going on in my life. I will trust that God has allowed all this to teach me a thing or two, or three, or four....You get me? :) And I'm so glad I have a God I can depend on. Lean on, talk to, pour my heart out to, It makes such a big difference in my life. I can keep going knowing He is there.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Drama filled weekend

This weekend was very hard Saturday evening. I had to see my daughters BF just get entirely belligerent with her trying to take the baby. There was a struggle in my house with the baby (though he was fine) due to the BF wanting to take him away with him, and to where? Who knows, he has no home, no car, and supposedly had no money. So there was no way he was going to leave with the baby. I had to stand by my door because he wasn't about to just run off with him. He refused to leave without the baby, so I called the cops. Then he had to leave they informed him. He has no paperwork to just take the baby away from his mother. So he left but only off the property. He stayed pacing up and down the block waiting for my daughter to leave with her friends. Of course they never did, it took police so long to get there and tell him to leave that they just called it a night and went home.

I don't handle this situation well. I get very upset because he keeps my daughter scared and I am not afraid of him. And if I show this to him, he backs off slightly and isn't so quick to talk big anymore. He did kind of buck up to their dad when he arrived at around 12:30 at night! I couldn't believe he did it since he doesn't appear to do this to me at all - unless he has the baby in his hands. And seeing this makes me more confident that I get very stand off-ish with him. And I know this isn't right, but he does back off enough to where I will back off thinking he's coming to his senses, but as soon as I leave him and her alone again, the ignorance is back on. He stayed around the neighborhood till at least 2 am. By that time, we didn't see him anymore but figured he was still around. No one in his family or friends would come get him. I kept the baby, my daughter went home with my sister, and everyone else left.

I also had like a flashback or something. I couldn't rest all night. I slept with the baby but didn't really sleep or even relax. Every noise I heard kept me awake. I felt like some one was going to break in and I didn't think it was true of the BF to do something like that for any reason. So why did I feel like that? I guess I was thinking of the times I actually was worried my ex was going to break in and take something, those were the times I couldn't sleep. And the times I wouldn't leave the house cause I knew he was waiting around the corner for me to leave so he could come in and get something. And I was not about to let that happen yet again. But it was scary and paralyzing during those times. I hated it but felt it was necessary. At first I thought it was my daughter, I thought she went home but she hadn't, she went home with my sister. So she was safe. The baby was safe. I was too but didn't sleep or relax. Anyway, that episode is over now. He hasn't returned except for his things from her place, and left without any trouble. I don't get it. No trouble today, only the night she wanted to go out.

Her father didn't handle it as well as he normally does this time either. We thought he was going to fight him when he got here! But he did make him go further down the block and kept him away from the house. The cops were called three more times and they still wouldn't take him away. Even though they could see what he was doing was stalking. They told us since he hadn't harmed anyone, they wouldn't take him away or make him leave. It was ridiculous. She must be hurt before anything can be done. That makes no sense to me. And if she doesn't file, and I think she will not yet, he will just do it again. Her father and I discussed it a bit after everything calmed down and he was trying to force her to do something. Of course she couldn't. I don't think she would anyway, not yet. He came to the conclusion he was powerless. I did try to tell him to let her decide, he wasn't having it, not listening to me at all. I just hope the BF doesn't hurt her before she finally decides to stop accepting this crazy behavior from him.

I'm happy to have a God I can call on for the protection I can't provide my daughter. I can ask him to keep her safe.
I'm glad I have a program, even though I didn't think once about the principles in the heat of the moment this weekend. All weekend.

Maybe I need to say to God I am powerless, please help me to let this go and let her handle it. Still confused about how far I should be in it in my own home. Guess it is a good time to call my sponsor. I also found that hard. I guess cause I feel I failed to work it while all this was going on. But that will be on my agenda in the morning. I will call her to discuss this weekends drama. Then maybe an update on me after that!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

I finally made it back!

I made it back to my Al-Anon meeting this week! I haven't been since my daughter went into early labor(back on Labor Day weekend). There's been something going on every week since then. Or maybe I am just trying to keep me busy and not dwell on what happened. It felt so good on the way there, and a little weird on the way into the room. But it was an excellent meeting on making amends. And what a relief to finally be there! It really feels like family. A perfect end to my frustrating week. And one that calmed me down and made me ready for the weekend!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A really tough day!

Man, I seriously need a meeting. I have no car, it is in the shop right now, and I need a meeting. I may need to just jump on the bus and pray someone will take me home. I have been so angry today. My friend at work misunderstood something I said or tried to communicate to me and she seemed to be all upset at me and for what? I have no idea! Then when I asked her about it, she just didn't seem to be able to tell me what. So I left it alone. I think she must be stressed over something. All morning back and forth with her. I wasn't even arguing, but she seemed to think I was. I was seriously misunderstood. I felt like she was trying to make sure she had the last word, or win a fight we weren't really having? I don't know. Anyway, I did finally talk to her face to face and she didn't seem so stand-offish anymore, she thinks she's misunderstood too for some reason. She thinks we are being driven apart too. Why? I don't know, that's the first mention of it to me. We do spend less time together but I don't feel the same, we talk the same. We act the same. Just less time together. That's it.

Then I come home to my daughter and the grandbaby. That's great! I am very happy to see them. It's been a while. But my oldest is having trouble with her man. He wants her to spend time with him and he just makes her cry all the time. Of course, he has no car, no money. Oh now he does since she seems to be tiring of his whining ass. But he still has total control of her. And she's stressing, not taking care of herself and trying to do as he says all the time. When she should be resting. Then she's also running her friends around too and she's stressed about that! They give her money, which she has none of, and so there she goes running all day, instead of resting. Then she disrespects me due to herself stressing. So I got on her too. It wasn't totally good. But I was truthful and it wasn't nice. I try to be but it just doesn't seem to be heard if its nice. It seems anyway. So I had my say and I just want to be alone now. I want to call someone so bad, but what do I say? I feel like I am just whining myself. I know I should stay out of it, but she's going run herself down if she isn't told anything. I do feel I have a duty to help her, but only by suggesting what she should be doing. Not telling her. She ended up staying home and sleeping. I took my other daughter and the grandbaby home. Now I am here. Venting yet again.

I do feel like I need to whine, cry, vent, yell, I wish I could scream. It is not pleasant tonight. I talk to God, but I am not completely comforted. I wish I could reach some one by phone. I finally can relax and let the tears run now. They feel so good. I was weepy yesterday too. I was working on some grief stuff for my Grief Share class and the tears just kept coming. I guess I just need to release it and let God have it. And maybe cry. I wish things were different, I feel so powerless just watching what is going on. I have no problem with not touching anything that isn't mine to touch, but I wish I wasn't at home to see it either. It hurts to hear it. It hurts to hold back and just let things happen. I hope they get it faster than I did. I feel they are, but I wish it was faster. And let me not even begin with my example for them. I took way too long to get out. Okay I think I am heading in the wrong direction with that last comment, so let me stop and gather myself again and I'll just say good night.

I am still grateful I have a program as hard as it may be to apply it at times, I am willing to keep trying. And I am still thanking God for my new chance at a new, more fulfilling life.

Good Night...

Monday, September 18, 2006

Venting again!

A friend whom I confide in said something which made me feel bad. Maybe I am complaining too much, I am looking at me to see if I am. But I also think she was being mean. I am glad to have a program which helps me deal with this. I can not let it stick and give her the space she needs. I can also choose not to share with her anymore information that she could use against me. Which I did once again and she did the same thing. She will not do it again. I do complain a lot about my job, maybe I can just do something about it. I was just jacking around like I always do. And I kept jacking around and it seems she didn't care for it or she thought I was serious. But I wouldn't use information like that against her if she shared it with me. Actually, she was doing the very same thing when I first met her, complaining about everyone she works with! Many times she still does! Anyway, I actually try to encourage her but I get her maybe I should call it a justification of why she is entitled to feel the way she does. My word doesn't get thru, so I just end up listening.

And I need to remember she has no program. I need to remember her views concerning the program. Which she changes quite often. Anyway, so much for that. I feel better now. I am so glad I can vent here. Even those who have a program do this so it isn't just her. And I can still have serenity in the midst of crap happening to me. I can give it to God and leave it with Him!

Today I am thankful I can talk to God about it and leave it alone if it bothers me. I can let it go and not take it personally or let it define me. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in my life!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Downer Evening

I don't know what the deal is tonight. Besides the fact that my football team lost and they were ahead! I've still not done what I need to do around here. I feel like it is too overwhelming. There is so much to do here and I have no motivation to do it. I want to talk to someone and can't seem to pick up the phone. I haven't really felt like this so heavily before. Maybe its just a phase. I'm sure it'll pass. I feel just sleepy and not wanting to do anything! I am listening to music and I want to just lay down. I can't stand these downer days, or hours. It wasn't all day long. Maybe I will hit the sheets early to night and be refreshed tomorrow. I may need to just get on my knees and cry out to God. Gospel music seems to be the ticket tonight. I feel like He wants me to spend time there with Him. I think that is what I will do! Good night!

Busy Days

Well! I have been hopping for the last few days. I've enjoyed myself, but I've been busy, very busy. Home late, rushing to work, repeat, repeat. Thursday I had a good CodA meeting, then to dinner for some catching up with the group. Mostly men talk. That was fun. And an excellent steak!

Friday I had a Passion Party to attend for a friend. She was needing my friends to attend since hers wouldn't! But then they all showed up! It was done very tastefully, not lewd, nor very shocking. And it was fun, so much fun. My friend's friends got quite rowdy, I knew they would! They always do. And they did get checked a couple of times, not just by me. LOL! Still it was fun. Very informative and quite the learning experience. I found I was quite abnormal, and that will be as far as I go with that! That lasted from 6:30p to 12:30a! Party was over at 10:30 though. We just visited for two more hours, as women sometimes do.

Saturday, Avon delivery 8 am, Walking at 10:30 am, then Ice Cream on the Plaza, then my cousin and I shared a burrito, then the downtown air show was going on and I pulled over so I wouldn't crash, and watched the remainder of the show! I love the air show! I love the rumble of the jets as they go by! I can't tell you how much I love it! I got some good shots of them on Thursday and Friday! They were practicing and they flew numerous times over the building I work in! They were so close, so LOUD! Oh! I should have been a pilot! Nope! I'm scared of rollercoasters, so I wouldn't have passed the training I think! But I absolutely love the rumble!!! I feel like a kid watching them. I saw the Stealth Bomber as it flew over KCKS today! I will be attending the Hispanic Festival tomorrow and hoping to get a glimpse of the Bomber again and the Blue Angels! Oh! I love it!

I am so thankful I can enjoy my life more fully now! I missed seeing the planes and its only been a year. I love the natural high those jets bring when I hear and see them! I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT!!!

I am thankful my kids know they can call on God when they are in need of his help.
I am thankful for my dogs, Timber and Lady, who shower me with love.
I am thankful for my car, I mistreat it and it keeps on going for me.
I am thankful for CodA, and Al-Anon meetings I attend, I miss my Al-Anon.
I am thankful for standing up for me now a days!
I am thankful for the program everyday!
I am thankful for my daily readings! They help me so much.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

My First HNT pic!

There are a few things I love dearly... I think this picture represents them well. I love God, so glad for the faith I have in Christ, I love technology, and I am happy today. Last year at this time I was still going thru withdrawals from the toxic relationship I was in. Today I am Happy, Joyous, and Free!

Happy HNT!

I have a Sponsor

After so much time has passed and not even thinking of a sponsor, I've finally asked someone to be my sponsor and she's accepted! I'm so glad! She shares what I am not willing to share, I learn so much from her everytime she shares, she says out loud what I would never (previously) admit. I think this is going to be a much greater level of learning and growing. And, accountability. Whoa! I was wanting that a few months ago, huh? It's coming I'm sure. It's been a whole year without a sponsor. I think I've done good but it was on my mind to be getting one soon. Especially when my need for accountability surfaced. Anyway, I have one now and we've talked a couple times. I'm liking it.

More later!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Another Loss in the family

Last week was a wild ride once again. My oldest daughter who is pregnant, or was, had problems last Sunday evening. She thought her water broke (and it did, come to find out later) and we rushed her to emergency. They sent her home saying it wasn't so. Thursday night she had bad cramping which to me appeared to be labor! So again, we took her to emergency. Again they said, not so. Discharged her and before we could leave the hospital, she started bleeding. They said she was miscarrying. She was admitted, but they said she was not miscarrying but going into early labor. At four months. She ended up losing the babies, there were two, she was carrying twins. Twin boys. Both babies did not make it. It was a great shock, to all of us. They were developing correctly we were told and they had no idea why this happened. I think I am going back to work Wednesday. Kinda numb, still in a daze, but I think its okay to go. I've slept most of today away, not wanting to really do anything. I was supposed to go out tonight but was glad he didn't call.

I am so glad to have God in my life. A higher power that I can count on. One I can lean on and trust to help us all through. I have a lot of folks praying for my daughter to help get her through and to fight any depression that may try to set in. She was just getting used to the idea of being a mom. God must have other plans for her. God has not failed me or my family and I pray that we just keep going through. I haven't been to my meetings since all this began, I am looking forward to a meeting this week. I still may not make it if my daughter isn't feeling well. She also had to have a blood transfusion this past Sunday due to her loss of blood during the delivery. And you know, I think God was telling us this was coming. She was having dreams and I had one too about her losing the baby she was carrying. Only it was two!

Her father, my ex - seldom one to say something uplifting, upset me while we were talking about it Monday evening. I can't believe the crap that comes out of his mouth! I think he feels we should be more upset than we are. But yet he didn't go see her the last two days because he didn't feel grief for the babies? I don't get it. But I stopped myself short of going off on him and just ended the conversation. I am reminded of why I couldn't stand to be his woman many a time, he never could just talk anything out. He'd get stressed easily and just seem to get all loopy or lost. Unable to talk about any issue. I felt he was avoiding whatever the issue was that required his involvement or action! It was so infuriating and frustrating to hear him just trying to end it and get out of it! I am glad I can vent here. This feels good and it isn't harming him or belittling him in anyway. I did vent to a friend but I just needed someone to listen and not comment. I am so grateful for the ability to just let him be the way he is and stop allowing it to affect me.

Today, I am so grateful for my program!

I am thankful that even during this stressful event, I can still apply my program and be peaceful and serene, even though it takes work. I can Let go and Let God, and Live and Let Live. He(my ex) can freely be who he is and I can be okay with that today. Even if it reminds me of where I was just over a year ago. But that in itself isn't so bad, tells me how far I've come since then too. I can be grateful that my codependency doesn't have the grip it did just a year ago. I can be thankful my beautiful daughter is getting better. She looks better, I can tell she feels better. I can thank God for my two girls and the fact that they are just maturing at a better rate than I did. I thank God They are able to take care of themselves. I thank God I took them to church while they were young so they also know God. I thank God I have these two girls to go through with me. And the support of all my family in the program, including those of you who read my blog!

And I must end...Work tomorrow...Back to life as usual...Kinda.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Flying too close to the flame??? Again?

A close friend just mentioned I am spending lots of time with my ex again. I am not spending time with him. I am talking to him again - a lot. And, he is apologizing and crying and all that kinda thing. No, I am not thinking of taking him back. I do know why he is calling me, she's gone right now. She will be back and it isn't me contacting him, and things are different now. Boy! If that didn't sound defensive! But, we can actually talk about what happened between us and both of us know it was meant to happen. So instead of getting upset about what she says this time, I can look at me and evaluate what's going on, if there is any truth to what she says. And there isn't. We do share recovery and that is almost our entire conversation each time we talk, besides the kids troubles and happenings. Yes, he does throw in his - can we do anything line. If we are together, he doesn't touch me. I refuse, and yes, he gets upset and pouts. Not trying to show it to me though. Then he says he knows he shouldn't ask, but he does anyway. Well, I was informed his mom was out of town for a week or so, so if I get lonely, I could call. I haven't talked to him all week except once. And it wasn't about being lonely it was again about whatever he is revealing to his therapist and feels he wants to share with me I guess? It is some pretty disturbing stuff I knew somewhat a little about when I met him, but I had no idea how bad it was.

And you know what? While he shared these things with me, he mentioned something that he had previously told me but I thought nothing about. He described an incident that brought back to my memory my past abuse. The issue that bothers me about my kids to this day. Well, it isn't the exact same issue, but it just seems like me needing to deal with this past abuse keeps coming up again. When he previously shared it, I didn't think of his experience as abuse, but it is. Like I was numb to it or didn't recognize it as abuse since I feel it happens to everyone. Only now is it really coming clear since I've been in the Al-Anon program. And I remember how someone shared with me that codependents sometimes think we are responsible for our own abuses, even at the hands of someone else. I thought, no, I'd never feel like that. But I do, I know it wasn't right for that person to do as they did, but I feel like I could have stopped it at any time and didn't! Now I know that it is what it was - abuse. Not my fault, I was young, very young and the person responsible was an adult. As a matter of fact, since then, I kept such a close eye on my girls, especially with this man. I taught them to say something if anyone does put their hands on them inappropriately. It didn't matter who the person was, it was wrong. My abuse was not near what many others go thru, but it still has an affect on me to this day! And no, I haven't yet sought counseling...I know I need to...soon. The fear I felt a couple of weeks ago was not pleasant. I don't want to have that reaction with any and every man who comes into contact with my kids. My grown kids...

But maybe I am flying too close to the flame again. Well, this time I don't feel the pull like I did before. And if I again get to feeling like I want to see him or be with him, I know it will pass if I just ask God for His help. I hear it from those I share this with, if I hear some concern in a comment or like my friend who says it straight out, I listen to it and examine me. The person that I used to be is still too fresh to be non-chalant about it. It's only been a year or so. I used to be offended by such a comment. Now I just feel its God prodding me to get back in line. To "Watch it". At least I can look at myself honestly now. And, I know my culture plays a strong part in it too. I am very submissive, especially with men. I still try not to offend someone's feelings, especially if I am not familiar with them (which does not apply to my ex! I offend him quite often - now, joking though - but not really!). But I heard and I feel I am responding appropriately. In a way that will keep me safe and taking care of me. In another area, I am not doing that! I need sleep and here I am! Good night!

Jazz Fest anyone???

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Needing Direction!!!

Today I am glad I have a program to apply to my daily dealings. Sometimes folks you work with can rub you the wrong way and, if they don't get the response they were looking for, they will try harder rather than quit. I guess misery loves company. Anyway, I see an opportunity opening up and I am not sure if it is the one I am supposed to take, so I am needing prayer for my God's direction. As always I am lacking in skills needed to fit a certain job description and it intimidates me to try. I am feeling this intimidation right now. I want to try since I am so bored with my current position, and I always excel at what I have done professionally, but I am still lacking in a couple of areas. Anyway, I just want to know if this is an opportunity I am to take. I guess if God wants me there he'll give it to me. Then if not, he won't put me there. Maybe that is my answer! LOL! Whenever I ask for direction, I don't always get a certain answer or I could be confusing myself in some way. It still sounds interesting but comes with a lot more responsibility. I've been avoiding that but this feels different for some reason, hopefully not just because I am bored to death in my position!!!! Thanks to those who do lift me up to the HP for my direction on this matter!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Miami!!!! I'm going!!!

Well, just talked to my high school friend about going to Miami in November! We are going!!! We have chosen to drive since flying seems to cost so much at this time. $1000 - $800 range! Too much! Good thing I can drive a spell! I can last at least six hours at a time! But I do need to be rested and comfortable! Now hopefully, no one has asked for the same time block off!!!! I just need to schedule that time off! Then I will be set to go!!!! Yipeee!!! Please let it all work out! We would get to stay in her new home near the beach! Shopping and whatever else she has in store for us! I haven't really spent time with her since she left for the Army. So that will be a pleasure!

I am feeling a little lonely in the house, just a little and just tonight really. I enjoy the solitude but not for very long! I kinda wish I had a roommate sometimes just to have someone around, but I've never done that. I think it may be kinda weird. And I may still consider it. Who knows. Enough for now. I don't like feeling weird like this, I feel something is wrong, but when I really think about it, there really isn't anything wrong. Weird, I know. Anyway, Sex and the City is about to start so, adios!!!!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Busy Weekend

I have had some good times this weekend. I went Salsa dancing Friday night, well, Salsa learning actually! The ladies I was with taught me basics and then some one asked me to dance, and that was the entire rest of the evening. The same stuff that happened to me in Chicago happened to me again Friday night. This one guy danced with me all night - no one else was asking though, and then at the end of the night he was thinking I was his woman. We had just met that night too. So, when it happened again, I felt I was better prepared to handle it this time. This guy was a little more well-behaved than the last one, although pretty drunk. So he said whatever he felt, but kept his hands to himself. And, since I was driving, I couldn't drink and he didn't like that either. So he did keep asking me if I needed a drink. But I was good. I know me and my abilities very well as far as drinking goes! I never really was a drinker and so it takes only a single drink to cause me to be afraid to drive and if I am afraid, it ain't gonna happen! So I thank God for that knowledge and ability to know my limits in that area. I still had a good time though. I did dance all night and that's what I wanted.

Saturday was the Ethnic Festival here in KC and my family and I always go. We are even on the commercial that ran this year and last year for it. We were just enjoying the Fest last year and got taped and so we got run on the news last year and in the commercial this year! Woo hoo! I am a celebrity! Ha ha! Anyway, my family and I started getting calls when they started running the ads this year. Funny! It was great! You can try foods from 45 different countries. I love trying new foods. I am a risk taker in that area! I will try almost anything! I had a ball and was full trying so many different foods. Here is a link to an article in our paper about the fest:
One of the highlights was Saturday, when I was leaving the fest. My daughter and the grandbaby were walking ahead of me and I kept fanning the baby since he was fussy and very hot. I tripped and he laughed that adorable little baby giggle! Of course, I needed to hear more of it so I started jumping around causing him to giggle all the way to the car! That was my wonderful moment of the day! Man, I sound like such a grandma!!! I can hardly wait for the next one to arrive!

Well, no Reggaefest for me this Sunday, it costed too much! so that was out! I have a friend whose band was there but I guess it will have to wait until next year when I can plan for that cost! Still hoping to go to Miami in November and another trip to Chicago next year!

Saturday I went back to the Ethnic Fest with my cousin and his wife. They had a great time, I was so glad they came, they hadn't been to one before. So we stayed until 10 and went to the Isle of Capri for some drinks and trivia. It was a pretty quiet evening. But I had a good time with them too! I just adore his wife and I love spending time with them. He is about to be sent to Iraq for 18 months with the National Guard! This is my favorite cousin we've always been very close, I hate to see him go. I can't imagine if my husband were to go overseas to fight for our freedoms! I can't imagine how that feels, just compared to what I feel about it. I do love her dearly. I will be checking on here and keeping in touch. We don't live very far apart so it will be easy to do so. He has 7 children, I can't imagine how they feel.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Fun Weekend Planned!

This weekend is going to be very busy. I am going to a Salsa club Friday night after my Al-Anon meeting and a few of the ladies will be going with me. I hope we like it. It is a new place and none of us has ever been there! Then there is the Ethnic Festival this weekend. You can try all kinds of different foods from many different countries there, we go every year! I love it, my whole family loves it! I like trying new foods. Then there is the Reggae Fest too, although, I haven't heard anything about it! Even if not! I will go back to the Ethnic Festival on Sunday! Yeah! I gotta call friends and family and make a big outing of it! More later!!!!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Please check out this link! It is a wonderful quote. I have to remember this and apply in my life.

And about our self worth and our careers:

And last but not least, something I keep getting reminded of many times over by those within the program...Because I am still working on not reacting!

Thanks to all three for sharing these principles, of which we may all need reminding every now and then!

Fear hits hard

Well, the issue I mentioned a few weeks ago reared its head again last week. Only this time it came at me in a fear that I haven't experienced before. I think I'd better start trying to deal with this for real. I know I said I was going to see a counselor or something, but I didn't pursue it any further. I figured oh well, I'll be okay. Not so, I had to keep giving that fear up to God over and over again. It was very hard to let go of and usually, fear doesn't stick with me or make me feel that badly. It affected me physically. I instantly got a headache, I got this knot in my stomach, and just felt extremely scared. I couldn't concentrate so I had to do something simple at work to keep working. It subsided after a while, maybe two or three hours later. I need to deal with what is bugging me mentally. It came again after a comment from a friend about my daughter. Nothing bad, suggestive or anything like that. Just a comment. That's it. Last time anger took over, this time it was some very strong fear that I felt. I wasn't in a dangerous situation, but that is how I felt, like I was in a seriously dangerous situation. I think it means I need to deal with this and deal with it soon. Before things get worse. A warning perhaps that I need to continue to deal with it, or rather, to start dealing with it in a real way. Not just thinking it will go away if I ignore it or just act as if things are okay. Acting as if is not working in this situation, I am only hiding my true feelings and not dealing with them. Great! Now I need to find the time to go see a counselor, what time? I guess I will have to look for the time or just make time for it.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

On the downside of the hill....I think

Finally back! I am finally seeing life get calm again. I guess giving me a rest up for the next episode! I've seen my children's lives calm down too. That I love. Yet and still, my youngest called me out on my own program! I obviously said way too much about her situation to her. She told me she thought they taught me not to be in her business or making so many comments that where hurtful about her life. I really had to think about it, I remember saying one thing to her about it but not all she said. I remember holding back because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I knew I didn't want to say what she claims I said! But no! She says I did say those things to her. I really can't recall so I just apologized to my child. She is 20 years old now. And this was last Sunday when we had this talk. My jaw probably hit the floor I was so surprised to hear what she said. Then she commenced to blame me for her life being the way it is. Now that I did not just let rest. I stood up for me and told her she was grown, she is making her own decisions now and cannot blame me for her life situations. I had no part in creating them. Needless to say that ended the conversation as far as blaming me. I shouldn't have been so far into it true, but I am not responsible for the state of her affairs.

A friend from work also called me on my program. I complained about work, and kept on, thinking I was justified in my feelings. I guess yes, in my feelings but not accepting that I can't do anything about what is happening and to make the best of what I have. Following the rules as nearly everyone else does(see! There I go again!) and doing what I am supposed to do. She quoted Step 1 on me and then pulled out scriptures on me to show me what God's word says about doing my job as if I am working for God Himself! Okay, that shut me up good! Can't I just get a good venting out just once!!!! That is all I wanted, was to vent and get it out! LOL!

I still need a car and now my A/C is out in my house and I have not the money to fix it. I have a single window unit to cool a room and fans. But nothing more. I've been spending the hot evenings over at my daughters new apartment. With the grand baby and my oldest practically lives there! So here we go again all hanging out together again. Good thing we can stand each other for so long. We love being together a lot. Then the phase comes where we just don't see each other for a while. I love it all! We spent time together yesterday with my sisters and my Dad for his birthday. Steaks are his thing so I bought KC Strips and we grilled them for him. He ate to his hearts content as we all did. And I learned how to grill KC Strips! I learned how to grill, period! That was fun too. I like learning new stuff.

God had lots of lessons for me this week. Lots. It seems that though I thought I wasn't hearing His voice, I was, and wasn't paying attention to it. I thought I knew better. Of course, when I think about it, I don't follow the direction of my earthly father either!!!!! I always wait until the very last second or too late to do as he has told me and then I need his help. And, I usually get fussed at for it - as I should! Well, I ran out of gas, locked myself and my father out of the house, missed meetings and church, jacked up my finances yet again, and wonder why I am stressed, have headaches, worry, and am boo hooing to God about it all...all the while wondering why I am going through so much crap! If I just listened, maybe I would go the right direction for once! I bet God is getting a little tired of me just aimlessly meandering about as if I know where I am going and what I am supposed to do! It seems quite a few called me on my program this past week and maybe there is a reason why. I need to check me and stay in my meetings, keep up my readings, my fourth step work, and take a look at me and ask God for more help. And when I get it....LISTEN to it! Then DO IT! LOL!

Lord, just help me please, I'm trying, but I need lots of help still! Thanks for the blessings I know you have in store for my future!

I did get a new camera phone! Yeah, and no, I didn't' have to pay for it! I've had an account so long with one company, that I get free phone offers all the time, maybe every couple of years or so. And the one thing I will not do, even though I love having the latest gadgets, phones, PC components or what have you, I will not pay for a new cell phone. They will have to give it to me or my phone must break before I will call for another and I always take the free phone, never anything I must buy! I think I have ten pics of the grand baby already, and I've only had the phone maybe 5 days. Only two of which I have spent with the baby! That's actually a lot less than my normal amount across two days! LOL I'd better get crackin' huh? hee hee!

Have a wonderful Sunday! I missed being here. And church was so excellent today! I did make it back. I had a nice evening Friday with a friend in the program. It was good talking to her one on one that evening.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

A very hectic week

Well, it seems life is at it again. My daughter's lives are going wacko again. One day its the oldest having trouble, the next day its the youngest. Boy, I feel I set a horrible example of how to accept so much unacceptable shit from a man(addict) and continue to survive. But how much of it am I to blame for as far as it pertains to their lives? I feel from things the kids and some family members have said it is my fault they are going thru these things. Although I know I did set the example, and a very bad one at that, they do have their own minds, right? They do see me handling things very differently than before. Its not like they don't know right from wrong and they can make their own decisions. I know they need to follow their own path, even if it is very similar to my own. But my path was not the same as my mother's. She set an example very different from what I have displayed to my girls. It was actually very normal, or what most of us perceive to be normal. No drama, drinking, drugging, or fighting, arguing yes, but no fighting. So why my example was so different I think was due to my own rebellious reasons. Can anyone help me out here? Any ESH to share on how much a part of their lives am I really to blame for? How am I to defend myself? And maybe I just need to forgive myself...

It is so hard to stay out of my children's drama filled life! So hard! I want to see them do better than me but they have nuttier men than their own father!!!! One called her father to help her with the situation, and thank God! I wouldn't have handled it the way he did but, he did excellent. He is in the program too with AA, or NA, and it seems he really is trying to work the program. Anyway, myself and my daughters were all very upset by the fact that he talked to him and gave him a ride home. He feels it is better to try to calm him down than just beat him down! So we were not happy! LOL We really weren't! Anyway it is horrendously hard to stay out of it. I want to take action and know I shouldn't but keep trying to get into the situation. I must of prayed for the Lord to keep me right, because I can't seem to get anywhere near it anymore. LOL! I do think that is it!

The week ended on a quiet note and tho I did lots of calling people this week, it was very hard to find someone to talk to. I assumed that meant I was to trust in God and lean on him for support. I did talk to one person who called me back and she had some ESH for me. I think too just talking about it makes me all the more able to deal with it.

I attended my 20 year high school reunion this past weekend too. I so didn't want to go. The usual stuff, not being where I feel I should be (even though I say I know I am where I should be as far as God's will for my life), not making enough money as I should (this too is according to others), and possibly not looking as great as I'd like (this is totally me, I've become so vain since I started Al-Anon for some reason). But all this I do realize is just the outside, not the real me, inside I am happy, content, assured that God is leading and guiding (finally!), and that I am exactly where I should be at this point in my life. So even though I was kinda reserved about my life right now, I had a good time. I am glad I went, it was good to see everyone again. I didn't go to the 10 year so I hadn't seen anyone except my two best friends since high school. I did get lots of compliments. I enjoyed that very much. I've not been called gorgeous in who knows how long, if ever. I have been working on it too. Trying to get into good shape and lose my belly that's stayed with me for years! Since my first child! It ended all too soon for me, I didn't get to visit with lots of people I intended to visit with and wanted to, but maybe emails will suffice for now.

I missed blogging too, my busy two weeks seems to have me scrambling for time to get back to blogging. I missed reading too. It will be good to catch up. Did I mention I went to the MO State AA Convention in Jeff City? That was one weekend and the next was my class reunion. The week prior I was still helping my child get settled into her new apartment. So time to get back to meetings and blogging and finishing my fourth step!