Monday, May 29, 2006
My daughter broke up with her boyfriend and he is not handling it well at all. He is still trying to control, being very jealous, not helping with the baby, and still trying to get her alone to his place. Only for what I expect can only be to hurt her. I was reminded that I shouldn't get involved and while I did know this, I really didn't feel just sitting back and watching was going to be my way of handling it. I did argue with him and needless to say, I did realize how stupid that was to do after having been in the same kind of relationship myself, except that mine didn't jump into violence so quickly. I really can't say quickly, I knew it was there and the first time this happened, I made sure he knew I was not scared of him and would deal with him if he brought it to my house. I know he seems to think that since there is no man around the house that he can do whatever he pleases. And early in Al-Anon I think I did allow that to happen. As soon as he started being disrespectful my patience ended and so did his visits. So when it happened again, I was not so willing to hear any reason, I quickly jumped to her defense and made it known again, I was not afraid of him, and right or wrong I would deal with him if need be. I had been in a similar relationship, I do know what to do, right and wrong. I felt so much anger and was so willing to deal with it in an unacceptable way. I basically wanted to deal out my own vengeance.
This is really a change for me in a way. My big hang up really was not taking up for myself or standing by my children when it was really needed. But I think this was easy, he provoked me in a way I've never been provoked before, it was automatic to defend my child who, by the way is now 19! But it is normal to defend them, and although I was dying and just praying for him to give me a reason, nothing happened. I had taken it to God in prayer and kept trying to let it go. It was extremely hard. It was unbelievable. I was extremely confident in my ability to handle him since I had fought with a man bigger than him in the past! I was battling myself, what I learned in the program on how to deal with these situations, what my Christian beliefs are told me the same, I was apologizing to God for what I wanted to do, what my plan was, and please help me not to do it, but forgive me if I do! Because I SO want to handle it my way. But you know, she didn't react as I expected, wanting me to help or even wanting to do anything. Except avoid contact with him. I do have to hand it to her, she knows what she does and doesn't want. Which is a lot more than I did in my relationship with her father, I just let it continue, I did want to be with him but in the end, I just could not end it even though it was so far past obvious that he was not good for me or our girls. He wasn't good for himself or anyone.
It did take lots of going to God all week, each day all day long, and at work I was very silent all week and didn't really socialize much as I normally do. Didn't want to talk to any friends in the program after the first night. I did mention it to a couple of people but then just got silent, I didn't pursue it like I normally would if something is bothering me and I know sharing experiences or just talking about it would help me with a solution. I did go back to church on Wednesday evening, and I think that really helped me to let go completely. I am so glad God is so long suffering! It is taking me so long to get my life in some kind of order or as it should and getting God back into my daily life in more than just prayer. I feel myself being drawn to Him more and more on a daily basis, yet I still hesitate or get distracted!
Even though all this happened I do feel I did well. Considering I have only been in the program for one year and so much continues to happen. God is good all the time, if I am going thru something like the above I am meant to learn something from it. I learned about me, I am still very willing to just jump right in, I need to just set an example and offer my suggestions on what to do if she asks me for it. And offer her the program as help, which let me tell you, is not acceptable to her at this point in time. She did offer that bit of clarity to me! And on a more upbeat note, I did start my Tae-bo workouts last week! And have been faithful to every other day! I am feeling really good about that. I already see results after one week! I am also off to Chicago this weekend! Finally! One year since the last time I was there. Hope the weather is nice, I'll be going rain or shine!
Monday, May 22, 2006
Today I read from the Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beatty. Today's reading was on reprogramming. It made me think about where I have come from, where I used to be at this time last year. I was a mess. My life was a serious mess. Things aren't so miserable anymore, I am happier with my choices and my life today. I am just grateful for me, able to appreciate me, love and care for me, things I really hadn't done hardly ever prior to recovery.
I know that without God's help, I wouldn't be where I am today. I had to take Step 3 to heart and give things up that I had never, ever given to God before. And it has made all the difference! Now I can do it with a lot less effort, I am trusting God more and more each time I give Him my cares. I now understand what "Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you" meant! Today, I can actually apply this principle! It is basically, Let Go and Let God! My faith even seems as if it is brand new. I have a much better understanding of what God wants of me and how to apply His word to my life. Thank you Lord, for those things you are teaching me in recovery. And for all I will continue to learn in the coming years!
Saturday, May 20, 2006
I was so looking forward to that soak in the hot tub due to my week!!! Movies and chatting all night was the agenda for Friday night. This is always interesting with my friend and especially so when her other friends are over too. It is always quite lively to hear their interactions. This too, is the only place outside my family, where I can spend time with other Mexicans/Mexican-Americans. Which sheds more light on my own culture for me, and these ladies(and a few men) are all older than me, so I learn a lot from them and their experiences.
After this entire week, which really started on Tuesday as far as issues for me to deal with and learn about myself, I was really ready to relax! I found out things about me that I really didn't care to know. Things I had said were not like me to do, I was doing! I did continue with my fourth step work on my inventory where I had left off. I still think I am coming out with more good than bad, which of course means (joking)I must be doing something wrong! I must be worse than this. And also makes me question, why do we in recovery feel this is such a hard step to take? I hear so much about how nobody wants to work on this step, yet, I think it really isn't so bad. But, I do have to think, I was never addicted to drugs or alcohol, just to the addict. So it is very different for me to do an inventory than them. I'm the other side of the story, so to speak.
Things I discovered:
Attitudes: I found that I feel I am above the rules or entitled to extra benefits at work. Because I do good work, my employers always like me and defend me, I get along with everyone, I do what is required and usually more (what a shocker!), I think I am entitled to come and go as I please and no one should say anything about it! LOL! Including being late, which started since I moved into my new cube. Not good. My boss knows because we can all see each other now. But she was not the one complaining. Actually, no one is but one person decided to get in my business and I got offended that she did. It really isn't any of her business, I do know what I am doing is wrong and it doesn't feel good. I actually want to change it, and I will. Note: But in the past, I did not care to change it. I did feel entitled. A church devotional I read that next day straightened me out. I was destroying my witness to others by being late, it mentioned a few other things that I do, or have done in the past. So I was checked on my coming and goings! I almost complained to my boss about some one saying something to me about it - and I actually am in the wrong! Notice I said, "I am"!
Worry: I heard about an incident with my daughter and her now ex-boyfriend and it messed with my head quite a bit. Each time I hear about anything with them, I do get worried. Yes, it is part of motherhood, but I carry it quite a ways further until I am obsessing about what is going to happen in the future, the near future and then I tend to start trying to figure out what I am going to do to prevent it from happening! And let me tell you this takes up lots of time as I play the plans over and over in my head! Not controlling my thoughts, not realizing that feelings aren't necessarily facts, not giving it to God and letting him handle it! When I couldn't sleep last night, I finally realized what I was doing and took it to God in prayer. Thankfully I can report that it has been placed in his hands and left there! I was feeling much better today due to this principle being applied! I am so glad to know how to do this now. It takes some work, but it can finally be done effectively, Praise God! Note: the meeting topic I missed Friday evening was Detachment!
Neither one of these discoveries was pleasant this week. But both of them happening has helped me understand me a little more and caused me to apply the principles learned in recovery. To get a better understanding of those principles and even more so, to gain more serenity in my life and in my mind. I saw the world so differently before, it is amazing how much change can happen in one year! It is almost exactly one year since I started Al-Anon and CodA! May 27th is my Al-Anon anniversary(or birthday?) and June 2nd is my CodA anniversary. One year people! I made a year! A hard one, but so fruitful in so many ways! I am truly blessed and happier today! And for that I am very grateful!
Monday, May 15, 2006
There he is! My little grand baby! He's just so cute! I just purchased a digital camera and am having so much fun with it! For you geeks out there it is a SONY Cybershot 5.1 Megapixel Camera. I only have a 512MB card in it so I only will fit about 300 pictures on it. I love it! It's great! I know I could have splurged more but I am a cheap geek! And rather tight right now so that explains why I don't have the latest and greatest! And why I am just now buying one! The reason is who you see above! Didn't have a legitimate reason why I should have one before he came along!!!!
This little boy is so fussy at night and in particular today! What with all the TV finale stuff going on all night! He sure did pick a night to do his wailing! Grey's Anatomy was on, Bush was on, Prison Break! Man! We needed to be taping it all! They were good by the way, the parts we did get to concentrate on anyway!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
I guess I wish I had a new man in my life. I actually do, kind of, that's kind of sad, I didn't even realize I actually do. I have been seeing the man who took me to the Chiefs game in December. He is very nice to me. I am attracted to him in a different way than I have been attracted to men in the past. I am attracted to him due to the way he treats me - with kindness, compliments that seem never ending, he reminds me of what he thinks of me whenever we talk. He thinks very highly of me it seems. I am definitely not used to that - at least not for the past few years. I know my ex doesn't think badly of me, he has told me many times he is not holding anything against me for what has happened (not that it was my fault, it was him who left - my fault to a point I've learned). But this new man, I haven't known him long and I actually miss him when I don't hear from him. He isn't what I normally am attracted to and maybe that is why I am sort of resisting this a little. It is different, and I am a little scared to even start down that road, but it is starting. Okay, let me be very honest, I am quite scared to start down that road, but I am allowing it.
I notice that he seems to cater to me and I love it, but I am not used to it. I think codependence, my culture, and my own beliefs make me think this is wrong. It should be me catering to him, not the other way around. But, I still love it. Now he's asked me to attend the opening practice for the Chiefs and, unlike the last man who asked when we were going out, I immediately said yes! I am attracted to the other man sexually, which is more of what I am used to. Not that I am or had been acting on that impulse, because I do not. Because I feel that he treats me as if I need to learn from him or I feel that he treats me somewhat inferior, I don't care to spend time with him. I believe all he wants is sex. Not too interested in that attitude. Wow, I think that is an excellent change happening within me. Something I hadn't noticed before this post! I wanted to go out with #2(sexual interest guy) but chose to spend time with #1(football guy). I thought, and still do to some extent, that sexual interest was to come first. Thank goodness for recovery teaching me a thing or two - I see I am developing new thinking. I am very grateful for the friends I have in recovery, I know their experience and sharing has helped me develop my thinking as well.
Codependency says, I need to change for him...to make him happy. The Mexican culture shows me the man is head of the household. He leads, I am to follow his lead, regardless of what I want. Of course, the younger the generation is, I think the less this is true. Or maybe I just always left out the fact that he should be treating me good, period. I have seen this many times over in the Mexican culture. The woman is interested in pursuing something - if he doesn't approve, it will not happen, no matter how badly she wants it.
The bible says I am to be submissive to my husband and he is the head of the household. Now, I know God did not intend for women to be mistreated, so I obviously haven't understood these beliefs correctly. I know what I had was not a godly relationship. But I sure was working to make it that way I thought, and we wasn't ever my husband! If you go by Common Law, maybe so, he used to say this to me repeatedly too, he felt we were already married. Common Law I didn't care for.
Now I know codependency is something I need to work on and change in my life. And I misinterpreted, or just carried too far my religious beliefs where they should not have been applied yet in my life. But in order for me to recover I did need to go through this, so God is at work in my life regardless of my screw ups! He can, and has turned things around for His good! And mine! But you know, there is that culture part, I also believe that it is correct and know that I need to watch myself and not let me lose sight of me in the process of another relationship. I want to be that wife who can cater to her man. I want him to lead. When a man leaves all the decisions to me, I don't like it. I also want to be cared for as well. I want to be happy. So I think I really need to be careful. It seems there is a very fine line between my past and my present. Okay, I now see there may be some deep fourth step work involved here, and I need to work on it. I started and stopped just before the grand baby arrived. Therein may lie my answer to why I believe as I do. And what I must do to gain some balance in my life. Thanks for listening.
And a share on serenity that touched me today as well...
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Okay, so they built my cube. I knew it was not going to be ideal. But the CEO didn't care for the design and, at the last minute, changed them for the better. Only thing is my cube only has three walls and is open towards the main hallway of the building. I am pretty much visible to any and everyone who passes by and all the way to the rear of the building. I don't care for it and after a little more tweaking, I still don't. Monday I was asked what I thought of it and how I felt. I was fuming until that point. This was my chance to let the top guy know exactly how I felt! So I did. I do like the space but I feel naked! Referring to the opening in my cube. He did mention it had been changed for the better, and I replied yes, but I still feel naked. Then I explained that was the only gripe I had. Nothing else was said...by either of us. I guessed, well, who knows. I really was not happy and I think you could tell it.
So today I felt better, went to work, but started pouting after I arrived in my cube. I felt like nothing I could say would make any difference. I got angry again. I had to keep asking God not to let me stay angry. Each time I felt it, I had to ask for His help again. It happened most of the morning. Finally it went away after I kept thinking, I can't change this, it doesn't help to complain or be angry about it. Complaining may be okay, but I knew if I did I would just get very smart ass....and that was not going to be professional. I felt quite a bit out of control and I'd better let God handle this because I could tell I was not going to handle it correctly myself! Well, later in the day, actually, for the last two days, people looking into my cube either voiced their opinions about being able to see so much of it; visitors were totally able to see me working and see my PC screen; and my supervisor could see it into my cube too well, I guess. I don't think she liked the view(hmmm). So at the end of the day I hear her saying she wants me closed up a little more. She took others to the rear of the building to show how much she could see and only a small panel is needed to cover me up just enough. Yeah!!!! So now we will see what is going to be adjusted tomorrow! I just started thanking God that I listened and He helped me to deal with it and left it up to Him. He's taking care of it! That I can trust!
This really bothered me to no end today (this morning). I am glad it will be worked out. I can just give it my all again. And just do my job in my new space, which, actually is bigger than my last space, brighter, closer to everything I used frequently and close to the bathrooms! LOL! Okay, I'm done! God is faithful!
Saturday, May 06, 2006
I was paid a very unexpected visit by my ex yesterday evening and this morning. He was coming to see the grandbaby,who was not there yet. I guess they don't have a phone so he can check if we are here. Anyway, he was very uneasy, nervous, or paranoid. It freaked me out but I kept on preparing for the evening. He continued to tell me what had been happening in his life. As expected, things aren't going well. He's going to go to court for domestic violence, they told him he would need a lawyer. He seems to be a little worried about it. Of course, he jokingly said "If only your Mama had married me, I wouldn't be going thru this now." My daughter said, "Oh yeah, I bet that's the real reason, huh?" Then we all laughed. He asked her if he could come back to us. He asked me that yesterday, actually, he didn't ask, he told me he was. "You can't come here" I told him. He keeps saying he's going to leave her, as if that will change our answer. He talks so badly of her and it sounds exactly how the kids and I used to describe him. He called her the Devil. I said, "Man, that's what we thought of you at the time you lived here!" It only makes me think I am seeing him get back what he's given out. That's really kinda spooky too!
She has lost custody of her kids and her family will not allow her to see the kids anymore. I can't imagine how that feels. She is already disturbed, now I can't imagine how she feels. I miss my grandbaby almost the minute he goes out the door, and he isn't even my child. Boy, I just can't imagine, and then she has to put up with this ass of a man. Anyway, I feel bad for her. The kids became fond of her baby too.
Well, I am about to attend a graduation for a friend today. And catch up to my sister later. Another link for Cinco de Mayo in KC! www.fiestakc.org
And another! KCK Events: http://aztecadegreaterkansascity.org/html/events.html
Something else I remembered after posting yesterday. My ex said he didn't like how I was able to find out about my culture so easily. That was his reason for me not to try to find out more or be a part of it and, it somehow changes me. He says he has no history to discover, I find that very hard to believe. They have an entire month devoted to African-American History and more and more of it keeps coming out! Oh, excuse me! There I go trying to figure him out again! Sorry! Bye!
Friday, May 05, 2006
I had the pleasure of attending a concert last night where there were only Mexican entertainers. None of which I knew or have ever heard of! I almost didn't go. I had not been out with this friend in a while and I wanted to spend time with her. She is Mexican as well, when I hang out with her it is very different than any other close friends I have. Her circle of friends are almost entirely Hispanic. I have never hung out with any Hispanic people except for my family and we have adopted the American culture much more so than most other Hispanic families. Or it has just slowly drifted out of our lives little by little. It seems that way anyway. Maybe that is just in my life. Since he really didn't like for me to 'so called' change, I would pursue my interests in my culture for a time and then just let it go when he made too much fuss about it. As I was with so many Mexicans last evening enjoying the concert, I was thinking, how much more of this have I missed - I felt a little sad because of it! I didn't know who this singer (entire family - Aguilars) was, I didn't know the words to the songs, didn't recognize most of the songs, but I had such a good time watching the crowd interact, listening to the music, and trying to understand the language and learning more of it as the night went on. I had a great time! I did have to ask a few times for translation, but for the most part, I understood the language a lot better than I thought I would. If I were asked to translate I would have had a problem though. A lot of what I understood was due to the context it was being used mostly, I understood the gist of the conversation or jokes. The jokes were the hardest to follow, but I think I did good.
It was good to be there although, if I had not been with my friend, I would have felt totally out of place and very uncomfortable. I did notice there was no other culture represented there. Purely Mexican culture was there last night. I heard the gritos(shouts) all around me in response to the songs, and it was very familiar even though my family doesn't really attend concerts like this. I think, I know, my father would have loved this concert. It was available for free to me at the very last minute, and only one ticket. I must find out more of our celebrations around town this weekend and get my dad and maybe my sister to go with me. It is so fun finding out about my culture more and without any hindrances! I am loving it. It really is a journey thru this recovery process. What I used to say was I was upset about having to start all over again, not anymore! Now I am totally enjoying it!
History behind Cinco De Mayo: http://www.inside-mexico.com/featurecinco.htm