Monday, November 27, 2006

Fessin' Up

Thank you all for your words about the loss of my cousin, thank you so much.

Sunday was pretty nice. It was quiet, calm, and church was good. And it was the last day of the long weekend. Man, today wasn't bad but it didn't go well for hardly anyone at work today. I guess no one wanted to be back today. LOL. I know I didn't!

You know, Sunday my ex showed up in church at the same service the girls and I were in. He started texting me to find out if we were there. I told him we were and then he came to join us. It didn't bother me at first, but then he kept just staring at me across the kids. I told him to behave because I know the look he gave me. And I always got it in church. Well, we all went to breakfast and then we talked a little bit before he took the kids home and I went on back to church. My class starts almost an hour after the first service. We (class) eat before the class usually.

This was a nice visit considering the way I felt he was taunting me at the funeral while we were eating. Thank goodness I was able to turn away from him at that time and stop listening. He really pissed me off Saturday. Then he came to explain why he did what he did that day. He wouldn't help me for some reason and it was his girlfriend. She keeps him paranoid I guess even though he isn't doing anything wrong - as far as it goes with me anyway! But Sunday made me want his attention, not him back, just his attention again. And in that short time! I felt uneasy and he's been on my mind. Probably due to no significant other right now. But I can handle it. I know I am exactly where I should be today. And that is with no one right now. Just God, me and my girls. Okay, and my dogs. But for once it felt uneasy and it still does, guess I need to give it to God since I haven't yet! I am glad we have a good relationship between us. And it is funny to see my girls defend me when he says something stupid or out of line. They threaten to tell his girlfriend! And they knew about Saturday and mentioned that. Too funny! Well, just wanted to fess up and maybe now I can leave it alone. Its out and I can give it away. Fess up and get rid of its hold on me! Good Night!

Friday, November 24, 2006

From Hectic to Calm

It's good to be back! I've just been so busy! Many things have happened. I did lose another family member, a cousin on my ex's side. She was very young, 23 or 24, and just had a baby. The baby was only two days old and my cousin passed away from an aneurysm (spelling?). She only had a younger brother and sister left, her mother passed away from terminal cancer two years ago this month, and her father had been shot when she was very young quite a few years ago. So there is very little left of their family. I hope my young cousins will be okay. I can't imagine it, I just can't! I will be going to the funeral in the morning.

More stuff with my youngest daughter, a little friction with my oldest, a little with my family, and a lotta stuff going on at my job that I can't stand much more of. And you know what? It makes me thankful for the program, that even though, I may not let things go immediately, I can still do it eventually. And sooner than I think if I do not give up and let my anger take over. I did kinda blow up at my oldest, but I do realize why. I just held it in for too long and the minute a situation presented itself, there I went. But I didn't feel bad afterwards, I felt good. I know she needed to hear some of it, not exactly the way I did it, but it still needed to be said.

But today I am still grateful. I am not perfect. I do not get it right most of the time, but I am still working and applying my program today. And I know it will take time for me to change all I need to change and I want to change. There was a time when I wouldn't change, accept that maybe I was wrong or not accepting the facts, and I wouldn't do what needed to be done. There is so much work to be done with me and this first year and a half is only the beginning. I am still pretty hard-headed at times or slow to change, but I want to make changes. I am taking my baby steps to get there. I am also very fearful, of what exactly, I don't yet understand. In time I will if I need to know I guess. It will be revealed.

Unfortunately, when I did blow up, my sister was there and she was not used to seeing this in me, I guess it freaked her out a little. I don't know what to think about that one. Anyway, all is well right now. Things seem to be trying to quiet down again. I went to my Friday meeting and it was a good one. So good to be back.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Call of Duty

Today was a tough one. My favorite cousin was deployed to Afghanistan today. I went to see him off and to drive his wife and kids (whom I adore and love) back home from the ceremony. I felt so unprepared for the reaction of his wife at the end of the ceremony. She told me earlier that she had been crying all week. She was angry at him, at the Army for his needing to go. She didn't want to cry. I kept telling her it was okay. That is normal, hell I wanted to cry. It just became reality today. It didn't hit me until today. She will be here while he is gone, and they have a large family. He has seven kids. One is hers and the rest are from a previous marriage and girlfriend. She will have to deal with all that and the fact that he is gone for 18 months. Overseas, she can't drive, the kids are Teens, pre-teens and a four year old! She is preparing to drive though, practicing.

She fell into my arms and cried very hard for a few minutes. She didn't want to go over to him at the end. I gently walked her over to him so she could hug him good-bye. She was a mess and me without Kleenex! Today of all days I forget the Kleenex and my camera! I did get some cell shots of the family and him and her. It really was so moving, I had to stop listening to the speeches given. Even the high-ranking officers doing the talking were choking up! If those men had cried, I would have lost it! Its a thing I have, if a man cries I lose it!

After the bus was loaded she immediately wanted to leave. She didn't want to see the bus go. So I complied, and we left. We talked about her feelings, she vented some more, and we talked about grief. She just lost her brother on Halloween and they rushed to Louisiana to the funeral. She was never told he was sick. So she's quite angry that she didn't get a chance to say good-bye. Her brother died of a heart attack, but had been sick for a while before, but her family didn't contact her. He was only 32! She just turned 30 this year. She has one younger brother left. Her mom and dad are still alive. Well, my Grief Share classes have placed me in the position to help answer her questions. I was able to do that tonight. She seemed comforted by what knowledge I did have on the subject. I felt so helpless in the ceremony, not knowing what to say and then falling apart when she did too. I didn't fall apart as I normally do. I did hold my self together enough I think. She just cut loose. And I held her while she did so. I had no words for her, except that she'll be okay, he'd be okay. And to please call and lean on God for everything. And call me whenever she needs. To vent, if I can help her, I will, whatever. Any time she wants to call please do so. So when she asked me about grief, I felt so good to at least be able to offer her some comfort there about her feelings.

And I got to sort of 'witness' for Al-Anon too. My Aunt asked me about the Friday meetings I go to. She is an Adult child as well and then her husband was an alcoholic too. He's been sober many years now. She really noticed how I am faithful to attend the meetings and asked me if I felt they helped me. So there I went! I went on about how the meetings help me get better and help me understand why I am the way I am. And how they've helped me to change my life. I told her the topic we discussed last night(11th step) and how it has helped me get closer to God. She was pretty interested so I invited her to go with me anytime if she wanted. Just to call me. That was a fun part of the day too! I felt so good to be able to do that too.

I pray that my cousin stays safe and comes back to us safely.
I pray that God's protection surrounds them and the other troops out there daily.
I trust God will protect him while he is away from his family.
I thank God for the opportunity to share what I know from Al-Anon and Grief Share to help someone else.
I thank God for my program that keeps me grounded and in a much better place mentally than I was at this time last year.
I thank God for my growth in the program, and pray for my continued growth.
I thank God for the opportunity to blog about it all here whenever I need.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Stinkin' Thinkin'?

I made it through the annual review. My bosses ideas and new schedule have actually worked. Imagine that. I am actually improving! Another good thing. I did mention this to my friend at work who I am accused of spending too much time talking to on the computer. And this was one thing I knew could not be so in the review, because her and I have stopped talking as much as we used to. We kinda had a thing, a spat, a little bit ago, and I did actually stop sharing so much with her. It seemed like I shouldn't do it anymore. I don't know if I mentioned it on here or not. But she kinda threw it back at me and that was twice and I became a little more reserved about how much I share with her now. So I know it isn't slowing me down at work. My boss sees me using that program and thinks it is always her I am talking to and its really not! I do more communicating with all the branches now. Among others in the company and not for chit chat, its for work. As a matter of fact, I am keeping track of my communication with her myself just as a self-check now.

I feel good about me but tonight I saw my ex. He came by to say hello. Showing off a new outfit. I felt sad and I guess I showed it too. I didn't really know why until he left. I feel like my finances are so tight and I haven't tried to find another job to compensate or to just change jobs to make a difference. And here he comes talking about his new outfit. He just keeps getting new things and I feel like I'm struggling just to make ends meet. If I do spend frivolously, it will hurt me. My car is going downhill. That's another reason to change jobs. The bus doesn't go where I need to go for work. Not to my current job anyway. But my boss is willing to give me a ride if I need it. Amazing. Of course, he is not the owner of his own home, doesn't have utility bills to pay, he does keep a vehicle and it is costing him quite a lot more than my own to maintain, etc, etc. I have a home, car, kids, animals, utilities, cell phones, Internet, telephone, medical insurance for me and the girls, paying student loans, paying off old debts, I have it all really. All I need(and luxuries). Just a little tight on cash and I am finally wanting to do something about it! I want to be where I was financially when he was messing up his money and it didn't matter quite as much because I made enough to handle it all and then had extra after saving. It really hurt but we could make it. I want to be able to make that kind of money again. I want it bad, I want all my debt paid off and mine isn't as great as the normal debt now a days! Mine is pretty small except for student loans really.

Well, I go to church tonight and God reinforces what I have been pondering. Can I live as He wants me to live? Of course I can with His help. In His power, but I keep thinking -- "I" can' t do it. "I" am getting tired. When is it going to be "My" turn to take it easy?! God is talking to me a lot. He is telling me how He is going to bless me. I need to keep working my program, it takes work, but it works if I work it. And I know it works! This program and my new life is an entire lifestyle change, it won't happen over night and I've been doing it wrong since high school! And now I am a grandma(young! Only 38 yrs old!!!!)! I will pray for His strength to carry me through and keep reading, writing, blogging. And work as if I am working for God and not man. And then do something about my situation, because I can, but only with His help. Making sure to consult with Him, trust Him, Give it to Him, Ask Him for it, Even beg Him for it if need be then accept His direction! And I found I am quite hard headed. I still want my way, I am able to change, but certain parts of me I have to really work at to accomplish the changes needed and finances happens to be one area I feel I need to control. There goes that "I" again!

I watched the baby tonight. My daughter stressed out I guess and my oldest had the baby while I was at church. So when I got home the little bundle of joy was at my house! I just laid on my bed with him crawling all over it and exploring. No fuss, no crying. Fed him and he passed out! He was easy tonight. Thank you God for my grandbaby! I saw him and forgot all that was troubling me tonight. He just has that effect on me.

I am grateful for:
My program.
My God who has helped me to be more welcome to change in my life, even if I am hard headed and He has to knock me around a lot to get my attention.
My G-Baby!
My dogs...Lady and Timber.
My recovery books, devotionals, friends, etc.
The fellowships encouraging words I keep getting...Thank you all so much, I need to hear those things!
My job...Really!
My future job!
That my car is still running! It is still getting me there.
My Sponsor, whom I just do not talk to enough. I call once a week. And you know, this week I haven't talked to her! Oh my!
My new found daily time with God, praying, talking, or reading His word.

Geez! Do I feel better! Good Night!

Friday, November 03, 2006

My Annual Review

Boy, boy, boy! What a program does for me! Today I had an annual review. And, it was not real good. Upon my first reading, I felt like I was doing nothing right, like all my efforts where not being noticed, and it made me very angry. I knew I couldn't just blow up on my boss, I was at fault, but from the way I took it, I couldn't understand how I even had a job if this is the way my boss felt! I then had to discuss it today with my boss. She wanted to have a discussion since it was overdue anyway. I felt so not ready to do this since I felt it was so bad. I quickly realized what I was doing to myself, and had to immediately stop my mind from racing. I prayed to take it as constructive, I could see alot was me, but I wasn't willing to accept that I was as bad as it sounded. And it sounded bad. Like I'd said, I couldn't believe I even had the job. So I prayed and prayed to let it go and wait for the discussion, it couldn't be that bad! I put it aside and kept on working. That was a struggle too.

When that discussion time came, I told my boss exactly how I felt. How her review made me feel. Which is not normal for me, actually, in a previous review she said many of the same things and all I did was agree with her although I didn't feel she was totally right on all of it. I had no opinion and just agreed and signed it. It turns out she didn't mean it to sound that bad. I asked her to explain and on one point, she actually couldn't tell me. Then she started adding things in that gave me some praise. Other things started coming to mind when she did this. She was finding the good points and things I've done to help her and lift some burdens she had been carrying. So it turns out even though I was bad, and I was bad! I didn't deny it. I still agreed, but there were positive things that I felt needed to be in my review. And the scoring I didn't understand so that was explained. Which also turned out to not be so bad. And I agreed then with the scoring as an accurate picture of me. I'm so glad I didn't let the anger lead me. And not just accepting it either. I actually spoke up for me for once at work. And it helped me feel so good about me to do it. Much easier than I thought. I thanked God later, He is so good!

Only bad thing is they are going to throw more work at me because she feels I can do more, even still! They may run me out of there too! That may be a good thing though. The strongest point I had in my review was I am making it on time to work and even getting there before my boss! She absolutely loved that although it is not in my report. Hmmmm...I still need to make comments on it too, so it will be...

I am thankful for my program today. It helped me to look at what I thought was a very bad situation in a different way, I struggled but I could think more clearly by backing up and thinking along a different track. And then fully explain myself and listen to her explain herself. It helped me...It helped me...It helped me...and I am so grateful!