Monday, April 30, 2007

Making it through!

I had that rough weekend a couple of weeks ago. Well, maybe last weekend. This weekend was cool even though it didn't go as I wanted it to at all. It was a good weekend. I got my grass cut, it was hurting for that, sadly. But it is done now. My niece's birthday party was Sunday and that was fun. Today I started to feel lonely again! I couldn't get my guy on the phone and of course, I started to plunge into sadness again. I do NOT like that in me. It isn't seeming that serious. Only one day? Not even 24 hours sometimes. I wish that would stop. But its not it is happening more often it seems. But another friend called and we caught up on each other's lives. So I made it through and then the man finally called.

I missed out on an AA celebration weekend due to all the stuff I needed to do around the house. But they taped it all so I can at least purchase who I wanted to hear over the weekend! Happy Day! I will do that soon.

My guy came to cut my grass this weekend, and my daughter was here too. We all three sat and talked after he was done outside. We ate, we chatted a while. She left and he suggested we sit outside. We sat out there quiet mostly, sometimes talking, chatting with the neighbor and watching the dramas play out up and down the block. Mostly down the I felt so good just holding his arm as we sat saying nothing. Actually, I love his arms, he's working out so much now and they are looking mighty good if you know what I mean! I just have to touch them. I need to step it up a notch! I still haven't gotten back into the routine of doing my Taebo every other day as I want to. My stomach is still here! Not shrinking!

There was a man going around shooting up lots of folks this weekend here. At one of the malls in a much better part of town too! He killed his neighbor, took her car, stopped at a gas station and shot a cop there, then went to the mall to shoot up more folks! Then he was killed by the cops. What is going on out here??? My guy told me tonight that he was going to go up to that very mall yesterday when it was happening. He wanted to go to a store they have there and just got busy and didn't go. Thank God! He may have been involved!!!

Today I am grateful for:

~my dogs who love me and crave my attention.
~my guy and his decision to stay home yesterday.
~my friend who called me tonight to catch up.
~my empty (no drama filled) house.
~the ability to relax completely in my house.
~my cell phone pics of the grand baby!
~my Internet connection!!!
~my digital camera pics of the grand baby and life in general.
~Trusting that my God is watching over me in my home life alone.
~the visit from my guy this weekend. Sitting on the porch together.
~my neighbors on both sides, they are good neighbors.
~me wanting to straighten up around here. Live better. Look better.
~my time I spend here, searching and learning about me.
~the time I spend here reading about you all.

Thanks for letting me share...

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Finding my own truth...

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Finding Our Own Truth

We must each discover our own truth.It does not help us if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us.

It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves.

We must each discover and stand in our own light.We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated. That's how we break through our struggle; that's how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.

We can share information with others. Others can tell us what may predictably happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, and our knowledge.

There is no easy way to break through and find our truth.But we can and will, if we want to.

We may want to make it easier. We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our discovery easier. They cannot. Light will shed itself in its own time.

Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours.

Encouragement helps. Support helps. A firm belief that each person has truth available - appropriate to each situation - is what will help.

Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed. Don't give up until you find it - for yourself.

We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone.

Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision and the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries - the ones that are right for us today.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007


Well, after talking to a friend in the program, I discovered that I was expecting a certain result....even though the new guy had told me what he planned to do Saturday evening. I thought I was acting on a change in routine from every weekend. I know that was a sign from my last relationship that my ex was cheating. But I do trust the new guy. I don't have any reason to think badly of his behavior. I knew it was me but I couldn't see what in me was bugging me. I know I hated the way I felt this past weekend. I am also used to him calling me daily, and he still does, so if one day is missed, I start thinking something is wrong! And nothing has changed, he's just not contacted me. And I guess I expected it!

Well, it is sometimes hard to see why I am feeling the way I feel. I should have called my sponsor, I didn't think of it. I thought to call no never crossed my mind. That is pretty weird that I did that. I usually think of calling some one when I feel bad. But this time it didn't happen.

Today, I am grateful to discover this about me. And hopefully I can use this knowledge to maintain my serenity. Cause I surely lost it!!! LOL!

Today, I am grateful to the program for helping to discover the things within me that make me crazy! And to be able with the help of my God, to change those things. Or rather, to allow Him mold me. To call on Him and trust He can do it, because I alone cannot!

Today, I am grateful for the friends I have in the program, and their ability to see within me. And to not be critical but accepting of my nuttiness!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

The Blahs

What a week. I am so glad it is over. I am home tonight. The new guy is out with his friend. You know, I get confused when this happens on the weekend. I don't get why. I think that something is wrong. Anytime he does something different. Maybe its just that the newness of the relationship is now cooling off some. I do not like this feeling - again! I don't feel like doing anything and it almost seems like I get a little depressed. I hate that! But I am not too sad. Just wondering why...and he calls me whenever he is with his friends. Its like he's checking in to let me know what they are doing. I think that's weird too. I don't do that when I'm with my friends. I was gonna go to a new Salsa club tonight but didn't even think about it when he said he was going to be with his friend tonight. I totally forgot it. I had stuff to do here, and, I didn't do them...I think I did maybe half of all I wanted to do. I can't stand that about me either.

But I went to the movies early today and I thought it was going to be a group from church. It wasn't. It was the guy who asked me if we could "hang out" from this past Sunday. We've known each other for a long time and I thought just hanging out was okay. I still think its okay. We talked alot this week. I felt like he was trying to lead me in a relationship kind of direction. Romantic direction. So Friday I had to have a "lets make everything clear" talk with him. He seemed to be wanting that and I didn't' think I should mislead him. He said he wanted friendship and only to have someone to hang out with. So that's where we are today. He seemed pretty sad though. But, his apartment has been closed due to a fire recently and luckily, his apt didn't burn up but it does have smoke damage. So he can't stay there until Monday now. I felt kinda sad for him. He is staying with a friend of his. I felt the need to help him too, when he mentioned he couldn't stay at his own place! Just like I wanted to help the kids earlier this week, I wanted to help him.

I did have a good time with him. He was very polite and it was funny, he kept his distance from me and it was noticeable. In the movie, we sat with one empty chair in between us. I thought, weird, but not for this guy, really. Anyway, the movie was funny. Blades of Glory.

I do know my dogs are glad I didn't go anywhere. They were dying for my attention. All day long! It was eighty degrees here and they wanted to be in the house with me! Well, such was my tomorrow.

Hey...maybe that's who I need to give it HP....hmmm. Night...

Monday, April 16, 2007

Troubled again

So many things are happening again. My kids keep getting in trouble, not bad trouble just money troubles and getting on their feet struggles and I so wish I could help them. So badly! I hurt so much due to the fact that I can't help them in anyway. Not even financially basically. I am not in such good shape myself and I can't do anything. Their father is currently in bad shape himself (which I didn't know) and he can't help either. I feel so bad. I want to help and can't. I guess this is the way it is supposed to be, there must be a reason. This feels horrible. I can't stand it. I can if I try I guess. Just let go of what I can't change. But boy does this hurt my heart.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Monday rantings

I am not doing my exercises again! I keep getting very unmotivated! The new guy is doing his. Like he has a really good reason for it but me, I have a good reasons too, but I'm not doing it! Why! Why! Why?! I can't stand this!

I am grateful that I want to do them and realize I should take care of me! But I am not continuing to do it!

Sorry, I just needed to rant! I can't stand when I won't do what I need to do! I want to get in shape, clean up around here, get things done in the yard and around the house, move my furniture around, unclutter around here!!!! But am I? No! I really hope it is not this new relationship. I spend a lot of time with him. It is just now dying down a little.

There are a few things on my mind. I still need more money. It is just too tight.

I do think about what the new guy thinks about many things. I keep trying to figure him out when I could just ask. But do I? NO!

I feel convicted because I think I should be closer to God than I feel I am. Though, I do feel pretty darn close to God at times. Many times.

Maybe I just needed to confess. Maybe this will help. Now I want to get up and do a little something!