Merry Christmas!!!

Well, I had a nice holiday this year. I spent plenty of time with my family and a little with my bf's family too. They don't hang together so much like my family does. It was nice though. They have lots of different problems too. Different than my own family. It was interesting hearing it. There are always others worse off than yourself. You see how much your own are blessed after hearing others problems or woes.

Bad thing. I've allowed other things get in the way of my meetings. The job is one thing on Thursdays but on Friday's life is mostly getting in the way. I need to discipline myself better and JUST DO IT! Go to my meetings on Fridays at the very least! It will be a while before I can get to the Thursday night meetings again. And now they've moved up to 5 pm again! I still lack in taking care of me mostly at work. I work thru lunch, work late, don't eat or eat too late. Or wait until I feel bad to eat. I am trying to become an early bird which isn't working very well. I try to make changes and can't seem to get them done. At least I recognize and I'm trying I keep thinking. I've forgotten to ask my HP for help too. Things will smooth out when I do that but I forget to do it mostly.

I was surprised by the generosity of my bf this Christmas. I didn't expect it. I guess I expected less. And I even tried to stop it a couple of times. Then I caught my self! What am I doing? Just let him do what he wanted to do for me!

Today I am thankful for:

My family.
My boyfriend.
My dogs.
My time off from work.
My Internet.
My blog time.
My program.
My ability to see what I need to change.
My willingness to change those things I need to change!
The many blessings I have which I can appreciate now and not take for granted.
My Heat!!! Not so far away from here is St. Jo, whose power took a hit a couple of weeks ago and stayed out for quite some time!!!!
My car - dependable even with a problem.
Those new tires my dad fussed at me about getting(another thing I didn't take care of me immediately as I should have).
The free Ham and Turkey I was blessed with this season!
Christmas time!

Merry Christmas!!!!

Workaholic...

Talk about unmanageable! I have worked so much this week. As is expected in Accounting, but this job has gotten to be quite ridiculous on the overtime hours. Especially for me in a salaried position. It is really crazy. But my job does need to be done. I don't know what to think. OR what to do. Its payroll. All manual by the way. ALL MANUAL!!! Its only a local company but I am not very fast when it comes to calculating cards. I can do ten-key by touch but it really isn't the way we do them. We use a spreadsheet on Excel to calculate the cards. It still isn't faster it seems or I am just really slow. I don’t' know which it is. It is my first payroll job where I am in full charge of everything. That's new. I've only calc'd cards before and that was all I had to do. Here I calc them, code them, enter them, print them, and then distribute them. I do it all. I do have help. I guess I am just fussing. It will get better. I hope anyway. I love the job, I really do. I actually love it! I like who I work for and who I work with. I don't care for my boss' tone sometimes but I don't take it personally. I can thank my program for that. I am so tired today(Friday). I worked way too long last night and couldn't help it! I need a meeting but I am too tired. Maybe Sunday night I'm thinking. My car needs the rest anyway. Hopefully, it will be fixed tomorrow(Saturday)!

This was the kind of thing my ex complained about when we were together. I totally see it now. But now I am in a slightly different position. My job needs to be done to a certain point each Thursday and any thing less means I am behind. So I don't get it. Its been five months and I'm not getting any faster! It seems. She said give myself six to get it all, but of course I'm very impatient and it isn't making anything any better. And she seems to be losing patience too. Needless to say I am a bit worried. I love it but I am worried.

Thankful for the job God has provided...I pray he gives me the ability to perform it better, in a speedier manner!

I thank God for the man in my life. Even though I won't make a move he is still helping me around here. Improve my place so winter won't be so hard. But I need to be pushed to do it!

I just thank God for having so much patience with me...I am so hard headed sometimes....well, lots of times!

I thank God for my program too.

Strong feelings today

I attended a Memorial Service today for a friends mom. I did get a bit worked up while I was there. When they were describing her. It made me miss my mom. It made me wonder what I'd like said about me. Got me thinking about my life. I am very happy with it. Most of it anyway. I wish I'd handle my finances better, well, I am but it will take me a while to progress to where I wished I was. I am always so slow to make the moves I know I need to make. I keep praying for me to get better at that. But I am still not moving. Its like I am afraid of something happening. Or maybe that I may make the wrong move. It is almost like I am still with the addict who is now out of my life! Still it was good to see a couple of friends and some Al-Anon folks!

I also couldn't get in touch with my bf tonite. I've had him around a lot lately and I felt bad that I couldn't help him with his situations. I couldn't get in touch with him today and I instantly thought something was wrong. I think I'm so weird with these suddenly so strong but wrong feelings. I thought he was mad at me since he wasn't returning my calls or texts. It came on me so strongly that it was over between us and I felt it was because I refused to help him with his needing a ride to work. He goes in very early and I don't. And the couple of times I've taken him in early, I've hurt so bad all day at work, that I really can't do my job well. It is very noticeable and taxing on me. So I said no. And based on his reaction, I think it was very unexpected. But he agreed. Then when I couldn't get ahold of him, my mind started to going and kept on going. I hate that! I think too that my daughter being here last night kept me company. I love it when they come visit, but then I feel needy when no one is here. I can even have plans and when I get like this, things go so crazy for me in the emotional department!!! I get weepy and lonely-acting. I can't stand it but it happens and I always end up over-reacting to nothing! Tonight it was nothing once again. At least I think it was nothing.

Well. I could still be thinking about Mama too...I get pretty weepy when I've stirred up thoughts of her. And the Memorial service today did that.

Progress here...Backtrack there

It seems that I am making progress at home. Though at the same time, I am going backwards at work! I am slowing down there. And that is not a good thing. I think my boss was stressed this week. She seemed very irritated and moody all week.

At home I am getting a little bit more done. I am loving that. But I'm on late again and I'm tired. So this will be continued soon...

I did find some very hard to find music I loved and it was stolen from me twice!!! I had not been able to replace it for years since then. My sister located it and I made the purchase today! I am so looking forward to it arriving. It is Christmas music and Contemporary Church Hymns sung by popular Christian music singers. I so enjoyed these tapes!!!! I wore them out and found CDs for some but not the Christmas music! I found one! I am making copies of them all and NOT going to carry the originals any more!!! That is my treat to me for this week! And should be until Christmas!! It wasn't a large amount of money but more than I expected to pay. But very hard to find music that gives me so much joy! I am very satisfied!

A little progress...a little...

Well, its been a while and I am finally getting a very little something done around here. I wish it were more, but it is a start. I am working long hours still and when I get here, I want to just relax or go to sleep! I can't wait for church tomorrow! I have been skipping, though I went back last week, I miss hearing the word. I love my church.

I have started exercising but I do need to just make it a little more regular. It is getting to that time of year when I will definately gain weight if I do not exercise - since I don't exercise very much control over the amount of treats I eat. I want to try everything!

I have a friend whose mom went into the hospital last night and it really didn't sound good at all. It brought back to me all those feelings when my mom was about to pass. It all just rushed back quite strongly too. Well, today she is doing much better, responsive again and speaking. She had a tumor removed earlier this year and it was an incredible difference and a good recovery. Unfortunately, it is back and has spread fast this time. I hope she comes out well and stays around a few more decades! That's my prayer, and I'm stickin' to it!!!

Well, I missed my meeting Friday. I stayed late at work and then got home and just sat in front of the TV! I was not wanting to do anything but sit there! I was a couch potato all night. I had a shoe catalog too! I was dreaming of what I wanted out of it! Not broke, just cheap, too cheap sometimes. I need stuff!

Today I am grateful for:

My program.
My church.
My dogs.
My life.
My kids.
My grand baby.
My car.
The quiet me time God so obviously wants me to have. I need to have it with him!
My God, who keeps giving the time to be with him...but do I recognize it! NO!
Visits from my kids.
My home.
My PC.
My Internet.
My blog, which has helped along with journalling in my program.
My friends in Al-Anon.
My job, I still love it!
My new bottle of Lime Verbena body lotion! Oh my gosh it smells so good! Almost like the Bath and Body works one I love so much but won't buy since I'm so cheap!!! But it ain't cheap for a small bottle of lotion!

Unmanageable???

I've been kinda mopey today. Feeling down and, lonely? No, not lonely. My girls where here most of the day and the grand baby too. I just feel weird. I not real sad but down a little bit. I have needed a lot of rest lately and I actually got some today. I did nothing. I was so happy to make it to my kickboxing class again today, but it was cancelled. Well. I was looking forward to that.

I still don't want to do anything around here either and I start and then quit! I can't stand it. I feel like I need help but I don't want to ask for it. I feel like I should be able to do what I need to do around here too. With out any one's help. Its my place, I should be able to take care of it! But I am very slow at changing in that area. I'm not even online as much as I used to be and I still haven't done much of what I need to do around here. Maybe I should just admit my life is unmanageable in this area and get working to apply my program here....hmmm. Maybe that's a start.

Feeling good about me today!

Boy! Finally it is slowing up a little. My workload is increasing but, I am getting a start of a good flow. Still going pretty fast but I feel like I can keep up now! I wish my speed would improve sooner, I always do! My job is a very manual job, lots of manual stuff! I am so used to everything automated. So I am very slow at it. I don't get how my support does it so quickly! I really don't but she has done it for many years and I am just starting to do it, so I really can't compare to her at all!

My support is an older retired woman, she loves doing payroll, and she is very good at it! She is having a very hard time letting go of it. I don't know how long she's been doing it before I got there. But she is seriously fast and has the flow down. I think I had a hard time letting her go too, I enjoy working with her. And I've not had an office before, its tucked away from everyone and I do enjoy her company. I want her to work with more often, but I do have to be able to do the payroll alone, she likes taking trips and I can see she will not be around very much at times. When she wants off, she will take off!

I felt so good when today I got to a point I wanted to reach prior to going home! And my limit was 7pm. I made it! Right on the dot! I've been trying to make it week after week, and finally I've made it! I am still slow but I made my first goal! Now I can improve upon it! I hope tomorrow goes as well as today. I can be checking my work by the end of the day and not stay so late! That's tomorrow's goal. I will need to go in early to accomplish it I think, so that's what I'll do. I did a lot of praying too today, for the ability to do my job as I need to!

Today, I am grateful for:

• the job my God gave me! I still love it!
• My dogs who love me so much, and are so glad to see me when I finally get home!
• the little Mexican restaurant near my home! I love their tacos.
• My grand baby! He's so beautiful.
• My kids, they love me so much too!
• My Partylite candles
• The good feeling I got for reaching my goal tonight!
• God meeting my needs, and giving me the ability to take care of me!
• My willingness to change. God granting me the ability to change!
• My time here!
• Enough money for my bills
• My Internet connection
• My troubles, they help me grow.
• My car! My small gas tank!!!
• My TV!
• Exercise that makes me feel great!
• Wanting to break a bad habit!
• My favorite foods in the fridge!

Slowing down!

Today I am staying home! I still have a lot going! But I am staying home and taking care of home today! I am going to my Sunday School Class and the one tonight! But the rest of the day is for home! I'm feeling very tired but good about me today.

Running - Running - and more running!

Well, since my last post I am still working late sometimes. Its lightened up but now I am just doing too much outside of work. I want to do everything with everybody and I am wearing myself out! I need to just relax and do nothing. Or catch up on some things I need to be doing!!! Like housework! Handling my finances better! Relaxing!!! Okay, that's my update! I gotta go to bed now!

Heck of a day today was!

Hey! My sponsor called me this morning! It was so good to hear from her. She's been thru a few things lately! And since I haven't been to my meetings, she decided to call! It was very good to hear from her! I wish I spoke with her more often. I guess I feel like I am bothering her so I don't call. Bad girl again!

Today was such a nice quiet day at work! It was weird. But the boss took us all out to lunch today. Everyone was hard at work today too. We ate Chinese. It was a really nice place. An unexpected surprise. I like those days! Well, no issues arose today.

I wish my speed was a lot faster than it is. I know it takes a while for me to build it up. Then one day it'll just kick in and I'll not have to worry about my speed anymore. I know how I am. Slow to get there but watch out when I get there!

Well, I guess there is one issue gnawing at me...I am not taking care of my business here at home. First I am tired or gone all the time and I sell Avon too. And I am not handling that like I feel I should! And I am supposed to be doing some accounting work for a friend. Its not happening. I really want to do that but I'm not making time for it! I wish I'd do what I know I need to do! I need to give it to God I think and then do some things that make me uncomfortable each day just so I get things done! That's how I think I should approach that! Just do something regardless of what I feel about it!!! I keep saying "I don't wanna...I don't feel like it!" Not good once again.

Hmmmm, am I being to hard on me? But they are all pressing issues to me...I don't know.

Today I am grateful for:

1. My two dogs who love me so much. Poor things, they are here all day long alone. They fuss at me all night when I'm here. They don't like my absence.
2. My DSL being back on!!!! Yeah!!!!
3. My Sponsor's call this morning!!! Actually that should have been number one!!!
4. My car. I love it.
5. My job, its not easy, but very fulfilling. I love it.
6. My coworkers, they are all cool.
7. My sissy, and her post about me on her blog! Now I can handle it...in the past it would've been so different.
8. That Chinese we had for lunch today!!!!
9. My baby who paid me a visit tonight!
10. My other daughter who didn't visit tonight!!!
11. All you guys out here who visit me! Thanks for reading!

Working on me!!!

Well, just call me the work-aholic! My hours are getting better now but I still am very tired. Still working alot. I really need to get back to exercising. That will make me feel better and not be so tired! But surely here soon, I will get a routine and things will smooth out!

I think my boss really liked a guy that left. He made sure we all had lunch at a descent time! Since he's been gone we aren't so good to ourselves in that way. And I mean he really did. We could count on it. Now that he's gone, we are all doing our own thing and many times she goes very late if at all! Not good. I do need to work on that myself but I think she wants me to ask her and do the same things he did. Which I will not be committing myself to do! I can't do it for me most of the time. Luckily, I don't feel a pull from inside to do this for her either, but I do notice it when she wants it. She hesitates and will not actually ask, she waits for me to ask her. Every now and then she will stop and ask, and then she'll treat me! So of course I'll go! Won't turn down a free meal! And I can get what I want!

So I need to work on taking care of me and that also includes rest. I don't get that like I should. And it is all me!!! I keep wanting to stay up late knowing I need my rest! Bad girl! Bad girl!!! I am so hard headed with that!

I am still missing my meetings but I don't feel that I am losing myself in my work or making bad mistakes. I struggle with the same stuff I've always had a problem with and now I keep thinking of all the things my ex used to say about me working so much. So it is on my mind to keep my self balanced as much as I can!

And look at me!!! Still up! I gotta go to bed! Nighty nite!!!

Check out my sissy's blog if you get a chance!!!

http://isa-scifantasy.blogspot.com

Coming up for air!!

Well, this week was a really bad week! I thought it was going better at my job and then I was slammed with it all on my own during (of all things) month-end and a holiday pay week, new people, new jobs, and what else could we throw in???!!!! NOT FUN! NOT FUN! But VERY much a learning experience!

I miss my meetings, I kept thinking what am I gonna share? I am so tired at times I can't think. But who cares? I can share that! I miss seeing everyone! I miss releasing my pressures, which I am doing but not to recovering folks! LOL! The outsiders are getting my pressures!

And I notice one recurring behavior that I am not keeping a grip on...that is saying, NO. I don't say it but that is what I'll do. I won't do it or not show up, or avoid them. Or something to that effect. But where that has changed is at work. I do know my limits there and they are quickly voiced. But outside of that, there is no point where I have said NO unless I was seriously tired and just not willing to do anything more. I think it should come before I reach that point, but I'm still working on it! I need to get back into the habit of exercising, and I am eating a little better(but I still could do better), and doing my daily readings, both recovery and in the spiritual department. Although, I guess they are both really one and the same!!! But you know what I mean, bible readings and recovery program readings. I miss them all! I do read on the weekends in the mornings, but most of the time I am distracted it seems, and its just not the same.

And, I keep offering help that I should not be offering. Well, let me rephrase that. I keep getting ready to offer help that I should not be offering. In the case of my bf, I tend to offer it at times but then I stop. I got spending happy to with my new found breathing room due to my new job. I did handle and am still handling a few fires and mountains I'd built, but it is calming down and I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel now. But I did get me a few new pairs of shoes, sandals and I need more clothes for work! I spend more on my electronics than anything else besides food! And my clothes I tend to not want to spend a lot of money on. But my hours are such that I can't make it to any thrift stores at this time and that is where I want to go! I've recently heard of a few good ones lately I need to check out!

I go home, pass out, then get up and go the next day! Five days a week! So I'm not doing anything at home either! I'll be glad when I get a routine and get back exercising so I won't be so tired and gone so long anymore! And that will start tonight with a new kickboxing class at church!!! That'll get me going!!!

The G-baby is here!!!! Gotta go!

Today I am thankful for:

My beautiful grand son who will be here so I can get new pictures of him for my cell phone!!!

The ability to finally pay off some debt, replace my printer with a new one, get new stuff, etc.

The opportunity to get fit and not have to pay for a class! My church is offering free kickboxing classes! One is on-going and the other is a 12 week class of basics.

To have so many old and new friends around me and wanting to hang out! So I get to do many different things! A nice variety of things!

My health, the willingness to start caring for me and the ability to see when I need to make a move!

My car!!!

My church!!!

My recovery friends and those who care about me and want to see me succeed!

My blogosphere family!!!! I miss you guys too...Thanks for sharing!

Tired, tired, tired!!!!

Phew! I am a tired Mammasita!!! Just saw the grand baby after a long day at work! He was quiet and ready to pass out - like me! Good night!

Happy HNT!!!

Back Online BABY!

OMG! I am finally back online again! AT HOME! I started my new job on the sixth of August! I have been so busy and tired. Long hours (for right now) heavy workload. No time to surf at work anymore! I am really liking this!!! Well, I am again really tired so it will be a very short post. All is going well. I am glad I dont' think I do not need my meetings. Though, with such a few dealings that trouble me, I am at a loss of what to share. I guess I think it needs to trouble me to share it!

I really enjoy my new boss, she's great. I like the fact that she is allowing all of us to increase in skills here. And she is there as often as we need her. She is very very busy herself.

My BF's birthday is today! He didn't want to do anything special. I think he may have wanted to see me but he didn't ask. My end-of-the-day did not go well and I ended up staying late! Wah! Checks to get out!

Okay, what's troubling me is: I am so tired I do nothing around the house! Nothing! No Avon, no chores, nothing! I did finally get the grass cut! Tonight! I paid someone to do it! FINALLY! Well, one good thing was done around the house!

Oh, and I went to the Chiefs game last week!!!! We sucked but I had fun!

Okay gotta go to bed! Bye!

Tidbit post...

The Chiefs are playing today!!! Yeah! Football is back!!! I love it! I'm going to hang with the girls and see the G-Baby! Its been two weeks! I've been so busy with my new job and late hours, learning and getting familiar with my duties there! I haven't seen my man either. He has a friend in town too and so he's busy. Anyway, I'll see both sometime this weekend. I am very tired. I need to adjust my sleeping patterns. I guess the heavier workload is not what I am used to. I need to take time to sleep as I need to. My body is telling me to change my patterns and I am fighting it but, I think I'd better not. My body is winning this time. I have a longer drive to and from and in this 100+ or - heat! That is probably what is getting me so tired - the heat! Daily high 90's and humidity. Its a weird thing that I do. I have a car which has AC, but do I use it? No! I am trying to conserve gas and the AC does run it down. Maybe, I will change that now too. Gas has dropped a bit in price but I still have lots of catching up to do with my bills yet!!! I see a lot of us are getting this heat too so I am not alone! I'm really liking the new job I have to step up the exercise too! It is helping! I'll be so glad to get my DSL back! Soon! I still miss every one!!! Hope to read you soon - still!

Romans 8:28 coming to pass!!!

Things I feel I need to work on are steadily popping up here recently. I have the urge to help and to keep offering the help even if I am refused. My bf has gone thru some things lately that he needed to handle and I wanted to help instantly! And I was actually surprised at myself for feeling so strong an urge to help. But thank God for my program because I was in a struggle with myself! And it really is a struggle. At least the logic of the program is winning a majority of the time. And my bf doesn't want me to help him in certain areas. He doesn't want to be dependent on anyone is the feeling I'm getting. So I feel blessed to know him. It benefits me for him to be the way he is!

I'm in such wonder that I can leave it alone so much sooner than I actually feel I could do before! You know God is so good to me and I do keep asking for His help on a much more constant basis. Although not as constant as I feel it should be, I know I am improving. And asking for His forgiveness faster when I do opposite as He's directed me. Or when I don't trust Him as I know I can! He's proven himself over and over to me and there are things I've seen Him do for me what could only be His hand in those situations. But still I need to be redirected many times. I do feel it is a good balance of disobedience and obediance to the spirit! That may sound funny, but I really feel His presence and direction in my life recently. Like an Al-Anon dad says, "When you give it up, God shows up!" And that is definately the case in many of my recent situations.

So my struggling so much will ease up for me some now. Still there are things(one major) that I need to handle that God has given me clear direction on and I am being hard head. So if you are into praying for folks, lift me up on this situation. Its not my only situation, but it is currently the most important one right now. But you know, I've recently run into an old friend who has the ability to help me in that area and that actually may make it much easier for me to go ahead and handle it with his help. And this situation brings up a trust issue with me. I won't move due to trusting people with my financial information and their help. I really don't like anyone in that area of my life! Not even when I needed assistance and had to apply to get it. I don't care who it is, I hate giving up information about me. Funny...and I'm doing a blog! LOL!

Another friend I recently told about my new job had told me something very informative when I was complaining about the job I was leaving. I'd mentioned that I wished I had focused more on finding a job sooner than I did. I could have been gone sooner. She said "No, God had His purpose for you being there. It came right when He wanted you to have it, in His time. What did you learn?" And she said it with such authority and waited for my answer! She was right. Another friend had recently said something similar to me when I said I was still looking. He'd said, "How can you be trusted with more when you don't treat this job correctly? You need to do right for your current job first!" Not in those exact words, but that was the gist! And now I'm on the way up! Once again. And the skills gained here actually were what the next employer found most interesting. The very skills I felt I did not need for my career is all I was asked about at each interview! I started seeing all my thinking had been wrong concerning what I needed!!!! Isn't that funny?!

My attitude change towards my job made it bearable to do...the bonus at work I didn't except helped me to get a car...getting the car put an end to limiting myself to only seeking jobs nearby within my city....with my car I was able and willing to apply to jobs further away that I did not even consider....who needed the skills I was currently using!

Lord, thanks for being there for this hard-head chick! Just really thankful for all my situations because I really see them coming together for my good! Bad and Good ones! All of them worked out for my benefit in the end.

New Job!!! New chapter in recovery!

Yeah! New job! I'm loving it. I wanted into a different area of accounting and I'm finally there! It is going to have an effect on my Thursday night meeting but I'll make it. I may only be late or not be able to attend for a while! Wah! I will be able to continue with the Friday meeting.

My dad's birthday just passed and it was fun, Strouds is a good place to eat around here. They are famous for their fried chicken. It was very good this time. Father's Day it needed to be less greasy. But the chicken was excellent Thursday.

It has been a bit of a struggle with all the stuff lately going on. It has been a test of a few of my traits I needed to work on in my recovery obviously. I just realized I needed the work when things started happening around me. I wanted to help out a friend and he isn't allowing it. But its good for me, and I know that, but I still wondered why isn't he letting me help? I did have to work at letting it go. I offered help and it wasn't needed. Anyway, I know I need to work on me in that area. I did understand that it was good he didn't want me to help and wanted to handle his stuff himself, but I felt the pull within me to keep pressing to help! It was pretty strong! Kinda shocking!

I'm glad today that I can recognize that and stop myself from continuing on! And causing some turmoil. I still do certain things that I know irk my friend. I do offer and then say stupid crap that I know needed to not be said. I need to learn to say I'm sorry for that. I haven't. Anyway I'm still happy with me in my recovery. And its only been two years, going on my third!

Obsessing? Or Normal Worry?

Okay, I'm back. I continued to look for my missing man. I could not help but wonder what happened. All this after finding out he had not contacted his daughter either. So, I did finally find out from a friend of his. Unfortunately, I'm sure you can guess. He is okay. Not where he'd want to be but okay. I will wait for his okay to post his journey but I'm sure I don't need to.

Anyway, I am just wondering if my search was obsessing or not. I didn't go out of my way to see if he'd made it back but I went along my normal business (Avon) in which I also see his family (couple of them), my ex's family, and my friends and conveniently nearby one of his friends. His daughter was a little out of the way but not by much. So this is how i found out the situation. I was always able to find my ex. ALWAYS! He did not like that since I was placed in some pretty dangerous situations and was acting a fool to get him home! I was uncomfortable to approach his friend, whom I thought would have heard something. And I was right. He had. He gave me the info along with more and what I really didn't need. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. But I thanked him and went about my business. So then I was not obsessing about what happened anymore. All was better.

I did talk to my sponsor and it was a very long good talk we had. Each person who knew the story suggested action and I finally did try some action but was not allowed. So I was powerless once again. But all is well. Great now I can get back to me.

My oldest got her own place and she's loving it. She just got in there this weekend. I hope she's fine there. I do not like the neighborhood but it is not something we are not familiar with! Chaos and crime. She has no children, and does not live alone. Her friend from high school lives with her. I'm glad she did it. I just wish it was a nicer area. Well, back later with more....

Today I am grateful for answered prayers!

Sunday's here!

I like Sundays. I relax on Sundays. Today I am not. I am keeping busy and hoping to get SS of my mind today. Anyway I am not acting on my impulse to go by and see if he is there again! He has a couple of messages from me and that is one voicemail and couple of texts. No more! Someone suggested hunt him down. I think not. I do care, I am upset, but I can't do that anymore and I am not chasing a man these days. If he wants to contact me he will. No need to get crazy again. I just hope he's okay. Once I got out of my cheating on me phase, the is he hurt one started!

I did talk to a friend in Al-Anon today. Of course, we joke around so much that I did think it would make me feel better. It did. But sometimes Mr.J is a little harsh. He did suggest a road trip! Sounds excellent! Well, I hope my funds cooperate! They have not lately! I don't see it but maybe if I really want it! Maybe God will let me have it. That would be a nice getaway! I haven't done that in quite some time!

I still haven't spoken to my sponsor! Bad sponsee!!! Okay misspelled but I don't know what the correction is! Anyway, happy sunday! My cuz went to church with me and I enjoyed her company. I think I will go home and play some games on my pc. Or get some things done around my house. Maybe talk to my sponsor finally!

Today I am grateful for

Sunday
My Al-Anon friend
Life no matter what...

Ups n downs today...

Still a rollercoaster ride. Well, I'm still missing you all but will be doing some reading today. I feel like I am running too much and doing for others in this new car. I am not taking care of home. And for some reason I feel like I am not taking care of my man. Not that I should be. The time spent with him has been a lot less recently. Either of us is really trying to contact each other. And of course I feel I've done something wrong. But I haven't. I know he is the type of person who would tell me if something was on his mind, but I just have a weird feeling that he is not. And then this weekend, he is just no where to be found. No where, no call, no text, nothing. Totally not like him really. Very uncharacteristic of him. I'm not the only one leaving messages, his friends are too.


On a lighter note, my aunt did go home that weekend. She is doing better but still a very low blood pressure.

My youngest child turned twenty-one this week! And she is kicking it all weekend. I missed out on baby sitting the grand baby. :( A friend and I were trying to go to the drive in tonite and that didn't work out. I wanted to call her but got a little obsessed by my BF being MIA! And I think these are the feelings I got when my exBF started cheating on me. Only at first I was content since things were not good between us. Instantly that is what I initially thought. But I think I am jumpy like that. It really isn't anything new. Well, so much for trying not to obsess! LOL! But this IS where I am getting it out.


I did get my car worked on today. My mechanic disappeared on me too! So I went back to my dad's. I didn't have the money to replace the parts so again, my dad helped out. It was way less than I thought it was gonna be. That was excellent.


I did go to a Spa Party given by one of my friends. I felt bad that I couldn't buy anything to help her out. I felt like I came for the food. But I like and miss her company. I enjoy hanging out with her and her friends - they are so positive. It was so very nice. A very relaxing afternoon. You would not believe it. Just ladies and spa treatments for all! That was great! I need to really talk with my sponsor, we are just bad. We don't talk as we should and I still haven't completed my fifth step!

Well, done obsessing but probably not the last of it.

Tonight I am grateful for:
An empty house! I could mope as I wanted and not worry about anyone else wanting to know what is going on.
My love me unconditionally dogs!
Those in Al-Anon I can contact tomorrow.
My God who is always there to comfort me. Whom I can lean on anytime.
My church where I can go tomorrow to lift my spirits.
The Word, so I can get closer to my God on an anytime basis!

Well, what an interesting while its been. My life jumped very busy suddenly and I've just been along for the ride. I have an aunt in the hospital, a couple of situations that tested my faith and my distance I've come in recovery, and then some. And the opportunity to help out, well, be there for a friend or two.

But you know God has been very good to me. Very good to me. I have had to work quite closely with the utility companies to get my bills under some form of control and keep my services on while I spend money on my cars needs. Not repairs,just the things I need to handle prior to me being ready within a month to have its plates, taxes paid, blah, blah, blah! Well, I'm okay and missing my Internet, but it is a luxury! And now I have a backup. So I can use it for a bit. Anyway, money is still very tight, but hopefully I can adapt to having less and lowering my bills, living on a budget and still getting things done! Hopefully there is someplace new in store for me as well! I've missed reading everyone again! I don't get enough time at work to read or do anything like that. I must do what is needed online while I have the access!

I had a friend whose mom went in to the doctor to find out she had a brain tumor. Surgery to have it removed, and it has been found to be malignant. He asked for prayer and I visited with him and his mom in the hospital. I really never know what to say at times but I know they enjoyed my company.

More later...

Missing my Internet!!!

Hi All! I have been gone just busy with life and I had to let a few things go to get my car in shape and legal for the road! I wasn't ready for those expenses and so something had to go! My Internet was first!!! Wah!!! Man, I'm hurting too! Or nickin' I should say! Anyway, I'll be back soon I hope! Bye!

My car

Tiny little thing isn't it? Nice though! I'm so loving it! And today we had thunderstorms producing HAIL! Not in my hood nor at my job, so no dings in it from hail. Previous dings yes, new dings, No... Yeah!

On a sad note, the girl who was missing from Overland Park was found dead in the Longview Lake area. OP is considered a part of the Greater Kansas City area. Longview as well. So both are close by. This came up in my CodA meeting today. She said she felt so helpless to do anything about such a thing and thinking about us single women in the group. How it could have been us. We are a close knit group, small but close. We care about each other so much. And we are missing a couple others lately, you know who you are! Come back!!!!

They treated me out to a meal tonight for my 2nd year anniversary with the group! I'd never been before so it was a treat! Fun night out with the ladies! I was so happy to see them and be there to vent my frustrations from the last two weeks. I've missed two weeks not feeling good and car problems. And work isn't helping anything, not even my wallet. I'm so glad the ladies are there to vent to and whine to, so I can get it off my chest. And maybe start moving on with what needs to be done....

Today I am grateful that I am still running on the same tank of gas from Sunday's fill up! That's a $60 difference!

I am grateful for the group! The new healthier friendships I have in CodA.

My grandbaby! Who smiles and runs to me when he sees me! He melts my heart way too fast!!!

It's a new car!!!! -to me anyway-

Yeah! The car my dad found yesterday is the mine now. It is very nice! I did what immediately needed to be done and now, its fine. One kinda more than minor thing but at least not expensive. Not very! But my money is really tight and I owe my dad who is so glad to have me in a descent car. I love it!! My first foreign one. Its a Nissan Sentra 95. Power sunroof, nice, nice, nice! I was just thinking yesterday how badly I needed to find one. My father totally left it up to me to decide and I almost said no....but I kept asking God to guide me and here I am in it now. I was a really good deal. I haven't seen one near as nice and I wasn't even looking at cars newer than 90 - 91! And they were almost as much and had major stuff to fix! So off to do my Avon and check on a relatives house who is out of town! I so love it!


I thank God for this blessing!

I am grateful for my kids who got me out of bed this morning to go to church. I was gonna skip!
That was a rare thing for them to come.

I am grateful for my grand baby, who freaked out in the nursery this morning and I went to calm him down. So I just stayed with him in the nursery till the end of service. Our church is now pod casting? So I think I can hear this mornings sermon later today or when I want?

I am grateful the church provided lunch today for free for the congregation. Like I said, my money is tight!

I thank God I am keeping to my scheduled exercise routine, and I feel good!

Thanks for listening! I will be getting around to read everyone soon! By mid-week is my goal!

Busy with Life!

I'm back! Sorry for the absence but it seems everyone else is busy too with life! And its nice outside! I have been out and about alot! My cousin was in town too for a while to see his son graduate. I haven't seen that guy that told me I wasn't a "good Mexican woman" anymore and that's good. Not that I am holding anything against him. I did have to keep giving it to God and now I'm good. I went out with my cousin's wife last night and that was fun. She needed to get her mind off the fact that her hubby is headed back to Afghanistan for ten months now. She gets depressed easy. Very easy and tends to stay in it longer than she should. I dont' know if she can help that or not. I would think not, so we get her out to get things off her mind. And so she doesn't just dwell in it! She has recently gone through a lot. They both have.

Anyway, life has been good and I still haven't found another car yet. Wah! I am so dying to get one but the process seems very slow since I can't travel much and gas prices are so high. I am seeking to buy a used car from and individual and it is taking longer than I thought. I wanted to buy the first one I saw!!! It did seem like a good deal to me, but, my dad said no. So here I sit! Well! just got word he found a Sentra for me so lets see!!! Maybe this weekend is my weekend!!!

It was great spending time with my cousin and his family. Now he's gone. I will miss him!

Mama Day Weekend

Very good week for me this past week. I am still working on some issues but I am content with my life. I finally have the money I need to get a car and a little to spare. I am very slow at moving though, and gas just jumped over $3 here! I need help finding and choosing one. I am not good at that. Maybe I just need to pray about that huh?

My work week went pretty well. Good days, I got lots done. I am finally catching up my filing from a while back when our receptionist was out a unexpected week. Among various other days prior to that! I felt good at the end of the week that so many things were done and I was basically looking for work to do.

Friday's meeting was good but I could not get my thoughts together well enough to share effectively I think. So I kept it short and to the point! Then I saw my man after that. We went our separate ways on Saturday and I got to go shopping with my sister and her husband. We went shoe shopping and window shopping too. I found a pair of sandals I wanted and decided on them. My kids had been shopping for me and said they did not like the pair I wanted and I was not going to get them for Mother's day! So I got them myself! Well, I found another pair I liked a lot but not available in my size. So I gotta go online for them!

Sunday came and I went to church to meet the girls there. My kids had partied the night before and they overslept so I didn't get to see them. I went to church with SS and it was a very small church and it was very nice. It's been a very long time since I've been in another church. And even longer for a small one like this one was. I was very nice though. Everyone knew one another...well. I got lots of looks, but overall they were very nice. Many spoke to me and welcomed me and I got a very cool pen! I love it! I do not know if I mentioned...I am in an interracial relationship with SS, and his church is a small mostly all black church. I am Mexican. A very light Mexican. So I was actually expecting some dirty looks even in church, and maybe that was wrong on my part. I didn't get what I expected. Some surprised looks but not dirty looks.

But Sunday was great! After church we ate at a local Soul Food Buffet, which I thought would be better but it really was not to great. It was good. Just not what I had heard which was great. Later we went to his place and then to the movies to see NEXT. It was good. Hadn't heard about it much but it was good. Then I went home to wait for my girls, and only one made it but I did see them Monday. They both bought me some shoes. One casual tennis shoe and one dressy open toed wedge for work or casual.

My Mother's day was great. I hope all yours were too. I missed the Fiesta here again, but there's always next year. I just couldn't get down there. But I had a lovely weekend. I didn't have such a great Monday, I missed work due to a migraine. Not enough rest sleeping on the couch! I was so tired so I stayed home. And something did sit well with my stomach either. Anyway, it was still great! My dogs appreciated my presence at home all day with them though! They loved that!

Awaking to a better day.

Today I feel so much better. I tended to the grand baby yesterday evening. Which kept my mind on him and not on me anymore. Until I started writing. Then the events of the day came back. And instead of focusing on the fun my baby had, I focused on the negative of the day. I do have a need to get it off my chest each time something bothers me like that though. I still think that is good. It always feels better.

I put the baby to bed after our outing to a neighbors Cinco De Mayo party. Early on there were but a very few kids. Later I went back and there were plenty of kids. My little chulo is now 1 and wandering all over the place. I love watching him. I found it hard to eat trying to keep track of him too though. He was eating with me but then got full and decided to play. Then we came home finally at 10:30! He was supposed to be in bed at 10! Out with his partying grandma!!! He didn't get to bed until 11!!! But he usually gets fussy when he's tired and he didn't. I hurried to make his bed and get it comfy so he could lay down and go to sleep. He patiently followed me around with his favorite blanket and thumb! He was ready to go to sleep as soon as we got home. Both dogs did the same. Followed me around. He laid down, I covered him and left him to sleep. Such a sweetie. We slept in today. Didn't go to church, the rain or thunderstorm, gave me the excuse not to take him out. He was sound asleep. So I watched my favorite preachers on tv this morning. And she'd only packed shorts for him and no warm clothes, it was cold this morning. Cold and wet.

I had a few bad dreams last night too though. I usually don't remember my dreams but they woke me up last night. All morning long too. I kept dozing until the kids came to pick up the baby.

Today I am grateful for a new morning.
Awaking to a better perspective of my life.
Awaking to care for my unconditionally loving pooches!
Awaking to a darling, still sleeping grand baby.
For the rainy morning...
For the inspiring posts of you other bloggers in my life.
For my wonderful God who keeps his hand on me.

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!!

Now, today I had all kinds of plans, but earlier in the week, I agreed to watch the grand baby so my daughter could carry out hers. She doesn't do too much so I took the baby today. I was nickin' for a baby fix. I dreaded it cause I wanted to celebrate today, but for some reason wanted to see that baby worse than party! ~Or maybe that's just God putting me where I need to be, huh?~ Anyway, I was gonna clean up and straighten up and baby proof the house a bit so he could wander safely. Of course, that didn't happen. I did straighten up but I decided to run around with my man and a friend of his before I started.

That is where my man's friend decided he'd test me to see how Mexican I was. Being born here I am not your typical Mexican woman. I do not fit the mold. I am a career woman since I had to handle all the bills most of the time. I can't cook the way lots of Mexican women can cook. I'd like to, but I can't and I have never felt bad because of it. I had a man who didn't like authentic Mexican food. I was with him for 23 years and met him in high school. He did not like it when I tried to get more culturally in line with my own kind. And I let him direct my thinking in such a way that I just did what he wanted and let him talk me out of what I wanted to do or be. Except for my education, but he disliked even that about me. Even though he wanted me to be at home, barefoot and pregnant, I still got my education and had to support us most of the time. So I was not home a lot to do a lot of tending to my household. That is another full time job in itself. I do feel like I should be the way others say I should be.

But my heart now tells me I am as I should be. My program says I am exactly where God wants me to be at this point in my life. I do have lots to work on, but I do not need to fit into any one's mold. No one's idea of what I should do or not do and how they define "a good Mexican woman". Or even a good woman...

Earlier today I didn't let it bother me so much. I am happy with me as I am and my man says the same. He knows I can't cook well but he is happy for whatever I've fixed for him. I do not do it much but I do it when I can. If there is an opportunity, I usually take it. We don't live together, so I don't do it much anyway. I do cook for me. But I feel support from him and not shame. There is something funny though....as I write this it hurts me. I was steel earlier and now I am crying. I think I should be the way he said, but I am not. There was also no way I was going to show any weakness to this man who I felt was judging me. I also think my "man" should have stopped his "friend" from being like that to me. He did interrupt, but his "friend" kept on going. Later his friend said he was just teasing and didn't mean to be so hard on me. I told him I wasn't worried about what he thought of me. But other than the more rampant judgement of not being Mexican enough because I am not a fluent speaker of Spanish (although I do understand and speak a lot of the language), my experience of taking care of home has been quite limited. I know I am lacking, but I also know I am working on me no matter what others think. And I don't pretend to be more than I am. I wasn't faking like I know more than I do.

Then this friend admitted he couldn't speak Spanish. He can understand it but can't speak it! Can you believe that?! Mexican-Americans who are not fluent would understand that is a big thing, the same as he thinks I should be "a good Mexican woman" he doesn't even fit under the stereotypical "Real Mexican" as someone who is fluent in the Spanish language!!!!! And that was my way to start in on him. But because he is my man's friend, and I didn't want to be disrespectful, or continue a stupid arguement, even though we had just met and he didn't hold back, I didn't say anything but gave him a look and didn't say a thing. But maybe a "Really?" comment. That made it so much easier to let go of what he said to me. And the fact that, for him to even talk to me in such a way, some woman had to have hurt him quite a bit. Maybe she was a "good Mexican woman?"

I was already told a while back that he was still hurting over his woman leaving him and that was mostly all he talked about. And its been years. I forgot how many. But I do think I need to talk with my "man" about his allowing that. I know I should defend myself, but I don't have good comebacks at all when it comes to arguing. And I don't think I should have to against his friends. It seemed he tried but I just feel he didn't try hard enough. I guess that is why I am hurt. Justified or unjustified, I still hurt. The combination of those two things just has gotten to me and it is coming out now. But I am content with who I am and I am working this program to love me and fix me. And that is still happening. But this bugs me - tonight.

So today I am grateful for being "ME"! And having a Loving, caring God who loves me as I am. And Who does for me what I can't do for myself!

Making it through!

I had that rough weekend a couple of weeks ago. Well, maybe last weekend. This weekend was cool even though it didn't go as I wanted it to at all. It was a good weekend. I got my grass cut, it was hurting for that, sadly. But it is done now. My niece's birthday party was Sunday and that was fun. Today I started to feel lonely again! I couldn't get my guy on the phone and of course, I started to plunge into sadness again. I do NOT like that in me. It isn't seeming that serious. Only one day? Not even 24 hours sometimes. I wish that would stop. But its not it is happening more often it seems. But another friend called and we caught up on each other's lives. So I made it through and then the man finally called.

I missed out on an AA celebration weekend due to all the stuff I needed to do around the house. But they taped it all so I can at least purchase who I wanted to hear over the weekend! Happy Day! I will do that soon.

My guy came to cut my grass this weekend, and my daughter was here too. We all three sat and talked after he was done outside. We ate, we chatted a while. She left and he suggested we sit outside. We sat out there quiet mostly, sometimes talking, chatting with the neighbor and watching the dramas play out up and down the block. Mostly down the block...lol. I felt so good just holding his arm as we sat saying nothing. Actually, I love his arms, he's working out so much now and they are looking mighty good if you know what I mean! I just have to touch them. I need to step it up a notch! I still haven't gotten back into the routine of doing my Taebo every other day as I want to. My stomach is still here! Not shrinking!

There was a man going around shooting up lots of folks this weekend here. At one of the malls in a much better part of town too! He killed his neighbor, took her car, stopped at a gas station and shot a cop there, then went to the mall to shoot up more folks! Then he was killed by the cops. What is going on out here??? My guy told me tonight that he was going to go up to that very mall yesterday when it was happening. He wanted to go to a store they have there and just got busy and didn't go. Thank God! He may have been involved!!!

Today I am grateful for:

~my dogs who love me and crave my attention.
~my guy and his decision to stay home yesterday.
~my friend who called me tonight to catch up.
~my empty (no drama filled) house.
~the ability to relax completely in my house.
~my cell phone pics of the grand baby!
~my Internet connection!!!
~my digital camera pics of the grand baby and life in general.
~Trusting that my God is watching over me in my home life alone.
~the visit from my guy this weekend. Sitting on the porch together.
~my neighbors on both sides, they are good neighbors.
~me wanting to straighten up around here. Live better. Look better.
~my time I spend here, searching and learning about me.
~the time I spend here reading about you all.

Thanks for letting me share...

Finding my own truth...

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Finding Our Own Truth

We must each discover our own truth.It does not help us if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us.

It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves.

We must each discover and stand in our own light.We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated. That's how we break through our struggle; that's how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.

We can share information with others. Others can tell us what may predictably happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, and our knowledge.

There is no easy way to break through and find our truth.But we can and will, if we want to.

We may want to make it easier. We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our discovery easier. They cannot. Light will shed itself in its own time.

Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours.

Encouragement helps. Support helps. A firm belief that each person has truth available - appropriate to each situation - is what will help.

Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed. Don't give up until you find it - for yourself.

We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone.

Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision and the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries - the ones that are right for us today.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Expectations

Well, after talking to a friend in the program, I discovered that I was expecting a certain result....even though the new guy had told me what he planned to do Saturday evening. I thought I was acting on a change in routine from every weekend. I know that was a sign from my last relationship that my ex was cheating. But I do trust the new guy. I don't have any reason to think badly of his behavior. I knew it was me but I couldn't see what in me was bugging me. I know I hated the way I felt this past weekend. I am also used to him calling me daily, and he still does, so if one day is missed, I start thinking something is wrong! And nothing has changed, he's just not contacted me. And I guess I expected it!

Well, it is sometimes hard to see why I am feeling the way I feel. I should have called my sponsor, I didn't think of it. I thought to call no one...it never crossed my mind. That is pretty weird that I did that. I usually think of calling some one when I feel bad. But this time it didn't happen.

Today, I am grateful to discover this about me. And hopefully I can use this knowledge to maintain my serenity. Cause I surely lost it!!! LOL!

Today, I am grateful to the program for helping to discover the things within me that make me crazy! And to be able with the help of my God, to change those things. Or rather, to allow Him mold me. To call on Him and trust He can do it, because I alone cannot!

Today, I am grateful for the friends I have in the program, and their ability to see within me. And to not be critical but accepting of my nuttiness!

The Blahs

What a week. I am so glad it is over. I am home tonight. The new guy is out with his friend. You know, I get confused when this happens on the weekend. I don't get why. I think that something is wrong. Anytime he does something different. Maybe its just that the newness of the relationship is now cooling off some. I do not like this feeling - again! I don't feel like doing anything and it almost seems like I get a little depressed. I hate that! But I am not too sad. Just wondering why...and he calls me whenever he is with his friends. Its like he's checking in to let me know what they are doing. I think that's weird too. I don't do that when I'm with my friends. I was gonna go to a new Salsa club tonight but didn't even think about it when he said he was going to be with his friend tonight. I totally forgot it. I had stuff to do here, and, I didn't do them...I think I did maybe half of all I wanted to do. I can't stand that about me either.

But I went to the movies early today and I thought it was going to be a group from church. It wasn't. It was the guy who asked me if we could "hang out" from this past Sunday. We've known each other for a long time and I thought just hanging out was okay. I still think its okay. We talked alot this week. I felt like he was trying to lead me in a relationship kind of direction. Romantic direction. So Friday I had to have a "lets make everything clear" talk with him. He seemed to be wanting that and I didn't' think I should mislead him. He said he wanted friendship and only to have someone to hang out with. So that's where we are today. He seemed pretty sad though. But, his apartment has been closed due to a fire recently and luckily, his apt didn't burn up but it does have smoke damage. So he can't stay there until Monday now. I felt kinda sad for him. He is staying with a friend of his. I felt the need to help him too, when he mentioned he couldn't stay at his own place! Just like I wanted to help the kids earlier this week, I wanted to help him.

I did have a good time with him. He was very polite and it was funny, he kept his distance from me and it was noticeable. In the movie, we sat with one empty chair in between us. I thought, weird, but not for this guy, really. Anyway, the movie was funny. Blades of Glory.

I do know my dogs are glad I didn't go anywhere. They were dying for my attention. All day long! It was eighty degrees here and they wanted to be in the house with me! Well, such was my day...church tomorrow.

Hey...maybe that's who I need to give it to...my HP....hmmm. Night...

Troubled again

So many things are happening again. My kids keep getting in trouble, not bad trouble just money troubles and getting on their feet struggles and I so wish I could help them. So badly! I hurt so much due to the fact that I can't help them in anyway. Not even financially basically. I am not in such good shape myself and I can't do anything. Their father is currently in bad shape himself (which I didn't know) and he can't help either. I feel so bad. I want to help and can't. I guess this is the way it is supposed to be, there must be a reason. This feels horrible. I can't stand it. I can if I try I guess. Just let go of what I can't change. But boy does this hurt my heart.

Monday rantings

I am not doing my exercises again! I keep getting very unmotivated! The new guy is doing his. Like he has a really good reason for it but me, I have a good reasons too, but I'm not doing it! Why! Why! Why?! I can't stand this!

I am grateful that I want to do them and realize I should take care of me! But I am not continuing to do it!

Sorry, I just needed to rant! I can't stand when I won't do what I need to do! I want to get in shape, clean up around here, get things done in the yard and around the house, move my furniture around, unclutter around here!!!! But am I? No! I really hope it is not this new relationship. I spend a lot of time with him. It is just now dying down a little.

There are a few things on my mind. I still need more money. It is just too tight.

I do think about what the new guy thinks about many things. I keep trying to figure him out when I could just ask. But do I? NO!

I feel convicted because I think I should be closer to God than I feel I am. Though, I do feel pretty darn close to God at times. Many times.

Maybe I just needed to confess. Maybe this will help. Now I want to get up and do a little something!

My New Life is so good!

Life is good. I love where I am at today in my new life in recovery. I have new friends who understand me and my craziness, listen to me, but still tell me what needs to be said. And I can accept it and see my part in it. Where I may be wrong and right. Usually where I was wrong! LOL! I love to be still learning and learning to be in a normal relationship. I know not completely normal, but very different than what I was used to. It shows sometimes too that I am not accustomed to being treated the way SS treats me. He sees it, but I don't know if he realizes it. But he is surprised at times by how I think. It hasn't happened lately enough for him to see, but its there. Anyway, life is good. I am having a good time. Things aren't perfect, but they never are. And I am happy.

I saw the baby tonight, he is just wandering all over the place now. He will be one year old soon. He's such a cutie pie. A gorgeous boy! He's talking baby gibberish too. Lots of it. Life is good.

I mentioned some of my pretty recent past with SS tonight and he was surprised I think. Somehow we got on the subject of my kids and their boyfriends. I told him of a couple of run-ins I've had with them. One where I actually popped one in the mouth and busted his lip. He immediately said, "you could have gone to jail". And, if any woman hit him, they will go to jail. Well! I understand, really. But I was still surprised. I never thought this way when I got hit. Nor did I think that I had that option when I or my girls got into trouble. I thought I was gonna take up for them. Period. No cops. I can handle it. I'll finish it really... It kinda caught me off guard a bit. But that was an option I never realized was even available. That is so strange how I was thinking back then.

Thank God for my program. The more I live and interact with all these new people in my life, those in the program and outside of the program but who do not have similar problems, the more I learn how to live. Hearing it around the tables and living my life in recovery. I am so loving it but so surprised at times by what I am learning. And I guess reflecting on my life in the past. I feel sad that I did the things I did. But I am so happy and grateful that nothing worse happened to me or my girls. I am thankful things smoothed out and I can learn instead of just react to those around me. Not near as much fear is involved anymore. For that I am grateful.

I am so glad to have all these new people in my life. Good or bad. They all teach me something. Today I am so glad to be able to learn from all my experiences and not feel like a victim of my circumstances anymore! God is so good!

Good Friday night/Home Makeover In KC!

I had an okay week. Mostly just work and running around at night! Just busy, not being bad or anything! Friday comes and I go to a sparsely attended Al-Anon. We discussed the Third step, Acceptance and Surrender. It was a good meeting as always! It even went over about twenty minutes! Not normal for us! Then, I was leaving and a friend of my ex mentioned to me, "What goes around comes around - You know what I mean, don't cha?" I told her I thought so. She commenced to tell me about my ex and his woman who is also a recovering addict. She's doing to him what he'd always done to me but it is a bit more extreme. He's getting back the same treatment. Anyway, I knew of all she mentioned since he called me to tell me all the dirt anyway as soon as it happened. I had to step away from the conversation after thinking, I don't really want the worst for him. I am not like that. Wishing badly on him, even if many women think he deserves it. Or I should hate. But I can't. I've never been that way, probably never will be and now that I am in Al-Anon? That's not what they teach nor what I have learned in the program. And its just not my God's way!

So, I had to direct the conversation in a different direction. It did change. She mentioned how she always prays for me to have some one who treats me well. Someone who would be good to me. And right now, that is what I have. His maturity level alone is so much more on my same level. He's confident enough not to be jealous. He's so different. He's a good guy. My ex is a really good guy too, but very self-centered and will use people very easily. Especially those closest to him. But he's working on it. He really is - to a point. But I guess I did detach because I knew it wasn't good to gossip about him either. It was all true and this is God's will for the both of us, but no need to keep re-living it. And God (my HP) has truely blessed me to meet men who do not have those types of problems (not problem-free in any way! but!) and I won't have a problem trusting them in the same room with my purse or car keys!

God has been so good to me. I complain here and there, but He's been better to me than I ever would be. Pruning me and that stinks sometimes, and sometimes not. Proving He will care for me and I still have a hard time believing He will. I still hesitate when He says "Do this". And quite hard headed in a few other areas. He keeps showing me what to do and I still hesitate! What a mess! But, I am working on it! Sometimes its a struggle, well, most times recently. But due to my hard-headedness! He is still good as usual!

Didn't go to the St. Patty's Day parade, too cold. It turned out not to be so bad. Interesting note!!! Kansas City is featured again on the TV show Extreme Home Makeover! Keith Green construction is doing the home. The Jacobo family in North KC is getting a new home with nine bedrooms tomorrow!!! They had 900 sq feet to live in and will have 5000 sq feet!!! I wanna go see, I may try to go. It sounds like fun. Being in the crowd may be fun. I'll definately write if I do!

I watched an HBO special on "Addictions" Thursday night. I thought it was pretty interesting. It was very much on the scientific side of addictions and treating it as a disease. Very interesting if you like documentaries! I love them! It is a 9 week series. Myself and a couple of friends are getting together to watch it. There was very little mention of the 12 step programs. That was sad to not have that along with the drugs they kept talking about. But it is just the first episode! Looking forward to the rest of them!

Lonely weekend

My weekend went pretty okay. Saturday didn't turn out like I had wished but, it came out okay. I did have some weird moments again...

Saturday I was going back and forth with inviting friends over to have Margaritas. I had missed one's birthday and that is what she wanted to do. I love Margaritas myself. So OK, let's do it! So I finally picked up a bit around here...I can't believe I am taking so long to take care of things around here! That's what I noticed first. And, I am not a very willing host. One lady I knew how she is when she drinks, she's a hoot! She falls asleep! I can handle that. But the other I don't know. Anyway, they say they are coming and so I wait. I bought all the stuff, and waited. Told the new guy I was getting together with the girls tonight and wouldn't be by this evening. And I waited. And waited. I really had debated a lot in my mind as to whether or not to do this at all! It is also the first time I've had any company since the break up. Maybe longer! Its been almost two years since the break up. So this really was a big step for me. I invited SS (the new guy) over too along with his friend. They were supposed to be coming anyway to look at my drain in the basement - clogged!!

Okay, so nobody shows, nobody. Nobody calls, nothing. I called SS and his friend forgot. So there goes that. The friends never call. I didn't call either. I wasn't feeling good with a cough anyway, and I was getting tired. So I didn't make a big deal out of it.

In the past I would have been calling to the point that they may not even continue answering and then started a pity party! Today it was no big deal. I finally got some things done and I have Marg fixin's when I want them. It will sit there too. I always let alcohol just sit there since I don't drink much at all. Maybe God is using these incidents to prune me. As my sister says. That was a Joyce Meyer thing. That is probably why things are constantly happening.

I did feel the pangs of loneliness which I don't understand. It was only one night. I am fine all week and if I am alone on the weekend suddenly I feel lonely. But I am quick to find something to busy my time with. And so I've felt it but I can make it. Its fine. Maybe I am still adjusting to my empty nest. If I hadn't mentioned, my oldest moved out in early January and even though it seems she doesn't care for it much, she is still there. I hate the neighborhood. It is a pretty bad area. I pray for her protection all the time. I'm glad Saturday is over.

Sunday, SS invited me to his sister's for dinner. I went excited to meet some of his family. I felt very extremely shy. I was really not me. Very quiet. I had a good time. But his sister did get a chance to chat with me for a few minutes. She had no idea who I was. I was a little surprised by the fact that he hadn't told anyone about me yet. But I am pretty new to this dating thing, and he did mention he didn't like to make the first move in a relationship. But we've already been intimate and I just assumed he'd at least mentioned me. So I felt a little weird, I was vague with my answers about us and just left it at that. We haven't had any discussion on what we are exactly, I guess its time to find out. That has made me nervous. And I don't know why. Maybe I fear rejection? But I honestly don't think that will happen. So who knows? The next relationship jitters??? LOL! Maybe so....I'm not sure how to proceed except to just ask.

But I had a good time at his sister's place, I felt very welcomed, and went home with a plate of food! Always good!

Church was just for me today. And a few others. The message was not to isolate, because then you are accountable to no one. And you do whatever and your thinking can be your greatest enemy. Pastor was talking about Stinkin' Thinkin' being bad for us. Saying something negative to yourself over and over causes you to believe it and not live up to what God intended for you. And believing in God and acting on that belief are two very different things. I love my church! It is really starting to feel different. Like more open, less condemning and I don't have to be perfect to fit in. I felt like that before.

One of the guys there had asked me to go to lunch after church a few weeks ago. I refused due to $$ and he said he'd cover it. Well, he changed his mind I guess and then just dodged me. Instead of telling me it was more than he'd expected. It didn't upset me, I just assumed that is what was going on and let it go. It had surprised me that he'd even offered and I asked if he was sure. That was a few weeks ago. He saw me today and we just said our "Hello" as normal. I was leaving and he stopped me. He told me it was too expensive for him and that's what had happened. And then he mentioned that I knew his name and always used it when I saw him. He apologized for not remembering mine and then we chatted a little about how long we have attended the same church. Over 10 years for both of us! He is pretty unforgettable, a little off it seems and sometimes pretty hard hearted or condemning to some of his lady friends. From how he describes his interactions with them. Those of us in the church can be a bit self-righteous to others at times, if not always. And I used to be the same with my ex. I'm so glad that has changed.

Anyway, he seemed to really want to talk to me and I just kept taking care of my business, but you know, I felt uncomfortable. Like, since I am seeing SS, that I shouldn't be even chatting with this guy. I felt like I was leading him on or something. There has never been anything romantic even slightly with my friend at church. It was the first time he'd invited me to lunch or even spoken to me other than in passing. But I felt wrong. So is this CodA behavior too? I guess I should do some reading on it. To help me understand. Okay, enough ranting for tonight.

I am very thankful for my weekend. It ain't perfect here, but I finally got something done! One major thing is done now! Next step!!!!

HP and my program, amazing

Nice, quiet, weekend. I love those kinda weekends. Didn't do too much and actually just lazied around all day Saturday. I got to see the grand baby Sunday. It was pretty quiet. A single weird incident on Sunday though. Saturday my ex got married to the girlfriend he left me for. And Sunday, he contacts me. Said he was wondering if I was okay and if I knew what he had done. I knew. I was truly fine. I was with the new guy when I was reminded of it, and so tired that once I got off the phone that morning, I passed out again and didn't think of it anymore until later in the day. My kids hadn't contacted me. I thought I was gonna do some baby sitting and didn't have to. Good thing, I was busy anyway! LOL

Last week a lady at work was so rude to me on the phone. NO big deal, I am a receptionist and I deal with that daily sometimes. I am always professional about it. She didn't hesitate to show her attitude towards me. It was very bad over the phone due to the fact that I would not identify myself and she was demanding information. When people come at me like that I am very professional with them but I do not give out any information. And that is for everyone, but once they tell me who they are I can decide to open up. But only once I know who they are and if I am allowed to give them the information they desire. So, me holding my ground upset her. She wasn't identifying herself. Finally she did. And I happily gave her the info and transferred her. She was a coworker calling from her cell so I had no idea who she was.

Later in the day, actually not too much later, she came at me in my face about it. She was still highly upset. And she started to tell every one how wrong I did her on the phone. She told the story wrong, so I corrected her. I did not explain why I had not told her who I was. Maybe I should have. She started trying to turn the story around to make it seem like I did her so wrong. All the ladies were gathered for a birthday celebration at this time. By the end of our words, she understood completely that I was not going to just let her tell her story or blame me for how she felt. I did nothing wrong and I didn't know who she was. I would have done the same to anyone else demanding information from me. I was still nice to her even after we had our words! Very nice. I am pretty darn good at letting things go - I always have been except with my ex!!!! And some family!!! LOL! She went back to her department and commenced to tell all of them what I had done to her yet again! So then they came to me!!! And it started all over again. While explaining to them what happened, I realized I gave them a more clear explanation of what went on and why I responded the way I did. I guess without the attitude being in my face, I was better able to express what happened and why. She ignored me the rest of the week. Until Friday. Then she spoke again, just to say good-bye. It was unexpected. Very unexpected since we don't work together we don't have much interaction. But it was good for me to see that she seemed not to hold a grudge. She is infamous for that. Its like her thing! And, every one was telling me how I was on her "shit list" now and it was always going to be bad between us. And I see her do it to others, she is like that.

The point to me was, I have a program, she was attacking me deliberately it seemed. I know she's not a happy person. I did choose to defend myself which, I normally would have just let her tell it and not said a thing. Nothing in my defense. I am glad I did it still very courteously, and it was done a few days later when she let it go too. It felt good to have said something. To have defended me and my actions. And the HP helped too! He did a much larger part. She seriously pissed me off and I feel my anger more so now than prior to Al-Anon and CodA. I am also not afraid to show others how I feel either. I feel more true to me than ever before in my life and I want to keep going forward with that! Thanks to my program! And to God for answering my prayers that morning. "Please Lord, let me just do this right, not evil, not hateful, just let me express what I feel constructively! And don't let me go off on her!"

Thanks, Lord! You are truly amazing!

I'm Back to Blogging!!!

I miss blogging. I want to get back to normal. Just been so busy. Birthdays, Roundups, Outings, tons of activities have gone on. And if I am home to blog there is always something to do around the house or I am tired! Oh, and PC problems. Just slowwww moving problems with my PC. And that is if I am home for any length of time!

My Al-Anon Mom & Dad had their birthdays recently. One in January and one in February. Of course I must be there! If Ma is doing anything. Hers is coming up in a few days! The Sunflower Roundup was excellent! I didn't get a CD of the one speaker who just cracked me up! They sold out of him completely! I have to order online now. He was Doug R. from Tujunga, California. He was hilarious! A riot! Anyway, I gotta order him online! They had a tape but I don't have a tape player anymore! I needed a CD! I made it to the Roundup every day. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Quite a while on Saturday too. I did not attend the dance this year since I was going to see the new guy!!! But everyone I knew who might have gone was not staying for the dance. They all went home!!! So, I left! My girls didn't make it on Sunday like I had asked them to. They went with their father for his birthday lunch get together his family had on Sunday. I was disappointed but he doesn't see them near as often as I do, and they chose to go with him anyway! OOOOOoooo, that hurt! Not really! I know they didn't really want to go! One went with me last year and she liked the speaker, oh well, there's always next year.

My ex announced their plans to be married in June back in December last year. Its been moved up to this Saturday now. My oldest is not liking that idea and doesn't speak well about it! My youngest is quite accepting of the whole thing. I am not feeling badly or upset over it - I am so glad! Actually it is a relief, since it seemed like he kept picking the exact same days we had marked our anniversaries and significant dates from our time together. It seemed he was trying to replace me with her. But who knows, I didn't think he was actually choosing those specific dates as similar milestones in their relationship. He couldn't possibly be, I know his memory, and it is not good. Never really has been. But it did seem like it and now with them marrying in March, it is not a big deal anymore.

Anyone heard of this HBO series on Addictions? I've gotten an email about it and it starts in March...I forgot what day. I have a friend who says I can watch with him. I hope so, I hope he doesn't forget. I know very few people who have HBO and most I don't know what their plans are and they may not even be interested in it enough to watch. I want to see this series though. Sounds very interesting. And I have no cable whatsoever! LOL!

I keep noticing I am still doing little CodA behavior with the new guy. I wait for approvals(not just with him either!), do things that he is not expecting me to do for him, I feel like I need to be at his side if he walks away. Its weird to see myself doing this. And I can stop myself but you know, I gotta think about it and apply my program constantly thinking on it. It isn't as bad as I may sound, but I do see these things. Sometimes its funny and sometimes not. I don't know if he notices some things, but I think he does. He seems surprised at times.

I am glad he (the new guy) is accepting of my meetings. I figured it would be a problem in my next relationship since I do go on Friday nights. My Thursday is early enough to not take my whole night. But the Friday meeting does. We get done at 9 but sometimes chat until 10 or so if its nice out. Its been a while since we've done anything after the meeting. I am grateful for someone in my life who doesn't insist on his way all the time. I am free to do what I need to do for me. It is such a blessing for someone to understand and support me, especially one who is not in the program but is part of my life. An important part of my life.

I did get a rather funny question from him recently.... I attend so many meetings regularly, he thinks I am not telling him the truth about not having an addiction. And since I attended the Sunflower Roundup, which is an AA thing, he thinks I was an alcoholic and just not telling him so. He's not seen me drink and I am with him sometimes all weekend long. So hopefully he can tell I am not lying to him. He doesn't seem to be real serious when he asks me that. I thought that was funny. And of all days my father asked me if I went to church Sunday, and I didn't - I went to the Roundup Spiritual Meeting that morning! So I told him I went to hear ex-drunks tell their stories! He seemed to get a kick out of that one!

Today I am grateful for:
My program helping me recognize my little CodA behaviors and things I need to watch.
My Sponsor
A man who thinks I deserve to be treated well. (I've never heard those words before!)
My Al-Anon Ma and Pa, and their love for me...And my love for them!
Each of you who read me. So many of you that I read.
My dogs - even though they are making me nuts right now! (One is in heat!!!!)
My friend who brought me soup when I was sick.
My Al-Anon friends who miss me when I'm gone!
My father who pours it all out when we see each other. And him treating me out to eat!
My CodA friends who miss me when I'm gone!

God is Amazing, Life is unbelievable sometimes...

You know God is so good. My friend at work, her daughter was hit by car on the highway just this past Tuesday. She was fine, nothing broken. She was back to work on Thursday! We had just had a new snow and she lost control and ended up in a ditch. A tow truck pulled her out. Her and her car were fine. Then someone else lost control, hit the tow truck, hit her, knocking her twenty feet away in the air, and then hit her car too! She ended up face-down in the snow, and she is fine except for bruising on her legs! Amazing!

You know, God is good to me. I've met a very nice new guy(same new guy), I've eaten all week long for free, my car is still running well even in this bone chilling weather, and although my finances are extremely tight, I have everything I need. My friend from one of my meetings said he missed me - in his own way. I've missed him too. I received a thank you note from my Al-Anon Dad, for attending his birthday celebration. I have a connection to the Internet at my beck and call!!!! Yahooooooo!!!!

Well, I am sick today. I had a good Valentine's Day too. My dinner didn't turn out right, but he still liked it. I am determined to make it again. It was too easy and it didn't turn out right. So I must do it again. I liked it too, I want to try again. It was a quiet evening. It was nice. And we had lunch for the next day!

I wanted to write more, because more has happened. I'm tired. I'll be back....Haven't seen my cousin yet either since I've been sick!

Birthday Weekend

I keep having trouble with my connection again. Well, no my PC keeps locking up on me, hence the not coming back to post again! No one was hurt in the explosion last week. Everyone was out before it blew. Then the next day, it blew again, but not so big, just before firefighters went in! They weren't hurt either. And the wind blew the smoke west, so it didn't fall in my neighborhood and we didn't need to evacuate! Thank goodness.

I took Friday off for my birthday and tried to get a little business done. Of course, that didn't happen! Not good! I am scrambling this week to do it now. And I need to get this stuff done! But I did have a good weekend. Friday I made my meeting, late, but I made it! It was a good one. Saturday, I wasted, I should have cleaned house and only did a little bit. Then felt down for some reason and slept instead. I don't know what discouraged me. Things aren't going well again at work though. I didn't get a raise I was expecting. That hurt! So that was probably it. I found out Thursday and then went to the new guys at his invitation. To help get my mind off of it. Once I came home on Saturday, I felt down and slept. S, the new guy, took me to a movie and then to dinner. It was nice. It was also hard to find a place not packed!!! So it wasn't what I think he wanted to do but it was still good. The local casinos were very busy this past weekend!

Then Sunday my family gathered at a local Chinese Food Buffet and it also served Mexican food. Not much but they had Menudo! My favorite! Then to my sister's for cake and ice cream. Instead of a Valentine shaped cake, my sister bought me cupcakes with Valentine rings on them! I loved my weekend. My boss took me out for lunch Monday and Wednesday we are having food for my birthday and Valentine's Day at work! Yeah! It is my birthday week! I am making a small dinner for S, hopefully he will like it. That's for Valentine's Day! I found the perfect card too! And a few manly items I think he will like. So I need to get around and see how everyone else is doing!

OH! My cousin who is going to Afghanistan is coming back for one final weekend before he goes this weekend. He wants to meet S, and we all go out somewhere. It will be so good to see him again before he is actually gone for a year! This is an unexpected visit!

Also, during this past week, I have found myself noticing lots of little things I keep doing that are so codependent! Its just small stuff, but I do notice it. I keep awaiting approval from those I am around. Even though the decision is mine to make. Almost everytime. I am seeking approval from everyone lately. I need to work on that I think. I am also seeking company constantly, which keeps me from doing the things I need to do. I need to take care of me as well, and I am slacking up on that as well. I guess at least I recognize or notice what I am doing. Now to apply my program. I'm trying...