Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Still no grandbaby...And not too much else

No grandbaby yet. I wonder what the child's hold up is...God must have a plan. Or maybe He's holding out so I can finish the few things I want to finish before the baby comes. There is so much to do. We will probably have visitors after the baby comes and I would really like the parlor to be free and clear of objects that don't necessarily need to be there, but they are pretty large for me to move. Anyway, I want to tidy up. I hope that's it! LOL I better get to it, huh? Maybe He's allowing for the grandpa to be able to be there and he's in rehab right now. His time is almost over. Well, we'll see soon huh?

I felt pretty lonely Monday evening, I can't stand that feeling, I really am very rarely ever alone in my house and this feeling just hits me so hard sometimes. At least it only lasted an evening this time. Tuesday I was fine. And today I am great! I hope the rest of the week goes quickly. I have a Dr appointment tonight and really need to get to work at home! I am going to do something at home tonight. I've been relaxing too much I think for all the stuff I need to get done.

I did get asked out again and I haven't yet answered back. I am assuming I will need my own money and that really limits me to where I can go and what I can do. So I am not really pushing it since I don't know how this guy really feels. Maybe I should just be very direct, it worked in the past and things are very clear when I do that. I do think he is being very sweet to me after not talking to me for a while. He's from out of town and now lives here, but doesn't really hang out with anyone - at least that is what he says. Oh well, I am not pursuing that, I will just see what happens or what he comes up with. I am not sure how to proceed with him. I am assuming we are friends. That would probably be the safest, but that again means I need my own $$$ and so I can't really do much at all. Money is too tight right now.

Nothing really interesting happening except my daughter having her false labor.... Sunday I thought we were going to the hospital but, nope! Nothing happened, they went away and we are still waiting! Well, more time to accept the fact that there will be a baby in the house again after so long! Almost 20 years!

My 20 year class reunion is coming up in July! I will be there. Not too happy about going cause of course I feel like I should be in a better position than I am now but I am not. I am happy though, I feel better about me, I wish I was a little more fit, but that can be worked on. I still have a little bit of time before I attend! Maybe that should be my focus! It will benefit me in more than one way to get into shape. Okay, now I have a goal....Now if I will just stick to it!!! Gotta go!!!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Grandbaby, Friends, & my Ex's girlfriend

No Grandbaby yet...I think we are all anxious for the baby to get here! But he's taking his time. Let's see. What has transpired since the 15th? They sent my daughter home from work Monday, and want her to stay home! They did give her a gift and a card. Then they sent her home at 9 am! LOL! She's so uncomfortable. Poor baby! I don't miss that!

My friend I had disagreed with last week, again said something I thought was very unsupportive of me! I said I wouldn't allow my daughters boyfriend to live here with us, and in one instant she told me, "Good for you!" Then in the next few minutes she was telling me I was going to let him move in! I really think she feels I have no backbone whatsoever! It hurt for her to say that too! So, it was like flipping a switch for me! I asked why I felt like she supported me at first and then she says something to make me feel like she isn't supporting me anymore all of a sudden! She did say she was sorry. Then we had lunch and she sort of explained how she really doesn't know how it feels to be on the inside of the relationship and it makes her appear to be judgmental. Okay, I think she got my point anyway. It's my path, not hers. I don't think we will have that problem again. At least I hope not.

I went to pick up some party purchases from my ex's Mom, Monday evening. His girlfriend was there. I think she felt the need to try to mark her territory. She seemed to have an attitude but didn't show it - she just expressed it in her voice. I felt like we were in high school or something. I didn't play into it. It really doesn't matter, I just didn't like it and I know she feels threatened by me being around. But if it keeps happening, I may just have to say something. And if I do, I hope to do it in a way so she doesn't think I want him back in any way! I don't plan on going over there much anyway. I felt like crap that day too, so of course I think I looked like crap! His Mom asked me for help with her browser buttons that were missing. I was all too happy to help - PC's are my thing. A hobby I guess... She also told me I was looking pretty too with my new lipstick, I welcomed that since I felt like crap and had a lingering headache due to the dentist visit. I wished I hadn't come, it seemed like she(his girlfriend) knew I was coming and she kinda spruced herself up. She was dressed a bit nicer than I'd seen her before and had makeup on. Still I don't see it...And that's all I'm going to say about that! She let me know that she knew about his truck being at my place. She wanted to know how his truck was - what kind of question was that anyway? Hell, it's there and that's all there is to it. She made sure to let me know he wants me to call him when our daughter goes into labor, oh, and that he calls her almost daily. LOL it was kinda funny to see a grown woman act like that. Well, actually it was a bit weird to tell the truth. It seemed very out of place and strange for some reason. I was going to say something but felt it was just not worth it or not really necessary to do so. So, I didn't. Maybe I won't have to either.

My dad finally got his tamales, well, they are here and now he is no where to be found! I get them so he will stop talking about the lady and calling her names and where is he? Who knows! I think I have a good guess, but we'll leave that alone too.

It's late I must go to sleep. Work, a meeting, taxes to finish and Avon to pass out tomorrow! I'm leaving a link for the geeks out there. My favorite PC magazine: Maximum PC! Enjoy!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Taking Care of Me

The past few weeks I have had headaches so badly on the weekend and this week they started to stay with me. So for the last few days I've had headaches! Man, all this starts happening just after my insurance went into affect at work. So I only have to pay a copay to see the doctor. It still hurt to pay just the copay! Anyway, the doctor cracked me and cracked me and I feel great. I was so sleepy during my meeting tonight but I feel so good! I am not all in knots anymore.

But I was also so relaxed that I had to go to sleep. I have continued to feel great. I really don't think I need to go back Monday but, I think I will anyway!

I guess the news this week is that a friend and I disagreed about the way I handle my last relationship. She thinks I shouldn't have any contact. And I do. I am not initiating this contact, but it is still happening. It is actually happening more often. But I am happy the way it is and it really is my business, I think I am being very open and am not trying to hide anything. And even that is a big step for me. I never wanted anyone to know all the things I've gone thru with him over the years. And even when we broke up I still tried to keep it going for a very short time before I finally accepted it and started to admit what had happened. But it seems like she feels I should be pissed at him and I was for a while, but when I finally forgave, it just went away. I begged God to please help me not to be mad or rather, stay mad at him, that is all I ever did in the past. I didn't want to be hateful to him. Number one reason: he is still the kids father, he will interact with them from time to time. And we are putting them through college and we still need his help in any way we can get it. I don't want turmoil in my life now that he is gone, I want peace and serenity. Well, we will probably never agree, but it didn't matter. I know she does not hesitate to expresses her opinion and she is entitled to it but I felt like she just wants me to be the same way and I am not. I am not one to hold grudges and stay mad forever. I don't hate folks no matter what they do. Of course I get upset with people like anyone else, it just doesn't stick with me. And now after being in Al-Anon and CodA for a few months, things don't stick with me for very long at all. If something upsets me, I can choose to be pissed off or choose to be happy, or let it go so it doesn't affect me so much. I want to live to be content in whatever situation I find myself in. The bible teaches us we should be that way. And the program says each experience we go thru will is meant to teach us something. And, we are always right where we should be and we can trust God to lead us thru each one. So, my friend and I kinda left it at that, we just differ on that point, it is not the only point. As a matter of fact, we are having lots of differing opinions. Maybe this is my learning time to deal with someone who has such a different opinion from my own and it will help me to figure out why I hold this position, or teach me to stand up for my own position. Who knows but it is helping me to learn how to deal with someone with such strong opinions on this subject. I think I finally held my own for once. I do see my own part in this too. I let her tell me over and over about how she felt. And not once before this did I stop her, or mention what my position was, that I was not happy with her opinion or whatever, I usually gave no indication of how I felt. I know its been suggested that I practice more detachment in my previous dealings with my ex. And I do listen to what people see, where before I didn't at all. They may think I am not, and I may show that I don't like what you are suggesting, but believe me, I am listening. And I will think on it, I think on many more things about changing me now than ever before. Improving and trying to live a new happier life.

No Grandbaby yet either! Preparations are taking place finally. We are getting ready! Maybe by the next post I'll have a Grandbaby.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Discovering Me...

This week was pretty uneventful. But I discovered a few things about me this week. Early in the week, I was asked out by an older Hispanic man, much older, by maybe 20+ years. Well, It really just kinda upsets me that he is so old and wants to take me out. Anytime a Mexican or Hispanic man wants to do this, he's very old. This man is old enough to be my father! And it just made me upset along with something I found out about another Mexican man who is with a young friend of mine. Why do they need to be looking for women who are so young? I started thinking about this after making a joke about it to a friend. I was joking but they could not tell I was (an IM cell msg) joking. So when they commented that I was bitter, I laughed it off but after the conversation was over, I started thinking about my comments. They were pretty ugly and I was only joking, but did I really believe it? And my determination is I do. The comment was possessive, cradle-robbing, drunks! Now I am Mexican myself, and for me to say that was pretty bad I think. I felt that it is true as far as I have seen. Of course, I don't feel that way about my father and I do know that all Mexican or Hispanic men are not like that. It's just that I haven't met any that aren't!!!

One friend I talked to about it said, yes, in many cases we know of, it is true. Or appears to be true but, we still forgive that, and try to win them to Christ anyway, so He can work on them to change them from the inside out. They don't know any better - yet. And it is not up to us to change anyone but ourselves! I brought it up in a meeting this week and was informed that it is not just one race of men who are like that. Other men are like that but we can't dwell on what we think or get depressed thinking all men are alike! They aren't and I've met quite a few men who aren't like that. Unfortunately, none were Mexican! But we aren't to focus on people's quirks or problems, we just need to work on us and let the other stuff go. If it starts to hurt someone and we can do something about it, then maybe we should act if we can. If it will change the situation favorably for whomever is on the victim end of that. But mostly, we can't do anything about those situations.

And, why was I dwelling on it? I don't know, just the information I had found out in the last few days had pissed me off! I don't date any Hispanic men for no special reasons, and I don't really meet them or many of them anyway. Just not interested and I actually never have been and that's just me. Maybe I will meet some in the future...And find some who don't fit my stereotype! That's bad to have those, I never thought I did, but I guess I do! And I don't think I am alone!

I also found that I am really enjoying my life now. I am happy and smile often. I used to think losing my ex-bf would be the end of my life, and I couldn't make it without him. It seemed to feel that way for many months. I hated to feel like I had to start my life over after investing so much time with him. Now I am finding that discovering myself, my likes, dislikes, hanging out with friends and so on is quite interesting and fun! I have new friends and old to hang out with and I am doing okay, there are still major issues in my life I need to conquer and deal with but, for the most part, I am still very happy. I am just working on me and fixing me up so I can be a better person for the next relationship. I like to try new things, I will try most any food, I do like going to new places and I am having a good time discovering these things! I am free to do as I please, when I please! Yippeee!!!

I did do a favor for my ex-bf today. He is going back to rehab and he needed a place to store his truck. So, I allowed it. Don't know if it is right or wrong to do this, but I did. He'll be gone for a while and no one will mess with it here. We've been apart long enough for his new acquaintances not to know he's stored it here. His mom was afraid someone may come looking for him at her place. It's a little busted up. I guess his new friends aren't very friendly. His gf chose to live in the streets again in a former lifestyle and left. This was shocking to me and I started reacting to her story with so much disbelief like I used to react to him leaving our house for the streets! I still really can't believe she chose to leave. She has two children...It is amazing what an addiction will make you do. I understand Alcoholism and Addictions better now than ever but it still amazes me what people will do to fulfill that dependency. I guess I was the same, I had a dependency too, to stay in a really bad relationship and try to change him, I just knew I could fix him. So now I understand from both sides really, not completely from their side, but a lot more than I used to understand. They really don't have a choice of whether or not to stop doing whatever they do, the addiction just takes over. And, in many cases, the addict will do whatever they need to do to satisfy themselves. Pretty sad, the things they, or we, will do. I thank God I don't have a chemical dependency! My life could really be a lot worse.

On a lighter note, I am going to the movies this Friday to see Madea's Family Reunion. A friend and his wife are taking me to the movies for my birthday! Yes, it was last month, but I can handle belated birthday gifts! I don't care when they come! LOL! I am very happy to get them! Yeah!