Saturday, September 30, 2006

Help from my friends...

Last night at my Al-Anon meeting, we talked about the 10th step. I haven't worked that far but it did make me think, I am beginning to actually wonder why I am doing the things I do. Why I seem to respond so slowly to the pressing issues in my life? I normally am very willing to improve myself. In the programs (CodA and Al-Anon), I am the focus but, I am now quite a bit slower to change. But still very willing, the desire to change is there all the time. I am finally recognizing the fact that there needs to be a change for me to get better!

Just yesterday, I was talking with a friend in recovery, and we were discussing me wanting to have more money and a better job. He had all kinds of suggestions, and I had an excuse for why each one wouldn't work for me! Then I started to hear myself, I felt like I was playing the victim role as far as my career and finances. And the reading from The Language of Letting Go, had already spoken to me about finances and it was really speaking to me. I don't know why I keep holding myself back but I think I feel I don't deserve it yet. But while talking to him I realized what I was doing. And I was going to ask him what he thought of my excuses, or what he thought he was really hearing me say, but I hesitated and I didn't ask him. Probably because I already know. Or am finally accepting and coming to realize what I am actually doing. My ex used to say I was making excuses and his sister always said I wasn't confident enough with myself to do anything. I needed to change that. I never liked what they said, but now I am thinking that maybe the problem. I also want to change my career too and to me that means less money to begin with. Starting again at the bottom and working my way up. Which, if I think about it, is actually exactly where I am now. At the bottom waiting to work my way up. Which, in my current company, will be very hard to do. So a lateral move wouldn't hurt me really. What have I to lose? Sounds like not much. I am always taking chances elsewhere, why not here? I do not have an answer...But I know nearly every time I talk to this friend I learn something about me that I usually am not willing to accept yet. Or I am fighting to accept within myself. This is something I didn't realize and now I will need to fight to accept about me. I want better but I am afraid to make a move. I am remaining in yet another situation that is not helpful to me. I am a very loyal employee, friend, etc. Except, at many times, maybe not to myself and what I need! I feel I deserve better but won't try to make it happen.

Later last night, I hung out with another friend in recovery. I remember noticing before that she didn't smile so much and when we went out I thought she didn't really want to go due to the fact that she didn't look so happy. I did ask her about it then and she explained lots of people express the same thing. Then I saw in her what I used to be like before I started to do little things for me to change my appearance. To look better, hence, feel better about me. Its funny how much in common I find I have with the other members of the group sometimes. But it makes me feel more willing to be honest, open and understanding with them - and even some others outside the groups. Anyway, I noticed she has a very pretty smile. I should have told her. I did comment on her picture she showed me. We stayed there talking until about 12:30 am, then I went home. I had a good time. We shared a lot with one another. I love learning about folks and hearing what makes them happy, sad, excited, whatever and I do always learn something new, no matter how small it may be. I learn something.

Today I am thankful to have a growing list of friends in the fellowship who support me, love me, let me gripe, let me weep, let me be me and be comfortable with me at all times.
I thank God and the program because I am really starting to think about why I am the way I am, and what may need to change to make me better. To improve my life.
I thank God for my car, that is still running, I keep trying to treat her well, as best I can. And with all its problems, it still gets me there. I pray that it lasts until I get another one.
I am thankful for those of you who read my blog and appreciate the comments you leave. Thank you so much for sharing your insights with me.

OH my gosh!!! And I am thankful for the fact that I had two invites to the CHIEFS game tomorrow!!!!! YYYYYyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! FOOTBALL!!!!! I will be going with my brother-in-law to the game!!!!! I gotta pick out my gear for tomorrow!

Thursday, September 28, 2006

A Good Word

This little boy is so beautiful. I decided to add this picture at the last minute. My HNT pic for the week. When I look at him I feel so euphoric. I feel so good when I see him or hear his laugh, his voice. My cell phone pics are with me at all times, when I feel down I can look at this and I instantly feel different! This feeling is so much better than those I express below. God is so good. God is always good no matter what.

I did get a good word from my sponsor. She believes I did what any parent would do in that situation. I did what I could do. Yes, I maybe pressed it being tough, and my ex pressed it trying to force our daughter to take action she obviously isn't willing to take. But the only one out of control was the BF. I feel the anger coming again. It is very surprising how much disrespect this boy has for the entire family. I guess I can't take that route, even here. It doesn't feel good at all. I don't like it. I can just give it up to God again.

I feel like God is giving me so much to work on at once. I know I need to work on everything He's sending and I keep trying to avoid so much of what I'm being directed to work on. I guess that's why it seems to get overwhelming to me - I keep avoiding issues I just don't want to deal with. Not good. I will set my priorities and get to work. And ask for His help to get all my issues dealt with, keep me on track, and direct me which to deal with as I go along. Please pray for me to continue to handle my issues that I need to deal with. I start and stop when discouraged. And many times I am discouraged easily. I think my problem is accepting that I need help in these other areas and I won't look for it. I don't know why I am paralyzed. Things will only get worse if I just sit here. And things seem to be piling up again.

Today I am exactly where my God has placed me. He will guide me and keep me lifted up through all I am dealing with. I will be happy with my life regardless of my setbacks and stressfull events going on in my life. I will trust that God has allowed all this to teach me a thing or two, or three, or four....You get me? :) And I'm so glad I have a God I can depend on. Lean on, talk to, pour my heart out to, It makes such a big difference in my life. I can keep going knowing He is there.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Drama filled weekend

This weekend was very hard Saturday evening. I had to see my daughters BF just get entirely belligerent with her trying to take the baby. There was a struggle in my house with the baby (though he was fine) due to the BF wanting to take him away with him, and to where? Who knows, he has no home, no car, and supposedly had no money. So there was no way he was going to leave with the baby. I had to stand by my door because he wasn't about to just run off with him. He refused to leave without the baby, so I called the cops. Then he had to leave they informed him. He has no paperwork to just take the baby away from his mother. So he left but only off the property. He stayed pacing up and down the block waiting for my daughter to leave with her friends. Of course they never did, it took police so long to get there and tell him to leave that they just called it a night and went home.

I don't handle this situation well. I get very upset because he keeps my daughter scared and I am not afraid of him. And if I show this to him, he backs off slightly and isn't so quick to talk big anymore. He did kind of buck up to their dad when he arrived at around 12:30 at night! I couldn't believe he did it since he doesn't appear to do this to me at all - unless he has the baby in his hands. And seeing this makes me more confident that I get very stand off-ish with him. And I know this isn't right, but he does back off enough to where I will back off thinking he's coming to his senses, but as soon as I leave him and her alone again, the ignorance is back on. He stayed around the neighborhood till at least 2 am. By that time, we didn't see him anymore but figured he was still around. No one in his family or friends would come get him. I kept the baby, my daughter went home with my sister, and everyone else left.

I also had like a flashback or something. I couldn't rest all night. I slept with the baby but didn't really sleep or even relax. Every noise I heard kept me awake. I felt like some one was going to break in and I didn't think it was true of the BF to do something like that for any reason. So why did I feel like that? I guess I was thinking of the times I actually was worried my ex was going to break in and take something, those were the times I couldn't sleep. And the times I wouldn't leave the house cause I knew he was waiting around the corner for me to leave so he could come in and get something. And I was not about to let that happen yet again. But it was scary and paralyzing during those times. I hated it but felt it was necessary. At first I thought it was my daughter, I thought she went home but she hadn't, she went home with my sister. So she was safe. The baby was safe. I was too but didn't sleep or relax. Anyway, that episode is over now. He hasn't returned except for his things from her place, and left without any trouble. I don't get it. No trouble today, only the night she wanted to go out.

Her father didn't handle it as well as he normally does this time either. We thought he was going to fight him when he got here! But he did make him go further down the block and kept him away from the house. The cops were called three more times and they still wouldn't take him away. Even though they could see what he was doing was stalking. They told us since he hadn't harmed anyone, they wouldn't take him away or make him leave. It was ridiculous. She must be hurt before anything can be done. That makes no sense to me. And if she doesn't file, and I think she will not yet, he will just do it again. Her father and I discussed it a bit after everything calmed down and he was trying to force her to do something. Of course she couldn't. I don't think she would anyway, not yet. He came to the conclusion he was powerless. I did try to tell him to let her decide, he wasn't having it, not listening to me at all. I just hope the BF doesn't hurt her before she finally decides to stop accepting this crazy behavior from him.

I'm happy to have a God I can call on for the protection I can't provide my daughter. I can ask him to keep her safe.
I'm glad I have a program, even though I didn't think once about the principles in the heat of the moment this weekend. All weekend.

Maybe I need to say to God I am powerless, please help me to let this go and let her handle it. Still confused about how far I should be in it in my own home. Guess it is a good time to call my sponsor. I also found that hard. I guess cause I feel I failed to work it while all this was going on. But that will be on my agenda in the morning. I will call her to discuss this weekends drama. Then maybe an update on me after that!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

I finally made it back!

I made it back to my Al-Anon meeting this week! I haven't been since my daughter went into early labor(back on Labor Day weekend). There's been something going on every week since then. Or maybe I am just trying to keep me busy and not dwell on what happened. It felt so good on the way there, and a little weird on the way into the room. But it was an excellent meeting on making amends. And what a relief to finally be there! It really feels like family. A perfect end to my frustrating week. And one that calmed me down and made me ready for the weekend!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A really tough day!

Man, I seriously need a meeting. I have no car, it is in the shop right now, and I need a meeting. I may need to just jump on the bus and pray someone will take me home. I have been so angry today. My friend at work misunderstood something I said or tried to communicate to me and she seemed to be all upset at me and for what? I have no idea! Then when I asked her about it, she just didn't seem to be able to tell me what. So I left it alone. I think she must be stressed over something. All morning back and forth with her. I wasn't even arguing, but she seemed to think I was. I was seriously misunderstood. I felt like she was trying to make sure she had the last word, or win a fight we weren't really having? I don't know. Anyway, I did finally talk to her face to face and she didn't seem so stand-offish anymore, she thinks she's misunderstood too for some reason. She thinks we are being driven apart too. Why? I don't know, that's the first mention of it to me. We do spend less time together but I don't feel the same, we talk the same. We act the same. Just less time together. That's it.

Then I come home to my daughter and the grandbaby. That's great! I am very happy to see them. It's been a while. But my oldest is having trouble with her man. He wants her to spend time with him and he just makes her cry all the time. Of course, he has no car, no money. Oh now he does since she seems to be tiring of his whining ass. But he still has total control of her. And she's stressing, not taking care of herself and trying to do as he says all the time. When she should be resting. Then she's also running her friends around too and she's stressed about that! They give her money, which she has none of, and so there she goes running all day, instead of resting. Then she disrespects me due to herself stressing. So I got on her too. It wasn't totally good. But I was truthful and it wasn't nice. I try to be but it just doesn't seem to be heard if its nice. It seems anyway. So I had my say and I just want to be alone now. I want to call someone so bad, but what do I say? I feel like I am just whining myself. I know I should stay out of it, but she's going run herself down if she isn't told anything. I do feel I have a duty to help her, but only by suggesting what she should be doing. Not telling her. She ended up staying home and sleeping. I took my other daughter and the grandbaby home. Now I am here. Venting yet again.

I do feel like I need to whine, cry, vent, yell, I wish I could scream. It is not pleasant tonight. I talk to God, but I am not completely comforted. I wish I could reach some one by phone. I finally can relax and let the tears run now. They feel so good. I was weepy yesterday too. I was working on some grief stuff for my Grief Share class and the tears just kept coming. I guess I just need to release it and let God have it. And maybe cry. I wish things were different, I feel so powerless just watching what is going on. I have no problem with not touching anything that isn't mine to touch, but I wish I wasn't at home to see it either. It hurts to hear it. It hurts to hold back and just let things happen. I hope they get it faster than I did. I feel they are, but I wish it was faster. And let me not even begin with my example for them. I took way too long to get out. Okay I think I am heading in the wrong direction with that last comment, so let me stop and gather myself again and I'll just say good night.

I am still grateful I have a program as hard as it may be to apply it at times, I am willing to keep trying. And I am still thanking God for my new chance at a new, more fulfilling life.

Good Night...

Monday, September 18, 2006

Venting again!

A friend whom I confide in said something which made me feel bad. Maybe I am complaining too much, I am looking at me to see if I am. But I also think she was being mean. I am glad to have a program which helps me deal with this. I can not let it stick and give her the space she needs. I can also choose not to share with her anymore information that she could use against me. Which I did once again and she did the same thing. She will not do it again. I do complain a lot about my job, maybe I can just do something about it. I was just jacking around like I always do. And I kept jacking around and it seems she didn't care for it or she thought I was serious. But I wouldn't use information like that against her if she shared it with me. Actually, she was doing the very same thing when I first met her, complaining about everyone she works with! Many times she still does! Anyway, I actually try to encourage her but I get her maybe I should call it a justification of why she is entitled to feel the way she does. My word doesn't get thru, so I just end up listening.

And I need to remember she has no program. I need to remember her views concerning the program. Which she changes quite often. Anyway, so much for that. I feel better now. I am so glad I can vent here. Even those who have a program do this so it isn't just her. And I can still have serenity in the midst of crap happening to me. I can give it to God and leave it with Him!

Today I am thankful I can talk to God about it and leave it alone if it bothers me. I can let it go and not take it personally or let it define me. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this point in my life!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Downer Evening

I don't know what the deal is tonight. Besides the fact that my football team lost and they were ahead! I've still not done what I need to do around here. I feel like it is too overwhelming. There is so much to do here and I have no motivation to do it. I want to talk to someone and can't seem to pick up the phone. I haven't really felt like this so heavily before. Maybe its just a phase. I'm sure it'll pass. I feel just sleepy and not wanting to do anything! I am listening to music and I want to just lay down. I can't stand these downer days, or hours. It wasn't all day long. Maybe I will hit the sheets early to night and be refreshed tomorrow. I may need to just get on my knees and cry out to God. Gospel music seems to be the ticket tonight. I feel like He wants me to spend time there with Him. I think that is what I will do! Good night!

Busy Days

Well! I have been hopping for the last few days. I've enjoyed myself, but I've been busy, very busy. Home late, rushing to work, repeat, repeat. Thursday I had a good CodA meeting, then to dinner for some catching up with the group. Mostly men talk. That was fun. And an excellent steak!

Friday I had a Passion Party to attend for a friend. She was needing my friends to attend since hers wouldn't! But then they all showed up! It was done very tastefully, not lewd, nor very shocking. And it was fun, so much fun. My friend's friends got quite rowdy, I knew they would! They always do. And they did get checked a couple of times, not just by me. LOL! Still it was fun. Very informative and quite the learning experience. I found I was quite abnormal, and that will be as far as I go with that! That lasted from 6:30p to 12:30a! Party was over at 10:30 though. We just visited for two more hours, as women sometimes do.

Saturday, Avon delivery 8 am, Walking at 10:30 am, then Ice Cream on the Plaza, then my cousin and I shared a burrito, then the downtown air show was going on and I pulled over so I wouldn't crash, and watched the remainder of the show! I love the air show! I love the rumble of the jets as they go by! I can't tell you how much I love it! I got some good shots of them on Thursday and Friday! They were practicing and they flew numerous times over the building I work in! They were so close, so LOUD! Oh! I should have been a pilot! Nope! I'm scared of rollercoasters, so I wouldn't have passed the training I think! But I absolutely love the rumble!!! I feel like a kid watching them. I saw the Stealth Bomber as it flew over KCKS today! I will be attending the Hispanic Festival tomorrow and hoping to get a glimpse of the Bomber again and the Blue Angels! Oh! I love it!

I am so thankful I can enjoy my life more fully now! I missed seeing the planes and its only been a year. I love the natural high those jets bring when I hear and see them! I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT!!!

I am thankful my kids know they can call on God when they are in need of his help.
I am thankful for my dogs, Timber and Lady, who shower me with love.
I am thankful for my car, I mistreat it and it keeps on going for me.
I am thankful for CodA, and Al-Anon meetings I attend, I miss my Al-Anon.
I am thankful for standing up for me now a days!
I am thankful for the program everyday!
I am thankful for my daily readings! They help me so much.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

My First HNT pic!

There are a few things I love dearly... I think this picture represents them well. I love God, so glad for the faith I have in Christ, I love technology, and I am happy today. Last year at this time I was still going thru withdrawals from the toxic relationship I was in. Today I am Happy, Joyous, and Free!

Happy HNT!

I have a Sponsor

After so much time has passed and not even thinking of a sponsor, I've finally asked someone to be my sponsor and she's accepted! I'm so glad! She shares what I am not willing to share, I learn so much from her everytime she shares, she says out loud what I would never (previously) admit. I think this is going to be a much greater level of learning and growing. And, accountability. Whoa! I was wanting that a few months ago, huh? It's coming I'm sure. It's been a whole year without a sponsor. I think I've done good but it was on my mind to be getting one soon. Especially when my need for accountability surfaced. Anyway, I have one now and we've talked a couple times. I'm liking it.

More later!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Another Loss in the family

Last week was a wild ride once again. My oldest daughter who is pregnant, or was, had problems last Sunday evening. She thought her water broke (and it did, come to find out later) and we rushed her to emergency. They sent her home saying it wasn't so. Thursday night she had bad cramping which to me appeared to be labor! So again, we took her to emergency. Again they said, not so. Discharged her and before we could leave the hospital, she started bleeding. They said she was miscarrying. She was admitted, but they said she was not miscarrying but going into early labor. At four months. She ended up losing the babies, there were two, she was carrying twins. Twin boys. Both babies did not make it. It was a great shock, to all of us. They were developing correctly we were told and they had no idea why this happened. I think I am going back to work Wednesday. Kinda numb, still in a daze, but I think its okay to go. I've slept most of today away, not wanting to really do anything. I was supposed to go out tonight but was glad he didn't call.

I am so glad to have God in my life. A higher power that I can count on. One I can lean on and trust to help us all through. I have a lot of folks praying for my daughter to help get her through and to fight any depression that may try to set in. She was just getting used to the idea of being a mom. God must have other plans for her. God has not failed me or my family and I pray that we just keep going through. I haven't been to my meetings since all this began, I am looking forward to a meeting this week. I still may not make it if my daughter isn't feeling well. She also had to have a blood transfusion this past Sunday due to her loss of blood during the delivery. And you know, I think God was telling us this was coming. She was having dreams and I had one too about her losing the baby she was carrying. Only it was two!

Her father, my ex - seldom one to say something uplifting, upset me while we were talking about it Monday evening. I can't believe the crap that comes out of his mouth! I think he feels we should be more upset than we are. But yet he didn't go see her the last two days because he didn't feel grief for the babies? I don't get it. But I stopped myself short of going off on him and just ended the conversation. I am reminded of why I couldn't stand to be his woman many a time, he never could just talk anything out. He'd get stressed easily and just seem to get all loopy or lost. Unable to talk about any issue. I felt he was avoiding whatever the issue was that required his involvement or action! It was so infuriating and frustrating to hear him just trying to end it and get out of it! I am glad I can vent here. This feels good and it isn't harming him or belittling him in anyway. I did vent to a friend but I just needed someone to listen and not comment. I am so grateful for the ability to just let him be the way he is and stop allowing it to affect me.

Today, I am so grateful for my program!

I am thankful that even during this stressful event, I can still apply my program and be peaceful and serene, even though it takes work. I can Let go and Let God, and Live and Let Live. He(my ex) can freely be who he is and I can be okay with that today. Even if it reminds me of where I was just over a year ago. But that in itself isn't so bad, tells me how far I've come since then too. I can be grateful that my codependency doesn't have the grip it did just a year ago. I can be thankful my beautiful daughter is getting better. She looks better, I can tell she feels better. I can thank God for my two girls and the fact that they are just maturing at a better rate than I did. I thank God They are able to take care of themselves. I thank God I took them to church while they were young so they also know God. I thank God I have these two girls to go through with me. And the support of all my family in the program, including those of you who read my blog!

And I must end...Work tomorrow...Back to life as usual...Kinda.