Monday, May 14, 2007

Mama Day Weekend

Very good week for me this past week. I am still working on some issues but I am content with my life. I finally have the money I need to get a car and a little to spare. I am very slow at moving though, and gas just jumped over $3 here! I need help finding and choosing one. I am not good at that. Maybe I just need to pray about that huh?

My work week went pretty well. Good days, I got lots done. I am finally catching up my filing from a while back when our receptionist was out a unexpected week. Among various other days prior to that! I felt good at the end of the week that so many things were done and I was basically looking for work to do.

Friday's meeting was good but I could not get my thoughts together well enough to share effectively I think. So I kept it short and to the point! Then I saw my man after that. We went our separate ways on Saturday and I got to go shopping with my sister and her husband. We went shoe shopping and window shopping too. I found a pair of sandals I wanted and decided on them. My kids had been shopping for me and said they did not like the pair I wanted and I was not going to get them for Mother's day! So I got them myself! Well, I found another pair I liked a lot but not available in my size. So I gotta go online for them!

Sunday came and I went to church to meet the girls there. My kids had partied the night before and they overslept so I didn't get to see them. I went to church with SS and it was a very small church and it was very nice. It's been a very long time since I've been in another church. And even longer for a small one like this one was. I was very nice though. Everyone knew one another...well. I got lots of looks, but overall they were very nice. Many spoke to me and welcomed me and I got a very cool pen! I love it! I do not know if I mentioned...I am in an interracial relationship with SS, and his church is a small mostly all black church. I am Mexican. A very light Mexican. So I was actually expecting some dirty looks even in church, and maybe that was wrong on my part. I didn't get what I expected. Some surprised looks but not dirty looks.

But Sunday was great! After church we ate at a local Soul Food Buffet, which I thought would be better but it really was not to great. It was good. Just not what I had heard which was great. Later we went to his place and then to the movies to see NEXT. It was good. Hadn't heard about it much but it was good. Then I went home to wait for my girls, and only one made it but I did see them Monday. They both bought me some shoes. One casual tennis shoe and one dressy open toed wedge for work or casual.

My Mother's day was great. I hope all yours were too. I missed the Fiesta here again, but there's always next year. I just couldn't get down there. But I had a lovely weekend. I didn't have such a great Monday, I missed work due to a migraine. Not enough rest sleeping on the couch! I was so tired so I stayed home. And something did sit well with my stomach either. Anyway, it was still great! My dogs appreciated my presence at home all day with them though! They loved that!

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Awaking to a better day.

Today I feel so much better. I tended to the grand baby yesterday evening. Which kept my mind on him and not on me anymore. Until I started writing. Then the events of the day came back. And instead of focusing on the fun my baby had, I focused on the negative of the day. I do have a need to get it off my chest each time something bothers me like that though. I still think that is good. It always feels better.

I put the baby to bed after our outing to a neighbors Cinco De Mayo party. Early on there were but a very few kids. Later I went back and there were plenty of kids. My little chulo is now 1 and wandering all over the place. I love watching him. I found it hard to eat trying to keep track of him too though. He was eating with me but then got full and decided to play. Then we came home finally at 10:30! He was supposed to be in bed at 10! Out with his partying grandma!!! He didn't get to bed until 11!!! But he usually gets fussy when he's tired and he didn't. I hurried to make his bed and get it comfy so he could lay down and go to sleep. He patiently followed me around with his favorite blanket and thumb! He was ready to go to sleep as soon as we got home. Both dogs did the same. Followed me around. He laid down, I covered him and left him to sleep. Such a sweetie. We slept in today. Didn't go to church, the rain or thunderstorm, gave me the excuse not to take him out. He was sound asleep. So I watched my favorite preachers on tv this morning. And she'd only packed shorts for him and no warm clothes, it was cold this morning. Cold and wet.

I had a few bad dreams last night too though. I usually don't remember my dreams but they woke me up last night. All morning long too. I kept dozing until the kids came to pick up the baby.

Today I am grateful for a new morning.
Awaking to a better perspective of my life.
Awaking to care for my unconditionally loving pooches!
Awaking to a darling, still sleeping grand baby.
For the rainy morning...
For the inspiring posts of you other bloggers in my life.
For my wonderful God who keeps his hand on me.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!!

Now, today I had all kinds of plans, but earlier in the week, I agreed to watch the grand baby so my daughter could carry out hers. She doesn't do too much so I took the baby today. I was nickin' for a baby fix. I dreaded it cause I wanted to celebrate today, but for some reason wanted to see that baby worse than party! ~Or maybe that's just God putting me where I need to be, huh?~ Anyway, I was gonna clean up and straighten up and baby proof the house a bit so he could wander safely. Of course, that didn't happen. I did straighten up but I decided to run around with my man and a friend of his before I started.

That is where my man's friend decided he'd test me to see how Mexican I was. Being born here I am not your typical Mexican woman. I do not fit the mold. I am a career woman since I had to handle all the bills most of the time. I can't cook the way lots of Mexican women can cook. I'd like to, but I can't and I have never felt bad because of it. I had a man who didn't like authentic Mexican food. I was with him for 23 years and met him in high school. He did not like it when I tried to get more culturally in line with my own kind. And I let him direct my thinking in such a way that I just did what he wanted and let him talk me out of what I wanted to do or be. Except for my education, but he disliked even that about me. Even though he wanted me to be at home, barefoot and pregnant, I still got my education and had to support us most of the time. So I was not home a lot to do a lot of tending to my household. That is another full time job in itself. I do feel like I should be the way others say I should be.

But my heart now tells me I am as I should be. My program says I am exactly where God wants me to be at this point in my life. I do have lots to work on, but I do not need to fit into any one's mold. No one's idea of what I should do or not do and how they define "a good Mexican woman". Or even a good woman...

Earlier today I didn't let it bother me so much. I am happy with me as I am and my man says the same. He knows I can't cook well but he is happy for whatever I've fixed for him. I do not do it much but I do it when I can. If there is an opportunity, I usually take it. We don't live together, so I don't do it much anyway. I do cook for me. But I feel support from him and not shame. There is something funny I write this it hurts me. I was steel earlier and now I am crying. I think I should be the way he said, but I am not. There was also no way I was going to show any weakness to this man who I felt was judging me. I also think my "man" should have stopped his "friend" from being like that to me. He did interrupt, but his "friend" kept on going. Later his friend said he was just teasing and didn't mean to be so hard on me. I told him I wasn't worried about what he thought of me. But other than the more rampant judgement of not being Mexican enough because I am not a fluent speaker of Spanish (although I do understand and speak a lot of the language), my experience of taking care of home has been quite limited. I know I am lacking, but I also know I am working on me no matter what others think. And I don't pretend to be more than I am. I wasn't faking like I know more than I do.

Then this friend admitted he couldn't speak Spanish. He can understand it but can't speak it! Can you believe that?! Mexican-Americans who are not fluent would understand that is a big thing, the same as he thinks I should be "a good Mexican woman" he doesn't even fit under the stereotypical "Real Mexican" as someone who is fluent in the Spanish language!!!!! And that was my way to start in on him. But because he is my man's friend, and I didn't want to be disrespectful, or continue a stupid arguement, even though we had just met and he didn't hold back, I didn't say anything but gave him a look and didn't say a thing. But maybe a "Really?" comment. That made it so much easier to let go of what he said to me. And the fact that, for him to even talk to me in such a way, some woman had to have hurt him quite a bit. Maybe she was a "good Mexican woman?"

I was already told a while back that he was still hurting over his woman leaving him and that was mostly all he talked about. And its been years. I forgot how many. But I do think I need to talk with my "man" about his allowing that. I know I should defend myself, but I don't have good comebacks at all when it comes to arguing. And I don't think I should have to against his friends. It seemed he tried but I just feel he didn't try hard enough. I guess that is why I am hurt. Justified or unjustified, I still hurt. The combination of those two things just has gotten to me and it is coming out now. But I am content with who I am and I am working this program to love me and fix me. And that is still happening. But this bugs me - tonight.

So today I am grateful for being "ME"! And having a Loving, caring God who loves me as I am. And Who does for me what I can't do for myself!