Saturday, June 24, 2006

Detaching with Love

I have recently had a few times when I needed to badly detach with love. In the instance of my child and her boyfriend troubles, my ex and his girlfriend troubles in which they tried to involve me, my coworker who is very outspoken and seems to want to tell me how to live, these are just a few cases. I am very sure there are even more I just haven't acknowledged yet. This post on detaching with love at Cupcake Monkey's site is so beautiful. And I just love it. Take a look...

While I am still talking to my ex, it is not quite as often as before, and our conversations are changing to what I might have with those in my own group. Mostly about recovery. I hear him changing his thinking, or trying to change it. I hear more hope. I also hear a lot about what he was doing while he was using! It is shocking but not. He would never tell me any of this prior to me being in recovery. I would pass judgement on him immediately and make him feel badly for it. Now that I have been in the program for a little bit, I am a lot more non-judgmental and compassionate. Not only with my ex (which to me seems very unusually easy given our past) but with those I meet as well. If I know they've had a problem, I listen differently. And this is actually starting to seep into all my other relationships as well. I am so glad, it feels so good. I can handle things now I couldn't handle at all before recovery! I am happier and comfortable with me more so now than ever before, and that feels great!

I am also thankful for God revealing to me that I have an issue to deal with. It keeps coming back up so much and I know I need to deal with it because I don't want to. It makes me upset immediately and I know that I need to handle it - and do it soon, before I blow up on someone. I think I need some professional help and, to me takes a lot to admit. Before recovery, I would never have admitted I needed help, especially professional help, but today I see that I do. Honesty was the topic of the reading in Courage to Change for Friday, the 23rd. Being honest with ourselves. I do still have a bit of reservation revealing what it is I need help with around the tables and even in a one on one discussion with someone in my group. And when I am trying to avoid something, I know it needs to be dealt with. So I plan to seek out that help tomorrow. I don't know if I need to reveal that in my group, but you know, I feel that I do for some reason. Maybe that is the accountability thing I was wondering about...hmmm.

I am so thankful for -- The Victoria's Secret Annual Sale!!!!! :) I am so bad about getting things I need for me. I will wear my clothes til they have holes or they start falling off of me!!! I stocked up today. It was great! My daughter - who loves shopping - asked me to go with her to the sale and I went kinda nuts! I felt bad too afterwards, but not for long. I spent quite a bit, I normally wouldn't spend so much on me anytime I go there but the deals were great and I am happy with my purchases. I need a better job! I want more of that stuff! LOL

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Learning who to spend time with...

Late last week, a friend and I had lunch. She and I have been quite close, she knows a lot about me. Apparently, it is enough to hurt me when she chooses to do so. I don't think she did it purposely, but I just don't know. I felt it was unkind to make the remark she made about something I had told her in confidence and I feel like it was used against me. I noticed my response - I didn't have one and I think I should have. I should have defended myself and didn't. I think I didn't because besides being surprised. I didn't want to get into an argument with her in public. I was avoiding conflict. I did feel hurt and what she mentioned was true at one time although it is no longer true of my feelings anymore. I was pretty quiet the rest of the week. Didn't really talk much with her. She noticed. Then again I shared and she, as usual, doesn't get how I can possibly talk to my ex - period! Without being upset and angry with him. So I commenced to explain why I feel that it is not necessary for me to be upset with him - I experience more serenity when I accept him as he is. He's not changing anyway, no matter what I say or even what he experiences! And the program teaches me a new way of life. I have already been told maybe three times now that she may not need to be involved in my recovery since she has no program and she doesn't understand. Her part in my life is helping me remember to include God in my life and that is where it needs to end. I did stop sharing so much about my recovery part of my life but the drama in my life that continues on, keeps me sharing with her so much. I do share with her about the program and she doesn't really want to hear it. Although she does need it. Her family is full of alcoholics and addicts. She was a former drinker/user herself. They have been affected just as I have, I can see it (of course). She has absolutely no patience for any part of that lifestyle anymore but I feel she is still angered by it, she carries lots of anger behind it. Then there's her anger over her ex! Oh my! When I bring that up, she says she isn't upset over it anymore, but actions and her feelings of anger at him just seem to speak differently to me. Like she's denying she's still angry and not affected by his actions. I actually feel sorry for her being so upset still even after all these years they've been divorced! She looks at me in amazement at things I share about me and my ex in the short time since we've been broken up (just over a year now).

Since Friday, we talked a little and that day when we kinda went back and forth over how I can stand to speak to my ex at all, she asked, "Doesn't that bother you?" Of course, but getting upset doesn't make me feel any better and doesn't change a thing. I also said I don't want to be upset over what he does, I don't want to be like that(reacting like her - I actually pointed at her when I said it!). Going ballistic over what he says or does or doesn't do for me or the kids. And I've found for me, it works, I'm happy with my life and how I am learning to handle it by applying my program. She feels God is all I need and that is that! All this other stuff, CodA, Al-Anon, is not necessary(and that is putting it lightly).

At one time I felt the same, I do feel that God is all I need but the program taught me how to live what I was being told in church. I had it all wrong before my recovery began. I've had my faith since I was a child. And all through this relationship too! You just don't get this stuff in church like you get it in the meetings! AA, Al-Anon, CodA, NA, Etc, etc, they are all here for a reason! Today I am happy being me, not too long ago, I was not.

Oh by the way, this stemmed from today's reading from The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beatty.

Serenity approaches in the arms of acceptance.

I allow myself to be me today.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be!

AA Mo State Convention, anyone???

Anybody out here going to the AA MO State Convention in July?? The 14th - 16th in Jefferson City, Missouri? I am looking forward to this, I enjoyed the Sunflower Roundup earlier this year and I am ready for this one too. Hope I get that Friday off but it's looking like not. But who knows! Just gotta ask and see what happens!

Grandson Pics!!!!

More pics of my little Papasito! He's such a darling little boy, I know I am being such a grandma, huh? I know, huh! I hope so much for him, mommy and daddy. I can't wait to see him grow up. He is already cooing and laughing. But still not sleeping thru the night yet! LOL! He had us going late Sunday night...The boy would not go to sleep. I was helping and I was in bad shape the next morning for work. Being up at 2am does not feel good the next day at 7am! Coffee was my drug of choice and so was pop that day! And imagine, there is another on the way! Boy! They are just rolling 'em in ain't they!!!!

Fourth Step Work & my bad habits are back!

I really am discovering lots about me in my fourth step. There's a lot to deal with and I figured I'd better deal with the important stuff first. Thank goodness this at our own pace and we can take as long as we want. I think the abuse issues may take a while, since I don't know the first how to deal with it and I thought that stuff was over with and dealt with! But NO! It popped up a couple of weeks ago or something like that, I shared it here on the blog. I currently don't have a sponsor either and that probably isn't good. I really need to get one who I can talk to regularly.

Last night I felt kind of down in the dumps. I don't really know why, I was doing my fourth step workbook when it hit me. It did last until I went to bed but it wasn't very strong and as far as I remember, there wasn't anything real disturbing in my work I was doing. Just maybe some thing trying to bring me down is all. Sleep shook it off! Today I had a good day. Very productive, but I am being late again! Last week a friend in recovery asked how I was doing with that and I was doing good actually! Then the next day, LATE!!! And since then, LATE!!!! I just don't get it! I noticed that when I say something good about me or what I am doing, suddenly things change! And not for the good! I started Taebo as exercise a month or so ago. I was faithful for two weeks prior to going to Chicago. Came back and started right back faithfully again. Then I mention to someone I am doing Taebo and what happens? I stop doing it faithfully! I am currently struggling to get back in to my routine of doing it every other day! It is so hard....And I don't know why. I am struggling to get up in the morning again and I am going to bed earlier!!!!! It doesn't make sense, does anyone know what is happening? I am getting more done at work though, even though I am getting there late! Today it was lunch too! Late back from lunch. And that is not normal either! I guess I will ask God to change those bad habits, I don't think I've ever asked Him to change me in those areas. Exercise yes, but being late, no. I haven't included Him. I guess its high time to do so!

Monday, June 19, 2006

Another Serene Sunday

Wow! It's been over a week since I posted last! My life kept me busy this past week I guess. I had a very serene Sunday again. My afternoon I spent with my dad, sister, kids, and finally the grandbaby too. My dad didn't seem to want to hang too long with us. He must have had other plans. We took him for his steak, to a place called the Bamboo Hut. He loves it there, we watched the World Cup while we ate on a big screen TV, He loved it! I'm so glad!

Meanwhile, my ex was flipping out today. He was upset because the kids didn't seem to want to spend time with him. The kids and him never really seem to communicate well. It makes me wonder if I was always in the middle while we were together and I think I was, although I can't remember that. I bet he'd tell me if I asked him, but I'm not! :) He kept calling me to ask if they were coming over and I told him I didn't know, why don't you call them? I tried to make things happen last year and this year I am not doing it. It isn't for me to do it. They are grown (19 & 21), they can chose what to do and I know from what has recently happened this year, things are not good between them at all. So he says he's not going to call them, okay, fine, I'm staying out of that. They know it is Father's Day, I have no idea what the plan is but it should not include me. But you know, my codependency kicked in and I wanted to help, or fix, or make him feel better. I almost called but I know what it was, I didn't want to spend time with him, I just wanted to fix it for him. I resisted telling the kids what to do, or what I thought they should do. And they opened up about it. They felt that he wants everything to just be okay because he isn't using right now. He's been clean for two weeks I think he mentioned. And it's like he's forgotten what had recently happened between him and the kids. While I was in Chicago, the kids had trouble and called him to help, and he was in the streets again.
They wanted to come see him and he thought I had Put them up to it, so then he was tripping again. He basically didn't believe them and was now mad at me for it. So it just didn't happen on Father's Day since he upset them.

My announcement that was held up was that I have another grand baby on the way! My other daughter who is 21, is now pregnant. Shocking, seeing that she seemed so freaked out about my youngest having her baby. And she's due in January now. She's as far along as the grandson is old. Wow. I did accept this one a lot better than I did the first one. Anyway, that's the news! Good thing is they both want to move out. I hope they do. This place is way too small for all of us.

Soccer is in the air! I was just saying how I was not going to watch any soccer but my dad watching it Sunday made me kinda want to see it again and hearing the guys at work cheering even though they shouldn't be watching it at work in their cube, got me wanting to at least keep up with Mexico's progress. I guess I will be watching! And you can find the scores here:

Sunday, June 11, 2006

A Sort of Serene Sunday

Ahhh, just like a picture of the sea on another blog, did I have a very serene Sunday. I took the grandbaby to church with me, while the mommy went to work. Of course he went to the nursery, so I could be in peace in the service and in my Sunday school class. I may take him on Wednesday night too. She can have a rest and I can still go to my Wednesday night class at church I've wanted to get back to so much!

We, my daughter and I, hung out at the Great Grandma's house this afternoon. I was supposed to be going to the Great Grandpa's house this afternoon right after church. He wasn't home so we were (well, I was) invited to bring the baby over to the Great Grandma's house and so I did. It also is where my ex now lives again. I didn't know his mother (Great Grandma) wasn't there. But God is good, I know he watches over me. You know how I felt in my post yesterday. Well, I decided to tell my daughter I was going to take the baby over there. She immediately called, she was just leaving work - early at that. She asked if I wanted her to meet me there. So I decided No, I would rather ride in the air conditioned car she was driving. So I would wait for her to come pick the baby and I up first then we'd all go together. Meanwhile, while I waited for her to arrive, the ex called wondering where I was with the baby. I told him why I was waiting. Then he tells me his mother isn't there, so I questioned why am I bringing the baby, I thought she invited us over so she could see him. So he called his mom and both her and his sister were coming home now. So along with my daughter, his mom and sister would be there with us. He normally acts well in the company of others. But seeing his looks and hearing some quick comments toward me did make me uncomfortable and although I felt comfortable with his family there(they've kept in contact with me), I still saw this as not a good idea. Not good. He thinks things are still open for him to walk in. He was trying to control everyone not just me. He talks differently with his mom, seeming more forceful though joking at the same time. He still has a huge ego, and seems to think he needs to tell me many times of something he's asked me to do even though I already agreed to do it(upload baby photos so they could see them and print some off). I felt like he was trying to get me to do it NOW. Right NOW. And quite a bit more moody than before and easily offended.

Then he dropped the bomb on me...he asked if I wanted to have anymore children with him. Of course the answer was NO. He's known that for quite some time and it is a reason he left, to start another family, which, by the way is now taken from him yet again. He lost what new family he had due to her drug problem. This did make me upset. But still, I didn't prepare to leave. And I don't know if his mom still wants us together or not, but I notice that they never say anything when he says stuff to me like that knowing he has a girlfriend. But I guess that is not for them to handle, huh? That's mine, totally mine to handle. I did tell him that was the purpose of his new

I think, no, I know it upset my daughter too. My kids do not want him back around and neither do I. I don't think they see me really displaying that. One always wants me to hang out with him and I wouldn't, but today she seemed to see it differently and she asked me about it. I did tell her I don't want to be involved with him again, not to worry. I do miss hanging out with his family though, I did it a lot before we broke up. They all still keep in contact with me. His family loved and cared for me. So did his friends even though I didn't know that.

Anyway, not a good idea, I better heed my instincts the next time I am invited. And then not go. The less contact, the better! I don't need to be there. But God did watch over me today as he does every day. Even though I felt uncomfortable at times, I still had my serenity today.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

More issues to deal with!!!!

I have found so much this week that I need to work on. Besides trying not to allow the situation with my daughter and her ex to affect me, I also chatted with a friend in the program about the situation and he offered some help. I know it is just that, help. But due to things in my past, and my children's past, it bothered me. It really bothered me. I totally trust this man, but my experience in the past with a few men caused me to immediately question him. And unfortunately, I was not very nice about it. I would totally trust in any other area, except this one, I trust only one. I really didn't even realize it was still there so strongly. And, I think since in the past I wouldn't really show my anger and I do now, I come across quite mean sometimes. I really wish this wasn't so strong and I know that I am not really willing to budge on this issue yet. I don't want to be this way, but it is something I feel very strongly about. Unfortunately, I don't necessarily trust the men in my own family so, I think will have a very hard time changing this attitude towards men when it comes to my children. And yes, they are grown, maybe that is how I need to look at it.
I tend to stand on the defensive when it comes to them and anyone I know interacting with them. A while back, quite a few years, a man I worked with did something I jumped all over him for. I'd known him for a couple years and I would take my children with me to work and when him and I became closer friends he started to interact with one of my kids. Just playing around with them, it was innocent but as I watched, I got more upset and just walked right over and told him NEVER to do it again. I do not trust any man but their father dealing with them in that way. No play uncles, cousins, whatever! It is just not allowed. Of course, the girls were a lot younger then. And their father wasn't around. This is also why I would never invite any male friends over to my place and I still won't. Only if my ex was there. Anyway, when I did this to him(back then) it hurt his feelings and he said he meant nothing by it, he was quite stunned. I really didn't care whether he was hurt or not, we did remain friends though, I know he understood my point too. This time when it happened, I felt badly because of who it was, and I needed to talk about it with someone else. I know he meant well, but I was not willing to accept that at this time, and my attitude wouldn't change. I had to give that to God and ask for the change in attitude and even that was a struggle. I do think this is normal for a mom, especially if there is abuse in the past. I never did deal with my issue in any real way and I really don't know how. I guess since it has come up, it is now time to deal with it. So another season in my recovery has started.

Along with that, I have another surprise I can't yet mention, I am not real happy about but I accept it, and as soon as she lets it out, I will too. My ex's girlfriend is now in jail and he is calling often(daily, though I don't always answer) and is on me to come see him. The bad thing is I want to. I do resist though, I do talk to him and he is fine on the phone, but if it is face to face alone, he pushes the limits again. Now that she's gone I assume that is what is on his mind. And me without a man, huh? I know it isn't the road to travel again and I will not go there, but surprising to me, it is suddenly hard to resist. He claims the reason he likes to talk to me is my ability to be so non-judgmental concerning his life - I don't say what everyone else is saying or anything hurtful. I really think I need to be accountable to someone regarding this area, although I don't know how that might work, or even if I am supposed to do that in recovery, since I am supposed to make the decisions for me. I do feel bad because I feel this way too, not totally, but I do feel like I am nuts for even having trouble with it at all!

Being non-judgmental...I hope I can get to that point with my daughters ex...Anger jumps on me so quickly when I hear anything bad between them. And I know he has problems too that need treatment and a program. I just am not so compassionate towards him at all right now.

On a lighter note, I did the American Heart Association Walk today on the Plaza. Two and a half miles this morning with my company's team. We had fun, I forgot my camera though! I also attended a friend's Quinceanera(15th birthday) today. That was fun too, my first, it was very casual. Only the birthday girl had to dress up. And she looked good! Not so much dancing though, not that I would anyway. I may have tried to...maybe. But it was fun nonetheless.

And if you are not familiar with the Quinceanera, I found info on it that explains it very well:

A Quinceanera (in the tradition of it) is for Mexicans and other Hispanics, it started out with the Aztec Indians and the Mexicans picked up the tradition and changed it a little, Sweet 16's are for EVERYONE, not just white, black. Hispanics have them, Indians have them and even Asians have them. The difference is that the Quince is a tradition, there is a wonderful religious service dedicating the young lady to the Lord and guiding her in the steps so that she knows and honors him. A Sweet 16 can have all of those things but it is really on the lines of having a coming out party, contillion or debutante ball. It was a way of announcing to society that your daughter is at the age for marriage and family. Today the tradition has changed as women are now allowed to be educated. There is no longer the announcing to society and having the special family gathering (I do still see this!) it is a celebration of a girl becomming a young woman. Quinceaneras have held their traditions and that is what makes them wonderful.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Drama kicks in and so did my program!

Of course, when I go out of town, more hell breaks loose at home! My daughter and her ex-bf had another fight. He came to do this and he's using the baby to as an excuse to come by here. Things did not go well and the girls called me in Chicago. Of course I must have looked pale as a ghost! My friend said, "Now you are just going to be sick aren't you!" I had just kind of frozen in time thinking, how could this happen, but I knew it, if it was going to happen, it would be while I was away from the house. That is probably good though, I really would've tried to hurt him had I been there. I would have lost it - for sure. Well, I figured she was watching me react and I was oblivious to her reaction to me. I was actually praying! After trying to figure out what happened for a few seconds. I was thinking, if I am going to have a good time this weekend, I can't let this overwhelm me within my mind. Steps 1 thru 3 came to mind in my prayer.

(1)I am not in control of that situation... It is not mine to handle anyway... There is absolutely nothing I can or should is hers to handle and I must accept it no matter how she handles it! All this went thru my mind as I was praying. Lord please help me let this go...I know it isn't mine. I know what the program says I am not in control of anothers life! Everything is already over! It is done.

(2)If I want to have peace today, right now, I can believe that God can help me regain a peaceful mind. And he can keep it that way.

(3)I started calling on God to please restore my peace. Help me leave it where it is, back in Kansas City. It is done, all over anyway. Help me not to keep worrying or allow doubt to enter my mind! Give it up! Cast my cares on Him, He can handle it. Everything was actually okay.

So I said to her, "Before Al-Anon, I would have immediately left Chicago!!! But today is different." That was my first thought(to leave) when they told me what had happened. But what could I do 8 - 9 hours away? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I just needed to lean on God.

So almost as quickly as it took hold of my mind, I started working to let it go. I knew if I hung on to it, I would not be in a very good mood and I was already hungry. This was at the long awaited Giordano's we'd looked forward too all day long. Chicago stuffed pizza and there was nothing stopping me from getting it. We'd had a hard time finding it and my friend was about to give up. So I started asking people again where this elusive pizza parlor was! And they directed us. So while we waited for it, my mind returned to normal and I redirected my attention to my friend and the little girl whom we were babysitting and keeping her entertained! I enjoyed my dinner and the day continued on! Oh it did try to re-enter my mind, it always does. But I know if I am just as persistant on giving it back to God, it will disappear!

I am so thankful for the recovery programs of Al-Anon and CodA. Along with my faith, actually exercised effectively to produce so much change and serenity in my new life. It kicks in when I need it!

In the past, I would not have been able to make this trip, at least not without my ex. And if I were to guess, I wouldn't have done it if he didn't want me to, and surely he would not have wanted me to take this trip. And the dancing would have been out of the question as well. I almost hesitated to start dancing. I didn't recognize any of the music! I didn't know any of the latin dances! No idea, I just watched a few and then someone asked me to dance. I accepted. They looked simple enough to do. It didn't seem to bother him, I can follow if he leads and I did. I had to relax and let him lead and then it was as if I knew how. Some were harder to do and I didn't attempt those, well, yes I did one. I didn't fare well, but it was funny!

Of course, folks were all drinking here and it was so hot! By the time we left, we had to fight off the guys, who were pretty drunk and becoming very possessive. And not happy with our responses to stop trying to paw us or make things happen that were not going to happen. And the fact that the drink I wanted was WATER! LOL! It was REAL HOT! So we made a quick exit and got home to have some soup before bed and share a few stories about our night.

I've not had the chance to do these things before. I was involved with my ex since high school. So it is all new to me. I thank God for my new life, I feel so free and so much more content without all the craziness I had come to accept as normal in my life. Yeah, it is still drama filled to a certain extent, but it is just different. Better. A journey I am enjoying. And God is working it all out right before my eyes.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Road Trip!!!! Chicago!!!

Finally able to post again! I really missed my PC over the three day weekend I took! Boy, the week was hard. Only three days to finish all my work and get ready for Chicago. So much to do! The week went fast and then we left for Chicago! I don't normally do well when I am tired and we didn't leave until 10pm Thursday night. So I took first shift. I drove all the way to St. Louis, my friend drove all the way to Chicago. We arrived at 5:45 am, directly into a traffic jam! The AM traffic on Friday morning. Each of us slept while the other drove so we each only had - if we were lucky- only four hours of sleep. And you know we didn't. We kept going all day long on Friday too! We visited a friend of hers whom we spent the night with(couple and their child) and had Menudo for breakfast. Then to the top of The John Hancock Tower to see the sights, shopping, movies, Bubba Gumps Shrimp for dinner, Navy Pier, and that was just Friday!

Saturday: The Art Institute, shopping on Michigan Ave & State, Millennium Park, The Bean, Fountains, Gardens of the World display, Chicago Style Pizza - Giordano's, then dropping off the 4 yr old we had with us all day! Then off to another friends house, to visit, catch up and dancing to many different kinds of Latin music all night long until 4 am! We had so much fun, just doing things as they came up. Getting around on the buses was easy. People there were very helpful and willing to get us where we needed to go. They just started up conversations as if they knew you as a friend!

My friends friends were so open and telling me their home was my home, help myself to whatever! And they were sad to see us go. They gave us their beds to sleep on and fed us and kept us entertained. They were so nice and were calling me family as well even though we had just met! I had fun with them and I will miss them.

Of course the dancing was quite a thrill. I didn't think anyone would ask me to dance, it was a Mexican club, and normally I do not get asked to dance, at least not in my home town! Well, that was not so in Chicago! I was dancing nearly non-stop the entire time I was there! I had to beg to sit down or go to the ladies room! The ladies told to me just stick to my guns because these men tend to think they own you if they dance with you, buy you a drink, or just get too drunk! And that started to happen near the end of the night! They did get very possessive and one got down right psychotic with my friend! Well, he started getting quite angry hovering too much and too close for comfort. I did have to decide between being "nice" or setting them straight about why I was there - just to dance and nothing more! I feel I needed to get a little bit evil but he just kept coming, and therefore, was asking for it. Not accepting "No" for an answer turned me off and got me a little upset and uncomfortable. As I stood my ground, he finally backed of and let me be, but I still had to leave because I could tell he was not very happy with me either! Same as their men who kept being clingy and possessive! But I did have fun dancing while it lasted! I did observe the other two ladies who were with me to see how they were doing since I felt I didn't really know what I was doing. I've never dated before and everything I did at the dance club was very new to me. I didn't know the dances and don't even listen to Latin music on a normal basis! I would normally turn down men too if I didn't know how to dance, but not so this time, I just told them what was up and they helped me out! With others I just looked to see what everyone else was doing and did the same! I had a great time! And all these men and her friends spoke Spanish as their first or only language so I was practicing my Spanish all weekend as well!!! I learned a lot of terms this weekend.

But I really missed my email and blog reading and all that stuff, no geeky stuff this past weekend for me! I am nickin' for it too! More soon! Of course all Hell had to break loose while I was gone! So far away and I am powerless over it anyway! There's where the program kicked in! Thank God for Him and my program!