Monday, October 30, 2006

Old stuff/New stuff

It's so funny that the day I am so early for church was daylight savings weekend! It just let me know I still have other areas to work on with me. I am also still in a pinch financially due to my unfinished business! God, please help me to move! Oh! I am getting slightly frustrated again with me! Tonight I finally admitted this to my Sponsor! Finally! She told me I needed to get a move on it! What was I waiting for? I have no idea...

This weekend my ex mentioned some old stuff to me again. He said, "I wish you would find a man so I could feel better!" And, other stuff about me hurting his feelings and being angry a lot. I couldn't believe he was talking this way about me yet again. I mean how many times do I need to apologize for what I did that I didn't realize was hurting him? I said I was sorry a couple of times already. He just won't leave it alone. How often are we going to relive all that stuff? I knew that if I kept the conversation going, it would probably turn into an argument. So I politely excused myself from the conversation and went about my day.

As far as the man comment, I figure he still feels guilty for doing what he did. I am pretty much okay with it now. No, I didn't like it and still don't, but I can look past all that now and I still know it is God's will we are not together. How can I dwell on it if I know that for a fact? I can't! It's okay with me now. He does apologize a lot! Still. And I keep saying its okay. Really. But I keep getting the same thing. Anyway, I guess that is his problem not mine. I did say his happiness should not depend on if I have a man or not. What I do shouldn't matter to how he feels. That's like, Codependency, right?

He's also said his girlfriend is so unbelievably jealous. And he's told me previously that I wasn't jealous enough in our relationship. True, I am not the jealous type. I guess you get what you ask for... I trusted my man was all, and I knew he was mine. I even knew when he was no longer mine, if I think about it. I knew something was going on, way to obvious, he wasn't like that and I could instantly tell, but not willing to accept it at that time. But at least it doesn't stick with me anymore. It took a little while before I let it go! God is good!

God also spoke to my needs this Sunday. The sermon was directed at those of us who feel like "Why is God blessing them in such a way and he doesn't do that for me?" I guess I have to get the tape because I suddenly can't remember the answer. Although there may not be one set answer, he could be seeing the attitude we have, us questioning him. He has specific plans for us that are different from those we see getting blessed. We don't know what they've been through for them to get what they've received from God. I know me, I am hard-headed, I don't want to do certain things I think God wants me to do, and I don't trust Him with everything. And finances is a hard thing to let go of for me. I do want to be in control of it all on a constant basis, but in my way. Not necessarily the "right" way. Or the way God wants me to do things! You know, that trust thing keeps getting right in my face all the time! I know I have an issue there and I am trying to work on it, just a little unsure how to change it...or am I? Hmmmm.

Today I am thankful for:
...My dogs even though they are driving me nuts!
...My G-Baby not getting Strep!
...Me not having Strep!
...The peacefulness in my house!
...Me having two couches. Its a pain, but it will get worked out! And the one we are babysitting is more comfortable than mine anyway!
...My Sponsor!
...My friends in recovery!
...Everyone who reads me, comments to me, and/or checks on me if I am M.I.A.! Thanks to you all! I wouldn't have thought of a fellowship out here but there is one out here.
...That no matter how hard-headed I get, God is still providing for me.
...God giving me chance after chance for me to trust Him to change me.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

More brought to my attention

Well, today I am home. I am sick. I have a sore throat that I was afraid was strep throat. I don't think so. Or at least the doctor doesn't think so. Thank God! She didn't even run the quick test for strep but gave me antibiotics for my sore throat anyway. I have a headache, stuffy nose and bad sore throat. I have been putting off the doctor visit for ever - since 2004 to be exact. I thought it was longer. But I decided to ask the doctor about other ailments or happenings I thought needed her attention. And she isn't my doctor, she's a new doctor there in the clinic. I got her postcard earlier this week. And I planned on seeing her soon, but no move to make an appointment. I never have chosen a doctor. Since I signed up for the insurance plan at work last year! My mom would always go to the doctor but not me!!! I favor my dad's opinion and don't go unless something freaks me out or takes me down! So there I went today. My boss was in to work with Strep and then two days later I wake up with a sore throat! I used to get these bad sore throats every year and then have lost my voice for a week or so and all was well. Its been a few years now that this has happened again. Only I still have my voice. Anyway, I kept telling God I'd go to the doctor when I got a chance. I guess He said "you will go now." LOL So hear I am blogging about it and feeling bad but glad it is not Strep! I was just kissing that beautiful baby boy (my G Baby) just last night when I saw him! Okay, well I am pretty tired, so I am heading back to bed. Hopefully to feel better!

Today I am thankful...
...That I get to rest.
...That I didn't have Strep!
...That I get to sleep as long as I want.
...That I can read my recovery devotionals, talk with God, read my literature on a quiet, rainy day, and in a quiet, empty house. So relaxing! Now all I need is soup! Maybe I can get a baby to bring that to me! And I can be grateful again!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Its good to be back!

Well, suddenly my DSL started working again. Yeah! You cannot, I repeat, cannot, take a geeks Internet access away! It will KILL them! Anyway, back up and running for now.

The past weekend was pretty nice too. We did our annual meeting room cleaning Saturday and though we didn't really get to talk much, I enjoyed just being around all those who came to help out. It was a nice two and a half hours.

Nothing dramatic all week, praise be to God! I am still being disciplined though. I have been given a break from my job, I thought for a while. But no. Our receptionist was in the hospital and will be on bed rest for two more weeks. So I was getting comfortable in her job since I am the back up. This also meant I needed to be there early to bring the switchboard up on time and answer phones at 8 am! And I am not the most punctual person. I never have been! This was forcing me to get there early, thus finally on time!
Well, last week they brought in a temp. So I'm thinking, well daing what did I do wrong? Oh nothing! I was needed in my previous position cause my boss was getting a bit stressed and we need all our people for our department to run smoothly. Anyway, I still had to be there on time to let her in, bring up the board, so I still need to be there early! And train her! Now she finally has her own login but no security card to get in on her own. So I still need to be there early and she likes to be there 20 minutes early! This is tough for me folks! Very tough. You see how late I am posting! I am making it 15 minutes early now but it is tough. Sometimes I still make it only ten minutes early. But early! I think God knows what he is doing! Could he possibly being creating a new habit through my situation? I think so. It is still tough but that is because my nights haven't changed and they must! I feel better when I sleep longer. So goodnight! And this is actually early for me! Miss Midnight!

Its so good to be back!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

A Nice Weekend

I am still struggling with what happened with my daughter last Sunday. I shared Friday that I feel 'right' about my actions but I know they were not. I feel I should be able to handle it and like I am being hard on me, but they are my girls. Yes, grown girls, but my kids. Anyway, maybe that stuff about how I set the example being thrown at me kinda sunk in a little bit. Anyway, I am slowly letting that go and trying to stop dwelling on it. I feel responsible but I know they know what is good for them and what is not. I should leave it at that. It is still not mine.

Saturday, I kinda got volunteered to watch the grandbaby without my advance knowledge. I did make a small stink to my ex, who was the one who volunteered me because he wanted to take the kids out to dinner and a movie. That was fine with me except that I got drafted as the baby sitter. I don't know if that sounds bad but my daughter knows she isn't to do that. She understands how I feel about just dropping him on me. I love him very much, but don't impose. I didn't fuss with her, I had to talk with my ex. I guess my daughter felt guilty and kept calling to see if I was okay and let me know they would be later than expected. I really was fine, I hadn't seen the baby since last Sunday and I was nickin' for a baby fix! He was a little fussy so I decided to dress him up and go with my sister to a friends birthday party I had previously declined. Ok, my sis really didn't want to go by herself and so went the baby woke up, we took off to meet her. She lured me out with lots of food! I was hungry! And I hadn't seen her friend in a while and time to show off the grandbaby! LOL! I had fun. He was fussy, he doesn't go out much and so he cried a bit. Took a little time to adjust and then he was happy being passed around and seeing the other kids. He's such a sweetie even when he's fussy!

Later that night, both my sisters and I went on a graveyard tour of the Elmwood Cemetary here in KCMO. It is the 2nd oldest cemetary in the city and supposedly the most haunted. The tour started at midnight and ended about 2 am! We didn't see any ghosts but it was pretty interesting. I didn't feel scared either, I thought I would. But I was fine. I am very easily spooked! Its just crazy, I am. The kids don't like to sit by me in scary movies because I jump and scream and what ever else I do! They know they secretly love it! LOL!

Today I watched that horrible Chiefs game! We lost big time! I fell asleep before the end of the game, it was bad.

Pastor preached today on Trusting God with everything. Even the small things, I know I need to work on that. I need to work on listening too. He was leading me to stay out of that last Sunday and I didn't listen. I guess that's why I got the call right in the heat of it. To keep me from jumping back in the middle of it! I felt caught in the act. And it stopped me in my tracks. It worked. But I was not happy about it. And I never said thanks, which I feel I need to do. It did get me out of the situation in a hurry. I appreciated it although I could not show that or say it at the time the call ended. But I did even though I still struggle with my feelings concerning the whole thing. I'll get it right. No matter how long it takes, I'll get it right.

I also started going to a new class this morning at church, one dealing with offenses. I don't totally understand it, but I did like the testimonies and what we talked about today. We had lyrics to a song by Lee Ann Womack, "I Hope You Dance". It was not what I thought it was about. I just never understood all the words. Of course it started the waterworks going with me! So glad I picked up a napkin with my sandwich they were serving. It was great. The last class I attended was great for me, I feel this one may be the same as well. The talk was about how God created us with needs and those needs point us back to him. I need to get the book so I can really follow along.

Pastor also mentioned something to singles today. We are complete in Christ. He mentioned that our mates need to share our faith. I believe this, and think it is a guideline I should follow, but then I thought about the man I am seeing. I haven't asked this question and I am pretty sure I know the answer. He's a sports buff so he doesn't go to church, because he is at the games on Sunday. I don't know what his beliefs are or if he has any opinion on God. Guess I need to have that discussion. Kinda worries me. I usually make it a point to ask very early in a dating relationship what their beliefs are and here I didn't. That kinda sucks if it turns out I feel lead to leave him alone and end that relationship. Especially since he is kinda growing on me now! I didn't see it going anywhere before but I like the very slow pace it is going. He is a good man as far as I can tell. He works a lot though. Anyway, it would really suck to feel I needed to end it! I guess I really need to pray on this...

Friday, October 13, 2006

Internet down! Wah!

I've been trying to get a new post on here for a few days now. My DSL line is down for some reason, could be my modem jacking up! Who knows! Hopefully it will be resolved soon and I can resume my Internet access more easily from home. Just an FYI for my absence!

Wednesday made 1 year that my mom passed. My sister called to remind me of that and now I am weepy! For the last three days! But guess I'll be okay. Today has been tough. Weepy all day long...

Monday, October 09, 2006

A Hectic Sunday afternoon

Sunday started out unpleasant. My car gave me crap and wouldn't start. I hadn't been to church in a while and was dying to go! By the time it started finally, church was over! And mind you, I haven' tbeen to church in about a month now! So I was not in the best of moods. And, I hadn't read my readings for the day yet!!! My oldest and her BF were arguing and we were all going to my sister's house and I didn't want him to go if he was going to be constantly arguing with my daughter. So I said something and not in the nicest of ways. But definitely not in the worst way either. Of course, he tried to make it look like I was picking on him and then he did disrespect me - not surprising, really. Then I got upset and kept saying stuff to him. It did only make things worse. I was finally pulled away by my youngest who said to just leave them there. So finally, I did.

I was about to head back over there again to voice more of my opinion to him when a friend in recovery called. Upon seeing who was calling me, I was stopped in my tracks, I almost didn't answer the call. Then I did. The call kept me from getting back into it. I felt like I had been caught, or rather, stopped from continuing on back into what was not mine to handle. It was hers and I wanted to protect her. It was a relief really, but I did feel caught. I know they could probably hear the struggle I was having with myself, I also almost excused myself from the call and was going to say I would call back later. I was fighting back tears. I was trying to hide all the emotions I was feeling from my friend, I don't know if they could tell, I could hear it all in my voice and I was so mad I was shaking.

As I continued with the call, he asked if I was taking sides and I did have to say I did. That is my child, I felt compelled to take her side. But I was honest in my answer. He talked to me almost until I made it to my sisters house, out of the situation, finally calmed down, and still trying to not think about the situation I'd just left my daughter in. A more pissed off BF than when I pulled up. But he doesn't put his hands on her, but it is all verbal abuse. He's never happy but it still wasn't mine to handle. She's grown, she can handle it, she's getting tired of it I can tell. Maybe that is why it is getting worse. But I still need to give it to God, He will protect her and can handle it better than me.

I had to fight it today too. Each time I thought about it, I got angry all over again. I had to keep giving it back to God again throughout the day. God is good. I am glad to have a program and can't believe how it worked out to get me out of what wasn't mine to begin with. This journey is amazing. Especially one day at a time.

Tonight I had a long talk with my sponsor. We were deciding on how to handle my fourth step workbook. And it is set for us to start going over it. This is my first fourth step. I guess I have one more section to go over and it will be complete. This is going to be interesting.

Happy for the Chiefs winning again! I hope this keeps up!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Spirit of the meeting

Last nights meeting was so unbelievable to me. Someone came in and shared how something was hurting her deeply. She felt judged by others and mainly her family. She was very hurt by it, and it had been going on quite some time. Others around the table responded and one woman told her directly "They are mad at you because they wish they were you. You know who you are and aren't afraid to be that. They are the ones with the issue, not you." She also told her how beautiful she was and the way she said it was so amazing. That lady almost had me crying! It was great! God was really moving in there last night. People had so much ESH for each other there and it was all so helpful to hear and wonderful to see that kind of spirit in the group. I don't think I've seen it flow that well before! Not quite like that. It was great!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Amazed at God's ability

As a result of the loss of twin grandbabies, I attend Grief Share classes at my church on Tuesday nights. My daughter does too and my sister. Well, last night we talked about holding on to anger, bitterness, resentments, and forgiveness - all leading to depression. I was trying to identify with what the people on the video were saying. They each said for a time they were angry at God. They were angry at the loved one who died, and held on to their anger. Some took it out on others and some went into depression. I didn't feel those things when my Mom, Grandmother and now the grandbabies passed. As I listened to each one in the group share, I still didn't feel the same degree of anger these people expressed. I did share a few of the prayers they shared. And one was to not harbor any bitterness toward my ex. I kept praying that often in the months following the break up. God answered my prayers.

When my grandmother passed, it was immediately the next day that my Mom went into the hospital. I immediately requested of God, "Please not both of them in the same week!" He waited a couple more weeks before Mama passed. But not once did I get angry with God. I knew she would feel better. She wasn't happy with her condition it made her so uncomfortable to go thru Dialysis three days a week. I'm not saying "How could they be angry", I was trying to identify with them and was wondering why I hadn't felt the same.

When it came time for me to share, I had identified with the lady sitting next to me. Concerning her ex. That relationship ending taught me to rely on God for my support. I hadn't been doing that while in that relationship. Then I'd been lead to attend Al-Anon! And CodA! Which then taught me to "Let Go and Let God". And forgiveness had always come easy for me, always. I can forgive and in almost all cases, forget it. But the tools I used to help me deal and heal with my new life, had helped me handle my losses which still seem non-stop since just before the break up. I didn't feel so bad due to my relationship with Christ, trusting Him to care for me, change what I couldn't change, and Letting go! And sharing with others in group, talking to others in the group, etc, etc. So my tools are reaching into my entire life. And it is so amazing to see God working thru this program in my life. It is truly amazing.

The thing the video kept stressing was anger, when held on to, creates resentments and bitterness. And if not released or dealt with, could lead to depression. And without forgiveness to those who had passed away, for whatever reason one is upset with them about, you hinder your own growth. And hinder your own healing process. Its just all around bad for you. Basically, forgiveness is necessary for our healing and growth. My sister saw herself in the testimonies of those on the video tape. She realized for the first time where and why she is depressed. And stated she knows what to do about it. She needs to work on it!

God is so amazing! So Amazing! I am so glad today to have a God that can change you in an instant. He can reach you where ever you may be at any point in time! God is so good!