Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Strong feelings today

I attended a Memorial Service today for a friends mom. I did get a bit worked up while I was there. When they were describing her. It made me miss my mom. It made me wonder what I'd like said about me. Got me thinking about my life. I am very happy with it. Most of it anyway. I wish I'd handle my finances better, well, I am but it will take me a while to progress to where I wished I was. I am always so slow to make the moves I know I need to make. I keep praying for me to get better at that. But I am still not moving. Its like I am afraid of something happening. Or maybe that I may make the wrong move. It is almost like I am still with the addict who is now out of my life! Still it was good to see a couple of friends and some Al-Anon folks!

I also couldn't get in touch with my bf tonite. I've had him around a lot lately and I felt bad that I couldn't help him with his situations. I couldn't get in touch with him today and I instantly thought something was wrong. I think I'm so weird with these suddenly so strong but wrong feelings. I thought he was mad at me since he wasn't returning my calls or texts. It came on me so strongly that it was over between us and I felt it was because I refused to help him with his needing a ride to work. He goes in very early and I don't. And the couple of times I've taken him in early, I've hurt so bad all day at work, that I really can't do my job well. It is very noticeable and taxing on me. So I said no. And based on his reaction, I think it was very unexpected. But he agreed. Then when I couldn't get ahold of him, my mind started to going and kept on going. I hate that! I think too that my daughter being here last night kept me company. I love it when they come visit, but then I feel needy when no one is here. I can even have plans and when I get like this, things go so crazy for me in the emotional department!!! I get weepy and lonely-acting. I can't stand it but it happens and I always end up over-reacting to nothing! Tonight it was nothing once again. At least I think it was nothing.

Well. I could still be thinking about Mama too...I get pretty weepy when I've stirred up thoughts of her. And the Memorial service today did that.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Progress here...Backtrack there

It seems that I am making progress at home. Though at the same time, I am going backwards at work! I am slowing down there. And that is not a good thing. I think my boss was stressed this week. She seemed very irritated and moody all week.

At home I am getting a little bit more done. I am loving that. But I'm on late again and I'm tired. So this will be continued soon...

I did find some very hard to find music I loved and it was stolen from me twice!!! I had not been able to replace it for years since then. My sister located it and I made the purchase today! I am so looking forward to it arriving. It is Christmas music and Contemporary Church Hymns sung by popular Christian music singers. I so enjoyed these tapes!!!! I wore them out and found CDs for some but not the Christmas music! I found one! I am making copies of them all and NOT going to carry the originals any more!!! That is my treat to me for this week! And should be until Christmas!! It wasn't a large amount of money but more than I expected to pay. But very hard to find music that gives me so much joy! I am very satisfied!

Saturday, November 10, 2007

A little progress...a little...

Well, its been a while and I am finally getting a very little something done around here. I wish it were more, but it is a start. I am working long hours still and when I get here, I want to just relax or go to sleep! I can't wait for church tomorrow! I have been skipping, though I went back last week, I miss hearing the word. I love my church.

I have started exercising but I do need to just make it a little more regular. It is getting to that time of year when I will definately gain weight if I do not exercise - since I don't exercise very much control over the amount of treats I eat. I want to try everything!

I have a friend whose mom went into the hospital last night and it really didn't sound good at all. It brought back to me all those feelings when my mom was about to pass. It all just rushed back quite strongly too. Well, today she is doing much better, responsive again and speaking. She had a tumor removed earlier this year and it was an incredible difference and a good recovery. Unfortunately, it is back and has spread fast this time. I hope she comes out well and stays around a few more decades! That's my prayer, and I'm stickin' to it!!!

Well, I missed my meeting Friday. I stayed late at work and then got home and just sat in front of the TV! I was not wanting to do anything but sit there! I was a couch potato all night. I had a shoe catalog too! I was dreaming of what I wanted out of it! Not broke, just cheap, too cheap sometimes. I need stuff!

Today I am grateful for:

My program.
My church.
My dogs.
My life.
My kids.
My grand baby.
My car.
The quiet me time God so obviously wants me to have. I need to have it with him!
My God, who keeps giving the time to be with him...but do I recognize it! NO!
Visits from my kids.
My home.
My PC.
My Internet.
My blog, which has helped along with journalling in my program.
My friends in Al-Anon.
My job, I still love it!
My new bottle of Lime Verbena body lotion! Oh my gosh it smells so good! Almost like the Bath and Body works one I love so much but won't buy since I'm so cheap!!! But it ain't cheap for a small bottle of lotion!