Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Flying too close to the flame??? Again?

A close friend just mentioned I am spending lots of time with my ex again. I am not spending time with him. I am talking to him again - a lot. And, he is apologizing and crying and all that kinda thing. No, I am not thinking of taking him back. I do know why he is calling me, she's gone right now. She will be back and it isn't me contacting him, and things are different now. Boy! If that didn't sound defensive! But, we can actually talk about what happened between us and both of us know it was meant to happen. So instead of getting upset about what she says this time, I can look at me and evaluate what's going on, if there is any truth to what she says. And there isn't. We do share recovery and that is almost our entire conversation each time we talk, besides the kids troubles and happenings. Yes, he does throw in his - can we do anything line. If we are together, he doesn't touch me. I refuse, and yes, he gets upset and pouts. Not trying to show it to me though. Then he says he knows he shouldn't ask, but he does anyway. Well, I was informed his mom was out of town for a week or so, so if I get lonely, I could call. I haven't talked to him all week except once. And it wasn't about being lonely it was again about whatever he is revealing to his therapist and feels he wants to share with me I guess? It is some pretty disturbing stuff I knew somewhat a little about when I met him, but I had no idea how bad it was.

And you know what? While he shared these things with me, he mentioned something that he had previously told me but I thought nothing about. He described an incident that brought back to my memory my past abuse. The issue that bothers me about my kids to this day. Well, it isn't the exact same issue, but it just seems like me needing to deal with this past abuse keeps coming up again. When he previously shared it, I didn't think of his experience as abuse, but it is. Like I was numb to it or didn't recognize it as abuse since I feel it happens to everyone. Only now is it really coming clear since I've been in the Al-Anon program. And I remember how someone shared with me that codependents sometimes think we are responsible for our own abuses, even at the hands of someone else. I thought, no, I'd never feel like that. But I do, I know it wasn't right for that person to do as they did, but I feel like I could have stopped it at any time and didn't! Now I know that it is what it was - abuse. Not my fault, I was young, very young and the person responsible was an adult. As a matter of fact, since then, I kept such a close eye on my girls, especially with this man. I taught them to say something if anyone does put their hands on them inappropriately. It didn't matter who the person was, it was wrong. My abuse was not near what many others go thru, but it still has an affect on me to this day! And no, I haven't yet sought counseling...I know I need to...soon. The fear I felt a couple of weeks ago was not pleasant. I don't want to have that reaction with any and every man who comes into contact with my kids. My grown kids...

But maybe I am flying too close to the flame again. Well, this time I don't feel the pull like I did before. And if I again get to feeling like I want to see him or be with him, I know it will pass if I just ask God for His help. I hear it from those I share this with, if I hear some concern in a comment or like my friend who says it straight out, I listen to it and examine me. The person that I used to be is still too fresh to be non-chalant about it. It's only been a year or so. I used to be offended by such a comment. Now I just feel its God prodding me to get back in line. To "Watch it". At least I can look at myself honestly now. And, I know my culture plays a strong part in it too. I am very submissive, especially with men. I still try not to offend someone's feelings, especially if I am not familiar with them (which does not apply to my ex! I offend him quite often - now, joking though - but not really!). But I heard and I feel I am responding appropriately. In a way that will keep me safe and taking care of me. In another area, I am not doing that! I need sleep and here I am! Good night!

Jazz Fest anyone???

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Needing Direction!!!

Today I am glad I have a program to apply to my daily dealings. Sometimes folks you work with can rub you the wrong way and, if they don't get the response they were looking for, they will try harder rather than quit. I guess misery loves company. Anyway, I see an opportunity opening up and I am not sure if it is the one I am supposed to take, so I am needing prayer for my God's direction. As always I am lacking in skills needed to fit a certain job description and it intimidates me to try. I am feeling this intimidation right now. I want to try since I am so bored with my current position, and I always excel at what I have done professionally, but I am still lacking in a couple of areas. Anyway, I just want to know if this is an opportunity I am to take. I guess if God wants me there he'll give it to me. Then if not, he won't put me there. Maybe that is my answer! LOL! Whenever I ask for direction, I don't always get a certain answer or I could be confusing myself in some way. It still sounds interesting but comes with a lot more responsibility. I've been avoiding that but this feels different for some reason, hopefully not just because I am bored to death in my position!!!! Thanks to those who do lift me up to the HP for my direction on this matter!

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Miami!!!! I'm going!!!

Well, just talked to my high school friend about going to Miami in November! We are going!!! We have chosen to drive since flying seems to cost so much at this time. $1000 - $800 range! Too much! Good thing I can drive a spell! I can last at least six hours at a time! But I do need to be rested and comfortable! Now hopefully, no one has asked for the same time block off!!!! I just need to schedule that time off! Then I will be set to go!!!! Yipeee!!! Please let it all work out! We would get to stay in her new home near the beach! Shopping and whatever else she has in store for us! I haven't really spent time with her since she left for the Army. So that will be a pleasure!

I am feeling a little lonely in the house, just a little and just tonight really. I enjoy the solitude but not for very long! I kinda wish I had a roommate sometimes just to have someone around, but I've never done that. I think it may be kinda weird. And I may still consider it. Who knows. Enough for now. I don't like feeling weird like this, I feel something is wrong, but when I really think about it, there really isn't anything wrong. Weird, I know. Anyway, Sex and the City is about to start so, adios!!!!

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Busy Weekend

I have had some good times this weekend. I went Salsa dancing Friday night, well, Salsa learning actually! The ladies I was with taught me basics and then some one asked me to dance, and that was the entire rest of the evening. The same stuff that happened to me in Chicago happened to me again Friday night. This one guy danced with me all night - no one else was asking though, and then at the end of the night he was thinking I was his woman. We had just met that night too. So, when it happened again, I felt I was better prepared to handle it this time. This guy was a little more well-behaved than the last one, although pretty drunk. So he said whatever he felt, but kept his hands to himself. And, since I was driving, I couldn't drink and he didn't like that either. So he did keep asking me if I needed a drink. But I was good. I know me and my abilities very well as far as drinking goes! I never really was a drinker and so it takes only a single drink to cause me to be afraid to drive and if I am afraid, it ain't gonna happen! So I thank God for that knowledge and ability to know my limits in that area. I still had a good time though. I did dance all night and that's what I wanted.

Saturday was the Ethnic Festival here in KC and my family and I always go. We are even on the commercial that ran this year and last year for it. We were just enjoying the Fest last year and got taped and so we got run on the news last year and in the commercial this year! Woo hoo! I am a celebrity! Ha ha! Anyway, my family and I started getting calls when they started running the ads this year. Funny! It was great! You can try foods from 45 different countries. I love trying new foods. I am a risk taker in that area! I will try almost anything! I had a ball and was full trying so many different foods. Here is a link to an article in our paper about the fest:
One of the highlights was Saturday, when I was leaving the fest. My daughter and the grandbaby were walking ahead of me and I kept fanning the baby since he was fussy and very hot. I tripped and he laughed that adorable little baby giggle! Of course, I needed to hear more of it so I started jumping around causing him to giggle all the way to the car! That was my wonderful moment of the day! Man, I sound like such a grandma!!! I can hardly wait for the next one to arrive!

Well, no Reggaefest for me this Sunday, it costed too much! so that was out! I have a friend whose band was there but I guess it will have to wait until next year when I can plan for that cost! Still hoping to go to Miami in November and another trip to Chicago next year!

Saturday I went back to the Ethnic Fest with my cousin and his wife. They had a great time, I was so glad they came, they hadn't been to one before. So we stayed until 10 and went to the Isle of Capri for some drinks and trivia. It was a pretty quiet evening. But I had a good time with them too! I just adore his wife and I love spending time with them. He is about to be sent to Iraq for 18 months with the National Guard! This is my favorite cousin we've always been very close, I hate to see him go. I can't imagine if my husband were to go overseas to fight for our freedoms! I can't imagine how that feels, just compared to what I feel about it. I do love her dearly. I will be checking on here and keeping in touch. We don't live very far apart so it will be easy to do so. He has 7 children, I can't imagine how they feel.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Fun Weekend Planned!

This weekend is going to be very busy. I am going to a Salsa club Friday night after my Al-Anon meeting and a few of the ladies will be going with me. I hope we like it. It is a new place and none of us has ever been there! Then there is the Ethnic Festival this weekend. You can try all kinds of different foods from many different countries there, we go every year! I love it, my whole family loves it! I like trying new foods. Then there is the Reggae Fest too, although, I haven't heard anything about it! Even if not! I will go back to the Ethnic Festival on Sunday! Yeah! I gotta call friends and family and make a big outing of it! More later!!!!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Please check out this link! It is a wonderful quote. I have to remember this and apply in my life.

And about our self worth and our careers:

And last but not least, something I keep getting reminded of many times over by those within the program...Because I am still working on not reacting!

Thanks to all three for sharing these principles, of which we may all need reminding every now and then!

Fear hits hard

Well, the issue I mentioned a few weeks ago reared its head again last week. Only this time it came at me in a fear that I haven't experienced before. I think I'd better start trying to deal with this for real. I know I said I was going to see a counselor or something, but I didn't pursue it any further. I figured oh well, I'll be okay. Not so, I had to keep giving that fear up to God over and over again. It was very hard to let go of and usually, fear doesn't stick with me or make me feel that badly. It affected me physically. I instantly got a headache, I got this knot in my stomach, and just felt extremely scared. I couldn't concentrate so I had to do something simple at work to keep working. It subsided after a while, maybe two or three hours later. I need to deal with what is bugging me mentally. It came again after a comment from a friend about my daughter. Nothing bad, suggestive or anything like that. Just a comment. That's it. Last time anger took over, this time it was some very strong fear that I felt. I wasn't in a dangerous situation, but that is how I felt, like I was in a seriously dangerous situation. I think it means I need to deal with this and deal with it soon. Before things get worse. A warning perhaps that I need to continue to deal with it, or rather, to start dealing with it in a real way. Not just thinking it will go away if I ignore it or just act as if things are okay. Acting as if is not working in this situation, I am only hiding my true feelings and not dealing with them. Great! Now I need to find the time to go see a counselor, what time? I guess I will have to look for the time or just make time for it.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

On the downside of the hill....I think

Finally back! I am finally seeing life get calm again. I guess giving me a rest up for the next episode! I've seen my children's lives calm down too. That I love. Yet and still, my youngest called me out on my own program! I obviously said way too much about her situation to her. She told me she thought they taught me not to be in her business or making so many comments that where hurtful about her life. I really had to think about it, I remember saying one thing to her about it but not all she said. I remember holding back because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I knew I didn't want to say what she claims I said! But no! She says I did say those things to her. I really can't recall so I just apologized to my child. She is 20 years old now. And this was last Sunday when we had this talk. My jaw probably hit the floor I was so surprised to hear what she said. Then she commenced to blame me for her life being the way it is. Now that I did not just let rest. I stood up for me and told her she was grown, she is making her own decisions now and cannot blame me for her life situations. I had no part in creating them. Needless to say that ended the conversation as far as blaming me. I shouldn't have been so far into it true, but I am not responsible for the state of her affairs.

A friend from work also called me on my program. I complained about work, and kept on, thinking I was justified in my feelings. I guess yes, in my feelings but not accepting that I can't do anything about what is happening and to make the best of what I have. Following the rules as nearly everyone else does(see! There I go again!) and doing what I am supposed to do. She quoted Step 1 on me and then pulled out scriptures on me to show me what God's word says about doing my job as if I am working for God Himself! Okay, that shut me up good! Can't I just get a good venting out just once!!!! That is all I wanted, was to vent and get it out! LOL!

I still need a car and now my A/C is out in my house and I have not the money to fix it. I have a single window unit to cool a room and fans. But nothing more. I've been spending the hot evenings over at my daughters new apartment. With the grand baby and my oldest practically lives there! So here we go again all hanging out together again. Good thing we can stand each other for so long. We love being together a lot. Then the phase comes where we just don't see each other for a while. I love it all! We spent time together yesterday with my sisters and my Dad for his birthday. Steaks are his thing so I bought KC Strips and we grilled them for him. He ate to his hearts content as we all did. And I learned how to grill KC Strips! I learned how to grill, period! That was fun too. I like learning new stuff.

God had lots of lessons for me this week. Lots. It seems that though I thought I wasn't hearing His voice, I was, and wasn't paying attention to it. I thought I knew better. Of course, when I think about it, I don't follow the direction of my earthly father either!!!!! I always wait until the very last second or too late to do as he has told me and then I need his help. And, I usually get fussed at for it - as I should! Well, I ran out of gas, locked myself and my father out of the house, missed meetings and church, jacked up my finances yet again, and wonder why I am stressed, have headaches, worry, and am boo hooing to God about it all...all the while wondering why I am going through so much crap! If I just listened, maybe I would go the right direction for once! I bet God is getting a little tired of me just aimlessly meandering about as if I know where I am going and what I am supposed to do! It seems quite a few called me on my program this past week and maybe there is a reason why. I need to check me and stay in my meetings, keep up my readings, my fourth step work, and take a look at me and ask God for more help. And when I get it....LISTEN to it! Then DO IT! LOL!

Lord, just help me please, I'm trying, but I need lots of help still! Thanks for the blessings I know you have in store for my future!

I did get a new camera phone! Yeah, and no, I didn't' have to pay for it! I've had an account so long with one company, that I get free phone offers all the time, maybe every couple of years or so. And the one thing I will not do, even though I love having the latest gadgets, phones, PC components or what have you, I will not pay for a new cell phone. They will have to give it to me or my phone must break before I will call for another and I always take the free phone, never anything I must buy! I think I have ten pics of the grand baby already, and I've only had the phone maybe 5 days. Only two of which I have spent with the baby! That's actually a lot less than my normal amount across two days! LOL I'd better get crackin' huh? hee hee!

Have a wonderful Sunday! I missed being here. And church was so excellent today! I did make it back. I had a nice evening Friday with a friend in the program. It was good talking to her one on one that evening.