Saturday, May 05, 2007

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!

Happy Cinco De Mayo!!!!

Now, today I had all kinds of plans, but earlier in the week, I agreed to watch the grand baby so my daughter could carry out hers. She doesn't do too much so I took the baby today. I was nickin' for a baby fix. I dreaded it cause I wanted to celebrate today, but for some reason wanted to see that baby worse than party! ~Or maybe that's just God putting me where I need to be, huh?~ Anyway, I was gonna clean up and straighten up and baby proof the house a bit so he could wander safely. Of course, that didn't happen. I did straighten up but I decided to run around with my man and a friend of his before I started.

That is where my man's friend decided he'd test me to see how Mexican I was. Being born here I am not your typical Mexican woman. I do not fit the mold. I am a career woman since I had to handle all the bills most of the time. I can't cook the way lots of Mexican women can cook. I'd like to, but I can't and I have never felt bad because of it. I had a man who didn't like authentic Mexican food. I was with him for 23 years and met him in high school. He did not like it when I tried to get more culturally in line with my own kind. And I let him direct my thinking in such a way that I just did what he wanted and let him talk me out of what I wanted to do or be. Except for my education, but he disliked even that about me. Even though he wanted me to be at home, barefoot and pregnant, I still got my education and had to support us most of the time. So I was not home a lot to do a lot of tending to my household. That is another full time job in itself. I do feel like I should be the way others say I should be.

But my heart now tells me I am as I should be. My program says I am exactly where God wants me to be at this point in my life. I do have lots to work on, but I do not need to fit into any one's mold. No one's idea of what I should do or not do and how they define "a good Mexican woman". Or even a good woman...

Earlier today I didn't let it bother me so much. I am happy with me as I am and my man says the same. He knows I can't cook well but he is happy for whatever I've fixed for him. I do not do it much but I do it when I can. If there is an opportunity, I usually take it. We don't live together, so I don't do it much anyway. I do cook for me. But I feel support from him and not shame. There is something funny though....as I write this it hurts me. I was steel earlier and now I am crying. I think I should be the way he said, but I am not. There was also no way I was going to show any weakness to this man who I felt was judging me. I also think my "man" should have stopped his "friend" from being like that to me. He did interrupt, but his "friend" kept on going. Later his friend said he was just teasing and didn't mean to be so hard on me. I told him I wasn't worried about what he thought of me. But other than the more rampant judgement of not being Mexican enough because I am not a fluent speaker of Spanish (although I do understand and speak a lot of the language), my experience of taking care of home has been quite limited. I know I am lacking, but I also know I am working on me no matter what others think. And I don't pretend to be more than I am. I wasn't faking like I know more than I do.

Then this friend admitted he couldn't speak Spanish. He can understand it but can't speak it! Can you believe that?! Mexican-Americans who are not fluent would understand that is a big thing, the same as he thinks I should be "a good Mexican woman" he doesn't even fit under the stereotypical "Real Mexican" as someone who is fluent in the Spanish language!!!!! And that was my way to start in on him. But because he is my man's friend, and I didn't want to be disrespectful, or continue a stupid arguement, even though we had just met and he didn't hold back, I didn't say anything but gave him a look and didn't say a thing. But maybe a "Really?" comment. That made it so much easier to let go of what he said to me. And the fact that, for him to even talk to me in such a way, some woman had to have hurt him quite a bit. Maybe she was a "good Mexican woman?"

I was already told a while back that he was still hurting over his woman leaving him and that was mostly all he talked about. And its been years. I forgot how many. But I do think I need to talk with my "man" about his allowing that. I know I should defend myself, but I don't have good comebacks at all when it comes to arguing. And I don't think I should have to against his friends. It seemed he tried but I just feel he didn't try hard enough. I guess that is why I am hurt. Justified or unjustified, I still hurt. The combination of those two things just has gotten to me and it is coming out now. But I am content with who I am and I am working this program to love me and fix me. And that is still happening. But this bugs me - tonight.

So today I am grateful for being "ME"! And having a Loving, caring God who loves me as I am. And Who does for me what I can't do for myself!

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