Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Strong feelings today

I attended a Memorial Service today for a friends mom. I did get a bit worked up while I was there. When they were describing her. It made me miss my mom. It made me wonder what I'd like said about me. Got me thinking about my life. I am very happy with it. Most of it anyway. I wish I'd handle my finances better, well, I am but it will take me a while to progress to where I wished I was. I am always so slow to make the moves I know I need to make. I keep praying for me to get better at that. But I am still not moving. Its like I am afraid of something happening. Or maybe that I may make the wrong move. It is almost like I am still with the addict who is now out of my life! Still it was good to see a couple of friends and some Al-Anon folks!

I also couldn't get in touch with my bf tonite. I've had him around a lot lately and I felt bad that I couldn't help him with his situations. I couldn't get in touch with him today and I instantly thought something was wrong. I think I'm so weird with these suddenly so strong but wrong feelings. I thought he was mad at me since he wasn't returning my calls or texts. It came on me so strongly that it was over between us and I felt it was because I refused to help him with his needing a ride to work. He goes in very early and I don't. And the couple of times I've taken him in early, I've hurt so bad all day at work, that I really can't do my job well. It is very noticeable and taxing on me. So I said no. And based on his reaction, I think it was very unexpected. But he agreed. Then when I couldn't get ahold of him, my mind started to going and kept on going. I hate that! I think too that my daughter being here last night kept me company. I love it when they come visit, but then I feel needy when no one is here. I can even have plans and when I get like this, things go so crazy for me in the emotional department!!! I get weepy and lonely-acting. I can't stand it but it happens and I always end up over-reacting to nothing! Tonight it was nothing once again. At least I think it was nothing.

Well. I could still be thinking about Mama too...I get pretty weepy when I've stirred up thoughts of her. And the Memorial service today did that.

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