Thursday, July 13, 2006

A nite out and ex issues

I have just been exhausted this past few days. My intention was to blog on Sunday but that didn't happen. I do miss it. I had some journaling to do though. And recuperating from a Saturday night out. I did a late night thing again and had a little more than my limit in alcohol and it seems like it has taken me a while to get my head together again. At least no hangovers or headaches. But I sure needed, and still do, tons of rest that seems to be eluding me!

Anyway, my ex and I have really slowed down our conversations and done so as a mutual agreement. If you recall, I was all hot and bothered a while back and my conversations with my ex, although they were mostly concerning recovery issues, really needed to end. I felt tempted but not due to his girlfriend(who isn't around), but knew he was and I think I really enjoyed toying with him even though I knew it was wrong. I really did it for selfish reasons, totally selfish reasons which made me feel very empowered but I know it is still wrong - or maybe manipulation? Wow! That just hit me as I was writing this. I think we both saw the direction we were headed and he kept pushing but was very sorry later. He felt extremely guilty and then started to blame me for it! And this was face to face. Anyway, the distance has cooled our jets! I hope we both stay this way. I have ceased to ask for his help and hope I can find someone else to do those things I've always entrusted to him. Maintenance on my car, house, yard, etc. He should not be my absolutely last resort! We are better friends now than when we were together but it has to stay at very little contact for a while. This actually feels very freeing! Its a new way of handling us. We do look at each other very differently than before.

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