Well, I'm back! Thanks for the notes from you all to say "Hi! what's up?" I appreciate it! I had no idea I hadn't blogged in so long. I met a new guy and I think we've been on the phone nightly since I handed over my number. That's been a few weeks now. Things have been crazy at work too, I think worse, but I also think I am making it harder on me by thinking about it so much while I am at work, and that does make me crazy at times. I don't think they want me there anymore and they seem to be very picky about everything I do. But my job is getting done and done very well, so that is confusing to me! Why when I do so well, are they starting to nag me on everything? I have to be perfect it seems now. True, I was not the ideal employee even up to a few months ago. I have been sick more often this year than in the past TEN! But that amounts to 8 days! Too much for the company. But I am still doing what I am supposed to do and doing it way better than before!
Anyway, I think they want me gone for whatever reason. I have accepted that too. Hell, I've been wanting out anyway! I don't see much in the way of opportunity there for me at all. And no respect for my position either. Normally, they would have a lot of turnover in this position. Until a CodA took the job!!! LOL! So I need to step up my searching and move on. I didn't get the last one I was sure I was going to get. But it didn't feel like it anyway. All went well, but just didn't feel comfortable or like a good fit. I pray I find something I like doing and pays me well. This one does neither! That's my New Year's Wish, or should I say goal.
Now the new guy... He's very laid back, not a dancer(hmmm, I don't' know about this part!), doesn't really do much(not that it is a bad thing), and loves to go to the movies! He is on a budget, and made that known immediately, he has an eleven year old daughter. I thought that was funny about the budget! But hey, so am I, so am I! He's very nice to me, doesn't even hint (so far) at anything out of line or off limits, unless I started it! And now that I think about it, I did! I opened a door I didn't mean to yet, but he hasn't kept it open. I think he is actually a bit shy, and I am not. I kinda like that, its not been like that with others except the other guy who kept wanting to see me! Then he kinda came out of that shell and asked for stuff I had no intention of beginning to give! So that fizzled out after the NO. This guy seems pretty direct even though he is shy! Well, this one feels very different. I hope he is. I hope I handle him well. I don't think that sounded right! LOL! Anyway, I have a feeling I will be learning a lot in this next relationship. Well, dating relationship. I am not sure I am ready for a boyfriend yet. But this one is a nice start! Maybe I can catch up reading tonight!
Today I am grateful for my program:
I was in a very different place at this time last year. Acceptance is wonderful...
My new friends in the program are great! We share such common bonds and I miss you guys when I do not hear from you or see you. I do check in to read though!
I miss my friends I haven't seen or heard from a while, hope you are having a good Christmas season!
Today I am thankful for my recovery!
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Monday, December 04, 2006
Pondering Acceptance
I was just thinking about how far I've come from last year at the time of my break-up. I have quite a ways to go yet, and I am only at the beginning but, I've come a long way in a short time. I was considering the fact that with all that has happened, I am still greatful and still enjoying the journey my life is now taking.
Just last night, I attended a concert of a family member here in town. My ex was there and his girlfriend. In the previous month before the concert, he would call me and if we talked about the upcoming concert, he reminded me that his girlfriend would be attending and we could not talk to each other in her presence. His exact words were, "Act as if you do not know me". Excuse me? I took it to mean don't speak. He even told this to the kids - our kids! Of course, they did not like it at all, what, now he can't talk to his own children? Ridiculous! Anyway, he didn't get that direct until the day before the concert. So up until then I thought he was joking. Anyway, Sunday morning he calls and asks me my opinion concerning his request of us. So I told him I thought it was ridiculous. Well, a Hello is okay, but nothing more. Still ridiculous. I am always civil with her and never show her any attitude - I accept her purpose in my life and in his actually. I know I am where I should be and he is too. So being face to face with her is no longer hard for me. If it gets a little physical between them I still have trouble, but I don't tend to chat long enough for that to happen around me. And she does try to show her territory - but she doesn't know that she really doesn't need to. But that's her insecurity - and his I guess. He's told me I did not show enough jealously over him.
Anyway, I was more nervous than previous times running into them. I had a pimple! It is the chocolate season! And my body (face!) doesn't handle it well if I over indulge - and I did over the Thanksgiving weekend and it still is healing now! I wasn't dressed as nicely as they were, and before they showed up I didn't care! I was sitting with his family and they love and adore the girls and I to no end! They came in late, sat away from everyone, and not once did she seem happy. But I didn't see that, I saw how she was dressed. Dressed up and me in tennis shoes, a nice sweater, but in tennis shoes and a break out still healing on my face! All outside stuff. All vanity. The whole time, the girls and I, along with his family, were laughing, talking, yelling at the stage, cracking jokes on each other and discussing business at times, and just having a good time. A smile on my face all evening. It was odd and I hoped we wouldn't come face to face, but we did. Hellos were exchanged and he did talk with the girls. She was silent and actually so was I, just waiting for them to finish. It was odd. But at that time I could really see her face and how seemingly uncomfortable or unhappy she was. Meanwhile, his family is coming up to me and the girls, greeting us, hugging us, kissing us, talking with us, all kinds of affection and recognition being shown to us. Normal stuff. That is when I finally stopped tripping off how I looked which was not bad, just casual. He even seemed uncomfortable. I actually felt sad for her.
I was comfortable. It just fell off me instantly. I have accepted our situations, I am happy with just me and my girls, mostly happy with the me I've discovered. And, did I mention I was happy? No, all is not well in my life. I have found that I caused a lot of my own problems - imagine that! But I am still happy and grateful for my current position. And I think it shows!
Earlier at church on Sunday, I was attending the last session of a class I love. The book we went through talks about dealing with offenses and how God wants us to deal with them. Kind of "turning the other cheek" mentality. And it isn't as I may make it sound. Not letting people run over you, but learning to let things go we can't control (sound familiar?). It was an excellent book. Not taking things personally. Living in truth and speaking the truth in love when needed. It has taught me to deal more effectively with offenses against me and while going through it, I was tested on the matter a few times! With increasing intensity from test to test. Not easy and not always handling things well or correctly. But with baby steps or leaps and bounds, I did get through with a lot of hard work. I feel like I work at applying the program and this book just spoke on the very specific area of offenses. It was a great help. It took acceptance to a very specific area of my life and one which many of us tend to just give up on when it comes to dealing with others. We get offended and start to write them off as purposefully trying to hurt us. And most times it has nothing to do with us at all!
It's not about you, its about me. And I am not God.
Today, I am as happy as I allow myself to be!
Just last night, I attended a concert of a family member here in town. My ex was there and his girlfriend. In the previous month before the concert, he would call me and if we talked about the upcoming concert, he reminded me that his girlfriend would be attending and we could not talk to each other in her presence. His exact words were, "Act as if you do not know me". Excuse me? I took it to mean don't speak. He even told this to the kids - our kids! Of course, they did not like it at all, what, now he can't talk to his own children? Ridiculous! Anyway, he didn't get that direct until the day before the concert. So up until then I thought he was joking. Anyway, Sunday morning he calls and asks me my opinion concerning his request of us. So I told him I thought it was ridiculous. Well, a Hello is okay, but nothing more. Still ridiculous. I am always civil with her and never show her any attitude - I accept her purpose in my life and in his actually. I know I am where I should be and he is too. So being face to face with her is no longer hard for me. If it gets a little physical between them I still have trouble, but I don't tend to chat long enough for that to happen around me. And she does try to show her territory - but she doesn't know that she really doesn't need to. But that's her insecurity - and his I guess. He's told me I did not show enough jealously over him.
Anyway, I was more nervous than previous times running into them. I had a pimple! It is the chocolate season! And my body (face!) doesn't handle it well if I over indulge - and I did over the Thanksgiving weekend and it still is healing now! I wasn't dressed as nicely as they were, and before they showed up I didn't care! I was sitting with his family and they love and adore the girls and I to no end! They came in late, sat away from everyone, and not once did she seem happy. But I didn't see that, I saw how she was dressed. Dressed up and me in tennis shoes, a nice sweater, but in tennis shoes and a break out still healing on my face! All outside stuff. All vanity. The whole time, the girls and I, along with his family, were laughing, talking, yelling at the stage, cracking jokes on each other and discussing business at times, and just having a good time. A smile on my face all evening. It was odd and I hoped we wouldn't come face to face, but we did. Hellos were exchanged and he did talk with the girls. She was silent and actually so was I, just waiting for them to finish. It was odd. But at that time I could really see her face and how seemingly uncomfortable or unhappy she was. Meanwhile, his family is coming up to me and the girls, greeting us, hugging us, kissing us, talking with us, all kinds of affection and recognition being shown to us. Normal stuff. That is when I finally stopped tripping off how I looked which was not bad, just casual. He even seemed uncomfortable. I actually felt sad for her.
I was comfortable. It just fell off me instantly. I have accepted our situations, I am happy with just me and my girls, mostly happy with the me I've discovered. And, did I mention I was happy? No, all is not well in my life. I have found that I caused a lot of my own problems - imagine that! But I am still happy and grateful for my current position. And I think it shows!
Earlier at church on Sunday, I was attending the last session of a class I love. The book we went through talks about dealing with offenses and how God wants us to deal with them. Kind of "turning the other cheek" mentality. And it isn't as I may make it sound. Not letting people run over you, but learning to let things go we can't control (sound familiar?). It was an excellent book. Not taking things personally. Living in truth and speaking the truth in love when needed. It has taught me to deal more effectively with offenses against me and while going through it, I was tested on the matter a few times! With increasing intensity from test to test. Not easy and not always handling things well or correctly. But with baby steps or leaps and bounds, I did get through with a lot of hard work. I feel like I work at applying the program and this book just spoke on the very specific area of offenses. It was a great help. It took acceptance to a very specific area of my life and one which many of us tend to just give up on when it comes to dealing with others. We get offended and start to write them off as purposefully trying to hurt us. And most times it has nothing to do with us at all!
It's not about you, its about me. And I am not God.
Today, I am as happy as I allow myself to be!
Friday, December 01, 2006
Sick Daze
Sick again! I got the sickness that is being passed around the family finally. I think the alcohol I had the day before Thanksgiving is what kept it away for a while. Then I saw the G-baby Tuesday and was sick the next day. He was still sick and I didn't know it. Of course I was all over him! I can't stand being sick but I like the fact that I got to stay home a couple days. But it was so uncomfortable and boring. I discovered some things about me in the process.
I still, even though I was sick, tried to figure out a way, for my daughter with grandbaby, to get him to his doctor's appointment today!!! Me sick, barely able to make it to the bathroom without stumbling, was still worried about her getting what she needed done! My two girls really don't communicate very well sometimes and I see that in myself and my family members. I finally realized what I was doing and stopped myself! Of course their father for some reason just cannot help them recently. I just don't get that. Here in the Midwest, we've been iced over and then snowed on a little bit. Our area didn't get hit too hard but we did get both still. My oldest daughter's car was not buried but it did get frozen shut. And me being sick, (not that if I was well would I have prepared for it any sooner) did not get any ice melt so our driveway was, and still is, a sheet of ice. Then snow covered that. Wednesday we got the ice, Thursday we got snow. So she was stuck and was supposed to take my youngest to the doctor appointment on today. So for whatever reason, he would not come dig her out - I chose not to argue, he has his reasons I suppose. And my oldest doesn't really act on her own half the time. So my youngest still didn't have a ride as far as it seemed.
I left it alone finally, but not until I suggested how to find herself a ride. Of course, the word spread that I was not going to give her a ride or let them use my car (which is horrible in the snow-rear wheel drive) and I was really sick, I couldn't do anything. So my ex calls, wants to know what the deal is and then I just explain. M is stuck in the driveway, I can't help, she needs help or the other needs a ride. So then he offered the youngest a ride. Do you know how relieved I was? I think you may! LOL! Still trying to work stuff out for others but sick as I don't know what! Achy all over and stomach cramping and all that going on.
I also took a personality test, it actually described me almost to the tee! Except that I am in recovery now, so some of those traits are actually already changed or changing! But mainly still described me as a Giver. So funny, I never really believed those things like that. I did take a step to meeting someone new today. I invited a new male aquaintence (who may be interested in dating me) and his daughter to the annual Christmas play at my church. He accepted with out hesitation. I don't know why I am nervous about it. I guess that is my norm. But it should be a nice evening.
Today I am thankful for:
Two days off even though they were miserable.
The rest I caught up on or needed.
My program.
Friends in the program I have been bugging due to me being bored. And they just take it.
Or they bear it! LOL
An outlet like this to rant on! To get it all out! Phew!
I still, even though I was sick, tried to figure out a way, for my daughter with grandbaby, to get him to his doctor's appointment today!!! Me sick, barely able to make it to the bathroom without stumbling, was still worried about her getting what she needed done! My two girls really don't communicate very well sometimes and I see that in myself and my family members. I finally realized what I was doing and stopped myself! Of course their father for some reason just cannot help them recently. I just don't get that. Here in the Midwest, we've been iced over and then snowed on a little bit. Our area didn't get hit too hard but we did get both still. My oldest daughter's car was not buried but it did get frozen shut. And me being sick, (not that if I was well would I have prepared for it any sooner) did not get any ice melt so our driveway was, and still is, a sheet of ice. Then snow covered that. Wednesday we got the ice, Thursday we got snow. So she was stuck and was supposed to take my youngest to the doctor appointment on today. So for whatever reason, he would not come dig her out - I chose not to argue, he has his reasons I suppose. And my oldest doesn't really act on her own half the time. So my youngest still didn't have a ride as far as it seemed.
I left it alone finally, but not until I suggested how to find herself a ride. Of course, the word spread that I was not going to give her a ride or let them use my car (which is horrible in the snow-rear wheel drive) and I was really sick, I couldn't do anything. So my ex calls, wants to know what the deal is and then I just explain. M is stuck in the driveway, I can't help, she needs help or the other needs a ride. So then he offered the youngest a ride. Do you know how relieved I was? I think you may! LOL! Still trying to work stuff out for others but sick as I don't know what! Achy all over and stomach cramping and all that going on.
I also took a personality test, it actually described me almost to the tee! Except that I am in recovery now, so some of those traits are actually already changed or changing! But mainly still described me as a Giver. So funny, I never really believed those things like that. I did take a step to meeting someone new today. I invited a new male aquaintence (who may be interested in dating me) and his daughter to the annual Christmas play at my church. He accepted with out hesitation. I don't know why I am nervous about it. I guess that is my norm. But it should be a nice evening.
Today I am thankful for:
Two days off even though they were miserable.
The rest I caught up on or needed.
My program.
Friends in the program I have been bugging due to me being bored. And they just take it.
Or they bear it! LOL
An outlet like this to rant on! To get it all out! Phew!
Sick again! I got the sickness that is being passed around the family finally. I think the alcohol I had the day before Thanksgiving is what kept it away for a while. Then I saw the G-baby Tuesday and was sick the next day. He was still sick and I didn't know it. Of course I was all over him! I can't stand being sick but I like the fact that I got to stay home a couple days. But it was so uncomfortable and boring. I discovered some things about me in the process.
I still, even though I was sick, tried to figure out a way, for my daughter with grandbaby, to get him to his doctor's appointment today!!! Me sick, barely able to make it to the bathroom without stumbling, was still worried about her getting what she needed done! My two girls really don't communicate very well sometimes and I see that in myself and my family members. I finally realized what I was doing and stopped myself! Of course their father for some reason just cannot help them recently. I just don't get that. Here in the Midwest, we've been iced over and then snowed on a little bit. Our area didn't get hit too hard but we did get both still. My oldest daughter's car was not buried but it did get frozen shut. And me being sick, (not that if I was well would I have prepared for it any sooner) did not get any ice melt so our driveway was, and still is, a sheet of ice. Then snow covered that. Wednesday we got the ice, Thursday we got snow. So she was stuck and was supposed to take my youngest to the doctor appointment on today. So for whatever reason, he would not come dig her out - I chose not to argue, he has his reasons I suppose. And my oldest doesn't really act on her own half the time. So my youngest still didn't have a ride as far as it seemed.
I left it alone finally, but not until I suggested how to find herself a ride. Of course, the word spread that I was not going to give her a ride or let them use my car (which is horrible in the snow-rear wheel drive) and I was really sick, I couldn't do anything. So my ex calls, wants to know what the deal is and then I just explain. M is stuck in the driveway, I can't help, she needs help or the other needs a ride. So then he offered the youngest a ride. Do you know how relieved I was? I think you may! LOL! Still trying to work stuff out for others but sick as I don't know what! Achy all over and stomach cramping and all that going on.
I also took a personality test, it actually described me almost to the tee! Except that I am in recovery now, so some of those traits are actually already changed or changing! But mainly still described me as a Giver. So funny, I never really believed those things like that. I did take a step to meeting someone new today. I invited a new male aquaintence (who may be interested in dating me) and his daughter to the annual Christmas play at my church. He accepted with out hesitation. I don't know why I am nervous about it. I guess that is my norm. But it should be a nice evening.
Today I am thankful for:
Two days off even though they were miserable.
The rest I caught up on or needed.
My program.
Friends in the program I have been bugging due to me being bored. And they just take it.
Or they bear it! LOL
An outlet like this to rant on! To get it all out! Phew!
I still, even though I was sick, tried to figure out a way, for my daughter with grandbaby, to get him to his doctor's appointment today!!! Me sick, barely able to make it to the bathroom without stumbling, was still worried about her getting what she needed done! My two girls really don't communicate very well sometimes and I see that in myself and my family members. I finally realized what I was doing and stopped myself! Of course their father for some reason just cannot help them recently. I just don't get that. Here in the Midwest, we've been iced over and then snowed on a little bit. Our area didn't get hit too hard but we did get both still. My oldest daughter's car was not buried but it did get frozen shut. And me being sick, (not that if I was well would I have prepared for it any sooner) did not get any ice melt so our driveway was, and still is, a sheet of ice. Then snow covered that. Wednesday we got the ice, Thursday we got snow. So she was stuck and was supposed to take my youngest to the doctor appointment on today. So for whatever reason, he would not come dig her out - I chose not to argue, he has his reasons I suppose. And my oldest doesn't really act on her own half the time. So my youngest still didn't have a ride as far as it seemed.
I left it alone finally, but not until I suggested how to find herself a ride. Of course, the word spread that I was not going to give her a ride or let them use my car (which is horrible in the snow-rear wheel drive) and I was really sick, I couldn't do anything. So my ex calls, wants to know what the deal is and then I just explain. M is stuck in the driveway, I can't help, she needs help or the other needs a ride. So then he offered the youngest a ride. Do you know how relieved I was? I think you may! LOL! Still trying to work stuff out for others but sick as I don't know what! Achy all over and stomach cramping and all that going on.
I also took a personality test, it actually described me almost to the tee! Except that I am in recovery now, so some of those traits are actually already changed or changing! But mainly still described me as a Giver. So funny, I never really believed those things like that. I did take a step to meeting someone new today. I invited a new male aquaintence (who may be interested in dating me) and his daughter to the annual Christmas play at my church. He accepted with out hesitation. I don't know why I am nervous about it. I guess that is my norm. But it should be a nice evening.
Today I am thankful for:
Two days off even though they were miserable.
The rest I caught up on or needed.
My program.
Friends in the program I have been bugging due to me being bored. And they just take it.
Or they bear it! LOL
An outlet like this to rant on! To get it all out! Phew!
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