Monday, March 26, 2007

My New Life is so good!

Life is good. I love where I am at today in my new life in recovery. I have new friends who understand me and my craziness, listen to me, but still tell me what needs to be said. And I can accept it and see my part in it. Where I may be wrong and right. Usually where I was wrong! LOL! I love to be still learning and learning to be in a normal relationship. I know not completely normal, but very different than what I was used to. It shows sometimes too that I am not accustomed to being treated the way SS treats me. He sees it, but I don't know if he realizes it. But he is surprised at times by how I think. It hasn't happened lately enough for him to see, but its there. Anyway, life is good. I am having a good time. Things aren't perfect, but they never are. And I am happy.

I saw the baby tonight, he is just wandering all over the place now. He will be one year old soon. He's such a cutie pie. A gorgeous boy! He's talking baby gibberish too. Lots of it. Life is good.

I mentioned some of my pretty recent past with SS tonight and he was surprised I think. Somehow we got on the subject of my kids and their boyfriends. I told him of a couple of run-ins I've had with them. One where I actually popped one in the mouth and busted his lip. He immediately said, "you could have gone to jail". And, if any woman hit him, they will go to jail. Well! I understand, really. But I was still surprised. I never thought this way when I got hit. Nor did I think that I had that option when I or my girls got into trouble. I thought I was gonna take up for them. Period. No cops. I can handle it. I'll finish it really... It kinda caught me off guard a bit. But that was an option I never realized was even available. That is so strange how I was thinking back then.

Thank God for my program. The more I live and interact with all these new people in my life, those in the program and outside of the program but who do not have similar problems, the more I learn how to live. Hearing it around the tables and living my life in recovery. I am so loving it but so surprised at times by what I am learning. And I guess reflecting on my life in the past. I feel sad that I did the things I did. But I am so happy and grateful that nothing worse happened to me or my girls. I am thankful things smoothed out and I can learn instead of just react to those around me. Not near as much fear is involved anymore. For that I am grateful.

I am so glad to have all these new people in my life. Good or bad. They all teach me something. Today I am so glad to be able to learn from all my experiences and not feel like a victim of my circumstances anymore! God is so good!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Good Friday night/Home Makeover In KC!

I had an okay week. Mostly just work and running around at night! Just busy, not being bad or anything! Friday comes and I go to a sparsely attended Al-Anon. We discussed the Third step, Acceptance and Surrender. It was a good meeting as always! It even went over about twenty minutes! Not normal for us! Then, I was leaving and a friend of my ex mentioned to me, "What goes around comes around - You know what I mean, don't cha?" I told her I thought so. She commenced to tell me about my ex and his woman who is also a recovering addict. She's doing to him what he'd always done to me but it is a bit more extreme. He's getting back the same treatment. Anyway, I knew of all she mentioned since he called me to tell me all the dirt anyway as soon as it happened. I had to step away from the conversation after thinking, I don't really want the worst for him. I am not like that. Wishing badly on him, even if many women think he deserves it. Or I should hate. But I can't. I've never been that way, probably never will be and now that I am in Al-Anon? That's not what they teach nor what I have learned in the program. And its just not my God's way!

So, I had to direct the conversation in a different direction. It did change. She mentioned how she always prays for me to have some one who treats me well. Someone who would be good to me. And right now, that is what I have. His maturity level alone is so much more on my same level. He's confident enough not to be jealous. He's so different. He's a good guy. My ex is a really good guy too, but very self-centered and will use people very easily. Especially those closest to him. But he's working on it. He really is - to a point. But I guess I did detach because I knew it wasn't good to gossip about him either. It was all true and this is God's will for the both of us, but no need to keep re-living it. And God (my HP) has truely blessed me to meet men who do not have those types of problems (not problem-free in any way! but!) and I won't have a problem trusting them in the same room with my purse or car keys!

God has been so good to me. I complain here and there, but He's been better to me than I ever would be. Pruning me and that stinks sometimes, and sometimes not. Proving He will care for me and I still have a hard time believing He will. I still hesitate when He says "Do this". And quite hard headed in a few other areas. He keeps showing me what to do and I still hesitate! What a mess! But, I am working on it! Sometimes its a struggle, well, most times recently. But due to my hard-headedness! He is still good as usual!

Didn't go to the St. Patty's Day parade, too cold. It turned out not to be so bad. Interesting note!!! Kansas City is featured again on the TV show Extreme Home Makeover! Keith Green construction is doing the home. The Jacobo family in North KC is getting a new home with nine bedrooms tomorrow!!! They had 900 sq feet to live in and will have 5000 sq feet!!! I wanna go see, I may try to go. It sounds like fun. Being in the crowd may be fun. I'll definately write if I do!

I watched an HBO special on "Addictions" Thursday night. I thought it was pretty interesting. It was very much on the scientific side of addictions and treating it as a disease. Very interesting if you like documentaries! I love them! It is a 9 week series. Myself and a couple of friends are getting together to watch it. There was very little mention of the 12 step programs. That was sad to not have that along with the drugs they kept talking about. But it is just the first episode! Looking forward to the rest of them!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Lonely weekend

My weekend went pretty okay. Saturday didn't turn out like I had wished but, it came out okay. I did have some weird moments again...

Saturday I was going back and forth with inviting friends over to have Margaritas. I had missed one's birthday and that is what she wanted to do. I love Margaritas myself. So OK, let's do it! So I finally picked up a bit around here...I can't believe I am taking so long to take care of things around here! That's what I noticed first. And, I am not a very willing host. One lady I knew how she is when she drinks, she's a hoot! She falls asleep! I can handle that. But the other I don't know. Anyway, they say they are coming and so I wait. I bought all the stuff, and waited. Told the new guy I was getting together with the girls tonight and wouldn't be by this evening. And I waited. And waited. I really had debated a lot in my mind as to whether or not to do this at all! It is also the first time I've had any company since the break up. Maybe longer! Its been almost two years since the break up. So this really was a big step for me. I invited SS (the new guy) over too along with his friend. They were supposed to be coming anyway to look at my drain in the basement - clogged!!

Okay, so nobody shows, nobody. Nobody calls, nothing. I called SS and his friend forgot. So there goes that. The friends never call. I didn't call either. I wasn't feeling good with a cough anyway, and I was getting tired. So I didn't make a big deal out of it.

In the past I would have been calling to the point that they may not even continue answering and then started a pity party! Today it was no big deal. I finally got some things done and I have Marg fixin's when I want them. It will sit there too. I always let alcohol just sit there since I don't drink much at all. Maybe God is using these incidents to prune me. As my sister says. That was a Joyce Meyer thing. That is probably why things are constantly happening.

I did feel the pangs of loneliness which I don't understand. It was only one night. I am fine all week and if I am alone on the weekend suddenly I feel lonely. But I am quick to find something to busy my time with. And so I've felt it but I can make it. Its fine. Maybe I am still adjusting to my empty nest. If I hadn't mentioned, my oldest moved out in early January and even though it seems she doesn't care for it much, she is still there. I hate the neighborhood. It is a pretty bad area. I pray for her protection all the time. I'm glad Saturday is over.

Sunday, SS invited me to his sister's for dinner. I went excited to meet some of his family. I felt very extremely shy. I was really not me. Very quiet. I had a good time. But his sister did get a chance to chat with me for a few minutes. She had no idea who I was. I was a little surprised by the fact that he hadn't told anyone about me yet. But I am pretty new to this dating thing, and he did mention he didn't like to make the first move in a relationship. But we've already been intimate and I just assumed he'd at least mentioned me. So I felt a little weird, I was vague with my answers about us and just left it at that. We haven't had any discussion on what we are exactly, I guess its time to find out. That has made me nervous. And I don't know why. Maybe I fear rejection? But I honestly don't think that will happen. So who knows? The next relationship jitters??? LOL! Maybe so....I'm not sure how to proceed except to just ask.

But I had a good time at his sister's place, I felt very welcomed, and went home with a plate of food! Always good!

Church was just for me today. And a few others. The message was not to isolate, because then you are accountable to no one. And you do whatever and your thinking can be your greatest enemy. Pastor was talking about Stinkin' Thinkin' being bad for us. Saying something negative to yourself over and over causes you to believe it and not live up to what God intended for you. And believing in God and acting on that belief are two very different things. I love my church! It is really starting to feel different. Like more open, less condemning and I don't have to be perfect to fit in. I felt like that before.

One of the guys there had asked me to go to lunch after church a few weeks ago. I refused due to $$ and he said he'd cover it. Well, he changed his mind I guess and then just dodged me. Instead of telling me it was more than he'd expected. It didn't upset me, I just assumed that is what was going on and let it go. It had surprised me that he'd even offered and I asked if he was sure. That was a few weeks ago. He saw me today and we just said our "Hello" as normal. I was leaving and he stopped me. He told me it was too expensive for him and that's what had happened. And then he mentioned that I knew his name and always used it when I saw him. He apologized for not remembering mine and then we chatted a little about how long we have attended the same church. Over 10 years for both of us! He is pretty unforgettable, a little off it seems and sometimes pretty hard hearted or condemning to some of his lady friends. From how he describes his interactions with them. Those of us in the church can be a bit self-righteous to others at times, if not always. And I used to be the same with my ex. I'm so glad that has changed.

Anyway, he seemed to really want to talk to me and I just kept taking care of my business, but you know, I felt uncomfortable. Like, since I am seeing SS, that I shouldn't be even chatting with this guy. I felt like I was leading him on or something. There has never been anything romantic even slightly with my friend at church. It was the first time he'd invited me to lunch or even spoken to me other than in passing. But I felt wrong. So is this CodA behavior too? I guess I should do some reading on it. To help me understand. Okay, enough ranting for tonight.

I am very thankful for my weekend. It ain't perfect here, but I finally got something done! One major thing is done now! Next step!!!!

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

HP and my program, amazing

Nice, quiet, weekend. I love those kinda weekends. Didn't do too much and actually just lazied around all day Saturday. I got to see the grand baby Sunday. It was pretty quiet. A single weird incident on Sunday though. Saturday my ex got married to the girlfriend he left me for. And Sunday, he contacts me. Said he was wondering if I was okay and if I knew what he had done. I knew. I was truly fine. I was with the new guy when I was reminded of it, and so tired that once I got off the phone that morning, I passed out again and didn't think of it anymore until later in the day. My kids hadn't contacted me. I thought I was gonna do some baby sitting and didn't have to. Good thing, I was busy anyway! LOL

Last week a lady at work was so rude to me on the phone. NO big deal, I am a receptionist and I deal with that daily sometimes. I am always professional about it. She didn't hesitate to show her attitude towards me. It was very bad over the phone due to the fact that I would not identify myself and she was demanding information. When people come at me like that I am very professional with them but I do not give out any information. And that is for everyone, but once they tell me who they are I can decide to open up. But only once I know who they are and if I am allowed to give them the information they desire. So, me holding my ground upset her. She wasn't identifying herself. Finally she did. And I happily gave her the info and transferred her. She was a coworker calling from her cell so I had no idea who she was.

Later in the day, actually not too much later, she came at me in my face about it. She was still highly upset. And she started to tell every one how wrong I did her on the phone. She told the story wrong, so I corrected her. I did not explain why I had not told her who I was. Maybe I should have. She started trying to turn the story around to make it seem like I did her so wrong. All the ladies were gathered for a birthday celebration at this time. By the end of our words, she understood completely that I was not going to just let her tell her story or blame me for how she felt. I did nothing wrong and I didn't know who she was. I would have done the same to anyone else demanding information from me. I was still nice to her even after we had our words! Very nice. I am pretty darn good at letting things go - I always have been except with my ex!!!! And some family!!! LOL! She went back to her department and commenced to tell all of them what I had done to her yet again! So then they came to me!!! And it started all over again. While explaining to them what happened, I realized I gave them a more clear explanation of what went on and why I responded the way I did. I guess without the attitude being in my face, I was better able to express what happened and why. She ignored me the rest of the week. Until Friday. Then she spoke again, just to say good-bye. It was unexpected. Very unexpected since we don't work together we don't have much interaction. But it was good for me to see that she seemed not to hold a grudge. She is infamous for that. Its like her thing! And, every one was telling me how I was on her "shit list" now and it was always going to be bad between us. And I see her do it to others, she is like that.

The point to me was, I have a program, she was attacking me deliberately it seemed. I know she's not a happy person. I did choose to defend myself which, I normally would have just let her tell it and not said a thing. Nothing in my defense. I am glad I did it still very courteously, and it was done a few days later when she let it go too. It felt good to have said something. To have defended me and my actions. And the HP helped too! He did a much larger part. She seriously pissed me off and I feel my anger more so now than prior to Al-Anon and CodA. I am also not afraid to show others how I feel either. I feel more true to me than ever before in my life and I want to keep going forward with that! Thanks to my program! And to God for answering my prayers that morning. "Please Lord, let me just do this right, not evil, not hateful, just let me express what I feel constructively! And don't let me go off on her!"

Thanks, Lord! You are truly amazing!