Some things I just don't care/want to know

Last night was a night that just really did not go my way at all! I was planning to go to my Al Anon meeting as usual, then a friend and I started discussing what to do that night. We wanted to spend time together since we hadn't in a while, so we chose (or I thought we chose) to take a road trip! To Chicago! Once I started canceling my plans for the night, it suddenly changed. She had lots of important family stuff to do this weekend. So she really couldn't go. Then the plan was to see the new movie, The DaVinci Code, we didn't catch an early enough show and I forgot my daughter wanted to use the car to take the baby to his father's for the weekend. Movie plans were now shot! Okay, we'll just go to her place and soak in the hot tub and pool. Great! That was the plan. I got to her place finally about an hour before sundown and found out the pool had been drained and the hot tub as well. So now, no pool or hot tub either! I should have just gone to my meeting as previously planned. But No! I just kept ignoring the signs! Not usually me, well, okay maybe it is(yet another discovery)!

I was so looking forward to that soak in the hot tub due to my week!!! Movies and chatting all night was the agenda for Friday night. This is always interesting with my friend and especially so when her other friends are over too. It is always quite lively to hear their interactions. This too, is the only place outside my family, where I can spend time with other Mexicans/Mexican-Americans. Which sheds more light on my own culture for me, and these ladies(and a few men) are all older than me, so I learn a lot from them and their experiences.

After this entire week, which really started on Tuesday as far as issues for me to deal with and learn about myself, I was really ready to relax! I found out things about me that I really didn't care to know. Things I had said were not like me to do, I was doing! I did continue with my fourth step work on my inventory where I had left off. I still think I am coming out with more good than bad, which of course means (joking)I must be doing something wrong! I must be worse than this. And also makes me question, why do we in recovery feel this is such a hard step to take? I hear so much about how nobody wants to work on this step, yet, I think it really isn't so bad. But, I do have to think, I was never addicted to drugs or alcohol, just to the addict. So it is very different for me to do an inventory than them. I'm the other side of the story, so to speak.

Things I discovered:

Attitudes: I found that I feel I am above the rules or entitled to extra benefits at work. Because I do good work, my employers always like me and defend me, I get along with everyone, I do what is required and usually more (what a shocker!), I think I am entitled to come and go as I please and no one should say anything about it! LOL! Including being late, which started since I moved into my new cube. Not good. My boss knows because we can all see each other now. But she was not the one complaining. Actually, no one is but one person decided to get in my business and I got offended that she did. It really isn't any of her business, I do know what I am doing is wrong and it doesn't feel good. I actually want to change it, and I will. Note: But in the past, I did not care to change it. I did feel entitled. A church devotional I read that next day straightened me out. I was destroying my witness to others by being late, it mentioned a few other things that I do, or have done in the past. So I was checked on my coming and goings! I almost complained to my boss about some one saying something to me about it - and I actually am in the wrong! Notice I said, "I am"!

Worry: I heard about an incident with my daughter and her now ex-boyfriend and it messed with my head quite a bit. Each time I hear about anything with them, I do get worried. Yes, it is part of motherhood, but I carry it quite a ways further until I am obsessing about what is going to happen in the future, the near future and then I tend to start trying to figure out what I am going to do to prevent it from happening! And let me tell you this takes up lots of time as I play the plans over and over in my head! Not controlling my thoughts, not realizing that feelings aren't necessarily facts, not giving it to God and letting him handle it! When I couldn't sleep last night, I finally realized what I was doing and took it to God in prayer. Thankfully I can report that it has been placed in his hands and left there! I was feeling much better today due to this principle being applied! I am so glad to know how to do this now. It takes some work, but it can finally be done effectively, Praise God! Note: the meeting topic I missed Friday evening was Detachment!

Neither one of these discoveries was pleasant this week. But both of them happening has helped me understand me a little more and caused me to apply the principles learned in recovery. To get a better understanding of those principles and even more so, to gain more serenity in my life and in my mind. I saw the world so differently before, it is amazing how much change can happen in one year! It is almost exactly one year since I started Al-Anon and CodA! May 27th is my Al-Anon anniversary(or birthday?) and June 2nd is my CodA anniversary. One year people! I made a year! A hard one, but so fruitful in so many ways! I am truly blessed and happier today! And for that I am very grateful!