From Hectic to Calm

It's good to be back! I've just been so busy! Many things have happened. I did lose another family member, a cousin on my ex's side. She was very young, 23 or 24, and just had a baby. The baby was only two days old and my cousin passed away from an aneurysm (spelling?). She only had a younger brother and sister left, her mother passed away from terminal cancer two years ago this month, and her father had been shot when she was very young quite a few years ago. So there is very little left of their family. I hope my young cousins will be okay. I can't imagine it, I just can't! I will be going to the funeral in the morning.

More stuff with my youngest daughter, a little friction with my oldest, a little with my family, and a lotta stuff going on at my job that I can't stand much more of. And you know what? It makes me thankful for the program, that even though, I may not let things go immediately, I can still do it eventually. And sooner than I think if I do not give up and let my anger take over. I did kinda blow up at my oldest, but I do realize why. I just held it in for too long and the minute a situation presented itself, there I went. But I didn't feel bad afterwards, I felt good. I know she needed to hear some of it, not exactly the way I did it, but it still needed to be said.

But today I am still grateful. I am not perfect. I do not get it right most of the time, but I am still working and applying my program today. And I know it will take time for me to change all I need to change and I want to change. There was a time when I wouldn't change, accept that maybe I was wrong or not accepting the facts, and I wouldn't do what needed to be done. There is so much work to be done with me and this first year and a half is only the beginning. I am still pretty hard-headed at times or slow to change, but I want to make changes. I am taking my baby steps to get there. I am also very fearful, of what exactly, I don't yet understand. In time I will if I need to know I guess. It will be revealed.

Unfortunately, when I did blow up, my sister was there and she was not used to seeing this in me, I guess it freaked her out a little. I don't know what to think about that one. Anyway, all is well right now. Things seem to be trying to quiet down again. I went to my Friday meeting and it was a good one. So good to be back.