Stinkin' Thinkin'?

I made it through the annual review. My bosses ideas and new schedule have actually worked. Imagine that. I am actually improving! Another good thing. I did mention this to my friend at work who I am accused of spending too much time talking to on the computer. And this was one thing I knew could not be so in the review, because her and I have stopped talking as much as we used to. We kinda had a thing, a spat, a little bit ago, and I did actually stop sharing so much with her. It seemed like I shouldn't do it anymore. I don't know if I mentioned it on here or not. But she kinda threw it back at me and that was twice and I became a little more reserved about how much I share with her now. So I know it isn't slowing me down at work. My boss sees me using that program and thinks it is always her I am talking to and its really not! I do more communicating with all the branches now. Among others in the company and not for chit chat, its for work. As a matter of fact, I am keeping track of my communication with her myself just as a self-check now.

I feel good about me but tonight I saw my ex. He came by to say hello. Showing off a new outfit. I felt sad and I guess I showed it too. I didn't really know why until he left. I feel like my finances are so tight and I haven't tried to find another job to compensate or to just change jobs to make a difference. And here he comes talking about his new outfit. He just keeps getting new things and I feel like I'm struggling just to make ends meet. If I do spend frivolously, it will hurt me. My car is going downhill. That's another reason to change jobs. The bus doesn't go where I need to go for work. Not to my current job anyway. But my boss is willing to give me a ride if I need it. Amazing. Of course, he is not the owner of his own home, doesn't have utility bills to pay, he does keep a vehicle and it is costing him quite a lot more than my own to maintain, etc, etc. I have a home, car, kids, animals, utilities, cell phones, Internet, telephone, medical insurance for me and the girls, paying student loans, paying off old debts, I have it all really. All I need(and luxuries). Just a little tight on cash and I am finally wanting to do something about it! I want to be where I was financially when he was messing up his money and it didn't matter quite as much because I made enough to handle it all and then had extra after saving. It really hurt but we could make it. I want to be able to make that kind of money again. I want it bad, I want all my debt paid off and mine isn't as great as the normal debt now a days! Mine is pretty small except for student loans really.

Well, I go to church tonight and God reinforces what I have been pondering. Can I live as He wants me to live? Of course I can with His help. In His power, but I keep thinking -- "I" can' t do it. "I" am getting tired. When is it going to be "My" turn to take it easy?! God is talking to me a lot. He is telling me how He is going to bless me. I need to keep working my program, it takes work, but it works if I work it. And I know it works! This program and my new life is an entire lifestyle change, it won't happen over night and I've been doing it wrong since high school! And now I am a grandma(young! Only 38 yrs old!!!!)! I will pray for His strength to carry me through and keep reading, writing, blogging. And work as if I am working for God and not man. And then do something about my situation, because I can, but only with His help. Making sure to consult with Him, trust Him, Give it to Him, Ask Him for it, Even beg Him for it if need be then accept His direction! And I found I am quite hard headed. I still want my way, I am able to change, but certain parts of me I have to really work at to accomplish the changes needed and finances happens to be one area I feel I need to control. There goes that "I" again!

I watched the baby tonight. My daughter stressed out I guess and my oldest had the baby while I was at church. So when I got home the little bundle of joy was at my house! I just laid on my bed with him crawling all over it and exploring. No fuss, no crying. Fed him and he passed out! He was easy tonight. Thank you God for my grandbaby! I saw him and forgot all that was troubling me tonight. He just has that effect on me.

I am grateful for:
My program.
My God who has helped me to be more welcome to change in my life, even if I am hard headed and He has to knock me around a lot to get my attention.
My G-Baby!
My dogs...Lady and Timber.
My recovery books, devotionals, friends, etc.
The fellowships encouraging words I keep getting...Thank you all so much, I need to hear those things!
My job...Really!
My future job!
That my car is still running! It is still getting me there.
My Sponsor, whom I just do not talk to enough. I call once a week. And you know, this week I haven't talked to her! Oh my!
My new found daily time with God, praying, talking, or reading His word.

Geez! Do I feel better! Good Night!