My Annual Review

Boy, boy, boy! What a program does for me! Today I had an annual review. And, it was not real good. Upon my first reading, I felt like I was doing nothing right, like all my efforts where not being noticed, and it made me very angry. I knew I couldn't just blow up on my boss, I was at fault, but from the way I took it, I couldn't understand how I even had a job if this is the way my boss felt! I then had to discuss it today with my boss. She wanted to have a discussion since it was overdue anyway. I felt so not ready to do this since I felt it was so bad. I quickly realized what I was doing to myself, and had to immediately stop my mind from racing. I prayed to take it as constructive, I could see alot was me, but I wasn't willing to accept that I was as bad as it sounded. And it sounded bad. Like I'd said, I couldn't believe I even had the job. So I prayed and prayed to let it go and wait for the discussion, it couldn't be that bad! I put it aside and kept on working. That was a struggle too.

When that discussion time came, I told my boss exactly how I felt. How her review made me feel. Which is not normal for me, actually, in a previous review she said many of the same things and all I did was agree with her although I didn't feel she was totally right on all of it. I had no opinion and just agreed and signed it. It turns out she didn't mean it to sound that bad. I asked her to explain and on one point, she actually couldn't tell me. Then she started adding things in that gave me some praise. Other things started coming to mind when she did this. She was finding the good points and things I've done to help her and lift some burdens she had been carrying. So it turns out even though I was bad, and I was bad! I didn't deny it. I still agreed, but there were positive things that I felt needed to be in my review. And the scoring I didn't understand so that was explained. Which also turned out to not be so bad. And I agreed then with the scoring as an accurate picture of me. I'm so glad I didn't let the anger lead me. And not just accepting it either. I actually spoke up for me for once at work. And it helped me feel so good about me to do it. Much easier than I thought. I thanked God later, He is so good!

Only bad thing is they are going to throw more work at me because she feels I can do more, even still! They may run me out of there too! That may be a good thing though. The strongest point I had in my review was I am making it on time to work and even getting there before my boss! She absolutely loved that although it is not in my report. Hmmmm...I still need to make comments on it too, so it will be...

I am thankful for my program today. It helped me to look at what I thought was a very bad situation in a different way, I struggled but I could think more clearly by backing up and thinking along a different track. And then fully explain myself and listen to her explain herself. It helped me...It helped me...It helped me...and I am so grateful!