Old stuff/New stuff

It's so funny that the day I am so early for church was daylight savings weekend! It just let me know I still have other areas to work on with me. I am also still in a pinch financially due to my unfinished business! God, please help me to move! Oh! I am getting slightly frustrated again with me! Tonight I finally admitted this to my Sponsor! Finally! She told me I needed to get a move on it! What was I waiting for? I have no idea...

This weekend my ex mentioned some old stuff to me again. He said, "I wish you would find a man so I could feel better!" And, other stuff about me hurting his feelings and being angry a lot. I couldn't believe he was talking this way about me yet again. I mean how many times do I need to apologize for what I did that I didn't realize was hurting him? I said I was sorry a couple of times already. He just won't leave it alone. How often are we going to relive all that stuff? I knew that if I kept the conversation going, it would probably turn into an argument. So I politely excused myself from the conversation and went about my day.

As far as the man comment, I figure he still feels guilty for doing what he did. I am pretty much okay with it now. No, I didn't like it and still don't, but I can look past all that now and I still know it is God's will we are not together. How can I dwell on it if I know that for a fact? I can't! It's okay with me now. He does apologize a lot! Still. And I keep saying its okay. Really. But I keep getting the same thing. Anyway, I guess that is his problem not mine. I did say his happiness should not depend on if I have a man or not. What I do shouldn't matter to how he feels. That's like, Codependency, right?

He's also said his girlfriend is so unbelievably jealous. And he's told me previously that I wasn't jealous enough in our relationship. True, I am not the jealous type. I guess you get what you ask for... I trusted my man was all, and I knew he was mine. I even knew when he was no longer mine, if I think about it. I knew something was going on, way to obvious, he wasn't like that and I could instantly tell, but not willing to accept it at that time. But at least it doesn't stick with me anymore. It took a little while before I let it go! God is good!

God also spoke to my needs this Sunday. The sermon was directed at those of us who feel like "Why is God blessing them in such a way and he doesn't do that for me?" I guess I have to get the tape because I suddenly can't remember the answer. Although there may not be one set answer, he could be seeing the attitude we have, us questioning him. He has specific plans for us that are different from those we see getting blessed. We don't know what they've been through for them to get what they've received from God. I know me, I am hard-headed, I don't want to do certain things I think God wants me to do, and I don't trust Him with everything. And finances is a hard thing to let go of for me. I do want to be in control of it all on a constant basis, but in my way. Not necessarily the "right" way. Or the way God wants me to do things! You know, that trust thing keeps getting right in my face all the time! I know I have an issue there and I am trying to work on it, just a little unsure how to change it...or am I? Hmmmm.

Today I am thankful for:
...My dogs even though they are driving me nuts!
...My G-Baby not getting Strep!
...Me not having Strep!
...The peacefulness in my house!
...Me having two couches. Its a pain, but it will get worked out! And the one we are babysitting is more comfortable than mine anyway!
...My Sponsor!
...My friends in recovery!
...Everyone who reads me, comments to me, and/or checks on me if I am M.I.A.! Thanks to you all! I wouldn't have thought of a fellowship out here but there is one out here.
...That no matter how hard-headed I get, God is still providing for me.
...God giving me chance after chance for me to trust Him to change me.