Well, this year is starting out pretty good so far. I've just been so busy. My oldest moved out Friday, and it was kind of sudden. I don't think she was planning to, but then the opportunity came up and she's gone. I thought my place would be a little more empty, but its not. Which means I have lots of crap!!!! I need to straighten up and throw out my crap!!! Well, I think I was placing my cluttered life on my kids? I think I was! Not all of it, but a really good portion of it. So reality hits me on that one!!! LOL.
I haven't heard much from my ex since Christmas either. That was when he told me he was engaged. But since this new guy has been in my life, I haven't really much thought about it until today. My girls I know are going by to visit with him. They mentioned it to me recently.
And the new guy, I am very comfortable with him. Very comfortable. Unfortunately, I jumped into the physical way before I wanted to. I did want to, just not so soon, but I was just always wanting it a lot. And that was way prior to meeting him. I was fighting off lust all the time. Not that I am into casual sex with anyone, I am not. It was pretty overwhelming for me to feel the way I was feeling. But, you know, now this conflicts with the way I think my religious beliefs say I should live. I wanted to uphold that standard but it was getting so much harder on me - or maybe I just think that it was. Or I just want what I want. And my program says I can find out what I want for my life and its okay for me to be happy. And I still am happy, but I feel very convicted still due to my religious beliefs. I've wanted this for quite some time and it was just getting worse. I mentioned to a friend about finding a lover(joking but not!) to fill that void for a while. Even though I feel its wrong too. My friend told me to pace myself...well, to me that meant wait. And that was not long ago. That went right out the window on New Year's Day when I visited the new guy. Well, it wouldn't have if I held out on the kiss. That was the start of it. It was kinda funny too though. I kept thinking to stop in my mind but was physically doing the opposite. But one thing I do remember...I was wanting to not upset him by stopping. Even though I did actually say I didn't want to go so far. It made me think about my motives, but still, I was wanting to, so its hard for me to say I was trying to please him or just doing what I wanted. But I tell you one thing, I didn't regret it for long! Maybe the next day tops! Then it was not a big deal anymore until church time! Well, middle of the week, then it started to bug me again-due to my convictions. I do welcome feedback on this issue in my life....feel free! I would love to hear from you all on this.
Today I am grateful for:
My girls, making their paths, hoping they do better than I did.
My dogs, for their happy faces and attitudes when I've been gone too long!!!! Which is a lot lately.
The new guy, some one who treats me better than any man I have come to know so far. And his direct way he communicates with me. My comfort level with him.
The New Year, with its new circumstances and more changes that aren't so hard to accept anymore!
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