Learning who to spend time with...

Late last week, a friend and I had lunch. She and I have been quite close, she knows a lot about me. Apparently, it is enough to hurt me when she chooses to do so. I don't think she did it purposely, but I just don't know. I felt it was unkind to make the remark she made about something I had told her in confidence and I feel like it was used against me. I noticed my response - I didn't have one and I think I should have. I should have defended myself and didn't. I think I didn't because besides being surprised. I didn't want to get into an argument with her in public. I was avoiding conflict. I did feel hurt and what she mentioned was true at one time although it is no longer true of my feelings anymore. I was pretty quiet the rest of the week. Didn't really talk much with her. She noticed. Then again I shared and she, as usual, doesn't get how I can possibly talk to my ex - period! Without being upset and angry with him. So I commenced to explain why I feel that it is not necessary for me to be upset with him - I experience more serenity when I accept him as he is. He's not changing anyway, no matter what I say or even what he experiences! And the program teaches me a new way of life. I have already been told maybe three times now that she may not need to be involved in my recovery since she has no program and she doesn't understand. Her part in my life is helping me remember to include God in my life and that is where it needs to end. I did stop sharing so much about my recovery part of my life but the drama in my life that continues on, keeps me sharing with her so much. I do share with her about the program and she doesn't really want to hear it. Although she does need it. Her family is full of alcoholics and addicts. She was a former drinker/user herself. They have been affected just as I have, I can see it (of course). She has absolutely no patience for any part of that lifestyle anymore but I feel she is still angered by it, she carries lots of anger behind it. Then there's her anger over her ex! Oh my! When I bring that up, she says she isn't upset over it anymore, but actions and her feelings of anger at him just seem to speak differently to me. Like she's denying she's still angry and not affected by his actions. I actually feel sorry for her being so upset still even after all these years they've been divorced! She looks at me in amazement at things I share about me and my ex in the short time since we've been broken up (just over a year now).

Since Friday, we talked a little and that day when we kinda went back and forth over how I can stand to speak to my ex at all, she asked, "Doesn't that bother you?" Of course, but getting upset doesn't make me feel any better and doesn't change a thing. I also said I don't want to be upset over what he does, I don't want to be like that(reacting like her - I actually pointed at her when I said it!). Going ballistic over what he says or does or doesn't do for me or the kids. And I've found for me, it works, I'm happy with my life and how I am learning to handle it by applying my program. She feels God is all I need and that is that! All this other stuff, CodA, Al-Anon, is not necessary(and that is putting it lightly).

At one time I felt the same, I do feel that God is all I need but the program taught me how to live what I was being told in church. I had it all wrong before my recovery began. I've had my faith since I was a child. And all through this relationship too! You just don't get this stuff in church like you get it in the meetings! AA, Al-Anon, CodA, NA, Etc, etc, they are all here for a reason! Today I am happy being me, not too long ago, I was not.

Oh by the way, this stemmed from today's reading from The Language of Letting Go, by Melody Beatty. http://www.hazelden.org/servlet/hazelden/thoughts?page_id=25020

Today:
Serenity approaches in the arms of acceptance.

I allow myself to be me today.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be!