Last night at my Al-Anon meeting, we talked about the 10th step. I haven't worked that far but it did make me think, I am beginning to actually wonder why I am doing the things I do. Why I seem to respond so slowly to the pressing issues in my life? I normally am very willing to improve myself. In the programs (CodA and Al-Anon), I am the focus but, I am now quite a bit slower to change. But still very willing, the desire to change is there all the time. I am finally recognizing the fact that there needs to be a change for me to get better!
Just yesterday, I was talking with a friend in recovery, and we were discussing me wanting to have more money and a better job. He had all kinds of suggestions, and I had an excuse for why each one wouldn't work for me! Then I started to hear myself, I felt like I was playing the victim role as far as my career and finances. And the reading from The Language of Letting Go, had already spoken to me about finances and it was really speaking to me. I don't know why I keep holding myself back but I think I feel I don't deserve it yet. But while talking to him I realized what I was doing. And I was going to ask him what he thought of my excuses, or what he thought he was really hearing me say, but I hesitated and I didn't ask him. Probably because I already know. Or am finally accepting and coming to realize what I am actually doing. My ex used to say I was making excuses and his sister always said I wasn't confident enough with myself to do anything. I needed to change that. I never liked what they said, but now I am thinking that maybe the problem. I also want to change my career too and to me that means less money to begin with. Starting again at the bottom and working my way up. Which, if I think about it, is actually exactly where I am now. At the bottom waiting to work my way up. Which, in my current company, will be very hard to do. So a lateral move wouldn't hurt me really. What have I to lose? Sounds like not much. I am always taking chances elsewhere, why not here? I do not have an answer...But I know nearly every time I talk to this friend I learn something about me that I usually am not willing to accept yet. Or I am fighting to accept within myself. This is something I didn't realize and now I will need to fight to accept about me. I want better but I am afraid to make a move. I am remaining in yet another situation that is not helpful to me. I am a very loyal employee, friend, etc. Except, at many times, maybe not to myself and what I need! I feel I deserve better but won't try to make it happen.
Later last night, I hung out with another friend in recovery. I remember noticing before that she didn't smile so much and when we went out I thought she didn't really want to go due to the fact that she didn't look so happy. I did ask her about it then and she explained lots of people express the same thing. Then I saw in her what I used to be like before I started to do little things for me to change my appearance. To look better, hence, feel better about me. Its funny how much in common I find I have with the other members of the group sometimes. But it makes me feel more willing to be honest, open and understanding with them - and even some others outside the groups. Anyway, I noticed she has a very pretty smile. I should have told her. I did comment on her picture she showed me. We stayed there talking until about 12:30 am, then I went home. I had a good time. We shared a lot with one another. I love learning about folks and hearing what makes them happy, sad, excited, whatever and I do always learn something new, no matter how small it may be. I learn something.
Today I am thankful to have a growing list of friends in the fellowship who support me, love me, let me gripe, let me weep, let me be me and be comfortable with me at all times.
I thank God and the program because I am really starting to think about why I am the way I am, and what may need to change to make me better. To improve my life.
I thank God for my car, that is still running, I keep trying to treat her well, as best I can. And with all its problems, it still gets me there. I pray that it lasts until I get another one.
I am thankful for those of you who read my blog and appreciate the comments you leave. Thank you so much for sharing your insights with me.
OH my gosh!!! And I am thankful for the fact that I had two invites to the CHIEFS game tomorrow!!!!! YYYYYyyyyeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!! FOOTBALL!!!!! I will be going with my brother-in-law to the game!!!!! I gotta pick out my gear for tomorrow!
4 comments:
Awesome post MsManna..I can feel your inspiration,courage and determination.
Thanks for sharing~
Great post manna, si hablo espanola un poco..
We all grow differently and at different paces. You know, I have one rose bush. The roses are lavender. They all get equal treatment and nurture, however some take to it faster than others, some grow and bloom so quickly. Others take time, however what is so beautiful is the process of seeing them in all stages. I stand back, look at this rose bush and appreciate each part of it.
I appreciate each part of you. You are blooming rapidly in some areas while others are taking some time . . . stand back and look, can you see yourself and how beautiful each part is?
I do.
Oh my gosh, Sober Chick, thanks for that post! I didn't see myself that way and as I read it at work I began to cry! Thank goodness for lunch time! LOL! Thanks again!
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