Another Loss in the family

Last week was a wild ride once again. My oldest daughter who is pregnant, or was, had problems last Sunday evening. She thought her water broke (and it did, come to find out later) and we rushed her to emergency. They sent her home saying it wasn't so. Thursday night she had bad cramping which to me appeared to be labor! So again, we took her to emergency. Again they said, not so. Discharged her and before we could leave the hospital, she started bleeding. They said she was miscarrying. She was admitted, but they said she was not miscarrying but going into early labor. At four months. She ended up losing the babies, there were two, she was carrying twins. Twin boys. Both babies did not make it. It was a great shock, to all of us. They were developing correctly we were told and they had no idea why this happened. I think I am going back to work Wednesday. Kinda numb, still in a daze, but I think its okay to go. I've slept most of today away, not wanting to really do anything. I was supposed to go out tonight but was glad he didn't call.

I am so glad to have God in my life. A higher power that I can count on. One I can lean on and trust to help us all through. I have a lot of folks praying for my daughter to help get her through and to fight any depression that may try to set in. She was just getting used to the idea of being a mom. God must have other plans for her. God has not failed me or my family and I pray that we just keep going through. I haven't been to my meetings since all this began, I am looking forward to a meeting this week. I still may not make it if my daughter isn't feeling well. She also had to have a blood transfusion this past Sunday due to her loss of blood during the delivery. And you know, I think God was telling us this was coming. She was having dreams and I had one too about her losing the baby she was carrying. Only it was two!

Her father, my ex - seldom one to say something uplifting, upset me while we were talking about it Monday evening. I can't believe the crap that comes out of his mouth! I think he feels we should be more upset than we are. But yet he didn't go see her the last two days because he didn't feel grief for the babies? I don't get it. But I stopped myself short of going off on him and just ended the conversation. I am reminded of why I couldn't stand to be his woman many a time, he never could just talk anything out. He'd get stressed easily and just seem to get all loopy or lost. Unable to talk about any issue. I felt he was avoiding whatever the issue was that required his involvement or action! It was so infuriating and frustrating to hear him just trying to end it and get out of it! I am glad I can vent here. This feels good and it isn't harming him or belittling him in anyway. I did vent to a friend but I just needed someone to listen and not comment. I am so grateful for the ability to just let him be the way he is and stop allowing it to affect me.

Today, I am so grateful for my program!

I am thankful that even during this stressful event, I can still apply my program and be peaceful and serene, even though it takes work. I can Let go and Let God, and Live and Let Live. He(my ex) can freely be who he is and I can be okay with that today. Even if it reminds me of where I was just over a year ago. But that in itself isn't so bad, tells me how far I've come since then too. I can be grateful that my codependency doesn't have the grip it did just a year ago. I can be thankful my beautiful daughter is getting better. She looks better, I can tell she feels better. I can thank God for my two girls and the fact that they are just maturing at a better rate than I did. I thank God They are able to take care of themselves. I thank God I took them to church while they were young so they also know God. I thank God I have these two girls to go through with me. And the support of all my family in the program, including those of you who read my blog!

And I must end...Work tomorrow...Back to life as usual...Kinda.