Making it through!

I had that rough weekend a couple of weeks ago. Well, maybe last weekend. This weekend was cool even though it didn't go as I wanted it to at all. It was a good weekend. I got my grass cut, it was hurting for that, sadly. But it is done now. My niece's birthday party was Sunday and that was fun. Today I started to feel lonely again! I couldn't get my guy on the phone and of course, I started to plunge into sadness again. I do NOT like that in me. It isn't seeming that serious. Only one day? Not even 24 hours sometimes. I wish that would stop. But its not it is happening more often it seems. But another friend called and we caught up on each other's lives. So I made it through and then the man finally called.

I missed out on an AA celebration weekend due to all the stuff I needed to do around the house. But they taped it all so I can at least purchase who I wanted to hear over the weekend! Happy Day! I will do that soon.

My guy came to cut my grass this weekend, and my daughter was here too. We all three sat and talked after he was done outside. We ate, we chatted a while. She left and he suggested we sit outside. We sat out there quiet mostly, sometimes talking, chatting with the neighbor and watching the dramas play out up and down the block. Mostly down the block...lol. I felt so good just holding his arm as we sat saying nothing. Actually, I love his arms, he's working out so much now and they are looking mighty good if you know what I mean! I just have to touch them. I need to step it up a notch! I still haven't gotten back into the routine of doing my Taebo every other day as I want to. My stomach is still here! Not shrinking!

There was a man going around shooting up lots of folks this weekend here. At one of the malls in a much better part of town too! He killed his neighbor, took her car, stopped at a gas station and shot a cop there, then went to the mall to shoot up more folks! Then he was killed by the cops. What is going on out here??? My guy told me tonight that he was going to go up to that very mall yesterday when it was happening. He wanted to go to a store they have there and just got busy and didn't go. Thank God! He may have been involved!!!

Today I am grateful for:

~my dogs who love me and crave my attention.
~my guy and his decision to stay home yesterday.
~my friend who called me tonight to catch up.
~my empty (no drama filled) house.
~the ability to relax completely in my house.
~my cell phone pics of the grand baby!
~my Internet connection!!!
~my digital camera pics of the grand baby and life in general.
~Trusting that my God is watching over me in my home life alone.
~the visit from my guy this weekend. Sitting on the porch together.
~my neighbors on both sides, they are good neighbors.
~me wanting to straighten up around here. Live better. Look better.
~my time I spend here, searching and learning about me.
~the time I spend here reading about you all.

Thanks for letting me share...

Finding my own truth...

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Finding Our Own Truth

We must each discover our own truth.It does not help us if those we love find their truth. They cannot give it to us.

It does not help if someone we love knows a particular truth in our life. We must discover our truth for ourselves.

We must each discover and stand in our own light.We often need to struggle, fail, and be confused and frustrated. That's how we break through our struggle; that's how we learn what is true and right for ourselves.

We can share information with others. Others can tell us what may predictably happen if we pursue a particular course. But it will not mean anything until we integrate the message and it becomes our truth, our discovery, and our knowledge.

There is no easy way to break through and find our truth.But we can and will, if we want to.

We may want to make it easier. We may nervously run to friends, asking them to give us their truth or make our discovery easier. They cannot. Light will shed itself in its own time.

Each of us has our own share of truth, waiting to reveal itself to us. Each of us has our own share of the light, waiting for us to stand in it, to claim it as ours.

Encouragement helps. Support helps. A firm belief that each person has truth available - appropriate to each situation - is what will help.

Each experience, each frustration, each situation, has its own truth waiting to be revealed. Don't give up until you find it - for yourself.

We shall be guided into truth, if we are seeking it. We are not alone.

Today, I will search for my own truth, and I will allow others to do the same. I will place value on my vision and the vision of others. We are each on the journey, making our own discoveries - the ones that are right for us today.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Expectations

Well, after talking to a friend in the program, I discovered that I was expecting a certain result....even though the new guy had told me what he planned to do Saturday evening. I thought I was acting on a change in routine from every weekend. I know that was a sign from my last relationship that my ex was cheating. But I do trust the new guy. I don't have any reason to think badly of his behavior. I knew it was me but I couldn't see what in me was bugging me. I know I hated the way I felt this past weekend. I am also used to him calling me daily, and he still does, so if one day is missed, I start thinking something is wrong! And nothing has changed, he's just not contacted me. And I guess I expected it!

Well, it is sometimes hard to see why I am feeling the way I feel. I should have called my sponsor, I didn't think of it. I thought to call no one...it never crossed my mind. That is pretty weird that I did that. I usually think of calling some one when I feel bad. But this time it didn't happen.

Today, I am grateful to discover this about me. And hopefully I can use this knowledge to maintain my serenity. Cause I surely lost it!!! LOL!

Today, I am grateful to the program for helping to discover the things within me that make me crazy! And to be able with the help of my God, to change those things. Or rather, to allow Him mold me. To call on Him and trust He can do it, because I alone cannot!

Today, I am grateful for the friends I have in the program, and their ability to see within me. And to not be critical but accepting of my nuttiness!

The Blahs

What a week. I am so glad it is over. I am home tonight. The new guy is out with his friend. You know, I get confused when this happens on the weekend. I don't get why. I think that something is wrong. Anytime he does something different. Maybe its just that the newness of the relationship is now cooling off some. I do not like this feeling - again! I don't feel like doing anything and it almost seems like I get a little depressed. I hate that! But I am not too sad. Just wondering why...and he calls me whenever he is with his friends. Its like he's checking in to let me know what they are doing. I think that's weird too. I don't do that when I'm with my friends. I was gonna go to a new Salsa club tonight but didn't even think about it when he said he was going to be with his friend tonight. I totally forgot it. I had stuff to do here, and, I didn't do them...I think I did maybe half of all I wanted to do. I can't stand that about me either.

But I went to the movies early today and I thought it was going to be a group from church. It wasn't. It was the guy who asked me if we could "hang out" from this past Sunday. We've known each other for a long time and I thought just hanging out was okay. I still think its okay. We talked alot this week. I felt like he was trying to lead me in a relationship kind of direction. Romantic direction. So Friday I had to have a "lets make everything clear" talk with him. He seemed to be wanting that and I didn't' think I should mislead him. He said he wanted friendship and only to have someone to hang out with. So that's where we are today. He seemed pretty sad though. But, his apartment has been closed due to a fire recently and luckily, his apt didn't burn up but it does have smoke damage. So he can't stay there until Monday now. I felt kinda sad for him. He is staying with a friend of his. I felt the need to help him too, when he mentioned he couldn't stay at his own place! Just like I wanted to help the kids earlier this week, I wanted to help him.

I did have a good time with him. He was very polite and it was funny, he kept his distance from me and it was noticeable. In the movie, we sat with one empty chair in between us. I thought, weird, but not for this guy, really. Anyway, the movie was funny. Blades of Glory.

I do know my dogs are glad I didn't go anywhere. They were dying for my attention. All day long! It was eighty degrees here and they wanted to be in the house with me! Well, such was my day...church tomorrow.

Hey...maybe that's who I need to give it to...my HP....hmmm. Night...

Troubled again

So many things are happening again. My kids keep getting in trouble, not bad trouble just money troubles and getting on their feet struggles and I so wish I could help them. So badly! I hurt so much due to the fact that I can't help them in anyway. Not even financially basically. I am not in such good shape myself and I can't do anything. Their father is currently in bad shape himself (which I didn't know) and he can't help either. I feel so bad. I want to help and can't. I guess this is the way it is supposed to be, there must be a reason. This feels horrible. I can't stand it. I can if I try I guess. Just let go of what I can't change. But boy does this hurt my heart.

Monday rantings

I am not doing my exercises again! I keep getting very unmotivated! The new guy is doing his. Like he has a really good reason for it but me, I have a good reasons too, but I'm not doing it! Why! Why! Why?! I can't stand this!

I am grateful that I want to do them and realize I should take care of me! But I am not continuing to do it!

Sorry, I just needed to rant! I can't stand when I won't do what I need to do! I want to get in shape, clean up around here, get things done in the yard and around the house, move my furniture around, unclutter around here!!!! But am I? No! I really hope it is not this new relationship. I spend a lot of time with him. It is just now dying down a little.

There are a few things on my mind. I still need more money. It is just too tight.

I do think about what the new guy thinks about many things. I keep trying to figure him out when I could just ask. But do I? NO!

I feel convicted because I think I should be closer to God than I feel I am. Though, I do feel pretty darn close to God at times. Many times.

Maybe I just needed to confess. Maybe this will help. Now I want to get up and do a little something!

My New Life is so good!

Life is good. I love where I am at today in my new life in recovery. I have new friends who understand me and my craziness, listen to me, but still tell me what needs to be said. And I can accept it and see my part in it. Where I may be wrong and right. Usually where I was wrong! LOL! I love to be still learning and learning to be in a normal relationship. I know not completely normal, but very different than what I was used to. It shows sometimes too that I am not accustomed to being treated the way SS treats me. He sees it, but I don't know if he realizes it. But he is surprised at times by how I think. It hasn't happened lately enough for him to see, but its there. Anyway, life is good. I am having a good time. Things aren't perfect, but they never are. And I am happy.

I saw the baby tonight, he is just wandering all over the place now. He will be one year old soon. He's such a cutie pie. A gorgeous boy! He's talking baby gibberish too. Lots of it. Life is good.

I mentioned some of my pretty recent past with SS tonight and he was surprised I think. Somehow we got on the subject of my kids and their boyfriends. I told him of a couple of run-ins I've had with them. One where I actually popped one in the mouth and busted his lip. He immediately said, "you could have gone to jail". And, if any woman hit him, they will go to jail. Well! I understand, really. But I was still surprised. I never thought this way when I got hit. Nor did I think that I had that option when I or my girls got into trouble. I thought I was gonna take up for them. Period. No cops. I can handle it. I'll finish it really... It kinda caught me off guard a bit. But that was an option I never realized was even available. That is so strange how I was thinking back then.

Thank God for my program. The more I live and interact with all these new people in my life, those in the program and outside of the program but who do not have similar problems, the more I learn how to live. Hearing it around the tables and living my life in recovery. I am so loving it but so surprised at times by what I am learning. And I guess reflecting on my life in the past. I feel sad that I did the things I did. But I am so happy and grateful that nothing worse happened to me or my girls. I am thankful things smoothed out and I can learn instead of just react to those around me. Not near as much fear is involved anymore. For that I am grateful.

I am so glad to have all these new people in my life. Good or bad. They all teach me something. Today I am so glad to be able to learn from all my experiences and not feel like a victim of my circumstances anymore! God is so good!

Good Friday night/Home Makeover In KC!

I had an okay week. Mostly just work and running around at night! Just busy, not being bad or anything! Friday comes and I go to a sparsely attended Al-Anon. We discussed the Third step, Acceptance and Surrender. It was a good meeting as always! It even went over about twenty minutes! Not normal for us! Then, I was leaving and a friend of my ex mentioned to me, "What goes around comes around - You know what I mean, don't cha?" I told her I thought so. She commenced to tell me about my ex and his woman who is also a recovering addict. She's doing to him what he'd always done to me but it is a bit more extreme. He's getting back the same treatment. Anyway, I knew of all she mentioned since he called me to tell me all the dirt anyway as soon as it happened. I had to step away from the conversation after thinking, I don't really want the worst for him. I am not like that. Wishing badly on him, even if many women think he deserves it. Or I should hate. But I can't. I've never been that way, probably never will be and now that I am in Al-Anon? That's not what they teach nor what I have learned in the program. And its just not my God's way!

So, I had to direct the conversation in a different direction. It did change. She mentioned how she always prays for me to have some one who treats me well. Someone who would be good to me. And right now, that is what I have. His maturity level alone is so much more on my same level. He's confident enough not to be jealous. He's so different. He's a good guy. My ex is a really good guy too, but very self-centered and will use people very easily. Especially those closest to him. But he's working on it. He really is - to a point. But I guess I did detach because I knew it wasn't good to gossip about him either. It was all true and this is God's will for the both of us, but no need to keep re-living it. And God (my HP) has truely blessed me to meet men who do not have those types of problems (not problem-free in any way! but!) and I won't have a problem trusting them in the same room with my purse or car keys!

God has been so good to me. I complain here and there, but He's been better to me than I ever would be. Pruning me and that stinks sometimes, and sometimes not. Proving He will care for me and I still have a hard time believing He will. I still hesitate when He says "Do this". And quite hard headed in a few other areas. He keeps showing me what to do and I still hesitate! What a mess! But, I am working on it! Sometimes its a struggle, well, most times recently. But due to my hard-headedness! He is still good as usual!

Didn't go to the St. Patty's Day parade, too cold. It turned out not to be so bad. Interesting note!!! Kansas City is featured again on the TV show Extreme Home Makeover! Keith Green construction is doing the home. The Jacobo family in North KC is getting a new home with nine bedrooms tomorrow!!! They had 900 sq feet to live in and will have 5000 sq feet!!! I wanna go see, I may try to go. It sounds like fun. Being in the crowd may be fun. I'll definately write if I do!

I watched an HBO special on "Addictions" Thursday night. I thought it was pretty interesting. It was very much on the scientific side of addictions and treating it as a disease. Very interesting if you like documentaries! I love them! It is a 9 week series. Myself and a couple of friends are getting together to watch it. There was very little mention of the 12 step programs. That was sad to not have that along with the drugs they kept talking about. But it is just the first episode! Looking forward to the rest of them!

Lonely weekend

My weekend went pretty okay. Saturday didn't turn out like I had wished but, it came out okay. I did have some weird moments again...

Saturday I was going back and forth with inviting friends over to have Margaritas. I had missed one's birthday and that is what she wanted to do. I love Margaritas myself. So OK, let's do it! So I finally picked up a bit around here...I can't believe I am taking so long to take care of things around here! That's what I noticed first. And, I am not a very willing host. One lady I knew how she is when she drinks, she's a hoot! She falls asleep! I can handle that. But the other I don't know. Anyway, they say they are coming and so I wait. I bought all the stuff, and waited. Told the new guy I was getting together with the girls tonight and wouldn't be by this evening. And I waited. And waited. I really had debated a lot in my mind as to whether or not to do this at all! It is also the first time I've had any company since the break up. Maybe longer! Its been almost two years since the break up. So this really was a big step for me. I invited SS (the new guy) over too along with his friend. They were supposed to be coming anyway to look at my drain in the basement - clogged!!

Okay, so nobody shows, nobody. Nobody calls, nothing. I called SS and his friend forgot. So there goes that. The friends never call. I didn't call either. I wasn't feeling good with a cough anyway, and I was getting tired. So I didn't make a big deal out of it.

In the past I would have been calling to the point that they may not even continue answering and then started a pity party! Today it was no big deal. I finally got some things done and I have Marg fixin's when I want them. It will sit there too. I always let alcohol just sit there since I don't drink much at all. Maybe God is using these incidents to prune me. As my sister says. That was a Joyce Meyer thing. That is probably why things are constantly happening.

I did feel the pangs of loneliness which I don't understand. It was only one night. I am fine all week and if I am alone on the weekend suddenly I feel lonely. But I am quick to find something to busy my time with. And so I've felt it but I can make it. Its fine. Maybe I am still adjusting to my empty nest. If I hadn't mentioned, my oldest moved out in early January and even though it seems she doesn't care for it much, she is still there. I hate the neighborhood. It is a pretty bad area. I pray for her protection all the time. I'm glad Saturday is over.

Sunday, SS invited me to his sister's for dinner. I went excited to meet some of his family. I felt very extremely shy. I was really not me. Very quiet. I had a good time. But his sister did get a chance to chat with me for a few minutes. She had no idea who I was. I was a little surprised by the fact that he hadn't told anyone about me yet. But I am pretty new to this dating thing, and he did mention he didn't like to make the first move in a relationship. But we've already been intimate and I just assumed he'd at least mentioned me. So I felt a little weird, I was vague with my answers about us and just left it at that. We haven't had any discussion on what we are exactly, I guess its time to find out. That has made me nervous. And I don't know why. Maybe I fear rejection? But I honestly don't think that will happen. So who knows? The next relationship jitters??? LOL! Maybe so....I'm not sure how to proceed except to just ask.

But I had a good time at his sister's place, I felt very welcomed, and went home with a plate of food! Always good!

Church was just for me today. And a few others. The message was not to isolate, because then you are accountable to no one. And you do whatever and your thinking can be your greatest enemy. Pastor was talking about Stinkin' Thinkin' being bad for us. Saying something negative to yourself over and over causes you to believe it and not live up to what God intended for you. And believing in God and acting on that belief are two very different things. I love my church! It is really starting to feel different. Like more open, less condemning and I don't have to be perfect to fit in. I felt like that before.

One of the guys there had asked me to go to lunch after church a few weeks ago. I refused due to $$ and he said he'd cover it. Well, he changed his mind I guess and then just dodged me. Instead of telling me it was more than he'd expected. It didn't upset me, I just assumed that is what was going on and let it go. It had surprised me that he'd even offered and I asked if he was sure. That was a few weeks ago. He saw me today and we just said our "Hello" as normal. I was leaving and he stopped me. He told me it was too expensive for him and that's what had happened. And then he mentioned that I knew his name and always used it when I saw him. He apologized for not remembering mine and then we chatted a little about how long we have attended the same church. Over 10 years for both of us! He is pretty unforgettable, a little off it seems and sometimes pretty hard hearted or condemning to some of his lady friends. From how he describes his interactions with them. Those of us in the church can be a bit self-righteous to others at times, if not always. And I used to be the same with my ex. I'm so glad that has changed.

Anyway, he seemed to really want to talk to me and I just kept taking care of my business, but you know, I felt uncomfortable. Like, since I am seeing SS, that I shouldn't be even chatting with this guy. I felt like I was leading him on or something. There has never been anything romantic even slightly with my friend at church. It was the first time he'd invited me to lunch or even spoken to me other than in passing. But I felt wrong. So is this CodA behavior too? I guess I should do some reading on it. To help me understand. Okay, enough ranting for tonight.

I am very thankful for my weekend. It ain't perfect here, but I finally got something done! One major thing is done now! Next step!!!!

HP and my program, amazing

Nice, quiet, weekend. I love those kinda weekends. Didn't do too much and actually just lazied around all day Saturday. I got to see the grand baby Sunday. It was pretty quiet. A single weird incident on Sunday though. Saturday my ex got married to the girlfriend he left me for. And Sunday, he contacts me. Said he was wondering if I was okay and if I knew what he had done. I knew. I was truly fine. I was with the new guy when I was reminded of it, and so tired that once I got off the phone that morning, I passed out again and didn't think of it anymore until later in the day. My kids hadn't contacted me. I thought I was gonna do some baby sitting and didn't have to. Good thing, I was busy anyway! LOL

Last week a lady at work was so rude to me on the phone. NO big deal, I am a receptionist and I deal with that daily sometimes. I am always professional about it. She didn't hesitate to show her attitude towards me. It was very bad over the phone due to the fact that I would not identify myself and she was demanding information. When people come at me like that I am very professional with them but I do not give out any information. And that is for everyone, but once they tell me who they are I can decide to open up. But only once I know who they are and if I am allowed to give them the information they desire. So, me holding my ground upset her. She wasn't identifying herself. Finally she did. And I happily gave her the info and transferred her. She was a coworker calling from her cell so I had no idea who she was.

Later in the day, actually not too much later, she came at me in my face about it. She was still highly upset. And she started to tell every one how wrong I did her on the phone. She told the story wrong, so I corrected her. I did not explain why I had not told her who I was. Maybe I should have. She started trying to turn the story around to make it seem like I did her so wrong. All the ladies were gathered for a birthday celebration at this time. By the end of our words, she understood completely that I was not going to just let her tell her story or blame me for how she felt. I did nothing wrong and I didn't know who she was. I would have done the same to anyone else demanding information from me. I was still nice to her even after we had our words! Very nice. I am pretty darn good at letting things go - I always have been except with my ex!!!! And some family!!! LOL! She went back to her department and commenced to tell all of them what I had done to her yet again! So then they came to me!!! And it started all over again. While explaining to them what happened, I realized I gave them a more clear explanation of what went on and why I responded the way I did. I guess without the attitude being in my face, I was better able to express what happened and why. She ignored me the rest of the week. Until Friday. Then she spoke again, just to say good-bye. It was unexpected. Very unexpected since we don't work together we don't have much interaction. But it was good for me to see that she seemed not to hold a grudge. She is infamous for that. Its like her thing! And, every one was telling me how I was on her "shit list" now and it was always going to be bad between us. And I see her do it to others, she is like that.

The point to me was, I have a program, she was attacking me deliberately it seemed. I know she's not a happy person. I did choose to defend myself which, I normally would have just let her tell it and not said a thing. Nothing in my defense. I am glad I did it still very courteously, and it was done a few days later when she let it go too. It felt good to have said something. To have defended me and my actions. And the HP helped too! He did a much larger part. She seriously pissed me off and I feel my anger more so now than prior to Al-Anon and CodA. I am also not afraid to show others how I feel either. I feel more true to me than ever before in my life and I want to keep going forward with that! Thanks to my program! And to God for answering my prayers that morning. "Please Lord, let me just do this right, not evil, not hateful, just let me express what I feel constructively! And don't let me go off on her!"

Thanks, Lord! You are truly amazing!

I'm Back to Blogging!!!

I miss blogging. I want to get back to normal. Just been so busy. Birthdays, Roundups, Outings, tons of activities have gone on. And if I am home to blog there is always something to do around the house or I am tired! Oh, and PC problems. Just slowwww moving problems with my PC. And that is if I am home for any length of time!

My Al-Anon Mom & Dad had their birthdays recently. One in January and one in February. Of course I must be there! If Ma is doing anything. Hers is coming up in a few days! The Sunflower Roundup was excellent! I didn't get a CD of the one speaker who just cracked me up! They sold out of him completely! I have to order online now. He was Doug R. from Tujunga, California. He was hilarious! A riot! Anyway, I gotta order him online! They had a tape but I don't have a tape player anymore! I needed a CD! I made it to the Roundup every day. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Quite a while on Saturday too. I did not attend the dance this year since I was going to see the new guy!!! But everyone I knew who might have gone was not staying for the dance. They all went home!!! So, I left! My girls didn't make it on Sunday like I had asked them to. They went with their father for his birthday lunch get together his family had on Sunday. I was disappointed but he doesn't see them near as often as I do, and they chose to go with him anyway! OOOOOoooo, that hurt! Not really! I know they didn't really want to go! One went with me last year and she liked the speaker, oh well, there's always next year.

My ex announced their plans to be married in June back in December last year. Its been moved up to this Saturday now. My oldest is not liking that idea and doesn't speak well about it! My youngest is quite accepting of the whole thing. I am not feeling badly or upset over it - I am so glad! Actually it is a relief, since it seemed like he kept picking the exact same days we had marked our anniversaries and significant dates from our time together. It seemed he was trying to replace me with her. But who knows, I didn't think he was actually choosing those specific dates as similar milestones in their relationship. He couldn't possibly be, I know his memory, and it is not good. Never really has been. But it did seem like it and now with them marrying in March, it is not a big deal anymore.

Anyone heard of this HBO series on Addictions? I've gotten an email about it and it starts in March...I forgot what day. I have a friend who says I can watch with him. I hope so, I hope he doesn't forget. I know very few people who have HBO and most I don't know what their plans are and they may not even be interested in it enough to watch. I want to see this series though. Sounds very interesting. And I have no cable whatsoever! LOL!

I keep noticing I am still doing little CodA behavior with the new guy. I wait for approvals(not just with him either!), do things that he is not expecting me to do for him, I feel like I need to be at his side if he walks away. Its weird to see myself doing this. And I can stop myself but you know, I gotta think about it and apply my program constantly thinking on it. It isn't as bad as I may sound, but I do see these things. Sometimes its funny and sometimes not. I don't know if he notices some things, but I think he does. He seems surprised at times.

I am glad he (the new guy) is accepting of my meetings. I figured it would be a problem in my next relationship since I do go on Friday nights. My Thursday is early enough to not take my whole night. But the Friday meeting does. We get done at 9 but sometimes chat until 10 or so if its nice out. Its been a while since we've done anything after the meeting. I am grateful for someone in my life who doesn't insist on his way all the time. I am free to do what I need to do for me. It is such a blessing for someone to understand and support me, especially one who is not in the program but is part of my life. An important part of my life.

I did get a rather funny question from him recently.... I attend so many meetings regularly, he thinks I am not telling him the truth about not having an addiction. And since I attended the Sunflower Roundup, which is an AA thing, he thinks I was an alcoholic and just not telling him so. He's not seen me drink and I am with him sometimes all weekend long. So hopefully he can tell I am not lying to him. He doesn't seem to be real serious when he asks me that. I thought that was funny. And of all days my father asked me if I went to church Sunday, and I didn't - I went to the Roundup Spiritual Meeting that morning! So I told him I went to hear ex-drunks tell their stories! He seemed to get a kick out of that one!

Today I am grateful for:
My program helping me recognize my little CodA behaviors and things I need to watch.
My Sponsor
A man who thinks I deserve to be treated well. (I've never heard those words before!)
My Al-Anon Ma and Pa, and their love for me...And my love for them!
Each of you who read me. So many of you that I read.
My dogs - even though they are making me nuts right now! (One is in heat!!!!)
My friend who brought me soup when I was sick.
My Al-Anon friends who miss me when I'm gone!
My father who pours it all out when we see each other. And him treating me out to eat!
My CodA friends who miss me when I'm gone!

God is Amazing, Life is unbelievable sometimes...

You know God is so good. My friend at work, her daughter was hit by car on the highway just this past Tuesday. She was fine, nothing broken. She was back to work on Thursday! We had just had a new snow and she lost control and ended up in a ditch. A tow truck pulled her out. Her and her car were fine. Then someone else lost control, hit the tow truck, hit her, knocking her twenty feet away in the air, and then hit her car too! She ended up face-down in the snow, and she is fine except for bruising on her legs! Amazing!

You know, God is good to me. I've met a very nice new guy(same new guy), I've eaten all week long for free, my car is still running well even in this bone chilling weather, and although my finances are extremely tight, I have everything I need. My friend from one of my meetings said he missed me - in his own way. I've missed him too. I received a thank you note from my Al-Anon Dad, for attending his birthday celebration. I have a connection to the Internet at my beck and call!!!! Yahooooooo!!!!

Well, I am sick today. I had a good Valentine's Day too. My dinner didn't turn out right, but he still liked it. I am determined to make it again. It was too easy and it didn't turn out right. So I must do it again. I liked it too, I want to try again. It was a quiet evening. It was nice. And we had lunch for the next day!

I wanted to write more, because more has happened. I'm tired. I'll be back....Haven't seen my cousin yet either since I've been sick!

Birthday Weekend

I keep having trouble with my connection again. Well, no my PC keeps locking up on me, hence the not coming back to post again! No one was hurt in the explosion last week. Everyone was out before it blew. Then the next day, it blew again, but not so big, just before firefighters went in! They weren't hurt either. And the wind blew the smoke west, so it didn't fall in my neighborhood and we didn't need to evacuate! Thank goodness.

I took Friday off for my birthday and tried to get a little business done. Of course, that didn't happen! Not good! I am scrambling this week to do it now. And I need to get this stuff done! But I did have a good weekend. Friday I made my meeting, late, but I made it! It was a good one. Saturday, I wasted, I should have cleaned house and only did a little bit. Then felt down for some reason and slept instead. I don't know what discouraged me. Things aren't going well again at work though. I didn't get a raise I was expecting. That hurt! So that was probably it. I found out Thursday and then went to the new guys at his invitation. To help get my mind off of it. Once I came home on Saturday, I felt down and slept. S, the new guy, took me to a movie and then to dinner. It was nice. It was also hard to find a place not packed!!! So it wasn't what I think he wanted to do but it was still good. The local casinos were very busy this past weekend!

Then Sunday my family gathered at a local Chinese Food Buffet and it also served Mexican food. Not much but they had Menudo! My favorite! Then to my sister's for cake and ice cream. Instead of a Valentine shaped cake, my sister bought me cupcakes with Valentine rings on them! I loved my weekend. My boss took me out for lunch Monday and Wednesday we are having food for my birthday and Valentine's Day at work! Yeah! It is my birthday week! I am making a small dinner for S, hopefully he will like it. That's for Valentine's Day! I found the perfect card too! And a few manly items I think he will like. So I need to get around and see how everyone else is doing!

OH! My cousin who is going to Afghanistan is coming back for one final weekend before he goes this weekend. He wants to meet S, and we all go out somewhere. It will be so good to see him again before he is actually gone for a year! This is an unexpected visit!

Also, during this past week, I have found myself noticing lots of little things I keep doing that are so codependent! Its just small stuff, but I do notice it. I keep awaiting approval from those I am around. Even though the decision is mine to make. Almost everytime. I am seeking approval from everyone lately. I need to work on that I think. I am also seeking company constantly, which keeps me from doing the things I need to do. I need to take care of me as well, and I am slacking up on that as well. I guess at least I recognize or notice what I am doing. Now to apply my program. I'm trying...

Explosion here!!!!

Hey! We had an explosion here yesterday! It made the national news. Here is a link with really good pictures of what was happening and what we saw from all around the metro area!!!

http://www.kansascity.com/mld/kansascity/16648470.htm

And there you will find a Photo Gallery link. I did get a couple myself. Be back later!

The Crazies

You know, I know when I do something wrong to someone and I need to change something. Recently, I felt like I had done something wrong due to how someone was behaving with me. They weren't doing anything wrong. I thought they were being kinda distant. I don't know why, or how their behavior led me to believe that they were. I believe if I did something wrong or hurtful, this person would tell me. But they didn't need to tell me anything. I knew nothing was wrong, but I still felt like I had done something wrong. I may have screwed up somewhere. But that wasn't the case either! I can't stand when I feel like that! I think about it - or rather, obsess about it - the remainder of the day! Does anyone share this feeling at times??? I have to mentally or physically stop myself from thinking about it constantly. It sucks! I hate when I do that and I've done it a couple of times recently. Anyway, after some work, that feeling disappeared! I'm so glad. By the end of today, I felt new all over again!

On a more pleasant note, my family met the new guy today! My father and both my sisters and brother-in-law and his parents too. He met the Familia, they liked him. My dad wasn't vocal at all about it but, I could see he was pleased. He probably wants to hear how he treats me as things progress between us. He is taking the cautious route of accepting him. But then again, don't all dads? LOL! We watched the Superbowl at my sister's house. It was a pleasant evening. Yeah!

OKay bedtime!!!!

Roundup info and Birthday plans!!!

Yes, the RoundUp is a good time to be had! I didn't know anyone last year when I went and I went with the lady who runs our Al-Anon meeting. I went with her and her husband on Friday. They didn't stay long but I stayed until midnight. I stayed for a late meeting and the two speakers that day. There was lots to do. And lots of vendors and stuff to see and buy. I checked out all the AA books and devotionals I had a chance to look at. I will probably buy a Big Book this year. Or some other AA publication. I went back all weekend long. And that was alone! Saturday most of the day I was there except for lunch which was pretty pricey for me so I went out to get some lunch. I went to the dance and only danced a couple of times. I was afraid to ask anyone, since no one was asking me! So finally I did, and met someone who knew folks who attended the AA meeting in my same building. That was pretty cool! He was pretty young too. Too bad! Too young for me, but that is probably good! LOL! I was there Sunday and took my youngest daughter who liked it as well. It sounds like gossip to her, so she liked the stories she heard from the AA speaker that morning. Needless to say, I was hooked. It was great! I look forward to it this year again! If I could figure out how to post a file or something I could post the registration flyer and all that so you can see what the agenda is and the speakers who will be there.

It is cold here again this week. Its supposed to be frigid for the next two weeks! I don't like the cold. I really don't like it! I am taking a vacation day for my birthday. And it is supposed to be cold!!! Hopefully, I can spend it with the new guy I am seeing. It should be a busy weekend. Or maybe not! That maybe nice too! We have planned to see a new movie that Friday! So plans are already in the works.

Birthdays, Sponsors & Roundups!!!

Friday's meeting was really packed! The table was full and I arrived late and had to find a place along the wall! It was a cozy seat right next to the heater! So at least I wasn't cold! I usually am in there at this time of year! I welcomed the ESH from those who shared. And the appreciation from those who didn't but shared their appreciation to those of us who did! We have a few newcomers and they seem to be really enjoying the meetings - they keep coming back!!! LOL

My sponsor wasn't there due to the weather here. We had an ice storm the week before and then the next weekend we had snow! But it remained so cold a lot of the ice didn't melt. So I didn't really expect her to show. She lives an hour away from here and I'm sure it is even harder to get around out there! Further north! I think I will give her a call tonight! We don't talk as much as we should, I know, but I always learn from her sharing. I need to continue with my fourth step too. It kinda got put on the back burner around the holidays and now things are slowing down again.

My birthday is next month!!! Hope things happen for me to have a really good one! Our CodA group will be celebrating our two year anniversary for the founding of the group! And one of us will be having her two year birthday with us as well! Two celebrations in one!!! We are going to a soul food buffet for our celebration. I love their food!! It is excellent!!!

My daughter's birthday was Monday, she's now 22!!! Can you believe it!!! I am 38 (39 this yr), I have two grown girls and a grandbaby! It is still sinking in! That little melt - my - heart baby boy!!! Oh!!! My daughter had a good time and we will be doing cake and ice cream this weekend! We waited since we had some kind of cinnamon dessert at the pizza place! She absolutely loves pizza. We all had a good time last night.

The Sunflower Roundup is coming up in February too! I loved it last year, I think I will go again this year! I love hearing the stories! They are truly amazing!!! Very inspirational too! Hope a few more of my fellow Al-Anons go, it was really good last year! I am looking forward to it this year!

Yet another change to be made...

Well, my vehicle is just about done I think! It's been faithful to me for a few years, I love this car. But its got to go! I am glad it keeps on making it though. I keep calling myself taking care of it but I am not so good at that. I am just barely starting to take care of me better! I'm gonna miss it when its gone!!! The seats are plush like just right firm pillows, it rides pretty smooth even with all its problems. Well, not all its problems, just a costly transmission I am not willing to fix! I wish I had the money to put into it to restore it. I would love to have a low rider that looks like this!!!! It is in pretty darn good shape though. Only a few things as far as the body need to be done. And just keeping it clean and running properly. Wah, I do need something more economical. That is the main reason I want out of it. At the over $3 a gallon of gas period, I thought I was gonna go broke! If there was a bus that would take me even any where close to my job I'd be on it!!! This baby would be parked and I'd be on that bus daily!!!

And young men really like this car. I've had so many offers to buy it when I didn't want to sell it. And it draws a lot of attention. So much that they like trying to take it and got it once. Usually they only get my CDs! I always put on my club no matter how short my stop may be. I'm gonna miss it!!!

Just feeling grateful

I love my face 2 face groups that I attend. I attended my CodA group this week, my Al-Anon group was cancelled due to the weather Friday. We got hit with freezing rain, sleet all day long on Friday, so no one came out. But at the CodA meeting, we discussed a work situation I was dealing with. I want to stand up for me, but in this case I think, it may not be the wisest thing to do! I could loose my job, and I am pretty angry about it. But I don't see any change that could arise from me saying anything. I've heard many stories too about how this situation will not change. All due to higher up execs and friends and all that kinda thing. I got some very good advice that I could handle doing in this case.

This is what I love about my f2f groups, I can immediately address my concerns that others may have gone through, and their ESH makes me able to figure out what to do when I am at a standstill. They had a question for me too concerning my last post, about the new guy. It was, "You were waiting for what????!!!" LOL, I thought it was funny, that is all I could do - laugh!
I love my groups. I am grateful for the family I have in both those circles. I feel so safe and so accepting and accepted of them! I love the contact I maintain between the different members and I. I like talking with them, sharing with them, and feeling the love I feel from them. They are great!

Today I guess, in the absence of my meeting last night, I am just feeling grateful for what my program of recovery has brought me today! I love my programs and what each has taught me and continues to teach me. May I stay ever so more willing to change as I grow older!

My New Year's Eve

I forgot to post my New Year's Eve night happenings!!! It was quite different this year! One thing I did that was an as usual thing was to go to the church event we were having. But we had a singer I absolutely love! So I had to go! And my friend from work and lots of her singles group from her church were coming to see him too! They had no New Years Watch service this year. So, I had also planned to leave church early to hang out with another friend at a local restuarant/bar. I hadn't been there before and I really wanted to go to a party this year since I normally don't do that. And I wanted to have a drink too (I am an Al-Anon - if you didn't know) for once on New Year's Eve at a party or something like that. Basically, I wanted to do something different this year and I was dead set on making it happen. I did have a few options but things just didn't work out that way!

My cousin called me the same day folks were calling me to invite me or ask me what I was doing for New Year's eve. He was back from NJ for the holidays and he needed to go back to the armory by 2:00 am New Year's morning! So, if I drink, I know I can't drive, I am no good even after one (strong one). So since he needed a ride that basically cut my option to drink. So that was out! No drinking for the night. I had to pick him up at 1 am. And church ended at 12:30 or so.

I wasn't going to stay for the full service at church. I was going to leave early to catch up to another friend. I ended up staying at the church until 12:15 then left to go to my cousins house! I got a call from a friend who was near Westport (our party area here in KC) who needed a ride. So after getting my cousin, we went to get my friend. Who had been sitting at least an hour and it was cold that night too! So my cousin, his wife, my friend and I took him to the armory. NO one was there of course when we got there. So we had to wait. Then the new guy had called to invite me to his friends get together he always goes to. So I told him if he was still there, I would join him as well. But after my cousin left and my friend got home. My friend happens to live in that part of town anyway. And my cousin's wife wanted to come too so she wouldn't have to think about my cousin leaving, and we have a good time together anyway.

So we dropped off my friend, and headed for the new guys get together! He didn't give me correct directions and the party was over by the time I was headed in the right direction. So now we needed gas. He met us at the closest QT and gave me a hug. Then he asked for a ride home - he was driving a friend's truck home for him who had been drinking. He always does this for him he says. Anyway, okay, so now I need to follow him and give him a ride back north to his place and then take my cousin home back to KCK! I was all over the city all night long! I actually don't mind the long drives and can drive straight thru for five hours at a time. I was thinking from the time my friend called me, man, this night is not turning out quite like I had hoped! But the new guy ended up not needing a ride, so I finally took my cousin's wife home and I got home about 4:15. Went to bed about 4:30! I was SO tired by then and was so glad to be home!

But even though the night didn't go any way I had planned, I had fun driving everyone to their destinations and I still got to see everyone I wanted to see that night! Very different and I still had fun. Maybe God didn't really want me to have that drink, huh? That's what I was thinking. And, I had plenty of coolers in my fridge so I could drink later(can you tell I'm a heavy drinker? COOLERS!). And they are still in there today. Just sitting, getting old - if that happens. They probably will sit there until my birthday now - next month. I think I've had them since Christmas.

Today I am also grateful for:
The chance to help out my cousin and my friend that evening. My cousin almost let me out of it that night. Actually, he did. But I really wanted to do it for him, so I insisted he let me take him. It was my chance to see him just before he left for NJ and later to Afghanistan. We will not see him prior to his leaving for Afghanistan. Now we won't see him until 2008.
My ability to ask for what I want when I feel really strongly about it - now. I didn't feel I had that option before.
My higher power, God, who keeps my butt in line when I try so hard at times to do my own thing. For His ability to change me when I still think it can't happen.